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It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to grow old together, adopt children. They were supposed to buy a house, they were supposed to spend their holidays with their friends.
So why, so why was he alone? Alone with his thoughts, alone with his guilt. Why was he left behind with pain? He felt like he was suffocating. Images of finding the lifeless body of his fiancee were flashing on repeat in his mind. It was like a never ending, mute movie. A movie Juho couldn't escape.
Juho had crushed Jaeyoon with his embrace upon accepting his proposal. Jaeyoon laughed, happiness oozing out of his giant, dimply smile. He had lifted his freshly engaged lover and twirled him around. Jaeyoon pressed a long, loving kiss on Juho's forehead, who in return couldn't contain the bright smile. The rings on their fingers glistened under the sun proudly.
So why, why had Jaeyoon left him? It was unlike his partner to leave something unfinished. How badly had he been hurting, how dense had Juho been? How much pain had Jaeyoon been hiding behind the bright smiles, behind the laughter? For how long had it been going on?
Had Juho even paid enough attention to his partner? Jaeyoon had always been gentle with him but had Juho reciprocated the same amount of affection?
Juho was sure Jaeyoon didn't mean to ever gather his family and friends in one place for an occasion like this. He was sure that Jaeyoon had wanted their families meet on a better occasion, to reunite differently.
He did his best to keep Jaeyoon as a young adult in his mind, fresh, witty and funny. It proved to be hard. The way his lover's empty eyes bore into Juho's erased any positive memory he had left.
They were out, taking a walk through the city. Jaeyoon had pulled him towards a park, running ahead while laughing. His laugh was contagious, so Juho broke out in a smile too. He followed his partner and once he reached the green field, Jaeyoon pulled him down with him. They fell softly onto the grass, staring up at the sky. Juho linked their fingers together, catching Jaeyoon staring at him with affection. The moon illuminated Jaeyoon's features. Juho absolutely adored the way Jaeyoon's dimples highlighted his gentle smile. He adored the way Jaeyoon scrunched his nose when he laughed, the way his eyes formed crescents. Jaeyoon's full cheeks- Juho loved pressing little kisses against them. Jaeyoon rolled towards him, hovering over Juho. He kept quiet, studying Juho's sharp features. It was like he was trying to etch his lover's face into his mind. Jaeyoon traced his features gently with the tip of his fingers, ghosting over each crook and cranny.
Juho should've known something was off, Jaeyoon had never been the touchy one between the two. Juho should've known something was up with how snuggly the older had gotten days before he found him.
Looking back, he should've noticed the wistful look in his eyes. Juho should've had his alarm bells ring when Jaeyoon wouldn't let him go that morning.
Jaeyoon had kissed him deeply, letting all his affection and love pour out, everything he had felt towards the other. It was like a goodbye kiss. Again, Juho had been too stupid to notice.
Could he have changed Jaeyoon's mind if he had called in sick for work? Could he have said something that could've shown him how much Juho adored the male? He didn't know.
Jaeyoon was gone and Juho felt like he was responsible. He was gone and so was half of Juho.
He had no tears left, so he just sat on the armchair, blankly staring out of the window. He wasn't alone, he was surrounded by his family and close friends but Juho was alone. His best friend had made sure to not leave him alone, not until he got better. Juho wasn't sure he would ever recover. His thoughts wandered back to Jaeyoon, how he had been half lying on their shared bed. How his eyes were just staring lifelessly ahead, a picture tightly clutched in his rigid hands. Dried blood around his mouth and Juho couldn't imagine what he had done.
He knew that he could never enter the bedroom again. Not without being crushed with the horrifying images flooding his mind.
It has been days since Jaeyoon had been laid to rest. Juho prayed he was free of whatever pulled him down, that he was happy. Clearly, he had failed to give Jaeyoon that. There had been a small note written in his messy handwriting, the only difference was that it was stained with tears. Juho couldn't bring himself to read it.
Juho just couldn't.
"Juho, come on. You need to eat something. It's been days since you had a proper meal." He was grateful for his friends, he really was. Yet he couldn't seem to bother to show them.
Juho had lost the only person he had truly loved. "I'm not hungry. Thank you." A tiny smile, it didn't reach his eyes. Seokwoo could tell he was hurting terribly, he could tell the smile was forced. Juho had gone back to looking out of the window.
Juho was still sitting in the living room. His pain was still as fresh as two weeks ago. He barely left their apartment and he hadn't showered in a week. Juho was yearning to feel his partner in his arms again. He was aching to kiss him, to play with his hair. He was aching to hold his hand while they took a walk. The phone was lying in front of him, hundreds of missed calls from his friends. He didn't call them back. Instead, he fought with himself to call every guest, cancelling everything they had planned for their wedding.
