Archive of Our Own

It starts out like every problem they’ve ever had - as a stupid joke. The only difference is that this time they only ‘kind of’ started it. They had always pushed each other into the spotlight. Always supported and promoted one another.

They had even played up their friendship as something more, always making the fans wonder if they were or weren't. But in Stell's mind it was never real.

That's why when somebody had suggested that they re-watch (at home, of course) their clips after their performance in preparation for their meeting the following day, he thinks nothing of it. He just adds it to his to-do list for the night figuring that he'll just be a little sleepier the next day.

When he comes in for the meeting the next afternoon, the only thing that surprises him about the fact that only three out of the five of them had done their "homework" is the ones that did it. He's not surprised that Justin watched it. It seems like a Justin thing to do. But the fact that Ken and Josh are the other two is almost shocking. Sejun makes some lame excuse about not being able to find his copy and acts as if no one really expected him to do it.

When the meeting starts, Stell still thinks nothing of it. If anything, he thinks it's funny. "I can't believe how clingy you and Sejun are on the stage talk. I mean saying ‘I love you’ like that. I don't think even Josh would act that gay," Ken comments as he takes his seat at the table while they wait for the rest of the staff to come in.

It takes Stell a moment to remember what he is talking about and it's not until he actually glances over at Sejun's face and sees the half smile and embarrassed expression that it comes back to him. "Oh, you mean when Sejun said he loved me and I said I love you back? What's the big deal? We do love each other," Stell says without a second thought.

"Yeah, but saying it like that could give people the wrong idea don't you think?" Josh asks jumping into the conversation. Stell looks at them both skeptically. This was almost too much. Not only had two of the least invested members followed through on their self-assigned homework, they had also watched the documentary, something Stell himself hadn't bothered to do since that hadn't been the point of the exercise.

"Sejun and I don't have a problem with our love for each other. We know what we mean. Right Sejun?" Stell asks thinking nothing of the nervous little laugh Sejun gives as he answers because the room is starting to fill up.

"No, of course not," Sejun says, "I don't care if everybody knows that I love Stell." Sejun says his voice getting softer as he gets more nervous.

Some of the female staff chuckle at the declaration as everyone finally takes their seats but it's time to get down to business so no one remarks on it and they go straight into the meeting.

In the following days he proceeds to tell Sejun that he loves him numerous times. At first it's just to spite Josh and Ken. He didn't like the implication they had made. They all did fan service stuff and there was nothing wrong with him and Sejun doing a little.

But soon it became more about the cute look on Sejun's face when he said it, that made him keep at it. It seemed like no matter how many times he said it, Sejun would blush and get this goofy smile that always made Stell smile too.

After a week though Sejun’s smiles start to falter and the day after that, much to Josh and Ken's snickering joy, Sejun starts to frown and ignore him whenever he says it.

Stell's not sure why he keeps saying it. Even now, as he says it again, and Sejun ignores him, in favor of packing his things up after a long day, he’s not sure why.

All he can think about is forcing Sejun to turn his head and look at him and answer him like he did before. "Why won’t you answer me?" Stell whines.

"I told you before I don't like this joke anymore."

It's the same answer Stell had received the last few times he'd tried. Stell had let it go at that before,since the others had been there, but they were alone now and Stell felt like if he could just get Sejun to say it one more time then that would be enough and he could let the whole thing go.

"Since when is my love for you a joke?" The words had been light almost teasing in his head, but when they left his mouth he surprised himself by how serious he sounded.

It was like he hadn't realized until now how rejected he had been feeling when Sejun refused to answer.

“Don't keep doing this OK?” was Sejun's reply as he zipped his bag.

“What am I doing? What's with you?”

Sejun doesn't answer him. He just slings his bag over his shoulder and leaves the room.

Stell doesn't like this, it feels wrong. It feels like he's causing problems where none existed. He knows he should let it go but some part of needs to hear it one more time. He decides that tonight isn't the night that it's going to happen though and hurriedly grabs his stuff so that he can follow Sejun and clear the air between them.

That night they have a late dinner together. It hadn't even taken Stell the whole elevator ride down to the parking garage to change Sejun's mood.

Later, though, when Stell goes to sleep he dreams of Sejun. In the dream he's chasing him. The locations in his mind change over and over, things try to distract him but the urge to catch Sejun is stronger. When Stell finally latches onto Sejun's wrist Sejun stops and smiles at him. And it’s a smile with such a sweet and honest quality to it. Stell lets his hand slide down from Sejun’s wrist and entwines their fingers. Sejun smiles down at their joined hands. Then Stell is running again, pulling Sejun along with him.

He has a purpose but it's more of a feeling than something he can name. He doesn't notice at first but he realizes that people are now chasing after them. Stell ducks into an alcove and pulls Sejun close. They’re totally inside each other’s personal space but it feels right. Sejun seems about to say something but Stell shushes him as their pursuers run past their hiding spot.

