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Jisung was numb.
As he shut the door as quietly as he could behind him he couldn’t help but slide onto the floor, ignoring the pain in his hips and back as he rested his head back against the door, eyes staring off into the darkness of the room.
What was a heart? Did he have one at this point?
Jisung let out a bitter laugh as he tossed his keys onto the side table beside the door, the sound of purring at his side.
He didn’t have anywhere else to go. And maybe the last place he wanted to be was here.
It wasn’t Minho’s fault. It wasn’t. He just really couldn’t bare seeing him. Not right now.
“What do you want?” Jisung whispered as his eyes gravitated to the small creature that was crawling into his lap.
He was surprised to see it wasn’t one of the friendlier orange tabbies, but the one who had glared at him. The little grey one.
Jisung swallowed the sad sob that wanted to slide out from his lips as he ran his fingers over the cat's head, “I’m sorry…I’m sorry if I hurt your dad over this. I’m so sorry…”
This cat wasn’t going to understand him.
“I’m sorry…” the words stung on his tongue like acid. Jisung fell to his side, curling up on the cool ground as the cat scurried up against his chest, “don’t hate me…”
He felt so incredibly numb. Numb and heartbroken and sick. Jisung had never felt so much anguish. This was just too much for his heart to take, and he honestly wasn’t sure how he’d managed to get to Minho’s house after what Chan had said to him.
He could barely register leaving the apartment. He just remembered that he passed out and was woken up by Chan. Chan offered to take him home but Jisung was already home. That was their home.
Was.
Jisung let out a choked sob, curling into himself as the cat purred, slipping his arms carefully around the soft fur.
God he was miserable. It was a feeling he couldn’t shake. Absolute helplessness. There was nothing he could do to get his Chan back.
His Chan was gone.
He had a splitting headache. As he felt the warm touch at his arm and the sudden brightness of the room,he couldn’t help but instantly regret coming back.
Minho looked so concerned. Worry plastered over his delicate features as the cat wiggled itself from Jisung’s grasp to run away towards the kitchen.
“Did you sleep here all night? Jisung you’re burning up…”
Maybe he’d gotten himself sick. He sure felt sick.
It had been cold last night. And it had taken him twenty minutes to actually get into his car once he’d left the apartment. Maybe he’d caught a cold.
Jisung wasn’t sure how to respond or react to Minho. He pulled himself upright, wincing at the state of his head.
“Jisung?”
Maybe Minho knew. As Jisung’s eyes met Minho’s he could just tell the man knew something was off.
“Did you leave last night?”
Jisung wasn’t sure what to say. He had no idea. So he nodded, studying Minho’s features.
“Are you okay?”
It stung so badly.
So Jisung shook his head, refusing to let his clearly hoarse voice out, plus who wanted to hear his sobs? Minho didn’t deserve that.
“Jisung...you should get some rest.”
Jisung watched Minho’s face. He looked so worried. He was so absorbed in making sure Jisung was okay all of the time, and it hurt so bad. Because Minho didn’t deserve this. He didn’t. He’d only been a good friend, someone who put Jisung before himself. And Minho just...god.
“I’m so sorry.” Jisung broke.
He couldn’t even hear Minho’s reply as he buried his face into his arms, laying back down against the cold floor. He felt sick. He felt so sick.
“Jisung…”
He wanted to disappear. His body was trembling, heart beating so rapidly to remind him that it was still there.
“I’m fine I’m….”
Minho lay at the floor beside him, hand at his hair. And it was comforting. But he didn’t want it. He didn’t need it. No, maybe he did. But he shouldn’t have it. He didn’t deserve it.
Jisung shooed Minho’s hand away, the man keeping his hands to himself as he watched Jisung.
“Minho...don’t.”
“I'm...I’m just trying to be here for you.”
Jisung winced. He didn’t get that.
Maybe he snapped.
Jisung calmed his breaths, pulling himself up again, Minho following to look at him with absolute worry.
“Why do you care so much?”
“I care about you…”
It stung.
“Why?”
Jisung knew why.
“You mean a lot to me. We’re friends…”
“You mean nothing to me, Minho.”
Jisung felt like he’d just spit acid. Minho’s face kind of fell, but he unexpectedly smiled. Like he knew Jisung would say something like that.
“That’s okay, Jisung. You’re still my friend. And I just want you to be okay—“
“Why? Minho why do you care about someone who doesn’t give a shit about you?”
Minho’s mouth twitched, expression darkening.
“Ask yourself that same question, Jisung.”
Perhaps that hurt more than anything that had happened all night. Even Minho knew that Chan didn’t fucking love him. Everyone knew besides himself.
Minho quickly altered his expression, worry coming back, “I’m so...I didn’t mean that—“
Jisung pulled himself up, back still sore but manageable as he clung to the door behind.
“No...don’t apologize.”
“Jisung that was too much—“
“No, you’re right. You’re absolutely right and...I’m so sorry I used you. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Jisung you—“
“Stop...I’ll be back later I just…”
“Jisung don’t go…”
“You’re not me. Don’t act like me,” Minho didn’t understand, “I’ll be back. Just...I need to breathe.” Jisung grabbed his keys, pulling the door open from behind.
