Chapter Text
Breaking News: [video] Shocking and scandalous footage of Bangtan’s ‘golden maknae’ intimate with another man (R19)
Jeongguk had turned down the volume on his phone long ago, but can’t seem to stop the now silent video from replaying over and over. The quality isn’t great, shaky and at times out of focus, but there’s no denying the star of the show. He sighs, staring at himself on screen, his partner’s face entirely out of view. Jeongguk is the only one who knows the other man’s name with certainty, although he’s sure there has already been much speculation. He refuses to read the comments underneath the article or the gossip burning through social media.
Pressure builds inside Jeongguk’s chest, slow but intense, pressing out against him and trying to break free. His lungs feel squeezed for oxygen as his heart batters his rib cage, beating too erratic and too fast. The blue notification light blinks incessantly, and names flash at the top of his screen as Jeongguk is sent text message after text message, from the other members, his brother, a few close ninety-seven liners, mostly Yugyeom and Mingyu. He had even blindly silenced two phone calls earlier, one from his mother and one from their manager, Sejin.
Staving off his anxiety before it grows out of control, a monster rampaging his entire being, Jeongguk forces himself to match his breaths to the blinking light. He tears his eyes away from the erotic video, clicking the ‘x’ to close the window. He pushes the heel of his hand into his sternum, focusing on the count of his inhale-hold-exhale, and stares at the flashing blue dot until it blurs in his vision.
A light rap on his door startles Jeongguk out of his stupor. He wakes his phone and sees that well over an hour has passed since he first saw the compromising video of himself actively in bed with a rare one-night stand. Jeongguk doesn’t often let himself go, even when he’s out, he keeps himself controlled and contained. He dislikes feeling out of his depth, which includes excessive drinking and risky hookups. This video reveals evidence of both: Jeongguk on his knees, mouth open, on his back, legs spread, words slurred while spoken far too freely. He had held out flimsy hope for almost the entire video, until a close-up of his face near the end shows him smiling his stupid bunny smile and proudly mumbling “I’m golden baby Jeon Jeongguk, even good in bed… wait, was I good enough? Oh my god, erase all of this.”
The worst part is that Jeongguk has only ever truly wanted to be with one person, one man who is so far out of reach to be a laughable impossibility. What started as a childish puppy infatuation, has grown over the years into a simmering, stubborn adoration. Jeongguk calls it a crush when he’s feeling generous towards himself, but aware it feels more like love when he’s being honest. This video had been created nearly a year ago, the night Jeongguk discovered that the object of his long-held affection began dating a woman he met at a local Starbucks. The generic romantic comedy plot aside, that revelation had brutally reminded Jeongguk he’s not like other people in so many ways that it ached deep in his watery soul. The current had churned so restlessly inside of him, Jeongguk traveled to The Hill in Itaewon on a spontaneous whim to find someone else like him. He needed to calm the raging storm, unaware he’d dived straight into a tsunami.
Jeongguk shoves himself up and off his chair with another heavy sigh. He really doesn’t have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to Namjoon right now or, heaven forbid, one of the management team. His feet sound too loud as he shuffles to his door, and he can practically feel his swollen eyes throbbing in his head. Hand shaking as he starts to open it, Jeongguk desperately hopes it’s Hoseok or Jimin, at least they already know, or-
“Jeongguk-ah,” murmurs Yoongi, lips turned down in a small frown. His eyes flicker towards the device in Jeongguk’s hand, then return to his face. He opens his mouth to continue.
Hating the frantic break in his voice, Jeongguk shakes his head. He wishes he could be composed in front of one of the people he respects and admires the most. “Please hyung, not now. I know, I know, you don’t… you don’t have to tell me how bad this is for all of you, for the group. I’m so sorry, I-”
“Jeongguk-ah,” states Yoongi, tone firm and clipped, instead of his usual low, lisped drone. Long fingers wrap around Jeongguk’s wrist and squeeze, while Yoongi uses his other hand to pluck Jeongguk’s phone from his fist. “Stop.”
With a gasp, Jeongguk opens his eyes. Yoongi’s face is distorted through tears which Jeongguk didn’t even realize he was crying. “Hyung.”
“Let’s sit, yeah? We don’t need to do anything but sit. Will you sit with me, Gguk-ah?” Yoongi waits patiently for Jeongguk’s shaky nod, then leads them to the edge of the bed. “Here okay?”
Jeongguk nods again, although he feels a bit disconnected from the moment. He focuses on the sensation of Yoongi’s fingers around his wrist, thumb stroking along the thin skin over his pulse point. He hears Yoongi’s steady breathing, and matches his pace. His palm is back against his sternum, fingers splayed, pushing down down down, using the rise and fall of his chest to calm himself.
As the panic ebbs, shame crawls up Jeongguk’s spine, his face, neck, and ears heating up. He swallows and dips his chin, staring at the floor between his socked feet. He bites his lip, choking back the humiliation of knowing all the people who have seen that video, his family and neighbors back home, his friends, his bandmates, including the man at his side. He thought he had gotten over the internal revulsion he had felt for himself for a long time, too long really, but it all comes crashing back over him in relentless waves.
“I’m sorry, hyung,” rasps Jeongguk, throat thick with nerves. His knee bounces and he lowers his hand to pick at loose threads on his thigh.
“For what?” Yoongi shifts to face Jeongguk, still holding onto him.
Jeongguk balks; there are so many things he should apologize for, namely some of the romantic, delusional, singularly-focused feelings he’s harbored over the last few years of his young life. “Umm, just- this isn’t nothing, this is a big deal. A really big deal.”
