Work Text:
"Tsukasa?"
Hopeless.
It all just felt rather hopeless. Something was wrong with Tsukasa; his twin had been silent and dodgy for the last week, eyes unfamiliar on the off chance they met.
The bullying had gotten worse too. They'd corner him in the afternoon, before classes, in the quiet stairwell on lunch break. Tsuchigomori-sensei wanted to know who it was.
How was Amane supposed to tell him it happened at home too? That the only reason the cuts and bruises weren't mirrored on his little brother was because Amane took the fall for everything.
His hand flies out for something, anything as he sobs hysterically and backpedals away from the monster wearing Tsukasa’s face.
His house key was missing, more concerning was the fact it was connected to the rocket keychain Tsukasa had given him, and he didn't like to be apart from it.
He scrubbed at his eyes, remembering the girl's soft touch on his hand. She'd come through the door of his classroom quietly before jumping like a whirlwind. Starlight hair tipped in teal bounced around her, lace and taffeta fluttered as she giggled and cheered.
Her face, when she saw him though, like every bit of her heart broke when she saw his cuts and bruises, would haunt him. Why would she look so sad about someone she didn't know.
Something itched at the back of his memory. The taste of candy apples and the warm press of a kiss on his forehead. Amane stopped dead in his tracks.
It couldn't be her. Not the pretty onee-san who had given him all her wishing slips and told him he could be an astronaut. She hadn't aged a day.
Maybe she was still there. He could go back. Ask if she had seen his keychain. Ask if she was the girl from back then.
The shadows rose up around him, and he knew he wouldn't be going anywhere.
The sweep of his arm knocks something from the counter and he scrambles for it as claws hook into his ankle and drag him back.
Amane was tired.
Another sleepless night. Another day of his twin hiding. Another set of hands hurting. He couldn't do this anymore.
He slid his hand into his pocket, and let his fingertips touch the little memento tucked there. As much as it meant to him and Tsukasa, if he still cared about it, it had to go.
Why keep something that made him think of stars, and freedom, and adventure when he was never going to go anywhere? He wished he could find the girl again; she'd take care of it. But maybe Tsuchigomori-sensei would be an okay alternative.
Whatever this thing is, it isn't his brother. Tsu's smile didn't split his mouth like a bloody curve. His eyes were amber, not pitch.
Amane ran his finger over the handle of the knife. It was too good to be in their home ec class, their teacher had even said so. But her brother-in-law was a chef and had given her all his old knives, and what better use than to teach kids to cook.
He spun the blade in his hand, watching as the light glinted off the metal. It was sharp, had sliced through the apple he was peeling without a whisper.
Would it be as silent if he pressed it to the fragile skin in the curve of his elbow and dragged it to his wrist? Would they be able to wash the blood that bubbled up from the wound, warm and red like sunset light, from the shining silver of the edge?
He sat the knife on the corner of the counter and pushed the apple into the garbage, gathering up his bag. No one even noticed as he slipped out the door.
"Oh gods, no...Tsu, please. Please, Tsu...answer me!"
He dropped the moon rock into Tsuchigomori-sensei's hand with a smile, hoping it appeared more genuine than it felt. This was all just going through the motions. One final goodbye.
He wished he could see her again. Tell her sorry he wasted those wishing slips. That they were useless for him. Like he was.
The moon was bright in the sky as he stood framed in the wide window. He could jump. Maybe he'd get the feeling of weightlessness before gravity dragged him back to earth and he was spilled across the concrete.
Amane slapped Tsuchigomori-sensei's hands away. There was no point in caring for him. It was all false promises anyways. He deserved it. He forgave it. It would all be over after tonight anyway.
The handle of the blade is like ice in his fingers as he hurls himself down the hallway away from the monster. It's not his brother. He knows his brother. Tsukasa would never hurt him.
The home ec room is silent, bathed in the moonglow. Amane had left his shoes in his locker, left his bag on his desk. He wouldn't need them after this. The note he'd left would get Tsukasa far away. Hopefully.
