Archive of Our Own

Babel

The city welcomed Kai with a cold stare. It had rained when they had landed, and now the sky and the buildings and people’s faces were washed grey and empty. The taxi driver did not speak, only his dark eyes looked up to the rearview mirror every few minutes, as if he wasn’t sure if Kai was really there. They crossed a bridge and he lost himself briefly in the dull stream. What time was it, anyway? As they approached the city center the buildings came closing in on both sides, pale-coloured advertising blinking at the edge of his field of vision like figments. The rain had peeled the dirt from concrete walls and revealed nothing underneath; the city’s heart - praised by travel organizations as a place where history had been made not once but several times - was dying. The square that led to the gaping gate to the West was empty save for a small group of tourists in brightly coloured jackets, strangely misplaced in their pale surroundings.
Kai stood in front of the Adlon when the sun broke through the low clouds and the light dripped off the building’s pristine facade. Greyscale becoming sepia, faded sandstone and sleek concrete instead of darkened rendering. He could feel his heartbeat echoing in the emptiness. There was a faint humming in the distance, maybe traffic, maybe a light vibration, an underlying excitement while waiting for better times.
His room was as pleasant as one would imagine when staying at one of the city’s best hotels. His window was facing the West and he was almost relieved to see the dull green of a park behind the gate; a promise that there was more to this place than the void he was stuck in.
His phone rang. The sound cut through Kai’s clouded thoughts, he broke away from the window, suddenly fully aware of where he was and why. Feeling the existence of his body again, if only to command his hand to grab the device and take the call.
“Yura.”
“Guess where I am,” said the voice at the other end.
“Fuck if I know,” he replied a tad confused. “Do you know where I am?”
“In fact, I do. Because your company is making a deal with Ralf Jürgen’s company. And the BBA sent me to meet Ralf directly afterwards to discuss some different matters. I also know that your meeting was postponed on a rather short notice to the day after tomorrow, because, guess what, mine was as well.”
“Okay, Sherlock, get to the point.” Kai sounded annoyed, but he was smiling faintly. “Are you telling me you’re in Berlin?”
Usually, he spoke to Yuriy quite often and always knew where the other one was and why. But the last few weeks had been madness. He had been travelling a lot, checking on his relatives who ran different parts of the company abroad. A small scandal, a leftover from the good old days, had resurfaced, so he had had to calm the waves. In times like this, there was not much time to keep in touch with anyone, and his assistant was his sole company. But she was on a much-needed vacation now, and Kai had come to Europe alone.
“Just sat down in my favorite café in Kreuzberg,” Yuriy answered.
That name didn’t tell Kai anything about where his friend was exactly. But it seemed that they indeed were stranded in the same city for the next 36 hours because Ralf Jürgens had messed up his schedule big times.
“Let’s meet, then,” he offered, “Have a coffee or something.”
“Kai.” Yuriy sounded annoyed. “Good idea, bad execution. Having coffee is not what you’re doing when you’re in Berlin.”
“Then what is it, pray tell.”
“Ever heard of Molly?”
“No, who is she?”
Silence. Yuriy chuckled, and that sound alone, so close to his ear, brought back rather pleasant memories, but also… yearning.
“Alright, my unblemished friend. Hold your hat - we’re going to party.”

He took the underground to meet Yuriy at a station a bit further to the south. He had looked on the map briefly, but nothing he saw had made any sense. The train smelled like wet clothes, people with exhausted faces sat on the benches like shadows.
It was not their first meeting after those fateful two weeks that changed - not everything, but a great deal about how Kai felt about himself and others. Since then he had a feeling of making his way out of a maze painstakingly slowly, but at least he knew the maze existed in the first place. He managed to meet up with Yuriy quite regularly in different places. Sometimes he stayed at the redhead’s place in Petersburg. They had spent a weekend in Warsaw after Kai had met some business acquaintances there and another in Vienna, because Yuriy had been in Munich and Kai in Rome, so they had met somewhat in the middle before they returned home. Sometimes things happened between them, sometimes not. Still, it was always pleasant. Yuriy had briefly dated another person, but it had been over again before Kai could make his mind up about whether he was jealous or not. He himself had been much too busy to meet people outside the company.
When he resurfaced, he was met with the noise of a bustling street. No rain would ever be able to wash away the dirt on this square. A yellowish high-rise building enclosed the area like a wall, only leaving small holes for the traffic to seep through. Hard-edged graffiti, a little too clumsy to be counted as street art. The holes in the pavement were filled with water, rainbow-colored in the reluctant sunlight.
Yuriy was still at the café he had talked about. It was located a bit further down the street. Kai could see his red hair from afar as he was walking towards him; he was sitting on a small bench in front of the store window, an unbranded paper cup in his hand and a small box lying next to him. The smell of caramel hung in the air, strangely unfitting for the surroundings. Olfactory sugarcoating. Kai watched as Yuriy was looking down, eyes glued to his phone’s display, then typing, a faint smile on his face. To see him now, almost glowing between all the dullness around him, was a bit overwhelming.
Yuriy looked up when he stood in front of him. “There you are.”
“Here I am,” Kai said.
“Sit. Want some baklava? This store is famous for it.”
Kai sat down next to him. There was not much room. The bench took up a third of the pavement, and the street was busy with people. An expensive looking black car flashed by, rap music blasting through open windows. Opposite were townhouses in varying states of decay: washed-out colors and broken stucco, black and red smearings plastered across the walls beneath the bottom window panes.
He opened the box Yuriy offered him to reveal an assortment of small pastries. Sugar stuck to his fingers when he took one, and then the taste exploded in his mouth, mixing with the sweet air around them. It was almost unbearable. “So,” he started when he managed to swallow the mix of nuts and sugar, “What is this place?” He gestured vaguely towards their surroundings.
Yuriy put his phone away. “This is said to be one of the most dangerous areas in Berlin,” he answered light-heartedly. “So of course the tourists love it. Shall we go on or do you want a drink with that? They have great tea.”
“I’m fine,” Kai said and got up. “So you’re really living here for the next few days? Why this area?”
“Friend of mine is in Switzerland for the weekend and I can have his room. His flatmates are super nice, we can hang out with them before we leave tonight.”
“Leave for what exactly?”
Yuriy, who was going ahead because there was not enough space to walk next to each other, turned around and grinned. “You’ll see.”

The flat was on the top floor of one of the town houses a few blocks away from their meeting point. Kai had quickly lost orientation; his eyes had been glued to Yuriy’s back in the attempt not to lose him between groups of people. Everytime he looked up he felt like they weren’t moving at all. The houses still looked the same and the street was very neatly subdivided in blocks, but this semblance of order could not hide the fact that everything was slowly falling apart. Then, suddenly, he had been pulled into an entrance, through a small corridor with a mosaic floor and up several flights of stairs, first stone, then wooden. Now he stood in a narrow hallway, next to a pile of shoes and an overflowing coatrack.
