Archive of Our Own

“The amazing thing is that every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way they could get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. The stars died so that you could be here today.”

Jungkook knew this extract by heart; he had read it again and again in his favourite book called A Universe from Nothing: Why There is Something Rather Than Nothing written by Lawrence Krauss, a famous physician. He had thought a lot about the universe, about how he once was part of a star. A star had exploded just to make him and billions of other people, animals, buildings, things. Stars were also probably created because of other stars. Jungkook believed there was something rather than nothing in the universe: the truth was that they were surrounded by many forms of living and none of them were human. The universe itself had its own way of creation, reproduction, balance and stability. 

If he thought about it, every human had developed a small part of the universe within themself; if they were created from stardust, then their whole body was a tiny part of space and their personality represented the planets, the stars, the moons and the many systems in it. That was how Jungkook thought of humans. Microcosmes. 

In one of the wide corridors of the Seoul National University, Jungkook raised his head from his phone after blasting yellow is the color of your eyes by Soccer Mommy in his headphones. He had an editing class a few minutes later but a lot of students were gathered around the wide noticeboard at the intersection between his corridor and the one which led to the exit and he was curious about the crowd. For someone who didn’t come a lot, the university would probably look like a maze, but Jungkook knew it by heart, since he used to take random corridors to explore the building during his first year. When he met someone he barely knew in the hall, he took his headphones off and frowned. “What’s going on?” he asked. 

The student next to him budged over to let Jungkook become part of the crowd. “You know that stupid contest organised by the Students’ Office every year? Well, this year, you can win an actual scholarship. Crazy, right?” Jungkook raised his eyebrows. Indeed, every year, a bunch of students collectively selected by the administration thanks to their perfect grades, entered the Students’ Office and were charged to organise the events that took place in the university throughout the year. A tradition remained every year: a contest for which the cutest couple who was chosen by the students won a prize. People had to write their name and their significant other’s on a list to enter the contest and for a whole semester, they had to /pretend to/ be the most perfect couple one had ever seen. At the end of the semester, the Students’ Office provided a handmade polling station in the form of a fitting room for the students to vote for who they think would be the cutest couple. The prizes varied between weekends in the forest, couples massages, or random objects… but this year, the prize was a scholarship. And Jungkook desperately needed a scholarship.

Jungkook lived in a very small apartment a few bus stops away from the university but the rent was still higher than he could afford. His parents, who lived in Busan helped him a little but it was never close to enough and Jungkook had to work in a record shop when he didn’t study for his exams. As Jungkook left the gathering to join his class, he thought about how unfair it was for people to be able to win a scholarship just by being cute while some other people were actually struggling to have a decent life. The contest was 1) stupid, 2) elitist. And he hated it. They should have, at least, organised a contest that would actually benefit most students. 

He thought about it during class, he thought about it on his way to the study room and he even thought about it while editing his project on his computer. That wasn't fair at all. 

Suddenly, a familiar face burst out of nowhere and joined Jungkook on the couch of the study room, a paper in his hands. “Jeon Jungkook, I have great news!” he said, happily. His pink hair looked like it smelled strawberry as well as his glossy lips. “I have found a way for you to win money without doing anything,” he added. 

“I already told you I’m not making an OnlyFans.” 

Jimin made a face. “And you’re so wrong for this but it’s not it.” He then showed what Jungkook feared the most at the moment: a poster for the contest, one of many which had been stuck on every wall of the university. In big yellow letters, one could read: “THE CUTEST COUPLE CONTEST”, and in red letters: “FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, WIN A SCHOLARSHIP!!” Jungkook almost fell bad to push the poster away. Jimin’s smile faded away as well. “What?”

“I’m not doing that,” Jungkook answered, his eyes on his computer. “It’s stupid.” 

Jimin opened his eyes wide. “Uh, yes? That’s exactly why you should do it. Look, you can’t really be difficult about it. You need money.” 

“It’s just so unfair that rich people could win that money because they're cute as a couple. I hate this school,” Jungkook pouted.

“Look, the contest is gonna take place whether you participate or not. If you don't participate, you just give one more chance to rich people to win the contest. Take advantage of the school’s elitism. Participate. Simple. Waw, I’m so good at this, I should be a lawyer.”

Jungkook gave a faint smile. Jimin was really good at this. He had always encouraged him to do things since kindergarten. He was his best friend, he wanted the best for him. Jungkook gave in a little. “I’m not even dating, right now.” 

Jimin clapped. He was flat on his stomach on the couch next to Jungkook. “You can just pretend! They don’t have to know you’re not really dating.” 

“That sounds so hard, what if I get caught?” Jungkook whined. He closed his laptop and took his glasses off. “Besides, I don’t even have that many friends I could pretend to date.” 

It was true; Jimin was Jungkook’s childhood best friend but besides him, he didn’t have that many friends. Hoseok was the only one he could ask for this, but he was already in a relationship with Namjoon. 

“You don’t need a lot of friends, you just need one! And yes, I will gladly do you that favour.” Jimin’s smile was wide. Why would he want to be Jungkook’s fake boyfriend? Jimin didn’t need a scholarship. 

Jungkook sighed. Everything told him it was a bad idea; yet, he was giving in a little more every time Jimin opened his mouth. “You would do that for me?” he asked. 

“I’m the one suggesting it. Plus, I’m a great actor.” Jimin was a theatre student, and he never missed a chance to remind people of it.  

“But I’m not.”

“You just have to pretend to be attracted to me, it’s not that hard. Unless you think I’m ugly?” Jimin laughed. 

Truth was, Jungkook had never found an ounce of ugliness in Jimin. Everything was beautiful about him. His hair always smelled good, he had the face of a doll even when he woke up in the morning, he was charming, encouraging, caring. He always took care of Jungkook when he was wasted, sick, or sad. He offered the best Christmas gifts, and made the most beautiful pumpkins for Halloween. He adapted his voice when Jungkook was upset, he always told the truth even if it was painful but he was never mean, he always communicated well when something was wrong and never shouted. He was beautiful. And Jungkook had had a tiny crush on him for a few years. Fake dating him would certainly be awkward, and it was part of the reason why Jungkook was so dubious. 

He blushed but didn’t let Jimin see. “I’ll think about it.” 

Jimin got up from the couch and raised both his thumbs. In his head, Jungkook had probably completely given in, and he was right. Jungkook sighed and slumped on the couch after Jimin left the study room. If someone had told him he would fake date his childhood best friend in order to win a contest to get a scholarship, he would have laughed to their face. Yet, here he was, torned by that decision to make. 

❊

Later in the afternoon, Jungkook crossed the same corridors as earlier except that the crowd was gone. In the middle of the hall, near the intersection, a little table had been installed with a pile of white forms, a pencil pot with various pens and the poster of the contest on it. Seated behind that table was a tall girl Jungkook had seen a few times before; she was probably part of the Students’ Office. She didn’t smile at all, even when Jungkook tried as much as he could to be polite. He watched the poster for a moment until the girl greeted him. “H-Hello,” he answered. Jungkook could see she was chewing something when he looked at her.

“You want to participate?” she asked, already gathering the forms. 

He didn’t know, that was why he answered with another question. “Why is the prize a scholarship this year? Wouldn’t it be simpler to give it to the poorest students in need?” Jungkook doubted he could have an honest answer, but he tried anyway. 

“Thanks to the events we organised the previous years, we collected enough money to obtain a scholarship to give away,” she answered, very confident. 

“You realise people who don’t need the scholarship can win it too, right?”

The girl sighed. “Are you gonna participate or not?” She didn’t know, so she answered with another question. 

Jungkook rolled his eyes and took a pen in the pencil pot. She handed him a form. He hesitated for a while but he ended up writing both his name and Jimin’s in the right squares. As he was signing what felt like a bad decision, he thought about everything that could go wrong. Yet, he didn’t detach his pen from the sheet of paper until he was done. 

❊

When the sun set in the sky, Jungkook came home, his arms dangling. His home would never take a capital H; because it had never been somewhere he wanted to be. He slept there, ate there, washed there, worked there but he was not at Home. Jungkook was at Home when he was anywhere near Jimin, because he was the one who made him feel comfortable, at ease. He thought about the contest again. What was so thrilling for Jimin to fake date him? Why him? Perhaps it was not important, perhaps he did it only for Jungkook’s sake. It didn’t matter: now they had to do it. He put his backpack on the couch and took his phone.

jungkook — 6:46 pm

i did it

jimin — 6:50 pm

still not the onlyfans, i suppose...

jungkook — 6:51 pm

we’re officially fake dating

should i call you babe in my phone?

jimin — 6:51 pm

YAAAAAY I KNEW YOU WOULD DO IT

btw call me boyfriend jimin red heart it’s more obvious

jungkook — 6:53 pm

...is it too late to back out

The day after, Jungkook greeted Jimin with a hand on his shoulder, something he used to do all the time but now that they were officially fake dating, every move was calculated. They sneaked in the study room together and took place on the couch. 

Jimin giggled and got closer to Jungkook. “I’m so excited.” 

Jungkook took a textbook and a pen from his backpack and started to draw a table with both their names written in it. “What are your requests? What should we do and not do?” he asked. 

“Come to see my plays.”

“I already do that. I was thinking of something that would let people know we’re in a relationship, like physical touches.”

“You want to kiss me?” Jimin teased. Deep down, Jungkook wanted to say Why not? but he knew Jimin was joking. He was like that. He didn’t want to embarrass himself by saying yes. 

“No, not necessarily,” he started. “But we could run our hands through each other’s hair when we see each other, we could kiss each other on the cheeks or the forehead, walk side by side with our hands intertwined.” A lump grew in Jungkook’s stomach thinking about getting a kiss from Jimin on the forehead or intertwining his hand with his. Or were those butterflies?

“Yeah, okay. Also, you could come after my classes and I would jump in your arms. We could study together playing with our feet at the library and go on dates where a lot of people from uni go to, like the park.” 

“Should we tell our friends too?” Jungkook asked, writing all the requests down.

“We should tell Hoseok, Taehyung and Namjoon that it’s fake but don’t tell anyone else. It’s important that no one knows, otherwise everyone could find out and we would be disqualified.” 

Jungkook agreed and wrote a few more details in the table before leaving the study room with Jimin, a hand on his waist for everyone to see. 

“Put your hand on my waist,” he had said before opening the door. 

“Why?”

“Trust me.”

A hand on a waist was particular: you wouldn’t hold a friend this way, but it was not obvious if you actually dated them. Holding Jimin this way was very very particular because he was not just his friend, he was his best friend, his childhood best friend and now his fake boyfriend. No matter how close they had been in the past, they had never held each other this way. A hand in the back was fine, pretty normal, but a hand on the waist was intimate. And it was the very first time Jungkook put his hand on Jimin’s waist. It felt like visiting a part of the universe he had never been to before. He was exploring new planets, discovering new stars, crossing new nebulas. In Jungkook’s chest, a few stars had exploded at once when his hand had felt Jimin’s skin under his shirt. 

As they walked down the corridors in slow motion to display their new relationship, a few indiscreet looks were fixed upon Jungkook’s hand. Now, it was official. It was like carrying a sign, saying: “Yes, we are a couple.” Jungkook was not very popular; a few people knew his face but barely knew his name. However, Jimin was something else: everyone knew Jimin. Every year, a lot of people showed up to his plays and came to applaud him. He had dated a few boys, broken up with all of them, had had a crush on several, had loved only one: Kim Seokjin, also known as The Heartthrob. Jimin and Seokjin had dated for a few years and their relationship had been very cute, at first. But Seokjin was the most famous, handsome, and wanted student of their university — and he still was even though he had graduated two years ago — and Jimin felt more lonely with him than without him. They had stayed friends, though. But, indeed, this relationship had turned Jimin into a very popular figure. So when they walked past the students in the corridor, everyone laid their eyes on him. 

Jungkook brought Jimin closer to him and whispered in his ear. “It’s actually working,” he stated. Jimin looked at him in the eyes and winked. Jungkook’s heart missed a beat. How pretty . 

At lunch, Jungkook and Jimin found each other again. They took each other’s hand, almost naturally. Being intimate with Jimin was easy, because he made everything easy. They took place in the middle of the refectory, for everyone to spy on them. Fortunately, there were Hoseok and Namjoon with them; they didn’t have to dreamily smile at each other for a whole hour. 

Hoseok frowned when he saw Jungkook holding Jimin’s hand through the table. “What’s that? Did we miss something?” Jungkook snorted and Jimin hid his mouth with his hand. Hoseok and Namjoon sat down next to them with a questioning look. 

“We entered the contest for Jungkook to win the scholarship,” Jimin whispered. “We’re together!” he added at loud. He opened his eyes wide as a signal. It was supposed to mean something like “Connect the dots, Hoseok!” And he did. 

Namjoon chuckled. “You guys are cute together.” Jungkook blushed against his will and tried to hide it while eating. They couldn’t tell the details to their friends yet, not with everyone watching them, inspecting their comings and goings. Jimin whispered to Hoseok that he would explain later and they started to talk about random things. “There’s a party on Friday night, at Seokjin’s. You should come.” Jungkook immediately watched Jimin’s reaction but he didn’t see anything. Sometimes, he forgot that they were on good terms, probably because Jungkook had never ended up befriending his exes. Back in high school, he had dated a guy he had met on a dating app. It had been a disaster from head to toe: they didn’t communicate well, he was really jealous, and mean, and made him do illegal things. This recipe hadn’t made a really good cake. Jungkook had broken up with him despite the excruciating pain he had felt doing so: deep down, he must have known it was for the best. Truth was, since this relationship, Jungkook hadn’t really thought about relationships. He had seen a guy for a few weeks but the latter hadn’t felt the spark, whatever excuse he had given. Nothing since then, until now. Jungkook was dating Jimin only for a few hours but he already felt weird, as if he was looking at him through another lens, through another palette of colours. Something was burning inside him, little fires here and there, fires that had been put out for a while and that were coming back to life. 

❊

It had been a whole week since Jungkook and Jimin had decided to pretend to date for Jungkook to win the scholarship of the contest. They had displayed their relationship to the world as if they were participants in a reality TV. Hands wandered on their thighs, shoulders and hips in every place they went to. Their fake relationship was credible because 1) Jimin was a good actor, 2) Jungkook wasn’t faking anything. He had had troubles coming to terms with his feelings but now he was certain: he really liked Jimin. How could he not? Jimin was the sweetest, nicest and most beautiful person on Earth. And he was his best friend. His boyfriend. So when Jimin looked at him with his eyes wide open for Jungkook to put a hand on his hip, he did it gladly. When someone looked and that he had to take Jimin’s hand in his, it wasn’t a duty. When Jimin played with his hair, he definitely liked it. When his skin touched his while they hugged, he didn’t pretend to have goose bumps. When Jimin had caressed Jungkook’s neck with the tip of his fingers and Jungkook had shivered, he hadn’t faked it. Through this whole lie, his feelings were very real. He didn’t know why they manifested now, of all moments, but perhaps the intimacy and the illusion that Jimin was receptive had something to do with it. “Stay still,” Jimin ordered. “Close your eyes.” 

And when Jimin took a seat on Jungkook’s lap to put eyeshadow on his eyelids, Jungkook definitely pretended to be annoyed. “We’re gonna be late, you know.” Jimin didn’t listen and proceeded to put bright red eyeshadow on Jungkook’s eyelids. He then carefully drew a line of brown eyeshadow above his lashes. His left hand was holding the colour palette while his right hand was holding the pencil. It was like he was painting a masterpiece. Jungkook felt Jimin’s gaze on him and suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable. He felt like he could see every emotion he was expressing, could read everything in him like an open book. “Are you done?” he asked, and sighed with relief when Jimin got up. This moment was too intimate to handle. 

“You’re so pretty,” Jimin admitted, looking at his work. He inspected Jungkook’s eyes with attention to spot the tiny imperfection but everything was perfect, like everything he did. Jungkook looked back at him. He wore a black shirt, a Chanel necklace and a black top with a pair of jeans. He smelled like strawberry and his lips were glossy as always. That was all Jungkook could process. 

“Thank you. Let’s go?” Jungkook blushed but didn’t let Jimin see. He grabbed his jacket that he had put on the coat rack when he had arrived at Jimin’s to get ready for the party. The party took place at Seokjin’s, Jimin’s ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t awkward at all since they had stayed friends but it was awkward for Jungkook who had watched his friend cry and cry again because of their relationship; of course he was dubious. But he came anyway, because he couldn’t say this to Jimin. He couldn’t say that he didn’t stand the fact that his ex-boyfriend had hurt him a few years ago, that he still had the image of Jimin’s tears on his cheeks and that it made him want to cry too. He just couldn’t, so he took his jacket and left the apartment with him. 

Seokjin’s apartment was very big, or Jungkook thought so because it had to be to welcome this amount of people. The living room was full of people, students mostly, with a drink in their hand. Jimin spotted Seokjin on his couch, surrounded by a dozen people listening to every word he was saying. “Seokjin!” Jimin shouted. “Hi!”

Seokjin heard Jimin from afar and looked for him through the crowd. He smiled when he found him. “Oh hey Jimin, Jungkook. You came! I’m glad. Have a drink. Make yourself at home.” He proceeded to fill two wandering plastic glasses up with a pink liquid. Jungkook took one to be polite but he promised himself no to drink a sip of it. Anyone could have drunk in that glass. Seokjin came back to his friends and Jungkook and Jimin were left alone in an ocean of people. 

Jungkook felt anxious but Jimin took his hand. “To make them know,” he said when Jungkook questioned him with his look. Indeed, the very first purpose of coming to this party was to display their relationship more. To make them know. Jungkook prevented himself from thinking about it more. And suddenly, the sun rose in the middle of the night and Jungkook noticed Hoseok on the other side of the living room. He silently thanked Hoseok for his salvation. He guided Jimin towards Hoseok’s position with a smile on his face. Namjoon was there too.

Hoseok hugged them tight. Of course, he would. “Your make-up is so cool, Jungkook!”, he cheered. “Did Jimin do it?” Jungkook nodded.

