Chapter Text
It’s Friday. Lan Wangji sits up in his bed at 5 o’clock. He hadn’t slept at all that night. His brain was working against him. Reminding him constantly what day it is today. He had feared this all year long, but at least ignoring something doesn’t stop time; what a shame. Today is the last day of the penultimate week of school. No matter how hard he tries- and he has a year worth of experience by now- he just can’t stop his stream of thoughts.
He had feared this moment since the first day. He knew it was coming. He saw the days passing by with no mercy. After today, he’ll have one more week seeing Wei Ying every day. One week of cheerful smiles and a honeysweet voice greeting him every morning before classes start. Five lunches. Six, if he counts today. But he doesn’t. He knows Wei Ying will probably be too busy to spare him the time. After all, he has a party to organize by tonight.
Lan Wangji glances at the clock on his desk. 5:30. He has spent the last 30 minutes worrying over what? Time? Yes, the time he has left with Wei Wuxian before everything ends. He needs to tell him how he feels. How? He gets out of bed and walks into his bathroom, takes off his pyjamas. He looks himself in the mirror. Suddenly, it comes back to him. The reason why he has never confessed to Wei Ying. How could he ever like Lan Wangji like that? He sighs while turning away and enters the shower at 5:40.
He knows he has plenty of time before school, but he needs to think. He needs to prepare himself for rejection. While the freezing water runs down his body, Lan Wangji cries. He doesn’t want to see Wei Ying laughing uncomfortably at his confession. He doesn’t want to see Wei Ying trying to find the words to tell him that they are just friends without hurting his feelings. His mind goes to the darkest place and he can’t do anything to prevent it from happening.
After 15 minutes, he gives up. There’s nothing he can do about it. He can’t force Wei Ying to love him back. Even if he could, he wouldn’t do it. Lan Wangji sighs and turns the water off. As soon as he’s out of the shower he forces himself to regain his normal composure before starting his meticulous morning routine. All his products are right there on the shelf to grant easy access. He stares for a little while, thinking of how Wei Ying always appreciates how nice he smells.
Since today is a special day, he decides to put just one more drop of sandalwood oil in his moisturiser. Without even realizing it, Lan Wangji smiles at the memory of Wei Ying touching his neck, Wei Ying’s nose caressing a sensitive spot, inhaling deeply. How nice it feels sensing Wei Ying’s smile against his skin before actually seeing it. How beautiful Wei Ying looks smiling like that, like he’s just found peace. It’s the first time Lan Wangji smiles that year.
While Lan Wangji is doing his morning self-care routine, Wei Ying is trying to ignore Jiang Cheng screaming at him to get out of the bathroom. He has 10 minutes and he’s been in there for just two. He speeds up his morning hygiene however. God, must Jiang Cheng always be this insufferable? Wei Ying doesn’t know what happened this year to make his little brother so fucking angry at him, all the time. He tries to ignore Jiang Cheng’s slander and thinks of lunch with Lan Wangji.
He’s washing his hair with his special shampoo that smells like lavender and lotus. He loves it, but, most importantly, Lan Wangji likes the smell. Wei Ying had found this out when Lan Wangji got drunk at his birthday. He took his ‘ best friend’ home and Lan Wangji had hugged him tight in front of his house, sniffing his hair and said:
“I love this new shampoo, what’s its fragrance?”
He then proceeded to rush to the door, leaving Wei Ying behind. Stunned, he panicked the entire night remembering how Lan Wangji said he LOVED the fragrance. He used love. Not his usual: like, appreciate, tolerate. He had loved something about Wei Ying. Well, not exactly something about Wei Ying, but still. He runs through his morning routine and exits the bathroom fully dressed in his uniform after only seven minutes. As soon as he’s out, his shidi rolls his eyes and goes in, snorting. Wei Ying just murmurs “The fuck is wrong with you?”.
