Chapter Text
“Well if I send you a few pictures could you just like pick for me? Like tell me which one’s best…
… I don’t bloody care if it’s baby Podrick’s bloody lunch time! I need you Brienne! Please, I’m desperate…
… Please, just help me with this one little thing and I won’t bother you again. Today anyway…
…Yeah, yeah I know, you’re brilliant, yeah, but what should I get Cersei for her birthday?
…Dunno some garden centre? Women like flowers right?
…Brienne? Brienne!”
Renly swore under his breath; she’d hung up on him. He hoped that child was happy. Baby Podrick had stolen the best PA he’d ever had and now he was basically a broken man. He’d come out in a vest and beach shorts today in mid-October because no one had organised his laundry in over three weeks or emailed him the weather forecast. God, he needed help.
Shivering horrifically, Renly entered the questionable little garden centre that Siri had found for him ten minutes ago. He’d never seen it before. It was off the A-road behind the mini Tesco, where Renly had always thought there was a sex shop. Oh yeah, no, that was right Little Finger’s Little Secret was back other way.
If it weren’t for the delightful custom of giving gifts on the anniversary of one’s birth, Renly could have been quite happily tucked up at home trying to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser’s evil clutches. But society demanded he get his wretched sister in law a present of some kind, one that she almost certainly wouldn’t like and wouldn’t even pretend to like. Which is why he found himself stuck at a crappy looking garden centre on his only day off.
It wasn’t like he disliked his job either. Being the brother of a multimillionaire business mogul, with his own decent share of the empire wasn’t a position to be sniffed at, if money and power were your goals in life. But the hours were long and stressful and the workforce was compiled almost entirely of scheming vipers all hankering for a piece of one another. Renly had learnt the rules of the game years ago and he’d also learnt that any fool who stuck to the rules would be deposed of pretty quickly. That was why he cherished his days off: there was no rulebook to set alight and throw out the window. He could take off his proverbial armour, swap it for a snuggie and just chill the fuck out.
Right now he’d do anything for his snuggie. It was cold and most of the plants and ornaments and shit were outside (what an awful layout, like seriously whose idea was this place?) and the nature was making his sinuses ache. In fucking October. And there was too much colour. Renly could barely see the comforting grey of the concrete beneath his feet to remind him he was still in the city. Instead the ground was covered in petals and leaves and naturey crap like that; it was making his skin crawl. Urgh why couldn’t he just pick one and get back home to Mario? It’s not like Cersei would even notice what he got anyway.
He must have hesitated too long, because that was when a voice piped up behind him,
“Hello there, welcome to Granny Tyrell’s High Garden Emporium! How may we be of service today?”
Renly whirled around, almost dropping a creepy stone spaniel Buddha mutant thing he was holding. (It bore an eerie resemblance to his nephew’s head of security.) And with a thwack his head collided with something and his vision blacked out for a second.
“Sorry!” A hand came up to check his forehead as he went to look up, catching him in the eye.
“Oh my goodness! Oh my god. Shit shit. I’m sorry! Are you okay?”
Someone took the statue from him and led him to a bench a few feet away and sat him down, before placing a comforting arm around his shoulders.
“I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t sue us.”
Renly huffed in amusement and tried to lift his gaze to get a look at his joint assailant and saviour, but the light hurt his eye. From the voice he’d guess guy in his early twenties. Well spoken, probably fairly intelligent, obviously with a good sense of humour. He’d managed to make Renly laugh within seconds of beating him about the head and partially blinding him. Athletic too he’d say, from the weight of the arm around his shoulders, though hopefully in a noncombat sport. This man had debilitated Renly in two swift blows and he was trying to sell him something. He shuddered to think what state he’d be in if they’d been on opposing rugby teams or something.
Intelligent, funny, athletic, must have a face like an arse. There had to be something wrong with this guy. Renly had far too much going on right now with the company to develop a schoolboy crush on a beautiful garden centre assistant. He hated nature. It would never work.
