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SET AFTER 15X18, CODA TYPE OF FIC.
“Goodbye Dean.”
Dean held his head in his hands trying to process what had happened. Billy was gone and so was the former pain in his chest...but now that pain was replaced by a new and different kind of pain. Heartache.
The empty had taken Cas. It hurt to think of his best friend and he knew there were more pressing matters at hand, but all he could do was sit and suffer.
“Cas… I love-.”
His phone rang and interrupted his unheard confession. It rang over and over. He switched it off and laid his head back against the hard brick wall.
Hours had passed and his face was raw and red from all the tears he had scratched away. Why did he wait until the last moment to say anything? He knew Cas loved him… The angel had said as much before but he never thought it was in the same way. The same way he had felt for years.
Dean never acknowledged it, of course, instead chose to press it down. Deep down inside of him beside everything else he preferred not to talk or think about.
But somehow the end of the world put things back into perspective. They had faced this type of battle many times over before. It wasn’t uncommon for one of them or all of them to face a blow that was fatal. Yet, they were always brought back together. Always.
This time would be different because the big bad was God himself. Chuck had only offered one solution and it wasn’t a pretty picture. Sam would have to kill him and vice versa. They refused initially but now what choice did they really have?
He stewed on this as he sat on the cold hard floor cutting the phone back on… Sam and Jack would be worried about them, but how was he supposed to explain that Cas had made the ultimate sacrifice?
Sam had called multiple times and he knew that he would be understanding about the situation, but still concerned.
He had a plan. Sam would kill him and maybe that would be enough for Chuck…
After explaining what happened with Cas to Sam and Jack, Dean didn’t mention him again. His thoughts never stopped focusing on the image he had of the angel. Black emptiness had enveloped him and taken him away. Forever.
A deal had been made, that’s what it always came down to. It seemed to be one of the few ways any of the Winchesters showed love. Cas had obviously picked up on this toxic habit and made it his very own swan song.
After they beat Chuck with Jack’s help, he dove into how to win Cas back. The research they had done before to save Jack had disappeared and he was starting to lose hope.
Perhaps this is how it was supposed to be. Everything set right in the world and yet he was miserable. He put on a happy front for Sam but on the inside he was imagining the life he and Cas could have had. The life Sam and Eileen were making right before his very eyes.
She had moved into the bunker not very long after they had saved the world from ultimate doom. Again. Sam started running every morning with her and she wore his robe from time to time. It all seemed very domestic.
Of course they tried their best to include him but it was futile to try. He watched cooking shows to pass the time, and had even tried out a few recipes. But no matter what he did, something was missing from his life. He knew and so did Sam. Night after night he would wake up in a cold sweat after screaming out for Castiel.
The first few times it happened, Sam had sat on his bed with understanding in his eyes.
“It’ll pass. Do you want some tea to help you fall asleep? There’s a root I can use to help block out any unwanted dreams. It helped a lot after…” He looked uncomfortable with whatever he was about to say.
Jess. The unspoken name between them hung in the air.
“No thanks.”
This night was different. Instead of dreaming about Cas being taken by the empty, he dreamed of him being burned alive. Just like their mother. Just like Jess.
His waking thought was “But they were human.”
It made his whole body go rigid. How dumb could he be? Of course that was the answer. To get Cas out, he would have to be human.
Despair and guilt racked his body and made him go rigid all over again. Was the answer that simple? Did he not look at the solution that was starting him dead in the face because he was dumb or because he was avoiding the conversation of what he was.
He pushed his guilt down and half sprinted to the library. After re-reading all of the research he had been pulling for weeks and weeks, he found his answer.
Shortly after he was packing a bag and writing Sam and Eileen a note. He left it on the counter and ran up the stairs to Baby.
“Went to get Cas. Be back soon.”
Cas sat on the empty black space and thought about Dean. Beautiful Dean Winchester. He knew that the Winchesters would succeed in saving the world.
