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I know it’s wrong, I know it is. I should be happy, I should be relieved, ecstatic, so why am I filled with so much dread? Because I’m selfish that’s why, just the egocentric paladin no one asked for. The one no one ever wanted. The one no one ever needed. Just a means to an end.
I pulled my knees tighter against my chest as I laid curled up on the floor next to my bed. I’m so weak and pathetic I could not even make it to my own stupid bed before collapsing in a fit of cries. Just another one of the endless reasons it’s better that I’m not a paladin. Shiro’s back so he can have Black again, and Keith will have Red like he was always supposed to , and Blue… she made her choice.
Allura was always meant to be Blue’s paladin, I was just a way to get off Earth. I was never a real paladin. Shiro, Keith, Allura, Hunk, and Pidge, those are the real paladins. And me… I just don’t fit. I never did. The sixth wheel. There can’t be six paladins… I’m just the joke, the distraction, the slacker, the worthless thing just here because they’re too good of people to abandon me in space.
I had to squeeze my eyes shut when my tears dripped across my face into my other eye because I can’t even lay on my side without causing trouble. I’m too stupid to do anything on my own. Just the dummy. The idiot. What the quiznak was I thinking? Thinking I could actually be chosen, be wanted? That these people… that I could have a family here?
Each breath came out shakier than the last. I could only sob as exhales, hardly getting in any air before the next sob wracked my body. I’m being so stupid, they’re all excited about the team being back together and I’m here crying over nothing. Absolutely nothing. A nothing crying over nothing; how fitting.
I did not even have time to cover my mouth to muffle my pathetic sobs once the knocking on my bedroom door started, “hey Lance, let me in,” Pidge called out. Why is she here? She never comes to my room, she never wants anything to do with me… let alone want me like… it doesn’t even matter. “Lance? I know you’re in there.”
Oh quiznak… I forced myself into sitting position, fiercely wiping at my eyes to get rid of as much evidence of my breakdown as I could. Though I could still feel how obnoxiously puffy my eyelids are and I’m certain my face is as red as Keith’s suit. As scarlet as Red… the lion never meant for me, the one I was only able to pilot because there were no other options. With a shaky breath I stook, only wobbling a little, like a toddler still not having mastered walking yet.
“What’s wrong, Pidge? Did you miss this handsome face too much?” I could only hope she didn’t hear my voice cracking. But knowing Pidge, there’s no way she missed it. Opening up the door I tried to plaster on my best smirk I could, hoping the annoying flirting would be enough of a distraction from the mess I am.
She wasn’t looking up right away and for one worthless tick I had the audacity to think maybe she won’t notice how not okay I am. “I wanted to ask about- are you okay?” That is when she looked up, her eyes analyzing every inch of my appearance for more than a few ticks. Normally her looking at me so long would have my stomach filled with more butterflies than a flourishing garden. But now they’re there for a different reason.
I had the audacity to scoff, “of course I’m okay, you’re the one begging to come into my room. You just couldn’t stay away, now could ya?” I joked. Isn’t it ironic my annoying flirting helps distract from my totally not big crush I may or may not have on a certain green suited paladin.
She let out a sigh, “Lance…” in just that one word she said too too many things, “you realize I’m one of the smartest people here, if not the smartest,” That was not a question, “I can tell you’ve been crying,” she said it so simply as if that’s not absolutely mortifying. She wasn’t done talking though, “if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen, otherwise I’ll leave you alone,” she offered.
Oh dios míos if I wasn’t red before there’s no doubt now.
“What do you…” I was not able to finish my question, her hard stare making the words die out before I could even really form them. There’s no lying to her, not this time… doesn’t mean I won’t try though. “I’m okay, Pidge,” I don’t know if I was trying to convince her or me. She glanced into my room, “oh yeah! Sorry, come in,” I moved aside, letting her enter my room.
Following her to my bed, we sat down next to each other, “what’s wrong?” More like what isn’t wrong? How am I supposed to tell her that I’ve finally accepted I was never meant to be a paladin, never meant to be here? How can I tell her that I know it’s best that I get out of everyone’s way? Let
Shiro have Black, Keith have Red… and Allura have Blue? I had to physically force myself to breathe even. I can’t tell her that no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I train, how much I practice, I’ll never be good enough. I’m not a great pilot, I’m not a leader, I can’t strategize, I’m not smart enough. I’m never enough.
“-ance? Lance?” Her voice was much softer than I think I’ve ever heard it. When I finally looked her in the eye, in those rich brown eyes, I couldn’t even make out what emotion was swimming in them. Just… brown. Who ever said brown eyes aren’t enchanting? I could just- Nope, bad time, not time for big feelings like that nope. “If you want me to leave you alone, it’s okay,” she whispered, standing up.