A cool hand cupped his chin. Rely might have said ‘cupped it tenderly’ but that was probably his mild concussion talking. He flinched in surprise as his head was carefully lifted. Please don’t be hot. Please don’t be hot. You owe it to me to be super ugly. Renly waited until the last second before looking up. Oh fuck. Obviously the universe hated him and wanted him to suffer. In front of him sat the most fucking perfect man Renly had ever seen in real life.
His eyes, Renly observed, were a blue only angels and royalty were entitled to. Like two slightly sarcastic, yet still warm and compassionate, sapphires plucked from the heavens. Jesus how strong was this concussion? There was a sort of witty intelligence in his eyebrows that showed he was no stranger to a scholarly debate. They were highbrow eyebrows, laced with satire and jovial scorn. His hair was a mass of dark blond curls, kind of like a cherub. But a cherub who was old enough to purchase alcohol and worry about the rent. The only thing uncherublike about this man was the fact that he was thankfully (or unthankfully? Renly wasn’t altogether sure,) wearing trousers.
“I take it you’ve not been blinded then?” The corners of his beautiful beautiful mouth curved upward ever so slightly, relief evident in gorgeous gorgeous eyes.
Only by your beauty. Thought Renly dejectedly, before realising he’d been sat staring with his mouth wide open. Snapping it shut, he glanced away sheepishly. The most beautiful garden centre assistant 2014, or whoever he was, chuckled ever so slightly and took his arm back from around Renly’s shoulders, taking a piece of his soul with it.Great, now the world would be forever cold and lonely, unless he was wrapped up in this man’s arms. Five minutes ago he’d been perfectly happy. He’d had his shit together. Now he’d become a simpering mess. Renly cleared his throat,
“No, no I’m good.” he said, fighting to keep his voice even.
“So you’re definitely not going to sue us?” most beautiful garden centre assistant 2014 leaned in slightly, long fingers brushing Renly’s forearm, highbrow eyebrows raised in mock alarm.
Renly paused just long enough to see most beautiful garden centre assistant 2014’s Adam’s apple bob up and back down again. Their eyes met and Renly felt himself swallow too.
“So Granny Tyrell, you’re a lot younger and rather manlier than I’d imagined if you don’t mind my saying so.”
Not Granny Tyrell smiled up to his eyes. Oh God Renly thought, as his fricking heart fricking fluttered. Now I’m going to have to do everything in my power to keep that smile there it’s so fucking perfect. Shit you’re in deep, Renly, pull yourself together. He licked his lips absently, before noting, far from absently, how the other man’s gaze dropped briefly at his movement. Interesting.
“Hmm not quite. I’m Grandson Tyrell I suppose. Or Loras if you don’t want to use titles.” Loras, most beautiful garden centre assistant 2014, stood up and went back to pick up the Buddha spaniel. “Got to carry on the family business, an all that, you know.”
Renly stood to follow, he hoped not too eagerly. “Believe me, I know all about the perils of family business.” he said, before wandering over to join Loras. “I’m Renly by the way.” He held out his hand, his businessman’s manner taking over, even on his day off.
Loras turned, but instead of shaking Renly’s hand, he placed the Buddha spaniel in it.
“Tell me, Renly. Why on earth were you thinking of buying this monstrosity? Is it for someone you hate? Or is your taste truly that bad?” Loras looked sternly out from under his fringe. All Renly wanted to do was kiss away his stupid frown, even if it wasn’t real.
“Not gonna lie, I think you need to work on your sales technique there. Aren’t you meant to be promoting your goods?”
“Oh, don’t you worry about my goods my friend, or my technique. I’ll still be making a sale today.” Loras purred (?!) plucking the Buddha spaniel from Renly’s grasp.
Renly’s breath caught in his throat as Loras reached up past him to put the statue back on the shelf, all the while maintaining eye contact. And did he… did he just flex a little bit? Breath hitching again, Renly could only reply with
“So what would you recommend?” he was horribly out of practise at this kind of thing.
