Chapter Text
These were the times when I didn't love what my life had become. I could handle the long hours of work, the constant interviews and press junkets, and I have to admit that performing for thousands of fans was the best fucking feeling in the world. I loved the buzz it gave me; the way it made me feel like my blood had been replaced by electricity. But it was the down time that got to me. The excruciating hours on the tour bus, traveling down road after road, through city after city that were all just stops along the way instead of places to explore and actually experience.
The days on the bus gave me too much time to think, my mind racing with thoughts of all that I was missing out on, which inevitably led to me cursing myself for not being more grateful for my life. I knew that I would be devastated if this wave were to end, and sometimes I felt the pressure to keep it going, to achieve more and more and more and to not let the other boys down like a physical weight upon my shoulders. I knew that I'd lucked out by getting into the group in the first place. My audition was shit, I couldn't dance, and I didn't have the charm and outgoing personality that the other lads had that made them so appealing to the fans.
I often wished that I could be more like Harry, with his cheeky comments and bright smile that no one seemed to be able to resist returning. He was always quick with a joke, and though they were often shit he couldn't seem to care less about the fact that no one ever laughed at them. I found myself trying to keep up with him, attempting to become a funnier and better version of Zayn when he was nearby.
These thoughts were swirling nonstop in my head as I attempted to rest in my bunk. We'd finished up a show a few hours before and were headed to some other city in Texas. At that point I wasn't even sure where; the States were so huge and so spread out that if I focused on the distance and endless open countryside too much it led to a dizziness that I wanted to avoid.
For once I was relieved to hear Louis shouting from the front of the bus, knowing that sleep wasn't going to come to me anytime soon. He was yelling something about Truth or Dare, and while I knew that it wasn't the wisest choice to join in on any of his antics, I couldn't help but think that a drink and some fun might help steer my thoughts in a more positive direction.
I pulled on a t-shirt and hopped down from my bunk, running a hand through my quiff to make sure that it was still perfect. It may have just been the guys on the bus, but I swore that sometimes I worried more about impressing them than I did the fans. As I headed towards the common area I could hear all of the guys laughing, and I felt myself smile for the first time in hours. I walked through the doorway to see Louis on one sofa with Harry sitting on the floor in front of him, Liam on the other sofa and Niall perched on the kitchen table. Niall's cheeks were a bright pink and he was clutching his stomach as he cackled, spilling a bit of his beer onto his shirt. They all had drinks in their hands and the bastards had obviously been partying for quite a while before asking me to join them. Liam, as usual, was the only one who seemed even remotely sober.
I reached down to the small fridge and pulled out a beer. "Anybody need a bevy?" I asked.
"One for me!" Harry shouted with a grin. I smirked at him and passed it over before taking a seat next to Liam.
"What're we playing?"
"Truth or dare!" they all yelled in unison. I swear, being in a boy band was starting to impact our day to day lives as well. Next we would all be dressing alike and performing air grabs as we walked down the street.
"Truth or dare, Zayn?" Harry asked.
"Dare I guess," I groaned. I didn't particularly like this game as I was always afraid of embarrassing myself in front of my mates.
"I dare you to chug your beer. You need to catch up to me," Harry said with a wink. I rolled my eyes but tilted my beer up, swallowing as quickly as I could while the boys chanted "drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker, drink!" Okay, maybe they were a little more pissed than I'd thought.
I finished the beer and felt it burn in my stomach. I hadn't eaten since before the concert, something I realized may have been a mistake when my eyes started to blur as I watched Harry crawl on the floor to grab another beer from the fridge. I felt my cheeks heat as he slowly made his way back to me and handed me a drink, cursing myself for not being able to tear my eyes away from him. Damn, I really was a lightweight. Yeah, that was all it was. Sure.
Wanting to push those uncomfortable thoughts out of my head, I put the bottle to my mouth, noticing Harry licking his lips as I did so. I looked away, taking several gulps. I glanced towards Louis, who was watching me with an strange look on his face. Shit. The last thing I wanted was for him to get suspicious. Not that there was anything to be suspicious about, but still.
Hoping to get his attention off of me, I turned to Niall. "Truth or dare, mate?"
"Three guesses and the first two don't count," he barked out in his thick accent.