“I’ll introduce you,” Yuriy said and led him into a small kitchen. The smell of cumin hung in the air and at the table sat a girl and a guy, a bottle of sparkling wine between them, smoking cigarettes. Thankfully, the window was open.
“Hey, Yuriy!” the guy said and briefly shook Yuriy’s hand while he exchanged a nod with the girl. “Was geht?”
“Alles gut,” Yuriy replied, “Das ist Kai, ein Freund von mir. Er spricht aber kein Deutsch.”
“Ah, no problem!” the girl said and smiled. “Hi, I’m Tina, and this is Mehdi. You wanna sit with us? If you’re hungry, we have plenty of food left!” Before Kai could say anything they had made room for them and Mehdi got up to scoop some food on plates while telling them in slightly broken English that this was his mom’s recipe. He catched an amused side glance from Yuriy and resigned himself to his fate. While they were eating - the food was tasty, even though Tina and Mehdi continued smoking right next to them - he left the conversation to Yuriy. At some point somebody poured sparkling wine in a water glass and handed it to him.
“So,” Mehdi said when they had finished eating and leaned back, “What’s the plan for tonight? You go party?”
“We will,” Yuriy confirmed, “I think I’ll take him to Babel.”
“Nice. So we’ll see you again on Monday then, eh?” He laughed.
Kai looked at them, dumbfounded. “What is Babel?”
“Shit, he doesn’t know?” Mehdi asked Yuriy. “Dude, you’re kidding me!”
“Babel is a techno club,” Tina explained to Kai, “It’s huge. They have the hardest door, but once you’re in, it’s paradise. Have you been there before, Yuriy?”
“Yeah, several times, when I was living here,” Yuriy answered. “It was crazy.”
Kai did not know what to say. Needless to note that he was not a regular guest at any club. Sure, sometimes the former Bladebreakers managed to convince him to party with them in some club in Tokyo, but he knew very well that this was not at all comparable to what Yuriy was apparently up to. What the hell had he gotten himself into?
He went with the most obvious question first. “What does that mean, a hard door?”
“Uh, you don’t say that in English?” Tina looked at Mehdi and Yuriy, “It means the bouncers are super strict. You never know if you get in.”
“If you don’t, we’re going to Sisyphos later, so you can come, too,” Mehdi offered but Yuriy made a gesture of refusal.
“We’re going early, so I think we’ll be fine,” he said, “Which brings me to our next problem, though.” He pointed at Kai. “He needs to get dressed.”
All three of them looked at Kai, who felt like he was sitting in front of a high court. What was wrong with his clothes now? He had put on black jeans and a nice shirt and sweater combination. Surely that was fine?
“Yeah, I see what you mean,” Tina said. “You won’t get in like that.”
“I was thinking of borrowing him something,” Yuriy said.
Tina slowly shook her head. “I have a better idea. Are you a size M, Kai?” She got up and held out her hand to him. “Come on. I think I have some nice stuff for you.”
Yuriy and Mehdi smirked while Kai did not know what to say at all. “Are you serious?” he finally asked, more towards Yuriy than Tina.
“Well, her clothes will fit you better than mine,” Yuriy said.
“I got a lot of unisex stuff, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Tina added.
While Kai was still staring at her, Mehdi turned to Yuriy, lowering his voice and switching to German. “Was ich noch fragen wollte. Braucht ihr was für heute Nacht? Ich kann dir ‘nen guten Preis machen.”
“Was hast du denn?” the redhead asked and Mehdi motioned vaguely towards the hallway. “Sollen wir kurz zu mir auf’s Zimmer?”
Yuriy nodded and got up. “Where are you going?” Kai asked immediately because he still didn’t know if he was supposed to follow Tina or if all that had been a bad joke.
“I’ll explain later,” the other one said, “You go get dressed. Wear something black.”
So Kai reluctantly went with Tina. He did not understand much more than half an hour ago, but he tried to be reassured by the fact that he at least knew now that they were about to go to a club. That was a piece of information he could handle.
“So,” Tina said after she motioned for Kai to sit on her bed, and started to dig through her closet, “Is that what you usually wear? Business casual?”
Kai just hummed. He could see nothing wrong with his choice of clothing. But of course it contrasted with Tina’s oversized, probably thrifted outfit, as well as with Mehdi’s tracksuit. Hell, even Yuriy in his distressed black jeans and sweater fitted in better than he did. He had noticed before that people here seemed to love looking like they were homeless, but it hadn’t bothered him too much before, well, now.
“Don’t get me wrong; it looks fine. A bit posh, but it suits you,” Tina continued (and Kai secretly rolled his eyes at the remark; of course he looked posh, his clothes actually fitted him). “Also Yuriy said you’re here for work. What is it that you do? Finance?”
“Uhm, technology, actually.” Kai always only spoke very vaguely about his job when it wasn’t completely necessary for other people to know. In these days he rarely encountered people who didn’t recognise him as either the CEO of a global enterprise or at least as a former beyblader. It was refreshing, really, that this woman just nodded at his insufficient answer without asking further questions.
“So, this club,” he started, because never in his life would he go to a place like that unprepared, “How is it? I mean, really.”
“So there are three dancefloors,” she explained, pulling something out of the closet, looking at it and throwing it to the side, “One is usually for acid, one for the more hardcore techno, and the main hall is where everyone ends up eventually. It’s huge. There are lounges, bars, a garden… You also can get food there, if you want. And if you’re tired, you can just sleep on the sofas. I know people who stay there all weekend.”
“Doing what?” Kai asked.
“Oh, you know. Dancing. Getting high. Fucking… Oh! Look at that!” She held up a semi-transparent piece of clothing. “This would look amazing on you!”
“Is that… mesh?”
“It is! But seriously, you could pull it off. You have a great body.”
“I don’t think I want to go in there half naked,” Kai said, but Tina just laughed. “Believe me, you will see much more naked skin than this!” She still held the mesh shirt in her hand, winking at him. “You should try it on. I’m sure Yuriy would appreciate the view.”
“This is not… We are not…” Kai trailed off. What did he even want to say? In any case, it would not have been the truth.
“I mean,” he admitted a bit helplessly, “I am kinda famous for wearing crop tops when I was younger…”
“Ooh, I have some of these in here somewhere.” She hesitated when she saw the look on Kai’s face. “Alright, I’m sorry. Got a bit carried away. I love dressing up people. Look, all I’m saying is, if you put on the mesh, nobody will be able to resist you. But I have a nice black t-shirt here as well. This is totally fine. Or maybe both? It will be warm in there, so maybe at some point you’ll be happy to get rid of it.” She smiled and put both shirts next to him. “Your choice. Are you nervous?” she bluntly asked when Kai just frowned.
“I don’t know,” he admitted, “This place sounds super strange. I don’t really know why Yuriy would take me there.”