“Gguk-”
Now that he’s started, Jeongguk vomits the words out of his mouth, interrupting his elder. “You can’t tell me it’ll all be fine, because it won’t. This would be bad enough if it was just a sex tape, but I’m an idiot so I said my name and it’s obviously my face and- god, hyung, it’s not just a sex tape of me but- it’s a- no one knew, hyung, not even my brother. I haven’t told anyone except Hobi-hyung and Jiminie because we spend so much time together in the dance studio and they kinda figured it out awhile ago and I basically confirmed it even though they never asked, because they wouldn’t, but- hyung, what is Namjoonie-hyung going to say? He must hate me. He’s already got so much-”
“Jeon Jeongguk.” Yoongi grabs for Jeongguk’s other hand, weaving their fingers together. “I came straight here after seeing the headline, so I don’t know exactly what Joon is thinking right now, but I’ve known him a long time. So have you. He’s yours first, not theirs. He’ll prioritize you over the company or the public, and especially the media.”
Jeongguk can barely focus on Yoongi’s words, stuck on the very first thing he said. “You saw the headline.”
Yoongi hums. “Yes.”
“Did you…?” Jeongguk doesn’t really want to crush the flare of hope that maybe the people who matter the most to him chose not to watch the video. Perhaps there’s a chance his parents, his friends, the other members, will never see the actual footage of him in such a vulnerable position.
“I would never disrespect you like that, Gguk-ah.” Yoongi tilts his head in consideration. “I was in my studio when I saw the headline, saw there was an attached video, and closed the site. Then I finally noticed the group chat blowing up my phone, all about you as I’m sure you know. And now I’m here.”
Jeongguk shakes his head. “I didn’t open the group chat, I didn’t want to see what you all were saying.”
“They’re just concerned for you but want to give you space. I bet some of them are hoping you haven’t seen anything yet.” Yoongi pauses, clearly weighing his next words carefully. “If you don’t want to answer, or don’t have an answer, that’s okay, but I want to ask.”
The air hangs between them, thick with unspoken questions and answers Jeongguk isn’t strong enough to give. It’s heavy, pressing against him like an itchy blanket. He scratches at his thigh, ceasing only when Yoongi’s fingers tighten slightly along his wrist. He gnaws at his lip instead.
Yoongi clears his throat, so quietly that it would have gone unnoticed were Jeongguk not clinging to the brief respite of silence. “How are you hoping things go from here? You mentioned that you said your name in it and it’s clearly your face, so there’s no official denial as a possible statement. So what now, if you got to call all the shots?”
“Umm.” Jeongguk hesitates, teeth relentless on his bottom lip. He hadn’t anticipated the question, hasn’t even begun to formulate a perfect scenario going forward. Seeing that video made time screech to a halt in his mind, everything crashing down around him, like waves battering the shore. “Well, ever since I fully wrapped my head around who I am and what that probably means for me, and I mean, once I really let go of the slow-burning and deep-seeded self-hatred I had for myself for years, I’ve wanted to come out. But.”
“But what,” presses Yoongi, when Jeongguk fails to continue his train of thought beyond a listless shrug of one shoulder.
“Seriously, hyung? But everything. We’ve gotten so big, and it really feels like we’re so close to really breaking through outside of Korea and Asia. We’re planning an English comeback, we’re making more music, the world is still in turmoil everywhere, I’m fucking depressed half the time, but I swear everyone else is too. This isn’t the time to rock the social boat.” Jeongguk huffs and tries to tug his wrist free from Yoongi’s grip. His skin is too tight, blood thrumming too close to the surface, nerves scattered and restless. He idly wonders if this is how Bruce Banner feels before morphing into The Hulk.
“That’s right now, what about before?” Yoongi releases Jeongguk, giving him space. He misses Yoongi’s touch instantly, craving it like a spoiled child.
Jeongguk furrows his brow in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Yoongi lifts his shoulders. “You said you wanted to come out as soon as you accepted yourself.”
Snorting, Jeongguk bends one leg up on the mattress, shifting so he’s facing Yoongi. His other legs jumps, knee nervously bouncing up and down. His fingers skitter along his thigh. “That really hasn’t been all that long, hyung. I knew for sure the summer before I celebrated turning seventeen. I didn’t stop hating that part of myself until I was working on My Time and reflecting on my adolescence.”
“Gguk.” Yoongi has an expression which appears far too much like pity and it's thoroughly distressing.
“I’m fine, Yoongi-hyung,” lies Jeongguk, hopefully in a convincing manner. He schools his face. “I understand who I am and who I have to be, and this kind of changes the public image of me a little, but it is what it is. I’ll deal with it. Some people will hate me now, but it’s not like everyone loved me anyway. Now just, you know, a few more people will hate me, so it’s whatever.”
Yoongi leans in, but still doesn’t touch Jeongguk. He regrets pulling away. A large part of him wants to bury his head in Yoongi’s lap and weep until he passes out. “So let’s circle back to my question. What do you want to happen now?”
