Chapter Text
Birthdays weren't something Dazai would typically celebrate. His parents didn't have time for him (unless they were beating him of course) and Mori, although also knowing his birthday, never celebrated it. It wasn't like he minded, he didn't even see the point of having a celebration for making it another year in this accursed world. His parents didn't care, Mori didn't care, and neither did he.
But he thought that after meeting Chuuya, there might have been something worth living for. It was...nice to have friends. Playing at an arcade was something he always wanted to do and sharing that experience with Chuuya felt special. And when Chuuya called out his name and held his hand during their fight with Random, it felt intimate, having someone place their trust in you like that.
Mori would be disappointed in him, showing so much sentiment over something like trying to celebrate a birthday.
He had seen Chuuya celebrate his birthday about a month or two ago. He had been told by Kouyou and of course, he and his friends had celebrated in one of the mafia owned establishments.
Dazai knew that Mori let the information slip to Kouyou and let her tell Chuuya as another way to keep him in the mafia. Chuuya was still after information on Arahabaki after all.
It was by accident, really. Dazai was taking a stroll through the streets and he saw Chuuya with his friends and laughing about. It would make sense for Chuuya to already have friends, he really was the embodiment of gravity sometimes. Kouyou had also organized a larger party for him afterwards and although Dazai had attended, he didn't really feel at place there. It was Chuuya's special day and he didn't want to ruin that.
But Dazai wanted to try it too, celebrating his birthday and hanging out with friends. Having fun with someone you trust was foreign to him but Chuuya made it look so tempting he was willing to try.
So when his birthday came, he had ordered a cake. It was small and would barely feed four people and even then, that was stretching it. Mori wouldn't throw him a party and neither would Kouyou. One because he didn't see the point and would probably say something along the lines of, ''showing weakness'' while the other wouldn't because she wasn't as close.
Chuuya was the only one he probably trusted to share this celebration with. The tiny ginger was passionate and hot headed but he knew when someone was showing vulnerability and he knew when to keep his mouth shut. So celebrating his birthday with his partner was going to be a big step for him at opening up.
Dazai grinned, fueled by childish fantasies of celebrating birthdays with Chuuya. Maybe they would even make it a tradition of celebrating their birthdays in private, just the two of them eating a small cake and hovering over candles.
The mafioso had called ahead of time, asking Chuuya if he was going to have time later tonight. He almost jumped around in joy when he got a gruff, ''Yes'' in response. Excitement filled his veins and his face was almost splitting in half thanks to it.
But that came crashing down when he received a phone call from Mori.
"Dazai-kun," Mori said.
Dazai placed his phone on speaker and went back to cleaning up his apartment. He wanted it to look nice for when Chuuya was going to come. He gave a loud noise of acknowledgment. Whatever his mentor wanted, he better say it quick.
"Chuuya-kun has been injured on a mission."
Just like that, the festive nature that was with him throughout the day was gone. "Care to explain, Mori-san?"
The man on the other end of the line chuckled.
"I thought you might have wanted to know, you two are partners after all. You don't have anything to do today so why don't you check up on him?"
With that, the call ended. Dazai set the broom down. This...was unexpected but he could work with it. He was good at improvising. He could just pick up the cake and celebrate with Chuuya. That's right, the place didn't matter.
With renewed spirits, Dazai slipped on his shoes and grabbed his coat.
"Thank you for your patronage," The nice lady at the cash register said and handed the teen a white box with their store logo on it.
Dazai returned the polite gesture with one of his own and thanked her with a big smile, no matter how faked it was.
His thoughts wandered as he walked. Chuuya was probably in one the mafia infirmary if he got injured so that was his location. He tried not to let any of his bubbling excitement show, it would be questionable if anyone saw Mori's charge acting like some kind of teenage girl and he didn't need Mori talking to him about it.
But after hacking the list, Chuuya had already left. There was no way he was going to ask the staff, that was embarrassing on a personal level.
Maybe he was with Kouyou or one of her girls. The ginger always did seem fond of them.
Turns out, he was right. Chuuya was with one of the girls from Kouyou's division.
But because today was special, Dazai had decided to wait for them to finish their conversation before interfering. But that didn't mean he couldn't eavesdrop.
"Are you sure you should be on your feet, Nakahara-san?" The girl asked, concern clear in her voice.
Chuuya waved his hand dismissively. "I'm fine and you can call me Chuuya, you know."
The girl blushed and looked away. "No, no, no! That would be wrong! Nakahara-san is part of the infamous Double Black, he deserves to be treated with more respect!"
Dazai felt his chest flush with pride. Double Black was already making waves in Yokohama and according to his perditions, it wouldn't take long before the name engulfed the entire underworld.
"That doesn't matter" But Chuuya still rubbed his neck out of embarrassment.
The girl recomposed herself and straightened up. "Speaking of Double Black, do you have any plans with Dazai-san? He's your partner, right?"
Dazai perked up, clutching the box even closer. He wanted to hear what Chuuya had to say.
"Hm? That mackerel bastard? Not really, I don't think so."
Dazai couldn't remember how he got back to his apartment, all he knew was that he was sitting on his chair and the cake was set out in front of him.
He was used to disappointment, from his parents and from Mori. But he had been looking forward to this day with so much eagerness and preparation. The cake was the same one Kouyou had gotten Chuuya but smaller and he had called ahead of time just so he wouldn't make a fool of himself, making a big deal out of something that shouldn't be.
Yet look at him now, looking every bit of the fool he didn't want to be.
