Work Text:
Cas can’t remember the last time he saw Dean this afraid. They have faced every evil imaginable, fought countless battles, even death, and yet the horror on his face in this moment is staggering. It almost makes Cas change his mind about what he has to do... Almost...
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean’s voice barely a whisper.
“Because it is,” Cas takes a watery breath,”I love you.”
It feels like freedom, Cas can feel the tears falling but he smiles. He can see the Empty open up behind Dean but he feels brave. It really was his happiness to just be; to acknowledge his true feelings for Dean.
Blackness oozes out of the wall; vaguely he hears Billy break the door in behind him. He reaches out to grip the other man’s shoulder, one last time.
“Goodbye Dean.” He shoves Dean to the floor and lets the Empty come. Like a python it surrounds his body and begins to squeeze.
It’s cold, Cas can feel the wings of fear fluttering in his heart. But he doesn’t let it show, not with Dean watching. He’ll only remember the love in his eyes and the smile on his face.
Everything goes dark....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cas is awake, but not really. Floating in and out of consciousness. It feels like weeks; it feels like seconds; it feels like millennia.
There’s nothing here. Untethered, his mind is free to wander. Many thoughts of his life, on earth and in Heaven, long forgotten. He remembers...
The taste of honey straight from a beehive.
The sight of Earth exploding into existence.
The sound of a thousand voices crying out at once.
The smell of a old leather jacket.
Dean...
And then he’s drifting off again...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BLINDING LIGHT
Cas slaps a hand over his eyes. He howls in pain. All his senses come flooding back and his mind feels like an exposed nerve.
Panting he slowly removes his hand and squints in the brightness. He’s in a room, it’s pure white. Almost an exact negative from the blackness of the Empty.
There are no doors or windows, but he can feel the presence of a enclosed space around him. He can feel the floor beneath him, solid and cool to the touch. He’s out of the Empty. But how?
“It was me.” A familiar voice from behind him.
Cas is on his knees, he turns to the younger man and slowly tries to stand. He struggles and falls.
“Jack...How?” Cas wheezes, voice weak from what feels like centuries of disuse.
“You don’t have to talk yet, the Empty drained so much from you. You should rest.” The boy reaches out and taps gently between Cas’s eyes. Before the angel can protest he’s falling under again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Cas wakes again, the room is darker. The light softened to his weak eyes. It’s warmer too, comforting. He looks around but doesn’t see Jack.
Was that even real? Was Jack here or was that the delusions of a mad man?
“I’m here.” The young man answers softly, once again behind him.
Cas turns, this time he can stand but he does so cautiously. This could be a trap; this could be the Empty or Chuck or something messing with him.
“It’s really me, no tricks.” Jack replies to Cas’s unspoken question. His hands resting behind his back.
Cas knows Jack is telling the truth, the boy is unfailingly honest especially to him. He looks around the room, still no indication of where they are or how Jack got them here.
“Jack, this isn’t earth. And it’s certainly not the Empty. Where are we? Where are Sam and Dean?”
Jack smiles softly, “I’m not surprised you don’t recognize it. It’s at its most true form. This is Heaven Castiel.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack walks beside him as they trek through a valley. The younger of the two men gazes all around. Observing the sights and sounds of the landscape. It’s beautiful here, the sky a brilliant blue, the air fragrant with a summer breeze.
“You did an amazing job Jack.” Cas can feel the pride shine through his words. But there is sorrow too. He’s so young; this is not the life he would have wished for his surrogate son.
“We did; I couldn’t have done any of this without you and your guidance.” Jack replies, looking fondly up at him.
Cas knows he’s grateful. In the beginning Jack didn’t know where to begin. He only knew he didn’t want to make the same mistakes as Chuck.
When Jack explained to him what happened to Chuck (and how he chose to pull Cas out of the Empty) at first he felt guilt. He never wanted Jack to have the burdens of his biological Father or his Grandfather.
But as the idea of creating a new Heaven grew in their minds, Cas felt more and more at ease with Jack’s decisions. And he thought little of his time back on earth.
It was better this way. Cas belonged in Heaven. He knew that Earth had been his home for some time, but he had said his goodbyes. It would do more harm to return.
He told himself these things; believed them to be true. But deep in his heart there was another truth. One he never allowed himself to dwell on.
He would trade all of Heaven and Earth to see Dean just one more time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
....can’t be happening.... can’t keep doing this
Cas looks up in shock, the book in his hands falls to the floor with an echoing thud. He looks around the library, none of its other occupants seemed to notice the voice or the disruption of his fallen book.
Cas knows that voice, recognizes the longing pouring out of it. Despair surrounding it in a heavy blanket.
He needs to go; but no sooner than he decides to walk, no run, out the library doors the feeling has vanished. Nothing; where a moment ago he felt torment and loss, now he feels nothing.
Dean’s longing is gone.
It pierces his heart like a blade.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Castiel’s suit is bothering him. Which, given his celestial location and lack of human pain receptors, should be damn near impossible.
But nevertheless it’s bothering him. It’s rough at the cuffs, it’s itching between his shoulder blades, it’s tight in his chest. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair.