After a while, a few laughs and catching up, Jungkook started to feel anxious again. A lump was growing in his throat; he wasn’t used to that many people piled up at one place. But it wasn’t the worst, because The Worst showed up a few seconds later with a familiar face, and a familiar name. Han Sanghoon. The Ex-Boyfriend. Of all people on the planet, it had to be him. Sanghoon had graduated two years before, so Jungkook hadn’t seen him for a long time but his face hadn’t changed a bit. Jungkook didn’t think he was handsome anymore. In fact, he wanted to be as far of him as possible. But instead, he politely smiled and greeted him. “Oh, hi.”

“It’s been so much time! Aren’t you happy to see me? Oh, your hair is longer than before. I liked it better before, you were cuter.” 

Jungkook wanted to throw up, and it definitely wasn’t the alcohol. Suddenly, he thought about their past relationship and became full of regrets. He didn’t know how he had gone through all of this pain for this guy. He was gross, mean, and not a good person at all. And now he was here, testing Jungkook’s patience. Jimin grabbed his hand to support him. He knew how annoying it was to see him again. “Yeah, I let it grow longer.” Indeed, Jungkook’s wavy hair reached his nose. 

“Can I offer you a drink?” The music was loud, people danced, clumped together and Jungkook definitely didn’t want a drink. Unfortunately, he had put Seokjin’s glass away on a random shelf so he didn’t have an excuse to refuse one anymore. Still, he shook his head. “Come on, it’s a party! You should have a drink!” Jungkook couldn’t tell if he was drunk or if it was his personality. Anyway, he was annoying. Jimin tried to say something but Jungkook cut him off. 

“I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” he said. His excuse was to run away, like he always did. Run away from people, from feelings. He did that a lot, but this time, it was a Life and Death situation because he would’ve probably killed him.

Jungkook had to open a few doors before he found the bathroom. Strangely, it wasn’t locked but when he entered to find shelter, someone was seated in the bathtub, his legs dangling in thin air. His feet didn’t even touch the ground. “Uh, sorry,” Jungkook apologised, thinking he was interrupting something. The stranger was alone, listening to some music with his earphones. When he saw Jungkook, he opened his eyes wide and stopped what he was doing. 

“Sorry. I’ll leave,” he apologised. His voice was deep but soft, like honey. He started to get up but Jungkook stopped him. 

He wasn’t here to do anything but hide, so he felt guilty to steal the stranger’s spot. Instead, he reassured him. “No, no, don’t leave. I’m hiding.” The stranger seemed to sigh of relief and stayed in the bathtub. Jungkook noticed he had really cool sneakers. He also had a grey beanie, a grey sweatshirt and black pants. His shoes were the only colourful thing in his outfit. 

Jungkook wasn’t particularly good with strangers; he was mostly awkward, but this time, it was simple. It was better than out there. “Can I join?”

The stranger nodded with a smile. For a moment, they were both silent, their four legs dangling over the bathtub, except Jungkook’s feet touched the ground. “Who are you hiding from?” he asked. 

“A clingy ex-boyfriend,” Jungkook sighed. “And you? Who are you hiding from?” 

“Everyone,” he snorted. “I don’t really like crowds.” Jungkook couldn’t understand better. Crowds made him anxious too. The music, the movements, everything was stressful. “I’m sure he won’t find you here.” 

“I hope not.” Jungkook remembered whose bathroom they were hiding in. “How well do you know Seokjin?” he asked.

“Well enough for him to make me come,” he said with a lopsided smile. “And you?”

“He’s my—” he hesitated for a second. Strangely, the word didn’t want to come out. It was ridiculous since Jungkook and Jimin were there to tell everyone they were dating but Jungkook suddenly felt guilty, lying to him. It felt like a betrayal of the honest conversation they had had so far. “He’s my best friend’s ex-boyfriend.”

“Ah, okay. Lots of ex-boyfriends, tonight.” 

Jungkook and his new friend chuckled. Jungkook was about to answer when a new, horrible song blasted in the living room. Jungkook frowned. “Uh, what is that? It’s awful.”

“Yeah, Seokjin has terrible tastes.” His new friend hesitated for a few seconds. Words seemed to dance on his tongue but he finally said what he meant to say. “Do you want to share my earphones for a moment?” He seemed to regret it as soon as it came out, but Jungkook didn’t give him enough time to take it back. 

“Please, yes.” 

Jungkook’s new friend took his earphones from his sweater’s pockets and gave Jungkook the right one. He chose a song among all of his playlists and pressed play . Jungkook forgot the world for a second. He forgot about the contest, about his anxiety, about the amount of people behind that door. He forgot about everything. Jungkook felt safe, in his bathtub. The song was sweet, nice. He hadn’t heard it before so the feeling of listening to a good song for the first time didn’t leave his chest. He closed his eyes and let himself drown in an ocean of empty, soothing thoughts. What had started as a terrible party, had become one of the coolest nights of his life. Technically, they hadn’t done much. They had just talked, listened to some music, but it had been enough. 

When the song was over, Jungkook was curious. “What’s the song called?”

“It’s Sailing by Rod Stewart.”

I am sailing

I am sailing

Home again

'Cross the sea

I am sailing

Stormy waters

To be near you

To be free

Jungkook was sailing too, in that bathtub that could almost look like a boat. But after a while and a few songs, Jungkook checked his phone. Two hours had passed, that had felt like 2 minutes. Jimin had texted him.

jimin — 12:34 am

where are you?

jimin — 1:12 am

jungkook? 

are you okay?

jimin — 1:28 am

I AM WORRIED

Jungkook texted back, feeling a little guilty. Forgetting about the world had consequences. “My friends are looking for me. I should go.” He gave the earphone back and got up. His new friend surprisingly got up as well. Perhaps he thought it was time to stop playing hide and seek. “Thank you for allowing me to stay, and for the music.” Jungkook wanted to slap himself for being so dramatic, but he was really thankful. His new friend smiled and headed towards the door they had locked. Jungkook chuckled inside. Two hours had passed without people being able to go to the bathroom. If they were lucky, Seokjin certainly had another one, somewhere else. 

“Nice make-up, by the way,” was the last thing Jungkook’s new friend had said. 

Outside, there were a lot less people than two hours earlier. They were probably twenty in the whole apartment, which was okay compared to the amount of guests before. Jungkook spotted Jimin right away, thanks to his pink hair. When the latter saw him, he almost jumped in his arms. “Oh my god, where have you been?” Jimin whined. “I texted you! Sanghoon has been asleep for a whole hour.”

“Sorry, Jiminie. I was in the bathroom,” Jungkook apologised. 

“The whole time?” 

“Yeah, I was talking with someone.” But when Jungkook turned around to look for his bathroom comrade, he didn’t see anyone. He had vanished, like a ghost. Jimin grabbed his hand and Jungkook knew right away: this time, it was his best friend, not his boyfriend. Hoseok and Namjoon were still there too, but they suggested to leave when Jungkook got back. The latter tried to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was nowhere in sight. 

The night had been rough. In his bed, he kept thinking about the song, and the conversations they had had. He seemed to make a big deal out of something so little but still, his new friend’s face kept invading his mind like a virus. Suddenly, it slapped him in the face. He hadn’t asked for his name. Perhaps, they would never see each other again. Perhaps, it was a one time thing. A fleeting salvation. A shooting star in Jungkook’s universe. 

❊

On Monday, Jungkook went to SNU like he always did. The thought of the party remained in a corner of his mind, but it didn’t matter that much anymore. Jungkook had come to terms with the fact that it had been a break in his life, a brief moment where he didn’t have to think, be at all. Now, it was over and it was okay. At lunch, he waited for Jimin outside his classroom, for everyone to see. It had become a habit. Jungkook had accepted the fact that he had to be seen, observed, analysed. It was scary, but if Jimin was with him, then it was okay. 

“I’m seeing Taehyung, today,” Jimin said, out of the blue as they walked to the cafeteria. 

Taehyung had been Jimin’s friend for a few years: they had met through Hoseok who was an art student with him. They had spent a lot of time together since Hoseok was always with Jungkook and Jimin but Jungkook wasn’t as close to Taehyung as he was close to Jimin. There was something about their relationship that was special, beyond human comprehension and Jungkook was totally fine with that. But sometimes, he felt a bit jealous. It probably had something to do with the fact that he was scared of being abandoned, but he never told Jimin. He wasn’t responsible for Jungkook’s issues. Still, it stung a little when Jimin told him he was going to see him. “What are you guys gonna do?” Jungkook asked. 

“Nothing particular. We’re gonna hang out at his place. I just wanted to let you know! But you’re working, right?” 

Jungkook nodded. “Yeah,” he sighed. “Have fun while I’m working,” he exaggerated. Jungkook wasn’t mad at all, he just wanted to tease him a little. He was still his best friend, after all. 

Jimin chuckled. “Give me a kiss and I’m gone.” 

Jungkook almost tripped on something. It always did something to his heart when Jimin talked like that, shamelessly. He blushed and Jimin definitely saw it. His eyes, which looked like two perfect half-moons looked directly at him. He loved teasing Jungkook. He loved it so much. Jungkook kissed Jimin on his forehead. A kiss on the forehead was something else: it was an act of protection. Jimin smiled and left his fake boyfriend’s side with a loud “I’ll text you!” as a goodbye. As Jungkook watched Jimin pulling away, he checked his phone to see he was almost late at work. He ran to the nearest bus stop and took the first bus to the city centre. During his bus ride, Jungkook could see the beauty of Seoul in the afternoon. In October, the weather was still warm but the leaves were turning brown. Jungkook could almost smell the fragrance of trees losing their thorns from various parks as he was watching all of them passing by. Jungkook loved Seoul; he loved the city. His parents lived in the countryside, in Busan; it was nice but he preferred the sound of the cars on the road at night and the giant buildings. When he arrived in Jung-gu, a lot of people wandered in the streets. However, the record shop in which Jungkook worked was empty. His boss was nowhere in sight so Jungkook assumed he was in the back shop. The record shop was Jungkook’s favorite place in the world. It was small for a record shop, but the atmosphere was so nice; the walls were pastel purple and there were posters of vintage groups everywhere. Some record sleeves were hung on the ceiling and the record storage boxes were full. There were headphones at the service of customers if they wanted to listen to a record. Everything was perfect, even the purple employee jacket Jungkook had to wear. His boss was tyding boxes of records in the back shop when Jungkook showed up. “Ah, you’re here. Awesome. I just got a call from Soonja. Our child just threw up on her friend at school.”

Jungkook made a face. “Fancy.” 

“Tell me about it. Anyway, I won’t close the store since you’re here. You’re gonna be okay? Please say yes,” his boss said with pleading eyes. He took his purple jacket off without waiting for Jungkook’s answer and headed towards the exit. “Oh and, I need you to tidy the back shop a little. We received a few boxes this morning. Thanks!” 

Jungkook sighed. He loved his job; he had found it thanks to Namjoon who was his boss’ nephew. He was looking for somebody to help him at the shop and Jungkook needed a job at all cost, so it was perfect, but tyding boxes for hours was exhausting. Very exhausting. He started to lift the boxes one after the other but the room was way too silent for a record shop, so Jungkook randomly grabbed a vinyl record to put on the record player. As he was about to press play, he remembered the song that the guy had played back to Seokjin’s party. “Argh,” he grumbled. “What was it?” he asked at loud. He browsed the record storage boxes to see if any name rang a bell. A few minutes later, the song popped in his mind like fireworks. “ Sailing ,” he said at loud again. Jungkook liked to speak at loud, it actually helped him a lot. Thankfully, he found the record almost instantly, because he knew where to look for it. The record sleeve was beautiful, just like the song. He put it in the record player and blasted it in the shop. Suddenly, he remembered the party, his nameless bathroom comrade, the conversations they had had that would remain secret. They understood each other, and it killed Jungkook, the thought that he knew for sure they would be friends. But he was gone, maybe forever. How could it find him again? How could he thank him for the song? How frustrating it was to find someone nice and losing him for good. 

He started to tidy the boxes in the back shop with the song on repeat in the back. He could almost feel like the main character of a coming-of-age movie. Maybe he was, in someone else’s universe. He started to dance at the pace of the song. He would have closed his eyes if it wasn’t actually dangerous for his life. He was sailing again. 

But at some point, he drowned. Completely. Utterly. When the door of the record shop opened, when the song reached the last chorus, when all the voices harmonized, when their eyes met and the world stopped for a second. Jungkook recognised him right away. He wore the same colorful sneakers. The same colorful sneakers he thought he would never see again. 

The song stopped for good when Jungkook’s nameless friend approached him with a crooked grin. Jungkook struggled to look away but he did, otherwise he would seem creepy; and the last thing he wanted was to make him leave. His eyes were black; they reminded him of the universe, of the endless space between them and the rest. “ Sailing ,” he started to say. “You have good tastes.” 

Jungkook smiled. He knew he had found a precious something. He just didn’t know what it was yet. For a second, he forgot he had to say something; forgot how conversations worked. “You remember me,” he finally said. 

His friend adjusted his glasses on his nose. “It’s only been two days. Of course, I do.” 

Jungkook wanted to laugh at his own awkwardness. Instead, he said: “I’m Jeon Jungkook.” He didn’t want to waste an opportunity to get his name. 

“I’m Min Yoongi.” Hearing his name took a weight off Jungkook’s shoulders. Now, he could stop calling him “the nameless friend” in his head. “I’m looking for a specific vinyl record. I feel like you could help me,” he said pointing at the purple jacket. Jungkook looked at his own name written on the label sewed on his jacket, a life saver if he had once again forgotten to ask for his name. “Argh, I’m a little ashamed of asking that. It’s the soundtrack of Titanic.” He was looking down and scratching his neck to avoid Jungkook’s look. 

“I must have that somewhere,” Jungkook declared. He frowned and went to the Soundtrack section. He found it almost immediately. “Do you need something else?” he asked while giving Yoongi the record. The scene looked like a modern painting of The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo, but with a record in Adam’s and God’s hands. Jungkook didn’t know how such thought could have entered his mind, but it had. 

“Thank you.” They both headed towards the counter in order for Yoongi to pay but when it was time for him to go, something remained in the air, something hesitant, like the tension of some unsaid words. “Actually, there’s a party for Halloween at Taehyung’s. You know him, right? Anyway, it’s a costume party. If you want a bathroom friend again, you should come. Only if you want to, of course. No pressure.” 

Jungkook was actually delighted. He wanted to see him again, to hang out with him, even though it meant to be surrounded by lots of people again. If it was at Taehyung’s, Jimin would probably want to go. “Uh, yeah, okay! I’ll ask Jimin about it. Since he’s friends with Taehyung. And also my friend.” Lying wasn’t something Jungkook was particularly good at. In fact, he tried very hard not to, and when he did, it was a disaster. He panicked, stuttered. People could say it was weird to be so bad at lying since he had been pretending to be in a relationship for a week, but it was different: it wasn’t an barefaced lie, it was subtil. But was it a lie, to say he was friends with Jimin while he was his boyfriend? Or would it have been a lie if he had said he was in a relationship with him? He didn’t even know if Yoongi knew Jimin. 

Yoongi chuckled. “Okay,” he said, and then left the record shop with the vinyl record under his arm. Jungkook couldn’t believe he had met Yoongi again, after thinking he was lost forever in an ocean of people. Who he thought was a shooting star was actually the birth of a star in Jungkook’s universe, and it didn’t plan to go anywhere. 

❊

Jungkook had thought about the party all week to the extent that he had lost interest in his classes. He forgot to write some details down, he didn’t participate so much anymore, he even botched his homework. Once he had been back home, the day he had seen Yoongi at the record shop, he had called Jimin right away. “Taehyung’s having a party for Halloween, right?” he had asked on the phone. Jungkook could tell Jimin was still at Taehyung’s because he kept laughing and telling him to keep quiet. Deep down, it stung. Again. But he didn’t want to think about it more. 

Jimin pulled the phone away to talk to Taehyung but Jungkook still heard what he said. “Are you having a party on Halloween?” Taehyung agreed and said he had forgotten to tell him. “Jungkook? How do you know about the party?”

“Someone told me. I think I want to go. For our relationship and stuff.” There it was, the barefaced lie, the one Jungkook had been trying to avoid at all cost. But telling Jimin about Yoongi seemed like a betrayal, maybe he wouldn’t like Jungkook to see someone else while they fake dated. It would probably compromise their credibility. On the other hand, Jungkook wasn’t doing anything wrong. He just wanted to see a new friend. Why would he lie about that? There were so many contradictions in his head, it was exhausting. 

“Yeah, okay! That will be fun! I’m still at Tae’s. How was work, today, baby?” Jimin was so sweet. Jungkook felt bad, suddenly.

“You don’t have to call me ‘baby’, you know. Taehyung knows we’re not really dating.” He sounded more bitter than he wanted to express. “I mean,” 

“I always called you ‘baby’,” Jimin cut him off. “Are you okay?” It was true. 

“Yeah! Sorry. Just tired. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye!” And Jungkook hung up. He let himself fall on his bed and sighed. There was something odd about his behavior and his choices, lately. Deep down, he knew he wasn’t like that. It was not him. But what if he was a liar? What if he was a bad person? Jungkook had a feeling this situation would hurt people at some point. Lying was never the right option. Yet, here he was, lying about his relationship to the world, lying to his best friend, lying to his new friend. Lying was like a storm: once you were caught in it, there was almost no exit. And in the end, it would hurt everyone around you. Jimin had probably felt that something was odd about Jungkook’s behavior as well. He was his best friend, after all. He knew and felt everything. 

Jungkook and Jimin didn’t talk about that conversation ever again. Jimin didn’t bring it up when he got back from Taehyung’s, he didn’t ask him what was up. Jungkook was thankful he hadn’t, because he couldn’t have lied again; but what was there to say anyway? In fact, I want to go to the party to see someone, not to display our relationship. What kind of lie was that? Jimin wouldn’t even be mad, but he would ask why had he lied. And thing was, Jungkook didn’t even know. 

When the day of the costume party came, Jungkook faced a problem of the highest matter. He had thought about the party all week without even thinking of the one thing he had to possess. A costume. Jungook didn’t have a costume, but it was a costume party so he had to have one. He called Jimin right away. “I don’t have a costume,” he said after Jimin picked up. 

