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Hey Ingrid,
You know much about Amaterasu?
Yeah, you don’t, but it was a rhetorical question that’s a good lead on into the topic, but I guess by writing this I’m destroying all the attempted subtlety and the beauty of the rhetorical question, and okay, so I’m rambling, but can you blame me? I’m in a rush here, I’ve gotta help your brother with his homework in like five minutes and I’m writing this while sitting in your garden, trying to hovel horse shit out of the stable in the middle of SUMMER. So, yeah, if this letter smells like horse shit and sweat and tears, that’s why.
But! Ingrid!
You don’t know Amaterasu. But I need you to know about her, because she’s really cool and I’d think you’d really like her. So, here’s the deal. She’s a deity in Japanese mythology, the Sun Goddess, and the one people think of when ‘Shinto’ is mentioned (or, at least that’s what the Japanese exchange student told me, and he’s really nice, by the way!). She’s also the daughter of Izanagi (dad of the pantheon) and Izanami (mom of the pantheon). And hoo boy. If I had time, Ingrid, I would tell you about these two because hoo boy. Ingrid, it’s a bit fucked up what happens with these two, but I don’t have time because I’m here to talk about Ama (shorthand I don’t have time) but the basics? Izanami dies, Izanagi goes to get her, but she’s dead so she’s gross looking, so he gets freaked out, and runs the heck out of hell, cleanses himself and from his eye, Ama-T is born. Yeah. It’s a long story.
But anyway, Ingrid, can I tell you about her most famous legend? The reason why I’m writing this letter in the first place? The answer is yes, so let’s go go go! And don’t close the letter now, I know you’re reaching your limit, but keep reading.
Because, get this, Ingrid. It starts with a BANQUET! Yeah, that’s right, a banquet. And there’s so much food, so much of it, because it’s being hosted by the goddess of food, Ukemochi. But, you know, she’s the goddess of food, so she gets a bit overly enthusiastic this reminds me of someone. She wants this to be the best banquet EVER, you know, so she’s going to prepare so much nice food and it’s going to be great! Her method, though, is a bit unorthodox because remember, she’s kind of a goddess. So, yeah. She doesn’t really use mortal methods. So...what does she do? Well. Well you see I’m going to have to be really quick about this because it’s honestly really gross, Ingrid:
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She discharges food out her mouth (yeah...she’s vomiting), her nose (so snot, yuck) and what’s another hole you can think of? Yeah. The rectum. She shits out the food from her ass. Ew. But hey! She’s THE goddess of food, so it’s probably like some ancient sushi or some shit (literally, some shit, Ingrid, but the good shit!), and probably is actually quite palatable! But it still came out of her rectum. So. So I’d say it’d be pretty reasonable to be pretty grossed out about it, yeah?
But you know what’s not reasonable, though? Killing her. YEAH! She was killed because of this! Man, dude, what the hell, bro? She was just trying to be polite , damn it. She just wanted to make food for her friends! From her RECTUM, sure, but who knows! Maybe it’s a cultural difference! Maybe she’s not from your neck of the woods! Ever considered that, murderer? Oh, right, yeah, the murderer. Who’s the murderer, you may be wondering?
Well, let me introduce to you good old Tsukuyomi! Tsukuyomi, god of the moon, Ama’s (I swear this letter is about her, I swear) brother and lover. Yeah. Incest is really common in mythology. I guess you can’t blame them, though, cause all the gods are pretty much related. Speaking of which but not really because I’m getting off topic, the Habsburg Jaw! Look it up.
Anyway, getting back to the point (and for context Tsukuyomi was there as Ama’s representative because she’s at a nail salon appointment or something) Tsukuyomi just kills her because he’s so grossed out. Which, wow, I get it man! I really do! Still, did you have to KILL her? Personally, I’d be equal parts grossed out and curious — cause divine shit, man! It’s divine! Could’ve tasted real fine! Give it a try, don’t be a fussy eater! So, yeah, the conclusion? Tsukuyomi’s a dick. A dick who kinda reminds me of a dick we both know, but at least OUR dick hasn’t actually killed anyone. Yet.
Yet.
So. Tsukuyomi? Dick. Ukemochi? Dead. Amaterasu? Devastated. And also extremely pissed off. Rightfully so! Her dick of a brother/lover just killed her friend at a banquet! In front of everyone! Such a party pooper. So, she exiles and divorces him because tsk, tsk, but this isn’t the end to it, unfortunately, because there are consequences to trauma.
Her friend died. Her friend was murdered by someone she trusted. She’s mourning. She’s grieving. She’s alone. So, what does Ama dear do? She finds a ca
Oh fuck Ingrid.
I just came back from helping your brother and I looked a few things up and.
I’m really dumb.
We both know this, I know, but wow, do I feel like a real dumbass right now.
I MIXED UP THE MYTHS!
Oh goooood. I’m so stupid, I should’ve fact-checked, but I didn’t cause I didn’t have the time, oh my god. I really need to improve my knowledge on Asian mythology. I can recount Greco-Roman myths off the top of my head, no problem, but oh gooooood. Fuck!
Okay, so here’s where I messed up. Amaterasu didn’t go into a damned cave because of her dick of a brother killed her friend. No, she went into hiding because her OTHER dick of a brother killed a HORSE. Yeah. She has ANOTHER dick of a brother. Poor girl. Reminds me of someone. Look, I’m so stupid Ingrid, I’m really dumb, we both know this, but this is getting way too long and I need to finish this god damn letter before dinner, so here:
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Susanoo is Ama’s brother and the god of the seas and storms. He’s a pissy wildchild. So yeah, basically kind of like Felix again.