I didn’t even think before I reached out and grabbed her arm, “no!” I took a breath, “please, don’t leave me,” the last part came out in a mumble. Though I still forced myself to drop her arm, as much as I never wanted to leave her side. I don’t even know what came over me, whether it was my suffocating loneliness or my hopeless romantic side or what.
She sat back down immediately, “it’s okay, I’ll stay. I’m not going anywhere,” her voice was so kind, so soft… I’ve never seen her like this before. All I could do was watch as her hand slowly came up, closer and closer until it was on my face. My heart stopped, I held my breath as her thumb ran back and forth over my cheek, wiping away the tears I didn’t realize were leaking again. “It’s okay to cry. You may not believe me, but even I cry sometimes,” she grinned just a tad, gaining a hardly noticeable smile from me.
Hearing those words… it was too much. Before I could stop it, a sob made its way through me, exhaling out. This time, before the next sob came, I felt the bed shift under me. And then and then her thin arms were around me. Pidge pulled me into a tight hug and even though she’s about a mile shorter than me…
I felt so small.
“Crying doesn’t make you weak, Lance.” Maybe not, but everything else about me makes me weak. “I don’t think any less of you.” As if you could think of me as any more than a stupid flirt. “Stop shaking your head, you don’t know how I feel.” Oh quiznak I didn’t even realize, I really am an idiot. I never know how she feels anyway… about anything. “Look, I know I’m not so good at these kinda talks, but I wanna try to help if I can.” If I was not such an emotional disaster right now, I would have melted like a chocolate bar in the sun right here.
Because I apparently possess no impulse control, I muttered out, “I’m not worth it…” That is when she pulled back from the hug. I ruined this too. She’s gonna leave now and I’ll be alone again, I’ll always end up alone. It’s how it’s meant to be.
Pidge placed her hands on my shoulders, “look at me,” she told me firmly. She did not continue on until my tear filled ones met her, what I could have called caring if I had not known better, gaze. “You are worth it to me and every single person here. Everyone. We care about you, you’re our friend,” and I’ll never be anything more to you , “You can’t always be the one to hold us together, you can get help too.”
I guess my confusion was clear on my face because she explained, “you’re the one who can get everyone to laugh in our darkest moments,” because I’m a joke. “You’re the one who will do anything to make people happy, even fish around in a dingy mall fountain all day for some video game,” she smiled at the last part. Anyone would though, I’m not special. “And even if you weren’t so emotionally essential to our family here, you’re sure as hell essential on the field.”
I let out a humorless laugh, “yeah sure, I’m essential to put the blame on when I screw up all our plans.”
She was shaking her head before I even finished my sentence, “you’re the sharp shooter, you have and do make shots no other paladin can.” I dunno… “You’ve saved our asses more than a few times. When the chips are down you’ve got everyone's backs.” Does anyone have mine though? “We care about you Lance. I care about you.” Given her own face turned as red as mine, I’m sure she did not intend to say that last part out loud.
I knew my stupid big feelings for her would take ahold of me too much one day. “I care about you too, Pidge.” Though my words were nothing more than what a friend would say to another friend, the way I said them, the softness, the intimacy… it was too much. Too much, I’m always too much, too loud, too excitable, too annoying, too talkative, too late, too weak, too much of everything. And yet I’m never enough.
Her eyebrows raised and her eyes widened, subtly but it was still enough to notice. Before she could say anything, I tried to fix it, “I’m sorry, I made this weird. It’s okay if you want to go-” before I could finish she was wrapping her arms around me again. I wrapped mine around her, holding her against my body as a couple more tears may or may not have leaked from my eyes.
Her voice was almost inaudible even though we were the only two people in the room, “I hope you know how important you are to everyone, and if not then at least to me. You’re really important, Lance.” The tears dripped even quicker but she did not ease up on the embrace at all. I could have sworn I heard her sniffle but even I know better than to joke about her crying. As if I would want to.
The only thing keeping me from just telling her how much I love how, how I’ve been in love with her for longer than I’d ever admit to, was mumbling out, “thank you for being here.” Though she said ‘of course’ and I could hear the smile in her words she made no movement to break up the hug, so naturally neither did I.
She did not let go until long after I officially stopped crying. “Thank you again,” I told her and I could only hope she could hear the sincerity in my voice.
She gave me a grin, which only made me smile, “don’t mention it.” As much as I wanted to just lean forward and kiss her, oh quiznak I want that so bad, I knew I couldn’t. One, consent, two, I still don’t know that she wants me like that. And three, it’s not time to kiss after crying so much, especially not our first kiss. But, this is still a step forward. She cared enough to stay and help even when I gave her an escape. She actually wanted to stay with me.
Even if I’m not the ideal paladin, maybe I can still belong. Maybe.