Jimin had laughed. His laugh would probably cure every disease in the world if Jimin was a god. “Go buy one,” he said. 

“Where? Are costumes shops a thing?” 

“Yeah,” he softly answered. “I’m studying right now but I’ll text you the address. Okay?” 

Jimin texted Jungkook the address almost immediately after the call ended. No wonder why he called him his baby. Jungkook was a baby. He took the bus like he always did to go to the city centre and followed the address on the map of his phone. He ended up in front of a cute costume shop with a pink front window. The shop’s name appeared like a rainbow since each letter was a different colour than one another. The sales assistant was nice when Jungkook entered and he suddenly saw plenty of shelves with plenty of clothes. He would definitely find something here. 

Jungkook had been here for a whole hour when he spotted something, in a corner of a shelf. He didn’t know what he looked for but now that he had found something, it was definitely it. He checked the price and pouted a little. It’s okay. It makes me happy . “Jungkookie!” someone shouted behind his back. And he could already feel the heat of sunshine on his back. He turned around to see Hoseok, by himself. It was odd seeing him without Namjoon, since they were always together, but he was still happy to see him. “Is it for tonight?” he asked, pointing at the costume in Jungkook’s hands with a wide smile. 

“Yeah, I didn’t have any costume. Jimin texted me the address.” 

“I can’t wait to see his matching costume with Taehyung’s, it’s gonna be so funny.” 

Jungkook’s heart missed a beat. His what? Something boiled in his stomach. Was it anger? jealousy? human feelings? Why would Jimin have a matching costume with Taehyung’s since he was the one dating him? Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Jungkook and Jimin had matching costumes? Why would he ask him, instead of Jungkook? Why hadn’t he told him? Thousands of questions crossed his mind at the speed of light. “Yeah, so funny,” Jungkook repeated. He tried to look comfortable with that new information, and failed miserably. But if Hoseok noticed, he didn’t say anything. Hoseok knew it would make Jungkook uncomfortable, to say that he was mad, so he didn’t say anything. Instead, he showed his own purchase. 

“I will be Octacius, the Roman and Namjoon will be Jedediah, the Cowboy in the movie Night At The Museum . We thought it would be funny,” he smiled. Hoseok rose like the sun whenever he was talking about Namjoon. They had been dating for a few years and they were still head over heels in love, never getting tired of each other. 

They went home together, but Hoseok got off the bus before Jungkook. The latter was still thinking about Jimin and Taehyung. Perhaps they had been studying together and Jimin hadn’t told him. But why would it be a problem? Why did it make Jungkook so mad? hurt? He sighed in front of his front door. Too many thoughts. Too much anger, and it was all directed to himself. 

He decided to get ready to go to the costume party. Jimin was supposed to pick him up at 7pm and the clock displayed 6:50 when he put his shoes on. They didn’t really go well with the suit but it would be fine. 

jimin - 7:04 pm

i’m here!

Jungkook didn’t bother answering him. He took a jacket he would probably leave in Jimin’s car and locked his door. Hopefully, his bad thoughts would stay locked in here as well. When he saw Jimin, leaning on a street lamp, his eyes could not leave his body. Jungkook saw a tiny white angel with fake wings and a fake halo above his head which suited him as if he was born with it. He was beautiful. As he approached him, Jungkook noticed his makeup: he was wearing glitters on his face and fake golden eyelashes. If all angels looked like that, Jungkook couldn’t wait to enter Heaven. 

But the reality struck back, and he thought about the matching costumes. If Jimin was an angel, Taehyung would be a demon. 

“I’ve been begging for you to wear that,” Jimin said while opening the door of his car. Jungkook sat on the passenger seat and politely smiled. “I’m so happy you actually suggested this party, it’s gonna be so cool.” 

Jungkook had never been really fond of parties since he was easily overwhelmed with people and anxiety. Sometimes, he actually made the effort for the team, but most of the time he refused to go. Two parties in a row would be exhausting but he was going to see Yoongi, so he was happy. 

He was mad at Jimin for no exact reason. His behavior was childish; he had no apparent reason to be angry, to hold a grudge against him, but still, he didn’t even dare look at him in the eyes. Perhaps it was because he was ashamed of his own anger. Perhaps, he knew it wasn’t legit. Truth was, he was jealous of Taehyung. He was jealous of the amount of attention he was getting from Jimin and most of all, he was scared, scared that he would replace him in Jimin’s heart. But was it something he could tell him? Was it something a friend was supposed to feel for another friend? And most of all, did he have the right to feel this way when his first purpose was to see Yoongi at the party? 

“You’re silent,” Jimin noticed. Jungkook didn’t talk, he was too busy brooding over his intrusive thoughts. “Are you okay, Mr. Parker?” 

Jimin forced a smile out of Jungkook. Getting called Mr. Parker was something he actually liked hearing, since his costume was a Spider-man suit. “Yeah, I’m fine. How was studying?” 

“Fine, I guess. Let’s not talk about uni. I actually have a surprise for you.” 

Jungkook raised his head. Jimin was driving to Taehyung’s house and the last rays of the sun reflected on Jimin’s skin. It was beautiful. Then, he thought about the amount of times he had said Jimin was beautiful. A beautiful pink-haired angel. “What is it?”

“You’ll see.”   

The sun had set by the time they had arrived at Taehyung’s. From outside, his house was big and beautiful. Jungkook could see a few scary carved pumpkins on the stairs, fake spider webs spread on the house and a very scary scarecrow in the garden but he doubted it was part of the decoration. It was not Halloween yet; it was supposed to be three days later but everybody always had things to do on Halloween so Jimin had told Jungkook that Taehyung had preferred to organise a party sooner so everyone would be here. Jungkook used to celebrate Halloween watching horror movies by myself in the dark. Sometimes, he would carve pumpkins with Jimin but this year, they still hadn’t talked about it. There were a few disguised people outside. Jungkook noticed a vampire in a loud discussion with a zombie maid and a phosphorescent skeleton. When they entered the house without knocking on the door, a lot of people were already there, playing games, dancing, talking. The only sources of light were little neons hung on the wall. People could hardly see anything but Jungkook could tell they weren’t all piled up like it had been the case at Seokjin’s, it was way more comfortable. Jungkook immediately looked for Yoongi in the different corners of the room; as little as he knew him, he was definitely not someone who hung out in the centre of rooms at parties. But instead of bumping into Yoongi, Jungkook quickly faced Taehyung with two red horns. He had smokey eyes, black lipstick and a leather harness. Astonishing was the first word Jungkook came up with and suddenly he regretted every feeling he had had regarding Taehyung’s relationship with Jimin, whatever it was. He could definitely not compete. “H-Hi,” he stuttered.

“What do you think?” Jimin asked, when he saw Taehyung. He stood next to him as if there was something to realise. “We’re matching!” 

“Is it the surprise?” Jungkook asked, trying not to show his disappointment. “You guys are great.” 

Jimin and Taehyung kept teasing each other about an inside joke Jungkook knew nothing about and he started to feel left out again. However, he felt like he did that to himself. It was his fault if he wasn’t involved. “Should we dance?” Jungkook suggested out of the blue. Jimin seemed delighted by his request; it wasn’t likely to be asked for a dance by Jungkook. Jimin was lucky. He gently took his hand and headed towards the center of the living room where many people were already dancing. He wanted his attention, he wanted his touch on his skin, he wanted his love. And while dancing with his fake boyfriend, he was happy. He had forgotten about all the little details that made him mad, they were nothing on the dance floor. It was just him and Jimin, their bodies rubbing against each other’s, their hands wandering in each other’s hair, touching each other’s neck. It was intimate, maybe too intimate. Jungkook couldn’t tell if he was dancing with his boyfriend or with his best friend. Either way, he liked it a lot. He didn’t want it to end. But it did, when Hoseok showed up in a Roman costume alongside Namjoon, who was a cowboy. He had told him back in the store that they would dress up this way. It was cute. While Jungkook had stopped dancing to talk with them, Jimin had stayed on the dance floor and had found another partner to dance with. 

And he started to be mad again. His anger was like an old friend he welcomed every time Jimin was with someone else. This time, Jungkook couldn’t take it anymore. He hadn’t drunk but he wished he had, because it was too painful to say, that he was hurt, but it was even more painful to fight Jimin about it. “What are you doing?” he asked. It wasn’t really a question, he didn’t expect him to answer: “I’m dancing.”

“What?” Jimin stopped dancing and frowned at Jungkook. Perhaps he hadn’t heard what Jungkook had said because of the loud music. 

“I thought it was supposed to be a party to show people we’re dating. But you just keep laughing with Taehyung, keep making inside jokes, and now I leave for two seconds and you’re dancing with him.” He already regretted that. “And the matching costumes, what the fuck is that?” Now, he regretted even more.

Jimin nervously laughed. No one besides them seemed to hear what they said but they didn’t even care. Taehyung had found another partner. “The matching costumes were supposed to be a surprise! I thought you would think it was funny!” 

“I am surprised. Why didn’t you ask me instead?” 

“He’s the one who asked me and I said yes. Jungkook, are you really mad about that, right now?” Jimin frowned again; now, he was pissed. 

“Well, I’m supposed to be boyfriend. Am I not?”

Truth was, Jungkook loved Taehyung. He was a good friend, he was funny, caring, and nice to hang out with. He had always been kind to him and he really really liked him. He did not hold any grudge against him. But it was hard, loving someone he was jealous of. He wanted to have his face, to have his special relationship with Jimin that he thought was unique. He wanted to be unique too. And he was mad at himself to feel this way, because he didn’t want to hurt Taehyung or make him feel like he was too much, or unwanted. But he was really, really hurt.

Jimin whispered in Jungkook’s ear. “You’re not my boyfriend, Jungkook. You’re my friend, just like him. And just because we’re fake dating doesn’t mean we have to do everything together. It’s just matching costumes. People won’t question our relationship because of that. This contest goes to your head.” And Jungkook acknowledged it almost immediately: Jimin was like that, a flying bird who didn’t want to commit to one place. He had always been. Jimin liked his freedom more than anything else, and Jimin liked attention, Jimin liked to appeal, to tempt. And Jungkook couldn’t cut his wings off. But still, it hurt, not to be the only one who could have access to this world, not to be the most important thing, not to have a privilege. Jungkook suddenly thought of The Talented Mr. Ripley , a movie he had seen a while ago. “The thing with Dickie.. it's like the sun shines on you, and it's glorious. And then he forgets you and it's very, very cold.” Jimin was like Dickie. When Jungkook was with him, he felt so important, so loved and so special. But once he turned his attention to somebody else, he felt like nothing. But the thing was, Jimin wasn’t the problem at all. Jungkook was, for expecting too much of him, for expecting to be his priority, his everything. His words slapped him in the face. It was all true: Jungkook wasn’t his boyfriend, he was his friend. And Jimin didn’t have to make him his everything. But Jimin missed a piece of the puzzle: it wasn’t just the matching costumes, it wasn’t just the contest. He loved him. 

Jungkook left the dance floor without giving Jimin an answer. What could he have said that wouldn’t have embarrassed himself more? Jimin was right from head to toe. Jungkook wasn’t his boyfriend, and he couldn’t sacrifice his other friendships because of him. At some point, he found a clean glass and poured some alcohol in it. Jungkook wasn’t really fond of alcohol but he had to make things less serious in his mind. He wanted to lessen the pain, just for a few hours. 

He sat on a chair that had been placed randomly in the very big living room and waited for the alcohol to take effect. Arguing with Jimin at a party had been Jungkook’s worst decision. He could have, at least, waited to be at home. How come was he like that, so full of negative feelings? The experience was supposed to be fun, pretending to be someone’s boyfriend. But he knew, deep down, that it wasn’t a good idea. His childhood crush on Jimin had stayed a crush because he knew that it wasn’t supposed to happen. He knew that it would actually be dangerous to feel more; but he had let his guard down, had submitted himself to his feelings and now he was their dog on a lead. 

The song was nice, but too cheerful. Jungkook craved for a melancholic song that would pull some tears off. And then, it happened. He already knew this song by heart. The lyrics were already in his head when The 1975 sang them to Jungkook personally. It was just between him and the band. A headset had been carefully placed on Jungkook’s ears and the atmosphere had changed completely. He closed his eyes. 

When you're in love but you don't know what to do with it

When blackness hangs overhead like a cloud

Don't worry, darlin'

'Cause I'm here with you

Don't worry, darlin'

The sun will shine through

Jungkook was sailing again as the alcohol got to his head. He looked at the chair next to him and someone had just gotten here: a giant pumpkin. But as he watched closer, Jungkook could see his traits more distinctly. Of course, it was him. His skull was stabbed by a fake knife, which was odd for a pumpkin but he didn’t really pay attention to it for more than two seconds. He paid more attention to the fact that he wasn’t in the bathroom. “You’re here,” Jungkook said. He had stopped looking for him when Jimin and him had started to dance, but here he was. “Interesting choice of costume.”

Yoongi smiled, or he seemed to, because Jungkook couldn’t see clearly. Perhaps he wouldn’t hear him well either, since he had the headphones on but Yoongi tried anyway. “Are you okay?” 

Jungkook got scared he would seem miserable, in that chair. He smiled back. He nodded.  Yoongi pointed at a direction and wherever it was, Jungkook thought it would be better than here, so he followed him. They ended up in a large bathroom with a bathtub in one corner. Their personal bubble of intimacy. Jungkook took the headphones off. Don’t Worry had had some power over him: it could make him either sadder or happier, but either way, it just amplified his current feelings. Tonight, he had been sad— so now he was sadder. Yoongi faced him and took the headphones back to put them in his pumpkin belly. His gaze was soft, as always. “What’s wrong? You don’t seem fine.” 

Jungkook sighed. “I just fought with Jimin and it’s my fault,” he admitted. “I feel like I ruined everything.” He kept repeating Jimin’s name like Yoongi knew who he was. 

As always, when Jungkook was in the bathroom with Yoongi, he demonstrated a terrifying honest, sincere part of himself, as if Yoongi had the power to extract the truth from him. “You must have felt a certain way to get to the point of arguing. Maybe you should explain yourself more on why you felt this way.” 

Jungkook was thankful. Maybe he should have a serious conversation with Jimin about what he felt. “I’ll try, thank you.” They looked at each other straight in the eye for a moment. “I really like Don’t Worry , by the way.” 

“I figured you’d like it,” he smiled. 

They stayed in the bathroom for a while before coming back. Jungkook hoped no one would come and find him if he decided to stay here forever. At least, he would stay clean although he would starve to death. They talked for what felt like hours. 

“So you’re working at a record shop,” Yoongi said. “It’s so cool.”

“It’s just a part-time job to pay the rent. I’m a film student, actually.” 

Yoongi opened his eyes wide and pursued his lips. “Really? What do you want to do in the future?” 

Jungkook had had trouble imagining himself in the future, but he knew exactly what he wanted to do after his studies. “I want to be a film director. And you? What do you want to do?” 

Yoongi snorted. “I graduated two years ago. I’m a composer. I write film scores. Maybe when you become a director I’ll write music for you.” 

Jungkook was now the one with his eyes wide open. “That’s so cool! Which movies did you write for?” Suddenly, he saw Yoongi was embarrassed. Jungkook could tell he wasn’t comfortable talking about his work. But it seemed so cool; he had always loved listening to the movie scores. Yoongi took a piece of sheet from his pumpkin belly and wrote a list of movies. There were five and Jungkook hadn’t seen any of them. 

Yoongi had just given him the piece of paper when someone entered the bathroom. It was Hoseok. He seemed angry which wasn’t a good sign at all considering the fact that he never got angry. Never. The comfort that had replaced Jungkook’s sadness for a while struck back. They looked at each other straight in the eye for a moment before Yoongi realised he was maybe too much. He got up and smiled. "It's okay,” he whispered to Jungkook. And he left. 

“You’re friends with Yoongi?” Hoseok asked. How Hoseok knew Yoongi, he had no idea, but it was a matter for later. “Can we talk?” 

Jungkook invited him in the bathtub. Hoseok had taken his Roman helmet off and put it somewhere else. Jungkook sighed. “Are you here to talk about Jimin?” 

“I’m not angry at you, Jungkook, but you should have seen this coming.” Jungkook felt like missing a point. “You’ve had a crush on him forever.” 

Jungkook’s heart felt like breaking in his chest. What he thought had been a secret which only belonged to him was actually known by someone else all along. “What? How-”

“You’re not as discreet as you think you are. But I just wanted to tell you that a fake relationship is never a good idea when you already have a crush on that person. It’s not always like in the movies, people finding out they have a crush on each other after all. Jimin is your best friend, not your boyfriend, and he never did anything wrong. You can’t gatekeep him. I know you’re hurt, and I understand, but instead of lashing out on him you should just talk to him, honestly. He doesn’t understand.”

Jungkook loved Hoseok because he seemed to know everything in the world, all the right solutions to every problem. But it was hard to hear what he had to say, because it was pure honesty. And deep down, he knew he was right. You can’t gatekeep him , he repeated in his head. It was true; he wanted Jimin for himself, he wanted to be the most important thing in his life, he wanted to possess him, to reach him, to feel him. It was pure, ardent, burning passion. 

Jungkook sighed and banged his head against the wall. “Should I talk to him now?” Hoseok pinched his lips and nodded. Jungkook stood up and left the bathroom in search of Jimin. He saw him drinking a glass of rosé with a straw. He was alone. Jungkook thought about what he should tell him. Should he tell him everything? That he loved him so much that he wanted to own him entirely. Or should he lie again? He took place next to him without looking at him. “I’m sorry,” he began to say. He chose to eclipse a part of the truth. “I’ve been jealous of Taehyung, lately, because you guys seem to have such a special relationship, and I felt like you would replace me. It’s not about the contest. I couldn’t care less about that, I just used it as an excuse. I’m just scared to lose you, Jimin.” 

Jimin sighed. “I can’t meet your expectations of me, Jungkook, you know? You have this whole idea in your head that I should be yours, that it should be just the two of us, but it can’t be. I love you so much, you’re my best friend and you’ll always have a special place in my life, that no one will have, but I feel like it’s not enough for you.” And he was right, partly, because Jungkook always wanted more. He wanted to touch him, to feel him, to talk to him, be with him even when he already touched him, felt him, talked to him, was with him. He always seemed so far although he was physically close, like a star. He never had enough of him. He always wanted more. And he had no idea how to get over it. Even though it was true that because of the fake relationship, Jungkook had grown a feeling that he had to be more special, more something for Jimin, that somehow he owed him, it was all just a lie. They were friends. That was it. He couldn’t expect anything more than friendship. 

