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Neil gets back to the apartment and slams the front door hard enough to shake the wall. He doesn’t know if anyone is home and he doesn’t really care if he’s making too much noise. He’s in a bad mood. He’s pissed and he wants everyone to know.
There weren’t a lot of things that could piss him off but having your not-really-sort-of boyfriend tell you to take a break and figure things out was motivation enough to tip Neil over the edge.
Matt is sitting on the couch when Neil makes his way into the living room. He’s already looking over the edge of his laptop, looking a bit nervous, and watching Neil with careful eyes as he storms into the room.
“Hey, buddy,” Matt says slowly, “What’s goin’ on?”
“Nothing,” Neil says. He throws his bag down on the ground and slumps into one of the empty armchairs. Matt is still watching him warily but Neil can only stare up at the ceiling and replay the words “figure things out” in his head over and over and over again.
What the fuck does that mean?
“What the fuck does it mean when someone says you should take a break to ‘figure things out?’” Neil asks. Matt lets out a surprised choking sound and Neil finally looks down from the ceiling only to find Matt giving him a look of complete shock.
“What?” Matt asks, “Were you seeing someone?”
Was he? Neil had no fucking idea anymore. Andrew had always said it’s nothing and this isn’t a relationship but then six months later, after countless nights sharing a bed, making out in any empty classrooms on campus, and sneaking around behind Andrew’s family’s backs, suddenly they’re a thing that needs to be given a break.
“You know what he said to me?” Neil says. He always says whatever he wants when he’s upset. He doesn’t think any filter that might have existed before is working right now. “He said that I should take some time for myself.” Neil says mockingly.
“I’m sorry-” Matt says, shocked, “He?”
“And then he tells me that I don’t really know what I want,” Neil continues as if Matt had never spoken, “I’m not a child. He’ll let me suck his dick but won’t let me decide if this is something I want.”
“He what?” Matt says, “Okay, okay. Hold on.” Neil looks up in time to see Matt lowering his computer to the coffee table in front of him and leaning forward on the couch so he can get a better look at Neil. “You need to start from the beginning. First of all, you’re seeing someone? Second of all, they dumped you? And third of all, why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
Neil opens his mouth and then closes it and then opens it again. He lets his head hang back on the armchair and groans.
“It’s complicated,” Neil confesses.
“Clearly.”
“He said it was nothing,” Neil adds, “I was okay with that. I would have taken anything.”
“Neil, that’s just sort of desperate,” Matt says, “Actually it’s very desperate.”
“Maybe I am,” Neil says. He sits back up and then stands from the armchair all together, suddenly unable to keep himself tethered to one place. “I am desperate. I like him. Now he’s telling me to experiment with my sexuality before it’s too late.”
“Huh,” Matt says shortly.
Neil doesn’t give him a chance to say much else. “It’s bullshit. I’ve had people make decisions for me my entire life. I’m twenty fucking three, I think I can make a decision about who I like and who I don’t like. Right?”
Matt scratches at the back of his head and says, “Yes?”
“Yes, Matt,” Neil says, stopping so he can give Matt a serious look, “The answer is just yes.”
“Right,” Matt says, “Listen, buddy. I’m still sort of confused here but it sounds like he broke up with you.”
“We weren’t together,” Neil says, “And if we were, how was I supposed to know? He never said anything.”
“Did he tell you that he was hooking up with other people?” Matt asks.
Neil shakes his head.
“Okay, did you guys go on dates?”
They went to the diner every once in a while and sometimes Andrew would bring Neil coffee when he was studying in the library. That wasn’t really a date. Then again, Neil’s knowledge of dating and dates and romance was completely contingent on the things he learned from others or what he’s seen on tv.
“Maybe?” Neil asks, “I don’t know.”
“Right,” Matt says, “Did he hold your hand? Did he spend a lot of time with you? Text you regularly? Go out of his way to see you?”
Neil stops pacing and freezes in the middle of the living room. Apparently his reaction is answer enough. Matt sighs.
“You were dating,” Matt concludes, “And you didn’t even know.”
Neil shakes his head. “Dating insinuates that both parties want to be in a relationship. He didn’t want to be.”
