Chapter Text
\You change all the lead, sleeping in my head
To gold
…
Namjoon checked before leaving from home. He’s pretty sure he checked two times, too. But still, he can’t find his passport. The rain outside is loud and overwhelming. He looks at his watch. 1:12PM. He came an hour early. He doesn’t have the time go back and come back. He calls Yoongi.
Yoongi was already on his way, driving to the airport, Namjoon’s passport in his lap.
Thank God for Yoongi.
Yoongi doesn’t even look at him when he gives him his passport. Namjoon squeezes a hug out of him.
“Thank you”, he says, in the crook of Yoongi’s neck. He can hear some mumbling back. He laughs. He’s going to miss Yoongi.
“We already said our goodbyes”, Yoongi says, pushing Namjoon away.
They look at eachother and it’s warm and familiar.
“Don’t get lost. Be careful.” Yoongi’s voice is serious, now. He’s worried.
“I will”, he answers with a raised eyebrow.
They hug again and then Yoongi’s gone.
Namjoon turns around. He’s off. He’s going. He’ll be there in almost sixteen hours. He can’t fucking wait.
…
Hoseok gets on the plane and immediately starts to get nervous. It’s big and there’s a lot of people and he’s squeezed in between two strangers and he’ll have to stay put in his tiny seat for hours at a time and he feels stuck and-
jiminie [4:37PM]
you’ll be alright hobi, don’t worry
Like a fairy, like an angel. Hoseok takes a deep breath. Worst case scenario: he dies.
Hoseok smiles to himself, his old motto from high school bringing back good memories.
He hopes that other guy will be nice.
…
There’s a young guy sitting next to him, tall and skinny with a bit of a snobby voice. He notices the book Namjoon’s reading and then can’t stop trying to recommend novels that he should read instead of “that crap”. Midway during the flight, Namjoon goes hide away from him in the bathroom. He splashes his face with some water and looks at himself in the miniature rectangular mirror. The yellow light in the small confined space makes him look really tired and weirdly old. Namjoon wonders what he’ll look like after those six months. He hopes he looks better.
…
Hoseok makes friend with the little kid sitting next to him. She’s eight and really loud. Hoseok can relate. They bond over having too much energy and wanting to go run down the aisle. They sneak out to ask the flight attendant for some candy, which they ultimately do not have in their possession, but it’s a nice adventure and it’s enough to put her to sleep. Her mother thanks Hoseok and he almost feels bad that she thinks he’s helped in any kind of way and not the other way around. He can’t wait to work with a bunch of little excited bundle of trouble and joy. He can’t wait to be a teacher to them and learn from them and have fun with them. He feels it in this moment, he feels how lucky he is to be able to do this kind of thing. He feels grateful. He feels sleepy, too.
…
hoseok jung [2:34pm]
i’m at the airport in Bangkok!! It’s mad pretty wow
hoseok jung [2:36pm]
lol sorry forgot you couldn’t answer im just a lil lonely
hoseok jung [2:43pm]
text me when you’ll land
namjoon kim [4:12pm]
hello i have just landed where are you?
hoseok jung [4:13pm]
hey!! I’m at the benches after the huge dragon sculpture you’re gonna see
namjoon kim [4:16pm]
ok i am at the dragon sculpture i don’t see any benches?
hoseok jung [4:16pm]
yeah! Ok so just… walk straight forward and you’ll see the long alley with benches i’m in front of it
namjoon kim [4:19pm]
what are you wearing?
namjoon kim [4:19pm]
nevermind i see you
…
He has bouncy features, pretty and happy; delicate, bright-looking eyes, a straight upturned nose and dark lips that look very different from the picture he had been given in which they weren’t stretched out in a blinding smile. His hair is fluffy, longer than most guys, dark and straight. His cheekbones are high and prominent, his chin small and his jaw sharp. He has this aura around him, he fills the whole space, a bit intimidatingly but with friendliness and awareness and laughter and just… a lot.
But he’s slim and shorter than Namjoon. Approaching him, he notices how thin and almost feminine-looking his wrists are, with long elflike fingers, hands thrown around vigorously, stride powerful but endearing.
Namjoon is endeared as fuck.
He feels it in his stomach.
He feels it at the tip of his tongue, a silly urge to tell him, tell him how cool he is, how nice he looked, how handsome he looked, too.
He’s wearing cheap streetwear that looked thought-of on him. A red baseball cap, backwards and casual. Bright sneakers. Bright everything. Colors, colors, colors, everywhere. So much so, Namjoon thought maybe if he closed his eyes, he’d still see them behind his lids.
His voice is a bit husky from the long plane ride and but it’s dynamic and sunny and…
It just struck Namjoon. Hoseok Jung struck Namjoon like a meteor. It almost hurts.