Jeongguk shrugs. “I just wish I wasn’t all alone in this. Like, I am logically aware that there are thousands of people out there who will identify with me solely because of this, but, actually knowing I have to deal with it now, when I wasn’t really ready to do that, I just wish this was on my own terms. And you’ll say ‘Gguk-ah keep your focus on what you can control’, and I get that, and I can’t erase the video from people’s memories, but, I just…”
“So who do I need to kill, Gguk?” Yoongi’s fingers twitch into a loose fist, his body belying the chill attitude he’s trying to display. His other hand reaches for Jeongguk’s confiscated phone. “Who else was in the video? I don’t want to watch it, but so help me if I can figure out who should be buried for, not only outing you, but doing it in such a crude, unacc-”
“You can’t see him, so please don’t watch it,” begs Jeongguk, even though he is certain the elder wouldn’t do that. Yoongi’s code of honor is unparalleled. He sees Yoongi’s jaw drop, so he forges ahead. “He made sure to only show me, so at least he’ll be safe from scrutiny, which is fair since it’s not like he’s a public figure, so he doesn’t deserve to get dragged-”
“Excuse me, what?” Yoongi rises off the bed and begins to pace. He glares at Jeongguk, but somehow he grasps that the ire isn’t directed at him. “Don’t you dare defend him. You’re telling me that he thought far enough ahead to save his own ass by only showing your face and your body, somehow getting you to say your name, and you’re glad for him and his precious identity? Jeon Jeongguk, seriously, who am I murdering? Believe me, I’ll get hyung in on this plan too, he’ll happily take an asshole down.”
“Hyung, stop. Please don’t get Jin-hyung involved in your killing rampage.” Despite the situation, Yoongi’s angry face coupled with the late hour and how wrung out he feels, Jeongguk giggles. He wraps an arm around his waist as he laughs, hearing that he’s alone in his flimsy mirth, but unable to regain his composure. As suddenly as it came, it stops, and the laughter turns into a hiccup followed by a sob. Then Jeongguk is crying, face in his hands. Yoongi sits beside him and holds him, gently rocking him back and forth in a swaying motion Jeongguk relies on when anxiety creeps over him like an unwelcome shadow.
“Gguk-ah,” croons Yoongi, resting his cheek against Jeongguk’s shoulder. It reminds him of being much younger, much smaller, and crying for home. That childish angst feels so simple and innocent in comparison. He thinks about the mess of adoration in his chest, a tangled knot which pulses soft and tender for the man at his side.
“I just wish I wasn’t all alone, hyung. That’s all. I can face this. Ultimately, it is what I wanted, to be true to myself with my family and friends and Army, and of course all of you guys. I doubt I would have ever found the right time, but it’s scary being out there like this, exposed in so many ways, all by myself. The video itself will blow over eventually, I get that, but the entire world knowing that-” Jeongguk slams his mouth shut, rolling his lips over his teeth, as though that will prevent him from finally coming out to anyone, even though it doesn’t matter anymore.
“You’re safe with me, Gguk. If you want to say it, say it. If you’re not ready, that’s okay too.” Yoongi keeps his head against Jeongguk’s shoulder, a lack of attention on him which Jeongguk appreciates.
“It’s really hard, hyung,” whispers Jeongguk. “Even though I know you won’t judge me, I mean, you already know now.”
“But there’s power in speaking your own truth, Jeongguk.” Yoongi lifts his head and scoots forward, making direct eye contact with Jeongguk. “I’m bisexual. I like men and women, and I’ve known for a long time. Besides very vague lyrics and sound bytes here and there over the years, I’ve only ever come out to Hoseok, although both Seokjin and Namjoon seem to just know, they’ve always heard the things I don’t say. I tried coming out to my parents, but I didn’t even get to it and I could just tell, it wasn’t going to go well. So I flailed and told them about the music career I wanted instead, and, well. We know how that went.”
Jeongguk reels, head spinning. He heard everything the elder said, yet his mind pounds like a steady drumbeat with only one thought; Yoongi likes men. His heart twists in his chest. “Yoongi-hyung.”
“I get it, Gguk. Believe me, the fear, the shadow, the loneliness of the coming out part, the looming pressure to do it over and over again. I get that.” Yoongi takes a deep breath and grabs hold of Jeongguk’s hand. “But I don’t know the first thing about handling a leaked sex tape.”
Jeongguk laughs, weak, wet, and thoroughly unattractive. He scrubs at his face with his sleeve. “It’s a whole mess. A whole gay mess, hyung. I’m… I’m gay. I like only men.”
“I’m so proud of you, bun. And we’ll get through this, all together if you want, like we can tackle everything.” Yoongi nods at him, a small fond smile tugging at his lips. “You are not alone, Gguk-ah. You have me.”
Jeongguk focuses on those words, repeating them over and over, long after Yoongi leaves his bedroom that night.
[V LIVE] Surprise LIVE! BTS: 슈가 SUGA
Jeongguk wakes up before the sun, room still pitch black, the live notification dinging from his phone. He blindly gropes for the device, wondering who is filming anything in the middle of the night. Eyes scratchy and half-shut, he fumbles with his phone, first noting that it’s barely past four in the morning. Mentally grumbling at Jimin, the only reasonable suspect besides himself at this hour, Jeongguk wants to roll right back over and sink back into oblivion. However, the memory of last night’s headline leaps back into focus almost immediately. His heartbeat kicks up, hammering in his rice-paper chest.
Groaning, Jeongguk allows his curiosity to overpower him. Without checking the notification, he opens the application. He hears a very familiar voice, just not the one he had expected.
“...right? After all, that’s what we’re here for. As artists and human beings, we’ve always prided ourselves on being honest. So, I found myself unable to sleep tonight, too much weighing on my mind. Some of you will assume I’ve been driven to this by yesterday’s ‘news’, which is a whole other topic of garbage I could address, but I refuse. Butting into our personal lives is, and always has been, unacceptable, so I won’t give the trash any attention since it doesn’t deserve any.”