“So you were sort of dating,” Matt says, “And you had no idea.”
Neil stays silent. The gears in his head are turning and clogging like they’re trying to churn butter.
“And he dumped you,” Matt says.
Neil opens his mouth and then closes it and maybe he looks like a guppy fish but he can’t seem to gain control over his reactions anymore.
Were they dating? Neil didn’t know. Didn’t think that was what was happening. Matt sighs deep and then rests his elbows on his knees.
“Are you okay?”
Maybe. Maybe not.
“I think so?” Neil says, “I just-“ he stops and then shakes his head.
“You’ve never dated anyone before, right?” Matt asks. Neil nods. “So this is your first break up. And you didn’t even realize you were dating.”
Not for the first time Neil feels like a real big fucking idiot.
“Oh,” Neil says, “I guess so.”
Matt stands up and grabs his phone.
“I think this calls for some alcohol and reinforcements. Sound good?”
Neil nods but nothing sounds good really. It all sort of sounds like nothing.
“Cool,” Matt says, “Congrats on your first real break up, buddy. Sorry it had to happen this way.”
Neil falls back into the armchair and covers his face with his arm. This was definitely more embarrassing than he thought it would be. He still isn’t convinced that it’s really a breakup but he doesn’t have anything else to compare it to.
“You shouldn’t settle for the first person you find attractive,” Andrew had said, “Just go fuck around and figure things out.”
Figure things out. Figure things out.
The most frustrating part? Neil thought he had it all figured out. Now he wasn’t so sure.
*
Allison shows up with half a liquor store shoved in her pink backpack. Renee is close behind her carrying in alcohol free alternatives and a bag full of take out. Dan shows up from class and starts to drown Neil in affection and for the first time in a long time Neil would rather bite his own arm off than be touched by someone. So he just gives them all a healthy amount of distance and stays seated in his usual spot on the couch.
He isn’t sulking. He isn’t really upset. He’s just mad. Really, really mad.
“Do you want a drink, cutie?” Allison asks, “Renee brought boring alcohol free options if you’re interested.”
Neil sighs and shrugs. He could maybe go for a drink or two or three but he goes for the boring alcohol free options because old habits die hard and he isn’t much a fan of being drunk anyway. Allison doesn’t seem to care either way. She looks pleased as he takes the alcohol free beer and falls back to the couch.
“Do you want to talk about it, Neil?” Renee asks from across the room, “That’s why we’re here.”
“There is nothing to talk about,” Neil says, “I’m fine.”
Matt makes a happy noise and then snaps his fingers in Allison’s direction. “Drink, he said I’m fine.”
Allison grabs her glass from the coffee table and throws it back in sync with Dan and Matt. Neil groans.
“You made a drinking game about my misery?” Neil asks.
“What happened to ‘I’m fine?’” Allison asks, “Or did you finally decide you are miserable.”
Neil drinks his strangely fruity beer and leans back into the couch so he doesn’t have to respond.
“Are we opening up bets as to who the mystery man that dumped Neil is?” Allison asks, wiggling her eyebrows, “This is easy money and it’s fun.”
Neil groans.
“Was it Kevin?” Matt asks, “Don’t tell me it was Kevin. Please don’t tell me you fucked Kevin. I will literally do anything to ensure you don’t say Kevin’s name.”
“It wasn’t Kevin,” Neil mumbles, annoyed.
“Oh thank god,” Matt says in relief, “I was going to question your taste so hard if it was Kevin.”
“Didn’t you fuck Kevin?” Dan asks. Matt sputters.
“Do I look like I would fuck Kevin?”
“I’ve fucked Kevin,” Allison says, raising a glass up, “It wasn’t bad.”
Neil looks to Renee for a reaction but she’s just smiling happily as if the confession doesn’t bother her. She probably already knew. Neil doesn’t understand the inner workings of a relationship, did they tell each other things like that? Who they fucked and who they didn’t?
Andrew never told Neil anything. Which makes him wonder if there was someone else. It shouldn’t bother him. He knew what he was getting into when he first started whatever this was with Andrew. But a part of Neil wants to be selfish and keep Andrew to himself.