But he was pulled back so harshly and the door slammed so hard that a picture frame on the wall nearly fell from its place.
Jisung was spun around, Minho’s face pleading.
“I’m sorry…”
Jisung shook his head to that, “don’t apologize to me…”
“I know you didn’t mean that. I’m not...look I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I can’t. I’ve never loved someone that way before,” Jisung took a deep breath as keys shook in his hand, “I just...I don’t want to treat you the way they have. I don’t want you to think everyone is like that…”
He watched Minho, eyes shaky as the man watched him so intently.
“I know you’re upset. And I know I’m annoying you.” Jisung felt his face contort as Minho’s bottom lip quivered, “if you want me to lay off...if you want me to back off and leave you alone I will. I don’t want you to think I’m forcing myself onto you or am manipulating you—that’s seriously the last thing I want. “
“Minho I’m the one who—“
“And you’re not manipulating me either.” He continued, eyes shaky as tears sprung to the corners of his eyes, “you’re not. You aren’t them.”
Jisung didn’t want Minho to cry in front of him.
“If I’m overwhelming you...please tell me. I know you don’t mean what you said...but if you do that's perfectly fine. I can leave you be if you want.”
Minho didn’t want that.
Jisung didn’t want that either.
His gaze left Minho’s to meet that of the grey tabbies, the cat watching him like a hawk again. Jisung drew a heavy breath as he dropped his keys, reaching down to grab both of Minho’s wrists.
That seemed to have Minho quivering more, as if he was anticipating for Jisung to break his heart. Jisung wasn’t that person.
“I didn’t mean what I said. I do care about you, okay?” Minho just nodded in response, body trembling as Jisung rolled his thumbs among Minho’s wrists, “I’m sorry if I ever…”
Jisung looked into those sad eyes, offering Minho a worried look before pulling him towards the kitchen, stopping by the island to grab some tissues from the counter, “I didn’t mean what I said...they really hurt me last night. And that’s my fault.”
Minho let Jisung press the tissue to his eyes, “Jisung…”
“I slept with them.” Minho drew a breath, but it sounded like he’d expected that, “and I told chan I wanted to be with him. And he told me he didn’t want to be with me.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“He said he didn’t love me anymore. Hadn’t for a long time.”
Minho was quiet, taking the tissue from Jisung to hold at the corner of his eye. He looked so small and sad.
“I was...I just snapped because I was upset. I swear I didn’t mean what I said to you. You’re literally the only person who seems to give a shit about me…”
Minho watched him closely, “I do care about you…”
Jisung reached a hand to Minho’s cheek, “I care about you too, okay?”
Minho didn’t seem to believe that. What Jisung said must’ve really hurt him. But he didn’t mean it. He really didn’t. Minho was the most genuine soul he’d ever met...someone who put Jisung before himself so many times. He was just a really gentle soul. And it stung so bad.
“Okay.”
He didn’t believe Jisung.
Jisung ran his fingers along Minho’s cheek before leaning forward to take Minho’s lips to his own, bringing a hand up to grab a fistful of blue hair.
“I’m not using you,” he whispered as he sunk his teeth into Minho’s bottom lip, rolling his hips into Minho’s as he shoved him into the counter, hands running up his hips.
Minho let out a staggered sigh as Jisung pulled from his lips to turn him around, running his hands up Minho’s shirt to feel the warmth of his back.
“Stop me if I am…”
He wouldn’t. Jisung leaned in carefully, pressing kisses into Minho’s hair as he tugged at his sweatpants, “I’m not using you...I’m not. Do you want me to—?”
“Please fuck me.” Minho sounded needy, exhausted.
“Minho, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I want to feel you. I want to feel you so badly.” Minho pleaded, leaning over the counter with his arms flat against the cool marble, elbows bent in anticipation, “you won’t hurt me…”
Jisung took a deep breath, running his fingers up down Minho’s hips as he pulled his sweats and boxers down slowly.
He wasn’t using him. He wasn’t.
Jisung leaned over him carefully, pressing tiny kisses to Minho’s hair as he latched his fingers back into the blue locks, “I’m sorry the first two times I hurt you...can I make it up to you?”
Minho took a shallow breath, “please…”
Jisung kept his face in Minho’s hair a moment, “will you stay here while I go get some lube and a condom?”
“Don’t need…” Minho breathed out.
“I should, definitely should.” He ran his hand along Minho’s plush ass cheek as the other loosened from his hair, “stay here, okay?”
Minho whined at that, leaning down as he crossed his arms, cheek squished against his arms.
Jisung offered a tiny smile, petting Minho’s hair before retreating back to Minho’s bedroom, hurrying to gather the lube he used and one of the condoms that were thrown in Jisung’s wallet.
When Jisung returned he shuddered, Minho already bucking his knees with a finger pressed inside of himself. Jisung has to fight the urge to pounce.