Stell can't help looking into Sejun's eyes, they’re intense and begging him for something. He lifts his head and seeks out Sejun's mouth. His lips feel soft and warm against his own. He nips at them and feels Sejun's breath mingle with his own as he opens his mouth and kisses him back fervently.

Suddenly Sejun breaks away and begins to cry. When Stell glances around he sees they’re not alone anymore and they’re no longer hidden in the alcove. They’re now outside in the open, surrounded by people who are pointing and watching as Sejun continues to cry.

He wakes up with a jolt throwing his arms up, as something falls from his nightstand when he knocks it with his arm. Stell rolls over onto his back, his breathing uneven. At first he can't stop thinking about the way Sejun was crying and what that could mean. But then his mind strays from that thought because his hands can still feel Sejun's body heat and his tongue can still remember the way Sejun's felt sliding against it.

It's weird because he's never thought about Sejun that way before, let alone any other guy. Instead of being grossed out though, he just feels kind of weirdly good like when you start a new relationship or are excited about something. It’s like he has a special secret that only he knows.

Without thinking, he lets his mind wander back to Sejun's kiss and how good it felt. He's not hard but he knows if he keeps going keeps letting his mind wander down this new path he will be without much effort and it's as he starts to contemplate masturbating to thoughts of his friend that he realizes that he's not thinking clearly.

He must be still half asleep because these aren't normal thoughts. A small part of him thinks ‘what's the big deal?’ these are just dreams and fantasies but the rest of him is disturbed by the fact that even a small part of him is willing to give up on heterosexuality so easily.

The small part tries some argument about humans being animals but the rest of Stell isn't hearing it and after a moment more of refusing to consider that argument Stell decides to check the time. He reaches for his phone and it’s only after searching in vain for a couple of minutes that he realizes that it was the thing that he had knocked onto the bed earlier. He's not really shocked to discover that it's 4:30am but he's afraid of what will happen if he goes back to sleep.

So it doesn't take him long to decide that fishing is a great idea. And in an effort to erase the memories of something that doesn't even really exist, he gets up, gets dressed, grabs his gear and heads out.

Stell decides to let the bay take his thoughts away while he tries to focus on his jogging. He plans on not letting his mind wander back to the dream or even to try and interpret it. The first half hour is the hardest but eventually he’s no longer aware of what he is trying to forget and he relaxes and enjoys himself so much he loses track of time.

When he realizes he's going to be late for work he makes a mad dash home to shower and change. He decides the refreshed feeling of sweating mean more to him than any bitching he'll receive for being a little late. And besides being late is better than arriving smelling like fish. He'd never hear the end of that either.

He catches a break when their manager calls to let him know that they are holding the meeting because something is running behind. If it had been any other issue they would have started without him but they had tried that in the past and it just didn’t work. Their boss would arrive, tear down everything they decided on without him and they would have to go over it all again. So they had decided it was a better use of every ones time just to wait on him when at all possible.

Most of the group had decided to stay in the meeting room and wait, only Ken was missing and Stell thought he heard the sound of someone with a ball down the hall. He quietly takes his place on the sofa next to Sejun who was immersed in his phone. He had decided on his way in that avoiding Sejun today would only make things worse.

“You’re late,” Sejun states not bothering to look up.

“Yeah, I know,” Stell responds, pulling his laptop out of his bag and making himself comfortable.

They each continue to do their own thing in quiet harmony and Stell starts to think it won’t be that hard to move on from the dream after all. But as soon as he thinks of it he realizes he doesn't want to forget it that easily. He hadn't really thought about it all day but it was always lurking in the back of his mind like a bizarre little bubble of happiness.

He knows it's stupid to feel this way but he can't help it. He glances to his side at Sejun's thigh so close to his own. If he just moved his leg a little they would be touching. He almost does it but he just can't. Stell steals a look at Sejun's face. It doesn't make his stomach flip or his heart race, all he really thinks is how cute he looks when he concentrates.

Nothing that different to yesterday. And with that he concludes that it's the way his dream made him feel, as opposed to how Sejun makes him feel, that he was obsessing over all day. It's weird and it doesn't really make sense but somehow it seems like enough and Stell feels like he can finally let it go and separate the two feelings.

He turns his attention back to his computer letting himself get lost in his own world until their meeting starts.

“Sir, we've made it to the co-ordinates. Would you like me to stop the engines?”

“What are you talking about Josh? Why are we out here?”

Stell couldn't understand what they were doing on this boat and why was Josh so gross? He looked like he hadn't showered in weeks and he smelled like it too.

“Well sir,” Josh said making ‘sir’ sound like it was synonymous for ‘shit for brains’, “You asked us to bring you out to where she was last seen.”

“Where who was last seen?”

“The fish, the fish!” Josh yells, “I mean really!” He mumbles loudly enough to be heard, “Why do I always ended up with the stupid ones?”