The banter carries on easily and Neil just sinks further and further into the soft expanse of the couch. At one point Allison hands him a plate of pizza but he just lets it warm his lap while he zones out.
He still doesn’t know what Andrew meant by figure things out. He wishes he had asked him before he just stormed out of Andrew’s apartment.
Neil’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He discards the plate of untouched pizza onto the coffee table and pulls his phone out.
Andrew: what are you doing right now?
Neil frowns at his phone and leans back, tucking his chin against his chest and avoiding any eye contact. Everyone is too preoccupied with their alcohol and food and banter to pay him much attention. He taps against the side of his phone while he debates a response.
Neil: allison and renee are over
Andrew: so nothing exciting then
Neil rubs his mouth to try and keep any sort of reaction at bay, but his insides swirl like creamer in coffee.
Neil: guess not
Andrew: have you thought about it?
“Neil,” Matt says as if he’s been saying his name for a while now, “Who are you texting?”
Neil locks his phone and tucks it back into his pocket. He reaches out for his plate and puts it back onto his lap. The pizza is getting cold and he misses the warmth against his skin.
“No one,” Neil says. He shoves pizza into his mouth so he can avoid answering any more questions.
Matt doesn’t look convinced but Allison slips a shot into his hand and tells him to drink, so any arguments are quickly forgotten.
Have you thought about it?
Neil has done nothing but think about it. What a stupid fucking question.
*
“You’re avoiding me.”
Neil looks up from his workbook to find Andrew standing over him, a bag slung over his shoulder and his glasses hanging from his shirt collar for safe keeping. It takes a second for Neil’s brain to catch up. He was just elbow deep in algebraic theory. He blinks away the equation stuck behind his eyes and frowns.
“What?”
“You’re avoiding me,” Andrew repeats. He drops his bag onto the table and pulls out the chair beside Neil, turning it around so he can lean over the back. Neil just watches him.
“You told me you wanted to take a break,” Neil says.
“You misunderstood. I asked if you wanted to take a break so you can figure things out.”
Neil scowls. “I didn’t misunderstand. You’re just being indecisive. As per usual.”
Andrew looks amused but doesn’t smile enough to show it.
“It was just a suggestion,” Andrew says casually.
And that, that just serves to make Neil pissed off all over again.
“It didn’t sound like a suggestion,” Neil hisses. He’s trying to keep his voice low because they are in the library, but there is a group of students a few tables away that are chattering loud enough to cover any sounds coming from their table.
“Neil,” Andrew says seriously. He reaches out and catches hold of Neil’s collar, turning him so that he can’t look away. “I was the first person you kissed, right?”
“No,” Neil says, “The girl in Canada.”
Andrew raises an eyebrow. “Does that really count?”
Neil frowns. “Yes.”
“Fine okay,” Andrew concedes, “The girl in Canada. A one point five second kiss on the lips counts I guess.”
“Get to the point.”
“I’m getting there,” Andrew says dismissively, “I’m the first person you had sex with.”
Neil looks away, his cheeks heating up, but Andrew tugs his collar again so he can’t go very far. It isn’t a question but Neil still answers anyway.
“Yeah.”
“Don’t settle just because I’m the first person you’ve fucked around with,” Andrew says, “That’s all.”
Neil frowns. “That’s not fair.”
Andrew releases his hold on his collar and shrugs.
“Do you know what you want, Neil?” Andrew asks.
Neil frowns and thinks about it. He thinks he wants Andrew. He thinks he wants to be in a relationship for as long as Andrew wants him.
But that isn’t really knowing what you want is it? He thinks he knows, but does he really know?
“I-” He stops and then closes his mouth.
“Now who's being indecisive?” Andrew asks. He stands up and pushes the chair back into its spot before grabbing his bag.
“I think you should give yourself a chance to figure out what you want, Neil,” Andrew says, “I won’t make that decision for you.”
“Aren’t you making it now?” Neil asks, petulant.
Andrew snorts and ruffles his hair as he passes behind him.
“Good luck.”
“Fuck you,” Neil says to Andrew’s back. Andrew just flips him off before disappearing out of the library. Neil sighs and lets his head fall straight into his open textbook.
Maybe he should take some time to figure things out. The answer still felt rather simple even if Andrew couldn’t see it.