"Dare it is," I giggled. Shit, if I was giggling already I might be in trouble. I shrugged it off and took another long pull on my beer, enjoying the relaxed feeling that was settling through my body and helping to numb that racing thoughts that had been plaguing me. "Well, you're not supposed to be drinking at all since we're in America, but since we're already ignoring that law I dare you to take a shot of vodka."
Niall and Louis groaned simultaneously, which I'd expected from Niall since he hated to drink anything but beer. I looked over at Lou, who sneered, "Oh, now I remember why no one calls you the 'Bradford bad boi' anymore."
I felt my cheeks heat up even more and my stomach clench a little, but I forced myself to laugh along with everyone else as I took a few more drinks of my beer. As I finished it I noticed Harry nudge Louis' knee with his shoulder and mouth "Lay off him," which had me letting out a genuine laugh.
Niall brought my attention back to game as he said, "No worries, mate. As far as I am concerned while we're stuck on this bus we are in the international land of lawlessness," before tossing back the shot that Liam had poured for him. "Oi fuck damn, that shit is nasty," he grimaced once he got it down, his lips puckering. We all laughed as I pulled out a sixer and handed one to everyone, keeping two for myself. I needed to catch up, after all.
The game continued for another round, with more drinks and shots being consumed. I heard a loud buzzing in my head and my eyes were starting to blur even more, giving everything a dreamlike quality. I couldn't stop stealing glances at Harry. He just lit up the room, and I found my heart beating a little harder every time I heard him laugh or saw him flip his hair back.
My furtive looks didn't go unnoticed by Louis, who seemed to get angrier with each drink he took, which was unusual for the normally upbeat lad. I started to feel paranoid, wondering what I'd done to annoy him. And then I started to get angry. This was the first time I had relaxed in what felt like forever, why couldn't he just let me be?
When it was my turn to ask again, I looked over at Lou and asked him if he wanted truth or dare. "Truth," he responded without looking at me. Oh now, he doesn't bother looking at me? What the fuck was going on with him? I could feel my annoyance building as I tried to think of a good question.
"What crawled up your ass and died?" I asked him bluntly. Harry burst out laughing, which made me feel a shot of pride until I looked back at Louis and saw him glaring at me. Fuck, I probably shouldn't have taken the piss out of him when he was already angry at me.
"Well, Zayn, you see it just annoys me when I see you trying so hard to show off. Is there someone here you're particularly wanting to impress?" he asked without taking his eyes off of me.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes, trying to ignore the fist forming in my stomach. Liam cleared his throat. "Alright boys, it's just a game now. Your turn to ask, Louis."
Louis continued to stare at me before glancing down at Harry. I saw a wicked grin spread across his face and took a big chug of my drink, trying to push down the anxiety spreading though me. "Harry, truth or dare," he said and I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Dare!" Harry shouted, pumping a fist in the air and grinning widely. I swear the cheeky bastard wasn't even aware of the tension in the room, which kind of made me love him even more. As a friend of course.
"I dare you to kiss Zayn."
I coughed and sputtered out a sip of my beer, immediately realizing that Louis planned on embarrassing me when Harry refused the dare. "That's stupid, what are we, in the fourth fucking grade?" I spat out at him indignantly.
I looked towards Harry and rolled my eyes again before noticing that he was already crawling over to me with a shit-eating grin on his face. Damn, did he really have to be on his hands and knees? I gulped and a bit of nervous laughter bubbled out of me. He straightened up on his knees between my legs before looking into my eyes.
"You know I never turn down a dare," he said with a wink. I felt my heart start to pound as he put his hands on my cheeks and pulled my face towards him. I sat up quickly and licked my lips before reminding myself that this wasn't something I wanted, just something that I had to get through. His tongue darted out to wet his pink - why were they always so fucking pink? - lips and I couldn't help but stare at them as he inched closer. Our lips grazed briefly and a jolt of electricity shot through me. I immediately pulled away and averted my eyes away from Harry, looking at anything else I could. Anything that wasn't him. The other guys were booing and Niall was giving us two thumbs down.
"That's bullocks, put on a show," he grumbled. I was about to protest when I felt Harry pull my shirt towards him, causing our lips to crash together. I gasped in surprise, allowing Harry to slip his tongue into my mouth. As soon as he did I heard a whooshing in my ears, blocking out the sounds of our band mates. Blocking out everything but Harry, and his lips, and his perfect, perfect tongue.
