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I wanted to kill her. That was nothing new, she ruined my fucking life, preyed on me when I was at my most vulnerable and then continued to manipulate me, try to kill my friends, and ultimately cause a siege that took many lives and could have taken more. I almost killed her. I’ve felt that before. That’s not new, every time I have to speak to her I feel like I could fly off the fucking handle and just kill her already so I don’t have to see or think about her anymore. But I was going to kill her. If Boomer hadn’t walked in I would have cut her throat, it was all I was thinking about, I wanted to see her bleed and die. It would have made me happy to see her die.
Was I always like this? Was I always this angry, was I always capable of killing someone like this with those feelings just bubbling underneath the surface. If Bea could see me now, would she be disappointed in me? Would she hate me? I’ve changed into such a different person since she died, since Kaz died, since the siege. I’ve killed now, a few years ago I’d never have thought I’d be capable of shooting a man dead. But Brody was threatening the lives of everyone in the prison. Marie was unarmed and alone, there was no way she could have defended herself. I don’t like this version of myself, and it hurts me to my core that this is what I’ve become.
I want to pull all my hair out, to scratch my skin until it bleeds, to break things and to hurt myself. If I’d have died instead of Bea, instead of Kaz. I’d never have become this person capable of killing someone who can’t even defend herself if I weren’t here. If I had killed Marie, when would it have stopped? Everything hurts and it feels like there’s a pressure in the core of my stomach that’s destroying me from the inside out. I will never forget how Marie hurt me. I will never forget how she tried to convince me that what was happening was okay, or how she used me and put me in danger for her own profit. But this isn’t who I want to be. I don’t want to be this angry all the time because that’s what’s destroying me. I want to be in control, and I don’t ever want to be happy at the thought of watching someone die. I hope that if I get myself under control now, if I can handle my anger without flying off the handle like this, that Bea would forgive me. That Kaz wouldn’t be disappointed in me. That I won’t be disappointed in myself.