He hasn’t the time to think about Jiang Cheng, his phone starts ringing and he smiles seeing who’s calling him. He runs out of the house, phone ringing and hair loose. The first thing that he sees is Lan Wangji’s car. He smiles brightly, ignoring the voices in his head reminding him of how many days he has left with his crush. He will not cry when he still has six days and a party. He will not let Lan Wangji see him sad. Wei Ying knows too well that he has annoyed Lan Wangji into this friendship, he can’t ask for more.
He walks fast to the car, but doesn’t run. As he opens the door, he’s hit by the signature fragrance of sandalwood. He jumps at Lan Zhan’s neck and inhales deeply while he hugs his best friend. Wei Ying smiles, he’s happy. He will miss doing this every single day when they... He stops himself from finishing the thought and inhales again. He feels calmer now, ready to speak without bursting in tears. He lets Lan Zhan go and smiles at him.
“Goodmorning Lan Zhan! Can we grab breakfast before we go to school?”
“Of course, Wei Ying”
Lan Zhan stares at that smile for a few seconds before he starts the car. He checks the time, they have roughly an hour. He decides to go to Wei Ying’s favourite café, the one that serves his favourite hot chili chocolate and espresso. He has never understood Wei Ying’s love for coffee and spicy food, but he knows those are things that make his soulmate smile brightly, and he wants to see as many smiles as possible before next Friday. On the road Wei Ying puts the playlist he has made for Lan Zhan. They share a comfortable silence, lost in their thoughts.
*
They sit at the table in the corner next to the window. Wei Ying always says that this is the best spot. It has, in fact, an amazing view of the park that Lan Zhan would never have noticed if Wei Ying hadn’t shown him. Lan Zhan gets their order: an espresso, a hot chili chocolate and a croissant for Wei Ying; a green tea for himself. It is a comfortable routine. Having breakfast with each other before school. They’ll both miss it, but neither of them dares say it out loud.
While they eat, Wei Ying talks about the plans for the party. He’s almost done planning Lan Zhan’s surprise. He looks so happy about the party he has planned with Nie Huaisang. Seeing Wei Ying chatting and smiling like nothing’s wrong makes Lan Zhan’s heart ache. It’s like he misses him already and for Wei Ying this is clearly not a big deal. He knows it’s unfair and cruel to want Wei Ying to suffer, but Lan Zhan would like to know he’s hurting too, that he’s not the only one feeling like his heart is going to get ripped out of his chest in a week. He’s so lost in his thoughts that he almost misses Wei Ying’s question.
“Are you free for lunch? I’d love to spend some time with you before the party. I know you don’t like parties and crowds and alcohol. You’re only going because I’m throwing it and you’ll probably stay just for a little while and go home... so, I thought maybe we could have lunch together. Just you and me. If you’re not busy. I mean, I know you have...”
Lan Zhan knows Wei Ying is rambling. He must be nervous about last minute problems or some unresolved task for tonight. He can’t possibly be nervous about asking Lan Zhan to have lunch with him. They have lunch together since they met each other (or since Wei Ying said he wanted to be Lan Zhan’s friend after two days of bothering him). Lan Zhan stops Wei Ying from drowning any further.
“I’d love to have lunch with Wei Ying, but I thought you would not have the time”
He can feel his ears reddening while he says this. Then he sees Wei Ying smile. That smile always takes his breath away. In the blink of an eye Wei Ying is inches apart from him. So close, Lan Zhan could kiss him, but he can’t move. Wei Ying gets closer to his ear and whispers.
“I always have time for you, Lan Zhan.”
After that he returns to his seat and starts gathering his things. They must go or they’ll be late for school. Lan Zhan gets his backpack and walks out of the café right next to Wei Ying. On the way out, he hears a girl saying they are a lovely couple. Oh, how he wishes they were a couple, then he could grab Wei Ying’s hand instead of just walking awkwardly next to him. Still, he would never complain, this is all Wei Ying is offering him and he will take it.
*
The rest of the day goes by smoothly. They have lunch together and Wei Ying is uncharacteristically silent. When Lan Zhan’s classes are over, he goes to the library to wait. He knows Wei Ying still has one hour left of archery in his schedule. He’s reading a book about music history when he gets a text. He doesn’t stop reading. He’s sure it can’t be from Wei Ying, after all he’s busy shooting arrows. How could he have written a text to Lan Zhan. By the time he’s done he has forgotten about it.