He only prayed that his baby brother would forgive him for this moment of weakness.
It's warm in the room. July is always too warm in the building. The bathrooms on the third floor were sweltering, and Tsuchigomori-sensei's class was only bearable because the man left the windows open.
He shuffled across the room, running his fingers over the countertops and someone's discarded notebook.
He wonders if death is quiet like this, if space is quiet like this. If so, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it would be just like falling asleep.
"A~ma~ne~"
Tsukasa curls into his side as he dabs at the cuts on his arms with a washcloth. He tucks his face into Amane's neck after a minute, which makes cleaning up the blood a bit difficult, but he will never deny Tsu comfort.
Especially not when things like this occur.
They don't speak, they don't have to. He knows Tsukasa wishes this didn't happen, but the alternative is too much for Amane to consider. To see his little brother broken and bleeding would kill him.
He wonders if anyone hears him scream as the knife comes down.
Tanabata was the best time of year, in both his and Tsukasa’s opinions. Candied apples, fireworks, and katanuki for hours. He had left his brother at the table a while ago, intent as he was on getting everything just right.
Amane knew they'd have to rearrange their little windowsill to make room for the new designs Tsukasa would bring home. Their moon rock would always sit in the center though, no matter how many trinkets they found.
He was not expecting the pretty girl who must be in high school to land at his feet. Her ankles were all swollen, and her boyfriend ditched her.
If Amane was a few years older, he'd treat her better. She's just his type.
The laughter that echoes in the classroom is high and dark, and even though it's coming out of Tsukasa’s mouth, it's not his brother. It isn't. It can't be.
Amane let his head fall against his knees and cried. Cried for himself, and his brother. For Tsukasa being sick again. For the new bruises on Amane’s too thin arms. For the broken telescope he'd saved up weeks of allowance for.
They were supposed to go out tomorrow night, to the hill behind the little graveyard at the end of the road. It was going to be clear, a perfect night to stargaze. There was even going to be a meteor shower.
Amane had the date circled on the calendar for weeks, double-checked the optimal times, religiously checked every weather report.
He wasn't expecting the shattered glass, or Tsukasa's wide horrified eyes as he was snatched from the room. The only thing he was grateful for was the door closing on Tsu's trembling mouth before the first fist connected with his cheek.
At least it was him, and not Tsu.
"I'm Sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! Don't leave me alone. I didn't mean it! I made a mistake!"
The blade slides from one twin to the other. From a gaping hole of splattered crimson to a swatch of pale skin.
"Wait for me, Tsu."
"Amane!"
Tsukasa landed on his shoulders, and they both staggered several giggling paces before they collapsed in the grass. Tsu flopped over him, squishing his cheeks so his mouth puckered.
"Nii-chan is a fish!"
Amane shoved his hands away with a laugh, pinching the chubby cheeks that mirrored his own.
"Otōto is a frog!"
Tsukasa squealed, jumping to smush their cheeks together as warm spring sunlight filtered through the trees. They'd be starting middle school soon, and had both, luckily, been accepted at Kamome Academy.
Tsukasa somersaulted over him so their heads were side by side, staring up at the maple tree they'd both gotten stuck in two summers ago.
"Promise we'll always be like this, Amane? That we'll always be together."
He turned his head, finding the bright eyes that matched his. They looked worried, and Amane had no idea why. He curled his fingers in his brother's hair and set their foreheads together.
"I promise, Tsukasa. We'll always have one another. Forever and ever."
Too sharp nails rake down his arm even as he kicks out to get away. His head hits the floor with a crack, vision going blurry before hands curl around his throat.
They're twins, identical in all ways, but Tsukasa seemed smaller somehow. His personality more than made up for it, as he ran, and jumped and tumbled across the field. Amane hurried behind him with their backpack.