*
“How do you know you want to be with someone?” Neil asks. He’s laying out on the floor of Katelyn’s dorm room, there are fairy lights hanging from the ceiling, Neil watches them sway in time with Katelyn’s fan.
“Uh,” Katelyn starts, before scratching at her chin and leaning over the side of her bed to look down at Neil. “That’s a loaded question.”
“I’ve never done,” Neil says then vaguely waves his hand in the air, “Relationships, before.”
“Is this about the guy that dumped you?” Katelyn asks, she leans on her elbow and settles in to watch him.
Neil groans. “I was not dumped,” Neil complains, “Did Matt tell you?”
“Allison actually,” Katelyn says, “She said they even threw you a pity party.”
“It is not a break up,” Neil explains, “And that was not a pity party. That was an excuse for them to get drunk.”
“So,” Katelyn says, “You don’t know if you want to be with this mystery person? Is that the problem?”
“He keeps telling me that I don’t know what I want.”
“Do you know what you want?” Katelyn asks.
Neil sighs and throws his arm over his face. “Yes. No. Maybe.”
“That’s the full spectrum of answers you could give,” Katelyn replies.
“How did you know you wanted to be with Aaron?” Neil asks. He doesn’t think he really wants to know but he pushes the question out anyway.
“Well I thought he was cute,” Katelyn says thoughtfully, “And then we started talking and I thought he was funny.” She hums and taps her pen against her notebook. “It sort of spiraled from there.”
“Cute and funny,” Neil says out loud. He doesn’t think either of those words fit Andrew. Although, Andrew did have his moments. Especially when he would make up exaggerated stories about random people they saw in public.
“It’s not just that,” Katelyn says, “He’s easy to talk with. He makes me feel- I don’t know, comfortable. Happy.”
“Happy,” Neil repeats.
“Does that help?”
Neil sighs and blinks up at the fairy lights and tries to think about what it means to be happy.
“I guess,” Neil sighs. He rolls over onto his stomach and pulls his notebook back into position in front of him.
“Let’s just finish this project so we can never think about it again,” Neil says.
Katelyn laughs. “Fine. Just know you can talk to me about it if you want.”
Neil nods and starts picking through his notes and tries very hard not to think about Andrew.
*
Neil lasts all of two days before he finds himself in Andrew’s bed again.
Neil is sitting against the headboard with Andrew on top of him. They’re barely kissing, just lazily dragging their lips together, uncoordinated and messy. Neil has a hand wrapped around Andrew and vice versa.
The speed of their hands is as lazy and leisurely as the kissing. Even at the slow speed Neil feels like he’s two steps away from the edge. His breath catches. Andrew notices and starts to speed up and then swallows down Neil’s moans as he comes over Andrew’s knuckles.
Andrew wraps his hand around Neil’s and helps finish himself off. Neil can’t stop staring, can’t stop pressing open mouth kisses wherever he can reach on Andrew’s face.
When they’re both cleaned up they fall back into bed together, laying on their sides, facing each other and watching.
“What happened to taking a break?” Neil says sleepily. He could probably pass out right here if Andrew let him, but Aaron, Kevin, and Nicky will probably be back soon. Odds are that Andrew will kick him out before anyone can catch sight of him.
“You’re taking this to heart,” Andrew says.
Neil tries not to let it bother him.
“I just don’t understand what you meant,” Neil replies, “What you mean.”
“I didn’t have a chance to experiment until juvie,” Andrew says, “Even then it wasn’t the best place to start. Moving out here gave me more opportunities and then starting school really opened up doors to willing participants.”
Neil frowns. “That sounds wrong.”
“Shut up,” Andrew says, but his eyes are flashing with amusement before quickly settling, “You say you’re only attracted to me.”
“Yeah,” Neil says.
“How do you know?”
Neil shrugs and leans a bit closer, rubbing their noses together.
Andrew sighs and gives him a single kiss before giving them a healthy amount of space. Neil frowns but doesn’t try to close the distance a second time.
“Do you know why?” Andrew asks.
Neil shrugs.
“You’re not being helpful,” Andrew tells him. He reaches out and places a hand in the side of Neil’s head, his fingers working through the curls.