Jeongguk’s mouth hangs open as he stares at his phone. He has no idea what Yoongi is doing, as he rarely goes live without an objective, unlike Jeongguk, who has been known to randomly fire it up to unload a spontaneous thought or two. Clearly, he won’t be touching on Jeongguk’s pressing issue. Just thinking about it causes his stomach to twist, a painful clench that has him doubling over with a whimper. The telltale metallic taste of saliva gathers in his mouth and he swallows it down. He focuses back on Yoongi, hoping to quell his nausea.
“...what I’m really trying to say is that exposing people for anything, be it sexuality, mental health, physical conditions, religion, anything that isn’t any of your business, is abhorrent. We should all know better, we should all do better. If we spend more time loving ourselves, caring about ourselves, improving our own lives instead of trying to lift ourselves up only by bringing others down, that’s the secret, I think. If you love yourself and are true to yourself, there’s not enough time or energy left to be negative towards others.”
As usual, the elder’s impactful eloquence hits Jeongguk right in the heart. No one shares hard-earned wisdom as generously or as easily as Yoongi. Jeongguk feels himself tear up, a swell of motivation rising within him. The world is not over; at the very least, he has Yoongi, along with Hoseok and Jimin, on his side. He chooses to forcibly not consider the possibility that Seokjin, Namjoon, and Taehyung might not be.
“...enough of talking vaguely about what I’m trying to say, why I really turned on my camera in the middle of the night. There’s a lot of you watching now, which is good. Where was I? Oh, right. If you want to focus on something positive, focus on this, because as far as I’m concerned, honesty and transparency which comes directly from the source is positive. I will share news which is solely mine to share, even though it’s scary to say it to all of you. I’m bisexual. I am attracted to women and I am attracted to men. I’ve known this about myself for quite a few years now, but I finally got tired of hiding it and only hinting at it. Oh, I’ve never been sent so many purple hearts and… oh, rainbows. I like those a lot, keep them coming.”
Jeongguk springs off his mattress, sure he looks like he just rolled out of bed after too few hours of sleep, except he doesn’t care. He flings open his door, races down the hall, and knocks on Yoongi’s door, glad they all have their own rooms this time around. In the past, he would have had to consider Seokjin’s sleep schedule. He hears his elder’s low tones, and glances down at his phone screen to see Yoongi walking away from the computer towards the door. Towards him.
“Jeongguk-ah,” mumbles Yoongi, surprise written all over his face. He is backlit by the golden glow of a desk lamp, a calm aura emanating from him. “You should be sleeping, you were up late.”
“You too, hyung. Can I come in?” Jeongguk bounces on the balls of his feet. His nerves are melting into something else, something more electric, like before getting onstage. Yoongi steps aside and motions him inside. They move to the computer.
Yoongi gestures to Jeongguk as they each take a seat. “In over seven years, some things never change. When one of us goes live, someone usually comes in to crash. It turns out that tonight we’re lucky enough to be graced by our elusive maknae.” Yoongi leans into the screen and rasps his unique, understated chuckle.
“Hi everyone!” Jeongguk waves, rocking in his chair as he waits for the floor. He is certain Yoongi knows why he is here. This doesn’t fix anything, not hardly, but he feels giddy anticipation fizzing through him, nearly shaking him out of his skin. Now that he’s here, he’s ready.
“Yes, they see you’re here. I’m pretty sure the numbers just doubled and I can’t even read the messages anymore, they’re coming in so fast. Everyone loves you, Gguk-ah.” Yoongi smiles softly at him. “Were you watching my broadcast?”
Jeongguk gulps back lingering fear and nods, too quickly for his fatigued, yet hyper-alert state. He feels as though he might float away if left unattended. His eyes skim over Yoongi’s desktop, and he grabs a couple loose markers. “Suga-hyung, can I color on your arm while I talk?”
At Yoongi’s nod, Jeongguk bends down to pay attention to what he’s drawing on his elder’s skin. Not staring right into the camera helps him be brave. Despite that, his skin begins to burn, his cheeks and neck feeling like they’re on fire. “I was watching Suga-hyung’s live, so maybe this seems like an odd one to crash, or maybe some of you have guessed why I might be here. First, I’m going to apologize, but not for anything except that I’m sorry anyone had to see something they didn’t want to see. I wish it had never been aired to anyone, I wish a moment like that had never been captured on video. I always want Army to be proud of me and that’s hard when I’m not even proud of myself.”
“Jeongguk,” murmurs Yoongi, low enough that the camera likely cannot detect it. “Don’t be ashamed of yourself, not about who you are.”
“I’m not. Not anymore.” Jeongguk whispers back, gently patting the forearm he’s still decorating. He pokes his tongue into his cheek and sniffs, before raising his voice again to be heard by viewers.
“I’m not proud of the footage, and that any of you have seen it. If you haven’t, I’m hoping you never open it, I’m asking you to never open it. Anyway, I am proud of what I’m about to say. Suga-hyung was so courageous just now, speaking himself, sharing that truth with all of you, it makes me inspired to do the same. My hyungs have been inspiring me for years now, even before I personally knew some of them, and they still do.” Jeongguk pauses to gather himself, using the multitude of comments as a crutch.
Yoongi glances down at his arm and smiles. His eyes flick back to the computer screen. “‘Still with you, Jungkook.’ ‘We love you, JK.’ ‘Let’s get it, Kookie!’ Hmm, I see lots of purple hearts and rainbows for you too, Gguk.”
