Chapter Text
"I like the bangs, unnie," Kim Yongsun observed aloud, glancing up from where she sat on the practice room floor, knees tucked against her chest as she buckled her shoes. Her new group member had made a rather noisy entrance before bee-lining to the mirror and was now fussing with her hair. "Don't you?"
"It's so different," Moon Byul-yi commented, tugging at the aforementioned bangs and swiping away stray hairs, "So windy today. But at least I don't have mask lines on my cheeks. No need for a mask with the particle count down." She paused momentarily as her eyes caught sight of Yongsun's reflection staring at her. "Is there something on my face?" she asked, her tone halfway between confrontational and playful. Yongsun returned her attention to the buckle and snapped it closed. Sighing, Byul turned and slowly crossed to her group's new leader. She didn't like how small Yongsun seemed on the floor so she decided to join her. "Are you nervous about oppa coming in to observe today?" Yongsun sighed and nodded.
"Aren't you? The title track isn't ready yet, and Hyejin still keeps messing up the choreography." Byul bit her bottom lip and nodded.
"You'd think with all the time she and Wheein spend together they could spend some time practicing together. Wheein picks it up fast." Yongsun smiled, pulling her knees up to her chest.
"You noticed how close they are too, huh?" Byul giggled.
"Since we were trainees. I once teased them they were going to get growths on their hips from how attached they always were." Byul laughed a little harder at her joke as Yongsun groaned and rolled her eyes.
"You're so cheesy," she remarked, reaching into her bag and pulling out the sheet music to their future debut track, "Mr. Ambiguous" into her lap.
"Not as much as that song," Byul noted, a hint of bitterness in her voice as she scooted over and began reading over Yongsun's shoulder.
"What are you doing?" Yongsun immediately asked, "You can't read my notes, check your own music." Byul shoved her finger onto the page, denting the paper inward.
"Unnie has funny handwriting," she taunted with a giggle, "why do you write everything in erasable ink? Do you have bad eyesight? You can't read pencil? Do you have a tick growing in your eye?" Byul impishly poked at Yongsun's cheek and was immediately swatted away by an irritated hand. One of them was laughing but the other clearly was not. Yongsun stood and stormed away from her and toward the keyboard at the other end of the room, plopping onto the bench with a disgruntled groan. "Unnie, I am playing. I'm nervous. I tease when I'm nervous," Byul insisted, splaying her arms and legs out like a starfish, or a toddler, begging the other person to accept their apology.
Yongsun placed the music on the music rack and started playing through the melody, turning her head momentarily to smile. "Well, maybe you'll be less nervous if you come over and practice your part." Grumbling, Byul got to her feet and slowly crossed the glossy floor.
"What part? My rap on page six of ten?" Yongsun nodded as Byul slowly approached, waving her hand at Byul's nearby bag.
"That and these lower harmonies you have in the chorus." Byul reached into her bag and produced a little notebook she had been scraping raps into since her training days. Yongsun continued to play absent-mindedly, watching Byul extract her notes. The younger girl narrowed her eyebrows when she was concentrating. It creased her forehead line just enough that it popped down below the long, uniform bangs she was now donning. Yongsun couldn't fathom why the stylist made that call. It wasn't like they were ancient. Sure, Hyejin and Wheein were eighteen but twenty-two wasn't anything to sneer at. It couldn't be. But she'd meant it. She liked the bangs anyway. "You really don't like the song?" Byul shrugged as she migrated closer as she flipped the thin, tiny pages.
"I don't dislike it. It just feels strange mixing rap with jazz music. Did you hear how much brass was added during the last track recording?" Yongsun sighed and decided to try out this new leadership thing by asking a tougher question. She stopped playing and turned toward Byul.
"Is it about line distribution?" Byul finally looked up from her pad, her lips pressing together, no doubt to keep from saying anything, Yongsun thought. "Don't do that. If there's something you want to complain about, do it." Byul's eyebrows knit together more firmly, and against them, she found her voice.
"There's nothing to complain about. The song is fine," she said with such finality it took Yongsun aback. She stared harder at Byul and for a moment it looked like more would come tumbling out of the younger girl's mouth, but the moment passed, and following it, Byul folded her notebook firmer into her palm and navigated back to her bag. "I found these in a still unpacked box. Sorry, I forgot to get them to you sooner," she announced, producing a pair of three-inch heels that Yongsun immediately recognized. She didn't really appreciate the fact Byul was so quick to change the subject, but she would let it go for now. Mostly because the look on Byul's face as she dangled the strap between her two very long fingers was endearing in a way that a flutter passed through her chest.
Swallowing down the sensation, she smiled and approached Byul, taking the heels (making sure to run her fingertips against the other set, subconsciously of course) and placing them on a nearby table. "Thank you. I was just glad to have an extra pair." Byul nodded.
"Me too, Unnie. You come prepared. That's what will make you a good leader. CEO-oppa chose right between us." Yongsun smiled. "I tried it out once, back with SM. Too much pressure." Yongsun tilted her head.
"I didn't know that." Byul nodded again, running a finger over her ear to tuck a long black strand out of her face. "And . . . thank you. But I can't even manage to get my members to rehearsal on time." Yongsun pointed at the clock. The two maknaes of the group were already seven minutes late.
"Are you sure you got the time right? We could be early."
"Two people can't be early." Byul sighed, rubbing her cheek.
"So we're the only ones here. Is that so bad?" The little whimper in Byul's voice took Yongsun off-guard. There was an emotion there she didn't understand, something soft that made her skin crawl and worse yet made her uncomfortable . . . like she had somehow hurt the girl's feelings. But before Yongsun could settle on any semblance of a reaction, the door burst open, Wheein and Hyejin slipping their practice heels on with a loud clatter.
"We almost missed the bus," Wheein explained right away, and then turning to Hyejin she asked, "Do you think anyone saw us running down the hall?" Byul crossed back to the piano, leaving Yongsun to deal with the situation however she saw fit. "We are sorry we're late, Leader-nim." Yongsun's startled gaze shot between the pair as Hyejin gulped down a large swig of water.
"You don't have to speak formally to her," Hyejin said in a tone as blase as asking for paper or plastic at the convenience store. Yongsun's eyes landed on Hyejin who stared right back. "We're friends now," she clarified, "CEO oppa said we should act more like family. How can we do that if we have to speak formally to each other?" Yongsun's eyes narrowed.
"It is different being here and being at home, unnie," Yongsun stated, "it's about habits and how we want everyone to treat us. Did you hear the same comments as I did at our evaluation?"
"I thought they were decently positive," Wheein said, rolling her pant legs up to give herself a bit more circulation. It was only May and already it was blazing in downtown Seoul.
"Pretty voices, not so pretty faces," was Yongsun's somewhat venomous retaliation.
"They didn't say that," Byul countered from across the room, "that's too harsh."