“Well, to have fun, of course!” she answered. “This is all there is, really. Everyone just goes there to forget the world for a few hours, or days. It really is a safe space. And Yuriy seems like a good guy to me, he will watch out for you.”
Kai nodded absentmindedly. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to forget the world, because according to his experience, forgetting was nothing one should wish for. Forgetting, or rather denying his past, his duties, his identity - that never had led to anything good.
“Maybe,” Tina continued, plopping down next to him, “You should see it as an experiment. You can give them any name, really, nobody will ask too many questions. What happens in Babel stays in Babel.”
“The more you talk about this place the more it sounds like a cult.”
Tina shrugged. “There are people who say it is their church. I mean - I have been doing things on my knees in there, that’s for sure!” She laughed when Kai’s eyebrows shot up. “Get changed,” she commanded, “I’ll check on the others.”
When he came out of Tina’s room, she and the others were standing in the hallway. He noticed right away that Yuriy’s sweater was gone; instead, he wore a simple black cotton shirt, similar to the one Tina had given to him. They were both pretty underdressed for what they were about to do - at least in Kai’s opinion - but Tina actually seemed pleased with him. “Yes, much better. When you’re leaving?” she asked.
Yuriy glanced at his watch. “I think we can wait for another hour or so. I wanna be there at ten thirty, maybe eleven. That should be early enough.”
“Cool, then we can chill. You want a coffee or something to stay awake?”
“Can I talk to you?” Kai interrupted and looked at Yuriy. Tina looked slightly taken aback, but the redhead just nodded. “I think we're gonna hang out a bit before we leave,” he explained to the others.
Kai followed him into the third bedroom. It was clear that this belonged to someone else, because the interior looked like a goddamn bachelor’s den, and not the good kind. The bed was covered with fresh linens, though, and because there were no chairs or anything they sat down on the mattress. Finally, everything calmed down a bit. He could hear Tina and Mehdi talk in German, but when they went back to the kitchen, their voices became quieter.
“What’s going on?” Yuriy asked softly.
Kai tilted his head. “You bought drugs from him, didn’t you?”
“I did.”
A short pause. “What the fuck, Yuriy?” Kai said then. “First, you don’t find it necessary to tell me you’d be in Berlin, too. Then you let a random girl put me in hideous clothes so you can take me to some sort of twenty-first century Sodom and Gomorrah. And now you’re telling me you bought drugs like it wasn’t a fucking big deal?!”
“Kai, please, don’t be so dramatic.”
“Dramatic? You know very well we have to meet up with Ralf, and when I do, I want to be sober-”
“You think Ralf never went partying?” Yuriy countered. “I’m pretty sure the reason why he is late is because he took a few too many lines of coke down in Munich or something. Kai.” His voice lost its arrogant tone. “First, I didn’t know you were going to Berlin, either. Ralf’s assistant told me when we were talking about the delay. Hell, you didn’t call me. I haven’t heard from you in weeks!”
Kai clenched his teeth. “It wasn’t on purpose.”
“Second,” Yuriy interrupted, “This whole... ordeal wasn’t as carefully planned as you might think. I heard your voice on the telephone and you sounded fucking dead. Like you were about to burn out and keel over the next minute. So I thought I’ll take you to a place where you can forget for one night that you are Kai fucking Hiwatari.”
“Says the one who always talked about how important it is that I take on this role! Fulfill my family duties. Be a good fucking Hiwatari.”
“Yes. But as always you are so perfect in what you are doing that you forget to look after yourself.”
Kai sighed impatiently. “You are a walking contradiction, Ivanov, you know that? What do you want me to do? Get high and fuck things up? You know, other people would recommend self-love and mindfulness.”
“Third,” Yuriy said, unfazed, “I want to get you high and shut off your mind for once. Would you listen to me?” He grabbed Kai’s arm when he turned away, and Kai halted immediately. He realized he hadn’t touched Yuriy properly until now. Normally they managed to at least exchange a quick hug, but not today. He breathed out.
“I think you know that I know a thing or two about being stuck in one’s head,” Yuriy said, “And let me tell you, sometimes you just have to dress up in ugly clothes and fuck yourself up a little bit. I thought you’d rather do that here, in a city where hardly anyone would recognize you, in a place that is by all means safe for what we’re about to do, and with someone who doesn’t want you to get completely wrecked. Don’t you think?”
Kai rolled his eyes, but he remained silent. He knew Yuriy had a point. Yes, he was overworked and on the edge because he didn’t know when or where to unwind. It wasn’t even the thought of getting high that got him all worked up - hell, he had tried cocaine before. In his circles people did that quite regularly, fuck mindfulness. It didn’t do anything for him, though, so he didn’t see the need for it. No, if he was completely honest with himself - and he tried that, really, and sometimes it even worked - he was simply overwhelmed by the chaotic energy that surrounded them. The city and the people he didn’t know. The unfamiliar smell of the shirt. He knew this was nothing to be afraid of, but it took a lot of effort to be okay with it.
He crossed his arms but turned back towards his companion. “What‘ve you got?” he asked.
Yuriy put his hand in his pocket and revealed a small plastic bag that contained three reddish pills. Kai bent forward. “Ist that-”
“Ecstasy,” Yuriy said. “Molly is harder to get, but that’s close enough.”
“What does it do? Make me hallucinate or something?”
“No. It makes you awake, and happy.”
“Happy.” Kai raised one eyebrow. “You know I don’t do happy.”
“Me neither. But this did some nice things for me in the past. And didn’t you say you wanted to try new things? Rattling the cage, remember?”
He acted as if he had overheard the last sentence. “You know how to use that?” he asked, pointing at the pills.
“Yes, I know.” Yuriy sighed. “Listen. There is nothing in this place that will harm you. Besides, I genuinely think you’ll like it. It’s not like your usual party palaces, it’s as fucked up as our stone-cold hearts. And I will be there, I won’t leave you alone. You’re safe with me, you know that, right? And if there is anything you don’t like, just say it. If you want to leave, just say it. But at least give it a try.”
Ah, why did he have to be so intense? It was Yuriy’s greatest weapon, really. Kai wasn’t sure if his friend fully grasped what power he had over him.
“Okay,” he finally said, “Let’s go and... fuck ourselves up, then.”

Roughly an hour later they got out of the underground, drinking the rest of their roadies that Yuriy had purchased in a cornershop right as they left the house. The train had been full of young people, but only a few got off with them. Kai remembered how Yuriy had told him that showing up at a club at eleven on Friday nights was considered early.
He noticed right away that this part of the city was different, again. After the dying centre and chaotic Kreuzberg, this street was somewhat eerie. It was cold and empty. The buildings were like the edges of a canyon on both sides, with just a few lit windows, monotonous, grey in the semi-darkness.
“These look like Breshnevki,” he murmured, tilting his head back to look up at the ten- or twelve-story buildings that couldn’t hide their socialist past, even with a new coat of paint.
