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Miya Atsumu sighed in defeat as his boyfriend Sakusa Kiyoomi kissed him on the cheek for the umpteenth time that day, sliding his arms around Atsumu’s waist and dragging him to the bed. Sakusa pulled him down, tugging Atsumu’s back to his chest and tangling their legs together, one arm on his hip and the other pillowing his head. It was a Saturday afternoon, a rare one where they were both free. They were just lazing around in their apartment, and Sakusa had been extremely affectionate the whole day. Unusually so.
It was only three in the afternoon and he’d already hugged Atsumu fourteen times and kissed him twenty-seven times in total, on the forehead, nose, cheeks, lips, neck and hands. Yes, Atsumu had counted. Sakusa had never been one for physical touch. He didn’t mind it in private, but he didn’t exactly want it either, and he was definitely not comfortable with PDA. Pretty much the only time they had actual physical contact was when they had sex, and they only had sex about once a fortnight. And now he’s randomly cuddling with me?! I give up. This is freaking me out. “Alright, what do you want? Sex? We haven’t done anything in weeks, you must be frustrated, huh?”
Sakusa frowned, dropping a gentle kiss to the side of his boyfriend’s neck. “...What?”
Is he seriously making me ask right now? Honestly, I love him, but sometimes... Atsumu rolled his eyes fondly. “What do you want?”
Sakusa’s frown deepened. He tugged on Atsumu’s waist, gently urging him to turn around and face him and looking into the setter’s clear hazel-green eyes. “What do you mean, what do I want?”
Atsumu raises an eyebrow. “You’re never this affectionate. You obviously want something, so what is it? C’mon, tell me so I can give it to you. Not sex? Umeboshi, then? I think we ran out, but I can run down to the store and get some for you. Not that surprising, honestly, considering the rate you burn through those things. Or do you want me to draw you a bath? You like them with extra Epsom salt, right?”
Sakusa felt something in his chest twist sharply. Does he... Does he actually think that I’m only doing this because I want something from him? Oh god... What have I done... Or rather, what the hell did I not do? He pressed a tightly clenched fist to his mouth, his other arm still beneath Atsumu’s head, the urge to cry suddenly welling up as his heart squeezed painfully.
“Omi-Omi?” his boyfriend’s concerned voice was what pushed him over the edge.
“Why are you still here?” the words twisted their way out of Sakusa mouth before he could stop them.
Atsumu froze, his hands curling against his own chest. “W-What?”
“Fuck, no, I’m sorry, that came out wrong,” Sakusa panicked. “What I meant was... Why are you still with me? I... I saw the way you looked at Hinata and Kageyama yesterday. When he came to watch Hinata practice, and that shrimp nearly tackled him to the ground before they hugged for a solid five minutes. I-I could tell that you wanted what they had.”
Sakusa gulped hard, desperately trying to find the right words to say. It’s too late to turn back now. “I know... I can tell that you’re not happy with me, Tsumu. I know you want someone more affectionate, more cuddly, more... touchy, in general.” He gently pressed a finger to Atsumu’s lips when he opened them to interrupt. “But I don’t want you to- to leave me. I don’t... I want... I love you, Atsumu. Even if I don’t show it. But I know that it’s not enough for you. You’ve put so much effort into our relationship, but I’ve done.....pretty much nothing at all. You’ve always been the one changing for me, and it isn’t fair.”
Atsumu felt his heart speed up. Please don’t say you’re breaking up with me. Please don’t say you’re breaking up with me. “What exactly are you trying to say, Omi?”
“I’m... I don’t... want anything, except you, of course, I’m just...... I’m just trying to be worthy of your love, of you. I want to put as much effort as you do into this relationship, into us. We’re at the point where cuddling isn’t even normal for us, where you think that I’m only touching you because I want something, and that isn’t right. If you’re not happy with me, sooner or later, you’re gonna leave me for someone else, someone better than me, and I don’t... I don’t want that, because...I-I love you.” Sakusa’s last words were somewhere between a whisper and a whine, averting Atsumu’s gaze as a light blush spread across his cheeks. And Sakusa never blushed. “A proper relationship involves touch, and- and I haven’t even given you that, not really. What kind of boyfriend am I? It’s the bare minimum, and I’m sorry I haven’t... I’m sorry I’ve denied you if it. I’m trying, Tsumu. I really am. Please wait for me. Just a little longer, I promise. Then I’ll be able to give you a proper relationship, a normal one. I’ll be able to make you happy, I swear I will. I just- I just need to get over the l-last few mental hurdles. It-It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything! I just-”
Atsumu had never seen his boyfriend this open, this awkward, this...... vulnerable. He looked at his coal-haired boyfriend tenderly, his breath puffing out through his nose. “I think you forgot to take one thing into account, Omi-Omi.”
Sakusa snapped his jaw shut mid-sentence and looked up, his eyes wide in trepidation. He almost looked...... scared. It was such an unfamiliar expression on his face that Atsumu nearly laughed. “...W-What is it?”
Atsumu leaned forward and bopped their noses together, shuffling closer to Sakusa’s chest, an invitation for him to wrap his arms around the blond. “I think you forgot that I love you, too. Guess I’ll just need to prove it more often, don’t I?”
“No! I mean, yes, b-but... I already know you love me, I just- I- I’m the one who needs to prove that I love you,” Sakusa stammered, his eyes wide. He hesitantly cradled Atsumu to his chest, lacing his arms around his boyfriend’s muscled back.
“I know you love me too. You don’t have to show it. I can feel it in the way you look at me. That secret smile that you have just for me. Or do you show it to other people too?” Atsumu almost snickered at the way Sakusa shook his head frantically at his words. This is so unlike him. Flustered, nervous...... I like it. Only I get to see him like this. The world gets the grumpy Sakusa Kiyoomi, but this Sakusa Kiyoomi..... He’s all mine. “I want cuddles and affection, yes, but I know your not exactly comfortable with that. I’m satisfied with what you’re willing to give, Kiyoomi. So get that silly idea that I’m gonna leave you out of your head. I’m not going anywhere. I love you too, Omi-Omi. And I love you for trying to change yourself for me, but you don’t have to. You’re enough just the way you are.”
Sakusa felt the tension drain out of his body as his tense shoulders relaxed, letting out the breath he didn’t realise he had been holding. “That doesn’t mean that I can’t cuddle with you. I have a lot of making up to do.” He pressed his lips against Atsumu’s in a gentle kiss, squeezing him softly. “I’ll do my absolute best to make you happy, I promise.”
Atsumu smiled tenderly against his boyfriend’s mouth, rubbing their noses together. He curled closer to Sakusa’s chest, hitching a leg over his slim hip. “I already am.”