"It's not though," Yongsun insisted, "not their exact words, ok, but it's what they're saying behind our backs. And our faces are what sells. If we want to be taken seriously by them it matters what faces we present, and arriving late, running down halls -- " her eyes flitted to Hyejin and back, " -- speaking to our elders informally? This isn't going to make them take us seriously. We are this company's very first girl group. It's up to us to set a new standard." This seemed to strike a chord with the entire group. Hyejin, looking properly admonished, nodded along with Wheein. Yongsun didn't even bother to turn to look at Byul, she could see her in the mirror, furiously writing into her notepad once again. You're all beautiful -- but it's not the only thing that matters, Yongsun thought as she shook her head. "But look let's -- let's not start there today, ok?" She put on her best possible smile. "Wheein, will you run us through warm-ups while we wait? Maybe they got caught up. We have to respect the fact they have a lot of stress on their plate."
Yongsun went up to Hyejin and wrapped her arm around her, leading them both over to the keyboard. Hyejin didn't return the embrace but likewise kept in step with her new leader. A few minutes later the new RBW group "Mamamoo" could be heard down the halls warming up in scaled harmonies as CEO Kim Jim-Woo and his visiting friend, producer Baek Z Young, entered the room.
CEO Jim-Woo so far seemed to be the more approachable of the paired RBW runners. He was more invested in the details than the big picture, which was offset by the juxtaposition of Ms. Ji-Young's presence in a tightly tailored power suit with an expression on her face that was a polar opposite to her soft features. She struck a closed-off stance as she sized up the women who were now lined up side by side in a formation that seemed rehearsed yet somehow innate, starting with Moonbyul on the right next to Yongsun beside Wheein and Hyejin capping off the line on the other end. They bowed in unison in each person's direction in greeting. They received little head nods in return. "Good morning, girls," Jim-Woo said with a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, "you are sounding warmed up. That's good." Yongsun visibly exhaled at the compliment, feeling a small pat on her back from her right. "Ms. Ji-Young is here to listen to the song and give you feedback. Remember what we spoke about in evaluations. The vocals and performance are key. So, there's perfect, and then there is where Mamamoo has to be: far past that. Understood?" The girls' nods were tiny and in sync. "Good. Is the track loaded into the docking tray?"
"Oppa, do you want to see the choreography -- " Yongsun tried to wrangle Hyejin and Wheein gently by the arms as Byul fiddled with the computer program. Popping open her jacket, Baek Z Yong, or Ms. Ji-Young, opened up a folding chair and placed it with her back to the mirror.
"Just the song," was her curt reply as she sat and crossed her legs. Seconds later the intro began. The group sang through the song, Hyejin already off-book and not even needing to look over at the lyrics, an action that seemed to impress no one but her members. The pair of eyes watched and listened, their expressions mostly unchanging until the end when Ji-Young politely smiled and stood. "You all sound very good together, even at this early stage. Show me your introduction?"
Yongsun stared at the woman that held nearly six inches on them and snapped her fingers. "1-2 -- " and the group sang in four-part harmony, "I say MaMa-MaMa-Moo!" They bowed, and when they said hello, stuck their fingers up across their lips like mustaches. Ji-Young's nose curled and she turned back to Jim-Woo pointing at Wheein's face. Jim-Woo shifted in his seat.
"The girls are going to wear finger mustaches during their opening choreography. It will make them stick out if people remember the song every time they are introduced." Ji-Young didn't look the least bit amused as she turned back and offered up a quaint smile. Yongsun's eyes flitted down the line to Wheein and Hyejin who had mostly disinterested expressions on their faces, and by a quick glance in the mirror, Yongsun could see her neck muscles tense. Once again there was small pressure at her back and while one part of her wanted to swat Byul's hand away, she gave in to the side that took comfort in the touch. It was there and gone again.
"CEO oppa has always had a fun way of trying to market people. And you girls will need it. You have the song, mostly, but you're going to have to do a lot more to put distinction in the harmonies in the middle, and you really have to listen to each other on entrances. Some of you -- " her eyes snapped down to Hyejin who looked surprised to be under such sharp attention, especially since her members knew she had sung the song the best, " -- shouldn't put the music away before it's ready. Mistakes are too easy to make, even when you're certain you have it." Her gaze returned to Yongsun. "It's your responsibility to make sure they're refined. Girl groups fall through the cracks at twice the rate of boys. Always keep that in mind." A sharp inhale through her teeth accompanied a swift placement of her hands on her hips before leaving the practice room.
"Harsh but fair, wouldn't you agree?" CEO Jim-Woo said, "Now, let's get down to some gritty work. Start from the beginning. I have the remote. You sing, I will stop and start to offer notes and we will tweak what I point out. Ready?" This time, Hyejin leaned closer to Wheein to share her music. "Begin."
********
Harsh but fair, harsh but fair . . . was all that ran through Yongsun's mind as they ran through the choreography from the bridge to the end for the tenth time. Each girl had sweat stains on the backs of their shirts, their temples shone, and Byul was constantly using the front of her shirt to wipe her upper lip. A fact alone, not something Yongsun noticed each time. They hit their final turn, striking the ending pose, held it for ten seconds, and then finally collapsed like a set of paired dominos. "The moves aren't hard, but the crosses are huge!" Hyein groaned as she cradled her head against her knees, "Did the choreographer measure our legs?"
"The heels are going to arrive in our spots before we do," Byul teased, patting Hyejin's shoulder before crossing to the table for her water. "They said four and a half inches." Hyejin moaned and fell back on her ass.
"You always wear heels," Wheein said, giving Hyejin's foot a little shove, "dancing in them is no different, even if they're huge."
"10,000 won says I fall in the first two bars of music," Hyejin said as Wheein helped her up and toward the table for their water.
Yongsun turned to the mirror, pulling the hair tie from around her wrist down and lacing her hair off her neck in a loose bun. She stared in the mirror, seeing how tired her group was, but also looking at the clock. They had the studio open to them for another two hours. "Again," Yongsun insisted. None of them moved, still catching their breath. "We still aren't together on the ending." The retreat back to the mirror was a slow one, made with three very pouty faces, but no one objected.
"Unnie, will you buy us dinner if we get it?" Byul challenged, hopping over to her and giving her shoulder a closed fist tap. Yongsun turned out and away from the playfulness, forcing herself not to notice how good Byul smelled with a little workout sweat lingering on her skin. At first, a scowl settled on her face, but with a roll of her eyes she agreed,
"If the ramyeon shop is still open," which earned her a small cheer and claps from the maknae line as a push of a button started the song over.
*****
The elevator was broken so after rehearsal, the girls had to take the stairs down from the studio floor RBW had rented. "My thighs feel like they're going to give birth to thighs," Wheein griped as she pushed the door that opened up to the street, the others following behind her.
"Your thighs are fine," Byul insisted, a small blush washing over her cheeks as the wind hit their skin and the foursome approached the crosswalk. Wheein hadn't heard her, already asking Hyejin what she planned on getting added into her ramyeon, but Yongsun noticed and as a result was suddenly very interested in checking her online bank statement to count up how much this little reward was going to cost her. As they approached the little nook that wafted of noodle fumes, Byul nudged Yongsun and said, "You're a good sport for following through with this. I can help you pay if you want. My family was able to send me a little extra money this week."
