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On Monday morning Olivia reported to work to keep her squad in the loop of events over the weekend, despite seeing two of them during that same weekend. Fin’s only comment was ‘figures you’d work during a pretend suspension’ while Sonny and Amanda shared a speculative look that they thought Olivia missed. She assured them that there was no more information than she had shared in the initial email she sent them and then shut herself in her office to call her boss. That call revealed a distinct lack of further information. Dodds did tell her that she would be assigned a couple of uniformed officers to take up the slack on current cases, they would be able to do background work while her detectives were interviewing witnesses or victims. She agreed once again to be Barba’s unofficial escort when they would need him in the station during her unplanned long weekend and Dodds seemed a little too happy about that but Olivia didn’t want to know what that was about so she got off the phone as fast as she could after that. She had nearly two days of unexpected free time, she wanted to enjoy having no plans.
Her cell phone beeped to announce a text and she checked to see who it was. Barba’s ID came up, his message simply said, ‘coffee’s on’. She smiled. He knew she would be leaving her office nearly as soon as she arrived and his timing couldn’t be better. She replied, ‘on my way, thanks’. He sent one more, ‘cooking, use the key’. She felt the grin she couldn’t help spread across her lips. Of course he was cooking. She picked up her purse and left her office with nearly no guilt. Fin could handle anything that came up and it wasn’t like she was actually suspended; she could be back quickly if they needed her.
Her happy mood continued as she drove to Rafael’s apartment building, thinking back over her morning. Lucy had arrived as she did most mornings to walk Noah to school and he was excited to see her and share all about his exciting weekend full of sleepovers. While Olivia didn’t feel the need to explain her personal life to anyone, she did make sure that Lucy knew she and Noah had both slept in the guest room. If she didn’t mention that she’d slept on the couch most of those nights away, having fallen asleep watching movies, twice, well that was nobody’s business but hers. And she smiled in a completely different way thinking about that. Waking up, again, on the couch with Rafael was a habit she was afraid she was too happy to get into. He’d smiled at her in that just woke up way he had and said in a sleepy voice, ‘we’ve got to stop meeting this way’. She’d said ‘people will talk?’ and he’d said, ‘let ‘em’, and they both laughed quietly, barely awake. It had been lovely. She was sure it would never happen again, but it was a memory that warmed in too many ways places she was sure she should ignore.
She pulled into the assigned place in the garage, made sure the parking pass was visible and took the elevator upstairs. When she used the key to let herself into Rafael’s apartment there was music playing, and he was again singing along and she knew he didn’t hear her so she locked up and hung her coat, slipping off her shoes and stopping at the end of the entry hall to just watch. She could see across the living room and into the kitchen where Rafael was working. He was wearing jeans again, faded but not the way that could be bought but the way that denim fades from long wear and good use. Olivia had a hard time imagining Rafael wearing jeans often enough to wear them that well, and he did indeed wear them well. A wicked little voice in the back of her head said that if he wore those jeans to court, he’d have every female juror in his favour, and likely some of the men as well. He was singing full out with the music on the CD player and moving as he did whatever he was doing at the counter. His hips moved in ways she didn’t even realize he knew how to move and the effect in those jeans was a sight her memory would save for later. The music had an infectious beat and was very danceable, then the lyrics he was belting out penetrated the fog of simply watching him dance and she was hooked all over again into listening to his voice.
“a living goddess on a mission
she is known by many names
she is born of the flame
venus of astoria
my venus of astoria
she is so glorious”
The singer on the CD did something growly with his voice and so did Rafael and Olivia turned on her heel and went back to the door, leaning her forehead on it, breathing deeply for a moment. When she had a handle on her reaction, she unlocked it, opened it, then shut it hard. Calling out ‘I’m here’, then took a moment and walked in without her coat or shoes, but this time she wasn’t spying, she’d announced herself.
Rafael was wiping his hands on a towel and smiling at her, his hair had fallen over his forehead and he looked relaxed and pleased to see her. The CD had switched to something Sinatra and Olivia thought that the last singer must have been the one she hadn’t heard of in the stack of music from Saturday. She thought she might need to sneak a peek at it and buy a copy for herself, or maybe that would be too much sensory memory. She grinned at him and joined him in the kitchen.
