Chapter Text
Rey watched through a tiny square window as the blue sun was setting, a tiny dot low over the horizon. The resistance had set up a temporary encampment on this strange planet, a barren landscape of sandy white soil, dotted sparsely with thin trees with trunks that twisted and curved so that their greyish leaves might catch some light.
It was a true wilderness. There was no native population, and even the animal life was bare. The only creatures Rey had encountered were small, hard-shelled invertebrates that burrowed underground. Nobody could feel at home at a place like this. It was a stopover, a liminal space, a resting place between somewheres.
She was still lonely.
It didn't really make sense to her, now. She had dependable, loving friends in Finn, Poe and Rose; she had mentors in Leia and Maz. It was as close a thing as she ever had to a family, and she adored them, but it still felt that there was a void in her. She felt detached, as if she was separated from the rest of the world by an impenetrable glass barrier.
Well, mostly impenetrable.
She ate her dinner slowly, a meal that reminded her far too much of the portion bread she ate when she was a drudge for Unkarr Plutt. She tried not to think of how much of her life had been wasted in servitude of someone she despised.
"You need a lover," Poe had suggested one night, when they'd had the rare opportunity to indulge in some spirits.
“I seriously hope you’re not suggesting yourself,” she’d retorted, eyeing him with suspicion.
“Don’t flatter yourself, Jedi, you’re not my type,” he’d said, with a cocky smirk across his face, “still, you’d be amazed how much easier life feels when you’ve got a warm body to hold at night.”
Rey’d scrunched her nose at him. “I don’t think I want to talk about this with you,” she’d said, and changed the subject to something less embarrassing. Unfortunately, part of her felt that he was probably right. Rey knew many beautiful and admirable men and women, and she knew her chances with them fared quite well. Her hero status brought her many admirers among the resistance, so, maybe it would have been easy to pick up some rugged, charming mechanic, or that silver-tongued merchant, but she felt nothing for them. She would rather spend her every evening alone than feign attraction to someone. It wasn’t as though the solitude was new to her.
There was a problem with all that, though.
Ben Solo.
She tried not to think of him, fearing that even holding his name or his visage in her mind might reopen the force bond that she held diligently shut ever since their last confrontation. But on nights like this, when she felt her most isolated, her most vulnerable, she couldn’t help but remember.
You’re not alone, he’d said, the words soft and rich in her ears.
And she’d felt it. That invisible barrier shattering around her, the warmth of another person pouring out. When his dark eyes gazed into her, she didn’t just feel seen. She felt like she was the only one in the whole universe. She felt the things he would do just to have her by his side.
Oh, what she wouldn’t give to feel like that with anyone else.
She made the right choice, she told herself. She could never have stayed with someone who so lacked empathy for others, even her friends and his own family. He would have let them all burn. She reminds herself of this in her weaker moments when she thinks of letting him in. She thinks of Finn and Poe and Rose and everyone who believed in her goodness, her righteousness. She would not betray their trust, not even for him.
But still.
It wasn’t as though any of it was her choice. She just wanted to be loved.
What was more insidious were the impulses he had sparked in her. She didn’t quite understand it, herself. Maybe it was a side effect of their force bond, something in the force, something in nature that compelled her. Or maybe it was his low voice, his cold eyes, his long and broad frame, his physicality and unique appearance that stuck in her mind. Maybe it was his ferocity, his passion, his obsessive drive. It was both thrilling and terrifying to be around him, to be the subject of his pursuits.
And alone, in her bed, on a desolate planet, the thought of it all prompted her to bring a hand between her thighs and touch herself. Usually, if she did this, it was a purely physical thing - usually something she did to relieve her stress or boredom. This time it was much more desperate. There were feelings in her that she’d been repressing and stowing away for weeks now, and she craved release. As she rubbed her fingers against her clit, she tried her best not to think of him - but even just picturing him brought her pleasure, so she allowed herself to indulge in it. After all, if it was just her mind, her fantasy, nobody could know or think it wrong.
As she slid a finger inside herself, she imagined how he might do it. Would he take off his gloves - maybe just one glove - and press it slowly but unrelentingly inside her, just one of his fingers easily the size of two of her own. She breathed heavily as she pushed a second one in, intoxicated by her own imagination.
