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David and Patrick are most definitely not dating.
Stevie would know if they were. David Rose is known for many things but the one things he lacks above all else is his ability to keep a secret. Especially when it’s something he’s excited about, and Stevie knows, she knows he would be excited about this.
She would know if they were dating.
Alexis would also know, and therefore believes the opposite.
There is no way in hell one of them haven’t broken by now. She’s seen the way they act around each other. David is her brother and she knows his signs; the way he gets all soft and shy around the edges when Patrick teases him, the way he bites back at her taunts with just a little less heat than usual. He’s happy about something, and that something absolutely has to be that cute little button he’s spending all day with.
There is nothing else that would make him so happy right now, so Alexis knows, David and Patrick must be dating.
Ray is pretty sure they’re dating.
David has been around the house a lot recently with Patrick. At first it was purely business, staying late to catch up with the books and brainstorm new ideas for the store. Then David accepted the invitation to stay for tea one evening and has been coming back once a week since, usually on lasagne night, (Ray always was proud of that dish). He has never stayed overnight, but Ray sees the ways the two men look at each other.
He hopes their dating. Patrick seemed lost when he first arrived in the town and Ray can only hope for the best for his housemate/ex-employee/friend.
Ted doesn’t think they’re dating.
They’re just two buds hanging out. There are a lot of assumptions being made by the group and he doesn’t like the implications that two men can’t be attentive and affectionate towards each other. Ted has spent a lot of time in locker rooms and hanging out with his own male friends and based on what everyone has been saying, he would have dated like, five guys at this point.
Ted isn’t really thinking too hard about David and Patrick right now.
Twyla is just happy to be invited to the discussion.
She doesn’t really have a strong opinion on the argument. Sure, David and Patrick spend a lot of time together getting dinner and making jokes. She thinks she’s seen a few flirty encounters happening across the table, but she hasn’t really had that many close friends, so she really isn’t sure whether that means anything.
They’d be a cute couple if they were dating, she reckons.
***
It’s an unusual group to be sat in a booth of the café on a Wednesday afternoon, but nobody mentions it. Stevie, Alexis, Ray, Ted, and Twyla are all crowded around having a slightly rowdy conversation about their friend’s private lives, and it’s getting more heated than it probably should.
“I’m just saying Stevie, I have known David longer, and I know that he has been happier about something recently, I just know it.”
“Patrick has also seemed pretty bubbly recently,” Ray chimes in. “Though that may be due to the added flavour I have been adding to the Bolognese sauce. I always knew Patrick would like a little spice!”
“So, you agree then, you think they’re dating?” Alexis asks, gesturing with the hand still pincered around her straw.
“I would never pry into Patrick’s dating life personally, but I think he would have told me if he and David were in a romantic relationship.”
Stevie makes a cocky humming noise and widens her eyes at Alexis, who just screws up her nose in response.
“There are lots of things that David could be happy about as well,” Twyla mentions airily.
“Like what?”
She opens her mouth and then closes it again, frowning slightly.
“Hey!” Ted exclaims, “The Blue Jays won the--”
He quietens down when the whole table turns to frown at him, putting his hands in his lap and shrugging.
“Are we even sure David is in a better mood recently?” Stevie asks, “Still seems his usual moody self to me.”
“Well, clearly you don’t know him as well as you think you do then,” Alexis says with a snide grimace.
Twyla, ever the pacifist intervenes. “I mean, and correct me if I’m wrong, but we could also just… ask them?”
There’s silence again, and she looks around at all their confused expressions.
“They’re at the store now, right? So like, we could just go and talk to them and ask them if they’re dating.”
“We can’t do that,” Alexis says decidedly, shaking her head and taking a sip of her smoothie.
“Why not?”
“Because if they’re not together then David will just like, pop his head back into his little shell and never come out of it again.”
“Someone isn’t as sure about their theory when it’s put to the test, huh?” Stevie mumbles, earning a glare in response.