“I’m rarely helpful,” Neil confesses.
Andrew shakes his head. “You’ve never been given the chance to mess around before. I just think now is the time.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“Then don’t,” Andrew says, “You just-“ he stops and rubs at his lips before saying, “You deserve a chance to try.”
Neil frowns and this time he doesn’t hesitate before leaning forward and tucking his head under Andrew’s chin. Andrew lets him.
“Okay,” Neil mumbles, “I don’t want to take a break.”
“You want to fuck around with other people at the same time?”
“No. Do you?”
“No,” Andrew says immediately, as honest as breathing, “But I won’t stop you.”
Neil sighs and nuzzles a bit closer. They’re running out of time. Andrew will probably peel him away soon and force him up and out of the apartment before his family gets back.
“I’m not going to mess around,” Neil insists, “It’s all or nothing.”
Andrew snorts. “So dramatic.”
He tugs Neil’s hair and pulls him away.
“Get up,” Andrew says, “I’ll drive you home.”
“I’ll walk,” Neil replies. He sits up in bed and stretches out. Andrew just watches him.
“Fine.”
They say goodbye at the door and Neil kisses Andrew more times than he should before Andrew is shoving him out of the apartment and closing the door on him.
Neil walks back to his own apartment. His only company are the blinking street lights near campus and the occasional car passing by.
He wonders if he can just have this without having to figure out all of the gritty details. Does it matter why he wants Andrew and only Andrew? Does it matter if he’s never been with anyone else?
They aren’t even really dating. And even if they were, did it matter? Did any of it matter?
When he gets back to the apartment he ignores Dan and Matt on the couch watching a movie and goes straight to bed. He pulls out his phone and looks over the messages from Kevin about practice and getting back into a regular gym schedule again. Neil sighs and pulls up his chat with Andrew.
Neil: what do you want?
He hopes Andrew knows what he’s trying to say. He stares at his phone and watches the bubbles dance as Andrew types out a reply and then deletes it and starts again.
Andrew: does it matter?
Neil frowns and taps the side of his phone.
Neil: it does to me
Several minutes pass without a reply. Neil rolls onto his stomach, frustration bubbling in the back of his throat.
Neil: I know you don’t think I know what I want but maybe I do
He waits a second and then adds.
Neil: would it be a bad thing if all i wanted was you?
A reply doesn’t come but Neil can see that Andrew opened and read his message. His heart is fluttering like wings on a hummingbird. He rolls from one side to another and then settles on his back, staying up at the ceiling unblinking.
“What am I doing?” Neil says to no one. He unlocks his phone again and opens up a web browser.
He types in what does it mean to be attracted to only one person? He scrolls through the results and opens a random thread of questions and answers.
There are so many responses. Real stories from real people. Neil tries to read it all but it’s too much and yet somehow not enough. He opens a new tab, searches asexuality, and makes it about two results in before he’s locking his phone and letting it fall straight to his chest.
It’s hard to understand how other people feel. Even harder to understand how he feels. Neil rubs at his eyes and tries to think back, tries to remember a time when he felt the same way he feels about Andrew with anyone else.
He draws a blank. Because there has never been a time before this. There really hasn’t been anyone else.
The girl in Canada really doesn’t count for shit.
His phone buzzes against his chest. Neil picks it up and stares at the message waiting for him.
Andrew: no
A second later another comes in.
Andrew: just confirms you have shit taste
Neil lets out a startled laugh and then covers his mouth so he doesn’t attract Dan and Matt’s attention.
Neil: you’re too hard on yourself
Neil: does that mean you also have shit taste?
Andrew: probably
Neil hides his face in the crook of his arm and tries to settle the warm sensation that’s blooming in his chest.
*
Katelyn and Neil aren’t really friends more than they are study partners with very little in common. That doesn’t mean that Neil doesn’t trust her, he probably would trust her more with Andrew’s identity than any of his other friends, considering that they all pass around secrets like currency.
Which is why he was half debating telling her everything during their next study session. The only problem is that she showed up to the library with someone else at her side. They studied for all of ten minutes before Katelyn had to take a phone call and left.
Neil wishes she would come back.