To think he had gotten this worked up over something as small as his birthday, Mori would laugh at him while simultaneously consoling him. (Was it really consolation if he was just being told how he should get rid of his childish sentiments and how it was unbecoming of him to display such behavior?)
Dazai picked up a fork. He might as well eat the cake if he already bought it, right?
"Stupid Chuuya," He mumbled and took a bite of the cake.
His throat felt like burning, something lodging its way in there and making every word that comes out as hiccups. His eyes felt hot too. Small pinpricks of tears that forced their way from under his eyes made their presence known. He didn't like this, not one bit.
But his body kept doing these weird things and the cake didn't taste good at all. It was too heavy and bland at the same time for him and every time he swallowed a bite, the ball in his throat just got more painful.
It wasn't like he was expecting much in the first place. He just wanted something small, was that so wrong? Why was Chuuya able to make it look so natural? Having friends and people who cared about him, he wanted someone to share his birthday too. He wanted to be something more than just a cold hearted demon.
But that was it, wasn't it?
He was a demon who everyone avoided while Chuuya was like the sun, you can't help going towards it.
'It's not fair,' He thought as he took another bite of the flavorless cake. He rubbed his cheeks, why were they wet? 'I never wanted to be born like this'
Dazai paused and looked down at his fork. It was just two steps away from his mouth and it looked as unappetizing as a rotting tomato. Was he being selfish? None of his victims ever asked to be his victim either yet here he is, whining about not being able to celebrate a simple birthday with his partner.
He just wanted to feel normal for once. He wanted what every normal kid had, he wanted something Chuuya had.
He laughed and wiped his face again. Was there something wrong with him today?
There wasn't a point to this anymore. Chuuya had made it clear that today wasn't important and he understood. If he wasn't him, he would also avoid himself at any cost.
Dazai packed the rest of the cake and threw his fork into the trash.
Making his way to his bathroom, he pulled out a small pack of sharp blades. He pulled one out and undid the bandages on his arms.
The first cut was able to silence the overwhelming disappointment inside. It made everything quieter and for that, he was happy. This was his escape, this was the one thing he could call a tradition.
Others may not understand it but he did and that was all that mattered.
This was the one constant he had in his life, it was the only time he had true control.
He wanted to make another constant in his life and look how that turned out. Eating cake alone in his living room.
One cut for not being born human.
One cut for all those lives he's taken without batting an eye.
One cut for wasting a cake that could have been someone else's.
One cut for trying to trick Chuuya into celebrating something so meaningless.
One cut for his stupidity.
Dazai stopped so he could wipe his tears away.
Oh, he had been crying.
Upon realizing, more salty droplets left his eyes.
He was pathetic wasn't he? Crying over something as trivial as this, why was he so stupid? There are kids out there who don't even know their birthdays but he's crying about how he couldn't celebrate his.
How horribly selfish of him. But this was the behavior expected from a bastard demon who couldn't understand human worth.
What a absolute fuck up he grew up to be, no wonder his parents tried to kill him before. He should have let them but he was too demanding and asked for a painless death.
Looking at the bloody mess his arm became and back at the blade in his hands, he laughed humorlessly.
This could be his birthday tradition. A reminder that he didn't deserve to be normal.
"Happy Birthday," He whispered to the numbing cold, his ruined arms, the bloody blade, and his tears for thinking he deserved to shed them.
When Dazai woke up, it was to the white light of an unfamiliar room. He groaned and hissed when he moved his arms too quickly. His eyes searched the room for any other residents and found one.
"Hirotsu-san?" He asked. This was the man who accompanied him when he went to Suribachi City right?
"Dazai-san, you gave me quite a scare," The older man said.
Now the brunette felt even worse. He didn't want to inconvenience those who didn't deserve it. He already does that enough with Chuuya. He never wanted to bother Chuuya but the only way he would interact with him was through violence and teasing the older teen was the only way to get his attention. It didn't matter if his ribs were broken, he just wanted to know that he was still something to Chuuya.
"Ahahaha, I was trying to have a suicide where I won't be a bother." Dazai laughed but Hirotsu didn't share his joy. Not that he needed to of course.
But Dazai was grateful that what happened in the bathroom wasn't being brought up.
"We're in my room right now. I was the only one there"
Dazai nodded. It was reassuring that only one person saw him in his moment of weakness. He clutched the blanket harder. He should probably leave. There was no reason for him to stay and be a bother. He was about to get up when a gloved hand was placed on his.
Was Hirotsu going to ask for some kind of compensation? That was fine, he deserved it for not revealing his weakness when he had the chance to.
Instead, Hirotsu pulled out a box. It was a plain black and there was a white ribbon holding it together. He placed it on the younger boy's lap and gave him an expectant stare.
Dazai didn't know what to do with it so just stared at it.
"Go on," Hirotsu said.
With unsure hands, he took the ribbon off along with the lid. Inside was a sleek black suit, neatly folded and ironed. It probably cost a fortune, something he didn't deserve.
"This-" His lips trembled and his eyes took on a familiar burning sensation. His throat felt too dry and too clogged up at the same time.
"You're sixteen now."
Please don't say it. He wasn't sure he could handle being given something he didn't deserve.
"Happy birthday."
Dazai hugged the older man and buried his face into his chest. He could apologize later for ruining his shirt with his tear but right now, he wanted to hold on to someone more than anything.
"There's still some cake if you'd like".
He hugged the older man even tighter. He could use some cake right now.