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Bette & Tina’s House
The smell of brewing coffee wafted through the house on a crisp fall morning. But in the master bedroom, the smell of sweat and sex lingered in the air. The two occupants of the bed lied on their backs next to each other and panted through the afterglow of their morning lovemaking.
“Remind me again why we don’t do this every morning?” the brunette woman asked her lover.
“Because your sister doesn’t take our eight-year-old daughter Black Friday shopping every morning.” The blonde giggled.
“She should. God, I needed that.”
Tina smiled and looked over at Bette, whose eyes were closed and the back of her right hand was draped over her forehead. “I think we both did. Hosting Thanksgiving dinner is really fucking stressful.”
Bette turned to look at her wife and returned the smile. “Thank you, baby, for being such a wonderful hostess last night. The food was amazing.”
“And the table was set beautifully baby, so thank you.”
They both giggled at Bette’s minimal Turkey Day responsibilities. “You remember what happened last time I tried to help with Thanksgiving dinner?”
“Of course, I remember sweetie, that’s why you’re never allowed in the kitchen on Thanksgiving.”
Bette rolled over on top of Tina and kissed her passionately. “I may not be able to cook in the kitchen, but I know how to get things cookin’ in the bedroom, right?”
“Babe, you’re Top Chef in the bedroom.” Tina cooed.
“That’s because you’re easy to make a meal out of.” Bette winked at her wife, causing the blonde to roll her eyes and chuckle at her wife’s cheesiness.
“What time is it?”
Bette looked at the digital alarm clock display on the nightstand as Tina stroked her arms. “Almost 9:30. Think we have time for one more round?”
“Absolutely.”
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By 11:30, Bette and Tina were both showered, dressed and sitting on the couch waiting for Kit to drop Angelica off at home after an early morning of Black Friday shopping. Bette was looking through the newspaper at the inordinate amount of store circulars while Tina channel surfed.
“What does Angelica even want for Christmas this year?” Bette asked as she opened the Toys R Us flyer.
“A Hoverboard 360.”
“Well, she’s going to be extremely disappointed.”
Tina looked over at Bette, her brow furrowed. “I thought maybe that would be a good gift to get from Santa.”
“T, Angelica is eight. She doesn’t need to be rolling along everywhere, she needs to be active, running, jumping, or bike riding. Those things just seem so lazy, as if kids aren’t obese enough already.”
“I think they’re cool.”
“It’s not even a real Hoverboard. When the real ones come out, we’ll get her one.”
“What do you mean ‘real ones’?”
“You know, like Back to the Future II Hoverboards.”
“Bette, that’s a movie. It’s fiction.”
“But that’s what a real Hoverboard is supposed to be.”
Tina blew out a laugh and shook her head. “I love you. No matter how ridiculous you are.”
“I love you too, T.” Bette replied, getting back to her circular.
Tina noticed Kit’s green Cadillac pull into the driveway. “They’re home.”
“Hey,” Bette got Tina’s attention. “What do you want for Christmas?”
Tina smirked and leaned in to place a sweet kiss on Bette’s lips. “I have everything I could ever want in the world, baby. I don’t need anything else.” Tina stood up to open the front door for her daughter and sister-in-law.
“Yeah, that’s a trap. I’m not falling for the old ‘you don’t have to get me anything for Christmas’ line.”
“I’m serious, Bette. You don’t have to get me anything.” Tina opened the door as Kit walked in with a couple of shopping bags. “Hey Kit.” She greeted.
“What’s goin’ on, ladies? Oh, Angie went to check your mail, she’ll be right in.”
“Hi!” Bette said as she gave her older sister a hug. “Looks like you guys did some damage today.”
“Girl, you would not believe how rude people are just hours after they gave thanks for what they already have! I don’t think I’ve ever had to throw that many elbows to keep people in check and keep baby girl from gettin’ trampled.” Kit complained as she plopped down on the couch next to Bette.
“Hi mommies!” Angelica said as she came running through the front door with a couple of bags of her own and a handful of mail.
Tina hugged her only child and shut the door. “Hi honey. Did you and Auntie Kit have fun?”
“Yeah. The lines were so long mommy! People were hanging out in tents outside some of the stores!”
“That sounds awful.” Bette remarked. Angelica walked over to the couch where Bette was sitting to give her a hug. “What did you get me?” She asked her daughter as she attempted to take a peek inside the big plastic Target bag Angie was holding.
“Hey!” Angie said, tearing the bag away from Bette’s prying eyes. “You better not peek or you’ll be on Santa’s naughty list!” The three women laughed at Angelica’s threat.
