Chapter Text
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: March 6, 2019, 10:11 am
Subject: Application for Admission to Seminary at Naples
Attachment: Recommendation Letter
***
Ahn Jeongwon had dedicated nineteen years of his life in pursuit of his mother’s dreams for him. He had ignored his true calling despite all the hurdles and sufferings in his path which kept reminding him that he was destined for something else. He didn’t think he had it in him to defy destiny for the twentieth year and escape unscathed – not that there was much left in him to even scathe, if he were to be honest. The intensity of the hollowness he felt after he failed to save yet another young child of God chafed at him. The depth of his grief crippled him. The constant self-doubt and post-mortem of ‘what if’s shackled him. Every breath he took felt like a painful slash in his chest. He was unworthy and did not deserve to be entrusted with the lives of precious little angels. He didn’t deserve to be and didn’t have the strength to continue being Dr. Ahn Jeongwon, Assistant Professor of Pediatric Surgery. He would better serve God and save himself when he embraced the next year as Andrea, first year seminarian in Italy. Just ten months. Ten more months until he found his salvation.
***
Spring was here. Ahn Jeongwon felt that his spring too was finally near, and soon it would be within his grasp. He woke up feeling lighter than he had in years after he had sent in his application to the seminary in Naples. It was unfortunate that he was too old to pursue his dreams in Korea and would have to live so far from his family and friends, but it was what it was. All that was left was to convince his mother that this was indeed in his best interests. He hummed to the tune of Aloha by Cool as he took his sweet time showering. He then went to the kitchen to fix breakfast for himself and Junwan. He laid out breakfast on the kitchen island of their shared apartment, or to be very honest, Junwan’s apartment in which he’s made a hole for himself, and went to wake Junwan up. After seeing that his friend had truly woken up and was no longer at a risk of falling back asleep, he went about washing the dishes and sorting out the laundry. Whatever would Junwan do without him he didn’t know.
He settled himself in behind the steering wheel after watching Junwan primp himself up for an hour. Come to think of it, “Why are you so dressed up? Are you getting engaged?” he asked Junwan. “I have booked a resort in Busan and we are going to have a fancy dinner afterwards,” Junwan replied. Fancy indeed, the slick, classy bastard that Junwan was. He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of envy that his friend was going on a relaxed date with his girlfriend over the weekend while he had to clock in for his shift at the hospital and he voiced the thought to his friend. Only for the unsympathetic and snide bastard to taunt him to work hard as he dropped him off. Well, it was no matter. Today he had to receive outpatients after his rounds – he was excited to meet the little cuties and make them feel all better. Nothing could brighten his day more than their smiles, so the loss was actually that of Junwan and his ever-drunk producer girlfriend.
As he checked on Minyeong during his morning rounds, he couldn’t help but feel his heart crack a little more. The little girl had spent most of the past three years of her young life in the sterile somber atmosphere of the hospital – and now, her condition was getting much worse. He knew in the heart of his hearts that there was nothing he could do about it but he couldn’t let go, he couldn’t stop trying, he couldn’t face her mother and cruelly request her to let go either – and he swore to himself that he wouldn’t. The memory of the joy on her face when they celebrated her birthday in the dreary ward and the sweet little kiss of happy gratitude she planted on his cheek when she was allowed to dig into a slice of cake was still vivid in his mind’s eye. With a heavy heart, he left to receive outpatients after issuing instructions to the residents to check on Minyeong thrice every day and report the slightest change in her charts to him.
Little kids truly were beyond adorable. Ahn Jeongwon couldn’t help but squeal in delight as he walked to through the corridors to his office room after having attended to all the outpatients. The way little So-ra grabbed at his stethoscope with unbridled delight, the cute enthusiasm with which Sangu raised his tiny arm, the shyness with which Hyunwoo answered all the questions and the bravery with which Haneul controlled his trembling lips as he received his flu shot! What wouldn’t he give to ensure the smiles remained on their faces!
He entered Junwan’s office room to finally grab a bite to eat only to see that the selfish inconsiderate prick had ignored his very specific request of hamburgers and ordered in fiery red tteokbokki despite being well aware that he cannot stand that level of spice. And then ignored his complaint in favour of cooing over the phone to his girlfriend! He made a mental note to not fix chocolate milk during breakfast for Junwan over the next few days. He heaved a sigh and ate as much as he could stand to without risking his intestinal tract and was ready to leave for the day when he heard the familiar ringtone of his phone.
It was Songhwa. She too seemed to be busy with her dating life. He truly marveled at the time management skills and never-ending emotional bandwidth of his friends. After putting in a full day’s work at the hospital, they managed to make time and space for a significant other. He vaguely wondered what that might be like. And here he was – totally incapable of even continuing his hobbies. The weather was so lovely and he couldn’t even manage to squeeze in the short and easy hike at Bukhansan let alone the more challenging ones he yearned to go on. He hadn’t even managed to visit Seokhyeong once in the three months since he was back from the United States!