My head tilted a little to the side of it's own volition, and I felt my tongue slip into Harry's mouth. He moaned a little, and the sound made me come alive. I felt like I could feel him everywhere, from the tips of my fingers down to the pit of my stomach. I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted to hear that moan again. To be the cause of that moan again.
My hands reached for Harry's chest at the same time that his slid from my face down to my lower back, putting pressure there to bring me closer to his body. I felt my cock stir as our tongues continued to stroke one another's. I was just about to slide my hand down his chest to the front of his trackies when the sound of Niall's nervous laughter broke me out of my reverie. I pulled away just as Harry did, my cheeks flaming even more when I realized just how hard I was breathing. And just how hard I was.
Harry turned to look at the other boys with a naughty grin in place. "That's how you do it boys. Nobody does a dare better than Haz," he laughed gleefully.
Everyone laughed along with him but Louis and me. Harry then dared Liam to give Niall a lap dance before yawning and saying that he was headed to bed. Everyone knew not to argue with Harry when he wanted to sleep so we all groaned out a quick goodnight. I was tempted to follow him, to my own bunk of course, but the throbbing in my lower region kept me firmly planted in my seat.
The game continued and thankfully the only thing I had to do was drink more. I was glad to accept those dares, hoping to drown out the uneasy feelings flooding through me. After about ten minutes I'd calmed down enough to excuse myself and I headed towards the sleeping area. The boys were talking about playing Grand Theft Auto, so I knew they wouldn't be coming to bed anytime soon.
I walked towards my bunk and paused to remove my t-shirt and trackies and throw them onto my unmade bed. As I pulled my shirt over my head I heard a loud grunt from the bunk directly below mine. Harry's bunk. I froze where I stood and held my breath, trying to listen. I could hear heavy breathing and a slow slapping sound that made my heart beat a little faster. As the seconds went by the slapping seemed to speed up a bit, as did my heart rate.
Now I had always been a fan of comic books and superheros, but never before had I so wished for x-ray vision and supersonic hearing. But even without any super powers it was pretty obvious what Harry was doing, and the thought of it made all of my blood rush back to my dick.
As quietly as I could, I crawled up into my bunk, leaving the curtain open a little so that I could hear better. My cock was fully hard by the time I lied down, straining against the confines of my black boxer briefs. I wasted no time in pulling them down, not bothering to push them past my knees as my dick bounced up against my stomach, leaking already.
I licked my palm and wrapped it around myself, turning my head towards the opening in the curtain, and I could just make out the soft moans coming from below. I figured that this meant he hadn't heard me come to bed, and my breathing began to pick up in anticipation as I rubbed my thumb across my tip and the spread the moisture there over the rest of me.
I wanted to savor this but I could hear Harry's pants getting louder and I didn't want him to finish before me. I heard a low moan from him and couldn't hold back my own, my hand starting to move faster and my eyes squeezing shut. Images of Haz in the bed below me flashed through my mind, and I started fisting myself furiously. I imagined him naked on top of his sheets, biting his lip as he thrusted into his hand.
The image of him in my bunk with me appeared in my mind next, him kneeling above me and pumping both of our cocks at the same time as he stared down at me. The thought was too much for me, picturing him coming onto my stomach as I grunted out his name and came as well, our juices mingling together, hot and sticky on my abs.
My shoulders arched off of the bed as I came as hard as I could ever remember, biting my lip to avoid making too much noise. I could hear Harry coming as well, short gasps followed by a loud grunt falling from his lips before I heard him moan out one word.
"Zayn."
I froze immediately, torn between a still overwhelming lust and a sickening feeling of guilt. That was undoubtedly one of the best orgasms of my life, but why had I felt the need to do it while listening to Harry? And it was a need; I'd felt like I had no choice in the matter. Like I would have been fighting against gravity itself to keep my hand off my dick in that moment. And fuck if it didn't feel fantastic.
I tried to brush off the feeling that I had done something wrong, rationalizing that I wanked almost every night anyway, so it wasn't really a big deal if I did it at the same time that someone else was doing it. Right?
And had I really heard Harry say my name when he came? That couldn't be. Had he heard me? Shit, what had I done now? I quickly cleaned myself up, pulled my pants back on and rolled over. I still was pretty buzzed, which was good because I knew that sleep was the only thing that would stop these nagging thoughts. But despite the confusion I felt, I still drifted off to sleep with a lazy smile on my face.