Something snakes it’s ways across his skin, he shudders and closes his eyes.
... too many damn clothes
Cas’s eyes open wide, his hair follicles tingle, his heart thuds in his chest. Dean is calling to him again. But in a very different way.
... how much more I can take
Cas tries to stand but his legs betray him. A tidal wave of longing and arousal knocks him clear off his feet. Sweat has started to bead along his brow.
... what’s happening?
Cas doesn’t know, but Dean is calling not only to his mind but his physical being. This has never happened before! He can feel his cock twitch in his trousers. Cas lets out a groan. Something is building inside him. It roars up through his whole body and thunders in his head.
Oh fuck, Cas!
Cas’s body convulses in Heaven along with the Dean’s on earth. He can feel the orgasm rip through the other man’s body as clear as his own. Panting now he rests his head in his hands.
“What the hell was that?” Cas whispers to himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cas is sitting on a park bench, admiring the view of a pond. There are ducks swimming, frogs croaking , birds calling in the trees. The wind picks up and ruffles his dark hair.
He lets out a troubled sigh; things had quieted considerably since the last time Dean called to him. It shouldn’t hurt, Cas thinks. Dean was moving on. That was a good thing....Then why did Cas feels so blue?
... do you got your ears on?
His heart thrills, it’s Dean! He’s still praying.
... if you can hear... haven’t lost hope... I’ve thought a lot about... night you were taken...
He can feel Dean’s longing pulled tight like a bow string. It’s vibrating with grief.
“Oh no... no Dean.” Cas laments, he wants so badly to comfort him.
... want you to know... sorry I didn’t get the chance... please just come... don’t want to do this without you.
Cas starts off the bench at a run, if he hurries it can make it to Dean.
I love you.
Cas’s mouth falls open in disbelief. And then in a blink Dean’s gone again; Cas falters. He knows he could get to Dean. Knows that tracking him down will be a simple enough task. But he made a promise to himself. No more interference.
He sits down on the grass and watches the ducks. Guilt roaring in him like a hurricane.
He doesn’t know what to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dean’s calling him... again.
hear me...find some help....won’t stop... a way...I love you
And again...
...are you here...Sam’s idea...not feeling...a sign or something?
And again...
...still listening...you can hear me...
Dean’s sorrow consumes Cas. He feels the other man pray for Cas’s life. For hope he’s still alive. He feels the lament in his words, the determination to fight. Begging, pleading with Cas to come to him.
... love you, please...
But before the bond is severed Cas feels something else. A doubt creeps in; stabbing in his chest, pushing him down. He feels despair, regret, uncertainty, and ultimately an acceptance.
“Dean wants to die” he blinks. Tears that had gathered in his eyes fall and plop on his trench coat.
“I have to stop him. I have to save him.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He cannot find Jack anywhere! He’s searched every possible location, called to him mentally and physically. Nothing, Jack is nowhere. He may not even be in Heaven right now.
Cas knows he needs to go, Dean is calling to him again. Something about the first night they met. It’s not coming through clear, Cas can only pick up on the despair; and an undercurrent of guilt.
Dean’s decided something, something he knows is wrong. He’s saying goodbye.
“No no no no no...this is not good...” he mumbles.
I need to find Jack, I need to get to Dean!
Thunder rumbles and the sky above the valley grows dark.
...don’t even know if you want to listen...something to say...
...Wrong.... worth saving. Wrong...because of love.
Cas whirls around, Dean’s voice calling from every direction. The storm picks up and wind whips at his coat.
...never worth saving...
Lighting flashes and thunder rumbles louder. Dean’s words echoing in his head. He falls to his knees.
....should have been me.... gonna make it right.
Another gigantic boom, the storm feels like it’s right on top of Cas, another raging inside him.
He closes his eyes and cries out in anguish.
“JACK!!”
“I’m here.” A soft voice in front of him. Cas looks up in to his son’s eyes. They’re filled with concern. No doubt that he heard Cas’s screaming and carrying on.
“I heard Dean too, he’s calling me. He’s in pain.” Jack frowns, as if unsure of how to help.
“Jack I’m so sorry,” Cas pleads, rising to his feet. “But I have to go.”
“I...understand...not forever right?” His voice even more childlike than Cas can remember.
“Only if I’m not allowed to come back.” He reaches out a hand in a question. The younger man looks down at it and tilts his head. Then the implication of Cas’s words strike home.
“You, and those you love, will always be welcome here.” He smiles softly and takes his father’s hand.
The older man rises and pulls Jack into an embrace.
“Thank you.” He whispers.
And in a blink he’s vanished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cas arrives in the middle of a storm. He can see the barn shaking on its foundation ahead of him.
He breaks into a run for the door.
He can hear Dean wailing inside. Raging to Jack for help.
“JACK! Get your ass down here!” Dean screams echo through the night.
He reaches the door and swings it open wide. He sees the man he loves standing tall, defiant in the face of the death he wished for.
His heart soars. Everything he ever wanted, in all of time and space, is wrapped up in this beautiful human.
He’s finally home.
“Hello Dean.”
The End.