Tears spilled out, tears he didn't know he had left, once he was talking to their vendor. He couldn't stop the sobs breaking through, feeling terribly sorry for the woman on the other line, feeling terribly sorry for not being able to show Jaeyoon how wonderful the world could be, how much of a blessing he was.
Juho had cancelled everything, everything but the venue. He couldn't bring himself to call it off.
The note. It jumped at him, practically, as he set his phone down. The brightly smiling Jaeyoon on his display disappeared as the screen turned black.
Juho shakily picked it up, scared to read what Jaeyoon's last words were to him. Juho was scared he would completely break.
My beloved Juho,
you've been the only light in my life, guiding me through the darkness.
A darkness that gradually got worse. I'm sorry for dragging you down with me. I'm sorry I am not enough. I'm sorry that I made you love me.
I had so much to say but I couldn’t taint you, I couldn’t burden you.
Don't blame yourself, please don't. It's better this way. I'm leaving, so you can be free.
I love you. Eternally.
Yours,
Jaeyoon
Oh how Juho wished he had never read the letter. How he wished he hadn't known how much Jaeyoon despised himself. His wish was for Juho to be happy, but how was he supposed to fulfill it when his biggest source of joy had been ripped away from him?
Juho couldn't comprehend, he couldn't understand how he had missed the hate Jaeyoon had harboured against himself. Juho choked on his own tears, a knot forming in his throat making him unable to swallow. Juho crumbled, pathetically curling up on the sofa, rocking back and forth lightly as he let the crushing pain and sadness overwhelm him.
Months passed and Juho had isolated himself more and more. His friends were at loss of what to do. Some were understanding enough to give Juho the time he needed but the majority broke off contact. He didn't care, he couldn't bring himself to care.
Seokwoo had found his friend sitting on one of the front row chairs in the venue they had rented for their wedding. Juho was wearing the tuxedo they had bought for the special day. Back then, it was tightly fitting but now, everything hung loosely. Juho was holding a picture of Jaeyoon.
Seokwoo sat next to him, silently resting Juho's head on his shoulder. Juho didn't cry but his eyes were stricken with tears. He didn't fight it when his friend made him rest his head against his shoulder, gently stroking the picture in his hands.
"I miss him, I miss him so much." Juho's voice broke, shattering Seokwoo's heart.
He couldn't imagine what Juho must be feeling, knowing that he was the one to find Jaeyoon's body. He had heard that it wasn't a nice sight.
He made Juho stay with him. He couldn't leave the male behind in the couple's apartment. Juho hadn't put up a fight, he was drained of any energy he had left. Juho had packed one of Jaeyoon's shirts. He tried leaving the bedroom quickly but it was like he hadn't control over himself.
The bed hadn't been touched since the fateful day. It was exactly like how the paramedics had left it, dried dark drops of blood on the blanket and pillow. Juho gripped the wardrobe door tightly, sucking in a harsh breath.
He was so sure Jaeyoon was sitting there, right on the bed. He was smiling brightly, patting the spot next to him. When Juho reached out, his smile melted off into a frown, blood oozing out of his beautiful mouth. The playful glimmer had been wiped off by an empty stare and Jaeyoon's body sacked to the side, limp.
Juho had dropped the bag he was holding, falling into a crouching position while gripping his hair. His eyes were wide in fear, his breathing coming out rigid and shallow. He felt being shaken, hands on either of his shoulders. Juho only managed to snap back as Seokwoo pinched his arm. He was too blinded by horrible images to see the worry in his best friend’s eyes.
Juho was sitting on Seokwoo’s balcony in nothing but a thin shirt and shorts. His face was sunken in, he couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten without vomiting moments later. He was in incredible pain, physically, emotionally. Juho tried so hard, he tried so hard to get a grip, he tried so hard to get back to living his life but it proved to be hard. In fact, he fought so much that he found himself drained of any energy. He watched the dark sky slowly fade into a purple then orange as the sun started rising.
Juho imagined Jaeyoon sitting next to him, holding his hand and Juho resting his head on Jaeyoon’s shoulder. For a moment, Juho pretended to feel the warmth of his partner. A cold gust of wind harshly pulled him back to reality. Juho closed his eyes, trying to savour the silence.
Juho was laughing at a joke Jaeyoon had cracked. He shook his head with a smile, brushing a strand of his hair out of Jaeyoon’s face. They had been out with their friends, on the way to a club he had heard of. Usually, Juho was more of a lets stay at home and cuddle type but he couldn’t resist the little pouts and puppy eyes Jaeyoon had thrown at him the entire week over. He didn’t like crowds but for Jaeyoon, he’d do anything. The entire time over, he never left his fiancee’s side, pressing his side into Jaeyoon’s at all times. Jaeyoon had in return just cooed at Juho’s antics.
