Chapter Text
Tick tock.. tick tock..
I kept looking at the grandfather's clock from time to time. Every second that passed, I couldn't shake off this anxious feeling and hoping that the person I am patiently waiting to come soon. Today's rendezvous point is in one of the abandoned boudoirs of the castle.
'He is 45 minutes late. I hope nothing bad happened,' I thought. 'Or maybe he got lost?
Slowly, I walked to the window and gazed at the starry night sky shining down upon me, trying to calm myself. Happy thoughts started to fill my mind as I reminisce the moments I shared with my personal knight who happens to be my secret lover.
❦❦❦
Killua Zoldyck. He was one of the best knights in the kingdom, always 100% committed to his job and proved himself many times in the battlefield.
Born into a middle-class family worshiped as national heroes, he and his siblings were trained by their father at a very young age. It is customary for the Zoldycks to enlist as a knight once they grow up.
When he turned 18, Killua joined the Rune Knights which was the primary attacking unit during the war. After they achieved one-sided victory, he earned a rank which enabled him to become the main protector and guardian of the Princess of the Kingdom of Quvell.
I remembered the very first time we met. As I was seated in the bench of our 400-year old medieval castle while admiring the landscape, the view of inflorescence of Periwinkles and some exquisite flowers lay between the luscious green grass never cease to amaze me that I forgot the presence of my father calling my name.
Never did I imagined that particular moment afterwards will change my life forever.
"My beloved daughter, as I have promised, I am assigning the best knight of our kingdom who will do a great job on protecting you," my father said as he presented to me the tall handsome man who has a silver hair and beautiful blue eyes just like Periwinkles.
"Pleased to meet you, my highness. I am Killua Zoldyck, and it is an honor and privilege to be of use to you Princess Y/N of Quvell," he spoke in a very respectable tone while he bowed his head and placed one hand behind his back and the other on the abdomen.
"P-pleasure's mine," I stuttered.
This strong, attractive creature intrigued me, igniting feelings I never know I possessed. There was something utterly mysterious I couldn't decipher that pulled me closer to him. I couldn't stop staring at his perfect figure.
The knight responded with an equally seductive grin as his blue eyes seemed to sparkle. My cheeks burned and stubbornly looked away, having been thoroughly embarrassed.
As we spend more time together, the more I learned about him. And the more I learned about him, the more I realized that I am falling in love.
Deep inside, I knew it is wrong but alas, the universe works in weird and strange ways. How could the universe pull you towards something so wrong yet feels so right?
I don't know much about love and I don't even know what was even going through his mind and heart but one thing is for sure, he has this unspoken desire to touch and feel me which is reflected clearly in his eyes.
One night as I was getting ready for bed wearing only my underwear and short night gown that reached down on my upper thigh, I heard a knock on the door that signaled a presence of someone. I slowly opened and covered my chest with my left hand trying to hide my cleavage.
Upon realizing who it was, my heart skipped a beat. It is the most unexpected person but at the same time, the one I want to see the most. Killua.
"Uhhmmm, can I come in?" he said silently while looking at the side, scratching the back of his head. I just nodded and let him enter, completely forgetting my lack of clothing.
"Is there any problem? How rare of you to come here at this hour," I inquired in a low voice.
He suddenly pushed me into the wall as his one hand leaned beside my head, which greatly puzzled me. "K-killua, what's wrong?"
"Princess Y/N, forgive me. What I'm about to do right now is against the code of the knighthood but I can't just suppress what I am feeling right now."
I was about to say something when he leaned closer and closer. His other hand stroked my waist... it is so warm, sensual and very tempting.
'What was going on?' I'm so confused. I definitely knew that what was occurring right now was far from right, but something inside me made it impossible to resist no matter how much I tried.
Despite my perplexed feelings, I couldn't help but gaze at his perfect face only to realize that the blue eyed knight's stare was intently focused on my lips.
Only mere inches left between us, I closed my eyes and angled my mouth to his. We both feel each other's hot breath and flaring up at the intensity.
