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heejin finds that she rarely ever escapes from things that haunt her.
they find her in the darkest of places, when shadows are free to extend their hands towards her, lulling her to sleep with emptiness sitting on the edge of the bridge between good thoughts and bad thoughts and she's left desperately trying not to lose her footing. they find her in the brightest of feelings, when happiness shines in her eyes just a bit too purely and somehow, that makes it easier for the bad things to spread ink, turning honey brown eyes into some murky shade that sits on the threshold of both cream and muddy earth.
they hurt—the bad things.
they hurt heejin in ways she can't explain to people, to hyunjin when she asks because she sees something wrong in the way heejin moves—
(and it scares heejin just a little, because doesn't that mean she's showing enough to be vulnerable but not enough to ask for help?)
—to jinsol when she sees heejin in one corner of her coffee shop, holding her mug with hands that showed fingernails trimmed until they were "clean", to sooyoung whenever heejin lags a few beats behind in the middle of a dance routine.
the bad things like to stay.
the thoughts.
they aren't big. not much, heejin would say. the thoughts just tell her possibilities, that she might not be doing enough, that she might be feeling too much, that she might be putting too much effort in something that she'd fail anyway.
the bad things remind her of her reality.
but sometimes, heejin wants to forget.
it's the good things that she finds nice. but good things come by only once every now and then, and "every now and then" is a long time that heejin spends in silence, in the company of her thoughts and people that could've been good things but weren't.
the good things, heejin finds, surround kim jiwoo.
they're neighbors, but they aren't close. with heejin leaving for school at six in the morning and going home a little past eight at night, she doesn't have much time to make friends. kim jiwoo seems like a busy person, too. she goes to a well-known high school that heejin passes by on her way to her own high school, and she always sees people flocking at the gates.
at first, heejin wonders if they're there because they're fans of some students who had already debuted in idol groups.
when sooyoung very aggressively tells her to go home and she—for once—relents, heejin goes home earlier than usual and sees people bumbling around something near the gates of the school her neighbor goes to.
heejin stands on the tip of her toes and sees jiwoo on the receiving end of the gifts the small crowd carries.
the surprise doesn't come until heejin gets home.
she lies on her bed, staring at the ceiling, and thinking that maybe, maybe kim jiwoo really is surrounded by good things.
more than surprise, there's a relatively unknown feeling that rises in her chest out of nowhere, and it eats away at any intention to sleep.
heejin thinks of good things that night. the bad ones hang just around the corner, lingering very, very close, but not quite close enough.
—
kim jiwoo, heejin discovers, has a really, really nice smile.
with the beginning of winter break, heejin's been spending more time at home and at sooyoung's dance studio. heejin rarely ever has time on her hands, and when she does, she finds herself at a loss on how to make use of it.
the first days, heejin spends working out or learning choreographies of songs she loved. a week later, she finds herself stopping by jinsol's coffee shop a lot more often.
in heejin's mind, her neighbor was already a lot of things. pretty and popular, probably good at academics, too, because people don't just get into that school with subpar academic records.
when she sees her sitting atop the podium, behind the piano, heejin wonders why she never stopped to think that kim jiwoo sang, too.
a part of her tells her not to think about it anymore.
heejin doesn't listen.
the first afternoon heejin spends more than a few minutes in jinsol's cafe, away from the comforting darkness of her usual table, it's in winter break and she listens to jiwoo opening her heart out for the world to embrace as their own.
(she hears the song even as she walks home, faint humming in her ears as she watches her boots sink into the snow. she'd wrapped her scarf very loosely around her neck but she feels warmer than usual, somehow.)
heejin goes to jinsol's cafe enough for the older girl to notice.
one day, she walks through the glass doors of the cafe and finds herself being pulled towards a table she isn't familiar with. heejin opens her mouth to speak, but the glint in jinsol's eyes makes her keep her words of protest safely behind her lips. instead, she allows herself to be dragged towards a seat across kim jiwoo, and for once, heejin thinks she might actually be stupid.
