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“Right, babe, my back is killing me so I think it’s time for bed,” Ben says, pulling himself slowly up from where he’s laid across Callum’s lap, his back creaking as he sits up and fuck, he’s getting old. It’s almost painful to tear himself away from Callum’s hands sweeping through his hair, but his back keeps twinging and he’s having trouble keeping his eyes open, and there’s no way he’ll be able to sleep like this.
Eventually, he shifts himself off the sofa and onto his feet, and holds a hand out to Callum. There’s a tiny flash of what he’s sure is anxiety across his face, but it’s so quick and he’s so tired that he doesn’t pay it any mind.
“I’ll, uh, be in in a minute,” Callum replies, and takes Ben’s hand, stroking a thumb over the back of it. “Just gonna finish the end of this show, there’s only a couple minutes left I think.”
“Fine, but you better not be long, I want cuddles before bed and I think I’m so tired I might just fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow,” Ben yawns, and presses a kiss to Callum’s forehead, before turning back to the stairs.
-
When Ben’s somewhat aware again, the first thing that he notices is that his boyfriend still isn’t by his side. The sheets are still cold when he stretches a hand out, and a little groan escapes his mouth. All he wanted was a little cuddling, was that really too much to ask?
Eventually, he pulls himself out of the covers with another groan at the way his back cracks. There’s a tiny bit of light that leaks through the crack between the door and the frame, and he assumes that Callum’s probably ended up falling asleep in front of the television. There’s a thought at the back of his mind, something nagging at him telling him that he should be thinking more about the flash of worry he’d seen earlier, but he tells himself it’s probably nothing, that he’s overthinking it.
He goes downstairs either way, quiet so that he doesn’t wake up Lexi who’s (hopefully) asleep just down the hall. He finds the light still on in the living room, and pushes open the door. Where he’s expecting to find Callum slumped, asleep, across the sofa, he’s sat upright against the arm, staring blankly straight ahead of him, fists clenched and red around his eyes.
Ben walks into the room cautiously, wary of catching his boyfriend off guard but he sees him immediately, smiles straight at Ben as if there’s nothing wrong, and it breaks Ben’s heart.
Why are you up? Callum signs, and the sight of little red crescents on his palms, from where he’s pressed his nails in too tight sends a jolt through Ben
“Woke up and you weren’t there,” Ben says, easing himself onto the sofa, and suddenly his aching back doesn’t feel so important. “What’s going on?”
Nothing, Callum signs, all too quickly, and if it hadn’t been before it’s obvious now that he’s covering, trying desperately to distract him.
“Baby, have you been crying?” he says, and Callum’s face falls, curling back into himself like he knows that he’s got no chance of hiding this. His fists clench again, and Ben can’t stop himself from reaching a hand forward to catch the one nearest to him, forcing the fingers out and stroking gently over the little indents there, wishing he could just rub them away like this. He can’t, though, but he can stay here- he’s good at this apparently, comforting, holding like this. At least, that’s what Callum tells him; he’s not too sure himself.
“Talk to me,” he says quietly, leaning just a little so that he can press a small kiss against the inside of Callum’s wrist, where he knows the other man is ticklish. He pulls away just slightly, and the next time he looks up there’s a small smile on Callum’s face, before he looks away. He pulls his hand away for a moment, so that he can sign to him-
It’s stupid , he signs, then rubs his hands across his thighs. Immediately, Ben takes them both in his, curling their fingers together.
“It’s not, if it’s bothering you,” Ben says. “I promise you, I won’t laugh. I just want to help.”
He watches Callum sigh, and then squeeze Ben’s hands where they’re wrapped around his own, before pulling away.
I keep thinking something bad’s going to happen, Callum signs, but doesn’t turn back to look at Ben, and he can see the way the embarrassed blush climbs up to the tips of his ears. It’s stupid. That’s why I don’t want to sleep.
Fuck , it breaks Ben’s heart. He’s turned away, but Ben can feel the shame in him, the way that he’s convincing himself that he’s stupid for feeling like this. He knows he’s not going to fix all of this at once, that it’s going to take longer than just tonight to change Callum’s mind about himself, but it’s a start at least.
“Hey, look at me,” Ben says, running a hand over Callum’s jaw and pushing it gently, turning him to face him. “It’s not stupid, I promise you. Look, you go and grab a blanket from upstairs and I’ll stick the kettle on, make us both a hot chocolate. I’ll even watch that Planets thing you like if you want, even if you only like it ‘cause you’ve got a crush on Brian Cox.”
Callum looks back to him, and there’s love so clear in his eyes that it’s overwhelming. You serious? I don’t want to keep you up, Lexi will probably be up early.
“Of course I’m serious. More time cuddling with you ain’t exactly a hardship is it?” Ben smiles back. Callum doesn’t say anything else, just leans forward to press a kiss to Ben’s lips.
I love you , Callum signs, and it’s so familiar.
“I love you too, babe,” Ben says, stroking a thumb across Callum’s jaw.
-
When Callum falls asleep, it’s with his head on Ben’s lap, blanket thrown over him and Ben’s fingers threading through his hair. Ben’s made it his mission to make sure that there comes a day when Callum doesn’t feel he has to be ashamed of being scared. For now though just this, Callum peacefully asleep on him, is more than okay with Ben. And when he wakes up in the morning, to the sun shining through the living room curtains and Callum smiling up at him, the sore back is completely worth it.