He hadn’t noticed the small smile that had crept up on his face, his eyes still closed. Juho’s face hurt, the smile dropped, replaced by another frown. He opened his eyes again, the rays of the sun hurting his orbs. Juho didn’t look away, though. The pain gave him a sense of being alive. Moments like these, though, where the world seemed to stand still, where nature was showing its true beauty, made Juho think that maybe that living was not as bad as he had thought the past year. But then, the smallest thing reminded him of his lover and he scoffed at his own thoughts.
Suddenly, questions flooded his mind. His inner peace was once again ripped apart. Did he find it hard to breathe? Did he cry, cry so much he couldn’t see? Did Jaeyoon feel all of what Juho is feeling right now, what he felt yesterday, the past year, every day while hiding his sorrow behind a smile? Who hurt him? Who hurt Jaeyoon, his perfect Jaeyoon, to the point he couldn’t take it anymore? Juho hung his head low, his arms resting against the cold rail of the balcony.
Jaeyoon had been hurting, he had been hurting so much and Juho didn’t do anything. He had been the light in Juho’s life, he had been the one to guide him through the hardest times and yet Juho hadn’t done anything to help Jaeyoon. Maybe it was his fault, after all. He didn’t believe anyone telling him that he couldn’t have known, that Jaeyoon had never shown any signs. Jaeyoon had silently screamed for help and Juho had ignored it. He didn’t deserve anything but pain.
He sucked in a harsh breath, letting the hatred wash over himself. Juho had never gotten the chance to say goodbye, he was gone in a blink of an eye. Jaeyoon had been like a shooting star, rare and gone too soon, too fast.
Juho would never be the same again. He knew, his family knew, his friends knew. Jaeyoon was a part of him and Juho was gone, too, with Jaeyoon. He was just an empty shell of what he used to be. Sure, he went by with his life day by day but Juho had given up on fixing his shattered heart.
He didn’t deserve happiness. All Juho could do was to pray that Jaeyoon was now in a better place.
He spent most of his free time at Jaeyoon's grave. Mainly to water the flowers and light a candle for his soul. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to visit the graveyard every day. Perhaps it would've been easier to let go if Juho had lit the candles at the apartment instead, it had been over three years now after all. He couldn't, though. He couldn't bring himself to let Jaeyoon down one more time.
"You know, Jaeyoon. Tomorrow is-" Juho was sitting on a thin blanket, facing the marble while thumbing the flowers. "Nevermind. Haven't been celebrating for the past years anyway." Juho let out a gentle yet empty laugh, the soft rustling of the wind was like Jaeyoon was answering him. "Yeah, it's really not the same without you." His fingers stopped cradling the petals of the forget-me-not.
A strong blast of air shook through the blossoms Juho was taking care of. He looked around and seemed to be the only one to notice it- either that or he was just imagining it.
His phone was vibrating in his pocket. Juho ignored it, like he always did for the past years.
Juho's dark, long hair fell into his eyes as he let his head fall slightly. "Do you remember how my brother once tried to hit on your sister?" He chuckled at the memory. Jaeyoon had been livid when he found out that his sister had skipped school for three days straight to meet up with Juho's brother. "The two skipped school after that, too. I saw them hanging out at an ice cafe." A wistful, tiny smile was on Juho's face. His eyes were distant, unfocused.
He had managed to keep all his tears down, though he was screaming and shattered inside. He had put on a facade, a mask to fool everyone around him. And the worst was, they all fell for it.
Was this how Jaeyoon had felt? Juho still tried to figure out the answers to that.
He had developed an unhealthy addiction to sleeping pills. On the outside, Juho looked okay. He behaved like any healthy person would- wake up, take a shower and brush his teeth, eat something even if it's just a small portion and leave for work. Visit Jaeyoon, come back home and relax. On the inside, though, he was restless. His mind seemed to be extra active in the evening. To make it worse, his partner visited him in his dreams. Juho didn't necessarily hate it, no. On the contrary. He absolutely enjoyed the time he was asleep simply because his dreams felt so real.
And to be able to spend more time with Jaeyoon, Juho had started taking sleeping pills. At first, it had been just one but the more he took them, the more he spent time in the blissful state that sleep brought him- the more pills he took. Over the span of a day he would end up taking up to ten pills.
Juho looked up to the sky like so often, watching the clouds pass by slowly. At least in his mind Jaeyoon was awake forever.
“I have so much to say, Jaeyoon. So much. But you’re so far away.” He whispered, hoping once more that Jaeyoon could hear him up in the sky. “I hope your pain is gone now. You’re free, my love.” His bottom lip quivered as he tried to hold back all his sorrow. He clutched the pill bottle tightly in his hand.
Juho had failed to get past the stage of grief, he had failed to heal. He was broken. He was shattered.
“I miss you.”