“Ugh, fine. We can just, go over there and see what’s going on. But I’ll be the one doing the asking okay,” she threatens, pointing around at the four others with a serious look. “I am not having any of you mess this up.”
They all shrug in response and slowly make their way out of the café, heading across the street to Rose Apothecary. The windows are slightly fogged up, and they can’t spot the pair from outside, so Alexis and Stevie elbow their way to the front and let themselves in, the bell above the door jingling weakly as a warning to the inhabitants.
As soon as they get through the door the whole group freeze in shock at the sight in front of them.
Behind the counter, David is stood with his eyes closed and head tilted back, as he leans backwards into the touch of Patrick standing behind him. His hands are on David’s shoulders, kneading the skin there and frowning with a concentrated look on his face.
“Is that good?”
“Mm, no, just a little lower- there!”
“There?”
“Aha, that’s it, right there. Can you just press a little? - ah.”
Neither man seems to have noticed the company, and that much is made clear by the way David keens into the touch, making embarrassing noises in response.
He’s moaning.
He’s actually moaning.
Alexis blinks twice, turns to Stevie with an ‘I told you so’ expression, and coughs loudly.
“Sorry if we’re interrupting you two little lovebirds,” she coos, flapping her hand at them and then frowning in surprise when David and Patrick jerk away from each other. Patrick remains behind the counter while David makes like a skittered rabbit and fully crosses the room to get away from him.
“What are you all doing here?” David asks. Well, it’s more of a screech, he makes the expression of a territorial badger, his whole face screwing up in disgust even as his hands are nervously nudging and moving at the product in front of him.
“I didn’t know, I mean- Alexis just told me--” Stevie starts, blinking at them in surprise, but Alexis shushes her urgently with a sharp look.
“Am I not allowed to stop in and see my brother while he’s at work?”
“What are you all doing here- together?” David asks, still flustered as he gestures towards the small party of five.
“We were debating--” It’s Ted being shushed this time, and he shuts his mouth obediently.
Alexis away from her brother to look at Patrick, who she is only just noticing appears equally if not more flustered than David. He has yet to regain the power of speech and he is bracing himself on the counter with a scarlet face, eyes skittering from the group, to David, to his hands on the wooden countertop.
He catches her watching on one of his glances around the room and forces a smile. “We were just--”
“--It’s a sports injury--”
“--Well, less of a sports injury more of a--”
“--I hurt my shoulder when I was working--”
“--He wasn’t working he was--”
“--Fine! I was carrying a box and I hurt my back.”
David and Patrick talk over each other, not missing the opportunity for teasing but still both clearly embarrassed by the position they had been found in.
“He wasn’t carrying it he was--”
“--Oh my God!” David scowls at Patrick across the room, who just smiles angelically back at him. “I just bent over to pick up one of the boxes and my back went funny!”
“He hadn’t even started to lift it off the ground,” Patrick adds as an afterthought, just to get the pink cheeked, offended expression from David.
David is mumbling something about Judas as the small group watch on, all with confused frowns on their faces.
“Has this cleared up anything for anyone?” Ray says quietly to his colleagues, who all seem to be as lost as he is.
“I mean, it’s not unusual for guys to rub each other’s backs when they get an injury. It happens all the time at the gym I go to; if you get a cramp, you know one of the guys will step in to help you rub it out,” Ted says cheerily.
“What gym do you go to?” Stevie asks, leering at him. Ted doesn’t seem to get her meaning and just grins.
“I’ll get you the card and hook you up! If you sign up I get a free month of steaming!”
“Oh, do you now?” Stevie chokes out through a laugh.
“Did you come into our store to buy anything or are you here to just stand there and watch us like dirty zoo animals?”
“Who are the zoo animals in this situation?” Stevie asks, “Because from where I’m standing, we’re the ones that just walked into the enclosure.”