…
They get on their little plane that will finally land in Cambodia.
They sit next to eachother with little to no time to talk, both just absorbing everything around them, sparkling eyes, innocent and full of anticipation.
The hosts give them something to eat, but they forget to indulge in it before it’s time to land and their plates are taken from them.
When they get out of the plane, they’re still wearing their heavy and too hot clothes.
Weirdly they don’t even feel the need to remove them.
To entranced in the sensations.
Bright sunlight, warm, dry air, febrile and sweet in every way possible.
Tall palm trees and one huge airport, with unknown architecture.
The ground is dusty and rusty in color.
They’ve arrived.
…
Namjoon feels like the times he went to Korea to visit his family, bowing to every person he sees. The only difference is the slightly old-timey feeling of his hands pressed in a prayer at the bottom of his chest. Hoseok seems to have forgotten about the practice until he catches Namjoon in a bow while entering the bus that will bring them to the schoolgrounds. He frowns where he’s sitting, then his face visibly crumples in regret. Namjoon stifles a laugh.
“It’s ok”, he tells him in a low voice.
“I can’t believe I completely forgot. They’re gonna think I’m rude.”, Hoseok answers in a self-deprecating laugh.
“Don’t worry about it. They know we’re foreigners. A lot of things will be forgiven just for that reason.”, Namjoon reassures him.
Hoseok sighs but gives him a smile. He seems to overthink a lot. Namjoon can relate.
The bus drives through the red country of Siem Reap, creaking and tumbling over the beaten down road.
Namjoon feels the heat from underneath the layers of Hoseok sweaters. His heartbeat lifts up a bit at the thought of how warm his skin must be. He smells good. Like mint and laundry detergent.
The air in Siem Reap is full of lemongrass.
Half-way through their journey, Namjoon feels Hoseok’s head thumping on his shoulder. He suddenly feels trusted with this other boy’s sleep and it doesn’t even make him cringe like it would usually do. Namjoon lets his stress go away, lets it all go. He feels lucky and good and well. This is going to be so much fun.
…
Hoseok wakes up with the sounds of a strange land. The sounds far away and unreal.
The low humming of motorcycles and the distant echo of voices.
The murmur of the wind and the melody of crickets.
A deaf tune plays near his left ear, which is squished in warm fabric and skin.
Hoseok sits up straight as fast as possible.
Namjoon gives him a shy smile, ears plugged with white earphones. He takes one off.
“We’re almost there.”, he sounds a little giddy, like he’s restricting himself, but can’t hide how excited he is.
Hoseok groans in response and looks outside. He sees palm trees and a bunch of locals on motor bikes driving near the bus. One bike has four people on it. The little girl at the back looks him dead in the eye. He smiles and waves. She waves back.
He looks behind them in the bus, they’re the only ones left.
Suddenly, the bus stops. Namjoon almost falls from his bench and grips Hoseok’s arm to help himself up.
“Sorry”, he says, promptly snatching his hand away. He looks like a shy dude, Hoseok thinks. He doesn’t mind exactly, but he hopes he won’t be this shy around the kids.
Their guide comes to get them. His name is Sothy and he’s more than twice Hoseok’s build.
“This is where we get out, boys.”, he declares in a booming, sympathetic voice.
Hoseok gets up while Namjoon frowns.
“Is this the location? I don’t see the school…”
Sothy laughs, crinkles overwhelming his large, brown face.
“No, the school is way further down this road. But the bus doesn’t go there. We have to take the truck.”
Namjoon jaw seems a bit too set forward, like he’s worried or something.
They get out one by one, taking their bags in the trunk outside. The road seems bumpy and full of holes.
Waiting near the bus is a farm truck with a long bow on wheels, for a lack of words, at it’s back.
“We’re going in this?”, asks Namjoon, looking slightly disgusted. Hoseok rolls his eyes. What a snob.
“Yes, this is what brings the kids to school.”, answers Sothy with a wide smile. He doesn’t seem to care one bit that the foreigner is being judgemental of their method of transportation.
Hoseok hops in, followed by Namjoon who’s face seems to let on how sorry he is for having made a remark.
Hoseok makes a point to bow to the boy who’s driving them to the school.
…
Namjoon feels bad. He knows he’s overthinking, but he also knows it wasn’t his place to make that kind of commentary on the truck. He was just surprised. And maybe this is way out of his comfort zone, but he knew what he was getting in by coming here and he shouldn’t have said that.
His train of thought is cut through by Sothy’s voice.
“So, what brings you to our country, my friends?”
