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How long has it been going on, Venti doesn't remember.
He remembered the time when he was singing in the tavern, voice echoing around as the patrons listened to his ballads. Of course, the song was about a certain crush. A crush that he will never admit. One of the patrons have mentioned that it sounded sorrowful, like a bird in a cage trying to be free.
Venti laughed, "In this free city, not everything you see is free." He ended with a wink and continued the song. The bar was quiet and the tune was resonating softly. After the song ended, there was an awkward silence. To ease the tension, Venti then questioned if they wanted to hear about the legends of Teyvat.
He would never mention how his chest was hurting, and his throat was clenching up in pain during the entire duration. It wasn't until the bar closed, that the bard ran out of the tavern in a hurry. Looking around, making sure that he wasn't seen by the public eyes, he ran outside of the city.
And then it happened.
Venti hunched over the lake and started to cough. He felt weird substances in his throat, and it was itching him really badly. The chest pains were there as well, but it wasn't as painful as before. It took Venti a few coughs for him to throw everything up into the lake. He huffed tiredly, wiping away his sweat and tears as he looked down towards the lake.
"...Huh?"
Petals. There were petals scattering around the lake.
His eyes widened in shock, unconsciously blowing away all the petals with his power. When Venti finally realized what he had done, he looked down at his hands and onto the lake that no longer had any flower petals on them. The wind blew softly around him as he stared at the empty lake. His tears flowed down his cheeks as he laughed to himself, his laughter lost in the wind.
Laying down on the ground tiredly, his eyes glanced towards a certain constellation. A frown appeared on his face as he tried to smile. He raised his hand to his face, forcing the edge of his lips to rise up. With a failed attempt to do so, the bard started to weep even more.
“Why… Out of everyone in Teyvat, why does it have to be you?”
-
He remembered the time where he was out walking with Aether. He was humming a tune that his old friend had taught him, as the traveler next to him suddenly waved towards a person and ran towards them. Through the edge of his eye, he could notice a faint green. Venti turned towards the figure, and he felt his chest tightening as his eyes widened.
Xiao was there, holding a glaze lily as he seemingly chose to ignore the calls.
But he couldn’t ignore any further, especially not when Paimon floated next to him. She asked him if he wanted any almond tofu since Aether had some leftovers, and Venti could see the yaksha’s eyes sparkle at the mention of his favorite dish. He chuckled to himself, skipping to the group.
“So, do you have any left for me?”
Venti said as he latched his arm around Xiao’s neck, and he felt a burden dispersed within him as the other didn’t push him away. Aether and Paimon just stared at him unanimously with a blank look, as the bard jumped off Xiao and mentioned how he could join the trio in their walk to Wangshu Inn, since it wasn’t that far away from where they were. Aether agreed with him, and looked at Xiao with anticipation in his eyes.
Xiao stepped back a few times as he looked away from them, and is that an embarrassed look that Venti saw? What had happened next was thrown behind Venti’s mind, as he only focused on the fact that Xiao felt embarrassed . Maybe it was because of how people had actually anticipated his presence around them, or maybe it was because of how Venti had just nonchalantly invited him to their small walk to the inn.
(Of course, it wouldn’t be the latter, for Venti had known that the yaksha had no romantic interest in him. Never in another thousand years. The pain in his chest intensified by the thoughts.)
No matter which one was it, Xiao still accompanied them with their little walk to the inn. Throughout the duration, Venti had done most of the talking. He spoke about his experiences in Fontaine, about his time in old Mondstadt with his old friend, about his conversation with the Tsaritsa. He didn’t care if Aether was nodding, and looking interested in his subject. He didn’t care if Xiao was actually interested in the topic. (Not that he knew, of course. The yaksha acted as if he was indifferent towards it.) He just wanted the pain to subside as soon as possible.
But as soon as they reached the inn, he knew he had to get out of here as soon as possible. The bard had simply made up a lie on the spot, and ran away from the group. He didn’t hear Aether calling out for him, nor did he see Xiao glancing at him anxiously. All he could think about is that he had to get away from the group.
A sense of déjà vu rose within Venti’s heart as he ran over to the bridge, after checking that there was no one around him. He coughed, and coughed, and coughed like there was no tomorrow. Failed at attempting to cover his mouth, he managed to hack out the content in his throat. Even if he already had a hint of what it was, the revelation still gave the bard a big shock when he removed his hand from his mouth.
Petals. There was a huge pile of petals on his hand.
Most importantly, he could recognize that the petals were of Liyue’s native flowers, Qingxin.
Venti blinked a few times, crushing the petals in his hand as he laughed softly. The laugh was forced out of him, in denial that he knew why this had happened. His eyes were wide open as he felt tears dropping onto his balled-up fist. The bard was lucky as there was no one around him to notice his breakdown, he didn’t want anyone to realize that he was in pain.