Before Stell could find a retort, Sejun comes running up behind him and bumps into him slightly, “Stell I don't like this. Can we not do this?” Sejun pleads. The terror on his face clearly evident in his voice as well.

“Sejun what is going on? Where are we? What's wrong with Josh? Why is he dressed like that? Why doesn't he know who I am?”

“Stell ... please,” Sejun begs, ignoring all of Stell’s questions, “Let's not do this. I really think something bad is going to happen.”

“Damn it Stell what the hell is going on? What are you even talking about? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!”

“Stell why aren't you listening to me?” Tears of panic start to form in Sejun's eyes and he grabs Stell and starts to shake him, “I'm not ready for this. I think something bad is going to happen. Please Stell, please,” and he adds, with a heart wrenching sob, “Don't make me do this.”

Stell is so horrified by Sejun's state, he's rendered almost speechless. He's seen Sejun scared before but nothing ever approaching this intensity. He still doesn't understand what is going but he instinctively moves to comfort Sejun. He wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. He starts to make comforting noises and strokes his hair in what he hopes is a soothing way but Sejun struggles against him and pulls free from Stell's arms.

Stell notices a guy who looks a lot like Ken, though without a shirt and sporting a weird tattoo of a small dog, approach Josh. “Cap’n we've spotted ‘er, if we are going to catch ‘er we bet’er get’n position now.”

“Stell, Stell, Stell it's here why did you do this to me? Hurry Stell! Let's go to the dingy! Maybe if we leave the ship now we can still be safe.”

Stell let himself be pulled to the back of the boat where he assumed the dingy is. He's curious about this giant fish but he's more concerned about Sejun. When they reached the end of the deck where you could access the water, a large commotion can be heard from the front of the boat.

Stell looked towards it hoping to get a glimpse of the fish but it had only been another crewman, a dirty looking version of Justin who had disturbed some the crew’s gear when he knocked it over with his hook arm. A sudden pull on his left hand draws his attention back to Sejun who has hold of it.

Stell has to brace himself to keep from falling over board as he looks down to see if Sejun has tripped. What he sees instead takes his breath away completely. Lying on the wooden deck was Sejun's body. Something had severed him down. The look of shock that Stell must have experienced as it happened was still visible on his face. Tears from Stell's own eyes mingle with the ones in Sejun's as he kneels over his body and takes him into his arms. Stell let out a wail of anguish.

Suddenly Stell is awake and gasping for air. The large gulps he's taking seem to refuse to fill his lungs. He realizes he's crying when he tries to wipe the sweat from his face and feels the wetness on his cheeks. He has nightmares sometimes but they are usually about clowns, ghosts or inanimate objects coming to life. This is different though. He'd really felt like he'd lost Sejun.

He knew it was a dream but he had to speak to him even if it was just to hear him get annoyed at him for calling in the middle of the night. Stell grabs his phone and quickly dials Sejun's number. He can feel his hands shaking. He tries calm himself down before Sejun picks up the phone but he can't quite stop crying.

“SSSTTTEEEEEEELLLLL!” Sejun says in a loud happy voice, presumably having checked his caller id on his phone before he answered. Stell can hear from all the background noise that Sejun is definitely not alone and that he's at some club or some kind of party. He doesn't know what to say. He hadn't had a plan when he'd called. His only mission had been to confirm that Stell was not really that disturbingly vivid carcass from his dream.

He then knew what he really wants to do, he wants to ask Sejun to come over to his house. He wants Sejun to hold him in his arms and comfort him to tell him that he was just being silly because it was only a dream, that he was alive and well and nothing like that could ever happen. But how could he? They didn't have that kind of relationship.

Sure if he was hurt, Sejun would come running but what he wants is something you can only ask of a lover and ... “Stell? Are you there?”

“Sejunieeee who are you talking to?” A high female voice asks from the background. Involuntarily a small choked sob escapes and Stell quickly pushes end on his call. It hadn't even occurred to him that he might be interrupting something, that Sejun would be busy with someone else.

His phone starts to vibrate in his hand. A knot of panic begins to form in his stomach. He can't answer it. Right now he can't even stop crying. What could he say? ‘Sorry to interrupt you while your hooking up some slut but I had a bad dream and I want you to come over and make me feel better’? No, clearly he wouldn't be what Stell wanted right now. He didn't have the right equipment.

Stell throws his phone down on his bed and just gives in and cries. His bed intermittently vibrates as he weeps into his pillow and when it stops, he cries even harder.

Stell walks into the meeting room sporting a pair of large eyeglasses. He'd only gotten about an hour’s more fitful sleep after that phone call and even after a shower this morning his eyes still gave away that he'd spent the better part of the night crying. Apparently he was the second to arrive, the first being Sejun who is on him before he's even made it all the way into the room.

“Stell I tried to call you back last night what happened?”

“What do you mean?” Stell had practiced his excuse on the way to work. He was using all of acting skills to give his voice just the right inflection when he spoke. But he could tell from Sejun's face that he wasn't being totally convincing.