David pulls another face. “I see you’re feeling funny today, huh?” he asks, as Stevie just grins and shrugs, taking a long drink from her take-away mug of coffee. “Seriously though, you’re kind of blocking the door to our store and scaring away actual paying customers, so, if you wouldn’t mind.”
He makes a shooing motion with his hands which the group take a minute to respond to, before shrugging and heading back out of the door. Just before it swings shut, David and Patrick’s voices can be heard again.
“Is your back feeling any better?” Patrick asks as David sheepishly returns to the counter.
“No,” is the reply, the pouting evident in David’s tone.
“You want me to keep trying to get the knot out?”
“Can we go around the back this time? I don’t like being on display to the whole town of carnies like this--”
The bell jingles with finality as the group is shunted back into the street.
“Anyone got any theories?” Stevie asks after a moment of standing there in silence.
The general consensus is no, so they all go back to their days, brains whirring in an attempt to understand the conundrum that is David and Patrick.
***
The next evening finds David at the motel, unpacking his day bag and changing from his Givenchy sweater into a comfortable pair of pyjamas. He’d been out for hours somewhere, Alexis doesn’t know where, but wherever it was it’s made him happy; he’s humming some sort of tune as he absentmindedly folds and neatens his clothes and pulls back the duvet of his single bed.
Alexis is reclined on her bed, watching him with a wary expression on her face as she pretends to be absorbed in the magazine that she has been flicking through for the last few hours.
“So, where did Patrick take you on your little datey tonight?” she asks as she watches him get settled in.
His soft smile drops at the sound of her voice, and he turns to her with furrowed eyebrows. “We had a vendor meeting in Elmdale so we went to a restaurant to try out some wine and cheese we might start selling at the store.”
“That is not a good division between work and private life, David,” Alexis advises, slipping the magazine into the bedside drawer and shuffling down herself. “It’s not sustainable for you to keep doing work things when you’re on dates.”
“Why do you keep calling it a date?”
“You went for dinner, David, what else could it be?”
“A vendor meeting! For our store! I just told you that!” David exclaims, chucking his small pillow at her and curling up across his large one, facing the wall.
“So, you’re telling me it wasn’t a date?”
“Goodnight, Alexis,” David says sarcastically in response.
She groans at his refusal to answer and tucks the mini pillow he had thrown at her under her neck, turning over to get some sleep of her own.
***
Ray is cooking up his lasagne tonight. He has taken to the habit of making an extra one for David to take home, since he seems so fond of the dish.
“Hey, Ray,” Patrick says as he enters. Ray silently takes note of his outfit; though the average person may not notice, he recognises that this must be the third time Patrick has changed his shirt in the last half hour, in preparation for David’s arrival. “Is it lasagne night again?”
“Once a week every week!” Ray replies cheerfully. “Is David on his way yet?”
Patrick’s face turns a light pink colour and he seems to be biting down a smile in response to the question. “He just texted me, said he’d be here in a minute, something about escaping his mother’s clutches,” he says, holding his phone up in the air as he does so.
Ray nods dutifully and smiles as he watches Patrick pacing back and forth through the house, nudging random objects kept around to straighten them. He moved Ray’s dice shaped stress ball to a different sideboard, and then to the desk, where he hovers looking at the front door, before spinning on his heel again.
As soon as he has turned to walk back to the kitchen, there is a soft knock. Patrick all but leaps at the door, throwing it open and smiling at David who is stood nervously on the front step.
“David.”
“Hi,” David says softly.
There is a bit of uncertainty in their greeting, that ultimately ends with Patrick reaching out his hand for David to shake and David doing so with a confused expression on his face. When Patrick turns back, Ray can see his face has gone a much deeper shade of red, and he seems disappointed by something.
“Hello, David!” Ray greets him as they come into the small kitchen. “Have you had a successful day at the store?
“Mhm, very successful, thank you,” David replies demurely. He is watching Patrick who has gone back to twitching as he sets up three places at the dinner table.
Ray keeps a close eye on the two of them as they talk and eat dinner. He frowns as he watches their interactions; reserved and polite, but with a hidden fondness.
