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The skies open and the sun comes out and a stranger descends raising Levi up. He would expect him as a savor, a kind man, warm and loving like the beams of the sunlight. Someone would say Erwin Smith was a great man-- Levi believes otherwise.
The skies open and Levi can see further than the shadows. The skies open but along with the sun comes the cold snow. But Levi can't go back in the darkness, can't seek refuge in familiar places and situations. The sun has embraced him and he, involuntarily, enters a blind's paradise.
Erwin's eyes aren't the only sharp thing on him. It is also his hand, the firm palm against his cheek, the cold hand leaving burning imprints on his skin-- a contradiction as many would have seen. Erwin Smith is a contradiction but only visible to him. Because only Levi can see the clouds once the sun leaves.
He follows Erwin. He can't do otherwise. He is trapped-- but free. So, he stays. He obeys. Because now Levi belongs nowhere. He has no home. He stays because maybe he is afraid of the future. For the first time, death doesn't come to him. Levi reaches for him. He will die-- in a month from now. And, Levi is afraid. He has seen the sun but not yet the whole sky- it is vast. What is Levi in that? Levi is afraid. Freedom is killing him.
So, freedom Erwin takes from him.
He chains and wraps a blindfold around Levi's eyes. He locks him for hours, days, weeks... Levi cannot tell how long. He lets him smell the mold and be one with the filthy floor. He takes his sight and sun. He violates him by every aspect. He kicks him in the shin and yanks his head back, some stands already ripped out from his scalp. He takes Levi's freedom with force-- but Levi gives it to him. It wasn't his from the start.
Levi is left panting in total darkness; cold, filthy, badly hurt. He can smell the blood on his clothes, his skin. He can smell piss and the humidity. But, he is not scared. It feels like home. Levi sighs and lets his head fall back, resting against the stone wall.
He whines when Erwin drags him out of his little, personal prison. He resists and crawls to the far corner, looking at Erwin with wide eyes, scared of his next move- he hates getting caught by surprise.
However, Erwin does not speak. He clutches Levi's shirt and jerks him off his cell vigorously. Erwin's hands are calloused and strong and the way he flies him out of the prison, lifting him up like he weights as much as a feather, intrigues Levi. He wants to see what others heavy things can those arms lift. He wants to test their strength. So, he stands up once again and strides toward Erwin with a goal in his mind. He looks at him as if asking him to spar. He dares him with his own eyes. Provokes him.
Each blow is a blessing. Each kick is a step closer to bliss. He receives them hungrily, famished. He ducks only a few, just to incite him more. Erwin groans and Levi smiles. He sees the hot blood rushing through his veins. He sees the frown portrayed just above his stormy eyes. He smiles-- loving how much he effects him.
Soon his smile is being erased, ripped off his face, and blood rushing through his nose and lips. He coughs and mutters profanities. Erwin grasps Levi again by his hair- Levi believes he likes it and cracks still a smile. White teeth painted with blood.
"I have to take this disgusting smug off your ugly face," Erwin says, voice low and dark that keeps secrets and hatred. It is the sound of his heart. Levi smiles more. He is the only one who can hear him, see him like that.
But when Erwin smiles, this is the last thing Levi sees before everything turns black.
Erwin takes. Always. He is a greedy man. Anything, everything isn't enough. He takes money. He takes other men's' women. He takes lives.
He is ruthless and careless. But he is Erwin Smith. He is the smartest man alive. Nobody can deny his request. So, Erwin takes everyone's willing offer.
He takes Levi's sanity. He drowns him in total madness. He makes him scream his name and pleads to stop- to continue. He asks for more and nothing else. His fingers are deep inside him never neglecting his prostate for more than half a minute. He drags them over it relentlessly, mercilessly. Levi grabs the edges of the desk, hanging on something, trying to grasp reality and bring himself back. But Erwin takes and takes and takes...
He slams into him with one go, hard and swiftly, the sound of his buckles easing up only warning him. He fucks him like he fights with him; with hatred. As if Levi had made Erwin hate him. Yet, Levi isn't familiar with any other form of feelings. Hate is a known word, feeling. He embraces it-- and he embraces Erwin, squeezing his butt-tocks and sucking Erwin further inside of him.
