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Dean’s face is turned up toward the sun, his eyes closed, feeling the warmth against his skin. He’s trying to focus on just that, not what comes next or what they’ve just accomplished, not what is so obviously missing from this victory.
The diner door jingles behind him and he turns as Sam passes him a to-go container of pie. Sam is beaming, checking his phone every couple seconds to see how close Eileen is.
Dean is happy for him of course. He’s happy for everyone that returned safely, happy that humanity gets to live another day feeling the warmth of the sun on their faces.
Sam is babbling about getting in touch with the Apocalypse World crew, smiling to himself as he lets Dean know everyone is accounted for. Dean nods along, a small smile on his face as he eats his pie leaning up against the trunk of the Impala. He’s happy for them all, really, he is.
If he keeps repeating it to himself maybe he will be able to get over the ache that’s been living in his chest since Jack disappeared and Cas didn’t pop up in his place. He knows The Empty was it, he understands what Cas did brought back a little of the balance they needed to pull this off, but he can’t bring himself to be okay with it. He doesn’t know if he ever will, but he’s smiling through it for Sam. For everyone.
Almost on instinct Dean’s mind reaches out in prayer. He doesn’t say much, just pushes all the things he is feeling out there. Maybe Cas will feel them too, and then at least he will know. If Dean can’t get him back, he just wishes Cas could know.
Dean is half aware that Sam has stopped talking, and he cracks an eye to peer over at him. He’s watching him, the crease between his eyebrows all Dean needs to see to realize he understands what he was doing.
A tentative hand reaches out between them, Sam’s fingers pausing to hover over Dean’s shoulder before shifting down to squeeze his forearm instead.
“I’m sorry, Dean.” Sam whispers and Dean can’t help the small break in his composure as a tear finally breaks free. He holds his container of half eaten pie like a lifeline, knowing if he lets go and lets himself go there he might punch something.
He swallows back a small sob and shakes his head, not even sure how to respond, his mind now screaming into the void with the pain he feels in his chest. Silently he pats Sam’s hand and goes back to playing with his food.
They are standing in silence when Eileen pulls up, and of course she is perceptive enough to understand this might not be the joyous reunion she was hoping for. Sam mentions going back in the diner to grab her something to eat, leaving Dean to regain his composure.
As it turns out, the levee was already starting to crack. Dean holds it together long enough to make sure Sam and Eileen have gotten into the diner before he heaves out a shaking sob. He raises a hand up over his eyes, pressing his fingers against his eyelids in hopes of slowing the stream of tears but it’s no use. He wonders how he is supposed to live the rest of his life like this, how he is just supposed to move on and accept Cas’s sacrifice when he deserved to be here celebrating with them.
He hangs his head, inhaling in shuddering gasps before letting a single plea fall from his lips.
“Cas,” is all he says, puts everything he has into it, everything he has ever felt and all the things he was too afraid to feel.
A few more shaky breaths and he feels like he can pull himself back together again. For now, at least, until they get back to the bunker and he can lock himself away.
He squeezes his eyes shut one last time before raising his head and looking out to the street, and feels his breath punch out of him as his eyes meet squinting blue.
“Dean?” Cas says, a question, unsure if this is real or another trick The Empty is using to torture him.
They stare at each other for a moment, before the pie and plastic container is clattering to the concrete and Dean takes two long strides forward. His arms are around the Angel before he knows it, fists balled into his trench coat at the tears spring back to his eyes.
”How?” Dean croaks against Cas’s collar, his heart and mind racing.
Cas’s hands come up to his back, pulling him ever closer as he buries his face into Dean’s neck, taking a deep breath before answering.
“I don’t know” Cas whispers, voice softer than Dean has ever heard, “It was nothing and then... I heard you.”
Another sob escapes Dean’s lips and he feels himself falling, knees giving out as relief crashes over him, pulling Cas down to the ground in the middle of the parking lot as they both cling to each other. He is afraid to let go, afraid to take a step away for fear he would disappear again.
Distantly he hears Sam call his name, panic at him no longer standing where he had left him, then shoes on the pavement coming to an abrupt halt.
“Wha- Cas?” Sam says, taking a slow step forward and reaching out to grasp Cas’s hand. He hauls them to their feet, Dean still clutching tightly to Cas and Cas’s free arm firm around Dean’s waist as he turns to repeat to Sam the same few words he had given Dean.
There’s a small smile on Sam’s face, Eileen looking much the same beside him when Dean finally pulls away enough to look at them. The pair shuffle into the car, giving Cas and Dean another moment now that they’ve had time to determine this is real.
Dean keeps his hands on Cas’s collar, still refusing to let go as he searches the Angel’s eyes. The same pure joy is etched into his face as the last time Dean saw him, but there is some fear creeping in around the edges the longer Dean stares.
“Cas,” he starts, his voice raspy from crying but he pushes on, “I love you, too.”
The fear bleeds away and Cas is pulling Dean to him again, his face settling back into place against Dean’s neck, and Dean feels himself smiling, really smiling, for the first time as his happiness blooms.
It’s just in saying it, he realizes, giving the Angel one last squeeze before taking his hand and turning toward the Impala.
“Let’s go home.”