"I don't need your help," Yongsun quickly responded, increasing the girth of her steps to side-step how close she and Byul had been seconds ago, before twirling back around with a wide-set grin and adding, "But, I was planning on having some SoJu if you wanted to pick that up!" Byul's somewhat shocked expression mixed into one of amusement as they stepped into the little alcove to place their orders.
A few minutes later they were seated at a small picnic table, slurping down the boiling hot soup and noodles with a hunger that felt inhuman from all the calories they burned. Byul and Yongsun were dissecting a part of the choreography back and forth when Hyejin insisted for the third time they not talk about work. "The song will be fine, the choreography will be fine, let's be different, let's not be like a big three group that can only share with each other what their day consisted of!"
"Fair enough," Yongsun admitted, chewing and swallowing a fish cake, "but -- "
"No buts, unnie," Hyejin insisted, "unless you want to talk about guys' butts. Then we have a topic worth our time." The group giggled, but Byul shook her head, her chopsticks mashing deeper into the styrofoam cup.
"Whose butt did you have in mind?" Wheein asked. Hyejin shrugged.
"There hasn't been one recently to take much interest in. And I'm sick of staring at all of yours," Hyejin said which almost made Wheein spit out the soda she was drinking before countering,
"You like my butt." Hyejin nodded.
"I do, I do. What about you, Yongsun, unnie?" Yongsun's chopsticks stopped midway to her mouth. "Tell us about a nice apple butt that's caught your attention recently." Yongsun's whole body seemed to be frozen on the fritz, and in the time it took the other two to notice, Byul piped up,
"Unnie doesn't like asses. She doesn't like what she doesn't have." Hyejin and Wheein howled while a light whack landed on Byul's shoulder followed by Yongsun's scolding tone,
"Byul-ah! Respect your elders!" Byul reached across the table and pretended to flick away a booger from Yongsun's nose.
"I will respectfully clean my elders' noses!" Byul continued, at which point Wheein nearly fell over, laughing so hard she was literally holding her side. "Unnie's boogers are huge!" Hyejin put her chopsticks down to cover her mouth so partially chewed food didn't projectile over the table. "There's so much! Quick maknaes, fetch me a shovel!"
"Stop it, stop it!" Wheein pleaded, grabbing Yongsun's hand before it could seek vengeance, "you both will destroy the table and I really want my noodles." Hyejin and Wheein wiped their eyes as Byul and Yongsun shared a smile that was equal parts warm and a warning, both of them looking for an opening to continue their fake war-play, but Hyejin quickly pulled the subject back to where it was:
"You can tell us, Byul. Did you leave anyone behind before succumbing to the trenches?" Byul's attention was practically yanked away from Yongsun's and back to her noodle cup. She shrugged casually.
"There was someone. Once. I put everything into them and, uh, they had no interest in doing the same." The mood at the table suddenly sobered as the other three wondered how to respond to Byul's confession. "I was so lucky I had Minji, she helped me so much. Honestly, I miss her more than the other person -- than him. I talked to her on the phone the other day. She was with my sisters, asking if we knew when we were going to debut and I told her CEO oppa said sometime in June. That's so soon." Hyejin and Wheein nodded.
"And yet not soon enough," Wheein added, "the anticipation is killing me. The suspense is almost as bad as when we were trainees, still so much 'almost.'"
"I understand," agreed Yongsun, whose eyes hadn't left Byul's since her small confession, but now idly stirred the bottom of her cup.
"What about you, Wheein?" Byul asked briskly as if something in her tone anticipated the answer, "is there anyone in your life other than Hyejin?" Yongsun gave the younger girl a tiny shove but Wheein just slurped down another mouthful of noodle and shook her head.
"Never has been, never will be." Hyejin made an "aww" face before retorting,
"That's gross. Just like boys." The table chuckled, but Hyejin continued. "Neither of us had a lot of time for dating with riding into Seoul every weekend. Not unless it was a special occasion like a party. Plenty of boys to kiss there." Wheein pretended to be lost in a memory that Hyejin soon shared with the same silly, matching expressions on their faces. Seconds later they broke down into giggles as Byul's attention sobered onto Yongsun. She hated it when Byul looked at her that way, it made her feel entirely exposed.
"What about you, Yong, unnie? Any late-night texts from a secret, illegal paramour?" Byul's weirdly flirtatious tone asked.
Yongsun swiped across the table at Byul's shoulder. "Awah! No, Byul-ah! Ok, there was one boy in high school but not since. Relationships are so much work."
"And you're a hard worker," Hyejin countered, a final large bite of noodles going into her mouth. Meanwhile, Byul hadn't stopped staring at her and smiled wide at her as something twinkled in Yongsun's eyes that burned all the way up to the back of the leader's ears.
"Stop it," she said in a quiet whisper, hoping only Byul would hear her but Wheein answered instead.
"I'm not doing anything, ok now I'm doing something." Wheein's hand clapped down on the table hard making Yongsun shriek. "Got it!" Wheein cheered, using a napkin to wipe off her hand and the table from the bug's remains. Byul covered her hand, laughing so hard she started to lean back, kicking the top of Yongsun's shin.
"Don't laugh at me!" Yongsun chided through a laugh of her own, picking up her own napkin and after wadding it up, tossing it at Byul who only laughed harder.
"Such flirts," Hyejin observed aloud with a shake of her head, shoving another large bite of ramyeon into her mouth.
*****
"Unnie," Byul whispered close into Yongsun's ear as they stood in the metaphorical wings ready to step out into their first debut stage, "remember -- the views for the music video were good. They're ready to see us." Yongsun's hand slinked down the fabric of Byul's neon yellow dress and clutched the hand it found there. "My sisters came. Wheein's friend too. We're ready." Yongsun nodded, closing her eyes and taking a breath. After she did so, she let go of Byul's hand and turned to reach for the maknaes behind them.
"Circle," she commanded, pulling Byul into her right side and Hyejin into her left. The group did as they were asked, for change, and wrapped their arms around one another. Dipping their heads forward to be heard over the currently performing group and the crowd, Yongsun said, "No matter what happens, smile. Let's make them remember us." Three separate smiles met Yongsun's eyes as she nodded and felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Mamamoo, stand by for the next light shift," the stage manager informed them and pointed to a spot just off-camera where they immediately went to line up. Seconds later the lights changed and flickered and Mamamoo hurried on to the sounds of polite applause as they navigated to their opening positions.
Immediately there was a strong start, their hard work producing instantaneously pleasing vocals working in their favor. Gratefully there was also a succinct balance with the microphones and track. At first, their performance began with a lukewarm reception in spite of the fact they were performing better than they had in any one rehearsal. The inevitable nerves that were tremoring throughout each member faded away when their eyes met individual audience members, landing on several continuous looks of surprise. For every glassy-eyed guy, there was some younger girl moving from side to side to the beat. It tempered the anxiety prevalent but unnoticeable in the opening lines of the song so that by the time they got to MoonByul's rap, the smiles on each of their faces were genuine. Unlit lightsticks started to bounce, signs were swaying in tempo, and smiles trickled out through the audience in a wave until the final pose was struck, and what had once been polite claps of acknowledgment were now loud cheers of applause.
