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It’s dark. Keonhee doesn’t like the dark, he’s not afraid of it but he gets lonely and cold and the dark always makes him feel worse. He’s not sure how much worse he could feel right now, he stares at the time slowly passing on the alarm clock by his bedside and scowls at his inability to get rid of the thoughts inside his head keeping him awake. He sits up, glaring at the door and shivering in his thin pajamas. He sighs and gets out of bed, walks to his closet and puts on sweats and a hoodie because it’s already fall and bound to be chilly at this time of night. He tries his best not to make any loud noises as he opens his bedroom door to sneak out into the living area to put on his shoes, but he trips over a shoe Dongju has left by the bathroom door nearby and Keonhee vows to strangle him once Geonhak isn’t by his side as he picks himself up off the ground.
“You okay?” A voice whispers and Keonhee can’t hold back the swear that leaves his lips, hoping he could have left without anyone noticing tonight. He dares to look at Youngjo, who he can already tell is the one also awake at this time by the sound of the voice he’s been eagerly listening to all these years, and thinks to himself that he has literally the worst luck for him of all people to catch him sneaking out. Keonhee avoids his eyes as he assures him he’s fine with a nod and walks to the area they take their shoes off, hoping that if he fakes confidence there won’t be any need to ask where he’s going or why. It’s the why that matters, because Keonhee doesn’t know where he’s going really. It’s almost two in the morning and he just wants to leave the dorm, a setting that feels suffocating with everything he’s got settled in his pressured mind.
“Where are you going?”
“Convenience store.” Keonhee answers casually. They’re speaking in hushed voices so the others don’t wake. He slips his shoes on and puts his hand on the doorknob of the front door when he feels Youngjo’s hand on his wrist and brings his brows together in frustration. “It’s really cold out, wear a jacket.”
“I have my hoodie.”
“It’s not enough. The weather’s been showing really low temperatures at night lately. Don’t get sick.”
“I won’t get sick.” Keonhee moves his wrist gently, but the movement makes Youngjo frown.
“Something is wrong, Hee.” Youngjo says calmly, watching him with analyzing eyes. Something hot flares inside Keonhee’s throat and he glares at his friend.
“Can I not just take a walk?” Keonhee snaps, voice getting a little too loud for the time. Youngjo’s eyes don’t move, but he looks sadder. Keonhee feels guilt settle in the bottom of his stomach. He knows Youngjo just worries. He’s right to be worried right now, but Keonhee doesn’t want it. “I just got hungry.”
“You weren’t sleeping?”
“No, I couldn’t fall asleep.” This is true. “Because I’m starving.” This is not. Keonhee turns back to the door, twisting the knob and slowly opening the door.
“I’ll come with you. Let me grab a coat.” Younjo turns to go back to his room before Keonhee can say anything and the younger man closes the front door once more, slapping a hand to his face. He knows that Youngjo isn’t dense, not like this. He’s doing it on purpose. The man toes off his shoes once more and starts walking back to his room, when he notices Youngjo standing in his doorway waiting expectantly. He tips his head towards the entryway in a question, and Keonhee’s wall breaks, if only a little. He walks inside Youngjo’s bedroom and his cheeks flush as he’s reminded of the night a few months back where they confessed to things that didn’t lead anywhere after. Both of them were unsure of a relationship right now, inside the group when they were still a new group - and maybe both were a little afraid of not being good enough. This was one of the many things plaguing Keonhee’s mind now. That same warm lamp is lit on Youngjo’s table and Keonhee wonders if he’ll sleep inside his bed with him tonight like back then, thinks it might be the only thing to get him to fall asleep at all. “You didn’t even finish dinner because you were full.”
“I could be hungry,” Keonhee mumbles.
“Do you want me to make something?” Keonhee knows Youngjo is serious, that he won’t blink an eye at cooking for him at two in the morning despite the tiredness he can see in the older eyes.
“No,” he sighs. He sits on Youngjo’s bed, smoothing the blankets nervously as the room stays silent. “I don’t want to start.”