“Cinnamon rolls just came out of the oven, want one?”
“Oh, twist my arm, yes please.”
Rafael nodded in the direction of the coffee maker where he’d sat out a mug for her to use. He served the pastries for them both while she doctored her coffee. They took the coffee and rolls to the couch and sat on either end. Rafael turned the volume of the music down and they enjoyed the late morning break together, chatting about nothing important, just enjoying the moment of peacefulness in lives that often weren’t.
Rafael didn’t want to weigh down the conversation talking about what had happened at the station over the weekend, didn’t want to relive the fear of losing his best friend, wanted to never feel that fear again which was why he felt he needed to talk to Olivia about it if only to reassure himself that he wouldn’t. On the other hand, if he did talk about it and she didn’t feel anything like what he did, he might lose her anyway. He’d argued all the angles with himself after she and Noah had gone home Sunday afternoon. He knew his attraction to her was not a new thing for him, it just had never been something he wanted to voice because they worked together and neither of them needed the complication either personally or professionally. But all that changed when he was flat on his back on the ground staring up at the light polluted sky of a New York City night wondering if he would live to see the stars again or if she would. He had won none of those arguments with himself. Monday had dawned and he still didn’t know how to broach the topic with her, the topic of them as more than friends or even as interested in more.
Coffee and homemade cinnamon rolls finished, Olivia and Rafael were sitting on the couch nearly identical as they had over the weekend. He was leaning on the couch arm, legs drawn up and Olivia was leaning on the other, socked feet not quite reaching him. She noticed a pensive look on his face, wondered what was going on in his head to put that look there. Was he worried about the threats? Maybe he was concerned with cases put on hold because the DAs office was under siege. Maybe he was just still hungry, Olivia nearly smiled, the man could put away some sweets. She wondered briefly how he and Noah could eat their way through a weekend the way they had and not end up with indigestion. She just watched Rafael, a half-smile on her lips, knowing that he would tell her or not as he needed, if he was worried. Or maybe he wouldn’t. She wondered if he was having some crisis of confidence and didn’t want her to see him unsure or worried. Olivia hoped he knew she would never think less of him for being human, never hold it against him if he experienced the same emotions and doubts they all did.
“Penny for them,” Olivia said, “or maybe a nickel?”
“Not likely worth that much.” So many expressions went in a fleeting wave across his features that Olivia had to try hard to interpret them. Hope but then sadness, something that looked forlorn and tugged at her heart. His eyes that were always so expressive, at least to her, were pouring volumes at her and she felt a stab of fear that he’d felt her attraction to him and wanted to find a way to let her down softly because he didn’t feel the same. But he continued to speak, and she forgot that fear of her own quickly. “I don’t want to lose you, and that is worth more than a nickel, but I’m afraid that if I say this to you now you will discount it as my forced isolation talking and I don’t want that to happen.”
Olivia pulled her legs back so she could kneel up on the couch and reposition herself in the center of the couch, leaning toward him with her legs folded underneath, one arm along the back of the couch now, within reach of Rafael. “Is this something you can say and we can put a pin in it for later, after this situation resolves itself and we can revisit if you want?”
Rafael put his foot down on the floor and folded his other leg in front so that he was leaning toward her now. He looked directly in her eyes, searching her expression and finding only care, his ever-present friend who supported him without question. And then he saw her pupils dilate ever so much, and he wondered if his did as well, reacting to her nearness, her open body language, and if she knew what he hoped she knew, that he felt much more than friendship for her.
Barba’s phone rang.
Rafael closed his eyes, his expression one of near-pain. He cursed in Spanish, colorfully. Olivia laughed imagining the caller doing the things Rafael suggested. Rafael gave her a rueful glance, remembering that she understood him perfectly. He got up to answer his phone sitting on the kitchen island. Olivia gathered their empty plates and coffee mugs and took them to the kitchen. Rafael paced and talked on the phone, Olivia rinsed their plates and refilled the coffee mugs, handing him his and taking hers back to the couch. He nodded a thanks and took a drink, then sat it on the coffee table, continuing to pace, his free hand gesturing as he made a point or running through his hair as the call continued.