"i'll leave you two to get to know each other," is what heejin hears from jinsol before she's out of sight, slinking behind the counter.
heejin looks away when she catches jinsol's eyebrow arching.
she tries not to meet jiwoo's eyes—assuming she's even looking at heejin—but one way or another, her attention finds itself enchanted in the simple way jiwoo holds herself. she eats like heejin isn't there, drinks her coffee like it's cold enough to down like she's only drinking coke.
heejin wonders if she's in awe because of how cute it looked or if she's in awe because she should feel like she's being ignored but she doesn't.
jiwoo answers her thoughts with a choke and a panicked, somewhat pleading water, please, i'm dying.
but, of course, heejin, in all her fidgety awkwardness, never chooses to bring a bottle of water with her because she likes her hands free and in her pockets.
she only panics with jiwoo, standing up to pat her back because well, she doesn't know what else to do.
jinsol comes to their rescue with a glass of water and a mumbled 'why are gay people so useless' under her breath.
heejin freezes.
jinsol walks away like she never said anything.
jiwoo drinks the water in what seems like a couple of gulps, lightly pulls at the cuff of heejin's coat sleeve and gestures for her to sit back down.
then she clears her throat and smiles.
"i heard you had a crush on me."
heejin wishes she had something to choke on, too.
somehow she finds herself talking anyway, telling jiwoo that she has a pretty smile and stuttering out some compliments about her singing. jiwoo's smile gets bigger with every word heejin lets out, and she wonders if she should stop rambling.
in spite of heejin's doubts, jiwoo waits for her to finish before speaking.
"much thanks and—and wow, that's a lot," jiwoo laughs, a bit awkwardly, and heejin shifts in her seat. "jinsol says you play the guitar. wanna play for me sometime? jinsol pays really well."
the sudden shift in topic makes heejin think she said too much, and maybe she did seem like a creep, now that she thinks about it, but she forces the feeling down as soon as she feels it.
vaguely, heejin wonders if it's the actual reason jinsol made jiwoo talk to her, but she says yes, anyway.
—
kim jiwoo, heejin discovers, opens her heart to strangers.
the gigs they do at jinsol's cafe gives heejin and jiwoo time to spend with each other. initially, they just practiced on the days they need to perform, but this proved to be somewhat of a hassle and jinsol tells them they could prepare outside of their work days. heejin, feeling a bit too intrusive, suggests that she simply study the songs at home.
surprisingly enough, it's jiwoo who cuts in and tells her that they could just practice the songs together, since they live next to each other anyway and it won't be much of a hassle to meet up—and wow, heejin's too stunned at the thought of jiwoo recognizing her to say anything back. a minute of silence later, jinsol simply walks away and leaves the decision to them, shrugging and mumbling something about giving way for gay people.
if jiwoo heard it, she doesn't show it, only wearing a smile and talking about the songs she wants to sing. heejin tries to smile back. somewhere in the middle of jiwoo's next sentence, heejin sees her reflection on her phone and thinks she just looks constipated.
the first time they meet up, it's at jiwoo's house, and heejin shrivels up the moment she steps inside. she greets jiwoo's mother with the the loudest "hi" she could muster (it's not much) and subconsciously inches towards jiwoo.
jiwoo just lets out a laugh and links her arms with heejin's. heejin feels her breath get stuck in her throat, but she doesn't say anything.
"hi, mom. this is heejin," she says, smiling. "we're going to have her around more often. please prepare more for dinner!"
jiwoo's mom echoes her last sentence and laughs, giving them a thumbs up.
heejin buries her nose in her scarf, cheeks burning.
jiwoo's room is the first thing heejin sees once they've ascended the stairs, and she nearly walks back out when she catches sight of it. it's so—so clean, a stark difference between the peach-colored walls unmarred by anything and heejin's own cream-colored walls with ten year-old doodles of anime characters. it's almost as clean as hyunjin's room, and heejin really liked hyunjin's room.
is she even allowed to like jiwoo's room?
she feels a dash of discomfort, but when jiwoo turns to look at her and asks what she thinks about her room, heejin tells her it looks very nice and that she loves it.
(she loves spending time with jiwoo, too, but something about saying it scares heejin just a little.)
jiwoo beams.
"pastel colors are really nice. takes away some of the stress," she ushers heejin inside and heejin follows, vaguely noting the click of the doorknob. "very convenient."
heejin stands beside jiwoo's office chair, not knowing what to do. she bounces lightly on her heels, vaguely noting her shaky knees, and helplessly stares at the back of jiwoo's head like it's going to have an answer written on it. jiwoo catches her looking and giggles. heejin feels another blush creeping up her cheeks.
she just doesn't know if it's because of embarrassment or something else.