Then, I felt his lips warm lips touched mine lightly. Neither of us have been kissed before, but it came so naturally.
Killua's lips were soft and sweet, so intoxicating. I returned the kiss as and raised my hand to touch his cheek. Slightly, I opened my mouth to allow him access and he began exploring every inch of it.
I totally lost control of my mind and every ounce of reason when he started to pull me closer to him, feeling his body heat.
As we parted for air, he then whispered,
"I love you, my princess Y/N. I tried my best to hide this feeling and move on but every time I see you, your smile, and remembering all the times we spent together... I fall in love even harder and find myself going back to square one," he paused while looking down sadly, feeling a little bit guilty.
"Killua, don't suppress it. Please let me feel your love because I do love you too, with all my heart," I finally confessed.
He was quiet for a second. It took some time for him to process what I just said. Nothing could describe the happiness he felt at that moment.
The silverette knight was not expecting that I reciprocated his feelings. He was only planning to confess and let all out the bottled feelings he have been keeping for so long so he can start moving on.
"You don't realize how happy I am right now, Y/N."
"Me too, I never imagined that you will like me back. You were always so stiff and formal whenever we talked. I almost thought you are a robot without any feelings, obeying every command," I replied jokingly.
"Baaaka!" he smugly retorted. "It's because I don't want you to know that... that... I s-secretly ..." he suddenly paused as his face grew different shades of red.
"Secretly what?"
"Nothing ..."
"Aha! You are secretly fantasizing me... I knew it!"
"Don't be so full of yourself just because you are a princess"
"Oh really? But you were the one who confessed first... Can't resist my beauty huh?" I find it amusing to tease Killua. He is so cute.
"C'mon, you were so brave and determined when you made the first move earlier.. what happened now?" I seductively teased again.
Killua gave up the argument and just let out a small chuckle. He then looked into my eyes again and put in a serious face.
"Y/N, I don't know where this relationship will take us but I promise you that I will love you and protect you with all of my heart." he continued, locking his gaze into mine.
".. but for the meantime, we have to keep this a secret between our families,"
"Of course.." I chuckled. "I don't want our love story to end tragically just like what I always read in the books,"
Oh, the irony. "We will get through this, somehow. In the right time,"
The question is when is the right time? Because now, it is wrong. This relationship is a mistake. We both knew I am engaged to the Prince of Gruthen Empire.
A highly respected Princess romantically involved with a mere knight? Purely scandalous. If we get caught, Killua will probably be beheaded and I would be disowned.
But none of this matters now, Killua and I love each other.
"Y/N, you are so beautiful..." I can feel my cheeks burning as my gaze went to his perfectly toned body and well defined arms. "You don't have any idea how much I wanted to touch you and make you mine... It feels like a dream come true."
My heart began to pound more furiously.
"Touch me. I am already yours."
I couldn't believe that I had just said that to him. I just wanted to get to close to him and I was trying not to sound needy or desperate but I think I am otherwise.
Killua blinked, and his face was blank until his lips morphed into a large smile. He brings my hand to his lips and kisses the back of it.
His small, light kisses crawl up slowly going to my arms, then collarbone until the base of my neck where he paused.
"Just when I thought I couldn't possibly love you more than I already do, you make my heart go crazy..." he murmured in my ears.
"At first, I have no absolutely no idea what I was feeling, but I was determined to find out. The more I learned, the stronger the feeling became. I didn't even knew how to possibly love such perfection without screwing up... you're such a miracle in my life,"
I let my hands rest against the strength of his chest, so totally turned on by that charming explanation.
"Killua, our souls were designed for each other.. Out of everybody in the world, we found each other. What are the chances for that? There's nothing coincidental about this - all of it leads us right here,"
He did not bothered replying with words. He started kissing me passionately not wasting any second. All this love talk must have really got him going.
His hand started to wander from my upper torso going down to waist as I worked up mine at the middle of his back, clenching his shirt.
I began to breathe heavily and my hands started to shake. If this went any further, I wouldn't have the will to stop whatever might happen... what I want to happen.