“Couldn’t wait?” Jisung laughed as he slipped the lube onto the counter, Minho turning his head to look at Jisung with a desperate pout, “you want me that bad?”
Minho huffed, “I always want you…”
Jisung tensed, “how do you want it?” He opened the bottle, swatting Minho’s hand from his hole. He must’ve used his saliva while Jisung had left the room.
“I just want you to fill me up…”
“Condom—“
Minho shook his head slow, “I trust you. You’ve fucked me after fucking them before. It’ll be okay.”
“Minho, I’ve been careless before—“
“I know you’re just being considerate but...i'd like it so much more without one. Just this once?”
Jisung took a deep breath again, “you’re killing me.”
Minho just smirked at that, resting his head back into his crossed arms at the counter, “I just want you to...you can be rough again.”
“Rough…”
“Believe it or not I enjoy it that way, truly.” Minho was being sincere, “just fuck me as hard as you can into this counter. Kudos if you pull my hair.” He was laughing. His laugh was so bright.
“Okay Minho, if that’s really what you want.” Jisung leaned down to kiss Minho’s hair again, slipping his lubed up fingers to Minho’s hole, encircling the entrance as muscles clenched. He really wanted this, didn’t he? Minho was needy. Desperate to be filled despite saying he didn’t bottom often. Maybe he just wanted Jisung to have some control. Jisung didn’t mind. He enjoyed either way...he just hoped Minho would fuck him again like he had that first night. Eat him out and devour him again.
“You’ll fuck me next time, right?” Jisung asked hesitantly as he pressed his index slow, being very careful with how he was stretching the man.
Minho released a blissful sigh, “promise. I’ll fuck you so hard…”
“Would you rim me again?” He shoved a second finger in, glad Minho had started the stretching for him while he’d gone to get the lube.
“Yes...of course. Of course!” Minho arched his back, muscles tight around Jisung’s fingers.
“Would you make me cum the way I’m going to make you cum?” Jisung wasn’t used to talking so dirty, but he figured after all the shit he’d pulled on Minho he should try it. Minho seemed to react well to it.
“Jisung…”
Jisung laughed, pumping his fingers with ease as Minho rolled his hips, “want me to touch you, Minho?”
“Please…”
More kisses to his pretty blue hair as he reached his hand that wasn’t preoccupied with fucking him to his cock, sighing happily as precum leaked through his fingers as he began to stroke the man slowly.
“Jisung…”
“You like being touched, don’t you?” Jisung leaned over Minho more as his hand started to pump the leaking cock, mouth grazing his ear as he pressed his fingers deeper inside of Minho, feeling for that sweet spot that he craved.
Minho whined, burying his face into his sleeve as he clenched his muscles tight against Jisung’s fingers.
Jisung took a gentle bite to Minho’s ear, sliding another finger to the slick space as Minho trembled underneath him.
“Jisung I can’t—“
“You gonna cum so soon?” Jisung asked against his ear, moving his mouth back to Minho’s hair.
“Yes...can I?”
Jisung had never been asked that from anyone. Perhaps Minho did that often with his other partners in the past.
“Of course...cum all over my fingers, Minho.”
Minho moaned out at that, rolling his hips deep against Jisung’s fingers as he curled them slightly, brushing against that obvious bundle of nerves.
He didn’t last long, which wasn’t surprising. As Jisung spray his hair in kisses he could feel the seed shoot against his fingers as he palmed the head of Minho’s cock. He couldn’t help but sigh against the man, tearing his fingers from the slicker space that he madly wanted to fill.
“Jisung...Jisung...Jisung.” Minho was a babbling mess, knees buckling briefly as he attempted to steady himself over the counter, “please fill me up…”
Jisung ran his hand along Minho’s hole before pulling himself off of the trembling man, unbuckling his pants that had become tight against him. He was definitely hard. Beyond hard. But he wanted to focus on Minho. He deserved that much.
Jisung poured more lube into his hand before slicking up his length, hissing at the touch despite being touched so much the previous night. Maybe it was good that Jisung was topping again. He was probably way too sore to bottom.
“I’ll start slow—“
“Be as rough as you want, Jisung.”
Jisung blew air from his nose before angling himself with Minho’s hole, teasing the man's entrance with the top of his cock.
Minho let out a soft moan, rubbing himself against Jisung’s cock hungrily.
“If it’s too much, tell me and I’ll stop, okay?”
Minho nodded, “I will.”
Jisung drew another hard breath before pressing himself into the man, eyes rolling back at the warmth as he filled Minho. It was so nice. So nice to be inside of this man again. He wished the first time he’d fucked Minho had been better for them. Jisung had been so mad that he knew he’d been more cruel than pleasing…he really wanted to make it up to Minho this time around.
So he pulled out slow before slamming himself back in, Minho releasing a loud gasp before pressing his face back into his sleeve.
Jisung ran a hand to Minho’s hips to steady himself, the other running up Minho’s back before getting caught by his shirt, sliding up to Minho’s blue hair.