He shoved aside the stray thoughts and focused on the practicalities at hand. It really was an opportune time to bring up the topic of his Daddy Long Legs initiative with Songhwa. It would allow her enough time to get familiarized and they could explore alternative ways to finance it before his income ceased. But he couldn’t bring himself to mention it over the phone – an icy feeling clawed at his throat and before he could say any further and fix a meetup when they could talk things over, his resident alerted him to a patient in need of his immediate attention. The conversation would have to wait another day and it seemed like he wouldn’t make it home early today either.
***
As if life wasn’t eventful enough, his father was now in a coma. He wondered how devastated his mother must be feeling. He couldn’t even begin to parse through his own emotions. In the worst case scenario, if his father didn’t make it through, it wasn’t just the loss of his father he would have to suffer. He’d have to deal with the unwanted baggage of his inheritance. He could feel the beginnings of a migraine just at the thought of the work – why now? Now, when he had finally gone through with his application of priesthood and was hoping for a peaceful year before he renounced the material world and took the cloth. Even if his father pulled through, and he viciously wished that he would, he couldn’t be expected to continue his position as the Chairman of Yulje. His father was already nearing his eighties and he needed plenty of rest. They’d have to figure something out so that his father could take a backseat when it came to dealing with the management affairs. Well, he still had some time until things came to a head and he had to sort this out. He called his mother up and was glad to know that she was holding up pretty well. His mother was one tough cookie. He let out a shuddering breath that he’d unknowingly held in for far too long. He would visit his father once he was done with his rounds for the day. He was still at work and his patients had to come first.
He once again checked on Minyeong. Her vitals weren’t looking good and were likely to only get worse. How much pain must the poor child be in? How difficult must it be for her? He could barely hold himself together as he left for the day. He couldn’t help but feel enraged at the injustice meted out by God. His father was a wonderful man, yes. He knew of no better and nobler man than him – yet, it was so patently unfair that his father had the opportunity to enjoy life and see all his children grow into adults while Minyeong was in the same state as he was and her life would be snuffed even before it began.
As he parked in front of Yulje, he was struck by the sheer magnitude of his father’s legacy – his responsibility unless he figured something out. He trudged through the corridors and made his way to the elevator. He let the scenes of birth, sickness, death and the ambient emotions of relief, anguish, worry, joy, grief wash over him as he walked, almost in a trance, to the VIP ward where his father was. It was a shock to see his larger than life father lying motionless on the hospital bed. He clasped his father’s hand and rested his head on their joined hands as he asked his father to somehow, telepathically maybe, just tell him that it would all be alright. After several moments of silence trickled past them both, he got up and headed for Director’s Ju’s office to get a detailed update on his father’s condition.
He couldn’t help the way his thoughts raced when he heard Director Ju’s bleak briefing. He would have to somehow convince Mr. Ju to take over the chairmanship despite his reluctance. He understood that he was in a difficult position with his wife’s poor health but there really was no one who was more suited to take over and keep the philanthropic-public health focused spirit alive while balancing it with optimal profit accrual. It would be easier if he managed to get his mother on his side – she would be disappointed as this would mean one less tether to ordinary civilian life for him but at the end of the day, she was his mother and he was the apple of her eye. He could work out the kinks in this plan later, he was sure. He thanked Director Ju and called up his oldest brother asking to meet at their usual haunt as he walked out. He felt quite unfilial and underwhelmed by the track of his thoughts and desperately needed the assurance that only a venting session with his brother could provide.
***
The past few days had put him through a wringer. Ahn Jeongwon felt like a dried husk devoid of any tears or feelings. He had had three back to back all-nighters at the hospital, managed to make one short visit to Yangpyeong on the one day he had off when he had the landmine-filled conversation about the prospects of the hospital succession with his mother and just when he was sure he had won her over, he had to rush back to the hospital for an emergency. Multiple phone calls to follow up on persuading her and one breakdown in front of his brother late at night had consumed the remaining few minutes he had had to himself. And now, the news that his father’s condition had worsened drastically reached him. He had a colectomy scheduled for a 6 year old patient with Hirschsprung’s disease after which he would be able to head for Yulje.
Fortunately, the surgery took just an hour and half. Unfortunately, as soon as he left the OR, he read the message that his father was no more. He rushed out and drove to Yulje. As he entered the VIP ward, he saw the straight back of his mother, his brave and strong mother, who had lost four of her children to God and now even her husband. He buried his head on her shoulder and she returned his embrace and he felt just a little bit more steady as he processed his recalibrated life. His siblings were here, attorney Pyeon was here, Mr. Hwang would soon be here once the funeral service started. There was a lot to do – there was no rest for the wicked after all. He’d allow himself the time to smoke up one cancer stick, just the one, before he dived back into business.
His knees ached as the interminable service continued and he had to bow for the millionth time. His head was throbbing and he had neither pain patches nor headache reliever pills at hand. To make matters worse, Songhwa and Junwan who didn’t have the faintest clue about his family affairs were here as well – and understandably grilling him about their lack of knowledge. While their good natured banter and haranguing was generally mood uplifting, everything chafed at him at the moment. Countless acquaintances still had to be greeted and more importantly, he had to iron out the details of the succession to the management of the hospital. He had convinced Mr. Hwang to support Mr. Ju’s candidacy and had acquired the agreement of the directors in his faction in writing. He had also put his own resignation and that of his mother’s in writing. His mother had almost convinced Mr. Ju – he just had to walk the last leg. And soon, it would all be done and dusted with.