Mamamoo had debuted.
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Climbing into the van, the air whipped at their backs as the group shifted into their seats and the large mechanical door closed behind them. "It was so hard to hear," Wheein commented as she shook the blanket from her shoulders and wrapped it around her legs, "that wind never slowed down. Do you think we sounded all right?" Mamamoo had just finished performing in a large parking lot to a crowd of just a little over one hundred with nothing more than two speakers on either side of them to ensure the audience heard the music, but Wheein had a point, it had been difficult to hear each other.
"Either way, I'm sure someone will find something wrong with it," Hyejin said rather matter of factly from her front passenger seat, "it felt like we did all the songs right. Yongsun-ssi, is your neck any better?" From her middle bucket seat adjacent to Wheein, Yongsun rubbed the back of her neck as the van's engine turned over.
"It's fine," Yongsun lied.
"Here," Byul said from behind her, having nearly the entire backseat to herself, "lean your head forward a bit." Yongsun did as she was told, Byul's hands massaging thoroughly against the tender area. "You've been spending too much time hunched over your laptop reading articles. Bad news is bad for the soul." Byul chuckled a little but the joke didn't land well for anyone so her laughter died quickly. "We worked hard. We did well. I'm sure CEO oppa will see agree, he looked pleased enough." Her tone was meant to be encouraging so she was somewhat surprised when Yongsun turned around and coldly countered,
"It's my responsibility to know what they think so we know where to work."
"We can't change our faces, unnie," Hyejin interjected. Yongsun kept her eyes locked on Byul, however, who thereby was forced to nod and shrug in agreement. "Byul is only saying -- "
"I know!" Yongsun countered, turning her focus to the front seat as the van made a turn and she was forced against the backing.
"Don't fight," Wheein begged, her tone mildly irritated and tired, "there's nothing to fight about. Let's focus on how much everyone enjoyed today. So many smiles. Crystal clear." Byul's face broke into a grin.
"That was nice," she agreed, Hyejin humming her own confirmation. Yongsun sighed, crossing her arms, but she also nodded.
"They were singing along. Only a few songs and already -- they're singing along." Yongsun's hand reached back for Byul and for a moment, Byul stared at it, unsure what to do, but her hand took Yongsun's before her brain was able to give an opposing. The group rode back to the studio to retrieve their things in better spirits, chatting back and forth, Byul's thumb lightly rubbing across Yongsun's knuckles the whole way.
*****
Shows in parks soon followed up the parking lot showcases, and while it was nice to perform in broadcasts, Mamamoo found deeper, more meaningful enjoyment from the opportunity to see their fans' faces and get the expressive feedback from people their music was already beginning to influence. For Byul, it was an indescribable high, a place where the news or their producers' criticisms and critiques could disappear, and all that existed was a love language bred anew between her members, herself, and the people in front of or below them. It made the work real. But there was something else occurring during those times as well, something strange and wonderful.
Her eyes wandered occasionally, especially when it was her turn to do the rap section, and every once in a while, she would catch Yongsun's gaze in her own, the big browns of her leader's irises sparkling in the glisten of the stage lights or the beams of the sun, and suddenly her adrenaline kicked harder than before. The little grunt she would do at the end of her section would become a congratulatory noise over the idea her leader was in awe and approval of her performance. It made Byul so excited to get backstage and revel in another great performance, to touch Yongsun's arms, to lean heavily against her shoulder, or to smooth down the frame of her hair on her face, to pour back what she had been given. And to her private delight, Yongsun seemed to revel in the attention.
Once she had offered up the same affection to Wheein, whose smile also occasionally made her beam or giggle, and caught Yongsun staring, and finding the previous brightness of their performance dulled as Byul grabbed onto Wheein and hung on a little too long after the polite distribution time for a hug. An instinct was immediately developed then, and Byul knew to cross to Yongsun immediately and tease her in some way, a way that was definitively different from her preceding behavior. After a few playful pokes and verbal jabs, Yongsun was smiling again. And as long as Yongsun was smiling, Byul was good.
If only their music lane was as easy to navigate and elevate.
Promotions for "Mr. Ambiguous" seemed to zoom by before they were already beginning to try out new songs for their second single release. Keeping with the jazz theme established in "Hello," the name of the next song would be "Piano Man," and once again, the style didn't easily lend itself to an injection of free-flowing fast-paced lyrics, yet the pressure to succeed was prevalent every time Byul turned around. Which was why today she was in a studio room on the company's rented floor after hours, recoding and replaying section after section when Yongsun left a meeting with CEO oppa and found her. "Byul-ah?" came Yongsun's surprised voice after she opened the door, "it's late why are you still here?" Byul slumped back into the cushion of the spinning chair and held up her small notebook.
"Same reason I'm always here," she answered with a touch of defeat, "I can't compose the rap for the new song until the melody is sharpened and perfected. But for some reason, I'm still trying anyway." She tossed the notebook onto the table. "Definition of insanity."
Yongsun came in and shut the door behind her. "Then maybe that's enough work for today." Byul's eyebrow went so far up into her forehead it disappeared behind her bangs.
"Who are you and what have you done with Kim Yongsun?" she asked, turning the chair to look at Yongsun who plopped herself down in a nearby rolling chair. "I have to keep going until it's perfect."
"It can't be perfect if there aren't enough footholds to climb. Like you said. Insanity." The corners of Yongsun's eyebrows married. "You usually know that." Byul sighed.
"Oh what do you know about what I know," she grumbled, picking the notebook back up and flipping through some pages. She re-read a few lines and pulled a face before shaking her head, sensing the tense energy rolling off Yongsun in waves. "It's just not working, unnie," she admitted in defeat, an explanation for her barbed tone.
"All right. Let's do something else, then," Yongsun suggested, "maybe we can step out for a few hours? Restaurants and clothing malls are still open. We can spend that huge paycheck they gave us." Byul chuckled, knowing both their bank accounts had barely grown in the last six months. That was another internal gripe. So much work. So little payback. Except for the face of the crowd. But that doesn't put food on the table nor words on the page. "Unnie, come on, talk, don't just shut down." Byul placed the pad back on the table and nodded.
"Have you decided what cover you want to work on for the next show?" Yongsun's cheeks flushed and suddenly she seemed hell-bent on not meeting Byul's eyes for a solid five seconds before their gazes re-settled.
"There was a song I liked. Probably not for the show, but it's been stuck in my head lately. Do you know BoA sunbaenim's 'Moon and Sunrise?'" Byul's head did a strange little loop before it stilled and in its relaxation, exhumed a flustered giggle from the back of Byul's tight throat.
"It's a good song," Byul agreed, turning to the laptop and searching youtube until she found a track and pulled it up.
"What are you doing?"
"Sing it," Byul insisted as the music began.