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you," Erwin echoes like a mantra as he comes above Levi. Levi smiles at these words. It's like Erwin repeats them to believe in them himself. Maybe, it's because he wants Levi to hear them well. 'I hate you' becomes a common sentence in their meetings and Levi every time smiles when he hears these words and later he follows Erwin into their sex high.
Levi finds himself whispering to his pillow these words every night and on. He smiles, the burning ache of the scars and bruises reminding him of Erwin- Erwin's mark. His curled lips don't flutter even in his sleep. They only fade when the sun wakes him up-- the awful feeling returning back in his stomach. He hides beneath the blankets seeking the darkness and Erwin hands wrapped around his neck.
Nothing felt so good, so satisfying than making Erwin angry. With anger, violence follows and Levi craves , like a dried out land the water, Erwin's touch- in whatever form this is.
Erwin doesn't touch. Throughout meetings, training, when they sit in his office doing stupid paperwork, when they are alone in public places, inside the cart- Erwin doesn't touch Levi. It is like a punch in his heart. Erwin's rough, big hands and long fingers, flipping pages, saluting officers, offering themselves for a handshake, hands turned into fists punching sacks filled with sand- these hands, which can hold and touch and kiss-- those hands which can reach out and feel... They don't touch him. Unless Erwin wants. And Erwin wants when anger piles up in his eyes, when in their serene blue sea waves swell and crush over, when his jaw tightens and his lips aren't but a firm, thin line. That's when Erwin permits- offers- his touch. So, Levi accepts each blow and kick, riling him up more, spiting him more, making him scream more, making him hurt him more, wreck him, destroy him.
"I'm yours to destroy," once Levi said. "Why are you holding back? You hate me! You despise me! You want me dead! Do it, Erwin. Do it, if you dare!" Levi screamed out like a madman- as if he wasn't already. Hopeless words were escaping from his lips, flowing through the air and Levi screamed more; for them to reach Erwin. Was Erwin even listening at him?
The vein of his neck throbbed and shivered against the cold blade. Erwin, like a rock, was crushing him- a sweet weight he was. He would let him to split him in half, he did not care.
Even in moments like this one, even when his life was in danger, Levi did not touch. With another man he would flee away from their hold in a blink of the eye. But Levi, beneath Erwin, with Erwin's blade against his flesh, with Erwin looking at him through blonde eyelashes, ready to speak out and take action-- for Erwin, Erwin... He stayed still. He did not touch him. He waited for whatever Erwin was about to give him. Because, Levi was his to be handled as he wanted to.
"What are you waiting for?" he cried out, tilting his head upwards, cutting his own flesh--
-- and the cold feeling abandoned his abused skin. And the blade fell down on the floor. And Erwin closed his eyes. And the thunderstorm disappeared.
Erwin fell right behind. He bent down, one side of his face touching Levi's, his hands wandering from his shoulders, where they had been gripping him hard and forcing him down - as if Levi would have run- , up to his hair, entangling his fingers there.
Erwin fell down- for the first time. Erwin's body crushing his own- but it was a pleasant weight, a heavy blanket covering him from the cold.
"I hate you," Erwin whispered just beside his ear, only for Levi to hear. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate..." The words never ended. The hands through his hair only tightened. And Erwin pressed his face against his own, muttering those words over and over again as if he wanted Levi to hear them well, to feel them, to believe them- as if he wanted to believe in them himself.
'I hate you' has become an act of affection and neither of them have realized so far.
Levi follows Erwin everywhere. Levi is always there when Erwin needs him. Levi is there when Erwin feels frustrated, anxious, angry - not with Levi but work. Levi is always there and is the one who makes the first step from now on. He strips from the middle and up. He walks slowly towards Erwin's desk and kneels beside Erwin's chair, wrists crossed behind his back. Then, Erwin takes out his belts and the cutting blows follow up.
