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There really wasn’t any better way to do this.
After three years of breakdowns, Jun had yet to get better.
It was five am, and Tatsuya’s arm was over his body, and the warmth felt..
Oppressive.
Tatsuya had asked him twice already to move in with him.
The most he had conceded to was sleeping in the same bed. The same too hot, too sweaty, too oppressive bed.
Aquarius was a difficult sign to tie down, after all. And Jun was feeling more and more restless next to the person who was supposed to be his equal in everything. The one he was supposed to love unconditionally.
Were they going too fast? Probably.
They had been going too fast these past three years, if he had to be honest. Managing a crush was easy when said crush didn’t care about one’s existence, but the thing was different when they were sleeping next to one and saying they loved one in a hesitant voice.
And Jun hadn’t answered that question.
He really.. didn’t. Want to answer that.
Because the idea of Tatsuya was wonderful. He had hated, loved, crushed on and kept safe in his heart an idea of Tatsuya for a decade.
Then they had saved the world, gotten together with the support of everyone around them.
They had been happy.
And then things had settled down.
Quietly.
Tatsuya adored him. Kept him close, as close as he was allowed by Jun and sometimes pushing for further. Tried to give him the love he had been rejected. But like something rotten to the core and impossible to salvage, every inch of love he was shown felt like thorns into his body, more food for the decay.
Jun felt unsalvageable.
Unlovable.
( And it hurt.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt- )
Because he saw the dark circles under Tatsuya’s eyes after searching for him all night and finding him seated on the shrine’s stairs, or where the temples had been, reflections of his mistakes littered all over a city that had only survived thanks to the hand of a God that had been surprisingly benevolent.
And he knew he was unlovable.
( And it hurt.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt- )
Unlovable because he heard when Tatsuya had called Maya, worried, incredibly worried for a partner that had been prepared to die yet hadn’t, with anguish in his voice asking what he had done wrong, if this was his fault, if Jun was going to be okay.
He felt extremely guilty.
For his mistakes, for the deaths he had caused, for the monster he had been.
For causing the most wonderful man he had met so much pain.
For still being there himself.
The arm on his body felt oppressive.
The bed felt oppressive.
His beating heart felt oppressive.
Oppressive like his parents fighting and screaming, like the plates his mother threw in between her shrill screams, accusing his father of being a cheater while she bedded someone else on the same breath. Like how Jun had to cover his little ears and rock himself in a corner if that day he hadn’t been able to escape to see his best friend.
The best friend that was keeping him on the bed through body weight.
Had he made a mistake? The moment he kissed him. The moment he undressed.
The moment he had let Tatsuya smile at him for the first time in a way that wasn’t platonic.
( And it hurt.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt- )
He wanted to run to the park and meet his best friend, but his best friend was there, and wouldn’t let him go.
When he left that morning, he didn’t even say goodbye.
( And it hurt.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt- )
“Tatsuya?” He asked softly, when he had asked them to meet after days of radio silence from him.
The pain in Tatsuya’s eyes let him know he knew what was coming, the shaking in his hands and the flickering in his breath a premonition.
A signal.
A car crash in slow motion.
A coin thrown in the water.
“Aren’t you tired of this?” He mumbled.
“Of what?”
“Us.”
The pain in Tatsuya’s voice was welcomed.
Yet abhorred.
“I- Jun I’d never get tired of us. Never.”
The sky around them was mockingly blue. Perfect for a romantic picnic, a cutesy date. Cuddling together in bed while time passed by.
Tears had yet to fall from his eyes.
In fact, he had yet to feel much at all outside of hot searing pain. All he knew was that he was trapped, and had to take flight.
Leave Tatsuya alone.
Leave his friends alone.
Find someone that wasn’t an everyday reminder of his past mistakes.
“I’m tired, Tatsuya.”
When he turned back, the man he had dreamed of for a decade was shaking slightly. “What..” He wanted to say something else, but all that came out of him was getting his lighter from his pocket and flickering it over and over.
If he had noticed Jun wasn’t wearing the watch, that was up to him. He had cherished and loved that gift. But if he was going to leave him alone to finally flourish, Jun needed no excuses to come back to him and make his life hell once more.
( And it hurt.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt- )
“I don’t want to do this anymore, Tatsuya. You deserve someone better, far better than me. Someone who can truly be for your benefit, and not your pain.” That.. had been hard to say with the anguish choking his throat.