“Okay, okay. No peeking.” Bette said, holding her hands up in defeat.
“Here, you can have the mail, Momma. Looks like we got our first Christmas card.” Angie said referring to the green envelope addressed with gold lettering.
Bette took the small stack of mail from Angie and read the green envelope. “This is from Alice. She never sends Christmas cards.”
“Oh, maybe it’s a formal invitation.” Kit said.
“Invitation to what?” Bette inquired.
“To that party she’s throwing.”
“What party?”
“Don’t you ever check your Facebook?” Kit asked.
Tina laughed. “Kit, Bette and Alice aren’t friends on Facebook, so she has no idea what you’re talking about.”
Kit eyed her sister suspiciously. “Not friends? Why not?”
“I got tired of her tagging me in all the embarrassing ‘Throwback Thursday’ pictures, so I blocked her.” Bette shrugged.
Kit looked at Tina.
“Don’t look at me. I’ve tried.” Tina raised her hands in resignation.
“Alice is coordinating an ugly Christmas sweater party at the Planet.” Kit said. “And before you whine about it, you’re going and that’s an order.”
“I don’t have an ugly Christmas sweater.” Bette whined.
“We’re gonna make ours, Momma!” Angelica said excitedly.
Bette shot a look at Tina.
“Why does our daughter think she’s going to a party thrown by Alice?” Bette demanded an answer.
“Because I’m Facebook friends with her, Momma.” Angelica said matter-of-factly. “I got my digital invitation over a week ago.”
“Angie gets to come for the first hour or so. I already told her she could.” Tina said with a chuckle. “Alice didn’t want her to feel left out. The babysitter will pick her up from the Planet and bring her home while we get to enjoy ourselves for the rest of the night.”
Bette tore the envelope open and pulled out the invitation. Across the top of the single 5x7 invitation read “It’s Time to Get Ugly” with Ugly in bright bold red, green, and yellow colors. “Well isn’t this just delightfully tacky.” Bette marveled at the annoyingly busy design of the card. “I’m not going.”
“Babe,” Tina began to plead.
“Baby, I really don’t want to waste money on an ugly sweater that I’m only going to wear once and is just for Alice’s amusement.”
“But Momma B, it’s going to be fun.” Her eight-year old looked up at her with those big brown puppy-dog eyes that never experienced anything but acquiescence on the part of Bette. Bette could feel her resolve slipping away at the sight of Angelica’s impending disappointment in her decision to skip the party.
“Is this party really important to you, sweetheart?” She asked her daughter.
A slow nod from Angie sealed the deal.
“Then I guess I’ll have to look for a sweater within the next four weeks and let Alice know I will be at the party.”
“Yay!!!!”
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Bette’s Gallery
Bette was taking lunch in her office and trying to decompress after spending the morning giving private tours of the gallery for some well-to-do collectors who loved spending money on new and obscure artist pieces. As she slurped her soup, she maneuvered her mouse to scroll through the website she was surfing for gift ideas for Tina and Angelica.
Not finding much that interested her, she opened a new tab and checked her Facebook account. She had a few notifications and one of them was a list of previous Facebook memories from years past. Clicking on the link, she was re-directed to an album of old photos from a Christmas party a few years back that she and Tina threw when they first got back together after the Jodi debacle.
She smiled as she looked through the photos. It was a happy and carefree time. Everyone they loved came to the party and there were plenty of silly, drunk photos of all of them. Including Alice who was sporting a Santa hat in each picture, for better or worse.
“These are just awful.” Bette mused.
She suddenly had an idea and began a search for websites that sold ugly Christmas sweaters. There were 10 days left until Alice’s party, and Bette still had not figured out what she was going to wear that would be both festive for the event and tolerable for her own liking.
Tina and Angelica had planned on making their own ugly Christmas sweaters the weekend before the party. They had purchased puff paint, jingle bells, cotton balls, and other fabric items to put together a Christmas theme ensemble and encouraged Bette to participate with them. Bette still wasn’t sold on the idea of making her own Christmas sweater so she had kept an eye out at stores around town looking for the perfect ugly sweater to wear to the party.
As she reviewed the Google listings for the sites with the most selection, she clicked the first one that popped up to peek at the inventory. It was amazing how many sites existed solely dedicated to the business of selling ugly Christmas sweaters. Whether they included fictional characters, professional sport team logos, or were customizable, there were just so many to choose from.
After a few clicks and some devious smiles, Bette had found the perfect one to order. Using her Paypal account, she submitted her order and chuckled knowing that the best ugly Christmas sweater would arrive at the gallery early next week.