"No," Yongsun countered although she stood and began looking for a disconnected microphone on the table. "Besides it's not -- " but Yongsun didn't get the chance to finish before the introduction shifted into the first verse. Byul watched as Yongsun's eyes shut and she began to lightly sway side to side with the feel of the music. The notes were a little higher than was usually comfortable for her range, but Yongsun's prowess was nothing to scoff at. When the chorus began to climb, Yongsun's head voice tricked right up to each pitch, hitting them perfectly.
"The high sky, like your heart, only gets farther away.
My falling tears are protecting my heart.
I can’t forget that love of yours.
That white cloud, too, is changing little by little,
like you at this moment.
Joy, warmth, and even this love will probably
begin to change very slowly."
By the end of the first chorus, Yongsun opened her eyes from the spell of the song and stamped her foot at Byul who had a big shit-eating grin on her face. "Oh-wah, what? Don't just sit there smiling at me like that."
Chuckling, Byul grabbed another disconnected microphone and began the next verse. It was very close to being out of her range and her head voice didn't sound as confident as Yongsun's had, but she sang confidently anyway.
"How many memories must
I hold onto as I live . . .
But I know, that since I’ve met you
I’ve been happy."
When the chorus circled around this time, Yongsun took the high part of the melody while Byul harmonized beneath her. The rich tone of Byul's fuller, lower vocal richness resonated gorgeously beneath the breathy runs of Yongsun's higher notes and when Yongsun closed her eyes and turned her head the tiniest bit as if her mouth was both chasing after as well as unleashing the power in the swell of the music, Byul's volume increased to support the musical branch they landed on.
"The wind comes blowing.
Even today the path becomes covered with fallen leaves.
Your voice only slowly gets farther and farther away.
There’s a moon that shines on me
and there’s a shining sun.
Like that, after time passes, I’ll probably be able to forget you.
Even if its a fake, for each other we must smile.
My falling tears fall your appearance.
So that I can laugh when we meet again."
As the song died away, the pair were left with nothing more to do than to stare at each other, smiling. "Wow," Yongsun whispered, and for a moment, against the rhythmic hammering in her chest, Byul thought Yongsun was going to say something remarkable. And she did. Sort of. "We would make a great subunit, don't you think?" Clearing her throat, Byul nodded, wanting to say something clever or sweet, but unable to help herself, landed on,
"Presumptuous, unnie! Just because we sound amazing together you think I want to do a subunit?" Yongsun made a "psh," noise, shoving Byul's shoulder and the younger girl fell back into her chair dramatically.
"Stop being weird," Yongsun insisted, leaning over Byul to scroll through the computer's selection of other tracks. Her torso was very close, so close in fact that neither of them found it strange when Byul's hand reached up and gently stroked the outside of Yongsun's ribs. "Byul-ah," Yongsun laughed, "don't I'm ticklish." Byul giggled and did it again, with a lot more mischievous precision so Yongsun had to curl away from her. "I said stop!" Yongsun demanded, her own hands reaching out to dig into Byul's ribs.
"No good," she said, placing her hands on her head, exposing the entirety of her sides and underarms to her attacker. "I'm not ticklish." Yongsun ran her hands up and down Byul's clothed skin and practically dug her fists into the seated woman's pits, but the laughter coming from Byul's lips was from the frustrated look on Yongsun's face only.
"Ai-shh," Yongsun chided, finally caving but giving Byul a swift kick at the ankle before picking up Byul's notebook and immediately putting a distance between them as she flipped a few pages.
"No," Byul contended, up like a flash and snatching the notebook from her, "it's -- I don't care if you read it it's just filled with half ideas." Yongsun shrugged.
"Why would I not want to see that? Maybe I can help." Byul laughed, for real this time and Yongsun's cheeks flushed. "What? I can rap too you know, I've been taking lessons!" Byul shook her head and resumed the recline of her seat.
"I know, unnie, I know. It's just -- it's the pressure."
"All idols are under a lot of pressure," Yongsun reminded, her tone sounding a little disregarding in Byul's mind so she decided to clarify.
"This is a different kind of pressure. The kind that -- " Byul sighed, " -- I confess. You -- you're not the only one reading what they're writing about us." Yongsun's expression softened as she sat back in the opposite chair. "I saw Hyejin in the bathroom a few days ago. She had been crying before and was trying to pull herself together before coming into rehearsal. She'd read a comment on an article that was making fun of how dark her skin was, another one saying how Wheein is too short to be an idol, and -- " Byul bit her top lip and shook her head, " -- and so I read what she was talking about. And people they're -- let's just say I can see why CEO oppas said what they did." Yongsun crossed her arms and studied Byul's face for a moment before she reached out and took Byul's hand.
"We're at the table because we deserve to be here," she insisted but Byul shook her head.
"I'm a rapper in a vocal performance group. Why?" It was the first time Yongsun was hearing of this so her eyebrows creased together with a thickness that loosened Byul's lips even further. "I want to be in Mamamoo. But to keep my slot I have to be perfect. Write perfect. And I feel like I'm failing." Yongsun's hand squeezed Byul's as she leaned forward, her voice dropping to a soothing pitch Byul had never heard her use before.
"This is just the beginning. You're right. You're in Mamamoo because you're supposed to be here. You're doing wonderful, we all see that. You have to see it too, Byul-ah. Wait for the song to be finished. You'll see. You'll come up with the exact right thing to make our sound complete." Byul was taken aback so far that she nearly fell out of her chair. Yongsun wasn't one to shovel out compliments, even when it had to be mixed with criticism, but the words she used now? It cut right to Byul's core. She shook her head to stave off potential tears but didn't stop herself from following the instinct to stand and pull Yongsun into a tight hug. "All right, all right, enough," Yongsun requested, after a few seconds. When they parted, neither could hide their matching smiles. "Don't act like I never say anything nice," Yongsun added, a twinge of a blush creeping into her cheeks.
"Your words are as beautiful as your smile," Byul muttered, meaning it in all seriousness but was repaid with a puckish shove at her shoulder.
"Ew, don't," Yongsun chided although her smile matched a forthcoming giggle, "don't ever do that again, that sounds so greasy." Byul's eyebrow ticked up into her bangs.
"If you say so," she skillfully answered, already lying in wait for when she could do it again.
-----------
Mamamoo was always in their element when they were allowed to feed off each other. Their lessons and training prepared them what to say in interviews, even if their inherent introverted personalities sometimes made them stutter, but put them in a game situation? It was camera gold. Their manager tried to book as many of these options as possible, and this time they were playing a game surrounded by sticky notes filled with questions they had to answer. While simple in execution, the girls were having a riot, joking with each other and making up half-truth answers that made them sound witty or clever -- or in some cases were outright embarrassing. Those usually came from Hyejin who reveled in seeing her sisters' faces squish in flustered humor. "All right," the male interviewer said just off-camera, catching the girls' attention, "this time reach for a quote or idea that you want to embrace in the future." All four members' attention flitted around the room, quickly reading as many sticky notes as possible. Hyejin stuck a piece of paper to Wheein's forehead who seemed utterly unbothered by the maneuver as they both bent down to make their selections.
