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“Goodbye, Dea-”
Dean’s eyes had spot wide open, hands gripping onto his blanket.
Seven months… It had been seven months since-- and still he relived it almost every night in his nightmares.
He shook his head and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes before he reached over and pet Miracle, who was asleep on the edge of his bed.
He checked the time on his phone, realizing it was way too early for him. He knew there was no going back to sleep, so he got up, maneuvering through the stacks of books and beer bottles on his floor, and headed for the kitchen.
He fixed himself coffee, taking water and food to Miracle’s bowl, before heading to the main room, knowing Sam was due back from Eileen’s soon, and figured he could say hi since he was up anyway. If he grabbed a few of the lore books from his floor after filling the dog’s bowl, that was his business, and he’d ignore whatever damn pitying look Sam would give him when he caught him looking through them again.
“Dammit, Jack… you said you’d be hands off.. But please kid, please be doing something about this,” he said to possibly no one, possibly his son, who the hell knew at this point.
He’d just shoved another useless book across the map table, cursing under his breath as he did, when he heard the door open.
“Dean! We’re back, you here?” Sam called as he headed down the stairs, “Eileen came back with me.”
“Yeah, right here man.” Dean called as he looked over, “What’s with the shopping bags? There better be food in there.” He complained, before signing and saying “Hello, good to see you.” to Eileen. Yes, she could read their lips well, but she was part of his little brother’s life now, it felt rude not to try learning.
Sam rolled his eyes before placing the bags on the table, “No, Dean. It’s decorations.”
“For what? You planning on throwing a party or something?” Dean asked while he started plundering through the bags. “The hell did you get Christmas decorations for? We ain’t normally the type to decorate, Sammy. Pretty sure what we did a few months ago banned us from celebrating anyway.”
“Secular celebrations are common too, you know,” Sam pointed out, before heading back up the steps, “I’m going to get the box with the tree from the car.”
Dean looked to Eileen, sighing the parts of the sentence he knew, but talking directly to her as well, “You put him up to this?”
“Well, maybe a little.” she shrugged, “Not many hunts now, and people that do what we do don’t get many chances to celebrate with their family and friends. We thought it would be nice. He also talked to Jody who said she and Donna are planning the same with the girls.”
Dean sighed, “Guess we’re decorating then. But i can’t promise I’m buying either of you anything. The only one in this place that didn’t spring it on me is the dog.” He halfheartedly complained… right as Miracle wandered in and laid his head in Eileen’s lap. “Nevermind, he’s a traitor in this too.”
“Go help your brother get the box down the stairs,” Eileen said with a bit of a laugh.
“Yeah alright, you spoil my dog and I’ll do the heavy lifting,” Dean nodded as he got up. He liked the friendship he’d formed with Eileen. He’d always liked her, but the expression on Sam’s face when she answered the call on her laptop after Jack brought everyone back. Well, anyone that could do that for Sam, was instantly part of what Dean considered family.
‘At least one of--’
No, he wasn’t letting himself finish that thought. If Sam wanted some decorations, maybe a few gifts and calls from their friends, Dean would give him that much. Besides, the 25th was less than a week away, he could handle pretending to enjoy it that long.
For Sam and Eileen to get another step towards normal, he could handle it.
He got to the top of the stairs right as Sam got back to the door, “Your girlfriend told me to help you not drop it down the stairs.”
“Thanks,” Sam deadpanned as he let Dean get one end of the box. “It’s not heavy, but the stairs are steep.”
They got it down the stairs, and Eileen had moved a few chairs out of the way to make room amongst one of the many shelves and the wall for the tree.
“Alright, you two crazy kids have fun decorating it all,” Dean said after he helped assemble the tree. Which, when he asked Sam why, was told “So you don’t harass me about the pine needles that would fall.” but Dean ignored it.
“Wait, you’re not going to help us?” Sam asked, but it was clear in his voice he wasn’t shocked.
“Nah, you two be all cute and domestic and decide what goes where, I’m sure it’ll look nice.” he shrugged, picking his books up from the table, “I’m going to go look through these or watch something on the laptop until lunch, or whatever.” he said, still trying his best to sign what words he could.
