Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Deidara’s POV
You're a warrior, you can do this
July 2019
No, he didn't storm out of the apartment. Nor had he slammed the door so hard that the walls shook. I didn't dare open the door and shout obscenities at him: "That's it, go away, you coward! Anyway, I never loved you! "My pride had not gotten the better of my true feelings enough to stop myself from pursuing him. I hadn't collapsed on the couch and burst into tears. I didn't get drunk on whiskey just to threw it all up on the stairs. I hadn't spent the next two weeks letting myself die little by little in my shabby apartment. It wasn't the lack of him that drove me crazy. The lack of his body, his lips, his hands, him. No matter how hard I tried to forget him, it remained impossible.
August 2019
It’s only after one month that I managed to get out of bed and drink something other than alcohol. Looking at myself in the mirror, my reflection shocked me. My long blond hair is messy and extremely greasy. You could see the shape of my ribs through the red sweater I’ve been wearing for a whole week now. I ate very little per day, close to nothing. I am weak and disgusting. I let myself slide on the wall behind me, holding my head between my hands. My eyes fill up with tears. "Why did I do that? How can someone be so stupid?" I put my hands over my face and scream into them, as loud as I can. I hear my upstairs neighbor hitting the floor with his foot, screaming at me to "Shut the fuck up". I look up and throw a finger at the ceiling. "Fuck off.", I say under my breath. I wipe my tears away with the edge of my sleeve and stares at my hands. All I can hear is my loud breathing, echoing in my head.
I can’t take it anymore; it’s tonight or never. I have to see him, talk to him at least. Even if he rejects me and tells me to leave his life forever. I get up and face myself one more time in the mirror. I laugh at my reflection. I look so dumb and just horrible, really. I grab my keys and my phone on the counter and get out of my apartment for the first time in what had seemed forever. I close the door and lock it. My hands are shaking, I barely get the key in and out of the lock. I get to my car, seeing my reflection in the window. What the hell am I doing? I still grab the handle and open the door. I let a shaky sigh pass between my lips before getting in and sit in the driver seat. I slide my hands on the wheel, desperately trying to get them to shake less. I sigh again, letting my head fall on the steering wheel. What is wrong with me? "Argh!" I yell, closing my eyes shut tight out of frustration.
I finally get the courage to turn the key in the ignition and get the car running. I get out of my driveway and make my way on the streets. The closer I get to his gramma’s house, the more I feel a pressure forming on my chest. My heart is beating so fast that it could come out of my chest at any moment.
I didn’t realize I was driving so fast until I was in front of the house. I try to compose myself; my breathing is trembling, and my eyes catch my own gaze in the rear-view mirror. I look completely crazy and out of my mind. I just look scared and panicked. "You’re a warrior, you can do this. " I breath in between my teeth, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t a complete imbecile.
I look at the time on the clock: 00:24. "Shit. I can’t go knock at the door in the middle of the night." I take my phone out of my back pocket and stares at my lock screen. It’s him, looking back at me, all innocent and smiling. What if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life? What if I’m making this harder for him by doing this? I give a quick look to the entrance of the house, as if it would give me an answer or maybe I was waiting for him to tell me what to do. I look back at the screen, the light illuminating my face. I stare at his face again, he looks happy and serene. I unlock my phone and decide to look at our last text conversation:
Sasori sent at 4:27 p.m.: Hi, I’m coming home soon, I’m bringing diner. Later, Ily.
Deidara sent at 4:30 p.m.: Hey you! Fine by me, I didn’t feel like making diner. Be safe, I luv u 2.
Read 4:35 p.m.
I can feel my eyes filling up with tears again. We ended up fighting that night. He left, leaving me feeling destroyed, empty and disgusting. I move my eyes to the phone symbol next to his name. Without thinking much further, I press the button. It rings. I bring the phone to my ear, not really realizing what I’ve done yet. I stare at the pool of light on the street provided by the streetlight visible through the windshield of my car. He picks up after three ring tones.
"Hello?... " Sasori asks, his voice is hoarse; he was sleeping.
I’m taken aback by the sound of his voice. I take the phone off my ear, looking at the ingoing phone call on my screen. I see the seconds going up. Say something you dumb bitch, he’s going to hang up! I bring back the phone to my ear.
" I can hear you moving and breathing, you know… " He sounds annoyed
" It’s-It’s me. " I say, out of breath like I just ran a marathon, but it’s just the panic talking.
