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A wrist taken, carried away in a hurry and a kind of immediate astonishment. Sebastian can't say he wasn't expecting it. To be fair, he applied for the show before it started. But it started later for him and of course he knew Lewis was there too.
— Seb ?! What are you doing here ?
A smile because, well, that's a great situation. Almost laughable to want to escape from his routine and find himself attached to it anyway.
— I come to participate in the show of course.
— And me ? And us ? Didn't that matter? Are-
— We're not in a relationship, Lew'. Or at least you turned it down.
— It's not ...
— Right ?
There is something heavy about the silence. The secret of so many years of relationship buried here. With a sadness to tear his heart.
— Lewis. You were promised to another. Fiancé. Ready to throw yourself under the wheels of a truck if he asked you to and god only knows he didn’t do it out of restraint.
An ironic smile escapes him. Without joy. He always had a hard time not being bitter when he thought about it. There were three of them and they all hurt each other in their own way. He was one collateral damage among many.
— I was never enough ... but I believed it! damn i was a fool to think i would ever be enough for you.
— It's wrong. Totally wrong, Seb. You know it well.
— I came here to forget everything. To forget you. Finally, be happy.
The Briton lets out a long sigh. He himself runs a hand through his hair before shaking his head.
— What about you, Lewis ? If you tell me the same thing, we could probably wipe out the past. We can try to start over. Otherwise I-
He's cut off by a pair of hot lips that land on his in a swing that almost makes him lose his balance. He catches by the waist the one who was his lover. Difficult.
— Nice to meet you.
The older man's slightly red lips, his shortness of breath, and his eyes, hell, his eyes shining with emotion. It all reminds him too much of their first meeting. And everything it involved behind.
— I'm Lewis Hamilton and I'm looking for someone to get me out of a marriage that has been disastrous.
Even those words. He lets his hand wander over his face, caressing his cheekbone that he remembers having once found swollen, blue from a blow. The beginning of the end.
— Nice to meet you Lew.
— Aren't you introducing yourself ?
— I'm the same man as before. Simple. Ready to love you if you are. Nothing really changed, I never changed.
His interlocutor freezes for a moment, plunging his deep brown in his ocean irises. Looking for an answer. And finally, the simplest, to plunge back into the kiss like a thirsty man who drinks in the oasis of a desert. He runs his hands over the top of his partner, finding the body that was once his.
— So we won't talk about it again ?
— No.
And he doesn't know if he should be feeling relieved or disappointed. He's not sure they can move on, although he himself rushed it. But for once, they're glad the doors are double-locked and the cameras turned off.
They meet again after a long time. It's very complicated because he was so hurt. He would have liked to be enough, enough, enough … but that doesn't mean anything really.
Every once in a while, people meet at the wrong times. The wrong time to love each other, go out, live. Be together. He tries not to think about it anymore, he tries very hard.
He's still in a bit of pain.
— How did your coming out was received by the media, Lewis ?
— Good and bad at the same time. A few contracts jumped, I expected. I already had back-up plans and, apparently, being bi is selling for some.
Sebastian smiles absently because deep down he already knows the answer to that question. Well, he experienced the period when the British lived in hiding, restricted by his husband, chained to obligations that did not suit him. They no longer saw each other when Lewis finally came out.
— And you ? At the level of your entourage ?
— Pretty good. They thought I would end up with my best friend, but the truth is, neither of us had ever imagined ourselves together.
— Ah yeah ?
Lewis is curious, he thinks he understands why. He never told him about those aspects of his life after all. They missed so much on each other. They spent more time in bed than in actual discussions.
— Yes. My grandma had a hard time, it was a little tense with the family on my father's side. I don't like to think about it too much because I don't like being the reason why arguments take place, I don't like being the center of so much attention actually.
— I know that.
They exchange a tender smile.
— But it ended up settling. In one way or another.
The older man's hand rests on his and they gaze into each other for a moment before continuing.