He waved to them over his shoulder after turning to walk towards his bedroom, Miracle getting up and following him.
Dean had been in his room for a few hours reading through books, and taking breaks to pet Miracle when the dog demanded it. He knew there wasn’t anything he would find, but he had to try. He knew it… but he wasn’t going to give up.
Not on Cas, never on Cas.
“Screw it,” he grumbled as he tossed aside the last book he had in his room, “Gotta ask Sam to get some out of the dungeon.” He knew his brother had probably figured out why he hadn’t gone back to that room, but so far Sam hadn’t outright said anything.
Granted, Dean had only vaguely explained to Sam, one night when both were a bit drunk, what the bullshit deal with the Empty had been.
Dean, and well probably Jack since Dean had prayed to him a lot, was the only one that fully knew what went down.
He shook those thoughts as he got back to the main room of the Bunker. He couldn’t help but smile a bit, seeing all the hard work Sam and Eileen had put into decorating.
There were several battery operated candles and tinsel and green crap on the tables, and red and gold garland about the banisters all the way down the stairs, lights strung amongst them.
His eyes drifted over to the tree right as Sam noticed him, “Looks kinda random, huh?” he asked when he caught Sam and Eileen’s eye, signing the “crowded?” as it was the only sign he’d learned that could describe it. The star at the top was old and clearly well loved, but everything else seemed new.
“I guess, but it’s things to represent all of our family,” Same explained, “You can take a look at them.”
“The star belonged to my adoptive mother,” Eileen explained, “I kept it ever after she passed, and brought it since I’ll be here for Christmas.”
Dean smiled at that, “Hey, no complaints from me, you and your family should be part of this as much as us,” he reminded her. “If no other reason than you keeping Sammy here in line.” he added in a teasing manner to not get too emotional, before turning back to look at the tree.
Now that he looked at the tree, knowing what their theme had been, a few items stood out. The first thing he saw a little scene with a woman and two small children, a sad smile reaching his lips as he thought of their mom.
Two badges hanging close to each other, but they both had ‘badass’ written on them instead of what there ‘legal’ jobs are, he’d have to send pictures of that to Jody and Donna later, along with the stethoscope, crystal ball, and two girls building a snowman that were all nearby.
He noticed other things as well, a couple trucker caps, clearly meant to represent both Bobbys, the one they lost and the one currently on a rogue werewolf hunt in Nevada. A mother and son decorating a tree, a representation of Kevin and his mom.
He laughed sadly at the Princess Leia ornament with a D20 glued in her hands, knowing it was to represent their Charlie, but he knew if he looked long enough he’d find ones to represent their other Charlie and Stevie.
Next he noticed a pair of wolves and three wolf cubs, an old timey lookin’ tv with a dollar store mustache sticker stuck on it, two crowns, sat a bit apart, one all red gems, the other clearly sharpied in with black.
He looked around, seeing more things he could recognize, laughing at the bone with a bow around to represent Miracle, which Sam said the dog could have when they took the tree down, since it was from the pet store and edible.
And that’s when Dean noticed the ornaments arranged in a circle in the front, his breath catching in his throat. At the center was a MilkyWay candy bar ornament with a bite out of it. It was surrounded by a woman holding a heart, for Kelly Kline, a hand posed in the ASL for ‘I love you’ for Eileen, a laptop with ‘signs of ghosts’ sharpied into the search bar on the sticker, a slice of apple pie, and…
And next to all of that.
Next to all of that, was what stole Dean’s breath.
It was simple, a little wooden ornament with wings, and it was clear that Sam had carefully painted it, a tan coat, a blue tie and blue eyes and dark brown hair.
He had no idea how long he just stared at it, or when the tears started streaming down his face, or how many times Sam had called his name.
“Something I can’t have…”
“Because it is…”
“I love you.”
“Goodby-”
“FUCKING DAMN IT!” Dean finally yelled out, checking his pocket for his keys and storming toward the garage, shrugging Sam off when he tried to reach for Dean to stop him, “Going for a fucking drive.”
Dean drove aimlessly for over an hour, he found an empty park, so he parked and got out. Later he’d remember this place and bring Miracle here to play. Now though… he was just walking around, hands shoved in his pockets, and pissed. At what? He didn’t fucking know, not exactly.