"It's unhealthy Levi. This is madness. This is bad for you- for him! You have to stop!" Hanji exclaims. She worries. She is his only friend. He likes her that much that he pretends that he doesn't notice her bad odor.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Levi responds indifferently and takes a sip from his already warm tea. He preferred it hot. He liked the way his tongue burnt.
"He abuses you!" Hanji tries again to resonate him but there is nothing wrong with him, with Erwin, with them. Why does she tries so much? It is exhausting.
"No. You're wrong."
"You're crazy..."
"Aren't we all here?" And the conversation ends at that.
The kiss was a surprise.
They have never kissed. No touching. No touching, unless it was meant to hurt him. Kissing was something meant for lovers, for people who felt great affection for each other. They only felt hatred.
Levi is kneeled in Erwin's room, arms stretched up right and wrists tied in a tight knot, that prevents the blood rushing through the tips of his fingers. He is tied against the wall.
Today there was another lost, another problem, another day in the Survey Corps. Great investors have retreated their funds and have failed to keep their promises. Erwin was angry- that was expected.
Each whip of the leather strap is redemptive. Each whip and a scream. Each whip and a curse. Each whip and a moan- now fleeing from Levi's sealed lips.
But this wasn't enough.
Erwin lunges forward and jerks Levi's head back. He sees into his eyes. To find what? Levi is confused. Did he do something wrong? He doubt it. Why is he staring at him so intensely? What does he need?
Levi is not afraid of Erwin. Levi is not confused and anxious of what it is going to follow. Levi is afraid of Erwin thoughts. If he is okay. If he needs anything-- because Levi is his and he can give everything to him, everything he asks for.
He raises him from the floor, hands still knotted through his dark locks. Levi sighs and closes his eyes, letting Erwin puppet his body. He only moves when he has to stand on his feet.
"Spar with me," says Erwin and he removes the ropy bonds around his wrists. Levi doesn't have to comprehend why this is happening now, why all of the sudden Erwin gives him a change to protect himself. For the first time, he doesn't feel totally helpless- Erwin doesn't let him feel this way. He gives him a little freedom.
Little freedom is nice. Little freedom doesn't scare him. So, he accepts it. He bends slightly and urges forward, smacking his fist against Erwin's right shoulder. Erwin grabs his wrist and twists his arm. He swirls Levi's body and has his body pressed against Levi's back. Levi can feel his hot breath crushing against his neck like small waves made of lava.
"You are careless. Fast-- but careless. Think about your opponent's next move. Think at least one step ahead," Erwin advices him. He doesn't have the time to reconsider his words. He simply takes them in.
He nods and a simply "okay" slips away from his lip.
"Good. Again- from the start," Erwin speaks out again and Levi can feel his smile against his neck's skin.
They go on forever like this; one step ahead, two back. Advance and attack. Defend, fall back. The blows are not too hard, yet not too soft. It's like Erwin holds back. Something troubles him, Levi can tell. His movements are too sloppy for a strategist and fighter of his league. He told Levi to think always of his opponent's next move, but he doesn't listen to his own advice.
Levi holds back, too. He lets him win.
They are both left panting, chest to chest, heart to heart. Erwin's body is covering his own. His hands have him trapped, like nails pierced into the floor, at each side of his head. He breathes in the leftovers of his life, his cancer. He feels dizzy, exhausted but his eyes are still wide open, watching every movement of Erwin's face; the small curl of his upper as he lands vigorously on top of him, how much more red his cheeks are turning by every moment passing, the crease between his furious eyebrows. He watches him as his shoulders give into fatigue, as his eyes turning into clear blues and his jaw has fallen down; ready for words to slip out.
Suddenly, Erwin moves, his head descending to knock him off from reality. He closes his eyes, head titling to the side, trying to protect himself for the first time. But Levi doesn't have time to think why now? Why he tries to defend himself now. Why he tries to escape hits. Why now?
Erwin lips find the edge of his mouth, kissing him softly -- like he is afraid that Levi break. But why now? Why now?
Erwin's kiss doesn't last long, though- not as much as Levi wanted to. The warmth of his lips abandons him and Levi feels frozen, alone-- alone in the dark. He is suddenly afraid of that. But why now?