“You play soccer right?” Marissa asks.
Neil is trying really hard to get this assignment done. It’s due next class. He wishes she would stop talking.
“Yeah,” Neil mumbles. Marissa leans forward and her hair ends up falling on his textbook. He casually brushes it aside so he can see his work.
“That’s cool. Are you any good?”
Neil’s phone buzzes against the table and he grabs it quickly so he can avoid answering.
Andrew: library?
Neil: yeah
“I guess,” Neil says under his breath. He puts his phone back down and taps his pen against the side of his textbook.
Katelyn was his partner for this project not Marissa. He wishes she would come back so he could finish and then go back to the apartment. Maybe he could convince Andrew to come over. Maybe they could curl on Neil’s bed and watch a movie on his laptop.
“What do you do for fun?”
“I don’t know,” Neil says, “Hang out with friends.”
“You’re friends with Allison, right?” She asks. Neil tries to keep himself from being frustrated.
“Yup.”
A coffee is dropped noisily onto the table in front of him. Neil looks up in time to see Andrew standing over him, dressed in all black, with his nose and cheeks flushed pink from the cold air.
“Hey,” Neil says dumbly.
“Hey yourself,” Andrew replies. He looks at Marissa who's awkwardly smiling and playing with a long strand of hair. Neil doesn’t spare her more than one glance.
“You brought me coffee,” Neil says.
“Obviously.”
“Don’t you have class?”
“I’m going,” Andrew replies. Neil leans back in the chair and tilts his head. He isn’t sure what he expects Andrew to do and what he gets is a rough ruffling of his hair as Andrew turns to walk away.
“Wait,” Neil calls but Andrew doesn’t turn back around to look at him.
“Did Andrew Minyard just bring you a coffee?” Marissa asks, shocked, “How-?”
Neil rubs his eyes and tries to think about why Andrew would be dismissive. He does that sometimes, but it felt different just now. Neil can’t figure out why.
“Hey sorry,” Katelyn says, announcing her return and sitting back into her seat. Neil sits back up and catches her eyes across the table. She looks down at the coffee and then raises an eyebrow.
“Andrew just brought Neil a coffee,” Marissa announces. Neil throws his head back and keeps from letting out any sort of groan. Katelyn just keeps looking at him in shock until something seems to click in her head and then she smiles like she just realized something incredible.
“Oh my god,” Katelyn says under her breath.
“Anyway,” Neil forces out, snapping his fingers and pointing down to his textbook. “Project. Finish. Now.”
Katelyn laughs and then covers her mouth when someone sends her a dirty glare from across the room. Marissa just watches them with confusion.
Neil sort of wishes he had followed Andrew out of the library.
*
Andrew: you took my advice
Neil chews on the corner of his thumb and stares at the message on his phone. Dan is sitting on the couch next to him, her legs thrown over his lap, and Matt is on the floor in front of them, a bowl of popcorn sitting on his stomach.
Neil: what?
“Who are you texting?” Dan asks, attempting to sound casual.
Neil’s heart is fluttering painfully in his chest.
“No one,” He says dismissively.
Andrew: your study date
Neil sits up and nearly knocks Dan’s legs off of his lap. He sits frozen for a second trying to let his brain process what Andrew just said to him.
“What’s wrong?” Matt asks from the floor.
“I’ll be right back,” Neil says, “Don’t bother pausing the movie.”
Dan moves her legs without being asked and Neil stands up to retreat to his bedroom. As soon as the door is shut he opens Andrew’s contact and hits call.
“What, Neil?”
“You’re mad,” Neil says, “You’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad,” Andrew replies, “A heads up would have been nice.”
Neil scowls and starts pacing around his bedroom.
“What are you talking about?” Neil asks, “What study date? What heads up?”
Andrew lets out an annoyed huff of air and Neil wishes they were in person so he could reach out and take Andrew’s cheeks in his hands and shake him back to his senses.
“I’m not stupid, Neil. The girl in the library.”
“Marissa?”
“So she has a name.”
“Everyone has a name, asshole,” Neil replies, and then sputters before saying, “Wait did you think I was on a date with Marissa?”
“She was definitely flirting with you,” Andrew says, and it sounds like defeat.