He was the carefree, and ever happy bard that everyone wanted for his performance after all. It’s just ironic that not a lot of people recognize him for the wind archon, even though his looks were the same as the huge statue in Mondstadt.
The rain started to pour heavily without any caution as Venti looked up towards the grey sky. His tears blending together with the raindrops as he desperately tried to smile, he also might have screamed out loud too. But the rain was too loud, it overpowered his voice. He didn’t mind. This was the only time he didn’t want to be noticed by anyone.
“If to love someone means to feel suffocated, then let me drown in a sea of flowers and never wake up.”
-
(But what he didn’t know was that a certain Yaksha ran after him. He noticed the archon’s breakdown. He noticed his shoulder shuddering. He noticed him. He didn’t notice the flowers though, as his back was facing towards him. He heard the pleas of the other’s heart even though he wasn’t supposed to.
He wasn’t sure if he should walk towards him, possibly giving him a hug. He wasn’t sure if he should talk to him about the situation. He wasn’t sure what to do. Frustrated in himself, he turned away from the bard.
He always knew what to do, but such mortal emotions brought his thought to a dead end.)
-
He remembered the time where he was so desperate for a cure, he went to a certain deaconess for help. She was quite popular for her songs, but no one should never forget how skilled she was in the medical industry as well.
“You’re wondering about Hanahaki, right? Hm… All the symptoms that you’ve described to me point towards that so I would assume you’re talking about Hanahaki.”
Barbara said as her assistant walked towards them, holding a tray with two cups of tea. Even though Venti wasn’t really a fan of tea, he still appreciated the kind gesture from them. He took his cup and bowed politely, but looked away when he noticed Barbara giving her a kiss to the forehead. Awkwardly drinking his tea, he decided to pretend that he didn’t hear the cute conversation between the couple in front of them.
“Wait, so about Hanahaki…”
That caught Venti’s attention as he finally turned back toward the two of them. The assistant, who he also remembered was called Ria, continued their sentence.
“If you were wondering about the outcome of the disease, the suffering ends when the love is returned. Or an even more painful way to end it is,
When the victim cannot believe that their beloved returns their love, they will die.”
His grip on the cup tightened as he heard the last sentence. That was followed by a playful smack given by Barbara to her lover, saying that they shouldn’t have mentioned the second part to him. She apologized to Venti, saying that she’s sorry for Ria’s harsh words. But unfortunately, she had confirmed what they said was correct.
The bard lowered his cup onto the table and just nodded as he stood up and walked towards the door. He heard the assistant calling out for him, saying that he hasn’t finished his cup of tea yet. Venti only smiled towards them and waved goodbye, closing the door behind him.
Leaning against the door he had just closed, he finally let out the first droplet of tears that he had tried to hold in the entire time. He quickly ran away from the church and to one of the more secluded alleyways. Venti’s breath quickened as he held his already fragile body against a wall. Then there it was, he felt the itch in his throat coming up to him again.
But this time it was accompanied by a weird iron taste in his mouth. His hand coming up to his mouth all too habitual to him, as he started to cough. It was painful, his throat was hurting. But Venti didn’t even care about the pain, he just wanted this to end. As it finally came to an end, he felt the weird moisture in his hand and looked down onto it.
Blood. There were blood on his hand. Some of the red liquid had even stained his clothes, and some dripped onto the cobalt street underneath him.
The bard started to tremble. Was it in shock? Was it in pain? Was it in disappointment? Venti decided that it was all three of them. He chuckled to himself, tears mixed together with the liquid on his hand. Has it already reached such a stage where he could not turn back?
His eyes turned towards the pile of flowers that he had thrown up, and noticed something that had never seen before. Even the type of flowers that he used to throw up were different as well.
Roses. The flowers had turned into roses. Not just that, it included the stems as well. Which means…
Out of realization, he started to feel the pain rising in his throat. He continued to hack, wanting to get the pain out of him, as soon as possible. He wanted something to drink, no. He needed something to drink. Anything to get the pain to stop as soon as possible. Venti’s legs shuddered as he continued to cough, dropping down onto the ground.
Not a while after, the bard finally was able to stop coughing and spit out the weird objects that had harmed the inner parts of his mouth. His eyes glanced down at the small pile that had gathered in his hand and let out a laugh that could only be described as maniacal. He should’ve seen this coming, he should’ve seen this coming for him when he had noticed the flowers were roses.
Of course there were thorns stuck inside his throat.
The laughter went silent after a short while as Venti decided to just stand up with his weak legs and walked further into the alleyway. He hit his back against the stonewall as he slid down, his hand pressing against his chest. He was lucky that no one had noticed him, and so he closed his eyes as he thought of a certain person in his mind.