By the end of the meal, he is no more clued up to the nature of their relationship. He watches discreetly as Patrick walks David to the door, spare lasagne tucked under his arm provided by Ray.
“Thank you for coming tonight,” Patrick says as they linger in the front room.
“I always come for dinner on lasagne night?” David replies, furrowing his eyebrows a little.
“Yeah but this is the first one since, you know, last week.”
Patrick is wringing his hands together again, Ray notices, and he is staring at David very intently. David, in contrast, just seems rather confused.
“The food poisoning wasn’t so bad,” David replies slowly. “How was Ray to know that there was something wrong with the meat? And from what I’ve heard you really got the brunt of it.”
Patrick laughs and rubs a hand over his chin bashfully. “No, that’s true, um, but I actually meant--” he hesitates, looking at David with a meaningful impression. “Um, you know.”
In Ray’s opinion, David doesn’t seem to know, but he hums in agreement, nonetheless.
“I’ll see you at the store tomorrow?” he says, in lieu of a response.
“Bright and early,” Patrick replies.
He leans forward as it to go for a kiss, but something makes him change tactic, and instead his lips brush David’s cheek at the speed of light. David seems surprised by the action, his eyes blown wide and eyebrows raised as he stutters out a goodbye and disappears into the night.
Patrick closes the door and sighs, rubbing both hands over his head as if frustrated.
“Get it together,” he mutters to himself, shaking his head.
Ray, ever the good friend and roommate decides this is the time for him to step in.
“Patrick? How about some ice cream for dessert?”
“Coming Ray,” Patrick replies, still looking dejected even at the promise of ice cream.
***
“So, you’re telling me that Patrick kissed David, and you still don’t believe that they’re dating?” Alexis asks over coffee the next morning.
The plot to work out whether David and Patrick are together has resulted in the group of five getting coffee together semi-regularly, which is honestly incredibly nice. Twyla in particular is happy to serve and gossip at the same time, watching her friends try and puzzle everything out.
“Patrick didn’t seem very happy about it afterwards,” Ray muses, sipping thoughtfully on his coffee.
“Maybe he just doesn’t like David, maybe they’re gonna break up.”
Alexis gets lost in her thoughts for a moment, snapping a wooden coffee stirrer with a murderous expression on her face.
“Okay, I don’t think that will be necessary,” Stevie intervenes, saving the little sticks of wood from her clutches and putting them back in their designated pot, earning a thankful look from Twyla. “Patrick doesn’t seem like the type to be purposefully misleading.”
“I mean, you said Patrick kissed David,” Twyla adds, drying a glass thoughtfully. “I would have thought that was a good sign? I mean, you never really know, my Mom dated someone for a while who really liked--”
“A kiss doesn’t have to mean anything,” Ted intervenes before Twyla can finish what promises to be an incredibly depressing story. Twyla shrugs, unperturbed as he explains. “Adults kiss all the time; it doesn’t mean they’re necessarily dating. Sometimes people just share an adult kiss.”
Stevie makes a sound of disbelief while Alexis goes pink, avoiding Ted’s glance.
“I agree with Ted, you don’t have to be dating to kiss someone’s cheek,” Ray says nodding, “they do it all the time in Europe.”
The group is silent, staring at him for a moment in collective disgust at the cheek detail that Ray had failed to mention when he had first told the group about the kiss.
“I still think they’re dating,” Alexis says after a moment.
“Because of a kiss on the cheek?” Stevie asks, scoffing.
“I’m sorry, have you ever known David to go around kissing his friends on the cheek?”
“He did with--”
Alexis sends Stevie a horrified look at the threat of Sebastien’s name, and she correctly shuts up and doesn’t finish that sentence.
“Anyway, I just don’t think that David would be doing those things if he and Patrick weren’t, you know--”
Ted makes an elegant gesture with his hands; Stevie turns her nose up but the rest of the group shrug and nod their heads.