Jeongguk squares his shoulders and tips his head in both directions like he’s entering the boxing ring. He puts down the blue marker next to the purple and pink ones, finished with Yoongi’s temporary tattoo. He looks into the camera, bolstered by the barrage of positivity he can see flying past in the comments. His stomach swoops and he blows out a breath, simultaneously the best and worst rollercoaster of his life. He licks his lips. “I’m… I’m gay. It doesn’t change anything about me, I was born this way, and I hope you still love me. I’m still Jungkook.”
Yoongi smoothly takes over the conversation before Jeongguk starts to cry; he feels his eyelids tightening and tingling with moisture. Part of him needs to keep explaining, begging fans to not give up on him because of this. At the same time, he feels a little bit lighter than when he had woken up and instantly recalled the leaked sex tape. He had control over this announcement, and it might have even reached their fans before the salacious headline. He’s still been pushed harshly out of the closet, but it already feels more on his terms than before.
“...anyway, it’s time for bed, I think. I don’t know about our precious maknae, he’s always attractive, but I definitely require beauty sleep. Don’t fight with me in the comments.” Yoongi stops and raises his arm towards the camera, twisting it slightly. “Wait, look at Jeonggukie’s art. He’s so talented at drawing, make sure you shower him with love for that and anything else you want to love him for. Alright, good night for real now, Army.”
“We miss you, Army.” Jeongguk leans in towards Yoongi and flashes finger hearts at the camera. “We purple you.”
Yoongi flips off the camera after a slight fumble with the button. He turns to Jeongguk. “You didn’t have to come in here.”
“I wanted to, hyung. You’re so brave, I had to come support you too, like you said you’d do for me.” Jeongguk is certain in his decision, and he repeats himself. “I wanted to, for you, but also for me. Now they’ve heard it from me.”
Jeongguk’s falls asleep much more easily once he returns to his bedroom, mind a little clearer, heart a little brighter.
When Jeongguk rises for the second time, his phone informs him that it is close to noon. He doesn’t want to face the storm of today, surely a hurricane of epic proportions waiting for him once he steps foot out of his room. He’s surprised he doesn’t have multiple missed calls, but there’s nothing except one text from his mother asking him if he’s okay, which he will deal with later. He quickly showers and dresses, bracing himself the best he can.
Jeongguk goes to the kitchen, hoping to catch Namjoon as early as possible. He strides in and sees five of the other members, only Yoongi absent, who all turn to him when he walks into the room. His breath catches as he suddenly feels like he understands facing a firing squad.
“Jeonggukie!” Hoseok bounces off his chair and wraps his arms around Jeongguk. He squeezes him extra tight, lowering his voice so only Jeongguk can hear. “I’m so proud of you. I’m always here for you, don’t forget that. You’re never, ever bothering me.”
Jeongguk isn’t sure he’s going to make it through the entire rest of the day if he’s already overcome by emotions. He pulls back and luckily Hoseok understands right away. He watches Jeongguk with damp eyes. He brushes his fingers through Jeongguk’s fringe, then moves to the sink to putter around and collect himself. Jeongguk remembers how Yoongi mentioned that he had come out to only Hoseok, so there’s probably some dual pride for Yoongi adding to the dancer’s current state.
Seokjin gets up from the table to place his dish in the sink, then comes over to Jeongguk. “I watched Yoongi’s live. That’s all I watched, Jeongguk-ah. I’m proud of you.”
“Hyung,” Jeongguk isn’t sure what’s going on this morning, but it’s almost overwhelming to process. His heart feels too big for his chest, full and warm. He didn’t really have doubts about any of the others accepting him, and yet there was that sliver of a chance that it could be awkward for someone.
“Yah, Jeon Jeongguk,” Seokjin smiles, big and broad, eyes sparkling. “I raised you well, didn’t I? Joon-ah, didn’t I raise him well?”
Jeongguk follows the direction of Seokjin’s last question, eyes widening when he sees the tense set of Namjoon’s shoulders, the rigid line of his back. He quietly sucks in his breath, gut churning again. Their leader forces a tight smile and nods, not even sparing Jeongguk a glance. Seokjin gives Namjoon a significant look, then turns back around. He pats Jeongguk on the shoulder and leaves the kitchen.
Sensing the slight shift in the atmosphere, Hoseok turns around and frowns. Jimin and Taehyung are suspiciously quiet, even as Hoseok jerks his head to get their attention. They push away from the table, quickly depositing their dishes in the sink. Moving as a unit, they each attach themselves to Jeongguk, one on each side, enveloping him in a group hug. Jeongguk suddenly wants to be free and clear to join them in a cuddle pile, like they used to do all the time when the older four were busy, although Hoseok would jump in with them if he had a spare minute for affection.
“Ggukie, I love you.” Jimin pets his hair. “I always have, I always will. And I will fight anyone who doesn’t like you for this, anyone who gives you a hard time.”
Jeongguk laughs, throat tight and thick. “I think martial arts training is for self-control.”
“Not when it needs to be used for aggression, Ggukie.” Jimin raises an eyebrow and smirks.
Taehyung gazes worriedly at Jimin before nuzzling into the crook of Jeongguk’s neck. They are both so soft, Jeongguk takes a second to bask in their brand of love and loyalty. He knows without a doubt he would take a bullet for either of them, and he feels that same heightened devotion radiating off of them.
“ Anyone, Tae. You heard me and you better believe it.” Jimin presses a kiss to Jeongguk’s temple and huffs, side-eyeing the kitchen. His mouth tightens, lips pressed together as though he’s physically restraining himself from saying more.
