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Neil tiptoed quietly down the stairs, clad only in his boxers. He supposed that if he continued to spend his nights here, he would need to bring over a robe and a toothbrush. To say that he had not been expecting to spend the night was putting it mildly. He had half-expected to have Alexis say that there was no future for them after everything they had lost and send him on his not so merry way. But even knowing that this was a likely possibility, he knew that he had to try. He was tired of existing in his own life rather than living, and his feelings for Alexis were strong enough to propel him to her doorstep, to fight for what he knew they could be together. As he made coffee to bring back up to the room, Neil reflected on the fact that this had to be the best choice he had made in forever. He felt the giddy joy that a teenager feels. He couldn't even feel regret for his lost career because, ultimately, it had led him to this place.
Although he had already spent one extremely passionate night with Alexis, that night had been fraught and rushed, but last night had been one of discovery and exploration. Alexis was more passionate than any woman he had ever been with and she was delightfully uninhibited. She was as open about her physical desires and needs as she was about her emotional ones and this allowed him the freedom to be completely himself, which he had never been able to do with his ex. He had always felt that his desires and needs were too intense for her but Alexis easily reflected his desires with her own. She was his perfect partner in every way.
Looking forward to waking Alexis up with his kisses and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, Neil eagerly entered their room and halted, shocked at the scene he encountered. Alexis was distraught, sitting up in bed, shaking and sobbing violently, tears running down her face, Frightened, Neil quickly put down the coffee and rushed over to Alexis.
He quickly jumped into bed beside her, hugged her to him, questioning urgently: "Alexis, Alexis, what happened? Are you alright?"
Alexis looked at him in shock, as if she could not believe what she was seeing. She muttered, " My God, I've completely lost it. I'm hallucinating now. I swear that I can see him right here, in bed, touching me. I've truly lost touch with reality."
Tears continued to stream down her face. "Is it you?" She asked, tentatively, stroking her hands up and down his back, doubting the evidence of her own eyes.
"Were you expecting someone else?" Neil asked, dryly. "What's going on Alexis?" Neil gently pulled Alexis into his lap, so that her back rested against his chest. He firmly clasped her to him. "I'm here; talk to me."
"I don't believe this. It was so real." Alexis murmured, sighing in relief. "I don't have dreams like this. I rarely remember my dreams. This was so vivid, every single detail. It was a nightmare though, not a dream."
"It's true that unlike most of my patients, you rarely came into therapy with a dream for me to interpret. Of course, there was that one time..." Neil trailed off, realizing this probably wasn't the best time to remind Alexis of her sex dream about Julian. He did manage to elicit a small smile from Alexis, as she nodded, her face reddening.
"Yes, well, apart from that rare occasion, this doesn't happen to me."
"What exactly are we talking about here? What happened in this nightmare?"
Alexis turned her head to look at Neil. "It's okay; I'm fine now. We don't have to get into the details."
"Alexis," grated Neil. "You know better than that. Suppressing it won't take away its power; talking about it: will."
"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you. You may regret hearing about this."
Neil smiled. "I will never regret helping you with your feelings. And dreams and nightmares," he paused, " they emerge from your feelings, even if they are buried in your subconscious."
Alexis sighed shakily. "I woke up earlier than you, in my dream, and I decided to go down and brew some fresh coffee for us." Alexis paused, and looked at the night table, where Neil had set down two cups of coffee."
She felt Neil's chest rumble comfortingly against her back as he chuckled. "Great minds..." he murmured.
"When I came back to the room, I decided to wake you up with another foot massage." She smiled softly. "You did seem to enjoy it last night, and what followed..." Alexis voice drifted off as she recalled their intense lovemaking as she had massaged Neil's various erogenous zones.
"I did, Alexis, more than I can say." Neil husked, gently running his hands through her hair.
"Yes, well, this time I realized that your feet were cold, really cold," Alexis shivered, "and then when I tried to wake you up, I found you stiff and unresponsive. Neil, you were dead." Alexis voice had risen. "It was surreal and yet, it felt completely real. They took you out of here in a body bag." At this, Alexis burst into tears.
"Alexis, shh, shh," Neal soothed, "I'm here. It never happened. It was a nightmare. Obviously, an intense nightmare."