“Okay, then answer me this, if they are really dating, why hasn’t David told anyone, and why was it not a kiss on the lips?”
“Maybe they’re taking it slow?”
Stevie snorts again and shakes her head. “Trust me, if those two were dating, they’d be all over each other. I’ve seen the way they look at each other, and if they were acting on their feelings, they wouldn’t let go of each other.”
They’re all pulled away from their conversation by Patrick’s voice as he enters the café.
“I’m sure it’s very on brand, David, but we can’t assault the customers ears every time they come into the store just because you want to listen to your favourite music!”
“You did not just call the Tina Turner’s music and ‘assault on the ears’, tell me you didn’t just say that.”
Patrick just smiles at him as David overreacts. It’s this movement that draws everyone’s attention down to where David and Patrick’s hands are clasped between them, fingers laced together.
Alexis makes a pointed noise and looks to Stevie, who frowns at the hands with confusion.
“What are you all staring at?” David asks as they approach the counter.
“Can I get a caramel macchiato, skimmed, two sweeteners, and a sprinkle of cocoa powder please, Twyla,” Patrick says, ignoring the weird behaviour and turning to give his order. “Oh,” he adds as an afterthought, “and a tea please.”
Twyla gets straight on it, pausing every so often to look back at them with narrowed eyes. Everyone else remains silent, until David has finally had enough.
“Okay, what is happening here, why are you all looking at us like that, and since when did you all--” he tries to wave his hand at them except it’s the one still clasped in Patrick’s, and instead all he manages to do is jerk Patrick’s shoulder almost out of its socket. “Sorry, when did you all start getting coffee together, and spending time together, is this like, a little club I don’t know about.”
“David,” Stevie says finally. “Are you and Patrick dating?”
There’s silence for a moment longer as David goes bright red. “What? No, why would you think that? We’re not dating!”
“We’re not?”
David turns to look at Patrick who is staring at him with ill disguised hurt. His brown eyes are wide and upset. He slowly untangles his hand from David’s, who misses the warmth immediately, feeling his stomach dropping to his feet at the reaction.
“What? No, we--” he starts, frowning. “I don’t know, are we? I didn’t, you never--”
Twyla silently places the two cups on the counter with a wince.
“Um, I can, pay for those,” Patrick mumbles awkwardly.
“Don’t worry about it,” Twyla says, waving him off.
“Um, someone should be at the store, so--”
With that, he’s gone, taking one of the drinks with him. The bell seems overjoyed with his departure, and the ringing simply makes David’s stomach turn.
He looks back at the group of Schitt’s Creek residents- of his friends, and glares.
“What just happened?” he asks.
“Oh my God, go talk to him, David!” Stevie exclaims, jumping from the stool next to him, handing him his drink, and physically turning him to face the door. “Go!” she says again, shoving his back to get him moving.
It works. David rushes from the café, bundling straight across the road without checking for cars and slowly entering the store, opening and closing the door so carefully that the bell doesn’t even ring.
He stands in the doorway of his store. Of his and Patrick’s store, and is clueless as of what to do next. He goes to take a sip of his drink, but Patrick stops him.
“That’s mine, um, I took your coffee,” he says quietly from where he is stood behind the counter, his face stony and his fists clenched as if to hold on to control.
David goes to stand on the opposite side of the counter.
“I didn’t know--” he starts, and the statement seems to spur Patrick back to life.
“How could you not know we were dating, David?” he blurts out, his face earnest and upset evident in his tone.
“Because you never told me!”
“I took you on a date last week!”
“What--”
“On your birthday! What did you think that was?”
David blinks in surprise. “I thought that was like, a casual dinner, because my parents forgot it was my birthday and you’re a nice person and also my co-worker.”
“What did you think Thursday was?”
“A- A vendor meeting, you said we should try out the cheese and wine!”
The expression on Patrick’s face at that is priceless, he looks so shocked that David almost laughs. “We didn’t speak to any vendors! What- I took you to dinner, and I- I paid.”