Olivia watched him pace, he was all Courtroom Barba now and despite the fact that he was barefoot and wearing worn jeans and a tee-shirt she could see the suit in his attitude. His hair kept falling across his forehead in the most endearing way and she wanted to stroke it back into place and watch it fall again. God help her, she enjoyed watching him in all his personas, but this melding of the professional and the relaxed might be the sexiest she had seen him yet. It took a conscious effort to stop watching him pace. He came back to the coffee table, picked up his mug and saluted her with it, mouthing the words ‘thank you’ and then sipped, taking the coffee with him as he continued his call. Olivia was relieved when her own phone beeped with a text until she saw it was Jack McCoy’s number on the ID. She stood to intercept Rafael, showing him the ID then checked the message. Rafael nodded and tried to wrap up his call.
Forty-five minutes later they were walking into the SVU bullpen, Rafael’s assistant was already there waiting for him. He disappeared into a corner with her and Olivia sat at Fin’s desk to get an update on the few hours she’d been gone. Sonny and Amanda were out, as were the loaners they’d been sent.
“You could use my office while you’re being me, you know.”
“Nah, Lieu, that’s too much like being in charge for real.” Fin scoffed at Olivia but all in fun. “How’s he holdin’ up?” Fin nodded in the direction Barba had gone, behind a divider. “And you?”
“I think’s he’s doing ok, a little bit of cabin fever, a lot of thankfulness to be alive after Friday,” Olivia shrugged one shoulder. “He’s not the most open book.”
“To anyone else maybe, but to you?” Fin shrugged as well, indicating something besides doubt. “I think if he was open to any of us, it’d be you.”
Olivia would have asked for more explanation but the phone rang and she got up as Fin answered it, going into the break room. There wasn’t anything in there she wanted other than to avoid hearing about a case she couldn’t do anything about until Wednesday. She trusted her crew to take care of business. There was a stack of months out of date magazines piled on the table so she sat and tried to be interested in articles about solving the Winter Blues and realistic New Year’s Resolutions. Considering school was nearly out and Summer was on the horizon, her interest was diminishing quickly in the magazines.
She thought maybe she would plan a trip to the shore soon, Noah would like that. She had plenty of real vacation days saved up, just never the opportunity to use them for fun. She wouldn’t need the extra help but could invite Lucy anyway, she was also a school kid ready for fun, just of a collegiate sort. Lucy may not want to go along with her part time boss and charge, but then again she might like to get out of the city. That wicked voice in the back of her head told her she knew someone else who would likely enjoy some time away from the city, but she ignored that voice. The idea of a weekend away with Rafael was more appealing than she wanted to admit, even if it was just as friends.
Dodds found her in the break room.
“Tutuola said I could find you here. He gave me the stink eye though, do you think he knows I know about the coffee?”
Olivia laughed despite herself, “That’s his default expression, don’t take it serious, none of the rest of us do.”
“Perps do.”
“Yeah, it works in our favour to just let Fin be Fin.” Olivia gestured to her own coffee and gave Dodds a thumbs up, then pointed to the coffeemaker, indicating it was the good stuff. Dodds nodded and murmured ‘thank you’ before fixing himself a cup. He sat and savoured it before speaking again, still quietly as the walls always had ears in a cop shop and he knew it.
“You know something, Lieutenant, if the NYPD had field promotions, you’d be a Captain already several times over.” He sipped his coffee, watching her over the cup.
Nonplussed, Olivia replied, “That’s a hell of an opener.”
“I apologize, sometimes I forget the lead up and jump to the middle of a conversation. I should have asked if you are interested in being a Captain, if you could someday see yourself in my job, for instance.”
“No, yes, I mean,” she took a deep breath and started again. “No, I don’t want your job, but I would like the opportunity to take the Captain’s exam. I like the job I have now, thank you.”
“You are an institution in the SVU, followed closely by Tutuola, and you do a great job. But there is more out there, you are aware.”