"It was devastating - all the details - I moved in with Sam and Jason - Sam insisted - I'm not sure why that seemed normal but it did - and Jason's expression when he found out I was moving in- very realistic- Sam thought it would be morbid for me to stay in the home you died in - then," Alexis murmured brokenly, panting from speaking without taking a breath, "they did an autopsy." Alexis stopped abruptly, to take a hiccupy breath.
"Breathe Alexis," Neil said calmly, gently pulling her up against him, stroking her shoulders and arms as he hugged her tight. As his warmth seeped through her sheer nightgown, Alexis steadied her breathing. "Good girl. Now, I'm curious though, what did the autopsy show?"
Alexis sighed. " Well, this is where it gets weird." Looking up at Neil's eyes rolling, Alexis corrected, "Right, I should have said, even weirder. You died from a drug overdose!"
"You're joking. Hmm, you're not joking." Neil looked intrigued. "That is strange." Neil noticed Alexis looking at him suspiciously. He smiled. "What, you think your subconscious noticed I was hiding my mysterious drug use from you? Maybe, there were signs you were ignoring? Alexis, I can assure you that I do not have a substance abuse problem. I have never given you any reason to believe that, have I?"
"No, but I haven't seen you for a few weeks. Remember, we've been avoiding each other."
"Alexis, I missed you a lot, but, and don't take this the wrong way, not enough to try to escape reality by doing drugs. Remember, I lost my daughter in a horrible way and I did numb myself to avoid the pain, but I used my work to do that. I think I'm just too aware of the damage that drugs and alcohol do because I've been living it vicariously through my patients for years now. You have nothing to worry about."
"I'm not worried - after all, who am I to worry? We both know my history and my present. I will always be an alcoholic, but I don't ever want you to ever hide anything from me. Been there - done that."
Alexis felt Neils lips gently brush her cheek and nuzzle her neck. She shivered in reaction. "Alexis," Neil breathed softly, "I think we both understand the importance of transparency in a relationship. I love your honesty and I would never disrespect you by giving you anything less than complete and total honesty in return."
Alexis smiled, loving how Neil always knew exactly the right thing to say. "Well, then, oh mighty former shrink," Alexis asked, noticing Neil raising an eyebrow at the word 'former', "if I have nothing to worry about, then why did I have this nightmare?"
"Hmph," Neil grunted.
"What does 'hmph' mean?" Alexis asked, smirking as she realized that Neil was echoing the conversation they had when they first met.
"It's not for me to say, as a 'former' shrink," Neil shot back, his eyes gleaming.
"Well, I think you have every right to tell me what you think, considering that you were deceased in my dream."
"Okay, Alexis," Neil said solemnly, mentally donning his 'shrink' hat, "let's analyze this. What happened last night to make you anxious or afraid?"
"Only wonderful things happened," Alexis answered softly, feeling her face redden as she continued. "We reconnected and we decided to go forward together and we made love and it was beautiful and amazing."
Neil smiled gently, pressing his cheek against hers, and murmured, "I agree; it was everything."
Alexis smiled, turning to face Neil as she said, "I have never been happier. I don't understand why I would have such a horrible nightmare."
"What has happened in the past when you found happiness?" Neil asked, thoughtfully.
Alexis started. "I, inevitably, lost everything," she answered softly, realizing what Neil was hinting at. "It never ends well; in fact, it always ends in disaster. Being happy means I have something to lose and it makes me vulnerable."
Neil nodded, as always impressed by Alexis's self-awareness and her ability to view herself objectively. "Alexis, I think this is the crux of the matter and it's something we've touched on before: do you feel that you finally deserve to be happy?"
"I want to feel that way. Logically, I know that I'm a good person - I've made mistakes, a lot of mistakes- but I do want to be happy and I think I deserve it."
"You do, Alexis! You deserve all the happiness in the world. And, you're way more than just a 'good' person, way more, and I intend to keep telling you that until you believe it utterly and completely. I think that we are both overdue for some happiness."
Neil pulled her urgently into his arms, and as her arms went around him and she lifted her lips to his, she knew that from this moment, she would never waste a single second of their time together. One day, her nightmare might become a reality and she intended to live each day, until that happened, to its fullest, hopefully in the arms of the man she had fallen so desperately in love with.