Maybe at Sam for his stupid ornament ideas, maybe at Eileen for helping with it.
Maybe he was pissed at every damn thing that had ever happened in his life that to him storming off after crying over a stupid little Christmas ornament.
Except it wasn’t stupid, and he wasn’t angry about any of that nonsense.
He was pissed off at himself, for everything. For rushing in after Billie and taking Cas with him, for not being able to stop him, for not--, for being unable to find ANYTHING FUCKING USEFUL in the whole library they live in.
Seven months and he’d not found even the start of a clue, not heard anything from Jack, who maybe couldn’t do anything anyway, what did Dean know, but damn it he was going to try.
“JACK! You listening up there, or wherever the hell you are?” Dean screamed into the open park. “I don’t know what you’re doing, or if you are trying to bring him back, or if that idiot isn’t letting you, or what. BUT DAMN IT YOU GET HIM BACK HERE NOW! Seven months since that asshole sacrificed himself because of you and I.”
“You know what the deal was, and I guarantee you know what he said, so stop WHATEVER THE FUCK you’re doing, AND GET CAS BACK HERE!” the last part of that yelled through sobs.
“You bring him back to me. And you better tell that dumbass we’re waiting for him. No you tell him I’m waiting for him so I can yell at him for being so stupid!” He stormed back off to the Impala, not noticing the white suit and kind eyes, standing near the trees, because blink and it was gone.
Dean continued to drive around after that for a few hours, stopping only once to get gas. He grabbed whatever random fried food the gas station was offering that day, fully prepared to get home late and avoid eating and talking with Sam and Eileen.
Except that his brother is Sam Winchester.
So of course when he finally got back to the Bunker around midnight, Sam was sitting at the map table, clearly waiting on him, if the look on his face was anything to go by.
“Save it, Sammy,” Dean muttered, not looking at him, “I don’t need sympathy, you know that.” he continued, as he continued down the stairs.
“This isn’t about sympathy, even though we could all use it from each other right now.” Sam assured him, “But you do need to talk about it. You’ve been looking through lore books constantly, you won’t go to the room where it happened. And now you were full on crying over an ornament to represent him.”
“And so what if I did?” Dean practically hissed, “Look, I let you and Eileen decorate, and I’m not making you take it down, leave it at that. Be happy, and let me do what I have to so maybe I can be eventually.”
“Wallowing in beer bottles and books that don’t have anything on how to revive him isn’t going to help you get there.” Sam said in a voice that clearly showed the sympathy Dean didn’t want. “Do you think Cas would want you to not find something or someone to make you happy? He wouldn’t want you hurting like this forev-”
Dean slammed his fist into the side of one of the shelves, “Shut the fuck up, Sam. He’s fucking gone BECAUSE he wanted the exact fucking opposite of that.”
“Dean that doesn’t make any sense, he would want you hap-”
“I SAID SHUT UP” Dean glared at him, eyes full of anger and pain, “You want me to talk so fucking bad? Fine. I told you the deal he made with the Empty. Well the thing that activated it? The thing that killed him? Yeah, his moment of happiness? It wasn’t just being able to save me.”
His fist was still clenched against the shelf, and he pressed harder against it, “His happiness… was telling me he loved me before he died. He wanted to make sure I knew. Claimed that’s all he needed to say, and then the Empty came and he was gone. So yeah, what he wanted all this time, because I call bullshit on that being all, as far as I see it, was for him and I to be happy. But he didn’t think that was possible… he didn’t, doesn’t know that-”
He trailed off, glaring at his brother when he saw he was at a loss for words, “Don’t. Don’t tell me to try to be happy, I will be when he’s back. All I can do is research, and continue begging Jack to fix it.”
“Why did you go seven months without telling me the whole story,” Sam said after a moment, and damn it the hurt in his voice got to Dean.
“Honestly Sam, because if that’s all I’ll ever get, I wanted to keep it for me,” Dean sighed, turning to fully look at his brother, “Besides, you and Eileen are happy. I didn’t need my little brother worrying about me.”