And in the very back of his mind, he hoped that they would come to rescue him. That Dean would come for him.
“He’s not coming, Castiel. Give it up…”
He sighed and thought of Jack instead. Jack. So young and hopeful. Why wouldn’t he come and rescue him? Perhaps he had offended his adopted son in some way…
“They don’t care about you! No one is coming to rescue you. All you are is a pathetic, fallen angel.”
The words were not unfamiliar to him, and they no longer hurt.
Something in the air shifted. Something familiar. A beacon called out to him in the same way it always did in his presence.
“Very clever.” The empty was brilliant at coming up with new ways to hurt him and he couldn’t deny this pain.
How the empty had recreated this, however, was the real mystery. It was something that was unique to Dean Winchester. He was so in tune to his soul that any movement of it within fifty feet called out to him.
To another angel, the soul would look like a burned, charred, and broken light. Not to him. It still shone brighter than any other soul as though it was the sun.
It was frayed in several places and there were obvious cracks in the medley it played, but still beautiful all the same.
He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the beacon that called out to him so specifically.
Suddenly a blade was at his throat. Cutting. Digging. Slicing. Castiel embraced it. Death would surely be sweeter than this torture. He waited.
Nothing happened.
“Hey sunshine.”
“Dean?”
He was putting away an angel blade with one hand and the other was pressing a bandanna against his neck.
“Can you walk?” Dean looked concerned. Waiting on the illusion to end and the empty to begin mocking him again.
Again, nothing happened.
Rough hands were pulling him up. “Cas? Cas?”
“I get it. He’s not coming. Enough already!” He jerked away from ‘Dean’ and rolled his eyes.
Suddenly another Dean appeared. This one, different. Off putting and cold. He knew that wasn’t his Dean.
Cas ran towards the real Dean and looked at him. “Dean?”
“Cas-I-I” The ground was shaking under them and all the years of training they both had, kicked in.
“Let’s go.” Dean said pulling him towards something in the distance.
He tried not to notice how hard Dean was holding his hand as he pulled him along. Normally he would have let go by now.. This was unusual ground for them and he wasn’t sure how to proceed. Did he need to squeeze it? Was his hand sweaty? Why did he feel faint?
All these questions buzzed around in his mind as he ran.
Part of him was still waiting on the gig to be up. For the empty to pull the plug on this new fantasy it had made up for him.
It never happened. Hours later he woke up in the back seat of the impala.
Pain shot through his body and especially the cut on his neck.
“Dean? What happened?”
The impala was cruising on a dark road. Dean looked at him in the rearview mirror. “Cas?”
There were lines in his face and his eyes were red and puffy and filled with worry. It looked like he had been crying.
“What happened? Why do I feel human?” He knew what he really wanted to ask but he kept that in the back of his mind for now.
“I had to. It was the only way to get you out.”
“Dammit Dean.” What hell was he thinking about making a deal? They never ended well.
“No, it’s not what you’re thinking. I just- I took your grace. It was the only way to get you out of there... “
“Oh. Good. Give it here so I can heal this cut.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“There wasn’t a lot left… It kind of just floated away.”
“So I’m human?”
“Yes.”
Silence filled the air. Awkward silence. His time as a human was not something he remembered with fondness. It was a cold and depressing time for him.
The unspoken words between them made the tension unbearable and weird.
“Cas-I. I’m just. I’m sorry.”
There wasn’t anything to say. While he was grateful to be out and back from the Empty, being human was not what he expected. How long would it be until he was deemed to be a burden and get kicked out like he was last time? Without his powers, what was he to the Winchesters?
His face did not show the sorrow and misplaced rage he was feeling. The reflection of his face was almost blank and unbelieving. What now?
Dean slowed the car and gripped the steering wheel tightly. He was looking out into the distance and opening and closing his mouth a few times before finally saying, “I’m sorry. There was no other way… Maybe we can do some research to get it back, but Cas. I wanted to talk about what you said before..” He looked at him now, green eyes meeting his.