“There is a lot out there, but more than that there is still more to do right here. I want my team, my squad to be the best in the city,” Dodds murmured ‘they are’ behind his coffee cup and Olivia ignored him and went on, “I want to be able to test every backlogged rape kit in this city and every other city and have a database of information that we all share city to city and state to state so perpetrators can’t jump jurisdictions and get away with more crimes. I want to be able to show other stations how to build a strong squad that will work hard for victims and work with their ADAs to put suspects away. I want to be able to call on people like George who really helped us when he worked with us, not just with victims and suspects but with each other so we could be the strong squad we are. I want to be able to show a plan to other squads about how to do what they do better and not get burned out or lose relationships. I want to stay here doing what I do, being part of the solution.” Olivia realized she’d gone on a bit of a tangent, her passion for her work getting the best of her as it could sometimes. She sipped her coffee and waited for her boss to rein her in. He smiled broadly instead.
“Captain’s exam is coming up in a few months, be sure you have time to study.” Dodds smiled again, making Olivia worry for a moment, then toasted her with his cup, finished his coffee and rinsed the cup. “I’ll make sure you get a head’s up, not unfairly of course, within IAB standards of fair warning, ok?” He nodded as if she had agreed rather than just sitting there looking at him as if he’d just slapped her upside the head. He left the break room grinning like he’d won something.
Time passed, how much Olivia didn’t know. She drank another cup of coffee and thought hard about what her boss may or may not have meant. Rafael found her eventually, putting his briefcase on the table and sitting in the chair next to her. He had changed before they left his place from worn jeans into a dark suit, when he put one foot up on his other knee she could see he had on red socks with a black paisley pattern woven in, matching the solid red tie he wore. She figured there were also coordinating suspenders under the jacket. She noted all this in an instant as she always did, as well as noticing that he hadn’t slicked his hair back as he usually did, had only combed it down and it was relaxed now, threatening to fall across his forehead, how dare it. No wonder he kept it contained, he couldn’t have his unruly hair putting lie to his cool and contained control in the courtroom or during a tense plea deal. The very thought of such a thing made her smile.
“Are you ready then?”
He nodded, “Done for now, shouldn’t need to be back soon unless something breaks on a current SVU case, and nothing’s breaking on the other,” his sideways head jerk indicated the situation keeping him from his office and trapped at home.
“In that case, let’s get out before someone puts us back to work.” Olivia stood and Rafael joined her and grabbed his briefcase. He put his hand on the small of her back as they entered the elevator, as he usually did. Olivia knew that it was a courtesy and that it was habit and likely unconscious on his part, certainly she hardly took note of it most of the time. Today, however, having an unsettling talk with her boss, it felt comforting. She held the moment to her, in her imagination, adding it to the many moments she treasured with those she cared about and more moments she saved with Rafael than she liked to admit.
Olivia took a circuitous route away from the station, watching for anything suspicious. The drive was uneventful and quiet. Rafael loosened his tie, wishing he could reach in and loosen the Kevlar vest but knew that would get him in trouble, while they were driving he was not the one in charge, Olivia was, and she wouldn’t sympathize with his needing out of the tin can. He wondered what had happened at the squad room that had her looking so introspective. He knew it wasn’t their aborted conversation from earlier because on the way to the station she had been joking and talking with him despite being watchful and careful in her driving and her attention to surroundings.
“Penny for them, I can even go as high as a dime.”
That got a smile from her at least, even if it was only her half-smile, he still found it lovely.
“My boss has made it clear he expects me to take the Captain’s exam when it comes up soon. He made noises about plans outside of SVU. I made it clear I have no intention of leaving SVU. I’m not done yet. Maybe I’ll never be done, but I have to keep trying to make things better, not just here.”
“You do, Liv, you make things better every day for victims and survivors,” for me, he wanted to say but didn’t, “every life you touch, every co-worker you have, every person you have silently supported in the courtroom, you have made things better. Change is slow to come but you have made good changes in your job and for your staff.” Rafael hesitated before suggesting, “Maybe a larger platform would lead to changes for a larger group of those same people you help every day.”
“No, I’m a boots-on-the-ground girl, not command structure.”