Lan Zhan returns the book to his place, and goes to the locker room. He always waits for Wei Ying there so he can give him a ride back home. He walks slowly through the hallways of the school. There’s still 15 minutes of training, Wei Wuxian needs to shower and get changed. No need to hurry. Lan Zhan hums quietly the music he’s listening to, a recording of the duet he made with Wei Ying last week. Should he tell Wei Ying he has composed this music for him? He pushes the thought at the back of his brain, because he knows that no matter how much he thinks about it he has no courage to tell him that. He has no courage to show Wei Ying the song title.
After five minutes navigating the familiar path, he arrives at the entrance of the locker room. Ready to wait 15 minutes for Wei Ying to exit. After 4 years of waiting for Wei Ying three times a week without fault, he still feels anxious for the moment the boy will run out the door and smile at him, knowing he will always be there. He has no reason to believe this time will be any different. The record ends, and Lan Zhan pauses his playlist. He has time to listen to their song three more times, before Wei Ying arrives. He decides against it. He doesn’t want to miss him calling out his name.
He regrets his decision a few minutes later, when he sees Wei Ying exiting the locker room. For the first time he is not alone. Lan Zhan thinks that’s expected. Wei Ying is social, befriends everybody he meets, of course he has friends in the archery team. What is definitely not okay is how close he seems to be with this boy. He exits the room with his left arm wrapped around Wen Ning shoulders, the boy is resting his head on Wei Ying’s shoulder, the other hand clinging to his T-shirt. They’re both smiling. When he sees the scene before his eyes, Lan Zhan wants to run, hide, scream. A dreadful thought getting louder by the second: I’m too late, he has found someone else.
Against his own will, Lan Zhan finds himself routed to the spot. He cannot move. He cannot look away. Wei Ying is smiling at Wen Ning; Lan Zhan tries to repeat to himself that they’re just friends. He knows Wei Ying treats him like a son, there’s no need to be jealous. And yet, here he is, wishing sweet Wen Ning to vanish from existence just because he’s hugging Wei Ying like he owns him. Wei Ying’s laugh takes Lan Zhan back to reality. Those beautiful grey eyes haven’t spotted him yet, so he decides to stand still and listen to the conversation.
“Wei-gongzi, thank you. Without your help, Jiejie and I would be homeless. Thank you so much!”
Wei Ying smiles bright, while he cards his fingers through Wen Ning long locks. He looks at the boy so lovingly it makes Lan Zhan’s heart skip a beat or two. As if this wasn’t painful enough, a silhouette passes right next to him. He sees the person throwing themselves into Wei Ying’s waiting embrace. Then he hears the familiar voice of Wen Qing saying one single sentence, that shatters his entire world and makes him regret being there to witness this. She says in an unusual sweet tone.
“Wei Wuxian, you’re the best boy friend ever!”
Boyfriend? When did Wei Ying start dating Wen Qing? Why didn’t he tell Lan Zhan about it? Were they not best friends? Lan Zhan could no longer control his thought, nor the tears streaming down his gorgeous gold eyes. He turns around, heartbroken, and walks away as fast as he can, trying to avoid catching the trio’s attention. He barely registers Wei Ying calling his name. For the first time since they’ve known each other, Lan Zhan ignores Wei Ying and keeps walking. He needs to get out of there, before the image of Wei Ying hugging the Wen siblings is carved permanently in his mind.
When he finally reaches his car, he lets go. Sitting alone and hugging the wheel, Lan Zhan lets his emotion take control for the first time in his life. He cries until he has no tears left to shed. He cries until his car is the only one in the parking lot. He cries until he accepts the excruciating reality he has just witnessed. He cries until his eyes are no longer clouded by the tears. Then he hears his phone ring. His brother is calling. He doesn’t pick up, Lan Huan will be able to tell he just spent the last four hours in his car crying. He will know the reason why. Lan Zhan knows he’s not ready to talk about it.