“Dean. We don’t have to talk about it, I know it makes you uncomfortable. My feelings haven’t changed but I don’t want to lose you or Sam. So if it’s alright with you, we can just forget I ever said anything, okay?”
Dean blinked and loosened his grip before looking back at the road.. Again it looked as though he was struggling to speak. “That’s not what I meant. Just give me a moment. I’m no good at these chick flick moments, okay?”
“Dean, please, don’t say anything just because of some weird human obligation to-”
“I love you.” He wanted to say something back to him but he didn’t get the chance because Dean kept going.
“I always have. Don’t know why it took me so long to say it, or realize it for that matter. But when you left, when you’re gone, I’m not happy. I’m miserable. Every single time you were taken or vaporized or just flat out killed, it eats me up inside. Every other time, I have been able to just block it out and focus on the current world ending crisis at hand...But this time, even after defeating Chuck and saving the world. Something was missing.I would look around and just miss you in everything that happened. I tried to move on, be happy that we had saved the world. We stopped hunting, Sam and I got a dog, he’s with Eileen, life was supposed to be good. Great even. Everything seemed to be in place. Except you..”
“You said I changed you, but you changed me. The only reason I’m not some brute and mindless killing instrument is because of you. Sure I taught you how to love the whole world, but I learned what love truly is from you. All the sacrifices you made, all the good you do, despite being the one to get hurt every time. And usually you have me there bullying you about that decision. Hating you for saving me. Lashing out at you. Cutting you off from your family. Kicking you out or abandoning you time and time again. But each time, you find your way back. No matter what your family says, your friends, or even me. You always come back to me and I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you, but I know that I need you. We’re family.”
He looked at him in the mirror with crinkly green eyes. But he didn’t know what to say back. This was usually about the time he would throw in the familiar “you’re my brother Cas.” line that he would say. It wasn’t said so he addressed it.
“Right. The same way you love Sam, I know Dean. It’s alright. Thank you for the kind words. It’s nice to be appreciated.”
Dean stopped the car sort of suddenly. Cas was thrown against the back of the front seat.
“Ouch” he said trying to readjust himself. Dean laughed briefly and turned around.
“Sorry. It’s going to take awhile to adjust to you being human.”
“It’s okay.”
Dean stared at him with a weird intensity. His eyes were narrowed and brows furrowed as though he was concentrating hard on what to say.
“Stop. Cas. Listen to me. I love you.”
His emotions were all over the place, was Dean saying that he loved, loved him back? That he wanted to be with him?
Moments passed in silence...
Brows furrowed and head tilted, he finally spoke. “You love me?”
“Yes.”
Dean smiled at him and made a move to reach out to the backseat but thought better of it and pulled back.
“Cas?”
“Hmm?”
Dean looked nervous for a second but gestured towards the front seat.
“Do you want to sit up front?”
Cas got out and moved to the front seat unsure of how to act.
The impala was still parked. They had been sitting there for a while and he was starting to worry about the weird tension that grew between them.
Dean shifted his body and quietly said “Cas?”
“Dean” he said in his normal tone.
“I um. God- I feel like a teenager again. Um, I wanted to try something but it seems weird to talk about?”
“You’re worried about Sam. I understand.”
“No. I just. Um.”
Dean stopped talking and leaned into the space between them. His hand came up to lightly touch his face before resting on his shoulder. The awkward tension had been replaced by a different kind of tension and he was unsure of what to do next.
All the encounters he had of a romantic or sexual nature had been by following what the other person did. But Dean seemed to be unsure as well.
He leaned and closed the space between them, making their faces inches apart. It wasn’t unfamiliar. He had been this close to Dean before but never in this context. They both breathed heavily and Dean moved his hand to his neck slowly.
“I’ve never kissed a guy before. What if I don’t like it? I don’t want to hurt you or ruin the relationship if I’m not into it.” They were both nervous.