“Welcome to East Berlin,” Yuriy said, “Looks like Moscow if you squint.”
As he was following Yuriy, Kai tried to get comfortable in his shoes. Tina had borrowed him a pair of sneakers when she realized that Kai was about to go to Babel in his leather shoes. Apparently the place was famous for its dirty floors. He also wore an oversized wool coat that kept him warm; Yuriy had taken Mehdi’s offer to lend him a tracksuit jacket, and Kai was sure it wasn’t nearly as comfy as the coat. But the cool air didn’t seem to bother him much.
The area was not as one would expect when talking about a big club. It seemed like a perfectly normal residential neighborhood. Not at all heavy with history, as he would’ve suspected of a place like this, more like some kind of relic that the city couldn’t get rid of, even though everyone tried hard to forget about it.
“So,” he said softly, because it didn’t seem appropriate to raise his voice, “How come there is a club here, in this spot?”
“Ah,” Yuriy said, “Okay. Here is the thing about Berlin techno clubs. Most of them were established in the nineties, because after the fall of the Eastern Bloc, a lot of spaces opened up here. Overnight, whole industries fell apart as people left Berlin for the West. So especially in the East you had these huge warehouses and stuff, completely empty. It was perfect for the Techno Scene. Because, you know, techno is all about space. The sound works best in a big room with great acoustics, so when people were scouting locations for techno parties, they loved these otherworldly, dystopian, huge rooms. And ever so often they stayed, and now we have the clubs.”
“And how do you know all that now?”
“Remember the architect I used to date? She loved Brutalism and all that stuff. She would take me to Babel and explain in great detail the specifics of the building and its history.”
“Sounds like a great relationship to me,” Kai said, “Why is she not around today?”
“Well, she got married and just had a kid,” Yuriy answered.
“Oh.”
“Shit happens, I guess.”
At that moment they went around a corner. The street opened up to a run-down square, changing from asphalt to cobblestone, as if they were going back in time. It must have been a former industrial complex, abandoned for ages, all bricks and broken concrete. A wall surrounded the area, covered in layers upon layers of graffiti and posters, and topped with barbed wire. Withered bushes grew in the holes and pale grass nestled in the corners. Kai wondered how the city could afford leaving all that to decay. There were several buildings behind the wall, but one towered over the others. He saw bricks and steel beams, blind windows or something that used to be windows. Blackened rendering. The roof disappeared under the dome of the night, only a few street lamps were working, giving off warm, orange light. In the light cones stood people, queuing for the entrance. It was still quiet, only soft talking here and there; cigarette smoke in the cold air, and maybe a whiff of weed. But then, as they came closer, Kai could hear it: A deep, vibrating throb that seemed to seep out of the building. Nothing else.
The line was longer than he had expected, but as always Yuriy acted as if everything was completely normal. He did not deign to look at the people but Kai couldn’t help but glance at them. He had expected to be rather old now for parties like that, but it seemed like they fitted in perfectly. Most people wore black like them; their surroundings were strangely achromatic, darkness in darkness, black leather and black cotton and black latex, and here and there the glistering of metallic accessoires.
“You said we’d get in quickly,” Kai remarked.
“Oh, we will. Standing in line for half an hour is much better than for two hours, don’t you think?”
And so they waited. The line moved slowly, and the throbbing became more noticeable as they came closer to the building. They passed an iron gate, and behind the wall was just more darkness, more bricks. The shadow of a crane loomed over them, peeling away from the rusty night sky; its stilts like legs in every direction, a big crouching steel spider. And the thumping sound was still all around, the air was charged with it and again Kai felt like there was something building up in the darkness, something very much alive between these dying structures, ready to swallow him.
The bouncers sat under a tiny light next to a door that seemed much too small for a building of this size. At first Kai thought that there was gaping darkness behind it, but then he realized that the view was just blocked by a black velvet curtain. Three people were turned away before they came to the front, and Kai really couldn’t understand why. They definitely fit this place better than he did. But he must’ve been lucky, or Yuriy was just too convincing, because after scrutinizing them for a few seconds the bouncers just waved for them to go in.
He followed Yuriy through a narrow corridor and then down a flight of stairs. The light was dim and had a dirty color. He breathed in the stale air that had an old taste, as if nobody had been here in ages, which could not be true. Maybe the walls were breathing too while shedding their paint like dry skin. The floor was covered with dust that softened his steps.
They entered another small, windowless room. Kai didn’t know if they were already underground. A woman with a very modern, very asymmetrical haircut greeted them, and before Yuriy could pull out his wallet Kai volunteered to pay for them both. He was only slightly surprised by the high entrance fee, but then again, if people really spent three days in here, it was probably not too much. They got a stamp on their wrists with white ink, probably only visible in black light. Then the woman handed Kai a bunch of round, neon pink stickers. Kai turned towards Yuriy. “What do I do with that?”
“Put them on your phone cameras,” the other one instructed. “On all of them. It’s not allowed to take pictures here.” He motioned for him to follow him again, because more guests had already arrived after them. Next was the cloakroom where they left their jackets, and then it was downstairs again. The air lost a bit of its heaviness as the room opened up. Kai could feel it more than he saw, because it was even darker down here. He could hear people shifting in the shadows, and whispers, and underneath it all the faint humming of techno music. As his eyes got used to the darkness, he noticed that there were spotlights in the room which illuminated some sort of modernist sculptures, all metal and plastic, rising towards the ceiling like pillars. In the corner further away some figures were lounging on sofas, and now he could see groups of people walking and standing around, their contours dividing and melting together, swaying back and forth, intangible.
He almost lost Yuriy because he had stopped in his tracks at the foot of the stairs. Someone came down behind him, so he quickly went on, found Yuriy in the dark, only recognising him by his height and the way he moved. Yuriy walked straight ahead, crossing the room, and as Kai turned his head to the right, he saw another gaping black doorway - these seemed to be common here. As he was watching, two men scraped away from the shadows, walking towards the exit.
“What’s that over there?” he asked.
“Well,” said Yuriy, “This would be the darkrooms. Wanna have a look?”
“Uhm… no thank you.”
“Let’s get a drink to get settled then.”
During the next minutes Kai lost all feeling for the measurements of the building. He only had a faint idea what was going on when he entered, but now the place took on the form of a maze. There were at least two or three levels, all connected through very tight staircases. First Yuriy led him up, up, up, until he found himself in a surprisingly cozy lounge with a green-lit bar. They had a drink there, huddling together on a sofa, and Kai watched other people come and go. Tina had not lied: There was lots of bare skin - women in nothing but tiny mesh bodysuits and men with bare chests and pierced nipples. And also the other way around. And even less than that, or fully covered. At first he stared, then tried not to stare, then somehow got used to it. Everybody acted like there was nothing to see anyway. The drink helped, but Yuriy kept him from having another one because apparently that didn’t go well with the other things they wanted to consume today. Kai also wondered why there were only so few people. There was a constant humming in the background, an almost mechanical sound, but Yuriy had not shown him the dance floors yet. Maybe that was where everybody else went?