The (probably imaginary) tension seemed to dissolve. Loras flashed him a smile and turned to lead him further into the labyrinth of garden.
“You looking for anything in particular?” he asked, “Apart from slightly blasphemous mutant dogs?”
“Besides the devil dog… Um no, not really.” Renly confessed as he drew up alongside Loras. “I need a present for my sister in law, but I’ve basically got no idea.”
Loras glanced out from under his fringe again, “Hmm, I can see that.” he smirked. “Unless you do hate her and you want her to know it, I’m afraid those hideous animal Buddha things are an absolute no go.”
They rounded a corner into a distinctly plantier, less statuey area of the building.
“I’m pretty sure she already knows it, if I’m honest.”
Loras slipped him a sly smile. “So what kind of budget are we looking at here?”
“Dunno, like, a couple of hundred maybe, maybe five? What do you suggest?” Renly shrugged, he hadn’t really thought about it. He usually got Brienne to do this kind of stuff.
Loras blinked at him. “Right well in that case, we’d better get started.” He rubbed his hands together, like a slightly devious but still very attractive little goblin, then broke into an adorable little trot towards a rack of large purple flowers. Renly had no idea what they were. He wasn’t really paying attention to the flowers, to be honest. There was currently something far more interesting occupying his vision.
“Hmm? Sorry, did you say something?” Renly dragged his eyes away from the impressive sight, just as Loras looked round. He’d been bending down for something on the bottom shelf. Now he was raising his eyebrows knowingly, the hint of a smirk playing on his lips. Renly blushed furiously. Loras turned back to the shelves.
“So what’s she like, your sister in law? I’m sensing bad blood there.”
Renly propped himself up against the shelf Loras was ransacking. “Yeah, you could say that.” He ran a hand through his hair absently, “We don’t exactly see eye to eye. Her son’s been making my life hell ever since he got a cut of the business from my brother.”
“Mmhm mmhm, so good pals then?”
Renly snorted. “She’s a she-devil. Completely two-faced. Except both her faces are evil.”
Finally having found what he was looking for, Loras emerged from between the shelves, hiding something behind his back as he stood.
“Luckily for you, we have a whole section dedicated to the pacification of hated family members. It seems garden emporia are the go to places for gifts that would otherwise be inconvenient.”
Renly looked up. There was indeed a wall of various generic garden ornaments, plants and flowers, all of which seemed to have a slightly off quality about them. It wasn’t that they were cheap or ugly or anything. It was just that they were the kind of gifts that showed someone had put a lot of thought into putting no thought at all into their gift. They summed up Renly and Cersei’s relationship perfectly.
Turning back to Loras, he had to jerk backwards to avoid a face full of spines. Loras’ hands were shoved under his nose and within them sat a tiny, tiny cactus. Renly had no idea what was happening. Loras was beaming at him like a child who’d just gone potty by himself for the first time. It was eye-wateringly adorable.
“What the hell is that?” Renly eyed the spikey little menace warily, not exactly at ease with the proximity to his face.
“Um, it’s what it looks like.” Loras blinked at him like he wasn’t quite sure what needed clarifying.
Renly blinked back.
Loras nodded towards the tiny cactus. “It’s a tiny cactus.” he said.
Renly cocked his head, “Mmhm yep I see that.”
Confusion crossed Loras’ face and Renly had to bite back a smile.
“It’s for your sister in law.” Loras shoved it further into Renly’s face, in a bid to clear up the misunderstanding, because obviously, he couldn’t see it well enough where it was.
Renly moved backward, stepping clear of the tiny spiny weapon, his face cracking into a grin. Loras realised what he was doing, and quickly removed the cactus from Renly’s face. He cradled it against his chest and smiled slightly guiltily, but maintained the small distance between them. He didn’t back away.