I could have said a lot of things, but unfortunately, it was the only thing that came out of my stupid mouth. A long silence followed my obvious declaration. I heard him breathe, or maybe he sighed. Then, I heard the tone. He hanged up. I let my arm fall, my phone hitting the floor beside my feet. Why didn’t I say "Hi, can we talk? " No, my dead brain said " It’s me, duh ". Of course it’s you! I scream and agitate my arms, fighting the air, angry at the whole world. I take the steering wheel with both of my hands and squeeze it real hard. My knuckles turn white and I can feel my hands tingling. I start to shake my whole body back and forth, trying to shake the stupidness out of me. I can feel the car following my movements, making squeaking sounds. I abruptly stop myself and sigh. He’s awake now, I could go knock. I glance at the entrance again. I take a look at my face in the rear-view mirror, I’m all red from the shaking. I still nod my head at my reflection and close my eyes, trying to say, "It’s okay". I gather up the courage and get out of my car.
The walk from my car to the door is horrible. I feel this pressure on my chest again, like I’m going to break all my ribs if I inhale any air. I think of what I look like and what he’s going to think of me. I smell like a corpse; I look like one also. A walking corpse, that’s what I am. I’m at the doorstep. I look around me, as if I would get the answer to life in the green of the bushes. My gaze come back to the door. I knock. Within the first seconds following my knocking, I considered turning back and leaving the face of the Earth, but it was too late, I could already hear footsteps inside. I see the doorknob turn, I look behind me, calculating the distance between my car and the door, as if I could still run fast enough for him not to see me.
The door opens a little, it’s dark inside and I can’t see very well. I can see his face vaguely with the light coming from the street. From what I can see, he’s in much better shape than I am. He looks healthy and not as much sleep depraved. His head peeks out a little bit trough the doorway. He frowns and squint his eyes; he’s trying to figure out who’s standing in front of him. His head moves forward, to see more and probably clearer. His eyes go wide-open. "What the hell?" His voice comes to me like I’m in a dream.
"Tada…" I respond with an awkward laugh, holding my hands beside me, shaking them like I’m some kind of magician who just performed a trick.
He frowns again, looking directly into my eyes. I can’t figure out if he’s mad or if he’s just really confused. He opens the door a little more and moves closer to me. He looks me up and down, still frowning. Then, his gaze soften, gets sad even. He’s looking at my face again, but I can’t look back. I stare down at my feet, feeling stupid for coming here once more. I can feel him move closer, getting his arm up. Is he gonna punch me? His hand grabs my chin and move my head up, forcing me to look him in the eyes. He still got that sad look. "What happened to you? " He asks to me, concerned. I don’t know how to respond. I just keep staring at his face, probably looking like a crazy person. "Deidara? Why are you here- are you okay? " He insists, his hand still holding my head up.
"I guess… " I let out, grabbing his hand in mine.
"What does that mean? " he frowned, his gaze moving to our hands.
I look at our hands also. I grabbed it so naturally, without thinking twice.
"Our hands? " I ask in all seriousness, incapable of thinking of anything else at the moment.
"No, not that. Your answer. You guess you’re okay? " He asks again, taking his hand away slowly.
I see his hand getting away and I bring back my eyes on him. I keep my hand up, reaching out. I realise what he’s asking me. And it hits me, really hard. I suddenly feel like I’ve been hit by a fucking truck. Am I okay? There’s only one answer to this question: No, I’m not okay. I look down again. I feel the pressure on my chest move up in my throat like I’m going to vomit. I move my hand on my throat because I can feel myself suffocating. Sasori’s face gets down too, trying to see what’s happening with me.
My vision gets blurry, I’m crying. I can’t breathe anymore; I’m having a panic attack. My heart is beating so fast, I can’t even figure out what is happening around me. I bring my hand in a fist to my chest, right below my heart. I try to get air into my lungs, but I just produce gasping sounds. I can hear Sasori talking in the back, but I can’t make-up the actual words. It feels like I’m having a heart attack, like I’m dying. Sasori is moving around me, making me sit on the concrete. He’s still talking to me, "You have to breathe Deid’. " I can hear him say in between my wheezing. He’s holding my hand again. I squeeze it, trying to hold onto it, as if I would let go, my world would collapse. It lasts for a couple more minutes before the pain in my chest starts to fade, allowing me to breathe a little better. I’m still crying my eyes out, feeling ashamed, scared and stupid again. I finally let go of his hand.
"I’m so sorry. " I whisper, my throat dry, still sobbing.
He shushes me "Don’t talk, you could hurt yourself. "
We stay on the concrete, side by side. I don’t think he’s looking at me. I can’t really tell because I’m too scared to look. My breathing is stabilizing, but I’m moving my hands around, not knowing what to do with them. I can see him getting up from the corner of my eye. Now he’s definitely looking towards me. I give him a quick glance, at that, he sighs. "You can come in. We can talk in my bedroom." I can’t respond. What will we talk about? I have nothing prepared. "Or did you just come over here to have a panic attack and cry? " I turn my face in his direction. Why did I come here again?
"I guess I didn’t." I say as I get to his height.
"Follow me inside then."