Work Text:
Breathe deep, breathe clear, know that I'm here
Stay strong, stay gold, you don't have to fear
I.
He isn't bad for you, no, but you're angry, you're so angry. Maybe the others would be surprised at you, because you always seem to react so calmly to everything, but he fucked up. And you're mad at yourself for caring that he hurt you when you should really be trying to help Hero. God, you want him, he's your best friend for Heaven's sakes, and half your songs are about him, damn it.
II.
You only see him at school anymore, and you avoid looking him in the eyes when you do. You can't bear to right now, can't face it. That you're still in love with him, after all this, when he's clearly not interested. When you've almost given up hope that he'll ever be able to redeem himself for what he's done.
Lately it's hard to listen to your favorite songs without feeling an ache in your chest, anger in the pit of your stomach. You know you're missing something that you'd never had- the warmth of his hand in yours, how it seemed like, maybe, just maybe, he looked at you in a way that was almost tender when you made him laugh. Suddenly everything you believed about love is a lie. Love won't set you free. It will only betray you, and that's all it ever would've done.
III.
Things are starting to get back to how they used to be, slowly. Ursula's organized a picnic for the group this weekend.
One day you're sitting at the tree where you used to wait for him to finish football practice, practicing a new song, and all of a sudden he's in front of you, with a sad look on his face and his hands just fallen to his sides. He looks defeated.
For a minute you just look at each other, till finally he realizes you're waiting for him to speak. He sighs and says, "look, I know you're not talking to me right now and everyone's really angry at me but - you're my best friend. And I need to tell you something, because I've been hiding it for a long time - and I know I can't make excuses for anything I did, but I just wanted you to know, and everyone, I guess, I don't care who knows anymore."
You're gaze softens a bit, and you wait, patiently but expectantly, and you think that encourages him a bit, because he clears his throat and says, "Balth, I'm bisexual. And I think - I've just been really confused. About a lot of things. So I'm sorry for hurting you. And I know I keep apologizing but I still feel like it's not enough."
You smile at him. "Okay," you tell him. "Okay." He smiles back and sits down next to you, and you go back to strumming your guitar.
IV.
You follow him out of Bea's bedroom, leaving Ben and John behind. Everything's out on the table now, it's all been there, since the Ode and since you let Bea and Ben post that video saying you had a crush on Pedro. You've been waiting- hoping - for Pedro to come around. You've been waiting for this moment since Year 9, since you first heard his voice, since the first time you wrote a song with him in your brain. Your hands are clammy and all that bold, easy confidence you had in Bea's room a moment ago turns into a desperate sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. You can't believe the two of you have just been joking about potential boyfriends for him. He'd told you that he wanted to tell the others that he was bi, he said he didn't care if you brought it up, but now you're worried it was too much. Maybe you'd pushed him too far, and he isn't ready. God, what if he doesn't even feel the same way as you do?
"Balth - Balthazar - shit, ok, I get it know. I knew you weren't joking when you wrote the Ode, but I wasn't brave enough, I couldn't let myself believe that maybe you - and then everything happened and I just fucked up so badly and. And I know I don't deserve you-"
"Pedro", you say quietly, and finally, finally he listens. "That isn't true. I forgive you, Hero's forgiven you, Bea's coming round-"
"Shit, Balthazar", Pedro says as he runs his fingers through his hair. "It's not just that - I mean, it is, but. When I told you that I was - bi, I think part of me was still waiting for you to make the first move. But you already did that, months ago, and it's taken me forever to realize that."
You realize that you are holding your breath, that you can hear your heartbeat in your ears, and here you are, standing with the boy you've loved for ages in Bea's hall. And there's no more waiting.
"What I'm trying to say," Pedro goes on, "is that I - I'm in love with you". He's still holding your gaze, even though his cheeks are flushed and his voice is cracking. You exhale, and smile a bit, and when you lean in, he closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath. And you know you've both been waiting for this forever, so you take his hands in yours as your lips press against him. And it's better than anything you could have hoped, like he fills your entire body with light.
You kiss, for the first time, in your friend's hallway, and it's perfect.
V.
Things aren't easy, all the time, but you can't help but smile when you think how much better things are when he's kissing you. He still makes your breath catch in your throat when he smiles at you, but now you don't have to sit in your room, playing sad love songs on your guitar and pining after your best friend. He's careful around you, unsure at first, like he doesn't want to mess this up. You know he won't, though.
So you wear his sweaters and keep writing songs about him, and he doesn't hide who he is anymore.
You hold his hand in the hall at school and notice it fits perfectly with yours.