“I hate to break it to you, Lieutenant,” Rafael emphasized her correct rank, “but you are already command structure.”
“And as a Captain I could still work cases if I needed to, especially if we continue to be shorthanded. Anything outside of that will keep me buried in paperwork and bureaucrats, which I already dislike.”
Rafael made a harrumph sound in response.
Olivia shot him a side-glance, “Present company excepted. Though I don’t see you as bureaucracy, I see you as a team-mate.”
“Thanks, I think.” His delivery said he wasn’t sure but his wry grin said he knew what she meant. “Hey, how far out of our way do you have to go on this Tour-de-New York?” He didn’t recognize anything around them though he knew they were still on the island because they hadn’t taken a bridge or a tunnel.
“Surprise. I’m hungry and that means you’re past starving, I’m amazed that you haven’t gnawed my arm off.”
“I never gnaw. Not without permission.”
Olivia laughed as she pulled into a driveway, an actual drive through burger joint she was certain he wasn’t known to frequent, so they would be safe since nobody was following. As soon as they had their order, with a minimum of arguing over who would pay, they were on their way again and arrived at Rafael’s building fast enough that the food was still plenty hot to enjoy. There was another argument about whether Olivia would come up and have a late lunch or if she’d take her food home. Rafael won by taking the sack full of burgers and fries and heading to the elevator. The effect was a bit ruined by the fact that Olivia had the swipe card to open the elevator and she had their milkshakes. This didn’t prevent Rafael from giving her a smug look as the elevator closed with them both inside.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Tuesday afternoon Olivia got a text from Rafael. His mountain of dry cleaning was done. She had been contemplating cleaning a closet just to have something to do and was happy to delay that chore for another season to two. She texted back a simple ‘on it’ and left her apartment.
When she got to Rafael’s building, she parked and opened the back door of the car and contemplated how to transport all those suits safely upstairs. She heard the elevator and turned, ready to give Rafael a tongue lashing for leaving his apartment but saw it was Theo smiling at her.
“Hey Lieu, Mr. Barba called down to tell us that you were coming over with things you might need some assistance with, if it’s ok for me to help?”
“Sure, is that part of your normal duties?”
“Well, we usually help the residents with things if we can. Mr. Barba is very self-reliant but right now we’d all be happier if he stayed safe and let us take the brunt of his dry cleaning.”
Theo was pulling a cart behind him off the elevator, the kind of luggage rack that high end hotels would use for guests. He continued to grin as he approached Olivia. “Full service, that’s our specialty.”
Olivia grinned back, “You know I was wondering how I was going to get a dozen suits upstairs without wrinkles or making a million trips. Thank you.”
“It really is my pleasure, Lieu, we all think the world of Mr. Barba, we’d be happy to help with anything.”
Facets and facets, Olivia thought to herself, there were more than she expected to her friend Rafael. She wanted to ask so many questions but didn’t want to invade his privacy by grilling the security staff at his building, but obviously there was a reason that they liked him, some reason they felt he was their own. She was itching to know what it was. Instead she chatted easily with Theo as they hung the suits on the rolling rack and then they took the elevator up. There were fifteen suits, she counted.
After Rafael let them in and emptied the cart into his closet and Theo left, he offered Olivia coffee.
“Sure, thanks. I never thought of you as a clothes-horse, but you own a lot of suits. How long since you visited your dry cleaner?”
Rafael had his back to her, pouring coffee. “Over a month, closer to six weeks.” He turned and handed her a cup, taking his own to the couch, inviting her with a nod to join him. “Carmen took a few for me and picked them up as well, but I hate making her do that kind of thing. She’s my assistant not my valet.” He sipped his coffee, too hot. He sat the cup on the coffee table an drew his legs up onto the couch, turning to lean on the arm, a position Olivia was coming to realize was habit for him. Today he was in what she though of as his home uniform, jeans and a tee-shirt. He was barefoot, his hair falling over his forehead making him look young, collegiate, she wondered if this is what he looked like when he was a student at Harvard.