“You called me last night.”

“No, I didn't.”

“Yes you did, and when I tried to call you back you never picked up.”

“Oh, you know what, I bet I know what happened. I found my phone in my bed this morning. I must have called you by accident. You know how touch screens can be,” Stell thought this idea might have worked. He could tell it hadn't.

“Stell I can't beli ...”

“Good morning Stell, Sejun,” came Justin's low morning voice as he entered the room.

Stell was happy for the distraction and responded in kind. But Sejun used that moment to whisper in Stell's ear, “I heard you on the phone.”

Stell's lack of sleep and overloaded emotions were taking there toll on him. “I didn't fucking call you! OK? Just leave me the hell alone!”

Justin gives Sejun a look - ‘what the hell crawled up his ass?‘ but instead of responding with a sympathetic look - ‘I know’, Justin gets more of a - ‘mind your own fucking business’ message, so he moves his bag and takes himself off to a corner away from the crazy.

Stell flings himself onto the couch. He doesn't understand what he's doing or why he is treating Sejun this way. Sejun is right, he called him. He'd wanted him there last night but he hadn't come. He'd been with some stupid bitch who he'd probably fucked senseless and left before she even got cold.

“Stell,” Sejun says carefully, “Don't be mad. You’re probably right, it probably was a touch screen thing.”

“Don’t patronize me Sejun! You already said you didn't believe me.”

“Come on Stell, don't be like this.”

Stell realizes that how big of a wreck he is is clearly evident, because Sejun is only ever this patronizing and accommodating when he thinks Stell really needs to be right. Knowing that he's got to at least appear civil or the meeting today, their last for almost a week, will get nowhere, he takes a deep breath and tries to calm his nerves.

“Sejun how about you do me a favor?” Stell can still hear the tension in his own voice but he continues, “Just let me sleep until all the other members get here and then I’ll be good as new.”

“OK,” Sejun says still using that overly agreeable tone, “Whatever you need.”

Stell doesn't wait to see if Sejun has anymore to add he puts his legs up on the couch and turns his face away from the room.

“Aren't you going to take off your glasses?”

Stell doesn't reply. He just lies all the way down and rests his head on the arm rest. He had only planned to lie there but in a surprisingly short amount of time he's asleep. He can hear them talking about him. It's Justin and Sejun and they are arguing over whether or not the meeting should be rescheduled.

“Look Sejun, I've known Stell just as long as you have and he wouldn't want us to push this meeting back. And even if we wanted to, we can't. It has to be today in order to fit around everyone’s schedule.”

“What's this bullshit about Stell being too mental to have our meeting?” Stell hears their staff grumble as he enters the room.

Stell wishes he could disappear. If he didn't know he'd regret the consequences he'd just let them decide his fate while he kept pretending to be asleep. “I'm not 'too mental’ to have our meeting,” Stell says his voice still husky with sleep. He realizes as he turns over that the reason their voices had woken him was because they'd all gathered where Sejun was standing to argue, and Sejun had been guarding him like a human shield.

All five turn their attention to Stell upon hearing his voice, ”And Justin is right. I don't want to reschedule anything. Sejun's just overreacting.”

Stell glances at the members to see their reactions to his words. Sejun looks hurt and Justin looks triumphant, the rest just look relieved.

“When,“ Sejun says in a quiet voice, “have I ever overreacted about work?”

Justin’s look of triumph melts away at Sejun's words to be replaced with a look of doubt. Josh also starts to look less sure. The other two, Ken and the staff look like they just want to believe Stell.

Josh decides now is the time to put his two cents in and what he says is both helpful and clearly self motivated, “Stell knows himself best. It's up to him whether or not he thinks he can work.”

“I agree,” Ken adds, “I wouldn't want anyone to force me not to work if I said I could”.

“Then it's settled,” Stwll says standing up and straightening his shirt, “Lets start the meeting.”

Sejun looks like he wants to argue but when all the others start to move into position around the table and Justin let's the rest of the staff know they are ready, he gives up, taking a position close to Stell's side.

Stell still isn't really sure what he's doing or what's wrong with him. He knows that it has to be more than the dream that's bothering him. But he's afraid of what he'll see if he looks too closely, so his main goal for now is to just to get through this meeting in a productive fashion and then get the hell out of there.

He knows if he doesn't lay out his ideas during this meeting they wont be able to be considered since construction will be underway by the time they meet again. And with that in mind Stell shifts his concentration to the meeting and tries to forget everything else.

By the time they break for lunch Sejun's confidence in Stell's well being has apparently improved enough that, instead of giving him sidelong looks carefully watching for Stell’s impending meltdown, he's moved on to babying him and trying to raise his spirits. Since lunch is a treat by the agency they all end up eating together in the same room and by the time lunch is over Stell has everyone cracking up and joining in.