And then she felt a strange feeling, like she was no longer alone. And she looked up, and she saw Kylo Ren standing in her doorway.
He was motionless, and unarmed, just standing there, observing her quietly, his head tilted ever so slightly.
She felt her face redden, more than it had been, and she skittered back, covering her bottom half with a pillow. “Y-you,” she stammered, flushed, completely overwhelmed and unprepared for his presence. “Why are you-”
“I should ask you that,” he said, taking a step closer. “You’ve been shutting me out for weeks, and then… I thought I could feel you reaching out to me. I was curious. And then I find you like this.”
Rey gulped, her heart pounding, beads of sweat forming on her forehead. By thinking of him, she’d accidentally let down her guard and let the gate to their force connection open once again. She hadn’t planned this. If she ever spoke to him again it was going to be in person, she’d thought, when she would inevitably have to face him as her enemy. She didn’t want any more personal conversations. Especially not this kind of personal.
“You don’t have to stop on my account,” he said, looking her up and down, disregarding her defensiveness. “I was enjoying the view.”
“Shut up,” Rey snapped, eyes staring hard into his. “Just go. It was an accident. I don’t want to see you.”
“You and I both know it doesn’t work like that,” he said, moving closer again. “It’s just us here. What are you worried about?”
“You’re the last person I want to see at a time like this,” she lied, defiantly. She was still trembling slightly. She wanted nothing more than for him to touch her, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t admit that.
He smirked slightly, just the corners of his mouth. “If that were true, I wouldn’t be standing here,” he said. “It doesn’t have to mean anything, Rey. Let me help you.”
Slowly, she moved the pillow away. The drapey fabric from the top half of her robes still covered her privates, but her pants were off and her thighs were entirely exposed. “If this is some kind of plot-”
“As far as the rest of the universe is concerned, this never happened,” he said.
He was removing his gloves now. Oh.
“And if you want to stay being my enemy, that doesn’t need to change, either,” he went on. “Come. You’ll need to sit on the edge of the bed.”
Rey hesitated, then nodded obediently, realising the logistics of them technically being in different locations meant there would have to be some workarounds. She crawled forward and sat with her legs off the edge, and suddenly felt nervous. She had really never done anything like this with anyone before.
He reached out and gently tilted her chin upwards with the back of his hand. He was dangerously close to her, and she made a mental note that she would not allow him to kiss her. There couldn’t be anything too intimate here - if he wanted to service her then she would not object to it, but she wouldn’t reciprocate, not in any real way.
“Even now you have that fierce look in your eyes,” he said, and he smiled this time, an amused, almost mocking smile, but wow, a smile. He pressed his index and middle finger to her lips. “Suck on them for me,” he said quietly.
She was about to object to that, until she realised why that was necessary. She opened her mouth hesitantly, but before she could decide for or against proceeding he pushed his fingertips in. She let out a quiet, muffled moan as she tasted his skin. He almost tasted like steel - she supposed that his hands had touched a lot of metal, and a lot of blood, too. Once again, she was reminded that he was, in fact, a murderer, and the same hands that had destroyed so many lives were now about to serve her, please her. By all logic, it was abhorrent; the very idea disgusted her - but that wasn’t how it felt. As she rolled her tongue across his fingertips, drenching him in her saliva, she felt like she was fulfilling a divine purpose. And as she looked up at him, she saw a glint in his dark eyes, and she knew he felt it too.
Slowly, he pulled his hand away, and moved his hands to her thighs, lowering his body down so that he was kneeling before her. He moved his hands under her thighs and spread them apart, taking an extra moment to squeeze them, admiring how they were both muscled and soft in his hands. Then he pushed away the fabric of her robes, exposing her vulva. She never expected anyone to see it, but she tended to keep the area relatively trimmed out of comfort and principle, though it was looking a little unkempt now. He didn’t seem to care. He rubbed her clit with his thumb, which elicited a high-pitched gasp from her. Then he inserted a finger - her pussy was already quite wet, but she was still tight, so he went slowly at first, but as she had imagined, he didn’t stop or pull back at all, even when she whimpered. That only seemed to encourage him, and he added the second finger, again, slowly pressing into her, until she was slick and his fingers fit comfortably.
