Chapter Text
Sana and Nayeon had been enemies from the womb—that’s what Momo used to say through a teasing grin whenever tension rose between the two girls. It was technically impossible. Sana didn’t move to Korea until she was six years old, didn’t meet Nayeon until she was seven, but Momo had never been one for technicalities and ten years later they were still at each other’s throats—she figured it wasn’t too far off.
Sana couldn’t explain when it started. Not the rivalry— that stemmed from Nayeon interrupting her introduction to her new class in second grade.
When Nayeon spoke through the gap of her missing tooth and asked, “what a long last name. Can’t we just call you Tozaki?”
Sana had shot the meanest look she could muster at Nayeon’s smug face, then. And revenge came the very next day—when Nayeon announced her perfect score on a spelling test, when Sana slid her paper over and bragged about the ‘+1’ next to her score for correcting a mistake from their teacher. Needless to say they had been in competition ever since.
So, she knew where the rivalry started. What she didn’t know was when Nayeon’s lips began to curl around words so eloquently that Sana couldn’t tear her eyes away—didn’t know when the other girl’s incessant chatter became more of a welcome constant than an infuriating distraction. But she knew when she finally did something about it.
It was in the midst of the summer scorch before their senior year. Sana sat curled into a far corner of the library with textbooks and notes strewn haphazardly around her table. She had been taking summer courses for extra credit since her freshman year of high school, never quite knowing what to do with her hands or her brain in all the downtime that no school would entail, and it was far from uncommon for her to take residence in the library into the dark hours of the night.
It was quiet and warm and everything a library should be, until a looming shadow slithered behind her and obstructed her view of her papers. She turned to the offender with a glare ready on her face—a glare that quickly turned into a look of annoyance as she took in Nayeon’s smirk. Of course, as if the universe and the stars and all of destiny’s power was out to get her, Nayeon had taken the same course as her.
“Hey, mind if I sit here?” Nayeon asked. Sana nodded with a resigned sigh as she moved her belongings into a more organized mess so Nayeon could set up on the other side of the table.
“Why are you here so late?” Sana found herself asking. Despite popular opinion, Nayeon and Sana didn’t hate each other. On most days. They were both smart enough to know not to turn down a study partner whose intelligence was on par with their own, at least.
“Focus better at night,” Nayeon shrugged without meeting her gaze. “I could ask you the same thing.”
“I’ve been here for over an hour,” Sana sighed. “These theories are kicking my ass.” Nayeon snickered at that and Sana almost reached over to smack her for it.
“Here,” Nayeon slid a notebook across the table and Sana swallowed down the unnecessary joke about the childish stickers scattered across the front. “Quiz me, it’ll help you.” Sana knew she was right, she learned things quickly when she got perspective from other people on how they understood certain concepts, but she would never admit that.
“I can barely read your writing,” she said instead. “What are you? Four?”
“Five, actually,” Nayeon beamed up at her, big bunny teeth on display and Sana really couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped her lips.. “Now quiz me. Or are you intimidated by my intelligence?”
Sana scoffed. “Never.”
They went back and forth for almost an hour, taking turns asking each other questions. Nayeon had settled down at one point, taking her jacket off and leaning forward on her elbows as the questions became more and more difficult with each turn, neither girl wanting to be the first to mess up. Eventually they gave up on the AP Biology curriculum and moved onto random facts they both knew, trying their hardest to catch the other off-guard. They were both leaning on the edge of their seats, eyes locked on each other, almost daring the other to look away and give up. Until, of course, Sana’s own body betrayed her.
Her stomach grumbled. Loud.
“Really?” Nayeon teased with smirk. “Working up an appetite over there, Tozaki?” And something in Sana finally snapped upon hearing the nickname that Nayeon knew she hated. Years and years of inexplicable tension between them, the endless teasing—not to mention Nayeon looked really hot while explaining the process of expiration and inspiration.
Sana reached across the table, gaze darting between Nayeon’s lips and her eyes as she grabbed Nayeon by the collar of her hoodie, and kissed her.
She kissed her with a fervour that had laid dormant in her veins for far too long—kissed her hidden in a corner of the empty library for no one but the books to see. It was harsh and bruising and a lifetime of built up frustration that they both poured into the touch. Sana’s chest was heaving, felt like her lungs couldn’t take the oxygen in fast enough when she pulled back and saw Nayeon’s dazed expression for a split second before something determined settled in the older girl’s eyes.
“Do you want to go back to my house? To get some food?”
Sana was nodding before Nayeon could finish her sentence.
They didn’t get food.
They did stumble into Nayeon’s room, lips locked and hands roaming.
Nayeon did mumble, “I’ve never been with a girl, I-I’m not gay.”
Sana did look at her then, asked for permission.
And Nayeon gave it.
[...]
It went on like that for almost two months. Sana and Nayeon became study buddies and then… something else—something more. It was easy, Sana thought, being with Nayeon. When they weren’t bickering—which was still a constant battle—they found that they had a lot more in common than they knew. Nayeon filled in where Sana was lacking and Sana melded against the hollow parts of Nayeon like she belonged there.
It evolved from tension-filled quick lays into something that was gentle and fragile and hopeful, too. Nayeon would send Sana pictures of things she saw throughout the day with a smiley face and a “reminded me of u” . More often than not it would be something ugly like a bug or a garbage can, but sometimes she would send cute puppies or funny gifs. Hopelessly and sickeningly, it sent Sana’s stomach into a knot regardless. It didn’t take long for Sana to learn all about Nayeon either. About the things she loved and despised and cared about so much that her heart would burst just talking about them.