Jungkook started crying. “I don’t want to lose you.” 

Jimin chuckled and took Jungkook in his arms. “You’re my baby, you’re not losing me.” He rubbed his back like a toddler who was sobbing. “I just wish you would tell me if you felt intense things like that, so that I could reassure you. When something like this happens again, ask me: Jimin, do you still love me? and I’ll take you in my arms and tell you: of course, I do.” And Jungkook cried more, because he loved Jimin so much and he was the nicest person ever. 

After a while, Jungkook spotted a giant pumpkin in the crowd, with headphones on his ears. He wiped his tears away and freed himself from Jimin’s embrace. When Yoongi saw him, he immediately took his headphones off. “Is everything okay?” he asked. 

“I want you to meet someone,” Jungkook said. And Yoongi followed him to where Jimin was. Jimin seemed delighted and Yoongi very shy. “Jimin, this is Yoongi. Yoongi, it’s Jimin.” 

Jimin chuckled. “Jungkook, we already know each other. He’s Seokjin’s best friend.” 

Jungkook frowned at them. He was shocked. He could have met him before. “How come I never saw Yoongi before?” Jungkook asked the both of them. 

“I graduated two years ago, like I told you. And before, I didn’t really talk to anyone but Seokjin. I didn’t even go to parties.” 

“Yoongi and I hung out together a little when I was with Seokjin, that’s why. But how do you two know each other?” 

Jungkook was delighted to see that Yoongi and Jimin knew each other. His two worlds collided and he was totally fine with it. “When I ran away from Sanghoon in the bathroom, Yoongi was there and we talked and we saw each other again at the record shop and he invited me here.” 

Jimin snorted again. It was like there hadn’t been any fight between them. Jungkook was happy. They kept talking together for the rest of the night and Hoseok, Taehyung and Namjoon joined them. Even Seokjin, who had been invited as well, entered the conversation at some point. It was like they had been friends forever; like a found family. Perhaps, it would be over at the end of the party but right now, Jungkook was thankful. He still had ardent feelings, ones that he didn’t really understand, but at least he could communicate, he could speak without fearing rejection. 

❊

The day after, Jungkook had a hangover. He didn’t remember he had drunk so much alcohol but he wasn’t really used to it so he guessed he was more likely to be sick. This party had been full of strong emotions, but it had turned out well. Luckily, nobody had mentioned the fake relationship between him and Jimin so he could still hide it from Yoongi. He didn’t know why it was important for him to not know about it. He figured it would change things between them, even though there wasn’t much to be changed. He just enjoyed things as they were now. As he was thinking of Yoongi, he remembered the list of movies he had worked on. He got up and looked for it in the pockets of his Spider-man suit. Luckily, he hadn’t lost it. He let himself fall on his bed and analysed the list. He hadn’t seen any. He turned the piece of paper around and saw a series of numbers written on the back. Jungkook grinned. This time, he would not lose Yoongi, he would not let the universe decide in his place. 

He decided to watch every movie on the list before texting Yoongi. It would be his reward for taking a genuine interest in his new friend’s work. It was Saturday, and he didn’t have class nor was he supposed to work at the record shop. He could spend his day watching movies. 

It took him one day and a half to watch four movies out of five. They had been all good but the music had definitely something to do with it. The music was awesome; it delivered unspeakable emotions and feelings and Jungkook thought of Yoongi all along. More than eight hours of Yoongi in his mind and he wasn’t even tired. At the end of the fourth movie, the number written in the back of the piece of paper teased him. He wanted to text Yoongi about how he had loved his work in every film. He wanted it so much that  he betrayed his own promise and sent a message.

jungkook — 12:12 pm

hi

it’s jungkook 

jeon jungkook

i loved your movies

i mean your movie scores

the music is awesome

i think it made the movies even better 

i can’t wait to hire you as my personal composer

yoongi — 1:03 pm

i thought you’d lost the list

ahaha thank you

Suddenly, Jungkook had an idea. 

jungkook — 1:05 pm

i haven’t watched the 5th movie

do you want to watch it with me?

Jungkook waited for his answer like a teenager who had asked his crush out. What if he didn’t want him around? What if he didn’t like him that much? What if 

yoongi — 1:10 pm

yeah, okay

come to my place

[address]

Jungkook hadn’t even specified an hour; it could have been tomorrow or two days later, but he was happy if Yoongi wanted to see him today. He grinned and blasted loud music in his apartment to dance on while he was getting ready. It wouldn’t be long before the neighbour would knock on his door to tell him to tone it down but he didn’t care. He was happy. 

As Jungkook was walking in the streets, he passed by various shops which were all decorated for Halloween and suddenly, he had an idea. He entered a convenience store and went out with a bag in his hand. 

Yoongi lived in a flat in front of a very nice park with seesaws and swings. A few kids were playing when Jungkook arrived. Their parents were watching them from afar on benches spread around the facility. On the 30th of October, the weather was not so cool anymore. The leaves were definitely brown and cracked on the floor, the trees were almost naked and there was vapour on his glasses due to the cold. Yoongi lived on the 4th floor so Jungkook took the lift. When the doors of the lift opened, someone was standing in what Jungkook assumed to be his doorway. The pumpkin costume was gone and had been replaced by a long grey tee-shirt, baggy pants and big fluffy socks. His ash blond hair was fluffy as well as if he had just woken up. “Hi,” he greeted with his deep honey voice. 

“Hi,” Jungkook smiled with his teeth. “I got you something.” 

On the doorstep, Jungkok could definitely see he was taller than Yoongi. He looked at him from below and had to raise his head a little bit to look at Jungkook in the eyes. “What is it?” Yoongi asked, curious. And Jungkook took a big pumpkin out of his bag. They both giggled at the sight of it. It was ugly and didn’t look like a perfect movie pumpkin but it was fine. “A pumpkin?” 

“We could carve it for Halloween,” Jungkook suggested. “And once it’s over, you can make pumpkin soup.” 

Yoongi snorted and invited Jungkook and the pumpkin to enter. Jungkook took his shoes off and observed Yoongi’s apartment. The first thing Jungkook noticed about the interior was that it was full of plants. Literally full of plants. There were plants hung on the ceiling, put on the tables, on the ground, on shelves. It looked like a forest. There was a wooden mezzanine with small stairs and up there, Jungkook could see a library, a piano, lots of record storage boxes, a wooden chest of drawers and a bed. And, of course, plants. Under the mezzanine was a couch with pillows, shelves with CDs, personal pictures and plants. The kitchen and the bathroom were nowhere in sight but he assumed they were behind the closed doors next to the front one. He put his shoes in a drawer provided and stood in the middle of the small forest. It smelled like red fruits candles. “Thank you,” Yoongi whispered and took the pumpkin. He opened the first door and a very nice small kitchen appeared. Everything was clean and tidy. He put the pumpkin on the table and smiled at Jungkook who was watching every corner. He was fascinated by this apartment. The rays of sunshine through the clouds enlightened the room which made it even brighter. One of them chose to enlighten Yoongi’s cheek and his skin was so shiny, he looked like a piece of sunshine. Yoongi wasn’t a creature of the Sun; he wasn’t bright and ardent. He was a creature of the Moon; mysterious, soft, but just as beautiful. He looked away when Yoongi watched him back. “Let’s carve it,” he softly said. He took two knives, two soup spoons, a salad bowl and his phone. “It’s hot, here. You should take that off,” he added, pointing at Jungkook’s denim jacket. Jungkook came back with a large orange tee-shirt. They both washed their hands together and pitched in. Yoongi unlocked his phone to look for a tutorial: he had never carved a pumpkin in his life and it showed. 

Jungkook chuckled. “You don’t want to leave your phone on the table, trust me. First, these knives are not gonna do it. They’re too small, we need a bigger one.” Yoongi frowned and picked a sharp knife, which was way bigger (and better). “Second, you need to cut the top, so when we take it off to put a candle inside, we can put it back without it to fall inside.” Yoongi proceeded to cut the top like Jungkook had said. He watched him every time he did something to get his approval. “Awesome. Jungkook removed the top and watched inside the pumpkin. “Look.” 

Yoongi watched inside as well and made a face. “It’s stinky.” They both chuckled. “I’d never seen the guts of a pumpkin, actually.” 

“Really? Okay, now we have to remove every seed and put it in the salad bowl. It’s gonna take a while. Should we put some music on?” 

Yoongi agreed and let his playlists play on shuffle. The first song was What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes.  

25 years and my life is still

Trying to get up that great big hill of hope

For a destination

I realized quickly when I knew I should

That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man

For whatever that means

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed

Just to get it all out what's in my head

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning and I step outside

And I take a deep breath and I get real high

And I scream from the top of my lungs

"What's going on?"

“AND I SAY HEY, EY, EY, HEY, EY, EH,” they both sang loudly at the same time. This song was really uplifting and matched the warm atmosphere which emanated from the kitchen. Once they were done with the seeds, they looked for models of scary pumpkins to carve on their own. They finally found a cool drawing to carve but it was hard and the pumpkin was a mess. It had an eye bigger than the other and the mouth was way too high. But it was beautiful, in its own way because Jungkook and Yoongi had worked a lot to make something. Yoongi grabbed a mini candle from a drawer and put it in the pumpkin. He then closed the shutters while Jungkook lit the candle. Soon, they were in complete darkness except for the pumpkin. It was beautiful and their personal pride. It wasn’t beautiful but it was theirs. 

“So cool,” Yoongi said as his gaze was fixed on the pumpkin. 

But Jungkook’s gaze was fixed on something else, on someone. On Yoongi. The orange light reflected on his skin like a campfire and he could see his eyes sparkling of pride. Yoongi didn’t find his beauty through the light but in complete darkness, in which he could sparkle like a star. 

Suddenly, Jungkook realised the music was turned off and they were completely silent. Yoongi turned around to see Jungkook’s gaze was fixed on him. But the main light of the kitchen was switched on and they both turned their gaze towards the door. “Uh, Yoongi? What are you doing?” the person said. 

“Oh, hi. Jungkook, this is Hyesung. My boyfriend.”

Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. The word resonated in his mind like an echo in the forest. Why was Jungkook hurt? Why was he sad, all of a sudden? 

Hyesung was a tall guy with perfect teeth and perfect dark hair. And right now, he seemed pissed. “Hello,” he said. “I’m Yoongi’s boyfriend.” He had said Boyfriend with a capital B. It probably meant something like: “Try anything and I’ll run you over with a lawnmower.” Instead, he added, “Isn’t pumpkin carving for 10 year old kids?”

“We were having fun, actually,” Yoongi answered. “How was work?” 

Jungkook felt like he had entered a forbidden zone, a radioactive one and that he should go right away. However, he didn’t want to leave Yoongi. They hadn’t even watched the movie yet. Hyesung talked about his day at the medical center, since he was an intern. Fantastic. 

“Yoongi, I should go,” Jungkook said. It had been too much at once. He needed to think and to process his feelings. 

Yoongi pouted. “Are you sure? We haven’t watched the movie, yet.” 

He wasn’t, but he felt like Hyesung was sending him death threats by telepathy, so he nodded. He said goodbye and Yoongi locked the door behind him. How come the best moments of his life ultimately predated unfortunate events? He couldn’t tell, but he was tired. And hurt; and he didn’t know exactly why. They had had such a good moment and now it had come to an end. He had a boyfriend. A Boyfriend. He just kept thinking about it, wondering why it hurt so much. Suddenly, Jungkook felt so lonely. He usually felt lonely, like a constant void in his heart, but right now, he felt alone in the universe, like a spaceship lost in oblivion.

When he got back home, he let himself fall on his bed and stared at the ceiling for a whole hour, thinking about all the signs that could have warned him; but Yoongi never talked about a boyfriend. He had never heard of the name ‘Hyesung’. A few hours later, his phone buzzed in his pocket. 

yoongi — 8:39 pm

jungkook

i’m sorry

i didn’t think he’d be here

i didn’t want to make you uncomfortable 

jungkook — 8:41 pm

there’s nothing to be sorry for

do you guys live together?

yoongi — 8:45 pm

no he has the keys to my apartment 

he comes when he’s done at the hospital

we can still watch the movie when you want to

if that’s okay with you

Jungkook couldn’t help smiling. Of course, it was still okay. It was the only thing he wanted at the moment. 

jungkook — 8:47 pm

of course

when do you want me to come? 

yoongi — 8:50 pm

how about tomorrow? for halloween

Jungkook hadn’t talked to Jimin about Halloween so he didn’t have any plan for the day. For the first time, he would spend it with Yoongi. 

jungkook — 8:51 pm

yes! okay

Jungkook and Yoongi stopped texting and the former spent his evening thinking about the latter. Did he think of him, too? He swiped this thought from his mind; Yoongi was his friend. Nothing more. Nothing less.  

❊

Halloween had always been a holiday Jungkook enjoyed a lot: he loved horror films, scary houses, creepy costumes, and overall he really liked the atmosphere. Jimin and him usually carved Halloween pumpkins together and sometimes, they watched a movie or two. Though, most of the time, Jimin went to Halloween parties by himself and Jungkook stayed at home to watch a scary movie. This time, had had carved a pumpkin with Yoongi and would watch a movie with him, even though it wouldn’t be scary. 

Jungkook decided to text Jimin to make sure he was okay with this, not that he had something to say, but…

jungkook — 9:31 am

jiminie

i’m spending halloween at yoongi’s

is that okay with you? 

jimin — 9:38 am

of course baby

i’m spending it at tae’s 

what are you guys gonna do? 

Jimin spent a lot of time at Taehyung’s and even though he had come to terms with the fact that he couldn’t have Jimin, it still stung. 

jungkook — 9:40 am

watch a movie he worked on!!

Jimin answered him with a few cheerful emojis and the conversation was over. Soon, he would think of something else. He asked Yoongi at what time he wanted him to come and set the date for 8 pm. He said nothing about Hyesung being here, so he probably was going to work, or Jungkook hoped so. 

Jungkook walked in front of the same park as the day before, but it was empty. This time, Yoongi wasn’t waiting for him on the doorstep like he had; he probably thought Jungkook remembered the place. And he was right. He knocked three times on the door and the door opened on a tiny Yoongi all wrapped up in a giant pumpkin costume. Suddenly, Jungkook felt bad for not dressing up. “What’s a pumpkin’s favourite genre?,” he asked. Yoongi was confused but he genuinely looked for an answer in his head. He pouted when he couldn’t find it. “Pulp fiction.” They both chuckled on the doorstep like kids and after a few seconds, Yoongi let Jungkook enter, as if he had earned it. 

“I knew I shouldn’t have dressed up,” Yoongi whined. “It’s ridiculous.” 

Jungkook frowned when he was done putting his shoes in the drawer. “No, I should have dressed up. Sorry.”

The apartment was still full of plants and the atmosphere was really nice. Jungkook could see the pumpkin they had carved the day before lying on a shelf; he was proud Yoongi had kept it. The latter had subdued the light so it would be cosier and invited Jungkook to sit on the couch. A laptop was lying on the table in front of them with the movie they were going to watch on Pause . Yoongi disappeared for a moment and came back with a salad bowl of popcorn.  He had organised everything from head to toe. “Are you gonna be okay in that costume? I mean, is it comfortable?” 

“It keeps me warm,” Yoongi answered as he took place next to Jungkook. He was nervous, sitting that close to Yoongi but it was nice; he felt safe. He could almost smell his hair, which was like maple syrup. 

They watched the whole movie without pausing it once. Jungkook had paid more attention to the music, since Yoongi had composed it. And it was beautiful. When he told himself most of the work had been done here, in this apartment, he couldn’t believe it. All those nice notes, coming from Yoongi’s head, Yoongi’s feelings. It really was impressive. He promised himself that when he becomes a director, he will hire Yoongi for sure. They spent so much time talking about the movie that they hadn’t seen the hours passing by. 

“When does Hyesung come back?” Jungkook asked, scared to see him barging in the apartment like an angry man. 

“He’s not supposed to come, today. He told me he’s working all night,” Yoongi answered with his fingers in the salad bowl although the movie was over. 

Jungkook wanted to know more. “For how long have you been together?” 

“Five years or so,” he said. He didn’t seem very cheerful. 

“And… are you guys okay?” 

“It’s complicated.” As always, Yoongi was terribly honest. “We broke up a few times but we always came back together.”

Jungkook was confused. “Why is that?” It was getting personal and Jungkook didn’t want to lose any crumb of Yoongi’s honesty. He cherished it like a treasure. 

Yoongi sighed. “He knows everything about me, he knows what I’ve been through, and I guess he helped me, at some point, to get my life back on track. I owe him.” 

Jungkook frowned. “I don’t want to judge your relationship or your story, but it seems to me that you’re staying with him out of duty.” 

“He loves me.” 

“But do you love him?” 

“I care about him.” 

“This is not the same as loving.” A sudden and heavy silence hit the room and it was suddenly uncomfortable. Perhaps Jungkook had gone too far. Perhaps he had hurt Yoongi. He didn’t want to look like he was psychoanalysing him, but Yoongi deserved the best, not a shitty relationship. But he didn’t know Hyesung, and couldn’t pretend he did. ”I’m sorry,” he added. 

“It’s okay,” Yoongi reassured. “I just feel like I’m not allowed to go.”

Jungkook couldn’t let Yoongi think that. “You’re allowed to go if you’re not comfortable in your relationship anymore, no matter how much you owe him, no matter how much he helped you in the past. You’re allowed to go if he doesn’t treat you well anymore, you’re allowed to go if he doesn’t make you feel loved. You’re allowed to go if you’re not happy. A relationship based on dept can’t be healthy, see?” 