“I’m just going on what you’ve told me, obviously. But from what I’ve heard, she’s kind of heartless, so to annoy her you get her something adorable, so that everyone else will love it and she can’t show she hates it.”
Renly’s smile widened. This boy was devious.
Loras smiled back deviously; it was like he knew what he was thinking.
He continued. “She sounds like a bit of a gold digger, but probably a fairly classy gold-digger, so you get her something expensive but blatantly not worth it. And kind of hipstery.”
Renly raised his eyebrows. “Again with the questionable sales technique? Shouldn’t you be exaggerating your fabulous value for money?”
“My customers value honesty over savings,” Loras shrugged, “And you need this price tag to justify your crappy gift choice.”
“Fair.” Renly chuckled.
“If you don’t like her, I don’t like her. And if I don’t like her, how can I trust her with a normal plant? Normal plants need care.” Loras absently stroked a finger over the petals of a nearby tulip. “We’re like an animal shelter, Renly. You wouldn’t give a kitten to someone who wouldn’t feed it. We have a duty to the well-being of our plants.”
The sincerity in his voice made Renly falter and something warmed in the pit of his stomach. These plants were Loras’ babies. It was flat-out adorable. He was seriously considering asking Loras there and then if he wanted to go try make some human babies.
Loras looked up suddenly and pulled his hand away. Jumping slightly, Renly desperately hoped that he hadn’t said that out loud. He glanced sideways and ran his hand through his hair, but Loras didn’t say anything so he guessed he was okay. Their eyes met and the heat in his stomach spread as Loras peered at him from under his fringe again, his expression one of coy embarrassment.
Without breaking eye-contact, Loras took his wrist, wrapping long calloused gardener’s fingers around it and pulling it closer. Renly’s breath hitched, as the tiny cactus was placed in his palm, his hand instinctively closing around it.
“No matter how hard she tries to neglect it, that little guy will just keep on living!” Loras grinned and let go on Renly’s wrist. It burned at the sudden absence of touch, making Renly start, but Loras didn’t seem to notice. He turned and led Renly back the way they’d come, chattering about this plant and that flower with relentless contagious enthusiasm.
They reached the tills and Loras stepped up behind the counter.
“Would sir like any of his items gift-wrapping today?” asked Loras as he bent behind the counter, bringing out a selection of ribbons and an industrial sized cellotape.
“That would be exceptionally helpful, thank you.” Renly inclined his head slightly and handed the cactus over. As he watched Loras artfully bind the tiny plant in glittery lilac cellophane, he was gripped by a small wave of nausea. He’d never see Loras again. This was it. This was over. The warmth in his stomach turned cold and painful. He needed to see him again.
He could ask for his number! He should just ask for his number. If he was right and Loras was interested, what did he possibly have to lose? But then what if he was wrong? He’d been wrong before. What if Loras was like this with everyone? What if it was just what he was like, just how he made a sale? It had worked after all. Charm the unsuspecting customer and all that. What if he’d completely misread the situation, it wouldn’t be the first time. Renly was not good at this kind of thing. What if Loras didn’t even like men, let alone Renly himself?
“There you go sir.” Loras pushed the tiny cactus across the counter towards him. “How would sir like to pay? Card?” Renly couldn’t do it. He couldn’t just ask for his number. What if he freaked him out?
“Renly?”
He tore his eyes away from the tiny glittery cactus and looked up at Loras.
“Um yeah card please,” he smiled shakily.
“Just pop your pin in here for me?” Loras covered his eyes dramatically as Renly paid for the plant. The machine beeped and Loras whipped out his card and returned it to him with a flourish.
“We thank you for your patronage sir and do hope you’ll call again soon.” Loras winked as Renly turned to go, still fighting an internal war that Loras didn’t seem to notice.
“Bye bye my little flower!” Renly heard as the automatic doors slid open in front of him. He turned and waved the little cactus back at its old owner as he stepped through into the foyer. Just as he was about to reply, the words:
“And goodbye tiny cactus!” followed him through the closing doors.