Chapter Text
Chapter One: Wanting Nails
Yui was dead.
A thousand other thoughts should have been his focus at the moment, but it all kept looping back around that. Yui was dead. Kind, smart, benevolent, too good for this sinful earth and certainly too good for him Yui was gone. Vanished into Unit-01 with no chance of returning, despite his efforts and a litany of curses hurled at Drs Akagi and Fuyutsuki. He couldn't even figure out who to blame. Was it a SEELE plot, or Yui's own design? Assassination or set-up for a grander plan he could only guess at? Maybe it was fate, a random occurrence or simply just an accident. Gendo was favouring spite right now. Clearly God, or whatever was close to it, had chosen to give its favourite chew toy another kick, just when he'd finally become settled, happy even, with the life he'd forged for himself.
Settled in his lap, Yui's child gave a kick, eyelids flickering rapidly as he dreamed. To be honest, it was more likely a nightmare. Watching one's mother die before your eyes would do that. Hopefully he would forget it soon, as children were wont to do at his age, and go back to… doing whatever it was his son did. Which probably involved Yui, as God knew Gendo Ikari was not good with children, especially his own. Or anyone other than… dead. She was still dead. Fuck.
But the fact remained. Even with Yui gone, Third Impact would happen one way or the other, with or without his intervention. The members of SEELE, vein, fearful old men that they were, would not stop in their desires for immortally. Ownership over what was left of the rest of humanity was just a bonus that came with the price of admission. They were going to stop it once. Take control of Instrumentality away from the old bastards and save the world… or was the plan to help all men ascend to that state prophesized as "Heaven"? Damn it all, would the struggle even be worth it without her?
He pitched forward, rubbing his eyes as heretic plans began to fester. Simple ideas with the greatest of consequences.
To do so would be turning his back on everything she had stood for. It might even end up making him as bad as the old men if handled incorrectly… well; it wasn't like he hadn't stared into the abyss before. It was practically a hobby at this point. On his lap, the boy yawned, shifting into the palm preventing him from slipping onto the floor head-first. Which brought Gendo back to his other problem. He had no idea how to raise a child, hell, he could barely deal with other people, despite Yui's best attempts to pull him out of his shell. And history had an unfortunate habit of repeating. Could the world really deal with two Gendo Ikaris? The thought sent a shiver up his spine, as unwanted memories came unbidden from the back of his mind.
The shadow looming over him, bottle in hand and malice swimming in the glint of its eyes.
The stares of other children, hushed whispers in hallways and a sea of backs wherever he would turn.
The gangly teenager built like steel wire, glaring back at him with a corpse's gaze from a broken mirror.
A mix of a hundred unimportant faces, features blurred by alcohol as fists flew with reckless abandon.
Yui, standing at the mouth of an alleyway looking down on him as shafts of morning sunlight enveloped her form.
Yui had stepped into Unit-01 for Shinji's sake. There were meanings below meanings there, words unheard even by him, her husband. But he could divine enough, and he knew what she would have wanted. If he chose to raise Yui's son, the long path to bringing her back would become longer. He would have to become better than he was, actually try to form bonds with another person. And then there was the matter of the actual raising. Keep the boy alive, keep him on a straight and narrow road that Gendo himself had never walked, making sure he grew up ready for the trials that lay before humanity. He'd be an Evangelion Pilot, of that there could be no doubt. Unit-01 would probably only respond to him now, if they were unlucky. And Lady Luck hadn't so much as glanced his way in years.
Or, he could ship him off to Yui's sister and her family. Better to have no father than one who could barely care for himself, let alone a child. Her branch of the family had never seen eye-to-eye with him, but they would take in his nephew without complaint. It would likely be a cold household, and it risked the boy growing up to be anything, perhaps even something out of Gendo's control. But it would be easier. He could once again become the man with a heart of stone without the boy with Yui's features looking at him every day.
"Dad? Is Mama back?"
He jerked to attention, shocked by the sudden voice. Hesitantly, he rested his free hand on the boy's head, staring into those hopeful, dark blue eyes, one of the few features he inherited from his father. If Yui's son was to have any fortune, it would be all he took from his father.
"Your mother isn't returning Shinji… she's gone."
So blunt that his words could have cracked concrete, but straight and to the point. Sugar coatings were for medicines - the pain life gave out had to be taken on the chest, so that it would be dulled by time all the faster.
He wished that his own bleeding heart could start to scab over a little quicker, and stop pointing out the right course of action.
"Gon'?"
"Yes… yes, she is."
And so began the waterworks, the child resting his head into Gendo's chest and howling as he left a trail of tears and snot across his sweater, arms wrapped tightly around his father. A hand found his back in turn, not to comfort but to keep him from falling backwards in his misery. This was what he would have to endure if he fulfilled Yui's wishes. Raising a child that felt more his wife's than his own, struggling through the pain of her disappearance, trying to fill the gap left behind by someone undoubtedly his better, and having to play not only at the petty politicking that would be required to see them ready to survive heaven's messengers, but also the more dangerous game with the souls of humanity on the line at the same time. Even if he did take him in, it was likely that they'd be estranged regardless - there would simply be too much to do without having to hold a child's hand at the same time. Yes, abandoning him would be best; he would only be hurt if he stayed in the presence of his father. He'd make some calls, gather up his things and have him on a train heading out of town before the week was out.
The crying had come down to a more suitable level as the child dissolved into sniffles before looking back up at his father, probably expecting his tears to be wiped away by a caring hand.
"Can she come bac'?"
Her face was a curse, and it haunted him through this body, with those big expectant eyes filled with the reverence children held. The ideal that a parent could solve any problem just by having it asked of them. The misguided notion that his father was worth a damn and could make this better without sacrificing the rest of the planet in the process. Shinji pressed a knife into his heart, and it twisted with every sniff and quiver, and when Gendo could take no more of him and looked away all he could see was the wolves, demanding the boy be offered up in sacrifice for the good of both of them.
"Dad?"
It would be useful to have a trained pilot, especially one with undying loyalty to his father. More so to the memory of his mother, easily deified and made a crusade of her return. A shield against the Angels and a sword against the old men. It wasn't like there were many other candidates after all. The dummy system was only in its fledging ideas, with no promise of completion. And, if he was to defend Tokyo-3, wouldn't it be better if he could protect himself? He'd still be throwing Yui's son out to fight monsters from beyond the realm of human understanding, but at least he'd be able to match them. The Dead Sea Scrolls predicted humanity's victory, but that was no reason to skimp in the battles to come. If nothing else, it would save on the budgetary costs, that favoured shackle of petty bureaucrats who would hope to tie them down.
"Maybe."
He flinched at his treacherous mouth, darting away from Shinji's sight once more. It was a foolhardy promise. He knew well enough that it could never end well. They would drift apart, and the child would come to hate him. That was the way it always went with him.
Except for her.
He leant back in the chair, sighing. Shinji just kept staring, waiting for the world to be made right again.
If he could form a bond with one Ikari, who was to say he couldn't do it again? He was going to attempt the impossible anyway, why not go beyond it and reforge himself in the fires of parenthood whilst he was at it?
Yui had changed him more than he'd thought; this sort of optimism, however stumbling and shaky, was unknown to him before. Biting on his lip with a resigned sigh and a prayer to whatever God existed that he could have a crumb of kindness for a second time in his life; he scooped up his son and made for the door of his office.
"Come on Shinji, let's find Uncle Kozo, we've got work to do."