“I don’t know what else to ask, Keonhee. What’s wrong?” Youngjo leans on the desk next to the bed, looking at Keonhee with his worried eyes. Keonhee curls his legs up onto the bed, holding his knees to his chest and hiding the tremors that run through him suddenly thinking of letting loose all these anxieties and insecurities. He wants to talk. He doesn’t want to. He just wants it all to stop for a little. He’s so tired lately, exhausted physically and emotionally but there’s nothing he can do about it. No matter how much he sleeps it doesn’t go away.
“I want to see my family.” He says out loud, the thought occurring to him. Youngjo bites his lip in thought, crossing his arms over his chest. “I know I can’t even think about taking a break right now.”
“Why? If you need a break, you should take a break. The company can afford to give you a week or so to visit family. We’re not promoting much now, you won’t miss anything.” Keonhee can see the plans Youngjo is writing in his mind, marking a time to talk to their manager for Keonhee’s sake and setting aside time to make up for the absences in training and practice. Keonhee smiles. Youngjo has always been too good.
“I’m not going, Jo.” He says with a smile, to reassure him it’s said with levity and not disdain.
“No, really I can-”
“I’ll talk to the manager myself if I decide to do it.” Keonhee pats the spot next to him. “Sit with me. You look like you’re leaning over.” Youngjo sits next to him gratefully, he doesn’t bother putting space between them, his thighs touching Keonhee’s feet resting on the edge of the bed. There’s a tension between them since that night, more than their attraction or need. They’re both hiding all the feelings fighting to get out, and Keonhee starts to wonder if there’s even a good reason why.
“You hate asking the managers for things.”
“We all have to do things we hate sometimes.” Youngjo groans, falling back onto his bed with his hands over his eyes as the frown comes back. Keonhee watches the bottom half of his face, trying to remember what their lips meeting felt like - wondering what would happen if he just felt them again to make sure.
“You’re telling me. This diet is driving me insane.”
“Management doesn’t know what they’re talking about. You don’t need to lose any weight.” Keonhee thinks Youngjo looks perfect, though management is pushing him to build his body more like Gunhak - and Youngjo likes exercising but the strict control in his food intake is making him irritable and pouty most days.
“Thanks, Hee.” Youngjo lifts his hands and looks at him with a smile. Keonhee feels his heart speed up. They look at each other for too long to be normal, Youngjo’s smile slowly falling. “Talk to me.”
“Do you ever think about quitting?” Keonhee blurts out. There it is. It’s not that he’s genuinely thought about it, never gone as far as to consider how he’d go about doing it but on the days he’s reminded of the days of youth put into this, the constant ache from practice - the constant consideration of cameras.
“Sure.” Youngjo looks at his ceiling. “I think we all do, sometimes. In passing.”
“Yeah.” Keonhee breathes, already feeling better from lifting that brick off his chest. “Just recently the thoughts don’t pass as fast.”
“Of quitting?” He looks at Keonhee again, brows furrowed.
“All of them.” Keonhee sinks his face into his thighs, holding back a sob as tears fall. Tension in his own body breaking and the heavy feeling in his heart rising out of his throat. “I’m not good enough. I’m ugly. I should have gone to college for something useful. I’m going to let my parents down.” He lists off the myriad of negative thoughts circling his brain, pointing at him and sneering with high screeches. He feels arms pulling him away from himself, dragging him back onto the bed and onto a more solid plane. When Keonhee looks back with teary eyes, he realizes Youngjo has laid him on his own chest and is rubbing his fingers into his sides gently. The feeling makes his mind go blank, no negative thoughts to be found anymore - only thoughts of him, why they didn’t make it work like they thought they were going to. Keonhee thinks of the morning they woke up, looking at each other with soft eyes before they changed into something else. Before they both got up and Keonhee went to his room like he didn’t cuddle with Youngjo all night, like they didn’t open themselves up and share a kiss that Keonhee hasn’t stopped thinking about since even though it lasted mere seconds. “Why didn’t we-”
“I don’t know.” Youngjo whispers to him, bringing his other hand to his face and rubbing his cheekbones. “If you’re ugly, Aphrodite must have been hideous.”