“I thought it was a free dinner,” David replies with an awkward wince. “You know, because we were trying things out, for the store.”
"We weren't trying anything out for the store, David."
"Oh, then the comments I made to our server must have seemed very presumptive," David muses, thinking back.
Patrick does laugh at that, though it’s half hearted. “And- and at Ray’s? What did you think was happening there? When I,” he coughs awkwardly, “when I kissed you.”
David smirks just slightly at that. “Well, that would have been a lot more enlightening, um, if you had actually kissed me.”
The sound Patrick makes is helpless and amused all at once. His shoulders drop and he raises his hands to cover his face. “I’ve been holding your hand all week- I’ve been giving you massages all week, you didn’t think anything might be going on?”
“I thought you might just be, super friendly,” David insists. “And you’re like, really good at massages, so I figured maybe you just, offered to give them to people.”
“My God,” Patrick mutters, fully hiding his face from David’s view. “I can promise you I don’t just go around offering to rub people’s backs.”
“Oh, well. Now I know.”
“Yeah, I guess, now you do.”
David purses his lips and nods. “So, who do you offer massages to?”
“David I- to people I’m dating, usually!”
“And, um, what other benefits do people who are dating get?” Patrick looks up at David with disbelief. “I’m just considering my options!”
Patrick just stares at him in shock as David laughs lightly.
“I accept,” he says finally, watching as Patrick frowns in response.
“What?”
“I accept your offer of a date. But that does mean you will be paying, and I expect you to be wearing that cute little dinner jacket that I clearly haven’t been giving enough appreciation. And this time I want you to be clear that it’s a date.”
“Okay first of all, David. I already took you on three dates, so I think it’s your turn.”
“Ray’s lasagne doesn’t count as a date, I got food poisoning from it just last week--”
Patrick shushes him with a finger up in the air, and David draws back with an excited smile as Patrick rounds the counter to stand directly in front of him.
“We are still counting them as dates," he says firmly, taking David by the shoulders to keep him steady.
“But you didn’t even kiss me,” David counters, barely louder than a whisper.
“I guess I’ll just have to cash them in now, huh?”
It feels like an eternity as David closes his eyes in preparation for Patrick’s advance. After a second or two he peeks one open to find Patrick hovering just an inch away, smirking teasingly.
“Oh, for God’s--” David mutters, reaching around to the back of his neck and pulling him into a deep kiss, effectively wiping the grin off his face.
Patrick’s lips are soft and warm. He teasingly pushes and pulls back, making David do the work to keep their lips connected. David gets tired of the game soon enough, and bites down just slightly on Patrick’s bottom lip, making him moan in surprise, his hands flexing where they are pawing at David’s hips through his sweater.
Patrick pulls David closer, till he has to lean his face to one side so that they can keep kissing comfortably. His hands roam the expanse of David’s back, stopping to grip at his shoulder blades and his hips as if he’s as nervous as David is. As if the butterflies are rampant in his stomach as well.
“Looks like a little more than just an adult kiss this time, huh,” Stevie’s voice comes from the door. Patrick jerks away at the interruption, but David shakes his head in dissatisfaction, gripping at Patrick’s cheeks to pull him back in to his lips, audience and all.
“Oh my God, ew, David!” Alexis says, turning her nose up though she’s smiling at the same time. David puts up his middle finger in their general direction, still focused on kissing the daylights out of Patrick.
“Okay, this isn’t ending anytime soon,” Stevie says, beginning to wave the group back out of the store. “We should go.”
She flips the sign back to closed for them on their way out, and the group head back towards the café to start their next investigation.
Back in Rose Apothecary, David finally lets Patrick go. They’re both panting from the excursion, red in the face and beaming at each other.
“I think that should make up for date number one, don’t you?” David asks, taking Patrick’s hand and leading him towards the curtain to the back room. “Now show me how you would have kissed me after date number two.”