Yoongi sighed and pinched his lips. Jungkook hoped someone had told him that before. Perhaps Seokjin had tried to reason with him, but it was hard, letting go of a relationship; no matter how much you were hurt, it was hard to give up, it was hard to be alone. Jungkook knew that by heart. “Thank you,” Yoongi said. “I’ll think about it.” Jungkook also knew that by heart. He would think about it and he would, at some point, be more confident, but at the first signs of guilt trip, he would back away, he would give up and he would convince himself that it would get better. He looked at him without Yoongi noticing. He was beautiful. Pretty. Handsome. Cute. And he couldn’t bare the fact that he didn’t get what he deserved: something as cute as he was. “How about you?” Yoongi asked, out of the blue. Jungkook had lost the thread of the conversation for a second but he remembered almost right away. “You’re dating Jimin, right? Seokjin told me.” 

Now, Jungkook was torned between two truths, and he didn’t know which one to pick. Before, he didn’t want Yoongi to know he was fake dating Jimin and he still didn’t want him to. But now, things had changed. He had a boyfriend. Would it change something, to tell him “Yes, we’re dating,” without telling him that it was fake? Why did he want to lie so much while Yoongi had been so honest? Why did he want to appear more desirable to someone who had a boyfriend? “Yeah,” he finally said. He hadn’t lied, but he hadn’t told the truth either. And deep down, he knew it wasn’t a good idea, that every truth was to be uncovered, still he risked it. “We entered the contest for the cutest couple to win a scholarship.” 

Yoongi looked at Jungkook, a popcorn in his mouth. “A scholarship? You’re kidding.” 

“I wish I were.” 

They both chuckled and criticised SNU for a few minutes until they heard someone knocking on the door. Yoongi frowned and got up to unlock the door. Three kids were standing on the doorstep: the taller one was dressed up as Cinderella, the middle one as a pokeball and the only girl as a giant taco. Yoongi smiled and Jungkook snorted behind him. “Trick or treat,” the kids threatened all together. Yoongi disappeared in his kitchen for a few seconds and came back with small packets of candies. He handed them out and the kids bowed in acknowledgment. 

Once the kids were gone, Jungkook looked at Yoongi with doe eyes. “I should go too, it’s getting late.” He put his jacket back on, as well as his sneakers and stood in the doorway waiting for Yoongi to tell him goodbye. All of a sudden, Jungkook’s look changed into a flirty one, without him even noticing. “Can I have a treat, too?” 

Yoongi snorted. “Stop that,” he said as he rolled his eyes. He threw a small packet of candies at him and Jungkook caught it awkwardly. 

They said goodbye and Jungkook came home safely. He had had fun at Yoongi’s, because he had been comfortable, he had felt safe and happy. Yoongi was warm, so warm. 

yoongi — 3:09 am 

came home safely? 

jungkook — 3:11 am

yeah

thank you

i had fun tonight

And he fell asleep, with Yoongi all over his mind and dreams. 

 ❊

On Monday, Jungkook had lunch with Jimin in the cafeteria of SNU. Perhaps he should tell him about Yoongi. He wanted to talk about it, the Boyfriend, and also the fact that he had told Yoongi that Jimin and him were dating for real. 

“You what?” Jimin choked on his food. “You told Yoongi we were actually dating? Why?” He wasn’t angry at all, just surprised, because Yoongi was kind of part of our friend group, and Jungkook had lied to him. It didn’t make sense. 

“He has a boyfriend and I don’t know. I don’t know. I panicked. Seokjin told him we were dating and I didn’t deny.” The more he thought about it, the more it was meaningless to lie. 

“Baby, I have news for you.. you like him. It’s the only reason. You wanted to make him jealous, maybe, become more desirable, I don’t know.” Jungkook liked Yoongi. Jimin’s words had hit him like a truck. What if he liked him? He couldn’t handle another rejection. He stayed silent but it was meaningful and Jimin snorted. “You hadn’t realised?” 

“No. But it’s fucked up. He has a boyfriend. And he actually creeps me out. I bet he thinks I want to steal Yoongi from him.”

“Isn’t that the case?” Jimin smiled again. He smiled all the time. He was beautiful.

“I just want to hang out with him. Maybe if he knows I’m dating someone he won’t say anything.” There was some hidden question in that statement. He was indirectly asking Jimin to pretend to be his boyfriend in front of Yoongi as well. He was asking for his permission to let him say: “Jimin is my boyfriend,” so he could still hang out with Yoongi. 

“You know how this is gonna end, right? He will find out the truth, from you or someone else but he will and there’s a chance he will be mad. No one likes to be lied to. I’ll do it for you, because you’re my baby and because I secretly hope you will find a way to make everything work, and I will be there when everything falls down, but I just want to make sure you know that it’s a mistake.” 

Jimin knew how to be dramatic. It wasn’t a surprise since he was a theatre student, but still. Deep down, not even that deep, he knew Jimin was right. However, so far they had managed to keep their fake relationship a secret. Jungkook thought it would work with Yoongi as well. “I know,” he said. “I’ll tell him the truth at the end of the contest. Thank you, Jiminie. I love you.” He kissed him on the temple and went to work. 

❊

Jungkook and Yoongi hung out a lot together when they didn’t work; they went to furniture stores, drank coffee, watched movies at home, went to the cinema, listened to music together. And every time Yoongi opened his mouth, Jungkook had butterflies in his stomach. It was warm and almost painful sometimes. And still, still, he thought about Jimin from time to time. It was different, but still. 

At some point, Jungkook and Yoongi went to the aquarium. It was dark, and the ceiling looked like a starry sky at night. It was fascinating. The only source of light came from the different aquariums with the very light blue water. They wandered in the corridors next to each other silently, pointing at different species of fishes that they thought were beautiful. They saw sharks, dolphins, even goldfishes, carps, jellyfishes and thousands others. Jungkook loved sea animals. They were all beautiful and cool. When he was younger, his parents had bought him a few goldfishes but they hadn’t lived long. As he grew older, he learned that no fish was supposed to live in tiny aquariums or bowls, because they couldn’t grow up normally; they were supposed to be in lakes or rivers, or very big big aquariums. He hadn’t bought any fish, since then, except for food. 

Yoongi was watching a wide aquarium with a group of fishes all reunited together as one. They seemed like family. Something was odd about Yoongi’s behavior. There was a tension in the air, as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t. “What’s wrong?” Jungkook asked. 

Yoongi hesitated. The rhythm of his breathing was not steady. “I have something to tell you, but I don’t know how you will react to that, and I don’t know if I should tell you.” A lump in Jungkook’s throat appeared suddenly. He was scared of what he was going to hear, and he didn’t know if he wanted to hear it or not. 

But he did. “What is it?” 

Yoongi turned to Jungkook and sighed. “I don’t want to get involved in Jimin’s personal business but I feel like you would like to know, since you’re his boyfriend, so yesterday I saw Jimin and Taehyung together at the mall. They seemed pretty close. I mean, they didn’t do anything, don’t worry, but the vibe was odd. It could be nothing, though. I just wanted to tell you. What do you think?” Jungkook didn’t really know what to feel, if he was honest. He still had feelings for Jimin, they hadn’t left after their conversation at the party, but he had come to terms with them. He knew it would never be more than friendship. Still, he felt weird, scared, jealous a little - because he felt like Taehyung could have access to a part of Jimin Jungkook would never see. But there was something else: would Jimin tell Jungkook if there was something between him and Taehyung?

“Jimin is close to a lot of people and Taehyung is one of his closest friends, so don’t worry. Thank you for telling me, though,” and he made a thankful smile. It was hard, keeping up with that lie, but it was for the best. That’s what Jungkok forced himself to believe. 

Yoongi pinched his lips. Perhaps, he was reassured that his friend wasn’t cheated on. 

The same day, Jimin had a presentation in front of a whole audience. He had worked a lot to make it happen. As a theatre kid, Jimin wasn’t just acting. He was singing as well and his voice was like the sound of a vibrating crystal. Beautiful, pure. Jungkook really liked to hear him sing and tonight, he was going to hear him again. Yoongi and Jungkook arrived after their aquarium “date” and Jungkook had still in mind what Yoongi had told him; but it was forgotten as soon as he saw his best friend in the backstages. 

He approached and kissed him on the cheeks, as everyone around was watching them like cameras. “Hi, baby,” he greeted. Jimin smiled and took him in his arms. 

“You’re here! Awesome! I’m so excited,” he cheerfully said. “Hi, Yoongi!” 

Yoongi greeted him as well and both him and Jungkook left the backstage to find seats in front of the stage. They were so close, he could almost touch the actors. 

The presentation had been a success; Jimin was extraordinary at whatever he did. He had been beautiful, and awesome and Jungkook was proud of him. At the end of the presentation, Jungkook came back to the backstages to congratulate him, to cheer for him, but when he got there, something he saw made him anxious. Taehyung was there, hugging Jimin tightly. Jungkook knew personal gestures as he had studied them while fake dating Jimin, and Jimin’s hands were not supposed to be where they were, Taehyung’s head was not supposed to be where it was. It wasn’t a friendly hug. It was intimate; almost too intimate to look at. He didn’t want to spy on them, or be a creepy guy but his jealousy was so intense, he couldn't look away. He wanted to make sure it was real, that he hadn’t invented anything. On the other hand, Jungkook knew Jimin by heart. He was close to people, he didn’t bother being intimate. But it was Taehyung, and it was special. Jungkook didn’t know what to think, so he left. Yoongi was talking with Seokjin in the audience as everyone congratulated the actors. Jungkook wanted to go home and cry a little: he suddenly felt miserable, replaceable, useless and insignificant. Jimin and Taehyung came to them a few minutes later. Jungkook politely smiled and, of course, congratulated Jimin like he wanted to, and made sure no one saw that he wasn’t okay. It was hard, pretending that everything was fine, but no one noticed. 

And he came back home alone, forgetting about every positive feeling he had ever felt. 

❊

There were days when Jungkook felt broken beyond repair. Completely shattered to the core. There were days when Jungkook only wanted to stay in his bed, in his apartment, even though it wasn’t Home; because it was still his home, his bed, his personal bubble of intimacy. And as much as it wasn’t Home, it was still His. He faced the ceiling, wondering what had happened for him to end up this way: was it the emotional mistreatment he had gotten from his ex-boyfriend? Was it the fear of never being enough? Was it a consequence of the constant self-sacrifice? The endless rejection? Or was it the expired anger sleeping in his chest that never got the chance to come out? He didn’t know, and perhaps he would never know. When days like this happened, he ignored his texts, didn’t take his calls and didn’t go to uni. He just stayed in bed all day, waiting for the moment he would feel like doing something else. His sadness passed. It always passed. But this time, loneliness was too overwhelming to bear. He needed someone to tell him he wasn’t broken beyond repair. He needed someone to look at him without judging his tears. 

The door opened without Jungkook to get up to unlock it. He had let it open for Jimin to come and check on him, like he always did at some point. But it was Yoongi who had wiped his shoes on the carpet and had taken them off. He seemed almost eaten by his down jacket, way too big for him but he took it off as well. He was wearing the same sweatshirt he had worn on the very first day they had met. He swept the tiny apartment with his eyes, only to find a sad Jungkook hidden in his bed. “Jungkook?” The sound of his voice made Jungkook cry again. His name in Yoongi’s mouth was always sweet like honey, soft like the internal part of a bud. “Jimin couldn’t come but he told me that you weren’t feeling well.” 

Jungkook sniffed and Yoongi knew right away. He knew because he had those kinds of days too. Days when he stayed in bed all day, cried, and felt this excruciating pain in his chest. He knew Jungkook couldn’t talk when he was like this; he had told him that before. Talking demanded a certain amount of energy he didn’t have. Instead, he sat on his bed and took something out of his bag. “I bought some soup,” he said. “Can I see your face?” 

Jungkook mumbled something in his pillow Yoongi didn’t understand but he turned around and hid his face in his hands. He was ashamed of his sadness, of his tears, of his swollen face, of his red eyes, of his wet hair, of his face when he was crying. “Don’t look at me,” he managed to say. 

But Yoongi looked at him. Not only did he look at him, but he looked through him, as if he was able to read his pain. Perhaps, he could. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes piercing Jungkook’s skin. “There’s a leak.” 

Jungkook was confused. He looked up to the ceiling to see if there was water anywhere but Jungkook didn’t see anything. Yoongi hadn’t even looked up. “What?” he muttered. 

Yoongi pointed at Jungkook’s cheeks. “Look, there’s water on your cheeks. There must be a leak somewhere. You should fix this, you know?” The shadow of a smile briefly appeared on Jungkook’s face. Suddenly, he thought about how thankful he was to have someone like Yoongi in his life. Someone he had met in a bathroom was now one of his most valuable friends. “Here, drink that soup. I hope it’s still warm.” 

And it hit him. Yoongi was warm. Warm like a soup. People were always warm when they were around him, his presence felt like a constant hug, a constant ray of sunshine in one’s heart. When Jungkook was cold, Yoongi could warm him up either with a few words or with his existence itself. Yoongi was warm like a soup. “Thank you,” he finally said. He didn’t have much energy to develop but hopefully Yoongi knew he meant thank you for the soup, for the sweet words, for coming, and for everything else. 

Later, when Jungkook had gotten some sleep, he woke up to see Yoongi writing something on a piece of paper at the end of his bed. Yoongi noticed him and smiled. “Is it because of yesterday?” he asked. 

Jungkook took a deep breath. “It’s not just that. It’s just that sometimes, I feel broken beyond repair. I feel like I’m doomed, you know?” 

He knew. “Nothing is broken beyond repair. People just throw away the first thing that breaks instead of giving it another chance, instead of giving it time and tools to be fixed. Do you know about Kintsugi?” Jungkook manifested a negative answer and Yoongi straightened up. “It’s a Japanese method of repairing broken pottery with golden lacquer. One day, the shogun Ashikaga Yoshimasa sent a broken tea bowl in China for people to mend it but it came back in Japan with ugly metal staples, so Japanese people tried to find another way, a more beautiful way to fix it. Repairing things with golden lacquer allows the object to remain with the scars of its past, to leave it as it is, with its cracks and imperfections. The damage of an object doesn’t mean that it’s supposed to be thrown away. It leads to a new beginning, a rebirth, and it becomes more valuable over time. This philosophy encourages people to appreciate broken things, to take the time to appreciate them beyond their scars.” Jungkook had watched Yoongi talking the whole time. “Do you get it?” He nodded. “You’re not broken beyond repair. You just need some time to fix your scars, like a puzzle. Your cracks, your imperfections, your past, everything is here (he pointed at Jungkook’s heart) but it doesn’t mean that they’re ugly, that they’re not worthy of love, of care, of time. Jungkook, you’re beautiful, and you’re healing.” 

Jungkook cried again. He didn’t like crying in front of people. Jimin had been the only one who had seen him cry until Yoongi. This story was beautiful, and it comforted Jungkook a little bit. He wanted to believe that he was beautiful with his scars. But it was so hard. “Thank you,” he said again. Today, it seemed to be the only thing he would say. But he wanted to tell Yoongi more: he wanted to tell him what was going on in his head. He lay down again and took a deep breath. “Jimin and I always loved each other a lot, but whenever he wasn't around, I felt very lonely.” Jungkook admitted. “I still do, sometimes even if we’re together.” Yoongi nodded to notify he was listening. 

The thing about loneliness was that you could be in a room full of people and still feel awfully alone. Once in a while, this feeling hit Jungkook like a truck. In his head, loneliness was depicted as a black hole situated in his chest, eating every positive feeling alive. It was greedy, never satisfied, constantly looking for something to eat. Jungkook had always considered his personal black hole as a wound that he had to take care of — but no matter how hard he tried, it never healed. It had to be replaced entirely, destroyed, but not hidden. He had had a few obsessions that managed to take the pain away for some time, but it had never been close to enough and the void always ended up eating this too: when he got bored of things, or when his people left, he was back to square one. His obsession over things and people had acted like a poster stuck on a wall to hide the hole in it. It didn’t disappear overtime. It was constant. “I don’t know how to explain, it’s like I don’t know how to exist without him; I exist through him, through how he feels about me, through what amount of attention he gives me, through what I can bring him. I feel like it’s the only way for me to exist. And when I’m with him, I feel lonely, but when I’m without him I feel lonelier. I feel like nothing.” This time, Jungkook wanted to be honest. He felt a tear on his cheek, but let it be. Crying was okay, after letting go of the pain.  

Yoongi had listened to him the whole time without saying anything. He didn’t have to talk at all for Jungkook to feel heard. He knew what he said wouldn’t leave the air of the room, nor would it leave Yoongi’s mind. But the latter rearranged his glasses, and took a deep breath. “I think you depend on him to give you the recognition you need to feel valuable. You need to feel useful, so you give him things. You tell yourself you’re worth something when you do that, don’t you? But I don’t think this is good for you, because you got used to the idea that if you don’t do anything, you’re a bad person. Loneliness is a side effect of self-sacrifice. Of course, this isn’t enough, to love, to give, to receive, even though the relationship is balanced. You have to learn to think you’re worth more than what you can give to other people in order to fill the hole. That’s what I think. It has to come from here,” Yoongi said, pointing at Jungkook’s heart again, as he lay down next to him. “People can’t replace that, no matter how much you give them, no matter how much they give you, because when they leave, what is left? Nothing, again.” 

Jungkook sighed, closed his eyes and let his bed swallow him whole. He whispered. “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Jungkook could hear Yoongi’s heartbeat, he could hear him breathe next to him, and this sound only made him feel at Home. He thought about what he said and deep down, he knew he was right. This chapter of the Bible had always resonated in him a lot, even though he didn’t really know about God and religion in general. He always felt like love would be the answer, the solution to loneliness. But thanks to Yoongi, Jungkook had learned that in order to fill the void, he had to be enough for himself. He had to fill the missing pieces with parts of his own universe. He had to love himself more, be enough for himself, be satisfied with who he was, with his flaws, traumas, past, memories. He had to be kinder to himself, more indulgent, understanding, accepting of his mistakes. Only then, the black hole would disappear completely. He had figured that self-love was the answer, because giving or receiving love wasn’t enough to make the darkness go. It had to come from inside. 

But a question remained in his mind. Could he love two people at the same time?

❊

Yoongi had spent the day at Jungkook and had left late in the night. They had watched movies together without talking a lot. There had been a lot of talking and they both were tired. Jungkook was sure: he loved Yoongi. 