“Shall we go on?” he finally asked, and Yuriy nodded. “You ready?”
“I guess.”
And down, down, down they went, and the staircase smelled like detergent and concrete, and then Yuriy pushed him through a door that suddenly appeared to his left, and he finally could see more than a few feet ahead again. The light was red this time, there was a worn-out sofa in front of him, and he was surrounded by stalls. People came and go, some were lounging on the furniture or looking at their reflections in clouded mirrors. The stall right next to Kai opened and out walked not two or three but five people. He wanted to say something to Yuriy, but at that moment the redhead grabbed his arm and pulled him into a stall as well.
“Do you have to pee?” he asked while Yuriy locked the door.
“Kai, please,” the other one countered, and when he pulled out the drugs Kai finally realised why they had come here. He felt stupid.
“So as long as we are sober,” Yuriy continued, “Here is the most important thing: If we lose each other, we meet here, okay? Just ask people where the toilets are and wait here for me. Otherwise we’ll never find each other again.”
“Okay.”
“Good. Let’s start with a half for each of us. That should keep us busy for a while.”
Strangely, he wasn’t nervous anymore. In an environment like this, nothing seemed unusual. He started to get a bit warm, but it was still bearable. It probably was just their combined body heat in the small space. Suddenly he became very aware of Yuriy’s presence.
“Is there a trick?” he asked and motioned to the pill that laid in Yuriy’s palm now.
“There is,” the other one said. He bit the pill so that it broke in two halves with a soft crack, and then he bent forward and kissed him. Kai felt the small, hard object and tasted the bitterness of the fractured site as Yuriy’s tongue pushed it deeper into his mouth. He swallowed, hardly noticing it, because he was too eager to kiss Yuriy back, completely forgetting that they were making out right next to the toilet. How he had missed these lips and their firm pressure on his. But then Yuriy stepped back and quickly took the remaining half of the pill. When he saw the look on Kai’s face he raised his eyebrows. “What? I wanted to kiss you.”
Kai huffed, and Yuriy unlocked the door. “Let’s take the scenic route.”
After a quick stop at the sink where Kai briefly checked his face in the broken mirror and did not manage to recognize himself, they left the restroom. Yuriy grabbed Kai’s hand, their fingers interlocking. Nobody bat an eye when they pushed past other people on their way downstairs - and it took Kai a few minutes to realise that this was not the same staircase they had taken before. This one was much more crowded. The further they descended, the darker it got, the louder the music became. He could not see Yuriy in front of him, but he could feel the vibrations of the hard bass in the walls and in his chest. Synchronizing their heartbeats, getting digested by the bowels of the building. Yuriy’s hand was cool in his, as always, but dry and with a firm grip. Kai’s thumb stroked one of the scars, the sensation of noticing this small detail standing out very clearly from all the noise that surrounded him. He had placed his left on the wall for safety. It was cold concrete, something sharp cut into his palm before crumbling away. Breathing out. Then the wall disappeared as he reached the last step, being pushed forward by more people, still holding on to Yuriy. There was a doorframe, and white lightning behind it, and suddenly he stood between moving bodies that sloshed through the room like water. The music was mind-numbing, a hammering beat with a frantic melody, and in the fleeting stroboscope he could roughly estimate the size of the dance floor. It was huge, the low ceiling supported by concrete columns, the walls plastered with some neon graffiti that only were visible when the light hit them - monstrous heads with crazy eyes and mouths open wide.
His body wanted to move. He noticed that somewhat passively, blamed the sound and the masses. There was the desire to melt into all that. Yuriy swayed; he still was pulling him through the room, but somehow it was easy for him to find his way, as if he was floating. At some point he had to stop, and Kai was pressed against his back. The warmth of his body seeping through him. They were moved by the others around them. “Where are we going?” Kai yelled and Yuriy turned around. He felt his lips brushing against his ear. “Main hall.”
By the time they made it to the other end of the dance floor Kai’s thoughts had stopped spinning. Whatever happened before he entered Babel didn’t exist, and whatever would happen after defied his imagination. There was only Yuriy’s hand, and that entity that surrounded them, that was made of all the bodies in here but also had no body at all.
He only noticed that they had entered another room when the music changed. They hovered between soundscapes for a few seconds, then the beat increased, drilling into his eardrums. The urge to move became unbearable. People were jumping; he felt hands and arms touching him. Normally he hated being in crowds, and involuntary body contact made his skin crawl. But not now. Now he just took it in, shuffling off his old self. There was something, something… changing.
Suddenly Yuriy put his arm around him and guided his hand towards a metal railing. There were stairs in front of them again, this time leading up.
“Are you feeling something yet?” Yuriy asked.
Kai paused. “Am I getting high?” He could hear Yuriy laugh, then he pushed him upstairs.
He didn’t know what awaited him up there. Again the atmosphere shifted, and he was stuck in this in-between that was his only chance to breathe before something new would happen. Then there was light, orange and white, blinking. And there was sound. He had never heard anything like that before: a deep boom that swallowed every other noise, obliterating his senses. It filled him up, much lower and somewhat softer than the ones before, and somehow omniferous. When his eyes had adjusted to the light and he looked up, he froze. He was standing in a concrete dome. The ceiling was high above them, disappearing in the shadows. The walls were bare, grey flesh between steel ribs. The people looked tiny in here, crushed by waves of dark techno music. This was it. This was what he had heard outside. And as he was standing there, just one small being in that vast space, it dawned on him that he had found the true heart of the city.
At that moment he felt how the drug was working in his system. He was alerted, awake. His body screaming to move, to shake off the excess energy.
“Can we dance now?” It shocked him how pleading these words sounded. “What is happening?”
“Relax!” Yuriy answered, “That’s just the Speed. The MDMA kicks in later.”
The masses closed in on them. Kai could see the people around him clearer now thanks to the orange glow. Most of them seemed to be in some kind of trance. There was no talking or other interactions, just dancing. It was impossible to tell them apart. They all looked androgynous, ageless, each and everyone of them with a certain beauty, like crowds in Renaissance paintings, luscious and dreamy. And then there was Yuriy who blended in and stood out at the same time - maybe it was his hair, maybe it was thanks to Kai’s feelings for him. These odd feelings that accompanied him since he had left Petersburg on that fateful fourteenth day; never troubling, never painful, but also never fading. He lived with this like he would with a new scar, with the difference that the one that had caused the wound came back occasionally to look at him and say: That was me. I did that to you. Kai wondered whether Yuriy was proud of himself.
His body had started to move. Kai was by no means a dancer, but then again, whatever people were doing here wasn’t really dancing, either. They were all just reacting to the beat, letting the music pump through them. It felt like the right thing to do, and his limbs were thankful for this kind of relief. If he had to stand still he would’ve gotten anxious.