He grabbed a handful of blue, tightly holding the locks in grasp as he gave another deep thrust that sent euphoric waves running through his mind, mouth gaping in bliss as the sound of his sack smacked Minho’s thigh.
Jisung threw his head back as he gave slow yet deep thrusts, running his fingers along Minho’s hip.
“Jisung be rough...it’s okay.” Minho rose up from the counter, shaking his head from Jisung’s grasp before pulling his face to his own with a single hand, lips planting together comfortably.
He tasted so good. Per usual Minho tasted like strawberries.
“Hard.” Minho whispered against his lips.
Jisung obliged, grabbing Minho’s hair again to hold him steady as he increased his rhythm, sound of skin slapping below.
Minho’s mouth slacked through their kiss, Jisung moving his hand from Minho’s waist to clasp against his stomach, keeping the hand in his hair tight.
He seemed to like this position, whining against Jisung’s lips as pretty sounds filled his ears.
Minho was vocal as hell, moans filling Jisung’s mouth as Minho brought a hand to his jaw, his other hand holding himself up at the counter.
“Jisung harder!” Jisung wasn’t used to being rough at all. He knew he’d been rough the first time he fucked Minho, but those were his emotions. He was more under control now that he’d calmed down. And he didn’t want to hurt him at all, “seriously it’s okay. It’s okay!” Minho’s breaths were so rapid and his hair was wild and frizzing with sweat.
“You’re so beautiful, Min…” Jisung took a deep breath before increasing his pace, Minho sliding back down to the counter, face pressed against the marble as drool started to pool from his mouth, moans ecstatic.
Jisung was hoping Minho would tell him if he was hurting him, but he seemed to be enjoying the rhythm just fine.
“I like you so much…” Minho whimpered out, body tense as Jisung fucked into him recklessly, hand glued to his hip as the other kept grip on his hair.
Jisung fluttered his lashes as he felt his high building, stomach tight as Minho’s muscles clenched around him even tighter.
He felt himself slipping into euphoria, thrusting as hard as he could without obviously causing harm. As rough as Minho asked him to be, he couldn’t bring himself to harm this man. Even if he wanted that.
Jisung gasped as he released Minho’s hair to move to his cock, pumping him quickly as his own hand fell in exhaustion. He looked so desperately tired as Jisung slammed into him.
And those coils were winning. Jisung released a loud moan as he buried himself into Minho, feeling the tightness of Minho’s muscles around his cock as he came.
Jisung continued to focus on Minho despite his eyes getting blurry, focusing on the head of Minho’s cock again as he rode out his orgasm.
“Jisung!” Minho sounded exhausted, drool coating the counter where his mouth lay slack as tears sprung to his eyes, strained sounds leaving his mouth with every deep thrust.
“Minho…” Jisung drew deep breaths as he ran his hands back down to Minho’s hips, squeezing the soft flesh in his hands gently before pulling himself out, examining the white that started to leak down Minho’s clenching hole and inner thighs.
Part of him wanted to slide down and slurp it up, but another part couldn’t manage. Jisung collapsed over Minho with staggered breaths, pressing kisses into the sweaty hair.
He was exhausted, resting his face into the back of Minho’s neck as the man underneath breathed heavily, fresh cum coating Jisung’s fingers sign that he’d cum again.
Jisung pulled himself up slowly, keeping grip on Minho’s hips as he managed upright, the blue haired man a panting mess across the counter.
“Minho I’m gonna go run a bath.”
“How selfish.”
Jisung laughed, pulling Minho upright, the man whining and collapsing back into the counter with a laugh of his own.
“It’s not for me.” Jisung ran a soothing hand along Minho’s hip before lifting Minho’s legs one after the other to tug his pants down completely, “I’m going to run it for you and come back, okay?”
“You want me to sit in filth?”
“You asked for my cum.” Jisung teased, “I’ll be right back, okay?”
Minho was cute, laughing into the counter.
Jisung did like him. He liked him a lot. He didn’t want to hurt Minho, ever. He was pushing the horrible feelings Chan had given him the night before for Minho. He truly...deeply cared about this man.
He knew he did. It was impossible not to.
——
Things had been fairly calm after that. Minho did fuck Jisung a few nights later once he’d recovered from their kitchen session, and it had blown Jisungs mind. Though Minho still held that same consideration from their first time together, he’d gotten more wild and eager. Rough. It was nice. A good feeling.
Jisung liked him, he really did. Even if his heart was still patching from what Chan had told him. He could do it.
He could.
Work was slow, hours unmoving. Minho wasn’t there today. Jisung suggested aligning their days off so they could spend them together—Minho excitedly agreed. But they couldn’t change the schedule for this week. It was set.
Jisung waved off the older man he’d finished up with, unable to hold his laugh as the man begged to take two lollipops since he hadn’t tried to whack Jisung that time. Which he did often. But Jisung didn’t mind, he was just an old man who was scared of the drill.
“Is Jisung in?”
Jisung’s smile faded.
Why?
He drew a deep breath as the receptionist said a firm ‘yes’ in response. She didn’t know any better, it was her third day. She didn’t know.