The next day, Jungkook was better. He could get up, go to SNU and go to work. Talking was beneficial. It genuinely helped. In the morning, Jimin had texted him. 

jimin — 7:42 am

baby

i’m sorry i couldn’t come yesterday i was in rehearsal

did yoongi come?

do you feel better?

i’m so sorry

i love you

Jungkook wasn’t mad at all at Jimin. It was true that he wished he came, because Jimin was the only one who could convince him that he still loved him, but talking with Yoongi had been very comforting and he was able to talk to him about Jimin. He was still bitter and dubious about his relationship with Taehyung but it was not something he could have power on. If there was something, he couldn’t do anything about it and the best thing he could would be to be happy for his friends. 

jungkook — 7:45 am

jiminie

i feel better

thank you for telling yoongi

we talked a lot

i’m not mad 

i love you 

jimin — 7:47 am

okay<3 

since you feel better i talked to our friends about a party i’m hosting tonight

i know it’s a bit late to tell you and you don’t have to come if you don’t feel like going

it’s gonna be just the 7 of us, if yoongi and seokjin come 

yeah i figured seokjin would like to come too 

we could play board games and eat things

Jungkook wasn’t totally ready to see a lot of people at the same time, but he knew he would feel lonelier if he didn’t go. He didn’t want to feel lonely, or rejected. 

jungkook — 7:52 am

i’ll be there

can i bring anything?

jimin — 7:53 am

just you baby 

love you see you tonight

Jungkook felt out of breath as if he had run a marathon. Being sad was exhausting, even though he felt better. He had spent his day working, either at SNU or at the record shop. It had been calm and his boss had been nice, like he always was. Yoongi had texted him a little to check on him and Jungkook had taken advantage of the opportunity to tell him about Jimin’s party. Thankfully, he would come. 

Jungkook bought some snacks after work to bring along at the party. Even though Jimin had told him not to bring anything, he couldn’t come empty handed, so he bought their favourite food. As he was about to knock on Jimin’s door, a hand came from behind and knocked at his place. It was Seokjin’s, and next to him was Yoongi. This time, he didn’t have his pumpkin costume on. They greeted each other and secretly smiled. Jungkook was happy to see him. 

Jimin opened the door and jumped in Jungkook’s arms like he always did, but he kissed him on the cheek to play his part as the ideal fake boyfriend. Jimin’s joy could mend Jungkook’s heart, his joy seemed to be Jungkook’s golden lacquer. “Hello, everyone! Please enter my humble dwelling.” Taehyung was already here, setting the table, as well as Hoseok and Namjoon who were in the kitchen. Jimin had never been really good at cooking even though he tried. It was probably a much better idea to let Hoseok and Namjoon cook at this place. It smelled like rice, cooked vegetables and tteokbokki. A smell like home. He greeted everyone and went to see Hoseok and Namjoon by the hotplates. “Jimin hired you to cook for us?” Jungkook joked. The sight of them really healed him. 

Hoseok smiled. “He wanted to cook but we said it was better if we did it. You owe us, we’re saving you.” They chuckled and talked about random things. Jungkook told them about Yoongi and how they had seen each other a lot lately. 

“By the way, how do you know him?” Jungkook asked Hoseok. He remembered their conversation back at Taehyung’s party. 

“We used to work at Summer Camp together when we were younger but he quitted six years ago. We stayed friends, though. It’s funny that you became friends too.” It was, indeed, funny. It was like the universe had fought to bring them together.  And he was thankful. 

After a while, the food was ready and everyone sat around the table. The atmosphere was so nice, just like when they had all talked together at Taehyung’s party. There was something cosmic about being all gathered here. It was obvious that they had found each other, even though they weren’t that close to each other, even though there were some things to find out about each other. 

They spent the night playing board games and video games: thanks to Jimin’s Onlyfans, he had been able to purchase a flat-screen TV. They had played Just Dance for hours before everyone was asleep on their feet. Jungkook slumped on Jimin's couch before noticing he was gone. He got up and walked to Jimin’s bedroom: he knew this apartment like his own, he had thrown up here, slept here, cried here, laughed here. He didn’t even bother knocking on doors. But he should have. 

Because when he opened the door to Jimin’s bedroom, his hands were laying on each side of Taehyung’s head, his lips partly open on the latter’s. Taehyung’s hands were embracing Jimin’s waist, as if he was scared to let him go. But he did, when Jungkook saw them. Jimin was shocked and embarrassed while Taehyung held a nervous laugh back. The atmosphere had completely changed, it was now electric. Jungkook didn’t feel anything; he wasn’t sad nor happy, he was just confused. Deep down, he knew that something like this would happen. He wasn’t even surprised, just embarrassed to have walked in on them and broken their bubble of privacy and intimacy. He couldn’t stop thinking about Taehyun’s hands on Jimin’s waist. A question remained in the air: Jimin, who had lectured him about sincerity, had hidden something so important. Why? 

“I’ll explain to him. Can you leave us?” Jimin nicely asked Taehyung. The latter left the room without looking at Jungkook. Perhaps he was scared that he would be mad at him, but it wasn’t the case at all. “Jungkook, I-” 

“I’m not mad,” he cut him off. “I’m just confused, actually. You had so many opportunities to tell me and you never did,” Jungkook bit his lip. He didn’t know what to do with himself. “I’m sorry I walked in on you. I’ll knock, next time.” 

Jimin chuckled out of nervosity. “I was just scared to hurt you, to be honest. After what happened at Tae’s party, I didn’t want to make you feel like I love you less. I wanted to tell you, really. I have so many things to talk to you about, but yeah... I was scared. Are you sure you’re not mad?” 

He understood. The tantrum he had thrown back at Taehyun’s party was a red flag. “No, I’m not. I was prepared. You’re not as discreet as you think you are. Yoongi saw you guys at the mall, actually. He was worried about me! He thought I was cheated on. And I saw you too, by the way. In the backstages.”

“Fuck,” he swore. “I’m sorry. I hope no one else saw us.” 

“You were so cheeky for lecturing me about honesty and all because I was lying to Yoongi but you were lying to my face the whole time. How bold of you,” Jungkook said with a crooked smile. They both sat on Jimin’s bed. 

“It’s different! Anyway, it’s been one week since we’ve been together. No one else knows and no one else will know until the contest is over. I promise. I’m actually relieved that you know. It’s exhausting hiding things from you. But.. I really hope you’re okay. I hope it doesn’t hurt you too much, considering how you feel.” 

Jungkook was confused. “What do you mean?” 

Jimin pinched his lips. “I wanted you to mention it first because I didn’t want to force words out of your mouth, but I know how you feel about me. I see the way you look at me, and the way you act with me. That’s why I told you that back at Tae’s party. I was hoping it would get things straight. It doesn’t change anything, you know? It doesn’t change the love I feel for you. It’s just a different kind of love. And I love you deeply. You’re my best friend, nothing will ever change that. And I understand that you may have thought that you were not enough, or that you were going to be replaced, I really do. But it’s just… not the same thing at all. You have your own spot in my tiny universe, and you’ll never leave it. And you shouldn’t be ashamed of those feelings either. It’s okay to love. It won’t change our relationship, unless you want it to change. But considering the fact that Yoongi is in the picture, I’m not worried about you. I know things will turn out well between you two, and that’s also the reason why I’m telling you that now. So are you? Okay?” 

In fact, he was okay. Having the confirmation, in front of his eyes, that Jimin would never be his, was the golden lacquer he needed. There was no hope left. Now, he could move on. He would always feel something for Jimin, because their relationship had always been special. But it would never be romantic, and Jungkook had come to terms with that. Jungkook didn’t say anything but he took Jimin in his arms. This hug meant: “Thank you for always being here. Thank you for being the bestest friend ever.” 

Jungkook whispered in Jimin’s ear. “I’m okay.” 

At some point, Jungkook and Jimin left the room to come back with everyone in the living room. They were all dead tired and drinking, gathered around Jimin’s couch. Hoseok was half asleep on Namjoon’s shoulder and Yoongi had his nose stuffed in his glass. Jimin subtly nodded at Taehyung to tell him that everything was fine and they all sat on the ground. They talked for hours, until they couldn’t take it anymore. They were all tired. 

When it was time to go, Jungkook and Yoongi left at the same time. Jimin kissed Jungkook’s cheek and thanked him for coming. Yoongi bowed to him and Jimin bowed back. In the lift, they smiled at each other without saying anything. Somehow, it was weird to see each other with everyone else. They were more comfortable in their own intimate bubble. 

When it was time for them to split, Jungkook smiled at Yoongi. “Text me when you get home.” Yoongi said he would and took the bus to his place. Jungkook watched him leave from afar. He took a deep breath of fresh air and took his own bus. 

When he got back, Jungkook thought a lot and decided to text Taehyung. 

jungkook — 1:41 am

hey

we never really got to talk about it but

i’m sorry you had to put up with my shitty behavior

regarding jiminie etc 

i’m really happy for you guys

it’s just that i think you’re so cool and you deserve so much

and i was jealous because of your relationship

i knew i couldn’t be you and it frustrated me

but really now i’m fine and i wish you guys the best

i really really like you 

i hope we will be fine

taehyung — 1:47 am

jungkookie

everything is fine don’t worry

i understand it’s hard when you love someone so much

to just let them go

i like you too

don’t worry<3

Jungkook fell asleep like a baby.

❊

In the middle of the night, something knocked on Jungkook’s door. It was weak but it was enough for Jungkook to get up and check on what it was. He was hardly awake so he took some time before realising Yoongi was standing on his doorstep with wet cheeks and swollen eyes. It was the first time he saw him crying and his heart broke immediately. He took Yoongi’s hand and pulled him into a hug, just like that. Jungkook had heard before what he was supposed to do when Yoongi was sad, he knew where to touch him, where to take him. And Yoongi fell in Jungkook’s arms like he lived there, because it was just what he needed. Physical touches. And he cried. It was loud, and Jungkook could feel his lungs struggling against his chest. He wasn’t just sad: he was desperate. Jungkook didn’t care that his tee-shirt was wet with Yoongi’s tears, he ran his fingers in his hair to calm him down. His apartment was small and the bed was in the main room, so Jungkook guided Yoongi to his bed and made him lie down. He didn’t expect him to talk, or to tell him what had happened, but he had an idea. Hyesung was not a nice person at all, and he had angry issues that he couldn’t control. They had probably fought. He swaddled Yoongi under his blankets like a cold baby and looked for his headphones in his backpack. Yoongi liked music; it was comforting. He put his headphones on his ears and played a random playlist. Yoongi fell asleep during Flares by The Script. 

But did you see the flares in the sky?

Were you blinded by the light?

Did you feel the smoke in your eyes?

Did you, did you?

Did you see the sparks filled with hope?

You are not alone

'Cause someone's out there, sending out flares

Jungkook had watched Yoongi for the whole night. He was scared he would wake up crying again, so he had stayed awake. When he woke up, he didn’t even dare to look Jungkook in the eyes. There was something about crying that generated shame, but it wasn’t supposed to be like that. There wasn’t any shame showing that it wasn’t okay; everyone went through the same things such as sadness, anger, despair. It was okay to feel this way. Jungkook made sure to remember. Yoongi took the headphones off and handed them to Jungkook. “I’m sorry,” he began to say. “I didn’t know where to go.” 

Jungkook pinched his lips. “First, no more apologies if they’re not necessary. Second, you’re welcome any time. My home is your home.” 

Yoongi hid his face in the sheets. “He broke my piano,” he muttered. 

Jungkook opened his mouth and closed it again. Yoongi’s piano was his work tool but more than that, it was an extension of his arms. His piano was his everything. And now, Hyesung had broken it. Jungkook couldn’t contain the anger he felt inside of it. It was burning like a fire. “How?” was the only thing he managed to say. 

“He pushed it over and let it fall on the ground,” he explained. “When I got back home, everything was broken. He wrecked everything. There’s dust and soil everywhere.” Yoongi was still sobbing. His safe place had been devastated, of course he cried.  Jungkook tried to make room in his bed so he could lie down next to Yoongi. They ended up face to face. “You didn’t sleep,” he added. 

“I was scared you’d wake up crying.” He wiped Yoongi’s tears on his cheeks with the tip of his fingers and checked on the ceiling. “You’re right, I should definitely fix that leak.” He got a smile out of Yoongi, which became his personal pride. 

“Can I stay here, today?”

“Of course.”

Jungkook didn’t have any class today, but he definitely had to work at the record shop all day and Yoongi knew it; he wouldn’t ask him to stay. He left clean clothes for Yoongi to wear, as well as a towel and a toothbrush if he wanted to wash. He had told him there was food in the refrigerator, and  had left for work. He wasn’t really comfortable, leaving Yoongi alone after that incident, but he had no other choice. He could have called Seokjin, but he wasn’t sure if Yoongi wanted to see him. 

Jungkook thought about Yoongi all day. He texted him from time to time to check on him and Yoongi always replied with a thumbs up emoji. It was all Jungkook needed, if he was honest. His boss had let him finish a little sooner than expected so he took the bus to Yoongi’s place. He had stolen his keys before leaving; he wanted to clean his place a little. He couldn’t leave it as it was. Luckily, Hyesung wasn’t there anymore, but he hadn’t cleaned on his path. Jungkook could still see the wrecked piano on the ground and the different piano keys scattered all around the room. There was, like Yoongi had said, dust and soil everywhere, as well as broken jars and dead plants. He had ruined this beautiful place. 

jungkook — 4:23 pm

there’s a lot of work

i’m not gonna be here soon

but wait for me 

okay? 

yoongi — 4:40 pm

👍

Jungkook had lied, but it was supposed to be a surprise. He was going to clean his apartment from head to toe. 

He gathered plenty of trash bags and filled them with dust, soil and broken jars. As for the broken piano, he put the different fragments in a box that he put away for Yoongi to decide what to do with it. He vacuumed everywhere, even in places that hadn’t been wrecked. When he was done, three hours had passed and the apartment seemed emptier than before. Indeed, lots of plants were missing and of course, the piano on the mezzanine was gone. He knew Yoongi would be sad to see the space where his work tool was supposed to be, but Jungkook couldn’t buy him a new piano. His wage barely paid the rent. 

Suddenly, he had an idea. It would probably take him another hour but he would do it. He left the apartment and came back, a few minutes later, with a bag from a convenience store. He took the box back and spread the fragments of the broken piano on the ground. “Okay,” he said at loud. It wasn’t golden lacquer but golden superglue and it would probably be ugly at the end, and most of all, it wouldn’t work but he wanted to do this. Kintsugi.

He spent two hours supergluing the broken pieces of the deceased piano and, as expected, it wasn’t as beautiful as it had been in his mind, but he was done and it actually looked like a piano. Sure, it was useless and the piano keys were not even at the right places, but, overall, it was okay. Jungkook pushed the “piano” in a corner and watched it from afar. He was proud of his work. In his bag, there was also a plant he had forgotten about. It was crazy how convenience stores were so eclectic. He took the plant and grabbed a pen from a drawer. He wrote JUNGKOOK on the jar and put it on a shelf for every guest to see. It couldn’t replace every plant that had died by Hyesung’s hand, but he could replace at least one. The specificity of this one was that it was fake, so it would never die.  

jungkook — 6:26 pm

okay i’m done

sorry

i’m bringing food

yoongi — 6:30 pm

👍

Jungkook bought food on his way home. During his bus ride, he called Jimin to explain Yoongi’s situation. He wouldn’t have if he didn’t have to but he had something to ask him. It was expensive to change one’s lock, but he couldn’t let Yoongi live in fear anymore, and he didn’t have enough money to take care of it himself. Of course, Jimin had accepted right away. He hadn’t even waited for Jungkook to promise him he would pay him back. 

When he arrived at his apartment, Yoongi was still in bed. He had washed and put on his clothes but he was still hidden under the blankets, with Jungkook’s headphones on his ears. “I’m back,” Jungkook had popped up in Yoongi’s perimeter like an unwanted advertisement. 

Yoongi took the headphones off and sat in Jungkook’s bed. His face was still swollen, but the tears had dried. He smiled a little. “You must be exhausted.” Jungkook hadn’t thought about it but he was, indeed, exhausted. He hadn’t slept and he had cleaned Yoongi’s apartment for the rest of the afternoon. He just wanted to eat, wash, and sleep. He unpacked the food and set the table on his bed. 

“Yeah, it was busy,” he lied. “How are you?” In response, Yoongi pinched his lips. Jungkook wanted to show him his apartment, but it was too soon. He would come back home when he would be ready, not before. 

“I should let go,” he finally said. “But it’s hard, being alone again.” 

Jungkook frowned. “You’re not alone. You have us.” Yoongi nodded. Jungkook knew it wasn’t what he meant, but he wanted to make sure he knew. He would never walk alone anymore. 

“I’m coming home tonight. I can’t leave my apartment like that,” Yoongi declared. Jungkook didn’t say anything. They finished eating and Yoongi gathered his clothes. 

On the doorstep, Jungkook made sure Yoongi was going to be okay by himself. “Are you sure? Do you want me to come with you in case Hyesung comes back?”  

Yoongi shook his head. “I need to be alone for a while. I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Thank you. For everything.” 

And Jungkook closed the door. At 12am, he had received a text from Yoongi. 

yoongi — 12:01 am

jungkook

thank you

so much

Yoongi would never tell Jungkook, but he had cried a lot that night, seeing the Kintsugi piano, the clean apartment and the fake plant on his shelf. In fact, he had cried all night. He had cried because he was thankful, because he was heard, because he was cared for. Because he loved Jungkook so much. 

Jungkook smiled in his bed. It was all he needed. 

❊

The days had passed, and Yoongi had broken with Hyesung for good. Jimin had helped Jungkook to pay the change of Yoongi’s lock and hopefully, he would never see him again. Yoongi had been sad for a few days, and it had been hard, adapting to loneliness, but he was not alone. Jungkook had checked on him everyday. The Kintsugi piano was still in a corner of the apartment and wouldn’t move. It reminded them that nothing was broken to the core. 

