Chapter Text
there was something majestic about how the mist covered the water underneath the bridge. can't tell where the water is. can't tell what's down below.
can't tell how deadly the fall is.
he's always loved walking on the railings of bridges. it may scare the shit out of his family and friends anytime he does it, but he loves the thrill. as cheesy at is sounds, it makes him feel something he's never usually felt before. it's something different.
he hates different.
different is weird. different is unnatural. different is looked down upon. different is shunned. different is disgusting. different is..
he's weird. he's unnatural. he's looked down upon. he's shunned. he's disgusting. he's different.
it's high school once he realized just how shit his life is. he came to this through specifically in the back of the english classroom, during the lesson about commas. he was staring out the window, as usual, and something just clicks in his head. his parents argue non stop, to the point where things are thrown and broken, and sapnap has to cover his little sibling's ears so they don't hear the harsh words thrown around. so they don't pick up the habits that he's slowly getting into. so they don't yell at people for making one mistake and ruining what would've been life long friendships.
he wishes he could tell them both the advice. tell them both to run, and get away from this town before it rots your bones, turns all your insides into mush. turns you into something you will never be able to recognize again.
but he failed english and doesn't know how to convey his words. so he doesn't say anything. he just holds the two sobbing children closer and wishes he could do more to protect them.
his aunt takes them from this house to her's in the summer time, anyways. she leaves him in this hell hole. all alone. just him, and his batshit crazy parents. she says he's too old for her family, and he won't fit well with her other children.
he hates her.
another thing he realizes, this time in the front of the math classroom during a test, is that he's lonely.
he doesn't have a family he can rely on anymore, since his mother's resorted to drinking and his father does cocaine on the kitchen counter. the house hasn't been cleaned in weeks, and the only thing he can manage to make himself do are the dishes and laundry. he's pretty sure the landlord has left an eviction notice on his house three months ago. thankfully they don't have the heart to kick him out just yet.
yet is the keyword in that sentence. at least he learned a little from english.
(and maybe he should've realized something was wrong with his parents since the beginning. who the hell names their kid sapnap anyway?)
dream. he remembers meeting him through fucking minecraft of all places. he misses that stupid game. too bad his laptop is smashed in some alley way.
but dream. he loves calling facetiming him, even if dream refuses to show him his face, at around 1 am in the morning, when the town is finally asleep and he can finally truly see the lights. it feels like its really just them, alone together even though they are so many miles apart.
dream has such a nice voice. he's read sapnap to sleep before, reading a stupid children's book he'd snagged from the library on his way back home. as much as he hates to admit it, sapnap was out in around 10 minuets tops. it just feels nice to experience something he's never had before. his laugh is something out of this world, varying from a chuckle to a wheeze that used to make sapnap worry for his lungs.
dream's life isn't all unicorns shitting rainbows and leprechauns vomiting gold, though. there are days where the facetime is just sapnap talking softly as he listens to dream's heart wrenching sobs through his now cracked phone. he doesn't really know what to say, what to ask. so he just keeps talking. the one day he asks, they end up just screaming at each other and not calling for a week straight, before dream gives in and calls him at 5 am. they both apologize.
though sapnap would still like to know what makes dream cry.
(and punch it to the fucking sun).
the glass starts to splinter on his 16th birthday. he's found a guy that he really likes, but dream disapproved and they argued for about three hours straight. he didn't understand why dream just didn't see what he did in elijah. he treats him with affection that he'd never had. sure, he makes him a little nervous when he touches him too far, but its nothing that he can't handle. besides, someone is actually giving him the time of day. why wouldn't he want that?
sapnap and elijah do it for the first time at a party. he's pretty sure he was drunk or high. or both. elijah was sober. he can't remember if it was good or not. all he can remember is barely being able to walk straight. he doesn't mind. at least he finally lost his v-card.
(he feels disgusting. he only tells dream what happened. dream screams at him. he screams back).
elijah tells his friends. they all pat him on the back, congratulate for hitting third base. they call sapnap a whore.
he breaks up with elijah the day of prom.
(he pretends to ignore dream's whisper of "i would treat you better." florida's too far anyway)
dream gets a new friend. his name is george. they talk all the time. dream introduces them both to each other on one big facetime call. sapnap doesn't know what to think of george. he's british. it's also very easy to argue with him.
george is annoying. he doesn't like george.
one thing he notices about george is that he winces at loud noises. even though half of what he says he screams. george has plain brown hair and brown eyes. george plays tennis. george plays three instuments, piano, violin, and flute. he takes the british version of whatever they call ap classes over there, and is learning to become a doctor. he's the school council president. he's an only child.
george hates tennis. he doesn't even like the flute. he hates hospitals and blood. he doesn't want to become a doctor. the student council doesn't even do much anyway, just gets high of their asses during partys and get off scot free. he wishes he had more siblings.
george is pretty cool. for a british person. its pretty fun getting into stupid arguments with him.
he's seventeen now, and nothing has changed. he doesn't feel older, just more tired. he visits the bridge on his birthday, and it isn't foggy. he stands on the railing to look out towards the water below.
dream facetimes him. he doesn't even bother reaching for his phone in his pocket. dream facetimes him again. he picks up.
"..."
"..."
neither of them say a word.
"..happy birthday, sapnap." dream mumbles. sapnap blinks.
"i guess." just one more year surviving instead of living.
"i can fly you out to florida. it sounds like shit there anyway."
he wants to say yes so badly. he wants to board that plane and fly to florida. to dream. he wants to see him and give his best friend a hug. (he wants to kiss dream).
"nah, flights are expensive. i can't have you waste all your money on little old me."
"its worth the money."
he wants to say yes. why wont he say yes. there is nothing in this town for him anyway.
"nah. save your money for college. you're probably more likely to actually do something useful out of the three of us with a college degree."
"that's not true and you know it, sapnap."
"don't give me that bullshit, dream. im failing all my classes and george doesn't even have choice, and he cant physically do medical shit. don't waste your money on something not worth it."
"you are worth it." dream mumbles. sapnap doesn't answer.
george joins with a yawn. no one says good morning.
"i accidentally relapsed last night." george says with such sadness in his tone it makes sapnap's heart hurt. "i was clean for almost two months. i don't even remember what caused it."
"im sorry." is all dream says. sapnap doesn't say anything. he hates himself so much in that moment. why can he never say anything comforting?
"i.." sapnap has to think about what he's going to say. "i wish that didn't happen. im sorry."
he surprises them both, he can tell. dream is barely even breathing as he waits for george's response.
"thanks sapnap." usually people would be annoyed by such a dry response, but sapnap finds himself smiling for the first time in a while. maybe there's some hope for him left afterall.