I know I wanted something to happen but I wasn't sure if it should be now.
My desire, my lust for him continued to build. I wanted him to ravish me. My skin tingled as he starts touching my inner thighs.
I let out a soft moan, completely lost in this moment which made his intimacy level shot off the roof. I broke off the kiss as we both gasped for air.
"I like that," I whispered to his ears. "...when you touch me,"
He lifted me up quickly, cradling me in his strong arms and slowly made our way to the couch nearby.
Adrenaline started pumping into my system. What if someone was awake? What if someone was watching Killua carry me in a nightdress? What would they think?
I looked at him ignoring all the negative thoughts clouding my mind as his face is so close to mine, and can feel the warmth of his body while he carried me. Mischief apparently evident on his face - a dream about to be fulfilled.
He carried me to the couch where he sat down with me on the top. I almost jumped out of my skin. I was sitting on the top of the man whom I adore so much.
Killua slid his one hand at the side of my neck as he pulled me closer for another kiss, then he cupped my cheeks gently with the other.
I felt his soft tongue touch mine as the kiss deepened. The hotness of his breath was stimulating and the intensity of the kiss was leading us down a path of pure hot desire.
His hands wandered everywhere, rubbing my back gently then his fingers would combed through my hair.
He leaned back on the couch, with me still sitting on his lap. He began to cup my mounds as he slowly slid his hands under my thin night gown. The silverette knight stopped for a moment and asked me if I was okay with this.
I wasn't sure myself but I knew I didn't want to stop. His touch was breaking me down, revealing how vulnerable I am.
I wanted to pull myself out but why would I? It is where I wanted to be, locked in his arms... melting in the heat radiated by his powerful body... delirious from his impeccable kiss.
"It's okay." I replied breathing heavily. "As from what I told you earlier, I'm all yours,"
I couldn't stop shaking. I still couldn't believe this is happening to us. It happened so fast - so unreal.
It was just not my body that I was letting him have, it was my heart.
That night was unforgettable, the night we became one. Something that will be etched in my mind and heart forever.
....
Months after, our relationship blossomed further despite not being the normal couple. Secret talks in the garden and random part of the castle, nightly meetings in the balcony and secret kisses in an abandoned room are our kind of date.
Sometimes, when I am out traveling and doing some Princess duties, Killua would casually hold my hand carefully without letting other people see.
Everything feels so right when I'm with him. Believe it or not, we are both thrilled about this entire ordeal. This is one hell of ride and we both hope in the end, it will be worth it.
During one occasion, my beloved knight has been assigned on a difficult mission that took several months. I kept myself busy to distract myself from the intense loneliness I felt.
When I heard that he came back, I immediately went to the rendezvous point we promised to meet again before he left.
I climbed up the narrow stairs leading to the balcony - My eyes widened in recognition at the familiar face standing in front of me.
"Killua, I missed you so much!" I shouted in happiness as I run towards him. "I was so worried about you.. don't leave me again," tears starts to swell in the corner of my eyes.
My heart suddenly leaped with joy as he grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him in a tight hug, making me feel that he is okay and everything's alright.
"My princess, I missed you too... and I won't never ever leave you anymore"
I meant to hug him back tightly but somehow my head moved on its own accord and found myself kissing him. Kissing Killua Zoldyck... all of my frustrations, heartaches and worries were poured into that kiss and it felt so damn good.
After that dramatic reunion, he gently placed his hand on the side of my face seemingly staring into my eyes as if he was looking for something.
"Y/N... let's run away from here" he suggested. Killua knew that if he wanted to spend his days with Y/N, they had to make plans.
I stiffened with his sudden idea. "Run away?"
He nodded. "Yes. You and me. Let's go somewhere where people doesn't know us. Somewhere we can live our lives together as an accepted couple,"
I blushed at his words and couldn't help feeling warm inside. A smile crept on my face as I thought of me and Killua spending our lives together.
"And let's be honest Princess, you should have known that these meetings can't last forever," he continues seriously.