Jungkook and Yoongi were lay down on Yoongi’s bed, their eyes fixed upon the ceiling. There wasn’t any background music, just the sound of the rain against the windows and the raging thunder. Jungkook felt safe at Yoongi’s place. “Do you think you can love several people at the same time?” he asked, out of the blue without taking his eyes off the ceiling. He thought about Jimin. Even though he knew it was lost for good, he still loved him a little. 

Yoongi took his time to answer. “I don’t think there's a limited amount of people you can love. There are as many types of love as there are people.” 

“But loving and being in love are two different things.” Jungkook watched Yoongi out of the corner of his eye.

“How come you could love several people but be in love with only one? I mean, what’s different? It’s just that our society brainwashed us into thinking there's only one true love, someone to save from their misery of being alone, someone to be with for the rest of our life. But it’s not necessarily true. People can have a bunch of true loves, doesn’t make them less true.”

Jungkook smirked. Perhaps he could love several people at the same time, perhaps there was nothing wrong, nothing weird about it. He had never wondered if it was possible but with both Yoongi and Jimin in his life, he had to wonder. But Yoongi was right, there were as many kinds of love as there were people. On one hand, what Jungkook had felt for Jimin had been strong and powerful, almost too intense to be contained in one body, like a fire. It had been like a thousand shooting stars falling in the nighttime, the death of a star and the birth of a new one. On the other hand, what he felt for Yoongi was soft like cotton, calm like a lake, it was like waking up to see the sun rising in the sky, walking through a field of poppies after the rain, warm like a soup in the middle of winter. What Jungkook felt for the both of them was very different, because they were two different people. And it was okay. He had been through so much pain, wondering why he was feeling this way, thinking he was the problem, that he couldn’t choose. But Love had many shapes, forms and types. Love was unique and mostly, Love wasn’t necessarily made for only two people to share. 

Jungkook caressed Yoongi’s vinyl records with the tip of his fingers until he reached the Titanic soundtrack, the one he had sold him. He took it carefully and put it in the record player. It was true that James Horner was amazing. They listened to it for hours. Jungkook almost felt like Rose, on that boat. Reckless and head over heels in love. “My favourite is The Portrait ,” Jungkook said. “It looks like us.” 

Yoongi snorted. “It’s the scene during which he’s drawing her.”

Jungkook blushed. Sometimes, he forgot that he was in a relationship with Jimin, that he had to pretend. He hated it. The contest was almost over and the truth would be unraveled. Then, he could tell him how he feels. “Mine is Hymn to the Sea ,” Yoongi admitted. 

❊

Jimin and Jungkook were perfect at pretending. Their approval rating had increased a lot since the start of the contest and everyone rooted for them, although they both loved other people. The final day of the contest was approaching and people had already started to vote. Of course, Jimin, Jungkook, Hoseok and Namjoon had voted for them, but it had also been the case for many many students. They hadn’t even needed to kiss on the lips to make it credible, it was ridiculous. Jimin and Taehyung had been dating secretly for a few weeks. They only saw each other at their place and acted like friends whenever they were out together. Jungkook was thankful that Jimin was willing to sacrifice his own happiness in order for him to win a scholarship. 

On the last day of the contest, a “dance” had been organised by the Students’ Office. There would be a ceremony, crowns, costumes (and not Halloween ones), shitty music and cheap alcohol. American stuff, for all they knew. Jungkook had bought a brand new costume, and Jimin had dyed his hair blonde. It was going to be a new start. After the contest, Jungkook would tell Yoongi the truth, and he would stop pretending to be dating Jimin. The latter would be able to freely date Taehyung and everyone would be happy. He was nervous about Yoongi’s reaction; no one liked being lied to. He could have told him sooner, he had had plenty of occasions to tell him and it wouldn’t have changed anything, but some part of him was scared: at least, as long as he pretended to be dating Jimin, he wouldn’t be rejected by Yoongi. At least, he had an excuse. 

“How do you feel?,” Jimin asked, on Jungkook’s lap. “Are you nervous?” He put some eyeshadow on Jungkook’s eyelids. “I am. But I’m also happy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like dating you, but I’d rather date my boyfriend.” He chuckled and almost screwed up his work. 

Jungkook snorted. “I’m more nervous about Yoongi than the contest. I’m scared to tell him.”

“I still don’t get it, you know? You could have told him when he broke up with his ex-boyfriend.”

Jungkook didn’t feel the tension he used to feel when Jimin put makeup on his eyes. There was still a little fire, somewhere, but the bonfire had been put out. “It was my excuse for not having to be rejected, I guess. The more I pretended to date you, the less I was likely to be rejected by him.”

Jimin sighed. After a while, they got ready together. They put their costume on and mentally prepared themselves for the dance. It was going to be ridiculous, but they had to go through this. Hopefully, they hadn’t done all of this for nothing and Jungkook would actually get the scholarship. 

When they got there, the sports hall that was supposed to welcome the basketball championships was entirely decorated with banners, balloons and plastic stars. The place really looked like an American dance, except it was in college, and people didn’t really care that much. Jungkook and Jimin saw Hoseok, Namjoon and Seokjin from afar. Yoongi wasn’t there. “Where is he?” Jungkook asked Seokjin. The latter shrugged his shoulders. 

Jungkook had waited for Yoongi to come all night; he had texted him without getting any answer and he was starting to worry. The day before, Yoongi had told Jungkook he would come but he hadn’t heard from him since. The latter spent his night trying to pretend to be happy but all he could think about was Yoongi. Perhaps he had gotten into an accident? Perhaps Hyesung had tried a way to come back? Perhaps Yoongi was having a bad day? 

In the middle of his thoughts, he saw him, radiant, like the full moon in the middle of the night. His whole world stopped and his mind was quiet. He decided to abandon his friends and came to him with a smile on his face. “What took you so long? 

“Sorry,” he started to say. “I didn’t know what to wear. I almost came with the pumpkin costume on.” They both chuckled and joined their group of friends. At some point, they played a ballad which led people to pick a partner for a slow dance. Jungkook, of course, picked Jimin. They were still pretending and he couldn’t have picked Yoongi without drawing attention to them. But his mind was focused on Yoongi the whole time. The latter had been forced into a dance by Hoseok, but somehow he just kept looking at him from across the room - and he knew because Jungkook kept looking at him too. The song was sad, if one paid attention to the lyrics. It was Kina Grannis’ version of Can’t Help Falling In Love. There was something personal about it and Jungkook could picture every moment he had had with Yoongi so far. He just wanted to take his hand. 

Wise men say

Only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin?

If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows

Surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be

So take my hand

Take my whole life, too

For I can't help falling in love with you

For I can't help falling in love with you

At the end of the slow dance, the music tone down and someone coughed in the microphone that had been placed on the stage. Jungkook recognized the woman he had talked to the day he had filled in the form to enter the contest. “Welcome everyone! As you already know, we are gathered here to crown two lovebirds who successfully drew people’s attention to their couple. People watched them, analysed them for weeks, until they got to vote for the cutest couple in SNU. And tonight, we will deliver the results. Tonight, we will know who gets to benefit from SNU’s generosity and get the scholarship we worked hard to be able to give,” Jungkook and Jimin smiled at each other and rolled their eyes. The student took an envelope from a small table and took a deep breath. “First, I would like to thank everyone who participated, it means a lot to us as the members of the Students’ Office.” She opened the envelope and bit her lip. 

Jungkook and Jimin were holding hands, nervous. What if they didn’t win? What if they had done all of this for nothing? “I’m gonna pee myself,” Jungkook whispered in his fake boyfriend’s ear. Jimin chuckled and squeezed his hand harder. 

“Jeon Jungkook, Park Jimin, congratulations!” the student cheered in the microphone. Everyone screamed out of joy and chanted their name like in a Teen Movie. Jungkook froze in the middle of the audience while Jimin was jumping in everyone’s arms. 

Jimin took Jungkook’s head in his hands and whispered, “Should we kiss?” 

“I don’t know, maybe,” Jungkook panicked. And Jimin kissed him the lips; just a very big smack on the lips that had lasted 2 seconds; just for the audience to see how in love they were. Jungkook’s stomach started to burn but it lasted as long as the kiss. It was nothing. Before, Jungkook would have felt ardent things but now, he was okay, because even though he still loved him, his mind was focused on Yoongi. Yoongi was the one he wanted to kiss the most. 

They got up on the stage and bowed to the staff, the students and the teachers. Jimin was the one who made the speech. He had prepared one in case they won and he was right. He put on his fakest smile and started to talk. “We would like to thank everyone who voted for us, it really means a lot to us that you acknowledged our love. We really needed that scholarship, it’s going to help us a lot, so thank you for this as well. We are proud to be part of Seoul National University, such a good place to study and we are thankful to the administration as well for their generosity. Thank you!” Everyone clapped in their hands. From the stage, Jungkook could see Yoongi, but he seemed a bit off. He didn’t clap, nor did he smile. The student gave them the envelope with the scholarship form in it, put plastic crowns on their heads and Jungkook and Jimin left the stage straight away. The music was back soon after. 

Jungkook took a deep breath. “Wow, I can’t believe we actually won. It’s surreal.” 

Jimin put his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder. “I’m proud of us.” 

When they got back to their friend group, Jimin jumped in Taehyun’s arms. Jungkook didn’t really know how he felt about the kiss, but he seemed fine. He probably knew he risked nothing against Jungkook. However, Jungkook didn’t see Yoongi. He looked everywhere, but he was gone. “Where’s Yoongi?” he asked. 

Seokjin answered, “He just left.”

Jungkook frowned and headed towards the exit. It was cold, since it was December but Jungkook didn’t care. He wanted to find Yoongi. He wanted to tell him. Suddenly, he saw his ash-blonde hair in the alley. He was walking to the bus stop. Jungkook ran and screamed his name but Yoongi didn’t flinch. He only stopped when Jungkook stood in front of him. “Hey,” he said, panting. “Are you okay?” 

Yoongi didn’t want to look at him. “I’m not feeling well, actually. I’m going home.” 

Jungkook frowned. “What is it?” 

Yoongi finally looked at him in the eyes, but Jungkook wished he hadn’t because they were full of disappointment. “Did you pretend?” Suddenly, Jungkook’s world shattered like glass. He was going to tell him, he really was. But could he blame anyone for telling him? It was his lie, not people’s. Jimin had warned him. He would get hurt, learning the truth; but perhaps he could limit the damage by telling him the truth himself. But he couldn’t even have that. “So it’s true,” Yoongi answered after Jungkook’s silence. 

“How did you know?” Jungkook managed to ask. He was aware it wasn’t important, but he needed to know. 

“The guys talked about it while you were on stage. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jungkook took a deep breath. It was The Question. He couldn’t be completely honest for now. He couldn’t tell him that he wanted to make him jealous, he couldn’t tell that he wanted to appear more desirable, he couldn’t tell that it was easier pretending to be in a relationship with Jimin than admitting his feelings and being rejected. He just couldn’t. It wasn’t the answer he could deliver for now. “It was easier.”

“It was easier to lie to me? It was easier than telling me that you’re pretending to date Jimin? I don’t get it, are we not close enough? The pretending part is not even my problem, I would’ve cheered you on. But you just said… nothing. Besides, when we first met, you kept talking about him like he was your friend. I really don’t understand.”

Jungkook was heartbroken, seeing Yoongi angry at him. He didn’t deserve to be hurt, not after everything he had been though. Yet, he was and there was nothing Jungkook could say to mend the broken pieces. Not even golden lacquer would do. Yoongi didn’t yell, and it was the scariest thing Jungkook had ever seen. It was pure disappointment. He had been entangled in Jungkook’s lies, just like he was. “I’m sorry, Yoongi. I was going to tell you today, after the contest. I just didn’t-”

“Don’t bother,” he spat. 

No one likes being lied to , Jungkook repeated in his head. He didn’t hold Yoongi back when he left. He knew he wanted to be alone, and that he didn’t want to face Jungkook anymore. He let him go. 

❊

Jungkook had cried a lot after the dance, thinking Yoongi would never talk to him again. He had gone home after Yoongi had left, without telling anyone and then had called Jimin, bawling his eyes out in his bed. 

“You can say it,” Jungkook muttered, his head leaning against his hand. “You can say that you warned me.” 

Jimin took Jungkook’s other hand. They were not dating anymore but he was still his best friend. “It doesn’t bring me any kind of joy, you know. You knew he would be hurt. Why don’t you tell him how you feel? The real reason you hid the truth from him?

Jungkook sighed. “I’m not ready. He just broke up with Hyesung, he doesn’t like me that way. I can’t bear another rejection. No offense. I have to find another way.” 

“I’m sure you will, baby. He likes you a lot, you’ll get through it.” 

During holidays, Jungkook had to work for his exams, but he also had to work at the record shop: it was the busiest moment of the year with Christmas coming. He had filled the form for the scholarship and had received the right amount of money for the whole year. It was a lot of money, if he was honest, but he needed it all. Besides, a lot of things had been taken into account. His life would be a lot less heavy on his shoulders, now. Yet, he kept thinking about Yoongi. He felt very lonely, without him. Jungkook hadn’t sent any text, nor had he tried to talk to him, because he didn’t want to be a burden. But his mind was just full of moments he had spent with him. He missed him. 

When he got back from work, he didn’t take the bus like he used to. Christmas was his favourite time of the year: the sparkling snow on the pavements, the very big Christmas market with sugar-coated chestnut and candy canes for sale, the very big Christmas tree in the middle of Itaewon, the bags full of gifts and the decorations on the street lamps. Everything was beautiful and he liked to take the time to wander in the streets to watch it all. He wished Yoongi would see it too. 

And that’s when he got The Idea. 

He opened his eyes wide and took his phone. He had many people to call, so many things to organise but he wanted to do it all. He wanted to bring Yoongi back. 

❊

Jungkook hadn’t talked to Yoongi for four days. He was scared he would think he didn’t care about him for not reaching out but he would tell him later that he wanted to give him space. But when he showed up to his door, Yoongi didn’t seem very happy to see him. He even tried to slam the door in Jungkook’s face, but he held it back. Yoongi rolled his eyes. The Spider-man suit probably didn’t help. In the apartment, Jungkook couldn’t see the Kintsugi piano but he could still see the plant with his name on it. “I don’t want to talk to you, Jungkook,” he said. His words cut like knives on Jungkook’s skin but he decided not to pay attention to it. 

“I have a request.” 

“You’re not in a position to request anything,” Yoongi dryly replied. He was still angry. 

Jungkook carried an envelope in his hand. He put it in front of Yoongi’s face and took a deep breath. “I promise.. that if after this day you don’t want to talk to me ever again, I will be out of your life for good. Yaksok .”

Yoongi rolled his eyes again and stopped trying to shut the door in Jungkook’s face. “What is it?” 

“A paper chase!” Jungkook smiled. 

Yoongi was definitely not the kind of person who took part in paper chases for fun, and it showed. He sighed. He must have known that Jungkook had worked on it a lot, so he didn’t refuse to do it, even if he was mad. He opened the first envelope and frowned. 

It’s Halloween.

It’s time to put on your pumpkin costume.

Taehyung’s party can’t wait!

Behind the card, 

Along the way,

Name three qualities and three flaws for each other.

The card had been written by Jungkook himself. Yoongi looked up to him. “Are you kidding?” 

Jungkook pinched his lips. “I know we didn’t meet at Taehyung’s but as you probably already know, Seokjin’s out of town.”

It was like everything Jungkook said got on Yoongi’s nerves, but he left the main room and climbed the small stairs to go to his bedroom on the mezzanine. Jungkook waited for him on his couch; now he could see the Kintsugi piano, in the same corner as before. At least, he hadn’t thrown it away. Yoongi had never been a fan of Christmas. He usually went back to Daegu with his family but with Hyesung around, he couldn’t enjoy it fully. Yoongi came back ten minutes later, with his pumpkin costume on. It reminded Jungkook a lot of memories but he tried to keep them away not to make him sad. 

They took the bus all dressed up. It was cold and snowy and it was the worst idea not to draw attention but they didn’t really care anymore, at this point. “You’re a liar, your music tastes are not that good and you have communication issues,” Yoongi suddenly said, looking through the bus’ window.

Jungkook smiled. At least, he participated. “You forgot my qualities.” 

“I didn’t forget. There’s just nothing to say.” It was painful to see Yoongi angry, but it was normal that he still held a grudge against him. He hadn’t given him a proper explanation. 

“You’re stubborn, you don’t know how to accept help and you have communication issues,” Jungkook repeated the third flaw on purpose. Yoongi really had trouble telling people what was wrong as well. “But you’re very caring, you’re loyal, and you’re very talented,” he ended up saying. He could go on with Yoongi’s qualities for hours but the instructions said only three were to be told. Yoongi hadn’t said anything. 

When Jungkook knocked on Taehyung’s door, he opened with a straight face. “Ah, I’d forgotten about that.” He let them enter but no one was there. There was no longer the Halloween decorations, the spider webs, the softened light or the music. It was just the two of them in Halloween costumes in the middle of Christmas. “Please, don’t take forever. I have only one bathroom.” Jungkook nodded and guided Yoongi to Taehyung’s only bathroom. He locked the door behind them and sat in the bathtub. Like he had said, Taehyung’s bathroom wasn’t the bathroom in which they had met, but they had met again there after Yoongi had put his headphones on Jungkook’s head. He took his earphones and handed one to Yoongi who watched it for a while before taking it. The first notes were obvious. Sailing . He had listened to this song plenty of times and he didn’t get tired of it. A letter lay  behind the tap and Jungkook took it. He opened it and showed Yoongi the content.

Tell each other a secret

Something that you never told anyone before

Behind the card,

Wanna listen to some music?

Go to Clique Records.

Clique Records was where Jungkook worked. They had seen each other for the second time there. “Do you want to go first?” Jungkook asked, knowing he would get a scornful look. “Okay, I’m starting. I have a criminal record. I never told anyone. Even Jimin doesn’t know. When I used to date Sanghoon, he made me do things for him, like stealing things in different stores, selling drugs, scamming people on the Internet… and one day, I was caught by the police, stealing electronic items in a store and I was so ashamed when I realised the extent that I never told anyone about it. That was when I broke up with him despite the fact that I loved him so much but it was so toxic and I could’ve ended up in big trouble. I only told Jimin that he was mean to me… and it was true but it wasn’t all of it. I was 17 back then so I just had to pay for it but I still have a criminal record because of it. I was so in love, I could have done anything. Scary, right?” Yoongi had listened to him very carefully. Even though he was mad, he was like that: a good listener. 