He turns his head and snaps open his eyes, seeking his azure sky. He sees blood across his lips. He doesn't know to whom the red stains belong. He doesn't have time to think. He tilts his head and captures Erwin's lips, burning into the fire of his.
And still, from his welcoming, open lips words doesn't slip- but tongue and unspoken feelings that Levi only hears.
"Why did you kiss me?" Levi asks lowly, afraid. He eyes the transparent, black liquid of his cup, eyes never averting from it. He is afraid to see Erwin- maybe, he is afraid to confront his anger and what it usually follows it.
"I am sorry?" Erwin asks from across the room, the sound of quill dancing across white sheets halting.
Levi tilts his face up. "Why did you kiss me?" he echoes, his voice becoming more louder, more confident.
Erwin sets down the quill and laces the fingers of his hands. He doesn't look at him and Levi doesn't want anything more in that moment to fly over there and demand him to look him straight in the eyes. He wants to demand the truth-- but he stays silent, awaiting a response.
"I'm sorry it was a mistake. I shouldn't have done it. We are-- we. I am your commander. It's unethical. Please, forget it."
Levi forgets how to breathe. He is staring at him as if he is still waiting for his response, as if he hasn't heard it.
"No." Levi has never before refused him, denied him. At that Erwin raises his head, eyes blown away with surprise. "No, it wasn't a mistake. You wanted it, Erwin! We both wanted it!" Levi almost screams. He sets the cup of tea on the coffee table, afraid that he might break it of holding so hard.
"Levi, please. It was-"
"It wasn't a mistake, god damn it!" Levi stands up, hands turned into fists, fallen at both of his sides. He digs the nails in his skin, trying to suppress every feeling but failing tremendously. "It was intended. You could have stood up and leave. Hell, you could have even hit me! But you didn't, Erwin! You kissed me. You kissed me twice!"
Erwin's eyes was piercing him. He left a breath he was holding. He took one step ahead.
"Why?" he asks again.
Erwin's shoulders fall heavily with huge burden. He leans towards the desk, hands already through his hair, tugging and messing his perfect blond hair.
"I don't- I don't know, Levi... I don't know," he whisperd back, voice fragile almost like a child's.
"You know, Erwin," Levi states, taking another step.
"I don't--"
"You damn well know, Erwin! You know! You know deep inside. But you're so much afraid to confront your feelings."
Erwin stays silent. Levi erases the distance between them and kneels in front of his desk, head peeking from the wooden edge, hands clasping at the surface. He searches for Erwin's eyes but they are nowhere to be found. He is blind, alone into the darkness-- and he has never felt more afraid of losing his sun.
"What are you afraid of?" Levi asks, his voice barely a whisper.
"They all leave," Erwin finally speaks out. He looks up to Levi. Levi sees only a broken man. "They all leave."
Levi reaches out with his hand, touching softly Erwin's hand. "I won't leave," he says and he smiles.
"I will kill you, too."
"Not before I kill you first," he replies and sees finally Erwin's smile.
They don't further speak. They don't kiss.
Erwin acts as if they are strangers. He only speaks at Levi in the meetings or about something concerning the Survey Corps. Their sessions end. Levi's scars made from Erwin has been fading slowly.
Erwin has been avoiding his Levi-- and his feelings.
Levi, however, continues to search for his sun and sky- not afraid anymore. He follows Erwin outside of the Walls, obliges at every command, he fights with all his heart.
"Not before I kill you first" Levi remembers his promise while he falls. He remembers Erwin's tentative smile. He hears a loud crack and it feels like a lighting has struck beside him. Everything rings loud and everything turns black. Levi is afraid of the dark. He screams Erwin's name before he loses consciousness.
He wakes up to beams of light disturbing him from his sleep. But he doesn't mind. He flutters his eyes slowly open, adjusting to the light and welcomes it. Then, he searches for any sign of where he is. He shifts on the bed, trying to stand but a piercing pain startles him and makes him scream. He touches his ribs and feels the swelling. Before he hears the door closing a nurse rushes in the room.
