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Jaeyoon had expected anything but this. He had expected a young male, around his thirties, hit by a truck while riding his bicycle. He had expected the patient to be intubated and ventilated by the time they arrived at the trauma room. What he hadn't expected, though, was that the arm was ripped off, one tendon clinging onto the shoulder as if its life depended on it. Jaeyoon hadn't expected to see a familiar face, or what was left to recognise, lying on the stretcher. The way he had stayed rooted to the ground, frozen, unable to even blink, didn't go unnoticed. The nurse who had been called for the trauma room first looked at Jaeyoon before diverting her gaze at the patient that had just been rolled in. It took everyone a few seconds until the loud room had turned silent. One could hear a needle fall;
The silence didn't last long and everyone was back to trying to get their hands into the man. Jaeyoon tried to be professional, he tried to blend out that the person fighting for their life was no one else but their beloved co-worker.
The barely conscious patient started vomiting all over himself and the staff around him, though he barely realised it. Jaeyoon was upset, upset that the emergency doctor hadn't intubated him, angry that the man had been injuried heavily.
"Hands off, we need to intubate him and that right now." Jaeyoon growled, swatting the neurologist's hand away. "I said off him."
He leaned close to the male's ear while the anaesthesia nurse got the needed equipment. "It's going to be fine, okay? You're a strong fella." Jaeyoon stroked over his damp hair. The young man was barely awake at this point, though he kept vomiting. Jaeyoon was sure that the impact had ripped a vessel in his brain, most likely.
In a matter of seconds, he was on life support. The second the tube was blocked and connected to the ventilator, the remaining staff hurled themselves at the now sedated man. Jaeyoon needed to distract himself so he went to place an arterial catheter, while his department coworker went ahead to place more peripheral ones. The fast sonography showed signs of ruptured peripheral arteries, though the Arora seemed to be fine. At the same time, the neurologist exclaimed loudly that they immediately needed a CT, as the patient's pupils were anisocore - Jaeyoon was scared.
Before they even had a chance to get him onto the CT stretcher, the blood pressure had dropped, followed by an extreme bradycardia. They had injected medication after medication to get the heart rate as well as blood pressure up. "Please hold on a little longer, Juho." Jaeyoon whispered, stroking over the battered man's arm one more time. They had hired him onto the CT stretcher by now. The scan itself didn't take long, barely two minutes and the trauma scan was done. Jaeyoon was anxiously biting his lip, tapping his foot impatiently onto the ground. He let out an incredibly loud "No!", successfully silencing the loud room. He had sprinted into the room where the scanner was, trying to stabilise the heart rate further. Juho was flatling, Juho was dying and Jaeyoon couldn't do anything but watch. He hasn't been alone for too long, as the entire team crowded around the small stretcher. While Jaeyoon and the anaesthesia nurse kept an eye on the medications and ventilation, the remaining team switched between one circuit chest compressions.
If Jaeyoon hadn't been pumped with adrenaline, if he hadn't been on edge, he would've broken down.
The radiologist opened the door, coming to a stop next to the anaesthetist and nurse. "He's got an epidural bleeding, I'd recommend to relieve the pressure on the brain. Also an unstable pelvic fracture, unstable spine fracture at around TH4 and a pneumothorax. His face, as you can see, is pretty swollen and the CT showed that he's got multiple fractures there too. Both legs are highly comminuted."
Jaeyoon's heart broke. Even if he survived the Reanimation, he knew that Juho would be bedridden for the rest of his life. Rationally he knew that Juho wouldn't want that. They had talked about "what if's" like this a lot before and he had made it clear that he wished no life support if the outcome wasn't in his favour. But Jaeyoon had pushed all rationality away the second he had seen Juho lie on the stretcher.
He tried, he really tried to be professional but seeing the love of his life die in front of his eyes, slowly, broke him.
He had been so lost in the heat of the moment as he continued the chest compressions that he hadn't heard the trauma leader ask if anyone objected if they stopped the life-sustaining procedure. No one did except for Jaeyoon, even if he didn't talk. He continued pressing onto his lover's chest, sweat dripping down his face and back. His wet hands kept slipping but he put them right back onto Juho's sternum.
He ignored the trauma leader, he ignored the anaesthesia nurse calling out his name. His eyes were glossy with unspilled tears, clouding his vision. He just continued the chest compressions, continuously mumbling "Come on Juju, don't leave me. Please don't leave me" until someone harshly grabbed his arm and yanked him away. He stared right into the attending's sympathetic eyes. "Stop, Jaeyoon. You did whatever was in your might." It was a motherly tone and perhaps that made Jaeyoon realize that he had lost his life partner. If he hadn't had a mask on everyone could've seen how his bottom lip trembling before he broke down in a loud but short sob.
