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The music in the club was pounding and Felix could feel it in his bones. He was stood in the bathroom corridor, it was a long, poorly lit corridor near the entrance from where he wasn’t able to see the rest of the club. The club was huge, with multiple bars, booths and tables and a big dance floor. He had lost his friends some time ago and had decided to take a breather, retreating to a calmer part of the club. It was well past midnight and he had been dancing for hours. He had considered going outside to get some fresh air, but had chosen not to, he would rather have a friend or two with him to do that.
Their little group of friends had decided to go out to celebrate, midterms had just passed and they were all happy the exams were done. It called for a celebration and they had decided to hit the clubs on this Saturday night. Felix wasn’t big on alcohol but he did enjoy a few drinks and especially the dancing.
He had been dancing with Hyunjin, Jisung and Minho a while ago until he had lost them in the sea of people. Chan and Jeongin had been getting drinks at the bar when Felix had seen them the last time whereas Seungmin and Changbin had gone to the bathroom together two hours earlier and Felix hadn’t seen them after that. Felix stepped around the corner to scan the club for his friends, he wasn’t able to see much and couldn’t spot any them.
His heart jumped when he spotted someone who definitely was not his friend. He quickly looked away, hoping the other hadn’t and wouldn’t see him. Felix couldn’t resist taking another peek at him though, he just wanted to make sure it was who he thought it was. Felix’s chest squeezed uncomfortably when he looked at the man, it was his ex-boyfriend, there was no doubt. He quickly looked away when Eunjae turned his head. Quickly, he rounded the corner again and walked further into the corridor to get away from Eunjae’s line of sight, hoping the other hadn’t seen him.
-
Felix and Eunjae had been together for two years, they had met when Felix had been on his second year of university and Eunjae on his third. It had been Felix’s first serious relationship and he thought it had been perfect. But it hadn’t, he just hadn’t known what Eunjae had been doing behind his back.
He had been suspicious sometimes, not really knowing what could possibly be going on. Eunjae had acted strange. Left his calls and text unanswered for hours, not that Felix expected an answer immediately but when it had nearly been 24 hours, it was unusual that he still couldn’t get ahold of his boyfriend. They also fought more, but it was never anything major. Eunjae started cancelling some of their dates and was often too busy to even meet Felix, but Felix tried to understand, they were both university students after all and he knew how stressful it was and how busy one could be. He thought they were doing well despite everything.
The strange behavior only went on for a few months until one night Felix found out how Eunjae hadn’t been busy with school work, oh no.
Felix had slept over at Eunjae’s place the night before, Eunjae lived alone while Felix shared an apartment with Chan and Minho so the two of them often preferred to stay at Eunjae’s place rather than in the crowded apartment. Felix had forgotten his laptop to Eunjae’s when he had left hours before and was planning on picking it up quickly before going home. Eunjae hadn’t been answering his calls or texts, Felix assumed he was busy but fortunately he had a key to the apartment, Eunjae had given it to him six months into them dating.
He had arrived at the apartment and let himself in, not bothering with the doorbell, he would just quickly get in and out. He spotted the laptop on the living room table and went to grab it, he stuffed it in his bag and was about to leave when he heard noises over the music blasting in his earphones. He froze for a second before figuring out that Eunjae must be home, he paused his music and headed for the bedroom.
When he heard the noises again, his heart dropped. The moaning was so loud, he could recognize Eunjae but the other voice was unfamiliar to him. He felt betrayed, angry, heartbroken and much more. For a second, he had considered leaving, but trashed the idea. He needed to know, he wanted an explanation.
The confrontation had not been pretty. Eunjae had been shocked at first until he started yelling and blaming Felix. Eunjae’s partner clearly knew about Felix as they didn’t seem too shocked to find out Eunjae had a boyfriend. They just stayed quiet and kept rolling their eyes every time Felix spoke. At least the both of them had had the decency to get out of the bed and cover themselves with the blankets.
Felix couldn’t remember much about the fight, nor did he want to. Eunjae had just spewed bullshit out of his mouth, making Felix feel shittier than ever. He had justified his need to find another sexual partner by Felix’s lack of desire to explore in the bedroom. He accused Felix of often leading him on by being clingy and intimate, but then not wanting to take it further. They did have sex, Felix just wasn’t in the mood as often as Eunjae, but he had never pressured Felix so he had thought Eunjae had been okay with it.