They were going bug hunting today. Obaasan had pushed sun hats over their choppy dark hair, (choppy because Tsu had decided last night that they needed haircuts) and told them to be back before sundown.
Amane scooped up Tsu's hat, jogging to his little brother before crouching down beside him. Their birthday was tomorrow, and obaasan had promised they could stay up late with ojiisan and the telescope since they would be four.
They were both excited since it was much clearer here in the countryside than their cramped little apartment. The moon had been so bright last night, and ojiisan had let them walk to the little stream without a lantern because everything seemed to glow.
Amane dropped the hat over Tsu's face, and his brother wiggled like a worm which made them both laugh. He dragged him back up, dusting grass and dandelion fuzz off his shirt before adjusting the hat.
Obaasan said Amane had to look out for Tsu. Because that's what big siblings did. They took care of their little ones.
Tsu curled his palm around Amane's and they both took off with a laugh for the tree line and the call of cicadas.
He can't tell if it's his voice or the creature possessing Tsukasa who is saying all the cruel things that Amane tries to ignore, words that seep like poison and curl their vicious claws into all his happy memories.
Tsukasa unwraps their first shared gift since Amane had gotten the honor last year. It's a set of matching outfits, kinda like what they wear at the temple when they go to make offerings.
The hakama for one set was dark purple and the other dark red. Amane reached for the red as Tsu buried his fingers in the purple one and lifted it from the box. They're too big, Amane could already tell, both twins too skinny even at ten.
They said their thank-yous, put the clothes away and dived for another gift.
Panic makes Amane dumb as he collides with the doorframe of his homeroom class, nearly driving the stolen knife into his abdomen as he looks for a place to hide, even though he knows it's too late.
Amane broke his arm on the first day of his first year in elementary school. One of the kids shoved him off the jungle gym, and he hit the ground with his arms outstretched. He woke to Tsu screaming, and only realized how much pain he was actually in when he tried to comfort his brother.
They put it in a cast, which Tsu drew all over. There were monsters and kittens, stars and moons, and their names written side by side. The doctor, a kind man by the name of Yashiro-san, cuts it carefully in the empty spaces once it's ready to come off so Amane can keep it.
They tuck it in the treasure box hidden under the dresser, and it stays there for as long as they both live.
His heartbeat drowns out all other sound, if there is any, with the way it thunders in his ears. His senses click into place slowly but surely to a horrifying reality.
Amane dug his nails into his thighs, and once the sharp torn edges nearly broke through, he raked them across the pale skin. He did it again and again until the raised lines were flecked with blood and jagged wounds were left behind.
Then he dipped his head and cried. He cried as he dragged an alcohol-soaked cotton ball over the cuts, hissing as it burned. Cried as he covered the still bleeding areas with a bandage and shoved everything to the bottom of the garbage can before he tugged on his pajamas and brushed his teeth.
There was a bruise on his cheek, and markings on his wrists, and cuts on his arms; but the only thing he could feel were the ones he'd done himself. He was alive. He could feel. He was real.
He doesn't want to die but he doesn't want to exist anymore.
He slid into bed and steeled himself from flinching as Tsukasa crawled in with him, sharp knees colliding with his thigh as his brother curled into his side.
He folded himself over Tsukasa, tucking him to his chest as thin arms clutched at the back of his shirt. It was his job to protect Tsukasa. No matter what. He'd die before he let anything harm his little brother.
The heavy scent of copper and fear linger in the air as Amane takes a hiccuping breath and tries not to scream.
Amane reached out and ruffled his brother's hair, knocking the fallen petals loose as Tsukasa smiled. They were middle school students now.
Tsukasa’s eyes are big and full of tears as Amane sobs over him, babbling apologies and begging him to be okay.
They leaped off the end of the dock into the cold water, and Amane wasn't ready as his brother broke the surface and shoved him back under with a laugh. He grabbed Tsu's ankle and tugged him under.
Bile rises in the back of his throat, burning as he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. The taste of metal and sick floods his mouth and he gags.