“You’re kidding,” Neil whispers. He stops pacing and rubs his free hand over his face. “I didn’t notice.”
“Now you’re the one whose kidding,” Andrew accuses. He doesn’t sound upset, or angry, or annoyed, just bored which is somehow worse.
“Did you think I was lying to you when I said I didn’t want to fuck around?” Neil asks, “Did you think I was lying when I said I only want you?”
Andrew is quiet for a moment and Neil feels like stomping his feet or maybe throwing his phone across the room or maybe he wants to march over to Andrew’s apartment and yell at him in person.
He does none of those things.
“I can’t believe this,” Neil says, “Why don’t you trust me?”
Andrew sighs, long and forlorn, “I didn’t say I don’t trust you.”
“I’m starting to think that this is less about me figuring things out and more about you,” Neil says, “What is it, Andrew? What’s bothering you so much.”
They stand in silence and Neil squeezes his phone and squeezes his eyes shut until he doesn’t feel so untethered.
“You don’t even know do you?” Neil asks.
More silence. Neil nearly does throw his phone. But he stays strong.
“Fine,” Neil says, “When you figure it out. Let me know.”
He hangs up and then stares at his phone for several minutes before collapsing into a pile of aching limbs on his mattress. He grabs his pillow and throws it at the wall. It doesn’t help but he didn’t think it would.
*
“So you think you’re asexual?” Renee asks.
She’s pushing a cart through an aisle at the grocery store. Neil is trapseing behind her, poking at bags of rice as they pass.
“Demisexual,” Neil clarifies, “Have you heard of it?”
He doesn’t think he needs anyone’s approval of his identity. But he thinks it might help. And he doesn’t know how to feel if they disparage it on him.
“I have,” Renee says calmly, “Why do you think it fits?”
Neil shrugs. Renee stops to grab some boxes of pasta off of the shelf and place them into the cart. Dan sent them out to go shopping for their weekly “family” dinner. It was technically Neil’s turn but none of them believed he knew what to buy. They were probably right. Neil lived off of canned goods and soup for most of his life.
“There is someone,” Neil says, “That I am sort of seeing.”
“The one that Matt said dumped you?” Renee asks with a smirk.
Neil really wishes he had just fumed quietly in his bedroom instead of in the living room to Dan and Matt.
“Yeah,” Neil says, “We didn’t really break up and it’s still sort of up in the air but- uhm-” He pauses and then toys with the edge of the cart. “He wanted to know why I liked him and only him and if I was sure.”
Renee hums. “It sounds like he was insecure.”
“Maybe,” Neil replies. He couldn’t imagine Andrew being insecure about anything, but then again they hadn’t spoken since they had their argument a few days ago. Neil wonders if Andrew is trying to work things out for himself.
“So you started doing research?” Renee asks. She starts walking again and leads them down the next aisle. Neil shoves his hands in his pockets so he won’t poke at any more products on the shelves.
“Yeah,” Neil says awkwardly, “I think it fits. I don’t look at anyone else differently. It’s just him I’m interested in.”
Renee stops walking and looks over her shoulder to smile at him. Neil tries to look away, tries to hide his face, but it’s sort of hard when he’s standing out in the open like this. He shuffles from one foot to the other and shrugs.
“I don’t know,” He confesses, “I think it might be too much for him.”
“You never know,” Renee says sweetly, “It could be just right.”
Being just right would insinuate that Andrew still wanted to be with him. Which has yet to be seen.
“I’m happy for you,” Renee says, “I’m happy you found a word that fits with how you feel.”
“Thanks,” Neil says awkwardly. He clears his throat and then starts walking past Renee and the cart. He hears her let out a soft laugh and then the wheels on the cart start to squeak as she follows him.
“What else are we getting?” Neil asks.
“Desert,” Renee says.
In the freezer aisle Neil pulls out his phone and sends Andrew a text.
Neil: have you thought about it?
He locks the phone and doesn’t bother checking for a response. He ignores it when it vibrates and follows Renee to check out and then back to the car.
He doesn’t look until he’s helping Dan put dinner together. Allison, Matt, and Renee laughing and talking in the living room. He stands over the counter with several boxes of pasta in front of him and stares down at his phone.