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Bette & Tina’s House
“Baby, the Uber is here!” Tina called from the kitchen. She was busy putting the spiced rum Jell-o shots she made for the party in an insulated cooler.
Angelica came bounding down the stairs, the bells that dotted her homemade sweater, jingling away. On the front was an upside-down snowman made of glued cotton balls with big googly eyes that moved with Angie’s sudden movements.
Tina’s sweater boasted a homemade Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree complete with sticks and a single red ornament hanging from the middle branch. Next to the tree was the closest rendering of Snoopy with cotton balls and black permanent marker that she could create. It was, in a word, ugly.
“I’m ready, Mom.” Angelica said as she walked into the kitchen.
“Where’s your Mama B?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay, well, let’s go wait for her in the car.” As Tina slung the strap of the cooler over her shoulder, Bette came sauntering down the stairs. Tina and Angie did a double take as the brown-haired beauty came into view.
“Um, Mama B?”
“Yes, sweetpea?”
“Alice is going to kick you out of her party for dress code violation.”
“Babe, you’re just wearing a black hoodie?”
Watching her daughter and wife stare at her with judgmental eyes, Bette put her hands on her hips and drew in a deep breath.
“I thought you said you ordered a sweater, Mama?”
“I did. I’m wearing it underneath my hoodie. You two will get to see it when I reveal it at the party.”
Tina and Angie looked at each other and rolled their eyes. “We’ll be in the Uber.” Tina replied.
“Right behind you, Baby.” Bette said with a smirk.
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The Planet
The family of three stepped out of the backseat of the Uber ready to get their ugly on. They approached the front entrance of the café when they saw Shane smoking a cigarette nearby. Seeing Angelica approaching, Shane flicked the butt in the opposite direction and stood from the bench. She was wearing a black sweater with a large photo of Yoda’s face in the center and sandwiched between two parallel rows of Millennium Falcons and red and green lightsabers.
“Merry Christmas.” Shane greeted as Angie hugged her tight.
“I love your sweater Auntie Shane.
“Thanks, Squirt, I love yours too.”
“Mommy and I made ours.”
“That’s pretty rad.”
“Hey, Shane.”
“Tina.” Shane watched as Bette brought up the rear and couldn’t help but smile. “Ebenezer.” She greeted the taller woman.
“Yeah, yeah. Just wait until I unzip this.” Bette warned.
All four of them stepped into the Planet in search of the rest of their party.
Kit was busy at the bar wearing her Christmas sweater that was also black with a large yellow Wutang Clan symbol in the middle with yellow snowflakes and honeycomb patterns surrounding it. Helena was spotted donning a green sweater with the leggy lamp from A Christmas Story on the front amidst a smattering of snowflakes. Tasha’s sweater had candy cane striped arms with a Christmas tree in the center of her torso that boasted LED lights and at the top said, “Get Lit.”
Once the Porter-Kennard’s reached their designated table, Alice immediately made a bee line for them. She was sporting a 3-D unicorn sweater that showed the stuffed head coming out of her chest and the rear end of it stuck out from her back.
“Hey!”
Bette, Tina, and Angie turned to the familiar voice.
“Thanks for coming Porter-Kennards!” She said with a smile and a cup of spiked eggnog. “Did you bring the shots Tina?”
“Sure did,” Tina responded as she tried to maneuver the goods out of the cooler.
As Alice got closer, she eyed Bette up and down.
“Excuse me, Porter?”
Just as she was about to lay into Bette for her inappropriate attire, Bette slowly unzipped her hoodie and slid it off arm by arm. She then turned to face Alice as Tina, Angie, and Shane caught the first glimpse of her sweater and fought off the giggles with wide eyes.
“Yes, Alice?” Bette asked innocently now that her apparel was now fully revealed to her annoying friend.
Alice’s eyes dropped to the front of Bette’s sweater, and her mouth hung open in shock. She finally looked up at Bette with disdain in her eyes. “I hate you.” She whispered and grabbed a Jell-o shot from Tina before retreating to the other side of the café.
“Well-played, Bette. You certainly know how to dress appropriately for the occasion.” Shane laughed.
Bette smiled and looked down at the photo of Alice in a Santa hat, pirate-eyed and likely screaming incoherently on her chest. She had created her own ugly Christmas sweater by uploading an old photo from her and Tina’s Christmas party that had popped up on her Facebook memories. The photo was just too good not to feature on her sweatshirt and she knew it would be a hit.
“That’s cold, Mama B.” Angelica said, unable to hide her own amusement at her Earth Mother’s expense.
“You’re the worst, babe.” Tina teased.
“I thought she would like it. It’s doubling as her Christmas gift.”
THANKS FOR READING!!!