Everyone just stood there, watching Jaeyoon with pity as the asystolic alarm underlined Jaeyoon's pain. The attending held the young doctor in her arms as he sobbed into her shoulder. The guilt washed over his entire body, numbing his mind.
They had a fight before Jaeyoon had left for work. It was a stupid, petty fight - he had wanted to go public with their relationship but Juho didn't. The older hadn't understood why, they were married after all yet Juho had refused to. It had been his partner's day off and he had left right before Jaeyoon to clear his mind by riding his bicycle around the city.
Juho had done that a lot, letting off steam by cycling through the nature. But because of Jaeyoon's idiocy, he wouldn't get to do it anymore. Juho wouldn't be able to eat his favourite food, he wouldn't be able to take his late night walks anymore.
He was gone and Jaeyoon felt responsible.
Memories of what they had been through buried Jaeyoon as he cleaned Juho's tattered form as best as he could. He didn't let anyone near his partner. It had taken him longer than intended but no one stopped him. They gave him the space he needed.
"I hope you're free of any pain, Juju." He whispered with tears in his eyes, which threatened to spill again. He pressed a chaste kiss onto Juho's freshly cleaned forehead, holding the intact hand tightly. Jaeyoon just watched his partner's face for a few minutes before the obduction team arrived, to take him away for his last examination.
It had taken Jaeyoon's entire might to let go. Loosening his hold symbolized letting go of the man he loved, forever.
The truck driver had been tested positive for alcohol. His blood levels showed that he had been incredibly drunk while driving, resulting in running a red light and therefore colliding with Juho. Although the nurse had worn a helmet, the impact had been so hard that he had flown quite a few meters before hitting head first against the curbside. And as if that hadn't been enough, the driver mixed up the accelerator and break, resulting in running full speed over Juho's legs and pelvis.
This man was allowed to see another day at life but Juho wasn't.
The funeral was packed. Jaeyoon didn't pay attention to who had come and who hadn't. He was sitting right in the middle of the room, staring at Juho's smiling face. The black ribbon, the flowers framing his shining face were surreal. Someone sat next to him, pulling him out of his thoughts for a few seconds. "I'm sorry for your loss, Jaeyoon."
Ah, so it has already made the round, he thought. Jaeyoon gave his coworker three seconds before saying what every visitor had said so far. "I didn't know you were gay. Or married to Juho."
Jaeyoon could now tell why his husband had refused to make their status public. For this insight he had lost the person he held the dearest. It was cruel, incredibly cruel.
He played with the ring on his finger. "Yeah." was the only thing he said, his sorrow filled eyes never leaving the golden ring.
Jaeyoon laid in their bed, burying his nose in the sleeping wear Juho had worn before he left. He wanted to cry but it was like he had dried out.
Jaeyoon wanted to hold Juho's hand, he wanted him to play with his hair. He craved Juho's presence more than ever, he craved his warmth. He wanted to hear Juho laugh, he wanted to hear the little snort he let out in between his laughing.
Jaeyoon just wanted Juho next to him.
He had thought he could sleep in their shared bed but nightmares plagued him.
During the day, he was haunted by what had occured in the trauma room. At night, he was haunted by vivid pictures of what must've happened before the paramedics were called.
Jaeyoon had opted to avoid their bedroom and just sleep on the couch. His heavy eyebags were enough of an indicator that he didn't get enough rest - if any, at all.
It had been hard, incredibly hard, for Jaeyoon to fight himself back to living his life. He smiled, he laughed but he was empty inside. He had held tightly onto the belief that he was the reason Juho's life had been taken so brutally. He was ashamed, he was ashamed of how he had reacted in the trauma room. He was ashamed of what he had done and although his co-workers didn't show him, Jaeyoon knew they were talking behind his back.
His friends caught him stare into the distance with an empty face and sadness - pain - oozing out of his eyes. They were worried, worried that he couldn't take the suffering any longer. Jaeyoon had lost weight, quite a lot. His once chubby cheeks had disappeared completely.
He had quit his profession as a doctor and ended up working in a grocery store.
Jaeyoon visited Juho every day. "Juho…" he had sat down, facing the grave stone. "I.. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He had wanted to be strong, but he was weak. He was weak and pathetic. "I'm so, so sorry." If he could, he would've cried. Instead, he watched the petals on the grave dance lightly with the wind. "I- I tried my best, I really did but I failed you. I'm so sorry."
A pained sob left his throat, though there no tears falling. Jaeyoon's face was pulled into a sorrowful, pained grimace. "You must be tired of me telling you the same words over and over again." He let out a tiny empty laugh at that, evening the dirt on the grave.
"If I could turn back the time to where- I'd have not pushed you. I'm sorry."
Jaeyoon would never forgive himself.
He hung his head low, whispering "I miss you so much."