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Dick is pausing for a breath while recounting his most recent sexual conquest with his boyfriend, so Jason takes the chance to speak up. It's the first break Dick has taken to breathe, he's so excited to share.
"Hey." Jason clears his throat, forces his shoulders to relax. "So. I'm real glad you want to share all this with me. Um. It's not your fault 'cause I've never asked you this before but can you give me a little warning before we talk about sex? Or being horny? Or anything that has to do with it? Just, like-" When Dick looks away from the city skyline and at Jason, he holds his helmet to his chest for a little more security, the fingers of one hand curling under the red chin. He doesn't want to look away, certain Dick will honor what he's asking if he can just say it. Jason blows a breath out. "Something like: 'Can I tell you what Wally and I did in bed last night?' and then I can say if I'm ready or not."
The mask pulls on Dick's forehead, Jason knows he's lifting his eyebrows. "Oh. Oh yeah." Dick chuckles a little to break any tension and Jason does it too, let's himself look at the city again, relaxing. "Yeah, sure thing, buddy." He doesn't pick up the story again, figuring Jason asked because he'd been uncomfortable in the first place. Jason can hear the gears turning in his brother's head.
"So. You feeling more ace these days, or what?" Dick finally asks.
Jason frowns, annoyed that Dick broadly assumes it's an asexual tick to dislike talking about sex completely, when it should just be considerate. "No. I'm asking you to give me the chance to consent, y'know, to talk about sex," Jason clarifies. He's back to feeling nervous.
Dick nods. "That's fair. Did something happen?" And Jason knows Dick is thinking about how they've talked like this before and Jason's never said anything. Times when Jason's contributed, times he's told his own stories to get a laugh, or told a good dirty joke. The guy had always had a way with bad words.
However, Jason would prepare him, asking "want to hear a dirty joke?" Even as a kid, even when Jason had a devilish grin and wanted so badly to tell a good one, finally out of earshot of Bruce, he'd ask if Dick was ready for it.
It's right on the tip of Jason’s tongue, all the words to explain why he feels incredibly squeamish. Why he needs preamble to prepare himself, why he dislikes having the topic sprung on him.
Jason takes a slow breath and looks at his gloved hands, his armor, the roof ledge they're resting on for a mid patrol break. "Not really. If you're curious I'll tell you about it. But maybe when we're back home and we're changed and I'm chillin' out, okay?" When he looks at Dick he sees him shrug and nod, accepting.
Jason wants to pat himself on the back. He doesn't mind explaining it to his brother. But Jason knows that if he launches into it now, here, where there's unknown interruptions and the wind is biting his cheeks and he's not exactly warm and safe and rested, that it's not going to feel good. Jason would get wrung out and ramble and it would be counter productive. He'd just asked Dick to stop talking about sex, Jason's already uncomfortable, it wouldn't do any good to dive in again now.
Dick easily finds something else to talk about and it's not long until they part ways and resume patrol.
They don't get around to it that night, too tired. But the next time Dick comes over for a movie night Jason gets the chance to break some of it down for him. Jason doesn't share everything, but he shares what he wants Dick to know, what he thinks will feel good to say to his brother.
"It's like this… We see a lot of shit, in the field I mean. And I saw it on the streets before B picked me up. And lived it." Jason's fixing a mug of tea in the kitchen and Dick is at the table, preemptively helping himself to the popcorn they're meant to eat during the movie. "And we never ask to see any of that stuff. Some really horrific things. It's really messed with me, in my core, I can feel it." Jason presses his palm to the middle of his torso, just under his chest. He lets out a big sigh. "Makes me sad, makes me sick, and scared. I'm not gonna stop working and helping people who are getting hurt. I want to be there for them, I'm willing to put my comfort on the line for anyone that needs me." Jason takes his mug to the table so he can sit across from Dick.
When he faces his brother Jason knows that Dick is understanding him by the softness in his blue eyes. "These last couple years, since I've come back, I've been really careless. Like, go head first into cases that I knew were going to trigger me, without even pausing to fortify myself." He brushes a hand through his bangs then brings it down to cup the hot mug. "I would muscle through and by the end of it I'd be completely wrecked and it took a while for me to realize I'm fucking traumatized by this stuff."
Dick snorts and immediately covers his mouth to muffle it. Jason just laughs with him. "I know, I know, it should have been obvious. But Dick I was so distracted by the Joker, by my death... There's a whole slew of things I forgot had also been hurting me. Like being beat by my pop, and seeing straight up murder and rape in my neighborhood. Just because it didn't happen to me, I forget it hurt me. And I kept seeing it when B made me Robin, every night on patrol. You've seen it too." Jason sucks in a soothing breath to fill his lungs and blow out in a sigh in the space between them. He humbly tucks away memories of countless victims in a practiced way, as naturally as he slaps a fresh magazine into his pistol.
Across the table Dick is picking his cuticles. "Yeah...hurts me too."
"So this year, as you know, I'm doing better. I'm not in constant survival mode." Jason says it as he slumps back in his chair, visibly relieved he's come this far. He sips his tea, lets it warm and relax his throat. "I'm finding that if I can have a little more control just day to day, set boundaries, then I'm so much more capable to help people out there. And I get less and less shattered when I do."
Dick is looking at him with the warmest smile and it makes Jason feel really good, like someone is seeing all of his hard work, too. It feels good to make someone proud of him. "You are fucking incredible, Jason," Dick tells him and it's a testament to his progress that Jason doesn't come back with sarcasm, or worse, denies Dick's compliment. In fact, Jason grins and fishes for more.
"You think so?" Jason's hiding his smile behind the tea mug.
"I do. And I gotta take a page out of your book little wing, because you're doing some really important introspection that I think I might need, actually." Jason sets his mug down and leans forward.
"The movie can wait if you want to tell me about it," Jason offers, feeling sure and steady like he can be there for somebody else now, since he's put himself first.
"Yeah," Dick says and gets his elbows on the table and takes a breath. "Feels like I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. Like I'm not um...like I throw myself under the bus. Blow right by all my red flags, walk straight into my triggers…"
They stay at the table for an hour, hashing it out. Jason calls it enough after that, saying it's enough for that night and they're probably too tired now to be poking these old ghosts and scars. But Dick doesn't mind and he's smiling and looking lighter than he has all month, Jason thinks. They finally sit down for the movie and both of them fall asleep on the couch halfway through.