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The boat holding Arthur’s lifeless body floated away, along the lake of Avalon. Merlin felt his tears run freely down his face as he lost this man. The man he loved so openly, and yet so closed off at the same time. He was broken. There was no point in continuing this life, knowing Arthur wasn't in it with him. He felt so empty. So lost, as he watched Arthur float away. And it was at that moment when
Merlin wished he could forget. Forget Arthur, Morgana. Everyone. He’d simply remember his time without Arthur.
And that is exactly what he did.
Merlin returned to Gaius’s chambers and he searched for his book on magic. Frantically, he flipped through page after page till he found what he was looking for. Merlin would use this. Forget his life with Arthur. Remember his immortality and Gaius and his mother. Everyone else he met. Except for Arthur, for the memory hurt too much. The knowledge of his destiny with him was too much to carry.
Merlin knew the damage this could cause, how dangerous this would be. It was for the best. Knowing he had to wait years for Arthur to return to him, is what hurt more.
Merlin grabbed a parchment, quill, and a bottle of ink. He was writing to Gaius, on what he was doing. Informing him that he won’t remember Arthur. That he’s doing this for himself. He rarely does things for himself. He signed it with Merlin and then brought it out to leave on the table, for Gaius to see when he returns from his rounds, checking on the knights that were injured in the battle of Camlann.
Merlin returned to his room, and from there he began the spell. He looked into the mirror and said the spell, set the intention, and then it was done. He felt, empty. In away. But for the reason of that, he did not know. He was in Camelot, living with Gaius. He worked alongside Gaius and he made some friends of course. That’s what he knew.
And when Gaius returned, and Merlin watched him read whatever it was on the table, and watched as Gaius frowned, looking at him sadly.
“Oh, Merlin,” Gaius said. Merlin was confused. Why?
“What? What’s happened?” Gaius didn’t reply.
Merlin knew of his immortality. The way he would age with time, but could simply return back to his young self using magic. He lived while others around his died. It hurt. Watching the ones he cared about to die before him. Gaius, Leon, Percival, Gwen. Merlin lived through it all.
He grew older and met new people and only watched as they died before him. And he would always go back to his younger self after that and continue on.
Something kept him here. In what used to be Camelot. Now it wasn’t, going by a different name. Everything was modernized, and Merlin was old. He lived longer than he could remember. 1,517 years perhaps. Maybe longer. Merlin lost count.
It was 2019 now, he had a home around what used to be the lake of Avalon. It kept him here. And he had no idea why.
Merlin owned a medicinal clinic here. He used remedies that he remembered Gaius using. Merlin used his knowledge to help others, to heal the injured. While he himself, felt more empty as the years went on. Merlin often found himself staring into the lake from his window, yearning for something that he couldn’t remember. Merlin was tired. Tired of living endlessly. He would never die, no matter how much he wished he could. He was living for no purpose. There was no magic. No dragons, as they all died out. Nothing. Merlin couldn’t even feel the magic in the world around him. He was the magic of the world, and he was so empty that the rain was never-ending. A continued cycle of rain. It was depressing.
Then it happened. He was in his office, reading through paperwork and books and such. Old books dating from back in Camelot. Cassie, one who works alongside him, ran into his office, clearly out of breath.
”What is it?” Merlin asked, his brows furrowing as he ran his fingers through his long beard.
”You won't believe this, but a man wearing armor just emerged from the lake, ” Cassie explained, swallowing. ”It looks like something you would specialize in. Considering he isn't speaking English.”
Merlin was confused. The water was always too cold to swim in, and why would someone wear armor in it? And someone who doesn't speak English at that. Merlin stood, his bones cracking. Old age was not a good look on him. Not good on anyone really. He hummed and followed Cassie out. And sure enough, there was a man there, yelling at the crowd in old English. Words that Merlin could understand.
Looking at him, he felt something hit him. The blonde hair. The jaw. The Camelot armor. Merlin knew him. But how? His head was spinning. And then the man looked at him, and he saw the look of recognition pass over his face. He started yelling again. Asking where he was. Who they were. Claiming to be Arthur Pendragon.
Arthur Pendragon.
Arthur Pendragon.