Yoongi gulped. “Do your parents know?” he asked with a soft voice. 

“Yeah,” Jungkook snorted. “They had to pick me up from the police station. What a moment.” 

The song was still playing in the earphones but Jungkook had to tone it down for Yoongi to hear his secret. Jungkook didn’t really expect Yoongi to share a secret but, “I lost a friend, six years ago. They died in a car accident around Christmas.” He took a deep breath, Jungkook could tell it was hard for him to recall this memory. “I had a breakdown and isolated myself from everyone around me, I stayed in bed all day, I couldn’t work at all, I couldn’t enjoy anything, even music. It was really hard. That’s when I met Hyesung. I admired him a lot, he was studying to become a doctor and I was nothing. He became a model to me. We hung out a lot and he helped me find a will to live again. He’s the one who bought me the piano he broke. But over time, he became angry. He was angry all the time, and said hurtful things and I felt like his punch ball. But I always felt like I owed him my life, and he constantly reminded me of my dept. It’s true that he helped me, but then I met Seokjin, and I found out that I could be my own person. I just didn’t have the guts and the confidence to break up with Hyesung. Deep down, I still loved him.” A tear had fallen on Yoongi’s cheek. Jungkook wanted to make a joke about a certain leak, but he thought it would be insensitive after he had told him such a heavy secret. The only thing he wanted was to take him in his arms and never let him go. “Seokjin knows.”

“It’s okay,” Jungkook managed to say. “Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you got through it.” He didn’t know what to say; if they hadn’t had their fight, he would have hugged him, but now it would be crossing his boundaries and Jungkook didn’t want that. “Let’s go?” 

Yoongi got up as an answer and unlocked the door. Taehyung was working in the living room. He raised his eyebrows when he saw them both out of the bathroom. “I was hoping you’d take a bath together and make up,” he said. 

Jungkook chuckled. “Thank you for the bathroom, Tae.” 

Then, they took the bus to Jung-gu, to where Jungkook worked when he wasn’t at SNU. The ride was still silent but there was not as much tension as before. Jungkook’s boss was alone behind the counter and he frowned when he saw him in a Spider-man suit in the store. There were a few customers already and they all looked at them from head to toe as if they were aliens. “You didn’t tell me you were going to be dressed up like a ten year old kid,” his boss said. “Here.” He gave him a new envelope. 

Buy each other a vinyl record that means something to you.

Maybe there’s something you’d like to say.

Behind the card,

It’s Christmas.

You should see the Christmas market!

With his scholarship, Jungkook had more than enough money to buy Yoongi a vinyl record. But what would he tell him through music? What could he tell him, that he didn’t dare put into words? It had been his idea, but he suddenly was clueless. They split in the store; Jungkook knew exactly where each vinyl record was since he had put them there. He looked for minutes. When Yoongi paid for his find, he hadn’t found his yet. Suddenly, he remembered an album. It was it. He picked it from the right record storage box and paid. 

Outside the store, Yoongi was waiting for him, leaning on the front window. Jungkook held the vinyl record to Yoongi with a smile. It was Onwards to Zion by Vancouver Sleep Clinic. “I used to listen to it a lot before. The lyrics are meaningful, you’ll see.” Yoongi thanked him and offered his vinyl record to him. Violence in a Quiet Mind by Haux. Jungkook read the tracklist and frowned. “I hope it’s not dedicated to me. There’s a track called ‘Killer’,” he said.

Jungkook almost saw the ghost of a smile on Yoongi’s face. Everything wasn’t lost. “Not everything is about you. It describes what I feel. It’s personal.” Jungkook smiled and guided Yoongi to the Christmas market. 

At that time of the day, it was even more fabulous to see. The sun set in the sky to hand over to the shining moon and the Christmas lights all over the streets coloured the snow on the pavements. It was beautiful. Next to him, Yoongi was shivering. “You’re cold. Do you want to go home?” Jungkook asked. 

“Let’s just finish this,” he said. Jungkook didn’t really know how to take it. Did he want to finish it because he liked it or because he wanted to get rid of it? They walked to a stand where there were all kinds of food for sale: churros, crêpes, candy canes, sugar-coated chestnuts, toffee apples, and a lot more. Suddenly, they saw a familiar face behind the counter.

“Oh, hey!” Hoseok cheered. “I don’t have time to chat but here,” he then gave Jungkook the envelope. Hoseok worked here for Christmas holidays and had accepted to carry an envelope for him. 

This is it, guys.

The final step. 

Eat something and tell each other what you’re grateful for.

Behind the card, 

Yoongi, let Jungkook take you back home.

Jungkook looked at Yoongi. The Christmas lights reflected in his eyes like a Christmas tree. His nose was red due to the cold and his hands almost white. He wanted to hold them in his and blow on them to warm them up. But he couldn’t. Not if Yoongi didn’t tell him to do it. “Are you hungry?” Jungkook asked. 

“Yeah, actually,” Yoongi answered. “I want kimchi.” Thankfully there was a stand with traditional food, including kimchi. They could even take it away and eat it at home, since it was really cold outside. On their way home, they stopped at the bus stop to wait for the bus. They took advantage of the opportunity to start eating. “I’m grateful for today,” Yoongi started to say. It was like the sun had broken through a very big grey cloud. “I’m grateful for that time you let me sleep at your place when I wasn’t okay. I’m grateful for when you cleaned my apartment from head to toe. I’m grateful for when you tried to repair my piano. I’m grateful for the fake plant, for the pumpkin carving, for the hug, for the aquarium, for the things you said about Hyesung. I’m grateful that I met you. But I’m not grateful that you lied to me, making me feel like I’m a nobody, like I don’t matter.”

Jungkook looked down. “You matter, Yoongi. You matter more than most people, and I’m grateful that you’re here, in my life. I’m grateful for when you talked to me about Kintsugi , for the soup, for your advice, for always letting me talk, for never crossing the boundaries. I’m grateful for the songs, and the memories. Most of all, I’m grateful for making me think that I deserve more than what I can give to other people. And you’re not a nobody. And I’m sorry I lied to you.” 

They looked at each other, exhausted, shivering and cold. There were traces of their feet in the snow and Jungkook took a look at them. He really liked Christmas, and the most beautiful gift he could have would be that Yoongi forgives him. “Why did you lie?” Yoongi asked again. Perhaps, he knew that “It was easier” wasn’t the real reason. 

This time, Jungkook chose honesty. “I can’t tell you now,” he admitted. “I’ll tell you when it’s the right moment. I promise. But it’s just not now.” 

“How frustrating,” Yoongi whined. “Okay.” 

Yoongi must have been really patient, because no other people would have waited for him. Jungkook added this to the list of things he was grateful for. 

They got to Yoongi’s place in no time, even with the snow on the road. They were chilled to the bone, and still wearing their Halloween costumes as if it was normal during Christmas time. “Do you want to stay over?” Yoongi asked. Perhaps he had forgiven him. Perhaps he would give him a chance. Perhaps he wouldn’t have to be out of Yoongi’s life for good. 

“No, I’m going home. I really need to change my clothes. But thank you.” 

Yoongi put the bag with his vinyl record on his coffee table and pinched his lips. “Thank you for today. It was fun.” 

Jungkook came back home light-hearted. He had gotten his friend back. At home, he put the vinyl record in the record player, let it play all night and slipped in his sheets to warm up. The songs were sad, deeply sad, but it was Yoongi. Yoongi’s personal feelings, Yoongi’s past. It was all Yoongi.  

And he cried. Of joy, of nervosity, of coldness, of frustration; he didn’t know but he cried. In his bed, he thought about a French quote from Albert Espinosa he had learned a few years ago. “J'ai éclaté en sanglots. J'ai un faible pour cette expression. On n'éclate jamais de faim ou de froid. En revanche, on éclate de rire ou en sanglots. Il est des sentiments qui justifient qu'on vole en éclats.” In English, it basically meant: “I burst into tears. I have a weakness for this locution. We don’t burst into anger or cold. On the other hand, we burst into laughter or into tears. There are feelings that justify that we burst.” 

❊

Everyone was going to see their own family for Christmas. Jungkook would be back in Busan to spend Christmas with his family, as well as Jimin. Yoongi would go back to Daegu with Seokjin, as well as Taehyung. Namjoon and Hoseok would stay in Seoul to spend Christmas at Namjoon’s, like every year. So in order to see each other before leaving, they had organised a Christmas party at Jimin’s. A week before, they had picked a random name in a Christmas sock and had decided to buy a gift for whoever they had picked. They wouldn’t know until the person would open the gift in front of everyone, but Jungkook had picked Yoongi on purpose. Jimin was the one who had picked Yoongi originally, but Jungkook had moved heaven and earth to swap his friend’s name for Yoongi’s. Of course, Jimin had accepted. They had also decided that the dress code would be a Christmas pullover to wear on that special day. 

Jimin’s apartment was full of lights. It was his favourite holiday; he had bought many tinsel to hang them on the wall and the furniture, he had bought a Christmas tree he had decorated with Taehyung and he had even tried to cook a meal for the party under the supervision of Hoseok. Jungkook’s pullover was red with a snowman on it. Yoongi’s was green with a Christmas tree, Jimin’s was navy blue with a decorated house and snow, Seokjin’s was red with a real life stag nose that everyone could squeeze, Taehyung’s was red as well with tinsel and snow, Hoseok’s was green and red and finally, Namjoon’s was white and light blue with HAPPY CHRISTMAS written in capitals. They look like a big family. They were perfect. 

The meal had been great and everyone had congratulated Jimin for his effort, even though Hoseok had helped a lot. They sang lots of Christmas songs and danced together like seven elves in Santa’s factory. Jungkook was the happiest he had ever been. 

Finally, the moment to give each other their gifts came and everyone sat around the coffee table with their gifts in their hands, except for Jungkook. Seokjin was the first to open his gift: he had ripped the wrapping paper in two seconds and was now watching a whole new helmet for his motorcycle. Indeed, he had just gotten his license but owned only one helmet. Now, he could have a passenger. He thanked Yoongi with a side hug, since he was the one who had bought him the present. The next one to open his gift was Hoseok who had gotten a present from his own boyfriend: Namjoon. It was a pair of shoes but with very personal details on it: Namjoon had personalized them to look like Hoseok. A ray of sunshine. Hoseok had given Jungkook a very particular edition of his favorite book: A Universe from Nothing: Why There Is Something Rather than Nothing by Lawrence M. Krauss. The hardcover was beautiful and pretty rare, if you asked Jungkook. He hugged Hoseok so tight he could hardly breathe. Jimin had gotten a make-up palette from Taehyung; Taehyung had gotten a lava lamp from Seokjin and Namjoon a sketchbook from Jimin. Yoongi was the only one left without a present. “I don’t have it here,” Jungkook started. “You’ll have to come with me if you want it.” 

“You just ruined the moment,” Jimin said. “You didn’t even tell me what it was.” 

“It’s a surprise,” Jungkook answered, with a mischievous look. 

Yoongi snorted and accepted to go home with Jungkook after the party. They spent the rest of the night playing board games, singing songs and laughing, like a real family. Perhaps, Jungkook had found his family. Perhaps, Jungkook would never feel lonely again.  

Jungkook had hugged everyone before leaving except Yoongi, who was coming with him. He thanked everyone for the night and made them know it had been fabulous. He was going to miss them, even if it was for a week or so. At the bus stop, Jungkook took a blindfold in his backpack and held it out to Yoongi. “I’d like you to wear this.” 

Yoongi made a face. “Is that your Christmas gift? I understand that you were ashamed in front of our friends.” 

Jungkook chuckled. “No, but I’d really like it if you put it on.” 

Yoongi mumbled but let Jungkook blindfold him. Jungkook was excited; he knew Yoongi would like his gift, but he wanted to see his reaction to it. His pure reaction. But Jungkook had lied again, making him believe it was in his own apartment while it was in Yoongi’s. Indeed, since Jimin and he had changed Yoongi’s lock, Jungkook had taken advantage of the situation to keep a key for himself. He had never used it without Yoongi’s consent, of course, except for this time. Because it was special. Yoongi had spent most of his day at Seokjin’s and Jungkook had put the present in his apartment while he was at it. He had made sure Yoongi wouldn’t come back before the end of Jimin’s party, of course. 

Jungkook guided Yoongi out of the bus, to the lift and to his door. “Jungkook?” 

Jungkook gigled. “Yes?” He knew Yoongi would know.

“Do you think I’m stupid? I’ve lived here for more than six years, I know it’s my apartment.”

Yoongi was about to take the blindfold off but Jungkook prevented him from doing it. “No! Please. Just wait.” He took his hand and guided him in the middle of his apartment. The light had been subdued and Yoongi’s gift was lying in the middle of the living room without Yoongi to be able to see it. Jungkook was excited. “Wait here.” Jungkook was just two meters away from him; he assumed he could still feel him, but didn’t say anything. The room had been plunged into silence. 

And the first notes resonated in the whole apartment, like a bell. The sound was crystal clear, and Jungkook’s fingers tenderly caressed the keys not to damage them. He had learned the chords by heart just for this moment to happen. He played the song perfectly, gently, the sound of his heart beating at the rhythm of the notes. Yoongi was speechless. His mouth was slightly open but he hadn’t taken the blindfold off. Jungkook knew he would focus on every note; after all, he had bought a vinyl record with this song on it. The Portrait . The moment, in Titanic, in which Jack was drawing Rose with the Heart of the Ocean around her neck. It was Jungkook’s favourite track. He thought it was like Yoongi and him. And he had learned it. And it had played it for him. 

Yoongi sat next to Jungkook, on the little bench. He didn’t need to see the keys in order to play: he was a professional, he played with his ears, not with his fingers. And they played the piano with four hands, just like that; Jungkook was taking care of his part and Yoongi added what was to be added. They didn’t talk nor did they laugh. It was just a pure moment of intimacy, a break in the universe. The birth of a star. When the song was over, all they could hear was each other’s breathing. Jungkook saw a tear on Yoongi’s cheek; it had come down regardless of the blindfold. He decided to take it off and Yoongi saw his new piano for the first time. It was black, clean and pretty. There was no trace of fake golden lacquer but it was perfect as it was: Yoongi was going to make history with it, it was going to have a past, a present, and a future and the scars would gradually make their way to its core and make it valuable. Yoongi wiped his eyes and looked at Jungkook. “You gave me a piano,” he almost whispered. 

“Do you like it?” Jungkook asked. Of course, he knew he did but he needed to hear it. 

“More than anything,” Yoongi answered. “You actually learned the song,” he added. “It was perfect. Thank you.” 

Jungkook liked to give. He liked to make his friends happy, to make them know they were valuable, worthy of such love. It was all that mattered in the world. 

“I also have a gift for you,” Yoongi said and disappeared in the mezzanine. “Can you close your eyes, please?” he screamed from up there. “I trust you.” Jungkook closed his eyes as he was told and heard Yoongi coming back from upstairs. His eyes were still closed when Yoongi was standing in front of him. A few minutes passed and something shifted in the room. The atmosphere was different even though he couldn’t see anything. He didn’t feel Yoongi in front of him anymore. “Now, you can open your eyes,” he said from the other side of the room.

And it was Jungkook’s turn to be speechless. A billion stars had appeared on Yoongi’s walls, on his ceiling, and on his furniture as if he was in space. But more than stars, Jungkook could see planets, nebulas, entire new systems. He was where he had always wanted to be, he was where he knew he would never be. Yoongi had turned the light off so they were in complete darkness but he could still see his outline and the stars which reflected on his body and face. He headed towards him and took a deep breath. “Yoongi,” he started. “Do you remember when I promised I would tell you the reason why I lied?” 

“Yes,” he said. 

“It’s because I love you.” His heart stopped, letting go of the word he had held back for so long. He faced Yoongi. “And I wanted you to love me. And it was an excuse. If I had a boyfriend, you wouldn’t have to reject me. But I love you. And I know that we’re just stardust in the universe, that we are so little compared to all of that, but to me, you’re the brightest star one could ever wish to discover. And I’m so thankful for the light you allowed me to see. I am so thankful for the fact that a star once exploded to make you, because you’re worth more than any other star in the entire universe. Because I love you.”  

And Yoongi kissed him; like the sun kissed the sky in the morning. Slowly, tenderly, with thousands of colours. Five of his fingers ran in Jungkook’s hair while the other five caressed his neck. Jungkook’s hands laid on Yoongi’s waist like it was Home; it was intimate and real, and pure. Kissing in the middle of a billion stars felt like Heaven. They all seemed to accept them as parts of them and Jungkook thought Yoongi definitely was in his proper place, in the middle of the universe, of Jungkook’s universe. They discovered new parts of their own universes as their hands wandered on each other’s bodies, parts that people had never taken the time to explore. It was tender, and it was enough. 

They had found their place in the universe and it had been in each other’s. 

❊

“Why is there something rather than nothing? Ultimately, this question may be no more significant or profound than asking why some flowers are red and some are blue. ‘Something’ may always come from nothing. It may be required, independent of the underlying nature of reality. Or perhaps ‘something’ may not be very special or even very common in the multiverse. Either way, what is really useful is not pondering this question, but rather participating in the exciting voyage of discovery that may reveal specifically how the universe in which we lived evolved and is evolving and the processes that ultimately operationally govern our existence. That is why we have science. We may supplement this understanding with reflection and call that philosophy. But only via continuing to probe every nook and cranny of the universe that is accessible to us will we truly build a useful appreciation of our own place in the universe.” Jungkook read the book he had gotten at Christmas at loud. He had been able to create a universe from nothing, bit by bit, because he had found people who believed in him, who loved him and cared for him. He had found himself, learned to love himself, learned to comprehend the universe around him. And even though there might come a time when things fall down, he will always be able to seek for the tiniest light in the darkest oblivion. There would always be something that remains. There would never be nothing ever again because the creation of his universe was not an end in itself but an endless journey he would always try to understand and feed with his own experiences. That is why he would always find something rather than nothing.