— I'm glad you didn't have too many difficult times.
When I was not by your side.
He feels this sentence being implied. He gently pulls his hand away from the embrace, only a nod. Not really inclined to pity when his interlocutor is the one who refuses to talk about the subject that annoys.
The latter approaches with an air of surprise, slightly sad when he sees this distance but masks it as quickly as he has shown it.
This party is a bad idea. First, there is alcohol, he considers that, in itself, as a very bad idea. Lewis has already drunk several glasses and, staggering, he has a smug smile to his face.
He picks him up, holding him against him with a sigh. The last time he saw him so drunk was when his husband raised his hand on him once again.
— For once I'm free to … to … be with you. Free.
— Are you really sure you want to have this conversation now ?
He mumbles through clenched teeth. He, for his part, doesn't want it, doesn't want it anymore. He's been longing for a real answer, for any answer, for too long in his eyes. A word, a letter, he would have been content with anything. Even though it was he who was gone.
— Seb. I missed you. I missed you so much. I was so lonely.
— Okay. That's enough. Shut up, Lew, for the sake of both of us, shut up.
— No, no I wanted to … talk to you about it.
He walks to the terrace, dragging his partner with him, who looks like he can barely stand. He drops him on a chair and leans against the railing, exploding his frustration.
— Talk to me about what ? The fact that you decided to come out and to quit him as soon as I was out of your life ? Thanks, I don't need to hear it !
— You don’t understand.
— Ah yes ? Enlighten me then, go ahead !
— It was for you !
He freezes. Suddenly Lewis gets up, looking less drunk than it seemed, like he's come back down or like … he's been pretending all along ?
— You were gone and I was in so much pain. I was such a coward and couldn't take it anymore. You left and my world has gone terribly wrong. Without you in my life, I couldn't take it anymore. I loved only you, nothing but you. I was thinking …
Panting, blue against brown.
— I thought if we didn't talk about it then I wouldn't have to remember the pain but it hurts so much, Sebastian.
The Briton grips his chest, where his heart is, crumpling his shirt, and looking at him with wide open eyes.
— It hurts so much because you left me. You left me all alone.
The silence. He finds it difficult to realize what has just been said. He struggles because it's barely believable. The mannequin's hand rests on his cheek.
— Look at me, Seb. Tell me. Do you love me ?
— Always. I never stopped loving you, Liebe. I had a hard time leaving you too, but I had to. Do you understand ?
His rage was completely erased. It melted like snow in the sun in front of the sincerity of his companion.
— You can-
Lewis's lips find his with unexpected comfort. Familiarity, the taste of the days of yesteryear.
They weren't exactly happy, they were living in hiding. Today, they can live in broad daylight and that is priceless.
To be together, finally.
They didn't win in the end. Too bad, that was not the goal. They've already found each other, he guesses it's not that bad. The holidays are coming to an end, so are his holidays.
He will go find his comrades, will be accommodated by some and they will work on the new projects of the company. Well, he admits that, on this point, he is rather impatient to return to work.
So they lost but the truth is they still won something. Yes, because love is good, but that's not everything. And they pocketed a million each.
In the generosity of Lando and Carlos, they offered them a share of their victory. Because that was apparently not the real goal.
And there, in their villa by the sea, surrounded by the ten other participants, he must say that it is not really bad to have maintained these links, to have kept this friendship.
— What are you thinking ?
— To everything, to nothing, to us.
— Say, wouldn't you … marry me ?
He turns abruptly to find Lewis with downcast eyes, slightly red cheeks, almost guilty. This makes him shut up for a moment, surprised.
— You don't want to, I guess? It would have been-
— No ! I mean, yes I do. I would be terribly happy you know. I dreamed about it for a long time. To be in his place. I want to fill you up, Liebe. Make you happy.
— Being with you is enough for me. I know it will be okay.
— It's not sure, Lew.
— Yes but you make me want to be optimistic for once, Love.