Jisung’s body tensed as she approached, watching him with curiosity as she told him that someone had asked for him.
But he knew. Because he’d heard him.
Jisung didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to see him.
“Jisung?”
“Okay,” Jisung blurted, pressing passed the woman with soft apologies as he made his way to the front, arms crossing over his chest in fear as the curls came into view.
He didn’t want to see him.
“Can we go outside?”
Chan didn’t even bother a hello.
Jisung couldn’t say no. He couldn’t even look Chan in the eye. Why was he here? Why was he—
It was cold outside. There was supposed to be a storm that afternoon—he didn’t want to be out there, but he also didn’t want to be inside.
Lip quivering, he found himself unable to look at Chan as they stood in the parking lot, Jisung’s arms still clasped together across his chest.
“I just—“
Jisung glanced up slightly, capturing Chan’s mouth. He couldn’t find his eyes. He wouldn’t.
“I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have let you stand outside in the cold for so long when you left that night—“
“What do you want?” Jisung was surprised he sounded so firm.
Chan’s mouth changed into a thin line, “I wanted to properly apologize—“
“I’m not interested. I’m really…” Jisung forced his eyes to Chan’s, shaky as they met, “I don’t want it.”
“Jisung—“
“What did I just say?” Jisung wouldn’t fall back into that trap. He refused, “Chan I don’t want anything to do with you. I really don’t.”
Chan took a deep breath, “can you please—“
“No.” Jisung twitched, crossing his arms over his chest as goosebumps filled his arms, “Chan, I don’t care.”
“I don’t want to lose you—“
“Leave me alone, Chan.” Jisung’s head was spinning, “I’m begging you to leave me alone.”
“We were so close…”
“Yeah and then you cheated on me.”
Chan’s expression darkened, “you cheated too—“
“Get fucked.”
Jisung had never felt so shaky. And Chan’s expression completely changed again.
“Jisung...I’m—“
“Get away from me. Don’t touch me, don’t look at me. And don’t think about me. Ever again.” Jisung’s tone was firm, though inside he was shaking. He was on the verge of breaking down right there.
But he couldn’t. He had to do this. He had to.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“No you’re not.”
“Jisung, Jesus Christ—“ Chan reaches for him, Jisung tensing as Chan stopped so close, sliding his hand behind his back, “Do you think I really...Jisung I had no…”
“No what, Chan?”
“I had no choice.”
Jisung’s heart was beating too fast.
“It was either tell you that or continue to hurt you.”
Chan’s wording wasn’t helping his chest.
“Changbin just...I had to let you go.”
Jisung felt horrible. He felt so shaky and terrified as to what Chan was actually saying to him.
“Were you lying to me?”
Chan was silent, “I just wanted you to be able to go...I didn’t want to trap you anymore, Jisung.”
“Chan…” Jisung’s heart raced, “what do you mean?”
“I’m so sorry for hurting you, Jisung.” Chan took a step back, “I just want you to be happy.”
Jisung brought his wrist to his eyes, trying his hardest to not release the water that formed, “Chan, please stop…”
“I could never stop caring about you.”
This wasn’t fair.
“Chan stop messing with my head—“
“I’m not trying to. I just want to apologize. I just want you to know that I didn’t…” Chan stopped, taking a heavy breath as he watched Jisung with his own solemn-laced eyes.
Jisung didn’t want to deal with this. He felt too sick to deal with this.
“Don’t hate me, Jisung.” Jisung met chan's eyes, filled with an apologetic haze that caused a whimper of grief to slip from Jisung’s lips.
He didn’t hate Chan. He didn’t hate him at all. On the contrary, he still loved him. He’d always love him.
“I’m not a good person, I know that. No apology could ever make up for what I’ve done to you,” Chan sniffled, “you don’t have to accept anything but just…” Chan shuddered, “but please don’t hate me, Jisung.”
Jisung bit into his bottom lip.
“I don’t think I can...I can’t deal with you hating me. I don’t want you to hate me.” He didn’t.
“What do you want from me, Chan?” He was so shaky. So annoyed and brain so wrapped in pain.
“I love you, dove.”
Jisung turned away, walking anywhere that wasn’t where Chan was. Anywhere that was an escape. Behind the building? That was perfect. In the creek behind the clinic? Even better.
“Jisung,” Chan spun Jisung around by his shoulders, eyes so solemn and lost as their eyes met one another, “you are still so important to me. I just don’t want to trap you where you’re unhappy. Where you feel insignificant...you deserve attention and appreciation,” Jisung could feel his own tears running down his chin and smacking his exposed collarbone.
Chan looked so distraught, “I can’t do that. I can’t give you all of the attention you need...and it’s not your fault and I’m not blaming you or anything I just know that you want and need someone whose heart belongs to you and only you...and mines all split and scrambled and I can’t give you the whole piece.”
Jisung wanted to run.
“I’m sorry for everything.” Chan reached a hand to cup Jisung’s jaw carefully, “I love you,” he swallowed hard, “I’m so sorry that I couldn’t give you everything I should have...it was never your fault, okay?”