The mood now is so much lighter than when they first gathered to start back that it is almost unbelievable that they are the same group of people. When they break again several hours later Stell almost feels normal again. He's not forcing himself anymore. He wants to laugh and smile and knows that he owes all of that to Sejun.

Stell can't help but think how lucky he is to have someone like Sejun in his life. Some one that cares enough to ...

“Stell,” Sejun says with a flirty laugh, “Stell, I love you.”

And all at once all the happiness Stell had just been feeling is gone.

“Hey you two, get a room!” Josh yells from across the room.

“Oi Stell, aren't you going to answer my feelings?” Sejun asks.

Stell tries to keep his tone light but he knows he's failed but he hopes his voice doesn’t betray the tears that are threatening to fall. He knows if they do the stupid eyeglasses that he’s obstinately kept on all day will hide them from view.

“Sejun that joke isn't funny anymore.”

Josh bursts into laughter and he and Ken start making jokes about them getting divorced. Stell doesn't look at them or at Sejun. He can't. He keeps his eyes trained on a snack wrapper that some one has left on the table. He reads it over and over again never actually comprehending what it says as he tries to get his emotions together.

When the staff finally call them back to restart he reads it one more time finally registering what it says ‘Same great taste in an all new wrapper’. If he had any humor left in him he might have laughed.

Stell throws himself down on his bed. He feels totally exhausted, emotionally and physically. He'd rushed out after they'd finally finished. Now all he wanted to do was sleep.

It’s dark and he's all alone.
Nobody cares, nobody understand how he feels.

He starts to cry and the tears pour down his cheeks. He doesn't feel him at first. The touch is too light, too unobtrusive. But when he takes him in his arms Stell can feel it immediately. It’s a feeling of comfort and love.

He buries his head in Sejun's neck and lets him stroke his hair. Stell already feels better. He doesn't need to cry anymore. He's found the one person who understands him the one person that loves him the way that he is. But it's all wrong. They aren't suppose to feel this way about each other. They don't get to be together. Stell starts to pull away.

“Wait, Stell,” Sejun whispers as he pulls him in close. Then the only thing in Stell's world are Sejun's lips warm and confident on his own.

Hungry for as much of him as he'll let him take, Stell moans when Sejun's tongue laps it's way into his mouth. There is an urgency to his kisses but the quality never falters. They pull apart each taking large gulps of air.

“Stell,” Sejun says, his desire and his want evident in his voice and his eyes, “Just for tonight let’s forget who we are and be who we want to be.”

Stell can only nod. He feels like at this moment if Sejun asked him to follow him to hell he would.

Stell brings his lips back to Stell’s and kisses him with more passion and Stell throws himself into it as well trying to make up for all of the nights that won’t come after this one. Their clothes melt away and they are on a bed now. Stell runs his hands all over Sejun's smooth fair skin. His palms tingle with the almost electric sexual heat it gives off. And the slick heat of Sejun's tongue as he works his way down Stell's chest is setting him on fire.

When Sejun goes lower and lower, and reaches his groin the world stops. He feels the heat of Sejun's breath then the hot wetness of Sejun's tongue as it slides from the base of his cock to the tip. When Stell moans he repeats it again, then encircles the tip with his whole mouth, sucking on the head.

Stell thrusts his hips up trying to get more. More of this new sensation. More of this closeness. More of Sejun's heat. He can feel his orgasm building. He chants Sejun's name, still bucking up to meet him but no matter how hard he tries he can't quite meet him the way that he wants. He comes anyway with an unintentional ‘I love you Pau’ as he does.

Stell worries about what Sejun will think about his ‘I love you’ but more than that there is a weird feeling of discomfort in his lower region.

Stell reaches out to Sejun but nothing is there.

He looks around the room. He's alone again in the dark and he finally recognizes that he's in his bedroom. It takes him a moment to fully understand where he is and what is going on.

The mess in his boxers helps him clear things up faster than anything else. Somehow he's not surprised that it turned out this way. He doesn't even bother to clean himself properly, he just uses a couple of tissues out of the box on the nightstand and changes his underwear.

Stell spends the next two days lying in bed. He doesn't shower. He doesn't eat. Doesn't answer his phone. He doesn't do anything but lie there and think about how fucked up his life is. And when he can't keep his eyes open a second longer he dreams.

It's the afternoon of the third day when Sejun comes knocking. After repeatedly ignoring his calls Stell had finally texted him the previous night saying that he was fine and asking just to be left alone.

The doorbell beeps twice but Stell doesn't move. He's has no plans to get it. Whoever it is hadn't even called first to see if he was home, so why should he care if they are inconvenienced by him not being there.

When there’s a knock on the door he still doesn't move. Maybe it's someone from maintenance. He tries to be extra quiet. If they can't hear him then maybe they will go away. But as he lies there it occurs to him that if it is the maintenance people - and really it had to be to get through the security doors, they probably have a key to his apartment and will just let themselves in if they think he's not home.