“Well, I was worrying anyway. At least now I know what I need to worry about,” Sam pointed out, “I’ve been trying to find stuff too you know. But the last time he was there, Jack brought him back, so maybe we just wait and hope he is doing that again this time?”
“Jack is the back up plan if we don’t figure it out. I will try other things until he fixes it,” Dean glared a bit again, causing Sam to hold up his hands in defeat.
“Now, if you aren’t done talking emotions, go find your girlfriend and be sappy with her,” he said as he got up, “I’m going to bed.”
“I hear you, but you gotta explain again how Bobby doing a werewolf case… ended up with the four of you kicked out of a Casino for cheating…” Dean laughed over video call at Claire, who was with everyone at Jody’s.
“Listen, old man, Kaia and I were fine until Garth and Bess showed up to get the kid who was turned. Bess was doing the paperwork saying she was the kid’s aunt or whatever, and the rest of us went to have some fun.” Claire grinned, “Don’t let Garth make the plans, is what I learned from this hunt.”
“I learned don’t let Claire agree with him,” Kaia added coming into frame, “She’s lucky Donna was able to call in a favor to get us all out of trouble, or we wouldn’t have gotten out until today and wouldn’t have been home until tomorrow midway through Christmas dinner.”
Dean shook his head at them both, “Yeah, bet Jody gave you both an earful when she got the call huh?”
“Damn right I did! And when they got here!” Jody called from over their shoulders somewhere.
Claire rolled her eyes, then pulled Kaia down to whisper something, kissing her cheek, to which Kaia nodded and walked away, and Claire looked back at the screen. “Alright, sentimental honest time. How are you holding up?”
“I’m holding up by not giving up,” Dean said sullenly, taking a large sip of the beer he had by the table. “You don’t worry about it, and enjoy your first holiday with Kaia, alright? Which I’m going to let you go do. Sam and Eileen will be back with the last few things soon before they make me cook.”
“Make you? I bet you’ll ban them from the kitchen…” Claire teased, “But alright, we’ll call all of you tomorrow. And listen… I can see that tower of books behind you, don’t focus too much on looking through them tonight, okay?”
“Yeah, whatever, later.” Dean muttered, whispering “thanks” before cutting the connection, then grabbed Miracle’s leash, “Come on boy, let's get a walk before they get back.”
“You sure you don’t want help with something, Dean?” Sam asked after wandering into the kitchen for the fifth time, “We don’t mind helping you.”
“Sammy, I’ve got it, Eileen already made the stuff she wanted and had you help, I’ve got this. I can handle cooking.” Dean rolled his eyes, “I’ve told you, don’t babysit me or whatever it is that you’re doing.”
“I’m not, Dean. It’s just a lot, and I want to help if you need it,” Sam frowned, “Think of my helping as a Christmas gift if you need to.”
“If I want a sous chef, I’ll call Miracle in and let him taste it,” Dean half teased, “Keep that up and I’ll give him your fo-”
“SAM! DEAN!”
Both brothers’ eyes widened at Eileen calling their names, hearing urgency in her voice, and dropped everything, running out to the main room.
Sam was in front, and Dean almost ran into him with how sudden he’d stopped. “What the hell Sam?” he hissed, wondering why he’d stopped when there was possible danger. He pushed past his brother to see what was going on, and…
And he stopped in his tracks too, frozen, heart skyrocketing.
Because standing at the other end of the room, near their tree, were Jack and Castiel, The former of which was signing to Eileen, the latter already looking up, probably at Dean’s words, eyes locked on him.
“Hello, Dean.”
Dean glared, tears streaming down his face, “Don’t you fucking ‘Hello, Dean’ me, you asshole!” he half shouted as he stomped over to him, ignoring the look of confusion on Cas’ face, not speaking again until he was right in front of him. “After you sacrifice yourself for me, knowing I wouldn’t have an easy way of getting you back, leaving me alone in that fucking dungeon, never able to answer you?”
“Dean…” Cas said quietly, but with worry and confusion clear in his eyes, crying as well.
“Shut. Up.” Dean spoke, still clearly angry, still crying, as he grabbed Cas’ stupid tie, and pulled him closer. He glared at him for a second, glancing at his lips and back to his eyes to give Cas a moment push him away. He was pissed, not rude after all. But the nervous smile and almost invisible nod was all he needed.
