Chapter Text
Benji Campbell was tired. He was tired of never feeling good enough, he was tired of his parents not being able to understand that this is who is his, and that’s okay. He was tired of Derek, and the way he would always speak down to Benji and make him feel lesser. He was tired of feeling completely alone all the time. Benji was just really damn tired.
Something Benji could never get tired of though was the way Victor Salazar smiled. The way he laughed. The way his eyes would light up like they held the very core of the sun.
Benji knew, in theory, that these thoughts were not thoughts that one should have about a boy who was not your boyfriend. Especially when said boy had just recently come out as gay. But Benji couldn't help it, and goddammit if he didn’t deserve one thing that made him happy to think about.
“No” Taunts a voice in Benji’s mind that sounds disturbingly like Derek’s. “You don’t deserve it. What have you ever done to deserve something good?” The voice wasn’t Derek’s anymore. It was his own voice, his own insecurities. “You will never be worthy of anything good.”
Benji was used to this though. Used to his own head constantly reminding him that he would never be worthy of anything good, that he was cursed to love more than he would ever be loved in return because honestly, who would ever love him? Derek certainly doesn’t, as was reminded in the three text messages Benji had just gotten from his boyfriend.
Can’t make it tn
Last minute plans
Ttyl
Perfect. No explanation, no apology for flaking on the fourth date in the last three weeks. Hell, the last time Benji had seen Derek was at their disaster of an anniversary. But of course Derek had last-minute plans. Of course Benji could never be more important. Of course Benji could never be first, not even to his own boyfriend. Benji texts a quick ‘okay, talk later’ to Derek and throws his phone into the backseat of his car. He bangs his head against the steering wheel, tears welling up in his eyes. He lets them fall, doesn’t blink them away. It feels good, almost, and he starts to sob, his shoulders shaking, pathetic little whimpers coming out of his mouth.
A knock on the window startles him, and he jumps in his seat. He can see a face through the window, a worried face. He blinks his eyes a few times to clear them. It’s Victor, he realizes, and his heart beats a little faster with that realization.
Benji just kind of stays there staring at Victor through the window, until Victor moves to the other side of the car, opens the passenger door, and sits down.
“Benji, what's wrong?” Victor asks, and Benji breaks down again, because of course it's Victor who’s asking, who cares. It’s always Victor. “Hey, shhh, you’re okay.” Victor reaches over and puts his arms around Benji, pulls Benji close to his chest. This causes Benji to cry even harder, feeling ecstatic about being held and guilty all at once. Victor just continues to hold him, and rubs comforting circles on Benji’s back, whispering softly into his ear. “You’re okay, everything's okay, I got you.”
Finally, Benji’s hiccuping dies down and he can think straight again. Realizing the position he’s in, he flinches away from Victor, no matter how much his heart is telling him to stay in Victor's embrace and never leave. Benji sniffles one last time and wipes at his eyes.
“I’m sorry, about that,” Benji says.
“Don’t apologize,” Victor says, his face still lined with worry, and Benji just wishes it would light up with one of those soothing smiles Benji loves so much. “What’s going on Benji?”
Benji hesitates. “Umm, I-” Victor smiles reassuringly then, and Benji melts a little at that. “I want to break up with Derek,” he blurts out softly.
Victor’s eyes widen a little. “Oh, umm okay. Can I ask why?”
Because I think I’m in love with you. This could be Benji’s chance. This could be his chance to finally do something to make himself happy.
“You don’t deserve anything good.”
“I just think it’s best for me,” Benji says, tears burning in the corner of his eyes again. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I wish you could hold me forever. Victor smiles at him again, but something in his eyes flickers. Benji almost thinks it’s a concern, but he doesn't want to get his hopes up too high.
“Are you gonna be okay?” Victor asks his hand on the door handle. Benji nods, and Victor pulls him into one last warm, safe, secure hug. Benji inhales the smell of Victor one last time, again wanting nothing more than to just stay in these safe, safe arms. Instead, he releases Victor and smiles at him.
“Thanks, Vic,” he says.
“No problem,” Victor says, before opening the car door.
“You’re so annoying Benji, stop causing problems,” Victor could make the voices disappear. Victor's hugs could make Benji feel safe. Victor’s smiles could make Benji feel loved.
Benji was tired of the demons in his mind, was tired of being his own worst enemy. If Victor could care about Benji enough to hold him as he cried, Benji could do this. He was going to do this because he was tired of being tired. He didn’t want to feel alone anymore.