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Oh how Irene hated interviews. They weren’t all that bad, talking about their comebacks or sharing funny stories wasn’t an issue. But sometimes things got too personal and it was uncomfortable, especially for Irene. She always got asked the worst of the worst. Not only was she the leader and the oldest, but she was also the visual, the focus of all physical appearance. Not one interview went by where she wasn’t asked something that was uncomfortable, this one included.
“So, Irene, you’re the eldest of the group. Surely you’ve gotten a lot of questions about your future plans, especially surrounding marriage and children.” The interviewer stated, and Irene wasn’t exactly sure what he was trying to get out.
“Well yes, I know that a lot of people speculate over those things.” She says softly, a bit nervous to see where this conversation was going. She never liked talking about these things.
“So do you have any plans as of now?”
There it was, just like all the others before who’ve asked her the same question again and again.
“No. I don’t. My focus is on my career as of right now, once Red Velvet is no longer promoting, then I’ll have the time to think about it.” She says, the tone in her voice was enough of an indicator to her distaste for this subject. The other girls glanced at her nervously, they knew just as well that she hated these conversations.
The interviewer just nodded and moved on, leaving Irene to try and gather her thoughts. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t thought about it. Of course she has, she always thinks about it. But every time she does, it feels like a pit growing in her stomach and it leaves her uneasy. The idea of marriage, kids, she hates it, loathes it. And for the life of her, she cannot figure out why she feels that way.
She’s never wanted a husband, or a wife for that matter, she just never thought married life was for her, much less a married life with children. She had four of her own now, that was plenty of maternal experience for the rest of her life. Was that so hard to understand? Why did people keep asking? So what if she didn’t want a partner or a family, she didn’t have to have one.
She couldn’t fathom why it was so important. Her thoughts were drawn away by Joy nudging her, motioning to the interviewer who was looking at her expectantly.
“I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?” She asks sheepishly, and he does as asked with no other questions.
Yet all she can focus on is marriage, that’s what they all wanted she supposes, so why does it feel so wrong?
-
The occasion that all five girls were free at any given point was incredibly rare, but they made it a point to spend a few nights together every month. Usually they’d order takeout and watch movies and just talk about life. Today was one of those days where they did exactly that, but this time around it was Joy’s turn to pick a movie. Knowing Joy, Irene was positive it would have some hot male actor in it and plenty of sexual activity, and boy was she right.
“Oh I’ve been wanting to watch that one!” Joy exclaims in excitement as she suddenly stops scrolling. Irene looks to the screen and blinks hard.
365 Days.
She’s heard of it, didn’t know much about it, but what she did know was nothing that interested her. And she was right again, she hardly was able to keep up with what was going on, barely paying attention. The movie reeked of toxicity and far too much sexual energy for her to feel even the slightest bit interested. But that certainly didn’t stop the others from watching intently.
“He is so attractive, how I would kill for that man to do those things to me…” Joy says, fanning herself in a dramatic way. Irene resists the urge to roll her eyes.
“Sure he’s hot, but she’s hotter.” Yeri tosses back and Joy scoffs, starting an argument with the youngest over which of the actors was more attractive. It was well known that their youngest was far from straight, something they had all accepted with ease.
“I think they’re both pretty hot.” Seulgi shrugs, turning to Wendy who nodded in agreeance.
For once, Irene actually focused on the television to avoid the gazes turning towards her. As much as she wasn’t interested in watching the nude man on the screen grab the equally nude woman by the neck on screen, she also wasn’t interested in putting in her two cents.
“What about you unnie? Which do you find more attractive?” Joy asks her pointedly, because of course it would be her to get under Irene’s skin.
The woman obviously . Irene didn’t have much of an eye for men at all really, there was no appeal to them. They were not always comfortable to be around and she didn’t like the way they looked at her. Women were different, softer, prettier, more understanding. She definitely found herself attracted to women, just not necessarily in a lustful way.
“I think they’re both conventionally attractive. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t have been casted in this movie.” She says rather plainly, and she can tell no one is impressed by her answer but she genuinely did not care.
“Ah, buzzkill.” She heard Joy tease under her breath, but she wasn’t in the mood to fight back. She turned her attention back to the movie, trying to follow along with the plot despite her general lack of interest.
The movie goes on, she remains less than impressed, and then it ends and they talk about how attractive it was before they say their goodnights. It was just a movie targeted to sexually frustrated adults and women who like toxic men, she concludes, no reason for her to enjoy it considering she’s neither. She couldn’t have been the only one of them to not enjoy it, sure the others said it was attractive but not that it was a good movie, she explains it away.
It just doesn’t explain why she can’t sleep that night.
-
Irene doesn’t find much enjoyment in their next few movie nights. The idea of watching movies stresses her out and she doesn’t understand why, it’s like she finds a reason to not like every movie with some sort of sexual plotline. And she becomes increasingly aware of how difficult it is for her to find movies without one that wouldn’t be too boring for the other girls to watch. In the end, she just gave up and let it be, focusing on her phone rather than whatever sex scene was on the television next.