Yuriy came closer and Kai could feel their bodies colliding, accidentally and fleeting. His arms and hands were warm now. They got caught in the stream of people that slowly carried them through the hall; at some point Kai noticed a booth on the wall above them which apparently was the center of the music. The sounds were less agitated here than downstairs, the style was more minimalistic and a little slower, but still intense.
There was a sparkling of something positive in his head, a slight burn maybe, that made him feel at ease. He was yearning to feel Yuriy’s skin on his. Hands touched his back and his arms, pushed him towards the other one who seemed about to give himself over willingly to the unknown entity that lived in these walls. Dissolving in the masses. Carefully, Kai came closer, and then Yuriy’s arms wrapped around him as if he had only waited for him. They were both already sweaty, but Kai enjoyed the warmth of the other’s body that moved slowly against his.
And then came the waves. They were only in Kai’s head, that much he knew, and looking back they had started building up a while ago, but now he could no longer ignore them. They washed over him, confusing, cleansing. A very unlikely thought formed in his mind: He was exactly where he was supposed to be. Right here, right now, everything was good.
At that moment Yuriy grabbed him by the waist and pulled him closer. “How are you now?” he said loudly, with that deep voice that caused him to shiver. Instead of answering he reached for Yuriy and kissed him hard, the feeling of his lips like the crashing of another wave. Yuriy kissed him back hungrily, his grip becoming even firmer, his thumbs pressing into his sides. They paused, and when Kai opened his eyes he could see a confused look on Yuriy’s face before he felt his hands sliding under his shirt. “Why are you wearing two shirts? Wait. Is that… mesh?”
“Oh, that.” He had totally forgotten about that. Hell, at that moment he didn’t even remember why he chose to put on both shirts in the first place. “Uh, I guess?”
“Holy shit.” Slowly Yuriy pulled the cotton shirt up and over his head, and strangely enough Kai didn’t feel the slightest hint of shame, even though he was fully aware how much of his body was visible through this tiny amount of fabric. He took the shirt from Yuriy and sloppily wrapped it around his belt once, then looked back at his companion who just stood there and stared at him.
“What?” Kai asked.
Yuriy shook his head. “You look so fucking hot.”
He didn’t know what to say. The lights seemed a bit too bright, and his body slowly came down from the energy high. He was overly aware of how the mesh fabric was laying on his skin. The burning sensation in his head had become a bit stronger.
“Should we go somewhere else?” he suggested.
“Yeah,” said Yuriy, “Let’s find a quiet place.”
Kai was glad that Yuriy had taken control, because during the following minutes he stopped caring about a lot of things. Where they were going, for example, and why. But also, what other people might think about him, seeing him like that. Instead, he felt genuinely good with himself. Holding Yuriy’s hand was nice. Sometimes something caught his eye, a person maybe or a particularly beautiful color, caused by some brief colliding of light beams, and these things truly and deeply fascinated him. He was partially aware that all this was caused by the Ecstasy, but it was more like an observation than anything else. There was no judging now.
Suddenly they were at the bar again. It was much quieter here, and Kai realized that there was a rushing in his ears that faded only slowly. Yuriy handed him a small bottle of water. “You gotta drink that, okay?” He nodded and did what he was told. He liked how Yuriy touched him, how his hands guided him through the night. He could feel the steadiness of Yuriy’s palm on his lower back, almost as if on his bare skin. But then again, his skin was indeed almost bare. He chuckled.
They found a small sofa next to the counter, still holding hands while they sat down. “Talk to me,” Yuriy demanded after taking a few sips from his own bottle, “How are you feeling?”
“I, uh…” Kai let his gaze wander through the room, lost for words. He noticed how different his voice sounded. “Actually. Fucking great.” Upon hearing Yuriy laugh he turned back to him. “Aren’t you feeling anything?”
“Kai, I’m high as a kite!”
“Really?!” He had to laugh again. “Fuck. I can’t tell.”
“Because you’re too occupied with yourself. As always.”
“So how are you feeling?”
There was a few seconds of silence, and Kai almost forgot what he had asked. “Connected,” Yuriy finally said and sounded almost relieved. “It’s like… You know, I usually don’t feel that. I don’t… connect with other people. My mind is always traveling. But now - it’s like everything is coming together. And I can see them and feel them - I mean, people - and just, like, be part of that? And it’s… pretty fucking awesome.”
There was another wave washing over him now, so Kai could just sit there and nod while staring at the ceiling. “I don’t get it,” he mumbled, “I mean, I do, but… Fuck. Hey, can I hug you?”
Without a word, Yuriy embraced him. Kai wrapped his arms around his upper body and buried his face in his chest, breathing in his scent. There was the softness of Yuriy’s shirt under his fingertips, and the smoothness of his back, and the sharpness of his shoulder blades. “My god, that feels so good,” he said, his voice muffled. Yuriy shifted a bit to get more comfortable and leaned back, his hand lazily playing with Kai’s hair.
Kai closed his eyes. “My brain is burning,” he mumbled, and that was the most accurate description for what he was feeling.
“That’s okay,” Yuriy reassured him, “You’re fine. If it’s getting too intense, just wait a bit. It’ll get better.”
He just nodded again and left his eyes closed, leaning against Yuriy who was breathing steadily, calmly. It was so nice being close to him, and after a while Kai came down a bit, at least enough to take in his surroundings again. Ah yes, the bar. There were quite a few other people here, but nobody paid any attention to them. That is, until he noticed a guy looking directly at them. His body language was relaxed, and he seemed to smile, though Kai could not tell from afar. And then he took his drink and came over, pointed at the free spot next to Yuriy and said something in German. Yuriy just nodded and moved a bit to the side, and the guy sat down. “Sprecht ihr Deutsch oder Englisch?” he asked.
“Beides ist okay.”
They shook hands. “Hi. Ich bin Torsten,” the guy introduced himself loudly.
“Yuriy. Das ist Kai.” He recognized his name but made no attempt to welcome the stranger. Instead, he put his head back on Yuriy’s shoulder, silently watching as they continued talking.
“Freut mich. Alles gut bei euch?”
“Hmhm.” Kai could feel Yuriy’s voice vibrating on his cheek, and the guy just stared at the redhead, completely enraptured. He seemed to be a bit older, had very short hair and a rather broad face, but his appearance was not unpleasant. He wore some kind of leather shirt and tight pants, and heavy silver chains around his neck and wrists. They looked at each other briefly, and the guy smiled at Kai before speaking to Yuriy again.
“Ich hab’ dich von Weitem gesehen und dachte, ich komm’ mal rüber und sag Hallo. Du bist echt süß.”
“Oh, Dankeschön.” Yuriy didn’t seem to be taken aback by his loud voice. Kai, meanwhile, didn’t understand a word that was said, but he was fascinated by how different Yuriy sounded when he spoke another language.