He stinks, he's not wearing proper clothes and he doesn't even want to think about what his hair looks like but that will just make it easier to say ‘I'm sick can you please come back later’.

Stell only opens the door a crack trying to let as little of his person be seen as possible. When he sees Sejun standing there instead of some uncaring handyman he almost slams the door shut by reflex.

“How did you get through the front desk?”

“One of your neighbors let me in. Stell, can I come in?” There is a frown on Sejun's face and Stell realizes he must look worse than he thought.

“I'd rather you didn't,” he says looking down at his bare feet, “I don't feel well.”

“Please,” is all Sejun says in response.

Stell's not sure what to do. He's not ready for this. He was suppose to have two more days. Two more days to get his emotions under control and squash down these feelings. He's not sure what will happen if he let's Sejun in. What if he breaks down?

“I think it's a bad idea,” Stell says starting to make the small opening even smaller, “We can talk at the agency,” and he lets the door shut.

“Stell ... Stell,” Sejun pleads through door as he knocks, “What did I do? How can I fix this?”

“You didn't do anything, there isn't anything to fix,” Stell answers.

“Then why am I talking to you through your door? Why can't I come inside? Stell we aren't like this. This isn't us.”

“Please just give me until our training in two days,” he begs, “Then everything will be okay.” Stell can feel his eyes welling up with tears.

“It wont be okay Stell! This is ridiculous! I'm not leaving until you let me in.”

Stell just stands there and lets the tears fall. When had he become like this? So tired and weak, so emotionally overwrought. Recently it feels like his whole world has been turned upside down and no matter how hard he tries he can't put it right again.

Slowly Stell opens the door. Sejun looks surprised as he gets a proper look at his face but he doesn't comment, he just moves inside quickly and takes off his shoes. Stell heads to the living room and lays down on his couch. It feels like nothing can ever be good again. During these days of self pity he had finally opened Pandora's box and admitted to himself that he was in love with Sejun, that he had been in love with Sejun for some time. That apparently he was in love with Sejun so much that his subconscious refused to let him ignore it any longer.

While he was lying in bed he had analyzed his actions and reactions over and over again. And now he finally saw things clearly and honestly instead of turning a blind eye to them like he had so many times before.

He hears Sejun approaching the couch and he closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at him just yet.

“Stell,” Sejun says and Stell can tell by his voice that he's very close. But he is still surprised when his hand gently brushes through his hair.

Stell stubbornly keeps his eyes closed.

“Don't cry,” he says in a soft voice, “It will be okay. Just tell what's wrong and I promise I'll help you.”

Things will never be okay again Stell thinks to himself. Sejun has no idea what he is saying. No idea how Stell has ruined everything by falling in love with him.

Stell's only answer is to cry harder. “Come here Stell,” Sejun says pulling him into his arms.

And Stell lets himself be pulled into Sejun's embrace. He buries his face in his shoulder and cries because he'll never be what Sejun wants.

He cries because this might be the last time they are close like this. And he cries because even if he wants to keep trying to hide it from Sejun, he knows that he will tell him tonight.

He has to tell him that he loves him and when Sejun rejects him, he doesn't think he will ever be able to get over it.

They sit that way for a long time. Stell's not sure how long but Sejun had continued to hold and comfort him long after he had stopped crying.

The air in the room had taken on a stillness that made it seem like time had stopped and he could hear Sejun's heart beating from where his ear pressed against his shoulder.

He actually felt better. It wasn't like all of his problems were solved or he didn't know that tonight was going to end badly but he had felt so lost lately so on the edge of falling off the deep end that even a little attention was a major comfort.

He wasn't in any hurry though, to pull away or talk it out.

“Stell?” Sejun asked softly, like he thought maybe he had fallen asleep.

“Hmm,” Stell grunted.

“You stink.”

There was a pause of dead silence then Stell let out a croaky laugh. “Thanks” he said in a hoarse voice.

“Come with me,” Sejun says getting to his feet. Stell can only groan as Sejun pulls him up by his wrists and drags him to the bathroom.

“Take your clothes off,” Sejun says as he gets some towels and turns on the water heater. When he comes back into changing room Stell is still dressed and just standing there watching him.

“Are you going to get undressed or do I have to help you with that too?” Sejun asks as he starts to take his own pants off.

“What ... are you doing?"

“What does it look like I'm doing? I am going to give you a bath.”

“Then why are you taking your clothes off?”

“So I don't get wet. What? I'm still wearing my underwear.”

“Sejun I don't need you to give me a bath. I can ...”

“It's fine Stell,” Sejun says simply, ignoring him and pulling his shirt over his head. When Sejun makes for his boxers he just grinds out, “Fine,“ as those are removed too.

Sejun pulls him, now naked, into the shower area of his bathroom and sits him down on the small stool kept near the bath. It feels weird to be in his own bathroom with Sejun like this.