He was unconscious for two days. He fractured his ankle and five ribs. His shoulder is also dislocated. And he has an insignificant concussion. Levi has felt better before. He groans and falls back, lying on the soft mattress and enjoys the luxuries provided at him; good, fresh food, a soft matters and the warmth of the fireplace.
Levi, of course, asks for Erwin or anyone else who can inform him about the expedition. The nurse smiles and promises to contact with someone back in the Survey Corps.
Some minutes after nine o'clock in the afternoon he hears a knock on his door. He turns his head immediately-- he eyes Erwin under the candle light, weary and on the verge of collapsing. He hasn't slept, he thinks. Levi knows him. He knows how Erwin reacts after every expedition. Restless nights of signing papers and writing condolences. Troubling days of wondering what he did wrong and what he would have changed- a martyrdom in its own special way.
"Levi..." Erwin starts but immediately falls back. He takes one chair and sits beside him. Levi tries to raise but it is still hard and damn these huge-ass pillows. He lifts himself only slightly, rested on his elbow, as he groans from pain.
"Let me help you," Erwin says and stands to help him, bringing up his pillows and lifting him easily just beneath his armpits.
Levi's ribs hurt and clicks his tongue, muttering, "Watch out, asshole."
"I'm sorry," Erwin apologizes and gently fixes the pillows behind his back. "Comfortable enough?"
Levi straightens the blanket on his legs. "Yes, thank you."
"How are you feeling?"
"How many?" Levi asks back.
"Thirty four." A number. Just a number.
"These were lives, Erwin. People. Thirty four families following."
"I know..." Erwin says and silence falls like thick fog.
"How are you feeling?" Erwin asks again.
"Like shit." Levi tries to crack a smile but it hurts, so his face twists and he almost snarls. He watches Erwin looking at him, brooding, clearly something troubling him.
"I'm sorry..." Erwin says. He links his hands and squeezes them until their knuckles turn white. "I should have ordered to continue toward east. I- you encountered this pack of titans. You couldn't- So many people died there. I could have avoided that." He stares at the floor, leaning forward, read to fall from the chair-- as if he wants to reach Levi.
"This was the best decision you could have taken at this giving moment. There is no need to apologize," Levi says.
"I should have ordered you to head east."
"Erwin, are hearing yourself? It was the best decision-"
"I almost killed you!" Erwin utters and looks up. Levi stares back at the same broken man; conflicted, troubled, asking for help and guidance.
"Come here," he urges him, patting the mattress beside him.
Erwin obliges and sits down gently, trying not to disturb him or cause him any further pain.
"Erwin, look at me," he says and so Erwin does.
"Aren't I here?" Levi asks.
"Yes."
"Did you kill me?"
"No. But-"
"Am I alive?" he emphasizes at each world and places his hand on Erwin's thigh, as if to remind him that he is indeed beside him- alive.
"Yes."
"And I will stay alive for damn too long. I won't get killed. You won't get rid of me so easily, old man," Levi says and smirks. Erwin smiles-- and at this Levi smiles more.
He leans forward, wrapping Levi with his arms and hides his face in the crook of his neck.
"Fucking asshole, I told you to be careful!" Levis snarls but leans into his touch, clutching his shirt with this own hands and rests his face on Erwin's head, smiling at the way his hair tickles him.
After some moments, Erwin shifts. He comes closer, cupping Levi's face and rubbing his bruised cheeks with his thumbs in the most soothing way. He comes closer and Levi believes that he could touch the sky, the awaiting freedom above the Walls.
"I hate that I love you so much," Erwin whispers, his lips so close, so close that Levi can feel the words vibrating through his own body.
He doesn't have time to respond, to say the same words. Erwin leans forward and kisses him, ravishes him, engulfs him with his scent and body. The arms around him tighten and Levi grasps his jacket, desperate, hopeless once again- because he can't have enough of him. He tilts his head and tugs him closer, deepening the kiss.
"I love you," Levi breathes out once they lips part-- and he feels like flying.