“Ja, weißt du,” the stranger said, “Ich hab so ein bisschen ein Ding für Rothaarige, ehrlich gesagt.”
“Ah.” Kai could hear how Yuriy’s voice changed and he wondered what had been said, but the guy didn’t seem to get the hint, because he came a bit closer and continued, “Darf ich dir einen blasen? Dein Freund kann auch zugucken, wenn er will.”
Yuriy let out a short laugh. “Lieb von dir, aber nein danke. Sorry,” he answered.
The stranger shrugged. “Schade. Dann noch einen schönen Abend euch!” And he got up and left as quickly as he had come.
Kai straightened himself up. “What was that?” he asked.
“That,” Yuriy answered, “was Torsten. He likes redheads and offered a blowjob. He said you can watch if you want.”
“Oh.” Why was Kai not surprised at all? “And you said no to a free blowjob?”
“You know, I’ve been to the darkrooms before, and let me tell you, it is not nice.” Yuriy looked at him attentively. “Are you feeling better?”
“I’m good.” And that was the truth. “What are we doing now?”
“Dunno. More dancing?”
Kai frowned. “More kissing?” he offered. “You know, to show that Torsten guy that the only one who will give you a blowjob tonight is me.”
“Is that a promise?” Yuriy said, bending forward. Kai looked at his mouth, then into his eyes that were dark in the dim light. “Maybe. If you ask nicely.” He felt how Yuriy put a hand on his leg, squeezing his inner thigh ever so slightly. “Well that is a first,” he said, “Kai Hiwatari is flirting. You should do that more often.”
“What?”
“No, I’m serious. There are people begging for your attention as soon as they see you - even tonight I saw a lot of people checking you out. But you never seem to notice. And moreover, you usually get completely flustered when somebody compliments you. Seriously, Kai, you should play more.”
“But I don’t want them to get clingy!” Kai said.
Yuriy rolled his eyes. “This is a club. Nobody expects more than a quick adventure. You just saw our German friend; he didn’t even ask for my number or anything. Hell, I don’t want you to fuck around, Kai. But look at you. You have a fucking nice body, you worked hard for it, you’re showing it off. And you have the pretty face to go with it - I mean, you’re allowed to flirt and play around a bit. It doesn’t hurt.”
“I know, but…” He sighed. “Most times I don’t want to do what other people want to do. And it’s just too complicated.”
“Yeah, because you’re making it complicated. From my experience, everything is negotiable, and if not, then don’t do it. It is that simple, Kai, really.”
“Seriously, Yuriy, I’m too high for this discussion.” It was not even a lie; his head was spinning, but his tone wasn’t annoyed, quite the contrary. Something about this small argument made him chuckle again. For the first time he felt comfortable with expressing his feelings, because it seemed impossible to hide anything from Yuriy anyway.
Yuriy grinned and leaned in again. “Come here.” One hand dug in Kai’s leg, the other wrapped around his neck. Finally, they kissed. Such a nice feeling. Not overwhelming, because there were other things going on in Kai’s head, but very pleasant. He didn’t know how long it lasted, but this time Yuriy seemed more into it than he was. They shared a lot of kisses every time they met, it was not unusual, but tonight each and everyone felt, if not intense, then at least meaningful.
“So are you feeling connected now?” he asked when they briefly interrupted their doing.
“Very much,” Yuriy said, being so close that Kai could feel his breath on his wet lips.
“That’s nice,” he murmured and brushed his mouth against Yuriy’s. “Also, if I may add, having you beg for my attention.”
“Ha.” He could see Yuriy’s teeth glistening for a second when he grinned widely. “I think that feeling is mutual.” He paused. “Let’s go dancing. I need to move.”
“Really?” Yuriy had never been overly enthusiastic about dancing.
“Yeah. Sitting around is making me nervous.”
And so they did that. It was just pointless, really, wandering through that vast building with its meandering corridors, but then again, wasn’t that the sole purpose? Not to have a goal to reach? Kai felt a deep affection for the people around him, all of them, because they were sharing this night and this adventure with him. They returned to the main hall, and Kai bathed in the presence of the others. He realized they were by far not the only ones tripping, which was kind of reassuring. But his thoughts were fleeting and wavering, and he felt like he was just - there. In the here and now. He was captivated by the spotlights that wandered across the walls, by the scratches and scars and open wounds they illuminated in the concrete. But the most intense thing was the music. The beat hardly ever changed and it didn’t need to, because it erased all feeling for the passage of time from Kai’s mind. It was enchanting, resonating in his whole body. And dark, so fucking dark. A deep, pulsating energy that he could feel physically. It made him think about what Yuriy had told him about the interdependence of music and space, and he understood, on a deep but very abstract level that he would not be able to put into words.
At some point he started to shiver. It was everything but cold in here, but he thought about putting his shirt back on. It also was not really uncomfortable; he noticed his body shaking as he noticed being pushed around by other dancers. Nothing to worry about. But suddenly, Yuriy grabbed his wrist. “Hey, are you grinding your teeth?”
“What?” Was he?
“You should chew gum.”
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah, but if you continue that you’ll have a headache tomorrow.”
Stubbornly he tried to make his jaw stop moving, and he succeeded at least long enough to satisfy Yuriy. He was still shivering, though, and after dancing for so long his body slowly got tired again.
“Can we go get some more water?” he asked, touching Yuriy’s arm.
They found a bar, a different one this time, somewhere at the end of the dance floor, and then there were more stairs, and suddenly they were in the room with the strobe and the painted monsters again, but just briefly, and then they passed some sort of lattice gate that had appeared in front of them. Behind it was the cold wetness of stage smoke and dimmed lights. They walked through some kind of tunnel, filled with people in the most outrageous outfits he had seen all night. There were a lot of shiny limbs, glistering skin and open mouths - lips, tongues, teeth briefly illuminated. The smell of sweat and sweet perfume. Lots of faces only half-bare, the other half covered with masks or tulle or make-up. The movements seemed somewhat grotesque, but people here were so occupied with each other - or simply were not bothered - that they didn’t seem to notice them. It was over so quickly that Kai wondered whether he was hallucinating, even though Yuriy had promised he wouldn’t.
Again it was all dark around them and Yuriy sat him down on cushioned furniture. Kai could feel his body next to him and reached out to pull him closer. Being touched was the best thing right now. Again there was Yuriy’s hand in his hair, slowly stroking the back of his head and his neck. Kai’s hand found the buckle of the other’s belt, played with the metal before sliding up, feeling the warmth of Yuriy’s skin. He pushed up his shirt a bit to get more of this.
“Hey,” he mumbled. “You wanna go home and fuck?”
Yuriy snorted. “Kai, I don’t know if you noticed, but Ecstasy is not exactly Viagra.”
Kai frowned and looked down on himself - which was totally unnecessary, as he couldn’t see that far anyway. “Oh, you’re right,” he declared.
“So you’re not horny.”