Jisung hated this.
Chan slipped his hand from Jisung’s face, backing away slowly, “I’m so sorry I did what I did. I’m sorry I cheated on you and made you feel insignificant. I’m sorry I used you,” Chan choked up, “I’m sorry that I kept hurting you and started to distance myself. I just wanted you to leave because you were unhappy and I thought if I pushed it you’d choose to leave instead of what ended up happening...I didn’t want to push you. I wanted it to be your choice but you just…” Jisung wanted to hold him.
He’d never seen Chan tremble so hard.
“You just love me so much…”
Jisung felt his chest tighten, hugging himself as his vision blurred.
What the hell was he supposed to do?
“I want you to...I just want you to be happy. And I knew that you weren’t happy with me anymore. Not with him.”
Jisung wanted to ask why Chan was still with Changbin. But he knew the answer. Changbin and Jisung were the same to Chan. He loved them both.
“I love you both...so much. I can’t choose and I can’t...I just know that he wouldn’t care either way...he doesn’t care how you feel. He’s so...he just wants control and he would say anything to keep you because he knew how much you meant to me—while I...I just wanted you to be happy. I never wanted to trap you. I didn't…”
Jisung felt sick for doing it, but he couldn’t help himself. And he wouldn’t pull away. He wrapped his arms around chan tight, burying his face into the man's shoulder that was as warm as he’d remembered. Comfortable. Chan was so comfortable.
Chan broke down against him, hand weak at Jisung’s back as he trembled against him.
Time passed. Jisung may have gotten in trouble for his extended break and then requesting to leave his shift early, but he thought it was worth it. Just for a bit, anyways.
They sat on the hood of Chan’s car, coffees in their laps as they stared out over the high view. Chan had driven them to this hilly area that they used to go on on their dates. Jisung remembered this very spot. He remembered kissing Chan for the first time here, and he remembered how they nearly got caught having sex on the hood of Chan’s car as bikers rode by another time. He remembered laughing with Chan here. He remembered being happy here.
It was a spot that meant a lot to both of them.
Now? It was probably the spot they’d part ways.
“He seems really sweet…”
Jisung took a deep breath, watching as chan stared off, the sunlight smacking his face just right.
“I’m sorry that Changbin stalked him...honestly I kind of did too. I just wanted to see who you were with...he really seems to care about you,” Chan continued, “you can see it in his eyes.”
Jisung studied Chan hard, “his eyes?”
Chan turned, a slight smile on his lips, “yeah he has that glistening look in his eyes. When I saw him for the first time with you...he cares about you a lot. It’s the same glint that...that I think I have when I look at you too.”
The glint. The pretty look that made Jisung melt.
“So,” Jisung looked back towards the sunset, “you’re leaving…”
“Yeah.”
It hurt. It hurt a lot. When Chan ordered the coffee he stopped at a red light to tell Jisung he was leaving. That he wanted Jisung to know how he felt before he left.
Jisung had calmed after they reached the hills. He’d dried his tears the moment Chan dragged him out of the car to watch the sunset with him.
He didn’t want him to leave.
But maybe this was the best thing for them.
Distance and separation. Maybe it’s what they needed in the end.
“I’m going to miss you, Chan.” Jisung took a sip of the cold coffee before settling the half empty cup behind him, hands in his lap as his eyes rested on the orange clouds in the sky.
“I’ll miss you too, dove.”
It was silent awhile. The sky growing gradually more purple and pink.
“Do you love him?”
Jisung took a deep breath, “I really like him.”
“Do you think you could love him?”
Jisung nodded, turning again from the beauty of the sky to the beauty that was Bang Chan.
“He’s really sweet. And I know that...even in such a small time that he likes me just as much.”
“That’s good, I really am glad you have someone here that cares so much about you…”
“Thank you for...seeing me before you left the country.”
The country. Chan was leaving the country.
“I wouldn’t leave without...you know.”
“What made you decide to go home?”
Chan took a deep breath, “I wanted fresh air. Change I think...and I think that leaving this place would do us both a lot of good. Plus I miss vegemite.”
Jisung smiled, “you could have ordered some.”
“It’s not the same,” Chan laughed back, taking a sip of the coffee that must’ve been awful by now.
“When did you decide to do it?”
Chan took a breath, sliding his coffee cup beside Jisung’s with a face that showed just how gross the coffee must’ve tasted, “that night. I called my mom and...she offered space if I wanted to visit. So I...decided to ask about staying there.”
Jisung sighed, “I remember when we went to your house...that weekend. It’s so hot there.”
“It’s home,” Chan whispered back, “you can always...you know you’re welcome to visit, anytime you’d like…”
Jisung thought that was sweet. But that would never happen.
“Can I bring Minho?”
Chan’s smile was wide, “if he doesn’t hate me, I’m sure my mom would fawn over him.”
It was weird. Laughing with Chan. Acting like everything was okay when deep down Jisung’s heart was still gripping onto those harsh feelings of love.