Sejun has seen him topless before but it was usually in a large pool or at showers on their tours when they were younger trainees. There is a privacy here that is very different from those other places.

Without any preamble, Sejun turns on the water and gently runs it over his back. Once Stell is completely wet, including his hair, he hangs the shower head up and starts to lather shampoo in his hair. Sejun's hands massage the shampoo into his scalp in small circular motions that feels so good he might melt. Stell can't help but lean in to it.

“Does it feel good?” Sejun asks him with a smile in his voice as a shiver runs through his body.

“Uh hun,” Stell says afraid if he says more his voice will let Sejun know exactly how good he's starting to feel.

“Lean your head back,” Sejun says as he cups his hand on Stell's forehead and runs water in his hair. He conditions his hair in the same way but it's faster and not quite as arousing.

When the washcloth touches his back Stell feels relief wash over him. Sejun had picked one of the abrasive ones that he uses to scrub his skin instead of a soft cloth. If Stell concentrates on the rough fabric he'll only have lose his dignity once tonight.

But of course nothing in his life can ever be easy and when Sejun lathers the body soap on the cloth it's just the right amount painful pleasure. Sejun moves his hands in maddening circles that go lower and lower with every pass his hand makes. Stell squeezes his legs shut trying to hide his hard on.

Next, Sejun discards the cloth and begins to massage the soap with his bare hands. Stell can't ever remember Sejun doing that before but the way his long fingers caress him is too nice for him to worry about it further.

“Do you like it Stell?”

Stell doesn't bother to try to articulate a response. He just lets his eyes drift close and moans as an answer.

“Okay, I'm finished with the back. Lets do the front.”

Stell's eyes pop open and he clench thighs even tighter. “Wha ... what the hell are you talking about? Why would you need to do the front? I ...”

“Stell,” Sejun says facing him his eyes dark as he takes one of Stell's hands into his own, “I want you too,” he says and then he pulls Stell's hand into his clothed erection.

Stell stares at him opened mouth not sure what to say. He doesn't move, he doesn't know what to do. He feels it though, like it's burning his hand. Hot and hard, similar to his own but so very different. It's not the first time he'd ever touched it but it was never hard like this and he'd never done it on purpose.

Stell gives him an experimental squeeze. “Ahn... Stell,” Sejun moans softly.

Stell likes the way his name sounds when Sejun says it like that and he likes the way his face contorts into a look of pleasure that he's never seen before. Hesitantly he lets his thumb trace over cotton covered hardness. He feels himself get bolder the more enticing noises Sejun makes. He's all but jerking him off and starting to contemplate sticking his hand inside Stell's boxer briefs when Sejun's hand stills his own.

“Stell,” he says his voice deep and breathless, “If you keep doing that I wont be able to wash your front.”

Stell doesn't know what to say to that so he just lets his hand fall away from Sejun and waits. This seems to be what Sejun wants because he soon picks up the washcloth and lathers it again. He starts with Stell’s shoulders, working patterns down his chest with the soap. The scratchy cloth sends a jolt down his body every time it catches on one of his nipples.

Stell lets his hand tentatively touch Sejun's bare chest. It seems so different now. He’s full of thoughts he wouldn't have even let himself entertain before, about how soft his skin feels and wondering how it would taste.

Sejun puts down the washcloth again and puts a large quantity of soap in his hand. At first Stell thinks he's just going to soap up his legs, but after he reaches his knees, his hands continue up and start to gently soap the outer part of his thighs. The teasing caress of Sejun's hands has Stell unconsciously parting his legs and his cock springs free, begging for Sejun's touch.

Still Sejun continues to soap his thighs, now soaping the insides rather than touching the one part that wants his touch the most - the part that is throbbing and leaking and begging for his hands.

“Oh God Pau, please just touch me.” and he does and Stell almost comes from the contact.

Sejun's soap slicked hands sliding up and down his shaft bringing him to a new ecstasy. He wants to let go and just come but he wants to feel Sejun let go too. He pulls at Sejun's underwear and tries to pull them off but Sejun just bats his hands away.

“At least take off your underwear. It's not fair that I'm the only one naked.”

“If I take them off I wont get to finish cleaning you.”

“I don't care if you finish cleaning me.”

“But I want to take care of you.”

Stell stops and lets that sink in. He'd been so busy letting Sejun ‘take care of him’ he hadn't really looked at things clearly. What exactly were they doing? Stell didn't necessarily want to stop but he wasn't looking for pity either. Was this just some new weird extension of their friendship? Was Sejun actually turned on by him or was he imagining he was with someone else while he bathed him and was that why he didn't want to be touched.

“Pau ... what exactly is this? Why do you need to take care of me?” Stell asks letting all of his newly found fears show in his voice.

“Because - I love you.”

Stell wants to believe that Sejun means that in a way that is so much more than the joking confessions they had shared, but how could he?