“You’re cheesy.” Keonhee laughs, making a strange sound as his throat catches on a sob still stuck inside.
“When am I not?”
“Points have been made.” Keonhee relaxes into Youngjo, letting his head nuzzle under the older’s chin and putting his hand on his chest. He can feel his heartbeat, it’s going just as fast as Keonhee’s. He knows it’s not one-sided, that they both pulled away. “It’s scary.”
“What is?” Youngjo’s hand is running through Keonhee’s hair, stroking him like a cat in his lap.
“Being together, when the whole world is watching.” There’s a silence, both of them soaking that in - knowing that’s the biggest reason here. If they let themselves fall in love fully, if they kiss, sleep together and wake up to each other - if they care for one another more than they already do - who couldn’t see? It was a matter of time. It was so much to risk.
“Maybe,” Youngjo starts, pausing like he’s changed his mind but Keonhee lifts his head and looks at him directly in the eyes, facing him closely “maybe we’re worth the risk.” Keonhee watches Youngjo’s eyes fall to his lips and the younger returns the action. They barely register how they move in closer, barely recognize who starts it - though they argue about it later when they feel like it - before their lips are moving against one another and they’re falling sideways to lay on top of each other more comfortably. Keonhee pins Youngjo to his own bed, hands on his shoulders as he kisses deeply - not wanting this kiss to be like the last. He wants to know Youngjo, wants to be able to trace it in his mind after if it’s the last time this time. If when they pull back, they decide it really isn’t worth it after all. If he sleeps in his bed, and the morning is the same as the one that broke both their hearts so subtly they didn’t let themselves feel it until right now. Youngjo’s tongue is dipping against Keonhee’s, their kiss no longer having any innocent pretense and Keonhee lets out a breathy moan.
They pull apart, breathing harshly and looking into each other’s eyes, Keonhee thinks he might not make it if Youngjo gets up now, thinks his heart will break in two right here and he’ll never be able to put it back together quite the same. They don’t say anything else. They pull back together, with hands pulling at clothes - pulling at each other. Keonhee doesn’t think about what it means, just revels in the feeling of Youngjo’s body against his as they bring out sounds from each other’s mouths with the movement of their bodies. The skin on skin, the softness of their lips, and that same warm lamp makes it all feel more surreal than anything Keonhee could imagine in a daydream. When they’re spent, Youngjo changing his sheets and getting new blankets - Keonhee wonders if he should put his clothes back on and go to his room now rather than in the morning, rather than waking up like he keeps imagining every morning - seeing Youngjo’s face next to his and knowing he’s being pulled away again. He’s lost deep in his own mind, when Youngjo pulls him back into his form again - cuddling him as the big spoon and kissing his shoulder.
“Get some sleep, Hee.” Keonhee memorizes the deep, tired timber of his voice after a night of lust, tamps down the sadness of wondering who else will hear it after him, and falls asleep inside Youngjo’s warm arms with a smile on his face he’s sure won’t be there when he wakes.
When they wake, it’s later than either usually wake and the sun is high. They have the day off. Keonhee opens his eyes, to find Youngjo already looking at him and he’s well aware of how naked they both are. He stays still as a stone, afraid moving at all will break this moment and they’ll have to get back to pretending they aren’t already in love. Youngjo moves, breaks it.
“I’ll get back-” Keonhee can’t finish his sentence as Youngjo pulls him into another kiss like last night, lips pushing incessantly against his as his hands hold his chin and body close to his. Keonhee gasps into it, mostly out of surprise.
“Don’t.” Youngjo breathes when they pull apart. Keonhee’s heart bursts open, all the love pressed down and down into the recesses flowing out, being claimed by the man in front of him.
Keonhee’s eyes are glazed, eyelids heavy with content - lost in the feeling of Youngjo pulling him closer against him when it’s morning - when they can hear the young ones in the kitchen pouring cereal. “Sorry,” he says, already pulling Youngjo in for another kiss “morning breath.”