Arthur Pendragon died in the battle of Camlann. Merlin had held him as he died. Merlin had loved him until the end. Merlin had protected him as best he could, but he failed. Arthur. Merlin remembered. Everything. Merlin saw everything. Remembered everyone. Everything. Arthur.
”Arthur, ” Merlin said, moving past everyone and going into the lake, the cold water giving him instant chills as he moved to get to him. Arthur was still yelling. Profanities now, before looking at him again. ”It’s me, it's Merlin.” Merlin didn't realize how quickly he started speaking the old English dialect. How easily he slipped into it.
Merlin didn't care that people were watching as he made it over to him and grabbed his wet face. Arthur. He came back. All these years, Merlin had no idea who he was when his name was spoken. Merlin had gotten rid of his memories of him.
”Merlin, ” Arthur spoke, looking at him. Merlin knew he recognized him, despite being old. ”Where is everyone. Who are these people?”
—
Merlin took Arthur back to his home and he felt terrible by how modernized it was. How unfamiliar Arthur was here. Merlin used his magic to make himself look young again. To when Arthur knew him, and Arthur watched, looking lost. Merlin knew he must be confused. Merlin was as well. His head hurt from everything. The impact of remembering everything just by seeing his face again. Hearing his voice.
”Come, let's get you cleaned up.” Merlin looked at Arthur, as Arthur stared.
”How long has it been?”
Merlin took a deep breath. He wasn't expecting that question. He looked down at his hands, which were young-looking again.
”1,517 years.” Merlin’s voice was small as he answered. ”Its been 1,517 years.”
”You’ve been alive, all this time, ” Arthur spoke, glaring down at the wooden floor. Everyone Arthur knew, besides Merlin, was dead.
”Let me get you washed up, ” Merlin said again, to get Arthur out of his thoughts. He went over to him and gently grabbed his arm to pull him up, but Arthur flinched away and stood himself. Merlin swallowed and took a step away from him and led him down to the bathroom, where he had just finished running the bath. He felt the water and whispered under his breath a spell to make it a bit warmer, for Arthur’s liking. ”Would you like me to stay, or do you want me to leave?”
”Your eyes glow when you use magic.” Merlin wasn't expecting that. He looked at Arthur through the mirror attached to the wall and stared back at him. Merlin chewed on his bottom lip and stood up, moving over to Arthur to undress him, remove the armor on him, and the clothes he wore underneath. He inhaled sharply when he saw the scar. Where he was stabbed. Merlin touched it, and Arthur flinched again, making Merlin back away.
”I’m sorry, ” Merlin said, swallowing thickly out of nerves. Whenever he touched Arthur, the man flinched. Merlin couldn't blame him. He had magic, and he knew Arthur didn't like magic.
”Don’t, ” Arthur spoke, looking at him. ”Just undress me.”
Merlin did, removing the clothes he wore, that was damp from the water. Arthur moved to the bath and stepped into it, sitting down. Merlin stood, awkwardly by the door.
”The others, ” Arthur began, getting Merlin’s attention. ”Guinevere. How did she.. “ Arthur trailed off, clearly distressed.
”Old age. She was a fine Queen with Leon by her side. She did wonderful things, sire. She lifted the magic ban after a few years. She ruled fairly and justly, just as you would have.”
Arthur hummed and looked down at the water, staying silent. Merlin took the opportunity to continue speaking.
“I didn’t remember you. I had taken away my memories of you. It hurt so much because I...” He paused. “I failed you,” he said instead, “and I couldn’t bear it. I used magic to get rid of them.”
“You didn’t fail me, Merlin.” Arthur looked at him, and Merlin could just tell how heartbroken he was. Arthur loved Gwen. More than anything. Knowing she was gone, hurt and Merlin knew that. “You were braver than anyone I’ve ever met. You remained at my side until the end. Even though you didn’t have to.”
“Of course I had to. I had to protect you.” Merlin was quick to move forward, to sit on the toilet beside the bath. “I had to keep you safe—it’s what my destiny was. It—I had to.”
Arthur smiled sadly and Merlin felt his heart simply break in half. “Leave me.”
Merlin stood and nodded, setting a towel on the toilet for Arthur, telling him he can use this to dry off before leaving and shutting the door behind him.
Merlin went to his room, which was across the hall, and closed the door. There, he broke down. For the first time in years. He was so immune to death. Seeing those he loved to die before him. But Arthur was back, and he remembered everything, and he just simply couldn’t.