Dean leaned in the last remaining centimeters and pressed his lips to Cas’. Gentler than his comments before would have made it seem it would be, but lasting only a few seconds before pulling away, and finally smiling at Cas, before wrapping his arms around him in a hug.
“What did I tell you about being stupid?” he laughed through his tears into Cas’ neck as Cas’ arms wrapped around him as well.
“We would have both died anyway, you made it out and helped save the universe.” Cas finally replied, “I know you would have done the same. And I’d have done it a million times over.”
“Not fucking again you won’t.” Dean replied, “I ain’t losing you again, man.” he pulled back smiling at him, and whispered, “We’ll talk more later, they saw that, let my saying what I gotta be just for us, okay? But… You do have me.”
Cas nodded, replying softly, “Of course Dean, I never expected any answer at all, and you’ve always spoken through actions.”
Dean nodded, finally, reluctantly, stepping away from Cas. He had stopped crying, for now, and moved to hug Jack, giving Sam time to come over as well.
“Welcome back Cas, we missed you,” Sam said as he hugged him.
“And we missed you too, kid,” Dean told Jack, stepping back so Sam could take a turn. “But why the hell didn’t you ever answer me, and why did it take so long to fix this?” he asked, gesturing to Cas’ as the ‘this’ but smiled when he looked over at him again.
“I needed his help, before I could revive him.” Jack said with his bright smile that he always had when he thought he’d done good.
“The hell could help you with from the Empty?”
“I was never in the Empty, Dean,” Cas chimed in, “I know I mentioned it, that my grace had been weakening? Well It seems I was falling, and in doing so, I gained a soul.”
Dean rubbed his temples, “Damn it, stop. You and you sit down. I’m getting everyone beers, and making sure my food isn’t burning. Then you can explain.” he ordered as he went, walking faster than he’d admit to any of them later, not wanting Cas out of his sight for long.
When he got back, he placed the bottles all on the table, purposefully leaning over Cas’ shoulder to do so, and then sitting in a chair as close to him as possible. He ignored the dopey smiles on both Sam and Eileen’s faces, but couldn’t help smile back when he saw Cas had a matching look.
“Alright explain.”
Castiel nodded, lifting his hands so he could sign it to Eileen as well, “When the Empty took me, only what was left of my grace went with it, and my soul went to heaven. That’s where Jack found me, and asked for help.”
“I sensed he was there the moment I had Chuck’s power, but I didn’t know what all I could do at that point, or if Cas would want to come back to earth, so I didn’t say anything to you when I left.” Jack explained. “I do want to stay hands off on earth, but I wanted to give him that option.”
“That don’t explain why it’s been seven months,” Dean frowned, taking a sip of his beer, because he needed it.
“We rebuilt Heaven,” Jack smiled even more brightly, “It’s more like earth now instead of just memories. I had the power to do it, but Cas has spent more time around humans so I wanted his advice on it all.”
“To be clear,” Cas spoke, probably seeing the complaint about to form on Dean’s face, “Jack didn’t force me to help, but since I’m not an angel now, I couldn’t go back and forth between the two, and I wanted to make sure it was a place you would all love when you eventually pass on for good.”
“That’s amazing!” Sam chimed in, “So how exactly did you change it? Are all the doors basically unlocked now?”
“No, it’s open, with homes and land and cities, just like earth. It’s not the same, both bigger and smaller, but it’s peaceful and not a loop. I couldn’t make people immortal, so I did the best thing I could think of.”
“So all our loved ones are together, and when we die we can meet all of them?” Eileen asked with a smile, “I’d get to see all my parents and not just a memory.”
“Exactly, and I am working with Rowena to change how the souls there are punished, and what qualifies as deserving to be there as well.” Jack explained, “But Heaven is sorted, and I have no further requests for Cas’, and now we’re here.”
“So… If I’m understanding all of this right,” Dean began, and pointed at Cas, “You are human now? You said your grace is in the Empty, but also you’re here and alive.”
“Yes, I’m human now, and based on my body, I’d guess a year or two older than yourself, Dean,” Cas explained, “It means I will die again, but I’ve seen what’s after, and everyone has said they’re waiting on me, and for all of you, but it had better be a long time from now.”