“Maybe… Just, maybe… This is the way it’s supposed to be.”
-
He remembered the time where he wasn’t the one that asked Xiao if he wanted to meet up. But rather the opposite, where the yaksha had been the first one to invited him to have a conversation. This made him excited, he somehow felt the pain and the restraint in his chest subside. Does this mean that the flowers have somehow decided to stop bothering him with his emotions?
The answer was revealed as he arrived at the Moonlit Tree near Nantianmen in Liyue. The bard noticed how the yaksha was looking at it with a melancholic expression, but didn’t address it. As he stepped closer, trying to scare the other, but his failed attempt ended up with Xiao turning around while he summoned his spear.
“W-Woah. It’s just me, see?”
Venti raised his chin, in fear of the other possibly slitting his throat open with his weapon. (Though at this point, he didn’t really care anymore. If he could end the pain as quickly as possible, he didn’t mind if it was by the hands of the person he loved.) Lowering his spear, Xiao let out a huge sigh as he threw his weapon away, making it disperse into thin air. He then crossed his arm, gazing at the tree in front of him. His eyes seemed to focus into nothing, not before he glanced back at the bard with a serious look on him.
“Look, I’m not sure what’s wrong with you. But…”
He stepped closer to the bard, looking down at him from his height.
“Please... Stop screaming out for the person you wish to love to love you back. I have no idea who they are, but please stop.”
Xiao paused for a moment taking a deep breath.
“...It hurts to see you in pain.”
Venti's hands shook as he heard what Xiao had told him. His eyes wide open, and his lips trembling. He stared at the taller yaksha in front of his, he looked worried. Why is he worried? No, most importantly…
“Why do you feel hurt seeing me in pain?”
He noticed Xiao’s shoulder jerking after he asked the question. A sense of desperation and hope had risen within him, maybe… Just a small chance within his cold heart, he might have his love returned back to him. With such wishful thinking, he reduced the distance between them both, leaning towards the yaksha.
But the other only pushed him away, harshly as he stepped back away from Venti. His gesture made the bard panic, had he done something wrong? Had he thought too much about this? Had he went too far? The questions that he wanted to ask were stuck in his throat, as he felt the pain and itch rose up within his chest. His eyes started to water as he saw the other turning his back against Venti.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking about right now, but if you think I genuinely care about how you feel. Forget it. Quit dreaming in your fantasy.”
And with that, Xiao walked away. He didn’t explain why he felt hurt seeing Venti in pain, he didn’t express how he actually did care about what Venti was feeling, he didn’t say anything about how he heard Venti screaming for his name.
That left the bard standing underneath the moonlit tree, wind blowing around him softly as his hand held onto his chest harshly. Venti’s leg gave up, as he kneeled onto the ground, the flowers surrounding him seemingly gave way. Droplets of tears fell from his eyes as he stared into nothing in front of him, a few whimpers coming out of his throat.
Then it happened, just like all the times he had thought of the yaksha. Coughing painfully, throwing up all the substances in his chest, throat, Venti felt his limbs getting weaker and weaker. The grass underneath him was dyed red, and covered in roses. He wiped his mouth, flinching as he felt a painful scratch on the side of his lips.
Laughing at his own agony, he tried to stand up while he limped towards the small stream nearby. Finally able to wash the blood on his face away, the bard stared at his reflection on the river with a blank look on him. He noticed his own hollow eyes, and the tears that were still streaming down his cheeks. Such a miserable look on his face , he thought to himself as his hands went to scoop up the water and washed his mouth.
The blood on his hand, on his face, and in his mouth had turned the river red. But he didn’t care about it. Venti’s eyes glared down at the stream underneath him as he attempted to smile, pushing his lips upwards. The more he was trying to do it, the harder it was for him to forget what was going on in his mind.
Xiao was bothered by his scream for help. Xiao was bothered by the fact that he, an immortal, was falling in love. Xiao was bothered by his presence. Xiao was bothered by him .
“Come on, Venti just… Smile.. It’s not that hard right?!”
Venti silently screamed to himself, hands slapped the side of his face as he kept trying to show a genuine smile in the reflection. Tears started to flow once again in desperate attempts, his voice was sore, his saliva were dripping red from the blood that had gathered in his lungs. He didn’t care.
Laying face down at the grass behind him, he gave out a sigh that pained his chest. The bard curled up into a ball, wrapping his arms around the legs that have pressed themselves into his chest. His petite (and now, fragile) body shook as he cried into his knees, wailing loud in hopes that the yaksha would hear him again.
“Xiao… Why don’t you get it… It’s been you this entire time…”
-
Remember this. Remember that.
Forget it.