Andrew: yeah
Neil: care to share with the class?
Andrew: later
Neil frowns and puts his phone down and let’s Dan sweep him into putting dinner together. It’s a decent distraction from the fear that’s creeping like a spider up the back of his neck.
Later.
*
Andrew: where are you?
Neil: just left class
Andrew: come over
Neil stares at his phone and taps his foot on the concrete beneath him. He sends Dan a quick text that he will be home later if at all and then starts the walk off campus to Andrew’s apartment.
It isn’t a long walk but it’s cold and the wind is biting Neil’s cheeks. When he gets to Andrew’s apartment he stands outside without any idea what is going to happen as soon as he goes inside. Will Andrew reject him? Will he tell him he made a mistake? Will he say I was the one who needed a break.
Neil lets out a breath and tries to steel his nerves. He walks inside the building and goes straight to the elevator and up to Andrew’s floor. He assumes no one is home but finds himself face to face with Kevin when he opens the door.
“I’m leaving,” Kevin says immediately, instead of hello or hey Neil or why are you here?
“Okay?” Neil says awkwardly. Kevin opens the door and Neil steps inside. He gives him one lingering look and then immediately leaves, slamming the door shut as he goes.
Neil turns away from the door to find Andrew standing in the center of the hallway. He’s wearing a loose pair of PSU sweatpants that hang low on his hips and a sweatshirt that definitely used to belong to Neil.
“What’s his problem?” Neil asks and then adds, “Is that my sweatshirt?”
Andrew doesn’t answer. He steps forward and grabs hold of Neil’s shirt and tugs him into the apartment. He doesn’t stop until he has Neil inside his room with the door closed.
“What?” Neil asks, “What is it?”
“I’m not going to apologize,” Andrew says. Neil can’t help but let out a startled laugh.
“I would never expect you to,” Neil says.
“I pushed you,” Andrew says, “I shouldn’t have.”
“Right. Why did you say all of that shit?”
Andrew runs his hands through his hair and then sits back onto his bed. Neil follows him, keeping a healthy distance but close enough that Andrew can reach out and touch if he wants.
“I didn’t think it was real,” Andrew confesses, “That’s all I’m going to say.”
“And now?” Neil asks.
“You didn’t even notice someone was flirting with you, Neil,” Andrew says, “Why me?”
“Why not?”
“I’m serious,” Andrew says.
Neil steps forward and reaches out his hands. Andrew just huffs and takes them, letting Neil step into the space between his legs.
“Because you make me feel quiet,” Neil says, “Because you’re easy to talk to. Because you never judge me. Because I don’t want anyone else.”
“Okay,” Andrew says softly. His eyes burn brighter than the setting sun.
“Okay?”
“Yeah,” Andrew says, “I shouldn’t have doubted you.”
“That’s okay,” Neil says casually. He steps forward and let’s go of Andrew’s hands so he can grab his shoulders. “Everyone doubts me.”
“That’s because you’re a walking disaster.”
“Rude,” Neil huffs, “If I am then so are you.”
Andrew reaches out and grabs Neil’s waist. He falls back and pulls Neil down with him until he’s laid out on top of Andrew’s chest, his face tucked into the crook of Andrew’s neck.
“I don’t need to experiment with my sexuality,” Neil says, “I already know what I want and who I am.”
“I know,” Andrew says.
Neil sits up and leans over Andrew so he can look him in the face.
“I only want you.”
“I know.”
“I think that’s okay,” Neil says, “There is nothing wrong with that.”
Andrew shakes his head. “Nothing wrong with that.”
When they kiss it’s not a parting of ways as Neil feared it would be. Instead it’s a welcome home that he didn’t know he desperately needed.
“By the way,” Neil says, pulling back and pushing Andrew down with a hand on his chest when he tries to follow his lips, “I did figure out a label.”
“So my pestering did help,” Andrew says.
“Don’t look so proud of yourself.” Neil smiles and then leans down to kiss him before pulling back and saying, “I’m demisexual.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
Andrew grabs Neil by the back of the neck and tugs him down so that he can kiss him senseless. This time neither of them pull away.