“So thanks to saving me you ar-”
“No.” Cas cut him off, “No, my grace was disappearing anyway, within a year I would have been human no matter what, so do not start blaming yourself for this. If I hadn't had to enact the deal, then I would have spent the time still helping Jack, until my grace ran out. I would have still become human, and I would have still ended up here, arguably slightly less happy.” he smiled at him, and Dean understood what he meant.
“Yeah… alright… still pissed the kid didn’t come tell us that was the plan,” Dean huffed, glancing at Jack, who was smiling also, so Dean just sighed. “Anyway, here,” he said as he grabbed the laptop from the table, “Call Claire. She needs to know you’re safe.”
He stood up, placing a hand on Cas’ back, “Last thing I want to do right now is get back to cooking,” he smiled, “But I ain’t leaving your first meal as a human up to those two to finish either, so I got no choice.”
Dean had been cooking awhile, having laughed when heard Claire yell at Cas through the computer screen. He knew she'd tell him off too, and he deserved it, no matter how noble the act was.
He didn’t have much left, he had a few things he would make the next day when they’d eat more of the main food, plus a big more. And so what if he decided last minute to make a pie, he felt like sharing one with his family now, no big deal.
What Dean didn’t notice right away, since he was looking at the stove, was that at some point Cas had left the main room, and was now watching him from the entrance to the kitchen. When he turned around to get something from the island, his breath caught again and he smiled, “Gotta get used to you being back, huh?”
Cas smiled back and entered the room, “I think it’s safe for me to admit after I learned more about humans, your shock at my appearing did always amuse me.”
“I knew it, I told Sam you did it on purpose, you little shit,” he shook his head, but motioned for Cas to come over. “You’re in here, help me sort out the rest of this. Grab something to eat if you're hungry.”
“I can wait, I’ve only been human since just before we arrived,” Cas explained, but moved into Dean’s space to watch him, “I can help though.” And then pressed his lips to Dean’s cheek, moving away to look back at the food as if he’d done nothing.
Dean looked him over, feeling warmer and happier, “Uh, right. Well we just need to finish mixing the filling and then pour it in there and shove it in the oven. We can eat while it cooks, since that’s for tomorrow.”
“Alright, I can do that,” Cas said as he took the spoon Dean was stirring with, letting Dean show him. “Also, you have no reason to be shy about affection from me now, Dean Winchester.”
“Yeah well,” Dean muttered, looking away for a moment, “I’m not used to it yet, or whatever. Besides, we still need to talk together, set some things right. I want to make sure we’re completely on the same page here, man.”
“Dean, you kissed me in front of the others, I’m sure we’re on the same page now,” Cas stared at him deadpan again, and damn had Dean missed that reaction of his.
“Shut up…” he muttered but laughed, “You deserved to at least know it wasn’t one sided or something, but-” Dean paused and sighed, “We do need to sort it all out after we eat. Jack still here right?”
“Yes, he plans to stay for a few days, everything is in order. Well… minus Hell. However Rowena said he’s not allowed to bother her until the New Year. I don’t know if he’ll stay that long, however I did convince him that visiting us is still fine and doesn’t stop him from taking a step back in a good way.”
“Good, we all deserve time together after everything,” Dean nodded as he placed the pie in the oven, “Alright, let's go let them all know it’s time to eat.
The five of them, plus Miracle who already was buddy buddy with Cas and talking him into slipping him food, ate and discussed things, catching each other up on what had gone down in the last seven months.
Dean blushed when Sam explained the items of the tree, glaring at all of them to not mention his break down, including Jack, who he’d broken down to about it. “Should we get a new one for you though Cas? No wings now and all.” he added hoping that would make the others not want to bring it up.
“No, I like it, that’s still who I am, I just don’t have the power, and have a soul instead. But I’m still myself,” Cas smiled as he looked at it, “It’s a reminder of how I was when I met you, and what I was everytime I saved you.”
“Sap…” Dean muttered, but there was nothing harsh in his voice as he did.