"first time being in someone else's room?" jiwoo asks, walking over to a wooden drawer.
"no, it's," heejin says, hesitant. "do you just let people into your room like this?"
jiwoo chuckles at that, sending heejin a smile over her shoulder. "yeah, i guess i did it so much as a kid it became a habit."
heejin gives nothing but a nod in response. jiwoo turns back to searching for something in her drawer, and she continues, almost carelessly. "besides, what are you going to do anyway, kiss me?"
surprise makes heejin snap her head in jiwoo's direction, just in time to meet jiwoo's eyes, and jiwoo bursts into giggles again.
"please don't take me seriously," she says, breathless after a bout of laughter, and heejin almost calms down.
but then there's that gleam in jiwoo's eyes again, and heejin's not supposed to notice it this early on in their friendship but she does, and she holds her breath.
"i mean, you're pretty, though," jiwoo says in a lazy drawl, and heejin's almost surprised to find herself holding back a laugh instead of an awkward response. she says the next words in a lower, deeper voice that reminds heejin of the time her mother pretended to be santa. "who says no to pretty girls?"
heejin chokes, and jiwoo laughs, unrestrained.
"i swear i've heard my friend use that line more than once!" jiwoo says in between giggles. "gross, right?"
heejin coughs in response and somehow that makes jiwoo laugh even louder.
—
kim jiwoo, heejin finds, isn't as radiant in the comfort of warm clothes and the quiet, but she's really, really warm.
heejin doesn't know how exactly, but she starts spending way more time in jiwoo's house than her own. she still goes to sooyoung's dance studio and does her gigs with jiwoo at jinsol's cafe, but after that, she just gets dinner at jiwoo's place. thankfully, jiwoo's mom doesn't seem to mind.
jiwoo's two brothers, on the other hand, didn't seem to appreciate heejin's presence as much.
they make their dislike known by pretending heejin doesn't exist, ignoring her when she's trying to start a conversation, and a few other instances that actually kind of stung, if she's being honest. around the second week she spends hanging out in jiwoo's house, heejin simply resorts to squeezing herself against one corner of the couch and trying not to get the boys' attention.
really, she could just stop coming to jiwoo's house so often, but heejin doesn't want that.
(it's kind of funny how she always goes back and forth between her decisions but with this one, this particular thing that's way less relevant compared to her career choices, heejin doesn't want to give in.)
jiwoo notices almost immediately, the glimmer in her eyes fading into something darker when she meets heejin's gaze, faint distress on the creases between her eyebrows.
"why are you doing that," she demands more than asks when she shuts the door behind her. "did they do anything to you?"
heejin sits on jiwoo's bed, eyes on the floor, playing with her hands.
the bad thoughts are here again.
she's overthinking again.
heejin doesn't answer. it's quiet, for a while.
but then jiwoo speaks and this time, she talks quietly, almost as quietly as the way heejin does.
"if they make you uncomfortable, i can always talk to them, you know," she says, and usually heejin would instantly deny everything including her own feelings but there's something in the way jiwoo says it that makes her want to hear more. "it's not hard for me or anything."
there it is—the warmth. it soaks her nerves and settles at the base of her throat.
(heejin wonders if it's alright to describe it as flowers blooming in the summer, because she doesn't quite know what else to say.)
heejin breathes out and looks up at jiwoo. "you don't have to. it's alright. i've probably been intruding too much, anyways."
indignance replaces the guilt on jiwoo's face, and it looks so comical, so unlike the bright smile that she always has on her face that heejin barely manages to hold back a chuckle.
"what are you laughing at," jiwoo says, her voice a little louder. "I'm actually sincerely pissed off here—hey!"
heejin feels a smile playing on her lips. "younger boys are always so petty, though. if you scold them, they'll probably make things worse."
jiwoo's eyebrows are furrowed, but she nods.
"just stay here then."
heejin blinks.
"stay here?" she repeats, slowly. "as in eat dinner in your room, too?"
jiwoo's eyes brighten all of a sudden. "yeah!"
"like... practice songs and stuff here, too?"
"yeah!"
a laugh slips from between heejin's lips.
"is your room becoming a secret hideout or something?"
jiwoo grins, and it isn't as bright as it looks when she's outside and jiwoo's smiling at everyone she locks eyes with, but it makes the dark feel just a bit farther than it usually is.