Merlin fell to his knees and cried, his vision blurry and his chest aching so horribly. He did fail. He was too late. He had lost Arthur, and now Arthur was back, and Merlin remembered everything. From the day they first met, to when Arthur died in his arms.
Broken. That’s what he felt, broken. Broken, as he sobbed. This was building up, Merlin thought, this was everything building up.
He cried and didn’t even listen to the doors open. Didn’t even acknowledge the arms that wrapped around him and pulled him into a chest. A slightly wet chest, because Arthur probably didn’t dry off before leaving. Typical Arthur.
Merlin allowed Arthur to pull him into him, but that didn’t stop the weight of everything crashing down on him. That didn’t stop the tears from leaving him. The back of his head was cradled, and he heard some words leave Arthur’s lips, but Merlin was so overwhelmed he didn’t hear him.
Arthur has grabbed his face, cupping his cheeks in his hand and made Merlin look at him. Merlin did, through blurred vision due to his tears.
“It’s okay, Merlin. I know. It’s okay,” Arthur said, clearly, making Merlin choke out a sob.
“It’s so, overwhelming. And I feel so g-guilty,” he stuttered, taking a deep breath. “Because you lost people you cared about and came back and they didn’t—and I remember everything.”
“You lost people too. Probably more than I. I lost men all the time. It was expected in battle. But you, Merlin. You are stronger than any man I once knew. You’ve lived longer than anyone, and I don’t know how many people you’ve lost.”
“So many.”
“I know I told you once there’s no point in crying over someone you’ve lost, but you are allowed to cry, Merlin.”
Merlin let out a soft, weak, laugh. Arthur used his thumb to wipe his tears. How Arthur wasn’t upset at this moment, was beyond him. Arthur should be the one crying. He just came back to a world that wasn’t his own.
Merlin took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. Pushing away his emotions.
“Let’s get you dressed.” Merlin stood up, Arthur standing with him. Merlin turned and went to the closet in search of some of his more looser fitting clothes, to make sure Arthur was comfortable. This was a world unlike his own. The technology was more advanced.
Merlin grabbed a loose sweater, some trousers, and underwear and began to dress Arthur. Just as he had all those years ago.
“Merlin, you don’t have to do this.”
“You’re useless, so yes I do,” Merlin retorted, the insult coming naturally.
“Excuse me? I am not useless.”
“Arthur, you can’t even put on trousers properly. Let alone, without a button. These, have buttons. They aren’t like they used to be.” Merlin pulled the trousers on him, and zipped them up, buttoning them. They fit fine. Then he dried him off more and pulled on the sweater.
“I don’t like this. It’s too scratchy.”
“I know, but it’s the best I can do right now.” Merlin sighed, smoothing out the sweater, that looked nice on him anyway. He reached up and dried Arthur’s hair with the towel, causing it to be a bit more fluffy.
Merlin ran a hand through his own hair and sighed, before going to his beard, before remembering it’s not there.
“You must be hungry, let me get you something to eat.” Merlin gently touched Arthur’s arm, and the man didn’t flinch this time. Merlin led him downstairs, and into the kitchen. Which, might be a bit overwhelming for Arthur.
“What’s this?” Arthur came over to a toaster and fiddled with it.
“It’s a toaster. It makes toast.”
“Then where is the toast?”
Merlin snorted, and Arthur turned to glare at him. “No, it doesn’t make it magically-“ Arthur flinched. Right, magic. “I mean, automatically. Here.” Merlin grabbed two slices of bread and put them in. He plugged in the toaster and pushed them down. “Now we wait a few minutes and they’ll pop out, like toast.”
Arthur blinked, shaking his head. He was clearly confused. This was a lot for him. He’s been, sleeping for a while.
“I heard you,” Arthur said, making Merlin furrow his brows.
“Well I hope so, I was speaking to you-“
“No, like. When I was, gone. I suppose. I heard your voice. What you said.”
What did he say? What did he say? He doesn’t-oh. Oh.
“Oh.” The toast popped, scaring both of them.
“Bloody hell.” Arthur exhaled, while Merlin put the toast on a plate. Merlin went to the fridge to get butter. Arthur went to the fridge and stuck his head in it. Merlin yelped and pulled him out. “What is this box that is cold?”