“We have to talk to you later, Ggukie,” whispers Taehyung, drawing back. “It’s important.”
Jeongguk’s stomach drops and he gapes at Taehyung, voice low. “Is it bad, Taehyungie?”
“No, no, it’s just, well, maybe but only a little. I just need you to know something, full disclosure, right?” Taehyung stops short when Namjoon clears his throat. “I love you, Ggukie. We all love you. You’re still you, you still shine brighter than the stars. No one can dull that, nothing can dull that, surely not something as beautiful as love.”
At this point, Jeongguk doesn’t even try to hide his tears. He allows Jimin to swipe softly at his cheeks and kiss his eyelids, before watching his two best friends leave him alone to face the one person perpetually caught in between family and duty. Jeongguk doesn’t envy their leader’s role at all, although right now he could use Namjoon on his side and by his side. He honestly doesn’t know what to expect.
“You don’t have to look so scared of me, Gguk.” Namjoon sighs and spreads his hands, palms up. “Come sit. There are things we need to talk about before we go see upper management together.”
“You’ll come with me?” Jeongguk sounds like a child, he’s practically whining and he hates it. He shakes his head in frustration, fingers idly tracing the grooves of the table. “I mean, I can go alone. It’s my fault, it’s my mess, I need to clean it up.”
“Be that as it may, I can still go with you.” Namjoon pauses, considering his words. “You should know, according to Manager Sejin, that no one at BigHit-”
“It’s not his mess, Joon.” Yoongi’s deep rasp cuts through the conversation.
Namjoon glares at Yoongi, face lined with fatigue. Guilt for causing Namjoon unexpected stress eats away at Jeongguk. “What, hyung?”
“You said ‘be that as it may’ after Gguk said he needs to clean up his mess.” Yoongi shuffles over to the table and plops down in an open seat. He crosses his arms and leans back, passive posture deceptive to the thinly restrained hostility in his tone. “It’s not his mess though, is it?”
“Hyung, you know what I meant.” Namjoon takes a purposely patient breath and folds his hands on the table top. “Let’s not get into this now.”
“No, see, I’m not going to watch you let Jeongguk take any sort of fall for this. We’re not the scrappy little band of ragtag misfits anymore. You can put him first, we’ll be fine either way.” Yoongi clenches his jaw and looks away, staring at the half-full coffee pot. Jeongguk scrapes back his chair and goes to get Yoongi a mug.
“Do you really think so little of me, Yoongi?” Namjoon’s strained voice reminds Jeongguk of past years, past issues, threats and slander against them which always put him in a tough spot. He and Yoongi would often verbally battle it out, trying to find the best way to stay true to themselves, learn and grow from mistakes, yet still keep the company appeased. Often, it sounded like Yoongi had been fighting for the band while Namjoon played devil’s advocate on behalf of the company, even though they both desperately and equally cared about their dreams and their members.
“This is huge already, Joon. So many of the comments are-” Yoongi glances at Jeongguk, apology written all over his face. Jeongguk gestures for him to continue. It’s not as though he can bury his head in the sand forever; like picking at a scab, he’s sure he will soon be facing his sentence in the court of public opinion. “They’re ugly. People who don’t want anything to do with us anymore, who want us to drop Jeongguk.”
Jeongguk gasps as Namjoon slams his palm on the table. “And you think I’d be okay with that? That’s low, Yoongi. This isn’t Bangtan without Jeongguk, you know it and I know it, not to mention I couldn’t do that to him-”
Namjoon stops and gazes at Jeongguk with fire in his eyes. Jeongguk shrugs as though his heart isn’t splintering into hundreds of pieces at the thought of an anonymous crowd wanting him gone, ousted from the people he considers family; not just the other six members, but the managers, the stylists, the dancers, so many people who’ve been with them since the beginning.
“No, it isn’t a shrug kind of situation, Jeongguk,” Namjoon declares with a fierce shake of his head. “I won’t do that to you, I couldn’t. Kick you out. And for what? Being homosexual? Having had a relationship with someone who couldn’t define respect or integrity even if he was paid to do so? Should you have allowed yourself to be videotaped having sex? Probably not, no, but is this what we’re really discussing ending a singing career over? Please. I’ll go toe to toe with management on this. Yoongi, come on. You know me better than that.”
“It’s unfortunate this is the reason, but it’s always good to see you fired up, Joon.” Yoongi grimaces, unfairly attractive even when he’s annoyed. “They’re going to want to see me after that live, I’m sure. I’ve dodged three calls from Sejin already this morning. I’ll go with Jeongguk over there, but if you want to come with us, we can use all the help we can get. I’ve never been good at the publicity side of things, as you’re both fully aware, and my tolerance for bullshit decreases with every year that passes.”
“Hyungs,” begins Jeongguk, fingers tapping restlessly at the whorls in the wood. “Do you think there’s any chance PD-nim will see it differently? That he’d, umm, rather have me gone or replaced than have to keep dealing with my mistakes?”
“Gguk, tattoos aren’t a crime, whether or not they're stigmatized. You owned up to the car accident and paid the fine, no one was injured. And Itaewon wasn’t a mistake, you didn’t do anything wrong, all of you even went above and beyond to get tested before and after.” Namjoon states, calm and sure of himself. His attitude in response settles Jeongguk more than the words themselves.