After the funeral service, he accompanied his mother in clearing his father’s belongings from his office. When he saw the bill for the medical services alone, he was consumed by the possibilities the VIP ward threw open. He needed to get his hands on the profits – a single week’s profits could fund several surgeries which even a month of his pay couldn’t. He would have to wrangle this one thing from Mr. Ju’s control. The conversation with Mr. Ju went smoother than expected. He now had a written agreement granting him the sole rights to use and control the profits from the VIP wards – he just had to figure out how to rope the Gongryong Ridge members into being his contracted slaves. He smirked. Well, it would be child’s play with the amount of ammunition he had on his hands.
***
It was nice to have the whole gang back to hang out with. They had all slipped back into their old dynamics seamlessly as if time had never touched them. He hadn’t even realized how much he missed it and how they had drifted apart despite their constant attempts to stay in touch. Seokhyeong’s desire to resume band practice really killed two birds at a time – he got a talented obstetrician and gynecologist for the VIP ward and got to bang away his frustration into music. It was nice to plan and look forward to playing one of their favorite songs after a hectic week of work. It was a commitment and yet, at the same, it allowed him to relax and take a back-seat – to just bask in the warmth of all the bickering and banter.
The song for the week was ‘Lonely Night’ and to ensure the VIP wards were not deprived of their in-house neurosurgeon, the lead vocalist was none other than Chae Songhwa. He couldn’t help but chuckle helplessly at her oblivious enthusiasm as she gulped 5 egg yolks in an attempt to soften the blow she would deal to their auditory senses. It was simply glorious to see Ikjun, Seokhyeong and Junwan’s hilariously devastated expressions as Songhwa continued her onslaught. The hilarity of it made the terrible musical performance one of the most fun things he had done in a long while. Of course, that didn’t mean he could escape asking the Lord for his forgiveness for what He had just been subjected to. After all, he shared a huge portion of the responsibility for unleashing Songhwa’s vocals.
He smiled as he heard Ikjun and Junwan mocking Songhwa’s singing. Her childish retaliation of throwing her shoe at Ikjun only for Junwan to escape with it into the car leaving her shoeless made the nostalgic joy their band session had left him with all the more sweeter. And the day just kept getting better. The little girl whose cardiothoracic surgery he had funded through his Daddy Long Legs program had gotten better! He let his inner child come through when his brother called him asking to meet for another drinking session by nagging him for his unpriestly and honestly reprehensible behavior. And he headed to meet him nonetheless. There was nothing like having a drink at the end of the day to celebrate the good things in life.
***
Life just could not give him a break. Every single time he slipped into happiness despite his profession, something happened to remind him this was not meant for him. Minyeong did not have it in her to continue in this life. He had tried and tried his very best but now it was indeed time to let go. He felt thorns shredding his heart as he stopped attempting to resuscitating her. He felt like he was choking when he told her mother to give up on her. He decided to let the residents go on with their work – he would shoulder the burden of informing Minyeong’s mother of all the various ways in which he had failed her. He would take it upon himself to break her mother’s heart all over again for the second time. His eyes burned with unshed tears when he was thanked for his failures and he broke down when the mother of his patient had to console him, the doctor.
The familiar sensation of acid churning his gut did little to numb the various emotions roiling inside him. How could he possibly feel a sense of professional pride when he was being thanked for failing? How could his pride even exist when a precious life had been lost? How could the fact that his efforts had been for naught and bruised ego that he had not succeeded have any space at a time like this? The disgust consumed him and it co-existed with the soul crushing devastation of having to mourn the death of a child he had gotten so attached to, someone he was responsible for.
It was at times like these that he entertained thoughts that were practically sacrilegious. Yes, he knew he was a child of God and that He had plans for everyone. But wasn’t Minyeong a child of God too? What sin had she committed that she had to go through so much suffering? What sin had she committed that she had to have a good-for-nothing doctor like him tending to her? What sin had he committed that despite giving his all he couldn’t save her? What sin had he committed that he had so much blood and so many lives on his hands over these years?
As was their custom, he headed to his brother church for a confessional that would hopefully help him clear his head and guide him onto the right path. It never has but it becomes just a smidgen more bearable when he cries into his beer and pours his heart out to his brother. Why was he so emotional? There were so many doctors around him – none of them seem to have it as bad as him. Why does he have to get so attached to every single patient of his until he has crossed the point of no return? When his brother says ‘Just stay for another year’, it brings him some solace to know that it would indeed be just another year. It also helped to know that it was his last week at Kangwoon Medical Centre. At least at Yulje, he won’t be haunted by the spectre of Minyeong at every turn he makes during his morning rounds. At Yulje, he would make a fresh start. At Yulje would be his last stint and after that, he’d have arrived at his true calling after all these years.