Hoseok is quick to respond: “The kids. I love working with kids and when I fell upon this job I knew it was for me. As well, I’ve never really heard about Cambodia, and I wanted to see what it was all about. I love learning new languages and new cultures.”
Then, both men turn their heads to him. Namjoon feels at a loss. He doesn’t know what to say.
“I’ve never really travelled before. This is my first time going somewhere else than Korea, to see my family. I wanted to do something, too- I mean, help- I mean, I wanted to be immersed and feel useful, not just be a tourist. I don’t know.”, he stumbles through his words.
Sothy looks at him deeply, nodding his head and humming. Hoseok has a weird smile on his face, like maybe he was expecting this kind of answer from him. ‘I don’t know’. Namjoon is so pathetic. Who says that, when they go to another country to live for six months? Hoseok hates him. Namjoon understands him. Fuck.
He tries to focus on the nature around. The tall trees, dry and full of red dust from the road. When he looks carefully behind the leaves and the bushes, he can see a multitude of little houses on stilts, clotheslines and tiny wooden stores. They look cute and nice. He feels good being here, feels at home, weirdly. A lady walking on the road waits for them on the side and hopes on the trunk swiftly. Sothy tells her something in khmer and they laugh. She smiles at him with sparkly eyes.
Namjoon smiles back but blushes furiously. She jumps back down a couple minutes later and runs down a small valley that brings to some spring water where kids are playing a game of tag. She seems to know them since they all scream when they see her.
“That’s Davi. She’s everyone’s big sister here. She takes care of a lot of the kids. You’ll see her a lot at the school. Her little brothers go there. She doesn’t speak a word of English, though.”, Sothy guffaws good-naturedly.
Namjoon nods politely. Hoseok starts talking about the school with Sothy. Namjoon stays quiet a bit, just enjoying the ride. He can’t wait to see the kids. He can’t wait to start these six months.
They arrive after a good twenty minutes.
The school is small and built horizontally. It’s blue and yellow and red all over. There’s a large area made of sand and a bit of grass. Probably where the kids spend their recess.
Sothy brings them to the gates and makes them wait there while he goes inside the school.
They both stand there uselessly, in silence for a while. Anticipating something, something they don’t even know what exactly. Kids, maybe.
“So, where you from?”, says Hoseok, clearly trying to make small talk.
“Ottawa, you?”
“Oh, I’m from Montreal.”
“Cool. Montreal’s nice.”, Namjoon says, doing his best not to let this conversation die.
“Yeah. I’m a dancer and me and my crew have competitions in Ottawa sometimes. Ottawa sucks though.”, he cackles, not even meanly, just matter-of-factly.
“True”, Namjoon says even if he doesn’t know why Ottawa sucks. “It’s cool that you’re a dancer. I can’t dance for my life.”
“Really? I’m sure you could. You walk like you would, actually.”
“What?”, mumbles Namjoon, confused.
“Yeah, you got that swag around you… Do you play a sport or something?”, Hoseok says, like he just didn’t tell Namjoon that he has swag.
“Uh. No…”
“Huh. Well, I’ll have to show you how to dance then”, Hoseok says again, like he didn’t offer Namjoon to dance with him.
Namjoon doesn’t even know what to say anymore, he’s so flustered and all over the place.
Hoseok gives him a look like he might start cooing at him.
Sothy comes back with a young looking guy and an older lady. He makes the presentations, they’re both teachers here, Vanna with the older kids and Tola with the younger ones. They tell them they’re excited to have them here and suggest they start the tour with their dorms so that they can drop their bags there.
They follow the two teachers behind the school building, where they can find a smaller edifice which seems to have been painted on in the colors of the rainbow. Namjoon suppresses a snort at the voice in the back of his head yelling ‘gay’ at the sight.
“The kids painted it for you, a week ago”, tells them Tola with a sweet smile.
Hoseok next to Namjoon adjusts one of his bags on his shoulder. “That’s so cute!”
They enter the dorms, which are technically just a horizontal room with two beds and two dressers.
There’s a long mirror on the left side and nothing else. Still, some sort of aching feeling takes over Namjoon’s chest as he realizes this is going to be his home for the next six months.
Tola and Vanna show them the bathrooms which are outside the dorm, near the school. It’s a ceramic hole in the ground, something Namjoon has never seen and shakes him a little to his core. He’s going to miss the good old western toilets.
Then, the two teachers leave them to their own, telling them they’re staying in the dorms on the other side of the grounds and that Sovuthy’s house is near the school and that they can always call him if they need anything. They both take in the information, clearly getting tired after their flight.
When they’re alone, no words are uttered for a while as they both settle in, putting their stuff in the dressers and answering messages on their respective phones.