“You’re saying you don’t find me physically attractive… It’s okay. I understand.” It seemed reasonable that Dean would not be attracted to him in this vessel. And while he had grown attached to his body and form, he would do whatever he had to, to be with Dean. But it still hurt regardless.
Sadness washed over him and he tried to pull away from the other man, but was interrupted.
“That’s not what I said.”
“Oh.”
“I’m just freaked out, is all.”
“If you want, we can just wait. I’m not an expert on human relations but doesn’t talking about it ruin the moment?”
“Shut up,” he said jokingly.
They laughed for a small moment and in an instant Dean closed the space between their lips and kissed him.
Kissing Dean was different than anything he had ever experienced. It was soft yet firm, warm and gentle. He wasn’t sure if he was doing it right, trying to breathe out of his nose instead of into Dean’s mouth or onto his face.
Mimicking Dean, he placed his hands on his face and into his hair. Sexual energy buzzed around them.
“Guess we don’t have to worry about that anymore,” the hunter said, pulling away from him.
He leaned in again and kissed Dean once more before pulling back to stare at him. This was a new and interesting feeling that he didn’t want to end.
“I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you so much, it’s not the same without you. Sam is probably tracking me right now. He probably thinks I went on some kind of suicide mission or something.. There wasn’t exactly a lot to go on ya know. We couldn’t come up with any leads on how to get you back. I was going insane. It came to me in a nightmare, honestly. But you’re back. I got you back.”
A quick flash of Dean having a nightmare made him sad for a second when he stopped to think about what was said. Dean Winchester loved him and wanted to be with him.
They kissed softly for a few moments, taking some time to explore the new experience. When Dean pulled away, he had no doubt or worry in his mind. They had plenty of time now.
Dean pulled him close and put his arm around him. After shifting to drive he sighed happily and said “Let’s go home.”
Sam was sitting at the large desk with his laptop on and a GPS map flashing on the screen. A red dot was moving on the screen. His face was creased with worry and exhaustion.
Eileen walked out in purple flannel pajamas and one of his old t-shirts. Very lightly she touched him on the arm, looking at him with worry in her eyes.
“Tracking Dean?” she signed.
Sam signed yes quickly without looking at her. Everything was going so well, but nothing ever seemed to last. He knew he should be happy even if his brother had disappeared on a suicide mission.
Fragile and soft hands were in his hair, pushing it away from his face. She pulled his face up to look at her squarely.
This wasn’t uncommon in their relationship. It was just one more way to communicate and he knew that she would understand his pain. But, he didn’t want to kill the honeymoon buble that they had been living in up until Dean’s departure.
Suddenly the red dot on his GPS blinked and disappeared. His phone lit up with a text, “On my way back. Be home soon.”
Relief washed over him and he turned the phone to show Eileen.
She smiled and kissed him quickly before pulling away to sign “Come back to bed.”
Cas slept the rest of the way home on his shoulder. It almost seemed wrong to wake him up…
He sat there for a few minutes listening to a Beatles song.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life… You were only waiting on this moment to arise.
Sam knocked on the window pulling him out of his trance and waking Cas up with a jolt.
His first instinct was to hide and lie to Sam. Cas must have felt his unease and straightened his clothes before saying “Sam. Good to see you. I’m human and feel very drained. Do you think you could help me make some tea?”
Knowingly and smugly, the tall Winchester said nothing and nodded.
“Welcome home Cas.”
He gathered his gear and put it away before heading into the kitchen to see Sam and Cas sitting at the table. Mugs in hand.
There was steam rising from their cups and Cas looked very happy with whatever was in his. His eyes were still drooping with fatigue but he was chatting away with Sam listlessly.
Everything was into place now. Sam looked up and smiled at him.
“What are you grinning about?” he said with his eyebrows raised.
“Nothing. Just glad to have everyone under one roof. No apocalypse, no big bad breathing down our necks. Just living the good life.”
Cas hummed his agreement to that statement and sipped his tea.