“Plus,” adds Yoongi with a smirk. “Like Joon said, no you shouldn’t have agreed to being taped during sex. However, if anyone implies the fact it was with a man is any part of what makes it a mistake? Well, this is a fight I’ve been waiting to have for a long time. Maybe they’ll have to find two new members because I’ll walk before I hear Jeongguk slandered by his own company over his sexuality.”
Jeongguk tries to not flinch at the casual way Yoongi mentions either or both of them no longer being a part of this group, a part of their family. “What about you, hyung?”
Yoongi waves away his concern. “I don’t care, they can say what they want about me. But they better not so much as hint that you’re wrong, broken, twisted, damaged, or any of the other garbage that gets said like it doesn’t fucking hurt to hear it. Like we all haven’t spent enough time thinking that about ourselves.”
“Hyung,” Namjoon taps his little finger against Yoongi’s. “I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that, even if only in your own head.”
“Well,” Yoongi snorts out a laugh. “My brain isn’t always my best friend, we knew that already.”
After a little more conversation, and an apologetic smile, Namjoon pulls out his phone. “I have to call Sejin now. I’m sure you’ll both be wanted later today, probably shortly after I get off the call. Oh, Jeongguk. I started to tell you before.”
Jeongguk stops short, wondering how many times his stomach will painfully seize up in terror today or tomorrow, any time in the foreseeable future. “Yeah?”
“I was assured that no one at the company has watched the video. They don’t want to watch it for confirmation, they’d rather hear confirmation directly from you. If they think a lawsuit against this man is necessary or prudent, I’m assuming you know the name of who filmed it.” Jeongguk nods, face hot with a blush. “Well, then a legal team may need to see it for themselves at that time. But no one you’re going to meet with today will have seen you in any sort of compromised position.”
Jeongguk swears his knees go weak with relief. It seems as though the people who care about him are choosing to respect his privacy in the face of someone actively choosing to abuse it. This knowledge gives him a bit of strength to face those who decided to click on it anyway, and are now ready to use it against him. He finds he doesn’t even particularly care as much what strangers think of him, whether they want him in Bangtan or out, whether they think he’s a sinner or immoral, whether they think he’s no one longer someone who should be trusted, respected, loved. He cares about his parents, his friends, Army, his brothers.
Namjoon pats Jeongguk on the back as he strides out of the kitchen, tripping slightly over one of the chairs as he goes.
Yoongi clasps both of Jeongguk’s hands, his touch soothing and warm. “You’ll be okay, Gguk-ah.”
“We’ll be okay, hyung,” corrects Jeongguk, thinking he might even be starting to believe that himself.
“Does Namjoonie-hyung need an ass kicking, Ggukie?” Jimin smiles sweetly from his perch on the bed. “I will do it, I swear.”
Taehyung laughs and Jeongguk shakes his head. “No. It’s fine, he’s fine. He has a really hard job, balancing all of us with all the demands from the- what, don’t look at me like that!”
“Jeon Jeongguk.” Jimin pins him with an intense stare, lips pursed as he studies him. “Don’t defend him because he was once your personal idol. Even ‘RapMon-hyung’ needs to be kept in line sometimes. You are our Jeonggukie, no ifs, ands, or buts.”
“Jiminie, it’s fine, I promise. He’s on my side, and hyung’s side too.” Jeongguk bites his lip as he turns to Taehyung, who is suspiciously quiet. “And how about you? You seemed a bit upset earlier?”
Taehyung flushes and looks to Jimin for assistance. Jeongguk glances between them both, witnessing an entire conversation flow with no spoken words. Finally, Taehyung sighs and folds his hands together. “We accidentally saw the video.”
“What?” Jeongguk’s mind blanks as he processes this information. Without even realizing it, he takes a few steps backwards towards the door. He closes his eyes, the heel of his palm pressed snugly against his chest. He focuses on breathing, the video flashing through his memory. He whimpers when he thinks about what Jimin and Taehyung saw.
“Ggukie,” soothes Jimin lowly. His eyes are wide with sincerity and apology. “I’m sorry, Jeongguk. We stopped once we figured out what it was. We were together when a mutual friend sent it to us, it started playing right away. At first we thought it was a fan edit using your face and, yes okay it was a bit much, a lot much, but whatever, right? And then…”
“Jeongguk, I’m so sorry.” Taehyung looks so solemn, so genuinely upset with himself, Jeongguk can’t find it within himself to be angry or hurt, although he’s definitely still mortified. “We stopped as soon as we heard your voice and we realized it was really you. I felt so gross, I still feel gross. I’m so sorry.”
Jeongguk crosses the room as quickly as possible, flinging himself at Taehyung. “It’s okay, really. I get it. I obviously wish you’d never seen, but I better get used to that from people, I guess.”
“Oh Ggukie.” Jimin joins their embrace, somehow wiggling in between them. “I’m sorry too. I talked with the person who sent it. She was trying to purposely not send the link to the article to not get it more views, and didn’t know it was going to autoplay once we opened the message. She just wanted to warn us, I promise she’s really sorry too.”
“A whole mess,” mutters Taehyung, clinging to Jimin and Jeongguk a little tighter.
Jeongguk laughs lightly, tamping down his embarrassment. He can choose his reaction to all of this, and this is as good a place to start as any. He doesn’t want anyone to feel awkward around him, not because they're afraid of hurting him further. It’s up to him to help this keep moving until it’s in the past, at least in his circle. “A whole gay mess, hyungie.”
Jimin falls backwards onto the bed laughing, except he’s still squished in the middle, so they all tumble into a haphazard tangle of limbs. At that moment, Hoseok appears in the doorway. “A maknae puppy pile! Hyung’s joining in, brace yourselves.”