In addition, Eunjae called Felix boring and annoying overall, saying how he really had been in love for a long time, but recently Felix just had gotten unbearable. The more Eunjae had gone on, the more Felix had felt his heart break. Tears had welled up in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks as he had yelled back at the man.
In the end Eunjae had yelled at him to get out, they were over and Eunjae never wanted to see Felix again. Felix had felt the same, letting Eunjae know how much he hated him before rushing out of the apartment.
He had been a mess when he got home, he was pretty sure he scared Chan to death.
His friends had been and still were a huge support, they helped him get over Eunjae and the heartbreak. It had been tough at first, sometimes he had found himself missing Eunjae, missed the feeling of being loved. But then he remembered his words and actions, which just made him hurt all over again. His self-esteem had taken a huge hit, he had lost his motivation for everything and barely passed his courses. But he was getting better, learning to stand on his own again, though he definitely wasn’t ready for another relationship yet.
-
“Hi, Felix,” a voice suddenly said next to him loudly and Felix flinched hard. He lifted his gaze to see Eunjae standing right in front of him. Felix grimaced, feeling his heart beating faster and a lump forming in his throat. He didn’t want to see Eunjae and wished he at least had his friends with him. But they were nowhere to be seen and Felix was left to deal with his ex alone.
Felix had not seen Eunjae after leaving his apartment six months ago. He hadn’t spoken to him and neither of them had texted each other either, Eunjae hadn’t tried to contact or approach him at all. Felix had been more than happy about it and couldn’t help but wonder why Eunjae now wanted to chat with him.
“No,” Felix said and turned his head away, crossing his arms on his chest.
“Hey, don’t be like that. I just wanted to see what’s up, maybe we could dance a little?” Eunjae said, taking a step forward.
“No, I don’t want to see you. Please, leave,” Felix said, his voice trembled a little but he hoped Eunjae couldn’t hear it. He felt so uncomfortable. He wanted to look for his friends again but couldn’t see around the corner, not being able to find them made him panic even more. He should’ve just stayed closer to them on the dance floor, so he wouldn’t be all alone now.
“I don’t think I will. You’re begging for attention dressed like that. How come you never dressed like this for me?” Eunjae said, a sly smirk on his face. Felix stepped back, now having his back pressed against the wall, and squeezed his eyes shut as Eunjae got even closer.
Truly, Felix had gone all out with his outfit tonight, he had wanted to feel good and confident. He had combat boots on his feet and a black pleated skirt reaching his mid-thigh with fishnets underneath, a small bag hanging on the skirt for his essentials like phone and money. He had gone for a plain white t-shirt with the top. And really, he had felt good in the outfit until now.
Eunjae leaned closer and slipped his hand just under the hem of the skirt, squeezing Felix’s thigh. Felix’s heart was hammering in his chest and his breath got stuck in his throat. He felt nauseous, he needed to get away from the man. He snatched Eunjae’s wrist, squeezing it tightly so Eunjae would let go of his thigh.
“Let. Go. I don’t want this,” Felix said, his voice shaking but stern. Eunjae scoffed but pulled his hand back. Yet, he didn’t back away from Felix and stayed right in front of him, so close that they were nearly touching.
“I see. The same prude as before,” he said, rolling his eyes. Felix glared at him, wrapping his arms around his shaking body again and pressing harder against the wall. Eunjae shook his head and seemed to mumble something but Felix couldn’t hear him, the music was too loud. Eunjae then look at him with a smile on his face.
“Would you like to get lunch together some day? We could maybe catch up at a better time?” he suggested. Felix couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Eunjae treated him like shit all those months ago, now came to harass him and then dared to ask him for lunch as if he was going to accept.
“Who do you think you are?! I don’t want to see you, leave me alone,” Felix snapped, taking a step to the right so he could get away. Eunjae didn’t look too happy, he slammed his hand on the wall to block Felix’s route.
“Don’t be such a bitch, we haven’t seen in such a long time,” Eunjae spoke lowly right next to Felix’s ear. His other hand found its way to Felix’s waist, pinning him on the wall. Felix felt like he was going to pass out or throw up, he needed to get away. He needed help.
Eunjae kept talking but Felix didn’t listen. He tried to look for help but there weren’t many people around, every now and then someone stumbled in or out of the bathrooms but they seemed to be too drunk to notice Felix’s distress or just didn’t care.