“I really do like him, Jisung…”
“I like him too.”
As the sun rose they decided to get back into the car, and then drive down the hill, and then drive to the dentistry. And in the dark Jisung couldn’t help but feel like this really was the last time he’d see Chan.
Maybe it was. Maybe it was the last time.
“Have a good night, okay?”
Jisung walked to Chan's side of the car, taking a deep breath, “Can you get out, just for a second?”
Chan took a deep breath before doing so, closing the car door behind as Jisung looked him in the eye.
“I’m gonna miss you. I really am…” Jisung watched Chan’s expression before wrapping his arms around him tight again, “I love you.”
Chan let out a shaky breath. He must’ve known. It took him a few extra seconds, arms wrapped protectively around Jisung’s waist as tiny kisses met Jisung’s hair, “I love you too.”
It felt surreal. The amount of time they stood together like that in the dark dentistry parking lot, Jisung’s car settled so close yet Jisung’s desire to reach it so far.
But he had to. He knew he had to.
Jisung was a dove. He needed to breathe and fly away.
So he did. Slowly and as his heart raced, he reached his car, sitting there for a few minutes to compose himself before giving Chan one last look, fingers raised in a small wave.
Maybe this was the best thing. Leaving. And starting over.
It hurt. But they had to do it.
Jisung took a deep breath as he pushed open the door to the comfortable apartment, the grey tabby watching him close as he put his keys in the dish by the door.
Minho was asleep, curled up on the couch with one of the orange cats wrapped between his arms.
“Cute,” Jisung laughed, dragging the blanket from the couch to drape over Minho, crawling into the space left at Minho’s feet, dragging the blanket over his legs as he watched Minho sleep.
He was peaceful. He’d probably slept the entire day.
Jisung felt nails in his arm, turning to the grey tabby that was making her way across his lap, shockingly kneading into him before curling up comfortably.
Dori had never really given him much positive attention. Not besides the time he cried on Minho’s floor...maybe she knew he needed the love.
He appreciated this cat a lot. Jisung brought his fingers to her' head, scratching the cat's scalp as her eyes fluttered shut.
He felt so comfortable, the soft sounds of Minho’s orange cat breathing and buzzing of the fan bringing Jisung such calmness that he’d never known. Or maybe he just never appreciated it.
Maybe his head was just so clear that he could finally take in all of the good surrounding him.
Jisung’s eyes left the cat to settle on Minho, blue strands of hair laying softly at his cheek, lips parted slightly as his lashes rested against the pillow.
Jisung really did like him. He truly did. His eyes left Minho again, fixated on the small cat in his own lap.
Instead of wallowing in the bathroom like he thought, he was settled there with Minho and his cats. Though the third cat was more interested in playing in the water dish...it was home. Cozy.
Australia was Chan's home. Maybe, in a weird way, this was Jisung’s…?
“How was work?”
Jisung stirred, eyes falling back to Minho, who had one eye open as the other was squeezed shut.
“It was okay. Sorry I’m late…” he wanted to talk about Chan, but maybe later. Not now. “How was your day off?”
Minho laughed, pulling himself up slowly, the orange cat unbothered and only rolling into itself as Minho crawled to Jisung’s side, head sliding comfortably onto his shoulder, “I slept through it.”
Jisung smiled, resting his head against Minho’s, “can I talk to you about something…?”
“Mhm,” Minho pulled away to sit upright, rubbing at his eyes with his hands before directing blinking eyes to Jisung. He was clearly still tired.
“I saw Chan today.”
Minho seemed uneasy at that, eyes starting to linger away from Jisung, “Ah?”
“He came to my job and apologized to me.”
Jisung watched Minho’s unease grow, “He’s leaving next month.”
Minho modded, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s a good thing,” Jisung took a deep breath after he said that, “it’s all good now.”
“Is it?”
Jisung reached his hand to Minho’s jaw, turning his face so that Minho’s eyes were focused on his own, “we talked about everything...said goodbyes.”
Minho winced, “are you okay, Jisung?”
Even through his own discomfort, Jisung was still Minho’s priority.
“I’m okay, I am.” Jisung ran his thumb across Minho’s chin, “I’m actually...I’m feeling so much better. I thought I’d collapse when I got here but…” Jisung glanced down to Dori, petting her head again, “I feel really comfortable...and safe.”
Minho brought a hand to Jisung’s wrist, pulling the hand from Minho’s chin to lace their fingers together, “are you sure you’re okay? He’s...he’s leaving?”
“They’re going to Australia. Chan’s idea…”
“Jisung…”
“It’s better. Minho, I swear.” Maybe Minho would never believe that, but that was okay. “I’m not...I thought I would crumble when I got here. But here I am…” Jisung smiled, watching that glint in Minho’s eyes, “comfortable…”
“Do you want to get food or watch a movie?” Minho was so sweet, “we could play a game or talk? We could—“
Jisung cut him off, leaning in to press his lips against Minho’s, sighing at the taste of sleep that should have been disgusting. But it was Minho’s sleepy taste, and Jisung didn’t mind it. Not one bit.