But then, the sad truth hit me. "We're only 18, and I don't know how to blend in the real world and.. and.. I don't know any house hold chores... I don't know how to earn for a living. I-i.. you might hate me.. and.. and-"
He placed his index finger on my mouth to silence me, trying to wash my worries away.
"Ssssh.. don't worry. We will survive.. I think you'd be fine in the real world and besides... I really want to spend the rest of my life with you."
I couldn't hold his intense gaze and looked away, embarrassed. "Me too..."
"Let's go to Yorkshin City. I am 50% sure that no one will recognize us there. We can start a new life."
"Wait, why 50% only? Am I really that popular?" I raised my brow.
"Well, if you can change your looks for a bit and your identity, it could get to 80%" he smiled as I felt him playing with the strands of my hair.
"What about your family? You trained all your life to become a highest ranking knight... you're just going to give up now?"
"Are you seriously asking me that question Princess? Or that question should be intended for yourself?" before I can answer, he leaned closed and place a soft peck on my forehead.
"I really wanted things to work out with my family," he continued. "I want to tell them about our relationship but I am certain that my mother and my brother Illumi are against about it. They are loyal to your father and serving this kingdom..."
"...well, some things in life just don't work out.. I'm glad that you and I are going to work out,"
I could almost feel the tears in my eyes. Killua leaned over again and gently our lips met. Passion blossomed between us. His kisses were now urgent and hard so I responded with as just much fervor.
"I love you, Kil.. and yes, let's run away.." I whispered between kisses.
❦❦❦
I snapped back into reality as I heard the door swing open with creaking sounds. I held my breath for a moment and then smiled and sighed with relief as I saw Killua who's already leaning against the wall opposite of me.
"You're so late..." I started while I give him my sternest look propping my hands on my hips. "Did something happened?"
"Illumi happened, sorry." the silverette replied monotonously avoiding my gaze.
I could see his eyes were swollen. Did he cried? Did Illumi hit him?
"Tell me love" I asked worriedly. "I am here to listen..."
"It is nothing important." Killua retorted back and his body tensed.
"Are you sure?" I whispered, intertwining his hands with mine as I brought them up to my chest.
"He went away. Don't worry anymore..." the silverette knight tried to reassure me. "Let's not dwell on it and forget about him."
"Okay.. if you say so.. By the way, all my preparations are complete" I announced excitedly, trying to change the topic and shake off the awkwardness.
"I only packed 1 bag. Brought with me a few dresses, some important papers and a little bit of cash. We can buy some essential stuff along the way.. and where's your bag? Did you left it? You know we don't have the time to go back... it's very risky since-"
A/N: For extra feels, you may choose to play the audio
Killua leaned forward and silenced me with his lips. I tried to pull back to continue but he just held the back of my neck and pressed his lips harder against mine.
The kiss, though chaste was painfully poignant.. he deepened the kiss but slowly and tenderly, with each movement telling as if he's saying goodbye.
He suddenly broke away from the kiss then buried his face at the crook of my neck. I really wanted to ask what was his problem but decided not to... I just kept quiet and wrapped my arms around his back, locking in an embrace.
The mood between us was tensed. I didn't like how nervous I am getting as the seconds kept ticking. It is already 2:30 in the morning and we only have 30 minutes left if we want to escape the castle successfully and bypass the knights guarding outside.
"Y/N..." he finally started speaking up while he stood straight in front of me and his eyes never leaving my face.
"I am so sorry... I-I can't do this anymore. We cannot be together... I can't run away with you."
I felt so betrayed... it was so painful.
What about those kisses, whispers of sweet nothings, our plan of starting over and spending the rest of our lives together, was it all a sham?
I began to feel my whole world crashing down on me.
"Don't do this to me Killua... please... don't..." I begged him as sobs emerged from my throat and smacked his hard chest with the bottom of my clenched fist which I knew it didn't bother him at all.
But I know he didn't mean anything he said since he himself is shaking uncontrollably. I can't bear to look at him and see the pain in his eyes.