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Pissed Ama off with a whole load of bullshit, but the final straw was when he flayed her heavenly horse. That’s not a euphemism, by the way. It’s literal. I know. Asshole. What’d horses ever do to you?!
Now, Ama, absolutely sick of this other dick of a brother, finds a nice little cave and decides: ‘I hate society. I will exist here now.’ Which, I totally get, but uh-oh. Uh-oooh. Here’s the thing: she’s the Sun. And without the Sun, the world is shrouded in darkness, and the rice won’t grow. The rice, Ingrid. Just imagine: a world without rice. You and Felix both would both cease to exist.
So. The other gods hold an emergency meeting:
“What the hell do we do, guys?” says Random god 1. “Without the sun, we won’t have rice!”
Random god 2 replies, “Yeah, we’re kinda doomed! The rice, man! The rice!”
“Man, why did Susanoo have to do that? What did horses ever do to him?” says Random god 3, as he sobs. “Oh god, the poor horse. Why did he have to…? Ugh, fuck that guy.”
Random god 1 rejoins. “Yeah!”
“YEAH!” yells Random god 2, pumping his fists. “YEAH, FUCK THAT—”
“—Yes, yes, fuck Susanoo, we all hate him, but let’s get back on track,” says Omohikane, the wise guy (literally: god of wisdom and all that). “Now, I have a plan, so listen up.”
His brilliant plan?
CHICKENS!!!
Or rather, cocks (as in male chickens, god, Ingrid, get your mind out of the gutter) and a whole bunch of other things. But the chickens are important. It’s the first part of the plan. So, basically, they place the chickens outside the cave, because maybe then maybe Ama would think that morning has come and wake the hell up. And when she hears the cocks caw, she’s like:
“Chickens…?” she mumbles, wiping her eye boogers. “Ah. Chickens.”
And it actually works! She wakes up! Phew, good, but that’s just part one of Plan A. We’ve got more in store. Next phase: the gods gather this jewelry called ‘magatama’ (which is the colour of your eyes) and hang it up on a large tree. That, and seafoam white robes, as well as a gleaming mirror, set to the missing Sun’s direction.
With that, the mise-en-scene is complete.
Operation: Get the Sun Back.
COMMENCE!
So, the goddess of dawn and good times and an absolute icon, Amenouzume, does a strip-tease outside the cave. Yep. I’m not joking. She literally does a strip tease (she’s me. She’s my spirit animal). Look it up if you’re in doubt! Anyway, the gods find this absolutely hilarious, (which is kinda rude, come on, appreciate the view, guys) and just crack up in laughter — enough so that it triggers Amaterasu’s FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) that she opens the blocked entrance by just a smidge.
And Ingrid?
That smidge was just enough.
For you see, Ama dear here is really pretty. Like, woah, drop-dead gorgeous, and kinda obsessed with that fact. But hey, why wouldn’t she be? She’s the Sun.
The Sun, which is life. The Sun, which is creation. The Sun, which is beauty. It invigorates, rejuvenates and stimulates. It is the Mandate of Life. So, yeah, when she sees her reflection in the mirror, just like Narcissus, she’s like:
“Damn, girl, look at yourself, you look fiiiine as— ahh! What!?” Amaterasu screams, as the burly arms of Ameno Tajikarao (god of power/sports...Dimitri?) YANKS her back outside! “Let me go, you oaf!”
Nope! Not happening! Then! Then, Ingrid, Tuto-Tamu (some rando god I dunno) holds a pole of plaited straw behind Amaterasu to like, compliment her eyes or something, but okay not really, it was more:
“Behold! Our goddess! Our sun! She can no longer hide, and yet again, the world bathes in her radiant sunlight.”
The Sun has returned. And the oceans will yet again sparkle under her light, the sunflowers will yet again point to her direction and the people can finally eat their rice again. Thank god(dess).
So yeah. That’s the story, morning glory.
But you no doubt must be wondering: Why did I tell you all of this? What’s the point of this messy, convoluted letter? Well, Ingrid, here’s the thing.
If Felix is one of the dick brothers, and if Dimitri's the god of power, and if I’m the stripper, then who do you suppose is the goddess of the sun?
It’s you, Ingrid.
You’re not the goddess of food. You’re the Sun.
You’re the Sun who invigorates, rejuvenates and stimulates.
You’re the Sun who is the foundation, the basis, the substratum of the universe.
You’re the Sun, and the other gods miss you.
And so does Sully. She’s neighing right now, and man, it’s heart-breaking to hear because she sounds so sad. And I know that you’re sad, too, Ingrid. I really do. I know how sad you must be. I know how much pain you must be in. I know how much you must be grieving.
I know.
But please.
Come out of your cave, Ingrid.
Because if you don’t come out, then I’ll be forced to do a strip-tease. I mean, I’m ready, I’m prepared, I’m cool with it, but do YOU really want to witness that?
I know you don’t. So, I’ll be waiting.
From your friend,
Sylvain
P.S
Susanoo later returned to give Amaterasu one of the three regalia of Japanese mythology: a sword. But I highly doubt you want that, so I ordered three supreme cheese pizzas from Dominos. With extra cheese. With extra salami. With extra EVERYTHING. So unlock your door in like an hour’s time. See you soon, Ingrid.
P.P.S
So I just received a death threat from a girl I was kinda-but-not-really-seeing.
Help.