Minho was hesitant, lips parting slowly as Jisung tilted his head, eyes fluttering shut through their kiss.
He genuinely felt safe with Minho. He didn’t feel like he had to worry or pretend. Minho was so courteous and cautious with him. He went out of his way to take care of Jisung...he appreciated it so much.
Jisung deepened their kiss, bringing his arms to rest comfortably around Minho’s neck, happy sighs escaping his lips.
Minho pulled back, “do you want something to eat, Jisung?”
Jisung watched Minho close, sad that their kiss was broken so quickly, “are you hungry?”
Oh. Minho looked worried.
“Minho…I’m fine. I promise that...everything’s okay.” He brushed blue hair behind Minho’s ear, “I wouldn’t lie.”
“I know I just worry about you… a lot.”
Jisung felt the cat move from his lap, allowing him to turn and face Minho better, “I’m actually...I’m okay.”
Minho didn’t seem to believe that, “I just…”
“I’m not...using you. I just wanted to kiss you.”
Did Minho think he needed a distraction? He just wanted to kiss him.
“It’s not…”
It was, wasn’t it?
Jisung leaned in, pressing a small kiss to the corner of Minho’s mouth, “I’m sorry if I keep worrying you. I’m serious when I say that I’m okay. That I feel okay for once.”
Minho inhaled, “I just want you to be safe…”
Jisung cupped Minho’s jaw in his hand, “I am safe.”
“Is it okay to just kiss you?”
Minho modded slow, placing his hands on Jisung’s waist, “if you’re sure you’re okay.”
“I am. I really am.”
Kissing Minho felt nice. The way Minho’s fingers lingered up his shirt was nice. And the way Minho’s tongue flicked into his mouth was nice. Everything about Minho just felt right. Minho was the good constant that he was glad he found.
He wasn’t sure where he would be without him. Or what he’d be doing without him. He honestly still might have been with Chan and Changbin...or worse, alone.
But he felt secure. Minho was a safe place that he’d found. And he didn’t think he could let him go.
“Minho,” Jisung asked after a while of just sitting beside each other, “can I say something without you freaking out?”
Minho turned slightly, eyes fixated on Jisung, “hm?”
“What if I told you something that was probably...really weird.”
Minho took a deep breath, “...how weird?”
“Like weird as in...it’s early and unexpected? Maybe even bad timing considering today but...I don’t know it keeps lingering in my head and I think maybe today actually pushed it more than suppressed?”
Jisung wasn’t even sure what he was talking about anymore.
“Do you mean...how do you feel?” Minho asked worriedly.
“It’s like...don’t friends say this to each other? And then...maybe it grows more with time but...I think I might,” Jisung watched Minho’s expression. He seemed more worried than anything. “I really like you, you know.”
“Are you sure you’re not just...thinking that way because of what happened today?”
Jisung shook his head, “no...I feel a lot of relief after talking to him. Like…” Like Chan had set him free, “I feel safe here.”
“It’s sudden...and maybe you don’t mean it the way you think you do.”
Jisung huffed, leaning over to press his nose to Minho’s, “can I say it in a friendly way?”
“Are we just friends?”
“We can be until...Can we be more after I say it to you?” Jisung asked calmly, watching Minho’s expression change into shock.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Can I?”
Minho swallowed, eyes shaky as he watched Jisung, “as friends?”
Jisung modded, “for now, yeah. As friends.”
“Okay...yeah,” Minho’s expression was so hard to read, but Jisung couldn’t resist. He just wanted to say it so badly.
“I love you, Minho.” Minho was so tense, fingers shaky at his thigh, “as a friend. A really good friend, I love you.”
“I love you as a friend too, Jisung.” It took Minho a little longer to release all of his syllables. But he managed without burying himself into Jisung.
He was flushed, and it was kinda cute.
“Would it be wrong to ask to be more than friends now?” Jisung asked calmly, nuzzling his nose back into Minho’s.
“Is that what you want?” Minho asked, worry still lingering in his voice.
Jisung nodded, lips lazy along Minho’s. He wasn’t trying to make out with him again, he just wanted the affection of his lips. The affection of being loved and wanted. He really just wanted to be close to Minho.
“Then yeah, I’d like that. A lot actually.”
Jisung smiled wide, adjusting himself so that his arms draped around Minho’s shoulders before he crawled into Minho’s lap, body pressed close, “I was so worried you’d say no.”
Minho laughed, arms reaching to wrap securely around Jisung lower back, “why would I say no to that?”
“Circumstances...my timing.”
“I believe you...when you tell me you mean it, I believe you.” Minho was so kind, “can I kiss you?”
Jisung nodded, smiling wide as Minho’s lips met his, colliding comfortably as pillowy lips parted against Jisung’s thinner ones.
Minho was so safe and comfortable. It wasn’t a bad thing. Jisung needed safety. He was still a long way from completely put together. And he knew that he wouldn’t fully be able give his entire being to Minho for a while, but he had at least found some sort of safety.
That journey to safety started with Lee Minho.