“I buy a new suit at least every year, I have since I passed the bar. The good news is that a well made suit never goes out of style. On the other hand, it has been a while since I passed the bar, so I guess it may look like a lot all at once like that,” he gestured toward his bedroom where the suits were hung in the closet, still in their dry cleaners covering. Olivia couldn’t see them from here but he figured she could imagine. “And now that I am stuck working mostly from home I won’t be wearing one every day, so I hope that I won’t have a pile of them again before we get this situation resolved.” He tried his coffee again, leaning sideways toward the table, still too hot.
“No judgement, just wondering,” Olivia said. She’d also put her coffee on the table, stretching out on the couch, socked feet up and she realized this was becoming her habit as well. It made her smile. “I think until recently I might have imagined that you sprung full grown and suited from the womb.” She chuckled at his expression.
“Mi mamá would tell you that I sprang from the womb arguing and complaining the whole time. It’s not true.”
Eventually the coffee cooled and they enjoyed it, just reminiscing about the good parts of their childhoods, stories about their college years, anything but work.
“Do you have time for another or do you need to get Noah from school?” Rafael held up his now empty cup.
Olivia checked the time, surprised she’d lost track of it. “He has dance class, Lucy takes him. I should get back home. Thanks though, this was lovely.” She got up and took her mug to rinse in the sink, Rafael followed.
Rafael wanted to invite her and Noah to spend the weekend again, for a lot of reasons, but mostly on the off chance that he and Olivia might fall asleep watching old movies again and he’d have the opportunity to hold her. He wanted a lot more than that but would take what he could get. In this instance he wasn’t proud and he’d enjoy her platonic affection if that was what was on the table. He made it his life’s work to craft words into weapons, to get what he wanted. He found it disconcerting that words abandoned him in this instance. He had a flash of understanding that he didn’t want weapons against Olivia, that manipulating her with words was the opposite of what he wanted. No wonder he felt so uncharacteristically tongue-tied. He sighed a little and Olivia turned from the sink toward where he leaned against the counter.
“Hey, I know this stay at home thing sucks, but it will be over soon,” she said, leaning against the counter with him, misinterpreting his forlorn expression.
His head was bowed and he watched her from under his brow, his hair doing the adorable thing where it fell over his forehead. Olivia wanted desperately to reach out and stroke it back into place, to slide her palm down to cup his cheek, to offer comfort, to offer more than comfort. Both of them barefoot put him an inch or two taller than her, perfect to fold herself to his side and tuck her head under his, as she had woken both mornings she’d slept at his place. She wanted, she wasn’t sure exactly what, but more of something, more of this, whatever it was growing stronger between them. But what if he didn’t feel that, what if she was imagining this sweet tension, this attraction only one sided. She reached out and put one hand on his shoulder, that would be safe enough as a gesture, wouldn’t it? She could smell the faintest hint of his cologne, something citrusy, of course it was. She smiled, wondering if his entire bathroom was filled with citrus scented things and she couldn’t believe she hadn’t snooped when she had the chance.
Rafael turned toward Olivia, leaning into her touch, wanting to reach out in return, unsure how or even what she would welcome. But he saw only her soft smile, her eyes filled with something that looked hopeful but uncertain. Was she as confused by whatever this was as he and if so how were they ever going to find a way to talk about it if they were both so wary, of each other and themselves.
Rafael’s eyes darkened, Olivia watched his pupils dilate so far that she knew he felt something similar to her own attraction, even if it was just his body’s response to her closeness. She stepped closer, never losing eye contact, keeping space between them, but open and inviting him to meet her halfway to whatever this was becoming.
“Liv,” he said and the way the tip of his tongue touched the underside of his upper lip when he said her name sent a shiver down her spine as if her nickname on his lips was a kiss. He closed the distance and Olivia realized that her body was responding too, that her eyes must be showing him exactly what she had been hiding even from herself for longer than she knew. She nodded, agreeing with whatever might come next.
Rafael reached out and put his hands on her hips, pulling her into him, her other hand came up and she slid both arms around his neck, meeting him, his hands slid around her back. Their lips met, softly at first, exploring, getting to know each other a whole new way.