"our place," jiwoo says, almost smugly. "something like that, yeah."
heejin doesn't think winter should feel this warm.
—
in hindsight, heejin should have known that falling for kim jiwoo was inevitable.
it's written in the way heejin feels a rush in her veins whenever jiwoo grabs her hand and quite literally drags her up the podium when it's their turn to perform. it's written in the way heejin's knees would shake whenever jiwoo feels the need to whisper a joke in heejin's ears and she ends up feeling conflicted on whether she should laugh or feel awkward and ends up doing both anyway. it's written in the way heejin holds her breath whenever jiwoo meets her eyes after a performance and smiles the widest smile she could give.
jinsol tells her it's written in everything she does with or without jiwoo and heejin wonders, as she strums the last chord of spring flower, if she really does look at jiwoo like she deserves the world and more.
she feels fear crawling up her skin, at first. but then she looks at jiwoo, who sings with her heart on her sleeve and love on her lips, and she thinks.
maybe, the good thing's not the things around her, not the people she stays with, not the things she's given, not the way people treat her as if she's a savior of sorts.
but maybe it's the way jiwoo's grin seems just a bit brighter whenever the sun shines down on her, the way laughter bubbles in her chest whenever she tells a joke, the way she talks about taekwondo but never says she's good at it even though she is, the melodies she'd hum whenever she gets absorbed into the pages of her notebook and the lyrics that spill from her pen to the paper—
heejin could list out the most endearing things she finds in jiwoo and she'd never run out.
and maybe, heejin thinks as jiwoo turns her head to look at heejin with a small, satisfied smile blooming on her lips, maybe kim jiwoo's all the good things heejin's ever wanted.
"why are you looking at me like that?" jiwoo asks the moment they step down from the podium, holding heejin's guitar case that she never would've given but had to because jiwoo simply wouldn't shut up about it.
heejin looks at her for a second. looks at the shape of her eyes, the curve of her nose, her cheeks—and reaches out to pinch said cheeks. jiwoo's eyes widen and heejin has to hold back a giggle when jiwoo says her name like it's just a jumble of h's and e's and j's.
she lets go when jiwoo whines for a third time, putting her hands in her hoodie's pocket as she trudges over to their usual table.
(when it became their table and not just a random, unfamiliar table, heejin isn't really sure.)
heejin sits on her side of the table, and looks up to see jiwoo marching over with an annoyed pout on her face. she slides into her own seat, staring daggers at heejin.
"what did you do that for?" she complains, narrowing her eyes. heejin just stares at her and takes a sip of the iced latte that jinsol's prepared for them. jiwoo doesn't miss the way heejin looks at her and points her finger at her, disbelief all over her face. "see! there's that look again—what the hell does that even mean?"
heejin answers with a shrug. jiwoo lets out a 'scandalized' gasp.
"oh no," she says, and heejin notices that mischievous gleam in her eyes again. "am i too cute that i managed to grab the attention of the great jeon heejin, lead guitarist, dancer extraordinaire and gym rat—"
"the last one doesn't sound like much of a compliment," heejin points out, amused.
"—anyway, why are you looking at me like that?" jiwoo asks, crossing her arms. smugly, she adds, "are you going to ask me out or something?"
something flutters in heejin's chest.
it doesn't stop at the tip of her tongue this time.
"something like that," she says, leaning back, trying not to focus on the way the teasing glint in jiwoo's eyes flickered out almost instantly. "if you'd be willing, anyway."
oddly enough, she says that just fine. voice stable, not stuttering.
(heejin doesn't say a thing about the way her hands are shaking inside her pockets, or way she can't stop bouncing her heels, or the dryness of her throat.)
jiwoo doesn't say anything.
but she doesn't leave, or express any intention to leave, so heejin places her hopes on that.
and anyway, even if jiwoo says no—
"word it out properly or i'll say no."
heejin's heart leaps to her throat.
"heejin." amusement lines the curve of jiwoo's lips and fills her eyes. shows in the way she smiles, and— "just ask me out directly, dumbass."
heejin just chokes on her latte.
the amusement in jiwoo's eyes fade and she gapes at heejin, but then heejin recovers and jiwoo's laughing again and heejin tries to laugh but she feels like she's getting purple in the face—
jiwoo just slides a glass of water towards heejin and says, "maybe i should get used to this."
"maybe you should," heejin says, when she's able to take proper breaths.
jiwoo just smiles.
"i could."