He sighs, unblocking the screen (boy, does he need to change this wallpaper fast? Yes, faster than the speed of light or he will tear up every time he uses his smartphone), he sends a text to Lan Xichen, so he doesn’t worry about his well being. And then he notices there are messages from Wei Ying. A lot of them. He opens against all of his self-preservation instincts. A deep breath and then he’s reading all of them
“Lan Zhaaaaaaaan”
“Zhan Zhan”
“Bunny”
Reading this Lan Zhan stops breathing. Tears running down his cheeks once again. How can he not get the wrong impression, when Wei Ying calls him pet names all the time? How could he not let his imagination run free? How could he not hope Wei Ying feels the same for him? Well, after he saw Wen Qing hugging Wei Ying, calling him boyfriend , that hope is gone for good. He should have followed his Uncle’s rules and controlled his feelings. But he knows he couldn’t control his racing heartbeat every time Wei Ying smiled, even if he tried to. It was useless work. He smiles fondly at Wei Ying’s profile picture and keeps reading.
“No need to wait for me today”
“I’ll help the Wens with their moving”
“Then I’ll go to Nie Huaisang’s”
“You know”
“Final touches before my (NOT) party”
“Hahahahahaha”
“Oh, I need to get Emperor’s Smile”
“LAN ZHAAAAAAAN”
“Please, baby, talk to me”
“R u alright?”
“Well...”
“I’m gonna go practice so I can kill that stupid peacock”
“Talk to u later sweetheart”
And then Lan Zhan sees the last two texts. The first was sent shortly after his shameful retreat. It makes Lan Zhan’s heart break a little more.
“Why did u run away? Did I do something wrong baby? ;( "
The very last one arrived a few minutes ago. It sparks a dangerous feeling of hope in Lan Zhan’s chest. A feeling he cannot afford with the knowledge he possesses right now. Nonetheless, he knows it’s a lost battle and so he smiles despite his best judgments. Hopes against all hope. He reads it out loud, imagining Wei Ying’s voice reaching his ear.
“We’ll talk at the party. I need to know what I’ve done to make you sad so I can fix it. You promised to be there.”
Lan Zhan stays in his car for an extra 10 minutes. He had, indeed, promised Wei Ying he would attend the party. However, that was before he knew Wei Ying already has a girlfriend. He thinks at his carefully planned confession. It was supposed to happen tonight. Well, that’s in the past now. Still, Lan Zhan made a promise and he was not about to go back on his word. Never happened before, and certainly won’t start by breaking a promise made to Wei Ying.
He puts on some music to help him concentrate on the road, then starts the engine of his car and proceeds to exit the now empty parking lot. It’s a quick drive from the school to his house. Lan Zhan manages to keep his focus on the road. He arrives at home at 8 pm. He sighs and buys some time, hiding from his brother in the car. He knows their uncle is still out of town for business. Painfully aware of how unprepared he is to face Lan Xichen, he enters the residence. Their house is big enough to hope he won’t see his brother until it is time to go to the party. However, luck is not on his side today. As soon as he enters his house, he’s immediately greeted by his older brother’s worried eyes.
They know each other better than they would like to. Lan Zhan simply nods, gives his best ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ look and goes to his room. He locks himself in it, to avoid Lan Xichen. Then he starts to undo his backpack. Books on the shelf. Pencil case in the first drawer of his desk. Notebooks neatly piled on the desk. The routine of organizing his school supplies brings him some needed comfort. When he’s done with the task, he opens his closet. Backpack neatly placed in his place, next to all of the others bags.
He contemplates his clothes for a while. A blinding and unattractive mixture of whites and baby blues. He feels an irrational need to be mean. It scares him, but he gives in. It's out of character for him to give way to such dark feelings. He doesn’t care. Lan Zhan purposely chooses an outfit he knows will attract Wei Ying’s attention. He picks a pair of white skinny jeans. High-waist. Wei Ying had said they make his thighs look great every single time he had put them on. The last time he even asked if he could touch, blushing. He then looks for a specific shirt that was handmade. A tasteful gift from Wei Ying for his last birthday.