“Good girl,” he purred, and she was about to say, don’t call me that, but then his tongue was on her clit, and she let out a loud cry of pleasure. The feeling of being filled while her clit was also being stimulated, it was - wow, and it was him, and he was doing this for her.
He carried on, licking at her clit gently while he slowly began pulsing his fingers back and forth inside her. “Mmmh,” she moaned, moving a hand through his dark hair and gripping it tightly. Soon, his fingers were pounding her, while his tongue was still moving, and she could barely think straight. “Ben,” she gasped, and she felt him flinch at the sound of his own name, though she couldn’t tell if he was pleased or angry that he used it. She didn’t care, anyway. He wasn’t Kylo Ren when they were alone like this. He was Ben to her.
She could feel surges growing within her - and she felt very glad that the cabins on this settlement were separate and spaced apart from each other, because if anyone heard her she would have had to come up with a very good cover story tomorrow. Hell, they still might - she couldn’t stop herself from crying out whenever he hit exactly the right spot and she felt her whole body pulse with pleasure. And it was building, more and more, until she could barely handle it.
“Ah - Ben - I can’t - it’s too much,” she said, her whole body trembling. She had never brought herself to orgasm before, and not for lack of trying. This was further than she’d ever gotten, and she felt so sensitive and the pleasure was so sharp that it almost hurt her. But he didn’t let up. He increased his pace to a near frantic level, and she could no longer hold on. She fell back against the bed and let the pleasure surge through her. She let out an intense moan as her body rippled with sensation, her legs shaking and her whole body vibrating with the orgasm he had given to her.
“Ben,” she said, reaching out her hand to touch him. He reached forward, and she grabbed his wrist, squeezing tightly. He squeezed her arm back, rubbing her skin gently with his thumb affectionately. So stupid she was to think she could experience this, unfeeling and unaffected. She was in love with him.
After taking a few moments to recover, she sat up, leaning forward, looking at him. “Where did you learn to do that?” she said playfully.
“It’s an ancient Sith technique. You don’t want to know,” he said dryly, and it took her a horrified second to realise that he was joking.
Rey saw his dark eyes flutter, downcast towards her lips. She saw his face inching closer to hers, and though it pained her, she pulled away, turning her head away and clearing her throat.
He stood up, turning away and let out a small scoff, somewhere between amusement and annoyance. "So I can do that, but I’m not allowed to kiss you?" he asked, incredulous.
"That's right," she said, quiet but firm. She knew very well that if she allowed herself to kiss him, she would be lost. She feared that she was already lost to him, anyway, but that was her last line of resistance.
"But you want to," he said, scrutinising her. "I don't need to look into your mind to know that."
"Maybe I do," she said, honestly. "But I won't."
She watched him wrestle with the weight of her words. It frustrated him, she knew. She could tell he was contemplating kissing her anyway, but he must have understood that it wouldn't have the same power if she was in any way unwilling. He was a prideful man. He wanted her to choose him.
Instead, he grabbed a fistful of her hair, and pulled her to her feet, pulling face close to his, so close that she could feel his breath on her cheek. She was shocked by his sudden aggression, but it gave her pleasant goosebumps in a way that she resented her body for.
"You can't resist it forever," he whispered, sending chills down her spine. "When you change your mind, I'll be waiting for you."
But she could feel that he was trembling, too.
And then he was gone. The force connecting them vanished once again, and she was alone.
Rey fell to the floor, feeling a rush of emotions flow through her all at once, and feeling her knees still weak from what he had done to her. Tears welled in her eyes as a million thoughts raced through her head. She hated him. Despised him. But already, she felt empty without him. In that moment, she felt like she would have given up the war, the resistance, the whole galaxy just to be able to lie with him, to hold him and kiss him without pain or consequence.
It can’t go on like this, she thought, as joy, pleasure and pain swirled together in her chest. What a rush it was just to see him again. What suffering it was for him to leave again.
There were only two ways this would ever end.
They would be together, or they would destroy each other.
Maybe it would be both.