Yongsun watched as Byul on the other hand, reached up as far as she could and when her fingers brushed against the paper, the leader stepped up beside her, using the paper in her own hand as a fulcrum against the immovable piece until she swiped it down for her member. "Thank you, unnie," Byul said, reading it over again and then blushing a bit, "ah, this may be too much." Immediately, Yongsun's attention peaked as she craned her head over Byul's shoulder to read what was written, "it's so cliche." Wheein at that moment snuck up behind Byul and read what was written aloud,
"You want to be more free?" Byul brought her hands down to her side and nodded, facing the camera, while Yongsun stared on at her with a soft and somewhat sympathetic smile before commenting,
"But girls can act freely too." Byul visibly swallowed, attention remaining in the direction of the camera as she nodded and held up the card to the tiny screen.
"Guess I'm caught," she confessed, her smile growing broader, hearing but not hearing Yongsun's words that were meant to be encouraging but somehow only made her feel more flustered.
Mixed in with the answers were also questions that they handed off between themselves to read, and in an effort to detract from the weird sensations Byul was feeling she read the slip of paper Yongsun handed to her. "Pushing ahead -- who would you like to do a subunit with?" Byul's eyes flickered up to Yongsun for a brief moment who presented her with such a grin that the only thing Byul could think to do in response was to strike a cheesy pose with an even cheesier smile as Yongsun saddled up right next to her.
"We are Moon and Sun," Yongsun said into the camera, "I'm the sun so my name is Solar." Instantaneously embarrassed, Yongsun hid her face against the slips of paper in her hand and left Byul to conclude her answer,
"I would like to do a subunit with Solar unnie." The dopey spread of their grins reached back to their other members when Byul added, "Moon and -- "
"Sunrise!" Yongsun added. Hyejin shook her head and laughed.
"Ok, ok, move along."
"Next, next," Wheein teasingly insisted, rubbing her hands up Yongsun's arms to quell her flustered stance, both she and Hyejin pretending they didn't notice the fact Byul and Yongsun's goofy expressions had yet to submerge even a fraction. That was going to change in less than a second, though, as the interviewer said,
"Actually that will conclude this section. Before we hear your new song, 'Piano Man,' we have a question from fans on Twitter, this one is for Moonbyul," Byul's face twitched a bit at being singled out, but Hyejin merely patted the girl's shoulder as the interviewer continued, "it says, 'Byul-unnie has a charm that anyone can love, men or women. Does she know she's becoming the next big Girl Crush?'" Byul heard a set of heels behind her take a few steps back and when she glanced over her shoulder, Yongsun gave her a half-smile before it fluttered away completely. Struck by the question, Byul was left with little else to do other than laugh and shrug.
"I leave myself in our fans' care," Byul said with a wink and a tiny salute. Immediately, Wheein screeched and Hyejin laughed while Yongsun audibly groaned. The tension from moments ago was broken as even the interviewer laughed. The girls made their way back to their assigned stools to slip their headphones on and begin the live presentation of their new song.
The compliment had sent Byul's mind whirling, and strangely, it made her more clingy for Yongsun's attention. But apart from acknowledgment, Yongsun didn't seem interested in returning any of the skinship indicators Byul had tried giving off. As the group waited with their manager and crew by the door for their van to pull up, the group immediately going down the road for their performance on "The Show" later that evening, Byul tried taking Yongsun's hand. The older woman twitched as if electrocuted before she turned her head and through the pursing of her lips, took Byul's hand. "You startled me," Yongsun scolded, lightly squeezing Byul's hand before dropping it to pull her bag higher up her shoulder, even though there was no possibility of falling.
"Why are you mad at me?" Byul asked, feeling vulnerable from the whiplash of the interview, first from Yongsun's prideful announcement of wanting to musically pair them together, to this weird semi-consistent state of annoyance at Byul's standard reactions with her. She wanted to get to the bottom of things before her temper made her say something she'd regret. "Did I do something?"
"No, Byul-ah," Yongsun said, "you didn't do anything. I'm not mad at you."
"Well then why did you -- " Byul yanked her hand back, swinging it over her head in exaggeration. Yongsun's eyebrows popped up then down as she turned to Byul. Behind them, Wheein and Hyejin took a solid step back.
"Don't be dramatic," Yongsun reprimanded, "I've got a lot on my mind. It doesn't have anything to do with you."
"Well you're taking it out on me," Byul insisted. Wheein patted her shoulder.
"Unnies, unnies, don't, it's all right, we're all nervous about the performance." Yongsun turned around, her tone even more ferociously berating,
"I'm not nervous!"
"Woah," Hyejin interjected, sticking her finger up to Yongsun who immediately turned her ire on their maknae,
"Don't put your finger in my face!"
"Don't yell at Wheein!" Hyejin countered, "Work it out, Yong-ssi, but not on us!" Byul's face in the meantime began to soften even amidst the rise of her temper because this was and was not a typical thing to see from Yongsun in the last month. They were all stressed, but it still took a lot for Yongsun to blow her top, especially at Wheein of all people.
The van pulled up outside as the girls' took a breath and quickly filed into the vehicle. Once they were all shuttled in there was a temporary icy climate within the cabin before Hyejin broke the silence. "The interviewer was right," Hyejin said, handing her phone back to Byul in the back seat, "apparently our Byul-ah is shaping up to be a real Girl Crush. Women especially can't seem to get enough of you."
"Really?" Byul asked, taking Hyejin's phone, her voice rising a bit at the end to indicate she found this particularly interesting as she scrolled through and read the article. "You guys, apparently there are a lot of women who connect with us. Especially, well, especially gay women. Of all kinds." Byul's gaze shifted between her other three members. The foursome looked between themselves as they absorbed this information. After several seconds, it was Wheein who said,
"That's really cool," with a huge smile on her face. "Don't you think so, Yongsun-ssi?" Yongsun glanced back at Byul's hopeful expression, the pair of them reading something inexplicable between them before Yongsun's hand extended to Wheein and with a warmth absent from her earlier tone agreed,
"That's amazing. If we can reach anyone who feels different -- well, I think that speaks to what Mamamoo is about." Hyejin nodded with a smile of her own as Byul handed Hyejin her phone and then reached out to take Yongsun's other hand once it was passed off.
"You going to be all right with sharing me with thousands of other women, Yongsun-ssi?" she teased, and immediately Yongsun pulled her hand free and began wailing it in Byul's direction. Byul brought her hands up to lightly guard against the assault as Wheein laughed at the small spat and Hyejin went back to scrolling through her phone.
"That interview got to you. You're carrying over your greasiness," Yongsun scolded as she brandished an over the top frown and Wheein added,
"Moon-Greasy is what we should call you." Yongsun's face widened in a large "O" as Hyejin cackled. Byul had the good grace to look only mildly offended.
"They like it. My fans like me just as I am," Yongsun's fist swung in Byul's general direction yet again.