Tsukasa leaned into his side as the monster movie played. They weren't supposed to be watching it, but ojiisan was pretending they were watching cartoons. Amane already knew they'd both be huddled under the same blanket for bed tonight.
The knife slides between Tsukasa’s ribs easier than he was expecting, sinking into his narrow chest until the back of Amane’s fingers hit the unmoving cage that contains his brother's heart and are soaked in warm, clinging crimson .
The sky was bright and clear tonight, the milky way arching overhead in a brilliant display. He and Tsukasa spent hours tracing out constellations and trying to catch a glimpse of shooting stars.
Amane pointed out the twin star, Antares, while Tsukasa hunted for the twin stars in the handle of the big dipper, Mizar and Alcor.
They decided, as they skirted around the graveyard on their way back home, that they were twin stars too.
Amane draws the knife from Tsukasa’s chest, sobbing as his baby brother gasps beneath him. He pulls Tsu into his arms, uncaring about the blood seeping into the front of his uniform. It won't matter.
"Amane...love you."
Blood spills from Tsukasa’s mouth as he speaks and Amane runs his thumb beneath one hazy eye as tears fall down both their cheeks.
"I love you too, Tsu."
"Tsu-kun, what are you going to do when your brother gets married? You won't be with him forever. "
Amane looked up from his book at their obaasan's sudden question. Tsukasa fingers froze where they had been running through Amane's hair, and his brow furrowed.
"Amane and I will always be together. We're twins. I'll just have to find a wife for Amane who will be my best friend too."
Obaasan laughed as Amane wrestled his brother to the floor, both stilling in the heap of limbs they made as ojiisan piped up from the porch.
"Don't forget your own bride, Tsu-kun. We expect you to be happily married too."
They sprawled across their futons later that night as they decided on their futures. They'd have two weddings, a traditional one for Tsukasa and his bride and a more modern one for Amane's future wife.
They'd have little houses side by side so they could visit all the time. And their kids would be best friends, just like them.
When Amane finally fell asleep, after Tsukasa decided his wife would definitely have green eyes, it was to dreams of the pretty onee-san from the Tanabata festival, holding his hand and kissing him.
Amane presses one last kiss to his brother's forehead before the light disappears from his eyes. He can feel himself trembling as he lowers Tsukasa to the floor and carefully sweeps the lids down, hiding away the cold fact that the life he has carefully protected is gone.
And it's his fault.
The knife clatters to the floor as horror and panic drown him simultaneously. As every second of the last twenty minutes collides in his brain like a star going supernova.
Amane reached for his brother, pulling him into a hug as they fell asleep. They'd had to do a project on their favorite things today, and Amane had done his on donuts and his twin.
His sensei had laughed because Tsukasa had apparently put the same thing down too. And of course he did, they were twins, they liked the same stuff.
They liked donuts, and stars, and the way the cold nipped at their noses on the first snowfall. They liked hot cocoa, and blue ice pops, and the hazy sunsets that only happen when you're exhausted from being at the beach.
They liked each other best of all though because they're part of the same soul. Sensei had seemed a bit surprised at this, but Amane only shrugged and went back to coloring his monster.
Adults could be so weird about things.
Amane curls one of Tsukasa’s cold hands around the handle of the knife as he angles it against his belly. One shaky breath before he snaps his arms in and drives the blade into the hollow cavern.
He thinks it should hurt, but Tsu has taken everything with him.
He slumps against his baby brother's still form, no heartbeat echoing like a familiar lullaby. Moonlight spills over them both, highlighting the puddles of ruby with silver.
Cold steals through Amane's limbs and torso even as the warmth of their blood soaks into his skin. He keeps his hand curled around Tsukasa’s as the darkness rises up to claim him.
Twins stars can't survive without the other.
Yugi Amane left the world the same way he had arrived. Bloody, crying, and aching for the other half of himself that isn't there.