“No? I don’t know. I just want to be close to you, I think.”
“Mh. That’s not the same as horny.”
His head sank back on Yuriy’s shoulder, he breathed in his scent. “With you it is,” he mumbled.
“How?”
“I don’t know. It’s strange, really. How I react to you. There is this… wanting. Not always, but ever so often. Sometimes it’s just hearing your voice. Not the words you’re saying but your voice. Or when we touch or kiss. Sometimes it’s just nice and sometimes I want to wrap myself all around you and just… I don’t know. Everyone always thinks that having sex is that one and only way to get really close to each other but - sometimes, even that is not close enough. Even now. You’re talking about all that stuff of feeling connected to everything, and here I am, completely in my head, completely fucking content with me and my surroundings, because I’m fucking tripping balls here - but I can’t get rid of this border between me and you and me and everyone else. And maybe I also don’t want to? Maybe I will have good and meaningful sex and nice trips in my life, but ultimately I’m not meant to feel like I’m one half of a whole or one part of something bigger or whatever… I’m not making sense, am I?”
“No,” said Yuriy, “Go on. I wanna hear that.”
“All I’m saying is: Maybe I am good own my own. Maybe that’s my thing.” Kai raised both hands in a helpless gesture. “I’m not even sad about it. I never could imagine myself as having a family. Whenever I think about the future I see myself alone, but I am perfectly content with that! In fact, I’m kinda looking forward to it.”
“But you’re not alone, you have friends. How about a found family?”
“Yuriy, you don’t understand.” Kai patted his arm. “But that’s okay. I like what we have.”
“Yeah, me too, I guess. Whatever this is.”
“I don’t think I need a definition for it. But Yuriy...” Kai sat up. “Can we please not lose each other again? My life is better with you in it.”
“You don’t have to tell me, you’re the one who’s shit at staying in contact”, Yuriy countered.
“Yeah,” he said, “Sorry. I’m trying, but, you know.”
“I know. And I hate myself for forgiving you every damn time.”
As he nodded, Kai noticed his jaw had begun to tremble again. The fuzzy happiness slowly faded, and it was okay, but he also started to feel tired. Then he remembered he still had his second shirt and put it back on. It didn’t change much. He started to miss the thick coat he had left at the cloakroom.
Yuriy straightened up now as well. “Should we leave?” he suggested. “We can get Döner on the way back. Food will be good now.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“I don’t care. You leave a club, you eat Döner. It’s the law.”
But Babel didn’t want to let them get away so easily. They had made their way deep into the building’s stomach, and Kai had no idea where to even look for the exit. Even Yuriy wasn’t sure anymore, and maybe the rooms had changed since the last time he had been here; maybe they had developed or morphed into something else, maybe that was why everything was falling apart: caused by constant movement that shook the whole structure to its core.
As they made their way through the rooms and corridors Kai tried to touch the walls again to assure himself that this place really existed. But he didn’t manage to do this, as even more people seemed to populate Babel now. And he got tired of the constant booming and hammering in his ears, and the voices, and the old smells.
When they stumbled into the sculpture hall again, it suddenly went quiet. Kai breathed, his head feeling like it was put in cotton. There seemed to be more commotion in the darkrooms now, but he walked on without so much as looking in that direction. They found the stairs and the cloakroom, and finally the building spit them out onto the street again. Immediately Kai noticed the cold silence of the early morning hours. Only a few people stood in front of Babel, and the humming from inside its walls almost faded into the air. He felt alien.

Coming down was neither pleasant nor unpleasant. They stood at a tiny Kebab shop, chewing on meat, salad and bread drenched in garlic sauce. Kai had no memories of how they got here. Neon light shone through the window and on Yuriy’s skin where it took on a greenish color. His face looked unnaturally sharp, but his eyes were a bit dull.
Kai was still cold, and he could see Yuriy shiver as well. The haze in his head started to clear away and left an overwhelmingly neutral feeling. There was the urge to not let go, to keep riding this wave of positivity, but then again, they had come back to the real world and it would not be the same out here.
Kai took over control and called a taxi while Yuriy had managed to engage in some kind of tired smalltalk with the Kebab guy, both of them sounding like old men speaking tongues. Kai took his arm as the car arrived and gently pulled him towards it. When they sat in the backseat, all warm and cozy, he had a feeling of repetition. The city stared back at him with thousands of sleepy eyes as he looked out of the window. Not much blinking or movement; just the calmth of steady light, and deep shadows like wrinkles in an old face. There were no secrets anymore, nothing to gloss over, no facade. Just them, and they were both naked in a way, mirroring their gaze, fading into each other.

He woke up on an uncomfortable mattress in a run-down, unfamiliar room. There was old stucco on the ceiling, painted over with thick white paint so that the details had been lost long ago; spiderwebs in the corners. He felt the warmth of Yuriy’s body next to his and didn’t really know if he wanted another hug or more distance between them. So he just stayed as he was, with his mind and body numb, wavering. It was impossible to tell how much time had passed when Yuriy woke up as well. He sighed and stirred, then turned around and blinked at him. “How are you?”
“Incredibly sad,” Kai said.
“Aww. You’re all out of serotonin?”
“Yeah.” He didn’t know and he didn’t care. But Yuriy came closer, resting on his elbows. “You need a shower and food,” he said, “That will make things better.”
“It’s okay. I knew it would happen. Kinda.” Because everything had a price; even a night of getting lost in a place he wasn’t sure really existed.
“Well, you’re smarter than me then,” Yuriy said, “When I did it the first time I went home alone. Woke up the next day and felt like shit. I mean really depressed, like back when we got out of the Abbey. It was creepy, I had no idea why I was feeling that way. So I literally called my therapist in Russia. I didn’t know what else to do. She immediately asked me what I had done, and I told her, and she said, yeah well, that’s the drugs. By the way, you probably should not do things like that.”
“But you did anyway.”
“Obviously.”
Kai hesitated. “Is it worth it?” he asked then. “Because honestly, it doesn’t feel like it. Being high for five hours doesn’t make up for… everything else.”
“Hm. Agreed. But that wasn’t the goal, was it?”
Finally he looked at Yuriy. It was scaring him, how little he felt. But when he raised his hand to touch his face, his hair, it got better.
“I have to get my shit together before I meet Ralf,” he declared, and red eyebrows shot up. “Oh god, me too. But that’s tomorrow. Plenty of time.”
Kai nodded. The room felt tight around him. He wasn’t cold anymore; on the contrary. But he despised everything that was touching him that did not belong to him. Where were his clothes anyway? He needed the comfort of his own things.
“Do you wanna come back to the hotel with me?” he asked out of the blue. “We can just lay in bed there and order room service or something. I think I need a bit of luxury.” And the neutral smells of a room that wasn’t supposed to belong to anybody.
“Ha.” It was not a laugh that came from Yuriy. He probably was down, too.
“Whatever you want,” he said.