"Then save it for them, and leave me out of it," Yongsun insisted, reaching into her bag to pull out her own phone. Byul leaned forward, wrapping a piece of Yongsun's hair behind her ear,
"Is that why you were being weird earlier? You were jealous?" Without acknowledgment or response, Yongsun slapped Byul's hand away, hard, and turned forward in her seat. "Ow," Byul muttered, though her hand barely stung. "Unnie." There was a twinge of hurt in her voice, but Yongsun didn't respond. Byul's gaze shifted to Wheein who could nothing other than shrug and sigh before turning her own attention out the window. Byul slumped against her seat as she registered the fact she had struck a chord with their leader. Jealous? Why? I was playing . . . it's always just playing . . . Byul's own brow knit as she felt her temper start to bubble. Reaching into her bag she whipped out her phone and pretended to be interested in her game as they finished the rest of the drive in moderate silence, telling herself she didn't care every time she looked over to Yongsun and still had yet to see her turn once in her direction. She didn't care. Really.
-------
"This was a bad idea," Yongsun muttered under her breath as she and Byul hauled a large clothing bag between them. The elevator was broken in their apartment building and they were forced to trudge up the stairs with their arms filled with shopping bags from their clothing and grocery excursion. Each arm was loaded and between them was a bag that probably weighed twenty pounds filled with boxes and cans. The only way they could think to get it up the stairs was to share the load. Byul leaned against the wall, nearly knocking her arm as she agreed,
"Of course it was a bad idea but what else were we going to do?" Yongsun groaned as they trudged up the final steps to their apartment. "Sometimes all we're left with are bad ideas." They lifted together one last time, plopping the bag down at the top of the steps. Yongsun took a large step forward, skipping one of the steps as Byul accidentally nudged her.
"Don't do that!" she snapped, turning over her shoulder, "Why are you always there? Always on my right side! It's like I can't get away from you!" She turned back and climbed the rest of the way as Byul's lips thinned and pressed together between her teeth. Yongsun reached into her pocket for the apartment key as Byul's hands wrapped around the handle for the bag and she started to drag it across the concrete floor. "It'll split, what are you thinking?!" Yongsun berated, the door swinging open in front of them.
"I don't know, Yongsun, apparently I don't ever think!" Byul hefted the bag with a large grunt and stormed into the kitchen, not stopping until the bags in her arms were splayed across the kitchen table. The pair of them shared the space with Hyejin and today Wheein was also over rehearsing some new rifts for their next appearance on "Immortal Songs." Both Byul and Yongsun could hear them behind the shut door of the single bedroom they all had to share that included one upright sofa chair and one bed they all took turns sleeping in. Byul's foot kicked the carcass of yet another dead roach on the floor as she began sorting through her bags to the sounds of Hyejin and Wheein's harmonizing voices. Yongsun slammed the front door and approached.
"That's not what I said," Yongsun snapped, setting her own bags down and trying to make eye contact with Byul to no avail. "You're purposefully misunderstanding!" Yongsun let out a long sigh when Byul didn't stop unpacking the assortment of clothes and groceries. She was stacking the canned kimchi to put in their small corner hutch when Yongsun reached over and grabbed Byul's wrist, Byul yanked her hand free and turned on her heel.
"Don't! Back off, Yong, you've put me in a really bad mood!" Reaching deep into one of the bags, Yongsun pulled out a box of frosted flakes and slammed it onto the table.
"I've put you in a bad mood?! You've barely said anything kind to me since we left this morning!"
"That's because if I wasn't getting the cold shoulder from you then you were snipping at me for some way I was annoying you! I was just trying to be fun, playful, engage with you! We spend all of our time together now for fuck's sakes, I'm just trying to make the best out of the situation!"
"Best out of the situation?" Yongsun sounded genuinely hurt as she repeated what Byul said.
"Oh, unnie, that's not what I meant, why do you focus on words that much!"
"So what did you mean?" Byul's hands threw themselves into the air. Their voices were now louder than the music in the other room, which was now adjusting its volume to overhear what was going on.
"I don't know, unnie! Ok? You're right, I don't know what I mean most of the time!" Byul gathered the kimchi cans into her arms as she crossed behind Yongsun and the table to unload them into their small cabinet hutch, an antique gift her brother had given her so she would feel like she had a place to put a few of her things. She'd decided instead to share the storage space with her sisters. Not that anyone had said thank you.
"Why do you do that?" Yongsun asked, her voice frigid but several decibels lower than it had been moments ago.
"Do what?" Byul asked, not even bothering to turn around. "What is it you're actually angry with me about Yongsun? Tell me so we can get it out of the way." Yongsun crossed over to Byul, grabbing the dip of her elbow and spinning her around to face her. Luckily the younger woman had cleared her hands of any food. Yongsun slammed the cabinet door, a large cracking sound echoing next to Byul's ear. "Ah, shit, unnie!" Byul shouted, shoulder checking Yongsun as she side-stepped her, sticking her finger in her ear to clear it. Yongsun stayed in her spot, but now there were the beginnings of frustrated tears in her eyes as she turned and exclaimed,
"Why do you have to be like this?!" The bedroom door opened quietly as Hyejin and Wheein's heads appeared, checking in officially. Byul turned around and there was an extended pause as the pair stared at each other, possibly temporarily trying to read the other's mind. It worked sometimes. Yongsun crossed her arms and with a snap of watery defiance added, "You should change. You shouldn't be this way." Byul's hand lowered from where it had been resting against her neck as her spine elongated. There was something in Yongsun's tone, an indicator that was thickly tangible, something akin to a snaring plant that clutched around Byul's heart and throat. Yongsun shifted, looking away for only a moment as her lips puckered in against her teeth and then back out. Byul's fist's clutched at her side, fingernails embedding deep in the skin of her palm as it began to tremble.
"Byul-ssi," Wheein cautioned, she and Hyejin crossing closer to them sensing what was about to happen, but Byul's vision was starting to fray at the edges.
"I am what I am," Byul answered, her voice defiant, firm, but only for a second before her tone cracked, "Is that suddenly a problem for you? What exactly is so damaged about me that you think needs to be changed?"
"Byul-ssi, she didn't say damaged, don't put words in her mouth," Hyejin countered but Yongsun took a few steps closer to Byul.
"I don't need you to defend me, Hyejin-ah," Yongsun insisted, "she -- she knows how confusing she can be!" Yongsun and Byul were now only a few inches from each other, eyes locked as their minds vied for the subtext beneath what was and wasn't being said. It was a language Byul heard very clearly in her head for the first time and the first barb from Yongsun's lips from moments before, on the steps where Yongsun asked why she "always had to be on her right side" cut through to her now like a Ginsu. They were always together. Yongsun's hand always extending to her right where she knew Byul always was. Byul had thought it was what Yongsun wanted, she was constantly clinging whether there were cameras or not, never performative, always sincere. What about that was confusing? Byul thought she had been crystal clear. Yongsun on the other hand?
"And you aren't?" Byul asked, barely above a biting whisper. A challenge. One that Yongsun answered by opening up the cereal box and tossing the entire top of the cereal contents into Byul's face.