I don’t want to remember anything anymore.
It hurts just thinking about him, I don’t want to think about him anymore.
And yet, I don’t wish to forget about my feelings for him. Which is why I won’t go to Barbara for a surgical operation.
There’s no dying for us archons, I will simply vanish into thin air. Become one with the wind, as I silently protect him by his side. Which is why I will die alone underneath Venessa’s tree.
But why…
Why is he here? He shouldn’t be here.
Please, get away from me Xiao. I don’t want you to see me like this...
-
He panted, teleporting from tree to tree, walls to walls, and roofs to roofs. He needed to get there as soon as possible. Xiao heard it, he heard what Venti was screaming out. He finally heard it, how has he not gotten the memo before?
Gritting his teeth, anger boiling up in his chest towards himself, Xiao ran as quick as possible out of Liyue and into Mondstadt. His eyes darted around to see if he saw the archon around, anywhere. He thought Venti would be at the winery, but that shouldn’t be the case as it was too close to a mortal.
His feet took him to the big tree in Windrise, and that’s where he was shocked by the scenery in front of him. His usually stoic demeanour was shattered, as Xiao sprinted towards the field of dandelion in front of him. He felt tears spilling out at the edge of his eyes, he started to wish that he could be a little more honest with himself.
The yaksha stood in the field as he panically looked around for a certain bard. He heard a shuffle while he turned towards it, noting the extremely fragile person in front of him. Xiao stepped towards him, hands and legs trembling as he held the other in his arms while he kneels down.
Venti’s eyes were closed, there were petals sticking to his mouth. A pile of qingxin, cecilias and roses were around him. His clothes were stained red, along with the flowers around him. It smelled like blood, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it.
The body in his arms shifted as Xiao looked down at him with a concerned look on him. Venti’s eyes opened, and that’s when he noticed. That’s when he noticed the dark eye circles that had been forming on him ever since the last few times they’ve met. That’s when he noticed the tears that had been on his face so much, it left a stain on his face. That’s when he noticed the other’s chapped lips, and the scars at the edge of his lips.
“Xiao… What are you doing here?”
Venti’s voice was so soft but hoarse, he almost mistook them as the wind blowing around him. Xiao, still trying his best not to cry, cradled the bard in his chest. He felt a laugh from the other as he tried to push the yaksha away from him. Frowning, Xiao looked down at the other with a confused look. Wasn’t this what Venti wished for, for him to hold the other just for once?
“Xiao… I don’t know what you’re thinking about, I don’t know what you’ve heard from me.”
Venti whispered with a sigh, and hacked. Xiao noted the whole flower that came out of his mouth, it was distressing to see such a morbid situation happen to a person that he cared for so much. His hand went to take the qingxin that was obviously stained with blood, but Venti weakly shoved it away. He stared at the other who had started to cry, his delicate figure shivering in Xiao’s arms.
"I don't want to love you anymore. It hurts. It hurts too much."
Hearing the words coming out of the other’s mouth, he felt a pang in his heart. His hands holding the other even tighter, even with Venti’s attempt to push him away. He didn’t want to let go, he was afraid that something bad could happen to the other if he did. And that’s when he felt the other’s hand rising up to his cheeks, cupping it weakly. His fingers were cold, but it gave Xiao a sense of comfort.
“Xiao, I just want to… tell you something…”
The yaksha nodded, urging the other to continue his sentence. The bard smiled, and that was the most genuine smile he could’ve let out from the bottom of his heart in a very long while. Venti’s fingers were trembling, they were unable to hold up anymore longer. His breath was running out, and his lungs were failing him.
“I have never been able to tell you this, but loving you was the best decision I’ve ever made for myself.”
Silence befell around them, as Venti’s hand dropped weakly to his side. Xiao’s pupil dilated as his lips started to quiver.
“Venti…?”
His voice shook, feeling the body in his arms gradually getting colder. Xiao’s own body was shuddering in fear as he saw the other’s chest no longer show signs of breathing. His hands reached towards the other’s hand, holding it against his cheeks as he felt warm tears running down his cheeks.
“Barbatos please, this isn’t funny…”
Warm wind blew around him as the petals flew around the two of them. His eyes widened as he noticed that the other’s body slowly disappeared into nothing, leaving only a pair of flowers in his arms. Qingxin and Cecilia, the flowers that represented the two of them.
Holding the two flowers tightly against his chest, he started to scream in silence. The petals that flew around started to fall, as the rain poured heavily down against him. It washed away the blood that was on the grass, but not the sense of grievance in the yaksha’s heart.
“...If I were more honest to myself, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Xiao’s own whispers went unheard to him, went unheard to the world.
Most importantly, they went unheard to Venti.
They went unheard to the only person that Xiao had ever loved before.