He smiles, remembering how he was frustrated because he got rid of his silk shirts when he became vegan. He loved them so much. One in particular was in his best friend’s closet. Wei Ying wanted it so much that Lan Zhan gave it to him, a little sad. Little did he know, Wei Ying would see one identical in soy silk. Back then, he knew nothing about it, not even that soy silk existed or that there were vegan fabrics. But Wei Ying had studied all about it and had learned how to sew to make him a replica of his favourite shirt. The only difference being the colour, the one he gave Wei Ying was off-white, the one he got was a lovely baby blue.
When he finally finds the gift, still in the box Wei Ying used to wrap it, he remembers Wei Ying’s voice in his ear at the end of the “party”. He said it was a gift for the both of them, since that shirt highlighted Lan Zhan’s chest perfectly. Lan Zhan places the outfit neatly on the bed. He doesn’t need to iron anything. ‘Good’, he thinks while he enters his bathroom. He has an hour to get ready and so, he decides to indulge himself with a bath. He sets everything as usual. After everything is ready, he drops a few more drops of Sandalwood essential oil in the bath. ‘ Your smell is intoxicating Lan Zhan’ . He will put an extra drop in his body moisturizer tonight.
Lan Zhan hits play on their playlist and relaxes in the bath for 20 minutes. He washes his hair, tries to card his fingers through the undercut the way Wei Ying does it. Fails and resigns to just wash it. When their song ends, he forces himself to leave the bath and get ready. Every detail of his look tonight is for Wei Ying. Lan Zhan selfishly wants him to reconsider, to date him instead of Wen Qing. He stops his bitter thoughts as soon as he’s dry. He combs his hair thinking ‘when did this happen?’ . He uses his hair dryer on autopilot, ‘when did they start dating?’.
Lan Zhan secures his hair in a high bun ‘ Lan Er-Gege, you’re irresistible with your hair in a bun. Your neck is inviting’. Lan Zhan looks at himself in the mirror with an eerie smile. Hair done, it’s time for his body lotion. Two extra drops of sandalwood. For Wei Ying. He travels his hands -full of lotion and extra essential oil- all over his body; the ghost of Wei Wuxian touches all over him. ‘ Lan Zhan, you look so strong. Can you hold me up?’. Lan Zhan keeps spreading the lotion on his arms, completely lost in his thoughts.
The last day of summer, when they took the photo that has been Lan Zhan’s wallpaper ever since. Lan Zhan remembers holding Wei Ying’s thighs, Wei Ying’s legs around his waist, his arms around Lan Zhan’s neck. Wei Ying’s red ribbon securing his long hair in a high ponytail, swinging with the ocean breeze. He remembers Wei Ying’s laugh vibrating in his bones. An angry Jiang Cheng snapping a photo of them and yelling at Wei Ying: “I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU STAND HIM, WANGJI!”. Wei Ying tightening his grip before kindly asking Lan Zhan to put him down. They had set matching wallpapers on their phones right there at the beach, during the most beautiful sunset ever.
Lan Zhan picks his make-up. He doesn’t wear it usually, doesn’t feel the need to. His skin is flawless- a courtesy of genetics, a healthy diet, hydration and a rigid skin care routine. The party is a special occasion and deserves make-up. A touch of concealer. Nude eyeshadow, shiny. Eyeliner. Mascara. Rainbow highlighter. ‘ Lan er-gege looks like a god when he wears make-up. I like it’. He smiles at his reflection, pleased with the result.
He goes to his bedroom and starts dressing. When he’s dressed, he adds some silver jewelry as a final touch: rings, a bracelet on his left wrist, the bunny earrings, a delicate necklace. Perfect. As soon as he’s done, he checks the time. He still has 10 minutes left, but he goes to the living room to meet his brother. Lan Xichen, bless his soul, doesn’t ask him any questions, even if the concerned look has not yet left his face. He silently takes his keys and puts his shoes on. Lan Zhan is silently thankful for his brother’s behaviour today. He sits right next to him and calmly puts his white all stars on. They leave their house in a comfortable silence despite Lan Xichen’s concerns and Lan Zhan’s broken heart.