"Woah!" Wheein yelled, but Byul yanked the box from Yongsun's grasp and did the exact same to her. Yongsun, anticipating Byul's reaction, closed her eyes and turned her head giving Byul the opportunity to encroach on her space, pressing her forehead against Yongsun's. Both women were breathing hard, the pressure against the other's forehead the only physical indication the fight had now switched from verbal to physical. Hyejin grabbed the box out of Byul's hands and before either of them could grab the other, Hyejin's arms were around Byul and Wheein's were around Yongsun. In pulling them apart, Byul grunted loudly in Yongsun's direction as Yongsun's leg lifted, kicking in Byul's direction.
"That's it," Hyejin said, half-pulling, half-dragging Byul across the room as the pair snorted and panted in protest, "Wheein and I have work to do. You two need to work it out." Hyejin shoved Byul into the bedroom, Wheein following suit with Yongsun. Both of them crumpled onto the small twin mattress, fuming, as Wheein added,
"We're turning our track up, and by the time we're done practicing we want our friends back to normal. Got it?" Wheein closed the door, and seconds later loud instrumentation was playing from the living room.
Byul was the first to stand, crossing away from the bed, grumbling to the door, "Who do they think they are? We're older than them! They shouldn't treat us that way."
"They're just trying to help," Yongsun whispered. Byul turned and saw Yongsun sitting on the edge of the bed, legs and arms crossed, eyes set on the floor. "It's not their fault we don't know how to talk to each other without fighting." Byul's tongue clicked as her gaze bounced off the various angles of the bedroom's bare walls.
"We're too alike," Byul muttered. And perhaps she was right, but Yongsun didn't like the implication any which way and it was enough to re-light the spark from earlier.
"Why do you always say stuff like that?" she asked, getting to her feet, and against Byul's oncoming expression shifted her own to one of perplexed defense.
"Like what? You don't think it's true?"
"There's a big difference between us and it drives me up the wall! You never say what you mean, you always bottle shit up until we're here, and it's not just me. It's with anyone! With teachers, with CEO, with the maknaes, you just -- you worry me. I'm worried you're going to keep so much inside until one day you're going to explode and then where does that leave me? What pieces do you leave for me to clean up if something happens to you? Don't you care what that would do to me? Don't you care that -- "
Yongsun never got to finish her sentence because it had been stopped in her tracks by Byul's lips on hers. It was just a press, quick but full, moreover, it was an entire beat before Yongsun backed away. Her eyes had been open the whole time so she watched as Byul's slowly re-opened. What have you done? Yongsun thought beneath the swirling confusion clouding up in her mind.
Time had frozen Yongsun into a state of shock and Byul into a state of panic. And what happened when Byul got nervous? "One less thing to keep inside?" she joked. Byul took a step back, on the verge of crying as Yongsun's unchanged expression began to make her system race, and it reflected in her fidgeting expression. "Unnie, say something," she begged a smile teetering on her lips but quickly evaporating as Yongun's eyes darted and landed at certain points in the room as if she were searching for something specific. Byul's hands shoved into her back pockets as she stared up at the ceiling. "Shit," she muttered, "shit shit shit, why did I do that?" Her eyes closed as she licked her lips, immediately regretting saying that out loud. She shook her head and lowered it, preparing the inevitable apology to take back what just happened, "Unnie, I -- " but this time she was also cut off by a pair of lips against her own.
Only this time they lingered, massaged against the paired pressure. Byul's hand reached out and cupped Yongsun's cheek. They were both trembling. It was that quiet quaking that pulled them apart as they stared into one another's eyes looking for the right words, hoping they could find them in the other person. When they couldn't, Yongsun said the only thing that sounded acceptable in the moment: "We shouldn't have done that," in a regretful whisper that sounded unconvinced of the sentiment.
"No?" Byul asked, her gaze flicking down to Yongsun's lips and back up to her large brown eyes. Yongsun's eye-line however remained firmly planted on Byul's lips, her breath hitching in her chest so high that she inhaled a gasp that morphed into a crack of tears. Yongsun's hands immediately covered her eyes, as she was prone to do when her emotions felt truly and uncontrollably vulnerable. Immediately Byul wrapped her arms around Yongsun's shoulders and squeezed. "It's all right, unnie. It's all right. We're all right. It -- it doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to. You're safe. I promise I'll always make sure you're safe. Please . . . please don't cry." But she held Yongsun anyway until the tears passed, swallowing her own down until she was certain Yongsun would only be met with a dry smile.
"It can't mean anything," Yongsun insisted mournfully, and unlike her first verbal reaction to their kiss, Byul had a feeling this was far more serious. And necessary. Byul shook her head.
"Then it doesn't." The color drained out of Yongsun's cheeks as she nodded, stepping out of Byul's arms and wrapping her arms around her shoulders in a crude replacement of Byul's embrace. Byul mirrored her.
"All right," Yongsun confirmed, nodding this decision into existence. "We're all right?" Yongsun's head raised, but her eye-line skipped to and from Byul's line of sight. Byul's finger traced down Yongsun's cheek.
"We're always all right," she reassured, "I'm going to go for a walk. I -- I think I need to clear my head." Yongsun looked somewhat wounded at the suggestion but only for a moment.
"Whatever you need to do." Byul didn't bother offering up another platitude to ease the ice-pick prick pain between them. Instead, she crossed to the door and opened it, leaving it wide for Yongsun to decide whatever she needed to do next. Seconds later the front door opened and shut.
Hyejin and Wheein poked their heads in and upon seeing Yongsun standing there with tears streaming down her face, they decided to step back out of the room only for Wheein to call out to her,
"I'm making kimchi fried rice for dinner. Let me know when you're hungry."
*********
A few days later it seemed like everything had gotten back to normal. The promotions for "Piano Man" ended and CEO-oppas were excited about a collaboration for their next album. Mamamoo continued to play for any audience that would have them, finding more and more fans along the way even in the sea of critics who didn't know what to make of them in a largely unified visual world. Mamamoo was different, and the members knew that in more ways than one. Different was all right with Yongsun to a degree, but what she and Byul had unearthed? That -- that could be deadly. What did it matter that every time Byul made a greasy joke and she laughed harder than she had all day if they weren't allowed to see their dreams to fruition? What sort of life could they even have if there was more to the kiss they shared than just a moment's appeasement of curiosity? It was too much.
And Byul seemed to agree, not bringing the moment up again apart from the following day where she had checked in with Yongsun after spending the night at her brother's house. It had been Byul's words after all that had cemented their decision: "There are bigger things than us when it comes to who we want to be in this life," Byul had said, "and no matter what we feel, if there's anything to feel, it doesn't have to be bigger than Mamamoo." Yongsun had been shocked at Byul's response and thought about trying to tease her to ease the tension but Byul's followed solemn confession had taken the desire right out of her sails: "I will try to work on saying what I mean when I mean it. It's not bad for people to change."
It was all so confusing, this thing with Byul, whatever it was. What wasn't confusing was how much they loved performing, how much they loved their work even when it was hard, and even when there were stern words or tears. That was where they were a unit. Yongsun was proud of them for admitting that. Even if she missed Byul sleeping beside her at night, opting to take the large chair from now on to keep things from being even more confusing. Even if they caught each other staring and didn't look away, even in public. Even if they knew that lies could only shape a future for so long.
Even if . . .