(People passed by them, unaware of what was going on.)
(Good for them.)
The sob that Jun heard was completely unexpected. He turned around, to find Tatsuya trying his best not to cry, shaking and trying to make himself smaller in subtle ways, the lighter barely on his hand. He kept himself quite composed if someone from the outside were to see him, but Jun knew.
He knew Tatsuya well.
He had been his refuge after all.
( And it hurt.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt- )
He had to suppress the urge to hug him close.
He had wanted to bring Tatsuya a flower, but felt it was distasteful.
Tears fell down without his consent.
“Jun?”
“Yes?”
“Why are you doing this?” His voice was so small.
“I.” He wasn’t sure. But he felt like a caged animal, desperate to get out, gnawing his own paw and doing his best to pretend the pain was worth the freedom.
Perhaps to cause no more pain, no longer see the hollow under Tatsuya’s beautiful, beautiful eyes.
“Did I do something?” But how could he answer that question? If the problem was Jun and not him, if the problem was that he was trapped and needed to get out like he needed air, and the embrace of his best friend had turned into suffocation?
“You did your best, Tatsuya. A-and.” He closed his eyes. “And I thank you for everything.”
He rose up.
Tatsuya was desperate enough to follow.
And so they walked. A couple of streets together, hands no longer linked, talking about things they said they would do the following week, and quietly cancelling them.
“I’ll miss hugging you.” Tatsuya quietly declared, a double edged plea, as he had known Jun melted when Tatsuya was bold enough to say things like that.
He didn’t reply to that, only when he realised they were going towards his house, repeating patterns of three years after a date, going to one or the other’s house to play games and cuddle. To sleep together in a bed, with Tatsuya’s arm over his skin.
“I. You can leave me here-”
“I want you to get home safe.”
The trembling in his limbs felt horrible. The way his lips shook and his neck threatened to tense up, the acid accumulating on his eyes.
The drowning sensation in the back of his mind.
He looked up at Tatsuya, who was in a state similar to his own. “I..” He had to rub one of his eyes to stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. Tatsuya got a little closer, wanting to wrap his arms around the love of his life, because he knew him so well he knew his little twitches and every intention, every worried expression, every time Tatsuya had heard him scream his cries and shake all over him.
Every time he had broken himself up over mistakes his father figure had manipulated him into doing.
( And it hurt.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt- )
“Please don’t hug me.”
Tatsuya’s broken heart attempted to spill all over. He pretended he didn’t see the way Tatsuya tried to keep the pieces together.
“I. Please forget about me, alright? It won’t be too hard.” He gave him a bittersweet smile as he began to walk away.
“You- Jun.” He followed, not ready to cut the strings that tied them together just yet, not wanting to let his heart’s contents spill everywhere around them.
He had to stop and turn around, and place a hand on Tatsuya’s chest, one he quickly latched onto, grabbing it gently.
“Look. I want something else for my life, okay? Something new, a-and. I want you to be with someone who actually deserves you, Tatsuya. Not a murderer, or a burden, or a manipulative piece of shit. Someone who actually loves you and is pure of heart like you.”
“You’re not a murderer.” Tatsuya wouldn’t let him go, still subtly shaking.
“I am. Now let me go.”
“Jun, you’re not a burden to me, you’re not-”
“Shut up, Tatsuya.” He yanked his hands away, which Tatsuya still chased.
“Jun, please. ”
“Shut the fuck up.”
That kept him quiet.
“You deserve more than me, Tatsuya. You deserve more. And I’m not going to let you waste your life on someone like me, who’ll only cause you pain. I won’t let you keep wasting years with someone like me. I won’t fucking let you, because I love you, I love you so much, enough to know that I’m poisoning you, fuck, I’m poisoning you!” If tears were now fully falling down his face, he didn’t care.
The sky shone so brightly it made Jun’s sadness an irrelevant contrast. It cheered for Tatsuya’s freedom, seemingly, as Jun seemed to ignore the overcast clouds that threatened to take over from the south.
He left without looking back, no matter how much it hurt.
( And it hurt.
It hurt, it hurt , it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt- )
IT HURT.
Only when Tatsuya’s mind finally pieced together exactly what had happened, it began to rain.