But it seemed like the luck was on his side, after all. Jisung suddenly appeared at the end of the corridor and Felix locked eyes with him. His relief was shortly lived because suddenly Eunjae grabbed his jaw, forcing Felix to look at him. Felix started trashing in his grip, heart hammering in his chest.
“Let go!” he screeched.
“Felix!” Jisung yelled, Felix could barely hear him over the music.
“Jisung! Help!” he screamed, seeming to scare Eunjae who jumped back, finally letting go of Felix. Felix was able to look at his friend and noticed Chan jogging right behind Jisung with everyone else a little further back as well. Eunjae turned to look at them and Felix could see the moment they recognized the man. Both Jisung’s and Chan’s faces turned into scowls and Jisung’s eyes were blazing. They were next to Felix in a second.
“What do you think you’re doing! Get the fuck away!” Jisung screamed and Eunjae rolled his eyes, taking a step back. Felix felt like he could finally breathe when Chan stepped between him and Eunjae, forcing the other man even further away. But at the same time, it felt like suddenly everything was crashing on him. His ears started ringing and legs shaking, he could barely hear the trio in front of him talk. Chan was threatening to get the security if Eunjae wouldn’t leave but Felix couldn’t hear how Eunjae reacted.
Felix was about to slide on the floor, his legs giving up, when a hand grabbed his arm and other hand found his waist. He let out a whimper, trying to get away from the grabbing hands.
“Felix, it’s me. You’re okay, it’s okay. We’re here to help,” someone spoke to his ear and relief washed over him as he recognized the voice immediately as Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin was standing on his right, holding his arm, while Minho was on his other side with an arm around his waist. His vision was a little blurry, he hadn’t even realized he had started crying.
“I want to go home, I want to go home…” the words kept tumbling out of his mouth and he couldn’t stop repeating the same sentence over and over again. Hyunjin tried to say something to him but he couldn’t hear what, he just wanted home.
“We’re leaving! Just leave him… And you, don’t you ever try to speak to him, don’t even look at him!” Minho’s angry voice pierced through Felix’s haze and he was finally able to stop his own words. Through the blur he could see Jisung still barking at Eunjae, Chan standing next to him and Changbin was holding Eunjae’s collar. He didn’t get to see the rest of his friends before Hyunjin and Minho started tugging him towards the exit.
Felix, Minho and Chan’s apartment was close to the club they had been at, just like Seungmin and Changbin, they too lived near their university campus and all the popular clubs students went to. As they left the club, everyone came to the quick conclusion that they would all crash at their place, it was the biggest one after all and only a 15-minute walk away. Seungmin and Changbin’s apartment was just as close but it was much smaller whereas Jeongin, Hyunjin and Jisung lived in the dormitories.
The crisp air outside helped Felix clear his head and calm down. The tears had stopped and he could breathe easier, and even walk on his own. Though Jisung and Hyunjin were holding both his hands. Taking a deep breath Felix spoke for the first time:
“I’m sorry we had to leave already. I didn’t expect to react so strongly,” he said, starting to feel ashamed of his extreme reaction. Jisung squeezed his hand tightly.
“You have nothing to apologize for, your reaction was totally valid. He had no right to come harass you like that,” Chan said and Felix could tell he was angry. He sniffled, remembering how he had repeatedly told Eunjae to leave him alone, but he hadn’t listened. Felix told this to his friends and they were seething with anger.
“I want to punch his face in,” Jisung growled and Felix let out a laugh, Jisung wasn’t a violent person and Felix couldn’t even imagine him punching anyone.
“Don’t laugh, I’d do anything for you,” Jisung pouted.
“And I appreciate it, thank you,” Felix said and nuzzled his face on Jisung’s shoulder.
-
Once they reached home, Felix beelined to the bathroom to take a shower. He was absolutely freezing so the hot water was more than welcome. He scrubbed the yucky feeling away from his body and put on his pajamas: sweatpants and a hoodie. Feeling warm and cozy he trudged to the living room. Everyone took turns getting ready and soon enough everyone was sitting in the living room, not really knowing what to do. The walk back home had sobered everyone up and no one seemed to be tired enough to sleep.
“Should we order food? I’m craving some chicken… Or maybe burgers?” Jisung suggested.
“It’s half two in the morning,” Jeongin pointed out but Jisung just shrugged.
“So what? They do deliveries all night and it’s not like we have anything else to do?”