“Right, well Dean, you cooked, and got up constantly while we were eating to check your pie. So Eileen and I will clean up,” Sam said to interrupt them just a bit, “Jack, why don’t you come talk with us while we do? We’d love to learn more about what you’re doing.”
“Is this your way of asking me to leave them alone to talk? You could just ask, I don’t mind.” Jack said cheerfully, and Dean was almost sure he was saying that so bluntly just to tease him, but didn’t say anything, because, well the kid was right.
“Yeah, you all go pretend to talk about Jack’s powers while you really talk behind our backs.” Dean rolled his eyes as he stood up, gently tapping Cas’ arm. “Come on, let's go sort ourselves out.”
Dean led Cas to his room, making it clear that it was because it was the only place he wouldn’t feel like he was being watched, “Don’t think too much of it.”
“I’m aware Dean,” Cas said as he followed him in, and Dean could feel the eye roll. “We are to talk and settle things. Though I feel they are pretty settled, but I also understand you need this. There are no more private leaning thoughts on your mind at the moment.”
“‘At the moment’ he says…” Dean huffed to himself, “Cas, I can’t tell if you said that to tease me, or because you’re you, but come on, man.” he laughed a bit. “Okay, sit down.” he added as he sat on the edge of his bed.
Castiel glanced between Dean’s desk chair and the spot next to him, and when he chose the latter, Dean was now sure his rhetorical question’s answer was the first option. “What do you need us to discuss first Dean?”
“Well the obvious first thing I need to say still scares the hell out of me, so give me a minute on that,” Dean said as he shifted his sitting position a bit to look at Cas better. “So let's start with the other crap you said and did. I don’t care how you rationalized it, I don’t care that after seven months it was all okay.”
“You didn’t know it would be when you called on your deal, and I’ve said this every time you’ve died, but I mean it, don’t ever fucking do that again. Do you understand? If you die of anything, it had better damn well be normal human reasons, you hear me?” Dean paused, waiting for Cas to answer.
“I promise, there won’t be anymore world ending events, Jack is sure of it. So now it’s a promise I can make to you without having any possible reason I may break it.” Cas assured him, placing his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “That was the last time.”
Dean nodded, subconsciously letting his hand follow Cas’ and lay on top of his, “Right, good. Now onto what you said. I’m calling bullshit on saying what you needed to say being enough. Maybe it was enough for the Empty, but I don’t think it’s enough for you, and it sure as hell ain’t for me. You changed me too, you know that?”
“One of the first things you said to me was that I didn’t think I deserved to be saved, and you were right. And maybe sometimes I still feel that way, and I never want you to be the one to do the saving again, but I know now that I do deserve it. We all deserve it. But that’s not all you taught me. You taught me faith, not in everything, but in family, you taught me to pray to the ones I know will listen, you, and now Jack.”
He moved again, placing his other hand on Cas’ cheek, “You said I’m why you care, and I think that’s part of it, but only because we taught each other free will, and now we’re both truly, completely free. We can sit here for days and do nothing but take Miracle on walks. We can hop in Baby and just travel wherever the hell we want.”
He glanced at where their hands met on his own shoulder, “We can sit here, like this, saying everything we always wanted to, but never knew was possible. I told you earlier, you do have me, and I’m so sorry you never thought that was possible”.
“I… I convinced myself it was impossible for angels to feel that the same way humans can. It was stupid, and I knew better, but it was easier to pretend that. Easier than admitting that part of myself. Easier than letting myself hope. Again, I am so sorry Cas.”
He took a deep breath, and looked Cas in the eyes, smiling at him, “I love you too, Cas, and I’m so sorry it took all of this for me to admit that too you. I’m so sorry I let you die without hearing it back.”
He was crying now, but so was Cas, and they were both smiling like idiots. “I love you, Cas, and I’m going to say it so many times, you’re going to beg me to stop.”
“Never.” Castiel whispered, “I love you too, Dean. And I know you hate how we got to this point, but I’d have done it a thousand times over if every time it led back to us here in the bunker having this conversation.
Dean rubbed his thumb on Cas’ cheek, “Awesome.” he muttered as he leaned in closer, dropping his hand off the one that was over Cas’, shifting a bit, causing Cas’ hand to move lower on his arm just a bit
Dean placed his free hand on Cas’ side, the one on Cas’ cheek pulling Cas even closer to him, “Going to also do this as much as you allow me to.” he whispered, meeting Cas in the middle right as his eyes closed.