Something must have happened and I want to know the reason why he decided to do this to me.
I tried speaking but only ridiculous sob came out of my mouth.
"Y/N, I love you.. so much.. I always will no matter what happens.. My heart will beat for you as long as I live." I stayed silent. How can he say such sweet words yet his actions are contradicting?
"But I lately realized, we are not meant to be together... if you stay with me, I am afraid I cannot give you a good life you deserve. We will always be hiding, going from one place to another.. If we are going to have a family, what kind of life will I give to our children? We cannot hide forever. We have to wake up and convince ourselves that this isn't a fairy tale and love is not always about being together... it's about sacrificing and giving what's the best for both us..."
Reality hit like a speeding bullet that slashed through me. Ah he is right.
"Is there anything I can do to change your mind? To make this work? To not give up on us?"
Normally, silence means yes but on this particular moment, his lack of voice meant that he already gave up with this relationship.
I started running my fingers through his chocolate scented hair and admitted defeat. "I wish I can go back in time and warn myself that you'd go and break my heart."
"As for me, I'd rather not to. The time I spent with you are the happiest moments of my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything."
"But this is too painful for me to handle. It's ripping me apart,"
"Y/N, please know that I'm doing this to keep you safe,"
"Safe? Safe from what? You are my personal knight right? You vowed to protect me with all your life. Is that a lie as well?" I shouted angrily, not fully accepting his explanation. Or probably I'm still in denial and can't accept the fact that he's breaking up with me.
He went silent again.
The silverette knight had been into numerous battles and wars, countless scars has been imprinted on different parts of his body.. but he never thought that this unseen wound in his heart would be the most painful of all.
"I'm really sorry, Y/N. I love you. But give this Prince Marco of Gruthen a chance. After all, you're going to be married with him for the rest of your life. He will make you happy more than me... for I'm just a mere knight,"
Fears starts to cloud my mind. I don't know this man at all.
"But it's you who I love. I don't care if he's handsome nor care about his riches! I don't care even if he's a prince," I squeezed my eyes shut trying to unshed tears away. "I only care about you, Kil,"
"Everything will be alright Princess Y/N," he reassured taking my chin and guiding my tear stained face up to meet his. "Trust me, you will be happy,"
"I trust you but I don't believe that..."
Killua didn't start to cry until the final hug. We both knew it was coming but it did like an approaching thunderstorm.
My beloved knight held me as I started sobbing in his arms again. I looked up and saw his tears falling... I slowly wiped them with my thumb.
"Baka.. if you're going to leave me, at least give me a smile in the end... I want to remember your smiling face, not your tear stained face,"
And then he is kissing me, rough and wild... this might be the last kiss we are going to share. I kissed him back the same way - lips open, heart open, every part of me is reaching out to every part of him and then we returned to the hug.
Neither of us wanted to let go but we both knew that we must. We held each other for another seconds, seconds turned into minute and the minute was followed by another minute.
I couldn't let go because the moment I did, it would be the last time I would touch him.
He was the man I loved above all other humans in the planet but he let me go. Why? For what purpose that we need to meet only to get separated? I hope I get my answer soon.. Until then, I'll embrace all this pain till it hurts no more.
❦❦❦
Killua realized that there was another flood of tears that she was trying to hold back until he left.
The broken-hearted knight opened the door and left without looking back. That was a hard thing to do, but he couldn't look at her again. He just walked down the stairs with tears still flowing down his cheeks.
"Good job, Kil... You did it sooner than expected," Killua tensed as he suddenly heard his big brother's deep voice.
He immediately wiped his tears. He looked around and saw him leaning in the wall near the bottom of the stairs.
"You have to keep your promise, Aniki. Stop torturing Alluka and let her go," he growled back as his eyes darkening in anger and letting out a bloodlust. "And you are not to touch Y/N,"
"But of course... A promise is a promise after all,"
Killua walked away as he clutched his chest tightly, disappearing into oblivion.
I'm so sorry Y/N. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you like this. I love you.