“Well. I promised Eileen I would be in bed hours ago. Goodnight lovebirds.” He clapped him on the shoulder as he passed.
He knew without a doubt that he was red. Cas got up with his mug and headed towards one of the extra bedrooms.
“Goodnight Dean.”
Goodnight? His room was the opposite way.
“Cas, where are you going?”
“To bed. Don’t humans need at least 4 hours of sleep?”
He grinned. “Technically it’s 8, but Winchesters can run on 4, yes.”
“Well then I should get some rest. Goodnight.”
“I wasn’t questioning that part. Why are you going that way? You can sleep in my bed.”
Cas looked him over and tilted his head.
“Wouldn’t that make you uncomfortable?”
“No. We can just try it out. Come on, let me get ya a pillow.”
After grabbing some extra pillows and another blanket, he led him back to his room.
He set up the bed and took off his second layers. Grabbing some pajama bottoms he quickly put them before Cas had turned around from snooping.
“You need a plant, they’re good for decoration and oxygen.”
He laughed. “Sure. If it doesn’t die. There isn’t any sunlight down here.”
“That’s true. Hm.”
After getting ready for bed he got comfortable on his side. Cas just stood there looking around the room.
“Cas. Get in bed. You said you were tired.”
“Alright.”
He got in, trench coat and all.
“No. Stop.”
Cas got up and sighed. “I never had this much trouble before, why is it so difficult?”
“For one. Remove the coat. And the suit actually. You need comfortable clothes to sleep in, not business wear.”
“Oh.”
He pulled some clothes out and handed them to him. “Here. Wear these.”
“Alright.”
Soon they were in bed, him on his side and Cas laying on his back propped up by pillows.
“I don’t understand. I fell asleep so easily earlier and now it couldn’t seem more difficult.”
“For one, only crazy people sleep on their back. Two, you don’t need that many pillows, I only grabbed em to be sure.”
Cas sighed and reached behind him moving a pillow before rolling over to face him.
“This isn’t awkward for you?”
“No.” It was but he didn’t want to tell him that.
Minutes of wiggling and huffing, he finally settled into a position. Turns out he snored, very loudly at that, but it didn’t bother him.
Sleep escaped him and he wasn’t very tired. He stared at the man beside him.
When he did fall asleep it was only for an hour or so. Awakened by Cas moving his knee right into his back in a sudden movement caused him to jerk awake and panic and grab the gun under the mattress.
Realizing there was no danger unloaded it and re did the safety. After putting it back in it’s usual spot, he laid down.
Cas was still snoring heavily beside him, unaware of the chaos that almost occurred. It was funny that he was such a heavy sleeper when Dean was such a light one.
He supposed it had to do with the trauma and years of training that had been ingrained into his very being.
Moving timidly he put an arm over the other man’s waist and fell asleep.
Sam and Eileen stay in the bunker and keep the Men/Women of Letters going. They get married, have children (One boy- who looks just like Dean and rightly so since he is named Dean, and two girls- Alexandria and Ruth who they adopted after a hunt) and pass on their legacy. Every Wednesday and Saturday they meet up with Dean and Cas to have family night. Sometimes they play games, sometimes they go out shooting, or just stay in and watch old movies. Cas brings a plant or some honey from his hive, and Dean always cooks.
Dean and Cas moved out after a few years into the mountains. They have a greenhouse, a garage where Dean can work on cars, and of course a beehive farm for Cas. No kids other than Jack, who visits often, but plenty of rescue animals. A guinea pig, some cats, a horse for Dean, plenty of bees, and Miracle the dog. Sam occasionally will call him for some help on a hunt but other than they he hung it up and never looked back. Claire and Kai come over to crash occasionally and have even talked about getting married. Dean brings up the possibility of marriage to Cas, but always laughs at the realness of it. After being through hell and back, what did they care if they had a piece of paper to prove it? Everything they needed they had in each other.
THE END.