Jeongguk feels only loved and adored as he’s manhandled amongst his friends and bandmates, awaiting a summons to the company. He breathes, steady and slow, appreciating the acceptance he’s already received.
“Well,” Sejin begins, in the car after the meeting. “How do you feel that went, Jeongguk?”
Jeongguk glances at Yoongi and Namjoon, seeing patience and sympathy on their faces as they look back at him. “I don’t want to go after him.” He raises his hand when he sees three mouths open to argue with him.
“I mean, I get that what he did was wrong, it was a breach of trust, but how is ruining his life going to help me?” Jeongguk shuffles his feet against the floor of the car, while self-conscious fingers toy with the buckles on his pants leg. He feels unsettled after the meeting, even though he thinks he should be elated and relieved. “I hate being in this position. Everyone now knows personal things about me that I wasn’t sure I was ready to divulge, but it’s done. Now they know, it’s out. I’m out. If I drag it on, it’ll just make me feel worse about myself, over time.”
“That’s a very mature attitude, Jeongguk. You can still think about it more, take some time to fully consider your stance.” Sejin brakes at a red light and turns to face Jeongguk. “There’s no rush, and management is prepared to-”
“Manager Sejin,” interrupts Jeongguk, hoping his voice stays controlled and level. “I have thought about it. It doesn’t matter who it was, or when it was, or where it was. It’s done. I can deal with it. I’d much rather be grateful to young Jeongguk for choosing Big Hit. I wasn’t expecting the support I got today. That we got, hyung.”
Jeongguk gazes at Yoongi, seated next to him, and forces a small smile on his face. Yoongi smirks back at him and Jeongguk’s heart trips over itself. “Happy that you chose Big Hit? Or happy that you chose Rap Monster, Gguk-ah?”
“Hyung,” chokes out Namjoon, coughing into his fist. He tugs his mask back over the lower half of his face, trying to hide behind it. “Give it a rest, leave Jeongguk alone.”
Seizing a desperate moment of normalcy, Jeongguk snorts. “Happy I chose RapMon-hyung, of course. His thighs helped me realize things about myself, probably sooner than I would have otherwise.”
Sejin and Yoongi both laugh, while Namjoon groans and rests his forehead against the window. “Gguk, come on.”
Jeongguk doesn’t have the heart to tell Namjoon that he has always exaggerated those stories a bit for dramatic flair, because it’s a safe answer when he’s put in the spot in interviews. He doesn’t have the courage to admit that the only person he’s ever felt anything beyond brotherly for isn’t his illustrious leader. The pure, tiny crush he’d held for Namjoon long ago, pales next to other feelings. Jeongguk recalls his hormonal reaction on a day that lives vivid in his mind. He remembers the radio interview, the way Yoongi had leaned in close to the microphone, languidly licked his lips, and then began to rap a Cypher verse, spitting syllables at an insanely fast rate. Jeongguk had crossed his legs and covered his lap and blushed to the roots of his hair, but luckily everyone had been distracted by the elder’s skill. Jeongguk had spent the next few days, weeks, months watching the rapper slurp noodles, gnaw on pen caps, brush his teeth, lick ice cream cones, all while wondering what else Yoongi’s mouth could do.
“I’m pleased at how things went,” inserts Yoongi, levity gone in an instant, despite the optimism. “We’re both supported by our company, that’s huge anywhere, but definitely here. I’m a little surprised.”
“I’m actually not,” replies Namjoon, having recovered from the battle against his blush. He looks across the center console at their manager, who hums in agreement. “I’m not just saying that because you’re here. I would have been more surprised by them judging either of you. They aren’t thrilled with damage control for an explicit video, but that’s a completely different issue. If it had been with a woman, it would be just as much damage control in regards to propriety.”
“I guess,” murmurs Jeongguk, trying to forget about all of it. He feels like an ungrateful brat, only able to focus on the things that are still out of his control. Everyone in management had sounded angered on his behalf, ready to go on the attack should he demand it. The legal department had been one eager phone call away, while Bang PD himself had sounded ready to use himself as Jeongguk’s personal shield until this blows over. He was informed that Big Hit supports him, and anyone who doesn’t is free to find new employment. That doesn’t bring Jeongguk as much comfort as it probably should. He doesn’t want people leaving their careers because of him.
However, what had really gotten underneath Jeongguk’s skin, crawling like fire ants through his body, was the public relations team. They had been openly discussing the best way to counteract the taint to Jeongguk’s character, how to keep him out of the public eye as much as an idol in the prime of his career can be hidden from view. They had lobbed ideas back and forth, strategized the optimum balance of privacy and defense. Listening to them converse, it was as though that one night of indiscretion, those minutes of grainy, lewd film, has irrevocably soured the sweetness of Jeongguk.
“Jeongguk-ah, remember to stay off of your phone, don’t go onto any news or tabloid or social media sites right now,” Namjoon cranes his head to peer back at Jeongguk. “It's for the best.”
Jeongguk squirms in his seat, glad he’s directly behind Namjoon. He isn’t sure he could handle understanding puppy eyes from his leader. He glares out the window and sucks his bottom lip between his teeth. He doesn’t particularly make note of any of his surroundings, even though this route is one he could travel in his sleep. He doesn’t realize his left hand is curled into a fist until long, slender fingers curve over his entire hand. He snaps his head over towards Yoongi, only to see his elder looking unbothered, staring out his own window. Jeongguk relaxes his hand as Yoongi’s fingers thread through his own.