Rafael traced her lips with his tongue, she opened for him and he licked inside, kissing her like she was water in the desert and he’d been dying before he found her. She welcomed him and then explored in return, teasing her own tongue past his teeth to tease at his soft palate and gums, then retreating when he did the same, allowing him to taste her as she had him. Her hands slid up into his hair, finally allowed what she had wanted for days, forever. His own hands slid down her back, cupping her ass to pull her hard against him. His mouth didn’t leave hers as he groaned his pleasure when she raised one knee to let him press against her, the denim they were wearing not hiding at all his response. She let her hands trail down his back and slid over his ass as his had to her, she slid her hands in his back pockets and gripped, pulled, letting him know she liked what she felt.
The kiss went on, building and turning from exploring to knowing, from tentative to confident, and neither wanted to stop. Rafael slid one hand off Olivia’s ass and down her thigh that she’d raised, holding her leg as his hips pushed and she met him with her own, her head angled so their deepened kiss could continue as their bodies joined in the getting to know you phase.
Rafael finally pulled his mouth from hers, kissing a trail to her ear and whispering, “Liv, I’ve wanted to kiss you like this for too long, we need to stop.”
Olivia turned her head toward him, “Stop, really?”
“You know I haven’t lived like a monk, at least not most of my life. In the interest of full disclosure, I lost my virginity the Summer before my senior year of high school and I had a lot of fun at University despite a part time job and a full class load.” He slid his hand back up her leg, letting her stand on her own feet but keeping her in the circle of his arms, close. “I would say my experience has been interesting and varied. But I am finding myself reliving being sixteen right about now.”
“That’s, ah,” Olivia’s pause was brief, “flattering? You’re gonna go off like a rocket and be ready again in half an hour?”
Rafael laughed out loud in surprise. “Not the aspect of sixteen I was re-experiencing, to be honest, though you can time me to check.” His voice turned serious, “No Olivia, I am worried that what we want might not mesh, that I might do something that you hate or makes you uncomfortable.” He leaned his forehead against hers, continued in a whisper, “Is it terribly wrong and selfish to wish we had met years ago when neither of us had so much life experience, before our jobs showed us every ugly facet of humanity, when we could experiment and experience new things and not have them overshadowed by all the things life has shoved at us?”
Olivia tipped her head just enough to ghost her lips over his, then took his face in her hands to lean back and look him in the eyes. Despite the serious turn of their conversation his eyes were dilated, pupils blown wide with arousal and she knew hers matched. “Rafa, my sweet, sweet man, that might be the most beautiful wish I have ever heard.” She brushed his lips with hers again, a little more firmly. “Let’s promise to do our best to communicate, to always be clear with our wants, to be clear as we can between the two of us. If something is a hard no, let’s try to see it as a chance to explore and not personal. We have histories, both of us, and not always pleasant histories at that.” She saw his brow draw into a frown, tried to head off the shadow of some of the past she knew he was thinking of, “No. No thinking of that now. It has no place here between us.” She could see he wanted to say something and knew what it was so continued on as if he weren’t about to say it, “Nobody is to blame but him, not you and not me. And we aren’t going to speak his name right now. We both know you have all the facts, but that’s not the emotions. I worked hard to get past those and if you have some too, we can cope with that, together. But you, you my sweet man, are not ever to blame.” She kissed him one more time, softly, to seal her words.
“I will always feel guilty for what happened,” he said. She drew in breath to speak but he reached up and put a finger over her lips, “I’m a Catholic, guilt is inescapable for us.” She smiled behind his finger, rolled her eyes at him. “I agree that communication is an important tool, and we can use that one as much as we need.” Her hands slipped off his cheeks and around to the back of his neck, one stroking his hair and the other sliding beneath his collar to trace patterns on his skin. He moved his finger from her lips and placed his hand at her waist, both hands pulling her closer so they were pressed together again, belly to knees. “Right now I would rather show than tell.” He leaned in, watching her for denial but she smiled and met him, pressing the rest of their bodies close, her breasts pressed to his chest and her arms working around to hold him closer. Their eyes remained open as their mouths met, soft exploring kisses quickly turning heated again and then their eyes closed.