“It’s called a refrigerator. You don’t stick your head in them.” Merlin breathed out and spread butter on the toast.
“And you leave food in them? Doesn’t make much sense to me.”
“Well of course not. Your brain is the size of a pea.” Merlin expected the wack to the back of his head, but he still smiled nevertheless.
“Your brain is the size of a pea!”
“Valid argument, Arthur.” Merlin was just glad they got off the topic of what Merlin had whispered to Arthur after he died. After he sent him away on the boat. What he said both times. That he doesn’t regret, but it wasn’t something Arthur was supposed to hear.
Merlin made Arthur a toasted sandwich and gave it to him, so he could eat. Arthur took it and sat down at the table and began to eat, looking around subconsciously as he did so.
—
Later, the sun had begun to set. The sun, that they haven’t seen for days. Later, was when Arthur brought it up again.
“Do you still, feel that way?” They were in Merlin’s room, Merlin was preparing Arthur for bed. He swallowed thickly and looked back at Arthur, his expression full of pain.
“Arthur,” Merlin sighed, moving over to the bed to sit on the edge of it. “I have had many lovers in my lifetime. Men and women,” Merlin explained, fiddling nervously with his hands. “And you had a wife. Who you loved very much. And I, I was just your servant. Who was a magic-user, and used it every day to protect you. Get some sleep, Arthur. You need it.”
Merlin stood and began to blow out the candles, that he had lit instead of using the light.
“Wait,” Arthur grabbed his wrist. “Use your magic.”
Merlin looked at Arthur and said a spell, the candles going out by themselves.
“They’re gold. When you use magic. You get gold in your eyes.” Merlin furrowed his brows and looked down.
“Goodnight, Arthur.” Merlin then left the room and closed the door behind him. He planned on taking the couch, so Arthur could get his bed. But he couldn’t sleep.
And neither could Arthur. Arthur laid in Merlin’s bed, suffocating in how he smelled. It was dark. Too dark. Arthur has been in the dark for way too long. Alone. He did eventually fall asleep, but it wasn’t for long.
He had a nightmare. He dreamt of the battle, everything was slow around him. There was a dragon, he remembers. Saxon’s were being defeated. And then Mordred-
Merlin woke up to Arthur’s screaming. Well, he was barely asleep. His eyes were just closed. He got off the couch and hurried to his room, the door flying open. Merlin crawled onto the bed and he pulled Arthur into him, holding him.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe.” Merlin ran his fingers through Arthur’s hair, while Arthur clung onto him. Now it was Arthur’s then to cry. The shock of everything washing away and filling him with grief. Merlin was here to make sure he wasn't suffering in silence. Merlin let him sob, holding his trembling body.
“Mordred,” Arthur said, and Merlin knew exactly what was wrong. “Mordred smiled, as I stabbed him. After he stabbed me.” Arthur took a deep breath, as Merlin moved behind him. “And everything hurt, but I was so filled with adrenaline that it didn’t hurt that bad, and then I passed out. I don’t know.”
“It’s okay, just breathe for me,” Merlin whispered. “I’m right here. You’re here. You’re safe.”
“Then I woke up, and you were there, and you told me you had magic and I suspected it for so long, but when you told me I just-“
“Arthur,” Merlin spoke, his voice steady. He moved so he could grab Arthur’s face, just as he had grabbed his own hours ago. “It’s okay. You’re here with me.”
“You defeated the Saxons. I died without telling my wife I loved her, but I died seeing you, being held by you.”
“Arthur, love,” Merlin said, the name slipping by accident, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that Arthur was here, with him. Merlin moved again, to kay down beside Arthur, to pull Arthur into him. To hold him. “She knew. She knew, Arthur. And she loved you too. Everyone did. I did. I do. I regret not telling you sooner. About my magic. About how much I care for you.”
“I should have told you when I was dying. I should have said it,” Arthur whispered.
“Say what?” Merlin asked, his heart beating just a bit faster.
“That I loved you.”
Merlin looked at Arthur and wiped away his tears.
“It’s okay.” And it was. It will be. They’ll figure it out. Merlin was here with him now. And Arthur was here with him. Alive. That’s all that matter.