Felix didn’t pay attention as everyone around him started deciding what to order. Chan even went to get some beer and soju from their fridge, but Felix didn’t know if he was able to eat or drink. He couldn’t stop thinking about Eunjae and the whole incident. He didn’t know how he once had willingly have the man touch him, when now the touches lingering on his skin made him sick.
It had taken his friends the longest time to make him understand that he was not the one to blame for Eunjae infidelity, that he wasn’t annoying or boring or unbearable, like Eunjae had told him. It had taken even longer for Felix to finally believe them. But having faced Eunjae again made all the hurt and doubts resurface.
“Lix, which one would you prefer?” Hyunjin asked, snapping him out of his thoughts.
“Huh?”
Hyunjin listed the options and Felix shook his head.
“I don’t care, I’m not really hungry,” he shrugged. Hyunjin frowned, looking worried, but didn’t press it.
“Lixie, talk to me,” Chan said, he was sitting on Felix’s left and wrapped his arm around Felix’s shoulders, pulling him closer. “Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
“I just… I never really thought about how I would react to seeing him again,” Felix started, feeling anxious again. Chan rubbed his arm to help him relax.
“And it… It really made all the feelings resurface, I thought I had gotten over it all but seeing him again… It doesn’t seem like I have and… He touched me and I… I didn’t like it and I can’t believe how I used to let him touch me,” he rambled, feeling the lump in his throat grow. He startled when Seungmin, sitting on his other side, took his hand.
“Lix, you are not to blame for anything. You’re healing on your own pace and this is the first time you’re seeing him in months, it’s understandable it makes the feelings come back. But you know you can work through them and we support you wholeheartedly,” Seungmin said. Felix felt tears sting his eyes again but quickly rubbed them away, he didn’t want to cry.
“You’ll be okay, Lixie. And what comes to the touching… He shouldn’t have touched you today in the first place, not without your consent. And you can’t blame yourself for having enjoyed his touches before, it was different then, and most importantly, it was consensual,” Chan said, sounding serious. Felix sighed and leaned further into Chan.
“Yeah, I guess that’s true. I’ll be okay.”
Felix ended up squeezed tightly between Chan and Seungmin, as Changbin fit himself between the armrest and Seungmin. It was a tight fit but he felt safe. His mood lifted up a little as his friends joked around and Jeongin turned on the Switch. Felix didn’t feel like playing himself but enjoyed watching everyone else fool around. The food arrived quickly and despite not having much of an appetite Felix managed to eat the food Seungmin fed him.
When the time for bed came, Minho offered his room for Seungmin and Changbin while he himself asked to sleep with Felix. Felix didn’t refuse, he’d feel much better having someone next to him. Hyunjin and Jisung got the couch for themselves and Chan let Jeongin sleep in his bed with him.
Felix was content as he cuddled into Minho in his bed. He was cold and shaken but Minho was a warm and steady presence, making him feel safe and loved.
“You know, Lix, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that asshole. And I’m sorry you ever had to go through that horrible breakup. I know I don’t need to apologize, it’s not my fault, but I just feel so sorry. You’re and amazing person and you don’t deserve any of the shit you get,” Minho spoke quietly as they laid in the bed facing each other. Felix felt warmth spread around his body.
“Thank you… For everything, really. You and everyone else has been a huge support for me today and in the past months. I don’t know what I’d done without you,” Felix said, voice trembling with emotion. Minho didn’t reply, just tightened his hold on Felix and pulled him closer.
The next morning he woke up feeling much better. Sleeping on his feelings and thoughts had done wonders. He laid in his bed, listening to Minho’s breathing and just went over his thoughts. Eunjae was an asshole who just wanted to put all the blame on Felix when he himself was the one who fucked up. Felix knew he was enough, even thought Eunjae had made him feel otherwise, and he wouldn’t let one meeting change that.
He hoped he’d never have to see Eunjae again, and if he did, he wanted to be the one punching him. As he voiced the thought during breakfast, Jisung and Hyunjin cheered. Chan just snorted and shook his head.
As they enjoyed their breakfast, Felix let his mind wonder. He thought about relationships and wondered when he’d be ready for a new one. It had been months since his breakup but ever since he had been very unsure if he ever wanted to be in a relationship again, and yesterday’s incident made him even more unsure. The way his friends cared for him and supported him, made him feel more confident though. Maybe one day he’d be ready for a relationship. He did want to be loved and to love someone like that.
He glanced over the table at his friend and smiled to himself. He had someone in mind already, but the feelings were very new and he hadn’t told anyone about it. Maybe one day.