They never talked about it, though—the thing between them that was as stable as a stormy wave. Sana never needed to push a label onto anything, always wanted to respect Nayeon’s boundaries. It was the first time in her life that she had lied to Momo. Technically she didn’t lie , opting to believe she only withheld the truth when talking about the cute girl from her summer class that was really nothing serious—yet.
She wanted to tell her best friend every detail so terribly badly. Like how Nayeon’s hands were big enough to envelop hers completely, how she’d tell her embarrassingly corny facts throughout the day, how Nayeon prided herself on looking like a bunny, but was secretly terrified of them. She shared every aspect of her life with Momo, but it wasn’t her secret to share, and that was something she would have to respect.
Sana never struggled with her sexuality. She never had to come out or fight her own insecurities or vie for acceptance from her parents. Because one day when they were children, her and Momo kissed for no other reason than Sana thought she looked extra pretty in her yellow dress, and the next day, Sana told her mom she thought they were going to get married. Her mother only laughed and fueled her big dreams of a wedding with two brides.
For Sana, it was simple. As she got older, she realized that wasn’t the case for everyone—that not everyone knew love was unconditional. And that was why she vowed to herself to keep whatever she had with Nayeon a secret. It would be worth it in the end, anyway. Because Sana was sure Nayeon was the one for her and she’d hide from the world until the end of time, if that was what Nayeon needed. She figured, in fact, that that night was the perfect night to tell Nayeon as much..
She had received a text from the older girl asking her to come over because she needed to talk to her about something, and Sana couldn’t help the giddy smile stretching her cheeks because there was a promising feeling bubbling in her chest that told her Nayeon was finally ready to talk about whatever they had. Sana felt comfortable knowing there was a meaning behind every gaze and touch Nayeon sent her way—there was just no way anyone could look at a friend with as much affection as Nayeon did when she looked at Sana. It wasn’t a question at that point, Sana liked Nayeon and Nayeon liked Sana back, it didn’t need to be said out loud for both of them to understand.
She reached Nayeon’s house, creeping into the backyard before she checked her phone, reread the text of Nayeon telling her that her parents were asleep. She jumped up with practiced ease and latched onto the lattice that led up to Nayeon’s window, tapping on the glass four times. The window swung open and Sana was quick to guide herself inside.
She stood in front of Nayeon with the same soft smile on her lips that she had reserved for the older girl over the past couple of months. But, as she leaned in to greet her with a kiss, Nayeon pulled back abruptly.
“Sana,” she started. “I’m seeing someone.”
Oh.
Sana felt like she was falling, like a black hole had opened beneath her feet and swallowed her completely as Nayeon’s words rang through her head like a siren on repeat. Nayeon was seeing someone? Sana wanted to pinch herself to see if she was dreaming, if she had been dreaming up the past two months, because Sana was anything but naïve, she was sure her and Nayeon had become more than friends with benefits or whatever other nausea inducing affiliation she could think of. And maybe they didn’t have a definitive label, but she felt like Nayeon had just cheated on her.
“What?” She mumbled out dumbly, felt like her mouth was moving too slowly as she twisted her palms into fists at her side.
Her heart pounded in her ears as Nayeon stretched the horrible silence out for minutes, hours, years.
“I mean, you’re not surprised right? I told you I wasn’t gay.”
Sana’s eyes snapped up to Nayeon’s then. The words hit hard and Nayeon knew it. Sana saw something in the other girls’ eyes—conflict, maybe. Part of Sana knew Nayeon was trying to hurt her on purpose, hurt her so Sana wouldn’t fight for her.
“Nayeon…” she whispered, moving to reach a hand out and feeling her heart crack in two as Nayeon took a step back.
And then Nayeon did what she knew best, took a deep breath and covered her feelings with a smirk that made her face completely unreadable.
“This was just, like, an experiment,” Nayeon said then, the final nail in the coffin.
The words dug deeper than any superficial insult Nayeon could’ve thrown at her in the past ten years. Sana felt something curl and twist violently in her chest, felt steel walls shoot up through her ribcage to shield her heart from whatever Nayeon was trying to make her feel.
And then Sana did what she knew best.
“Oh, Nayeonnie,” she giggled with a smile so icy that she swore she could see the windows frost over, trapping them inside. “That’s alright.” Nayeon looked at her and Sana smirked as she saw the older girl trying hard to keep her face as passive as possible. “Being with a straight girl is kind of… boring. For the lack of a better word,” she sighed with faux sympathy, ignoring the way the words dug fissures into her heart, ignoring how much it hurt to slip back into this role.
She wanted to scream, wanted to take the words back as soon as they slipped from her tongue. They felt like acid dripping from her lips and she wanted to pull them back in before the weight could settle on either of their shoulders. Instead; “Or maybe it was just being with you,” she laughed again, laying her hand on Nayeon’s arm. “No hard feelings, really. But you should’ve let me give you that goodbye kiss,” Sana leaned forward until she was so close that she could feel Nayeon’s breath on her lower lip, tried not to let it tremble with emotion. “Now you’ll be left wondering what it would’ve felt like.”
She gave herself exactly one second to drink in the sight of Nayeon’s shocked expression before she led herself out the window for the last time. She didn’t let herself cry until she was in the safety of her bedroom with her door locked and her lights off.
Momo called her later that night, asked why she sounded like she was crying, Sana said she had just finished watching the finale of the drama they had started together. She lied to Momo for the second time, once again for Nayeon, and stared at the wall dejectedly as she let her best friend unknowingly spoil the entire episode that she hadn’t gotten around to watching yet.