“Stell, I thought you would never return my feelings. But the way you’ve been acting lately, and then when you wouldn't say you loved me back - I, I thought maybe there was a small chance that you loved me the way I loved you. Stell. I'll always care about you, no matter what your answer is but I'm right aren’t I? You’re in love with me at least a little bit, aren't you?”

“So, you’re saying that you love me?” Stell repeats not believing his ears.

Sejun looks nervous but nods.

“And you've been in love with me for some time?”

Sejun licks his lips like his mouth has gone dry but still responds without faltering, “Yes.”

Stell is once again stunned into silence. This was the last thing he had expected. It was hard to know what to do.

“What about that girl?”

“What girl?” Sejun asks his brow furrowing.

“The one I heard the night I called you - and hung up.”

“So you admit you called me!”

“Of course I called you. What about her?”

“What her?”

“The one that was all 'Seejuuunieee?'” Stell says making his voice high.

Sejun chuckles but quickly answers, “I'm not sure who that was but there is nobody that I’m with or that I even think about the way I think about you.”

“Then why can't I touch you?”

“I already told you why.”

“You really want me?”

“Stell you know I want you.”

Stell knows what he wants to say but Sejun's open declarations of love seem to be making it harder instead of easier.

“Is it OK if I kiss you?”

Sejun nods and Stell leans in to gently press their lips together. It's weird considering they’ve both explored parts of each others bodies that they have never touched before tonight. But this kiss feels right. It feels like it's the beginning of a new chapter in their lives that they are about to start together.

There is strangeness to kissing his best friend but it also feels good. Stell breaks the kiss after a moment. He knows Sejun is waiting for him to respond and he knows the longer he waits the harder it will be. The three little words that started it all were now part of the gateway to their new life together.

There doesn't seem to be an easy way to say I love you.

So Stell just says it. “I love you too.”

Sejun pulls him back in almost before the word have fully left his mouth.

His kiss is passionate like he's trying to let Stell know exactly how long he has been waiting to hear Stell tell him that.

Stell lets his hands roam Sejun's body while his tongue turns his brains into mush. When Stell's hands find their way to the waistband of Sejun's underwear again, he just moans into Stell's mouth.

When Stell slowly pulls them down and takes Sejun in hand, he doesn't try to stop him. He lets his hand slide up and down Sejun's length enjoying Sejun’s instant reaction as he trembles in his hand.

Sejun's hands return to Stell's own need and it feels like it's a battle to see who will lose control first. Stell feels like he's at a disadvantage because Sejun already has him quite worked up. But he tries to keep the rhythm they are making together. Too soon Stell’s senses start to overload and he loses the ability to do anything but feel.

Sejun seems to understand this and breaks their kiss, pulling him closer. He joins their hands together and takes both of them in hand. They moan in unison as their cocks meet for the first time. The extra heat pulsating against his own inflamed flesh feels so good.

Stell knows he's not reciprocating the way he wants to but it's taking all his resolve to try and not come until he thinks Sejun is ready. But his control is slipping as Sejun makes use of the only areas of Stell's body not covered in soap.

Sejun starts nipping and sucking on his ears and neck until Stell thinks he might go crazy from all the stimulation. “Come for me Stell,” Sejun breathes in his ear as he strokes them faster, “I want to see what my hands make you feel.” His hot breath and even hotter words combined with the increased speed of his hand make it impossible for Stell to hold out any longer.

With a moan that vibrates off the walls and bounces around the small room, Stell comes all over their joined hands. Sejun guides him back against the wall without breaking contact. He continues to whisper heated words into Stell's ear but Stell is to busy feeling to understand.

He does recognize the moment though when he feels Sejun begin to tense up and he soon comes with a loud moan as well.

Stell holds the door open for Sejun as they enter the meeting room. They’re not the first but Josh and Justin are too preoccupied with there own things to do more than acknowledge them as they arrive.

They sit close together on a couch. Stell immediately leans his head on Sejun's shoulder while he pulls out his phone. Stell is more than happy to sit just like this occasionally reading snippets of some tweets and articles that catches his eye while they wait.

Ken and their manager arrives 5 minutes before the meeting is scheduled to start. Seeing the surprised looks their manager blurts out, “I had an interview down the hall before this. I trust everyone made good use of their solo time.”

Stell gives Sejun sideways look and smiles.

“I see those two have made up and are cheesier than ever,” Josh observes as he walks through the door.

“No gayer than that movie you were watching,” Justin said and everybody but Josh laughs. He looks a little hurt but Justin shoves him in a playful way and Josh retorts, “At least I'm not some loser corny joker.”

“Hey!” Justin says, “My jokes are iconic.”

“Who said that?”

They keep trading barbs as they move to the meeting table basically announcing that now they have arrived the meeting can start.

Stell sighs and moves to get up but Sejun pulls him back and whispers so that no one else will hear, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Hurry up you two lovebirds,” Josh snipes from across the room. Stell just smiles.