Namjoon is getting more and more exhausted as the evening comes to an end. He wants to take a shower, so he starts to undress unhurriedly, tripping in his jeans at one point. Hoseok never takes his eyes off his cellphone.
He takes one of the towels that were in the dresser and wraps it around his hips. He wonders if he should say he’s taking a shower or if it’s already obvious. He wonders if he should’ve asked if Hoseok wanted to take a shower first.
He catches his reflection in the mirror near his bed. He’s a bit skinny and pale but he knows this will change during this trip. He cringes a bit as he sees how awkward the shape of his chest is, even if he is used to it by now.
He slips on some sandals and opens the door to go to the bathrooms.
Hoseok watches as the door clicks as it closes behind the guy. He feels his jaw as it tightens painfully.
He knows they’re both dead tired from the plane, but he’s a bit scared of the silence that stretched between them since they’ve been left alone. Is this really how it’s going to be for six months? Do they even have a chance at being somewhat friends? Do they even have anything in common beside being Korean and studying English?
He closes his phone and pockets it. It’s a good time to take his shot, now that the guy is gone. He swings his legs off the bed and goes to scavenge for his Testosterone in his suitcase. He has enough for a year in there. He meticulously prepares the shot, so accustomed to it by now, it only feels a bit of an impossible task now. He used to have panic attacks every time he did it when he started. That was six years ago.
He takes off his pants and disinfects the area on his thigh in one swift move, immediately goes to plant the needle in his flesh. It usually takes a few seconds, but that’s enough that when the door opens to an entirely dry Namjoon he can’t really do anything about it.
He groans as he feels his blood pressure go up and finishes quietly as the guy just… stands there.
Hoseok curses at himself internally, can’t help the distraught that fills him. He thought maybe he would tell him one day during these six months, maybe he would come out after they know eachother a little better. Maybe not. He liked having the choice, after many years of not passing and getting clocked the moment he entered a room. It was nice to know he decided who knew that part of him or not, who he trusted with this side of him. Now, it was ruined.
He turns to Namjoon with a sigh. The guy is still just standing there, eyes wide but eyebrows furrowed. He looks very confused. Fuck.
Hoseok goes to say something but Namjoon seems to get out of his trance at the same moment.
“I—I forgot my cleanser—What…? Is that heroin?”
Hoseok can’t help the surprised cackle that gets out of him. “Heroin? No, no, no—”
“Sorry! Sorry, I don’t know why I said that, it’s your business, just—” Namjoon’s face turns red and his hands flail around.
“It’s not heroin, it’s medical stuff, don’t worry”, Hoseok says, a bit tilted at the stressful interaction.
Namjoon’s mouth opens and closes a few times but then he seems to think better of it and goes straight for his cleanser he forgot on the dresser and leaves.
Hoseok lets himself fall on the mattress with a deep sigh. What a fucking way to start this.
They don’t talk until both of them are showered and in their respective beds. One light is still on, not enough to really see much, but enough to set a certain atmosphere. Namjoon is writing in a little notebook, Hoseok tries to fall asleep, but figures after fifteen minutes of tossing and turning, that he might have to talk about it.
“Hey, can I tell you something?”, he says abruptly, laying on his side, facing Namjoon.
The other guy makes a noise of agreement as he puts down his notebook and pen and gives him his complete attention.
It takes him some time to find the words he wants to say.
“I wasn’t taking heroin, when you caught me. I was taking testosterone.”
Namjoon visibly gulps. “It’s ok! I’m sorry, I didn’t knock. It’s not my business.”
Hoseok is thankful for the out Namjoon is giving him. Maybe he doesn’t need to tell him anything. He’s not sure Namjoon understands what taking testosterone implies. Still, it’s half way out already, he should just get on with it, now that it’s out in the open.
Hoseok refrains himself from sighing. He’s about to come out to a cis guy, and even with how scary that is, he seems to be pretty open minded and respectful. It should be alright… right?
“It’s fine. I just wanted to explain. I take testosterone because… I’m transgender. I just wanted to let you know.”
Hoseok says it kind of low, he almost isn’t sure Namjoon heard him until the other makes a realization face, eyes wide, mouth opening.
“Oh… Ok.”
There’s a beat.
Hoseok readjusts his position inside the covers. Namjoon is nodding very subtly, but not looking at him.
“If you could keep that between us, that’d be great”, Hoseok decides to say, just in case.
“Oh, for sure. Yeah. You can trust me”, Namjoon says making quick eye contact.
Hoseok looks at him. He doesn’t seem uncomfortable, maybe… embarrassed? He decides that’s enough for tonight.
“Thanks. Goodnight.”
Namjoon puts aside his notebook and pen and closes the light.