This time it felt much more important than the one in front of their family. This kiss was for them, the first of many that was just for them. Dean pressed more into it, sliding his hand to the back of Cas’ neck, shivering a bit as Cas did the same, causing them to both be even closer. And Dean couldn’t help but grin at the little growl like rumble Cas made when Dean nipped at his lip.
They eventually separated, opening their eyes, but stayed very close just smiling at each other. “Can’t believe I was stupid enough to not let myself have this for so long.” Dean whispered again, not wanting to break the moment. “To have what I am sure is to happen between us in the near future as well.”
“It will, but I sense that we both agree not tonight?” Castiel agreed honestly. “We have plenty of time.”
“Yeah, when we’ll be able to sleep in after and just stay by each other’s side.” Dean nodded, “Especially not when they’ll be loud in the morning because it’s Christmas.. Which, I’m sorry I don’t have a gift for you. Would have hurt too much if you never came back.”
“I have nothing either, Dean, however,” Cas started, smiling at him, “I think it’s okay if this year, just being able to sit beside each other like this is our gift. I don’t need anything more.”
“Yeah, yeah I’m okay with,” Dean beamed, then got a bit shy. “Hey, uh…, you’re human now, and need sleep. And like we said, nothing hidden in my suggesting this, but you can sleep in here if you want, because I’d not mind that at all. In fact I’d love to wake up with a reminder that you’re really truly here.”
“Of course Dean. If you hadn’t asked, I would have,” Cas said with the honesty Dean had only ever seen his former angel capable of.
“Right, good,” Dean nodded, then looked Cas over. “I am so not good at making this not sound like I’m asking for more, but that?” he gestured to Cas’ suit, “That’s got to go when you’re sleeping.”
“Dean, I was dead, and have not had a chance to go buy clothes.”
Dean just rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I know, thank you for reminding me.” he teased as he stood up, grabbing a t-shirt and while silently laughing, his hot dog pajama pants, and tossed them to Cas, “You can borrow my stuff until we can get to a store. Which is at least two days, I ain’t taking you shopping on ‘return bad gifts’ day. I’ll get changed in here while you head to the bathroom.
Cas looked at the pants, then at Dean and just raised an eyebrow, “you picked these to be annoying.” he commented as he stood up to go get changed, stopping to kiss Dean again, “I’ll be right back.
Dean laughed, waiting on Cas to leave to change into another pair of pajamas and the t-shirt he was wearing under his other layers. He sat back on the edge of the bed, waiting on Cas to get back, smiling at him when he walked back into the room.
“Sam saw me and laughed,” Cas glared lightly, but the corner of his lip was clearly giving away he wanted to laugh also. “Said to tell you good night.”
Dean just shook his head, “He’ll never appreciate those pants.” He stood up and walked over to Cas, pulling him into a hug, and kissing the side of his face. “Come on, let's go to bed. I don’t know what side you liked best or whatever, so you decide.”
“I’ll take the left side, I have no preference, and I know you like the right,” Cas explained as he moved to get into bed, “Though, I’m under the impression it will more so be the two of us closer to the middle.”
“Being asked by a former angel to cuddle,” Dean laughed, “The me who first met you would never believe this.” he said as he got in beside Cas, getting comfortable, turning toward him, who turned fully toward Dean as well, and moved closer.
They wrapped their arms around each other, settling in, a few gentle kisses as they got comfortable. Dean eventually moved just a bit so he could press the top of his head near Cas; heart. Since he was human now, Dean was going to use the most human indicator of all to listen that he was really there.
“Love you so damn much, Cas,” Dean whispered, placing a kiss right above his heart, “Have a good first night as a full human.”
“Goodnight, and I will, the first of many good nights as long as we’re her together,” Cas responded in just as low of a whisper and kissed the top of Dean’s hair, “I love you too, Dean.”
They both drifted off, matching smiles on both their faces, ready for not just the best Christmas they’d ever known, but also for the start of the rest of their lives happy and finally at each other’s side.