She finds that she just can’t sleep every time they have a movie night.
Maybe she’s just not tired, or maybe it’s because they spent a few hours doing nothing and now she’s rested enough. Maybe it’s because she spends too much time thinking about how unrealistic and unenjoyable those movies are. Or maybe it's because she is sexually frustrated.
She tried to deny it for a while. There wasn’t a reason for her to feel that way was there? They had a conversation not so long ago about sex, she stayed silent but paid attention as she always did. Joy was sexually active, they were all well aware of that, Yeri too. Even Joy and Seulgi got around occasionally and talked about it. She was the only one who wasn’t and it became increasingly aware to the others that she wasn’t when she had nothing to share.
“When’s the last time you had sex unnie?” Joy asked with genuine curiosity and Irene instantly felt out of place.
She shrugs, looking anywhere but back at their faces. “Probably in high school.”
Irene wasn’t a virgin. She had sex once in high school with a male classmate. It didn’t last more than five minutes and she felt nauseous the whole time and long into the night afterwards. It just solidified her distaste for men at that point, but she still had yet to have sex with a woman. It just never seemed to really cross her mind.
“You mean it’s been over a decade since you’ve had sex?” Yeri asks in astonishment and Irene wants to end this conversation. When Yeri puts it that way, it just sounds embarrassing.
“Maybe that’s why you’re so tense and stressed all the time, you need to get laid.” Joy jokes and the others laugh along, she doesn’t.
“Do you at least masturbate?” Wendy asks in that soft, gentle tone she always used when she sensed Irene’s discomfort.
Masturbate? Sure she did, maybe once a week, sometimes twice. She never thinks much about it, it feels nice but there’s not much else to it. It’s not like she reacts much. The others talk about how they get all worked up and their body reacts to it. That’s never happened to her, there’s never a sign of arousal. It’s always been a one and done thing to her, she’s never felt the need for more.
“Sometimes yeah.” She shrugs again, looking at her nails to feign nonchalance.
“What do you do? Do you watch porn?” Seulgi asks suggestively, Irene can hear the smirk on her face. These questions were getting tiring and way too personal, but she couldn’t find it in herself to shut them down.
“No, I don’t like it.” And what was there to like? What's the appeal in watching two, or god forbid more than two, other people have sex? She never understood.
The girls are silent for a moment before Seulgi speaks up again. “So then what… what do you do?”
“I just do it I guess.” Her tone tells them that she’s done with this, and she’s glad that they don’t press anymore. The topic shifts rather quickly and she lets her guard down again once she’s more comfortable with the topic. After the conversation ends and they go their separate ways, Joy pulls her to the side and Irene can already tell she’s not interested in what Joy will say.
“Maybe you should try watching a specific type of porn, or using a sexy chatting website to talk to other people. You’ve been so tense lately unnie, you need to work out all that frustration somehow.” Irene doesn’t know what to say, but thankfully Joy gets the hint and walks away without another word.
She walks off to her room and puts that conversation in the back of her mind.
-
She takes that advice after another frustrating movie night. Maybe Joy would be right, maybe she just needed to watch something that she would like. She begrudgingly searches through a popular website, opening a video. It’s worth a shot , she thinks.
The video is turned off within a minute and she goes back to keeping her eyes on the ceiling as she gets herself off.
She still doesn’t sleep that night.
-
Movie nights were rare, drunken outings were rarer. They were able to go out all together maybe once every few months with no worries or cares or schedules lined up the next day. These nights held a lot of meaning to each of them, a chance for them all to relax and get things off of their shoulders with no judgement, and of course a night of laughing and drinking was always a pleasure. Every night out was to a different place where they’d stay and in their little corner and just talk for hours until the palace eventually closed and they were tossed out.
They were having a fun night that night, all of them drinking comfortably and laughing. Irene was tucked into a booth next to Seulgi, sitting across from Wendy and Yeri while Joy sat at the end. She’s not sure how many rounds of drinks they’ve had at that point, but they all had a buzzed glow to them and their cheeks were rosy, telltale signs of a lack of sobriety.
“What do you guys want to do after idol life?” Seulgi asks them after a moment of comfortable silence. They all take their time to think about it.
“I might go back to Canada, I’m not sure. I plan to be singing for a long time, it just depends where. I’d like to keep that option open.” They nod at Wendy’s words thoughtfully, the idea of them all parting one day was painful, but they had embraced the excitement of their futures a long time ago.
“I want to travel!” Yeri says excitedly, sipping from her drink. “I hope I have a girlfriend by then so we can travel. Saeron and I had plans to do that but well…”
The girls nod empathetically as Yeri trails off, Wendy patting her back gently. “It’s alright Yeri, you’ll find someone who’s ready to conquer the world with you one day.”
There’s another beat of silence before Joy spoke up. “I think I want to try acting again, and maybe model more often. I like being the focal point of the camera, it’s exciting.”
“I might try choreographing, it would be so satisfying to see other people performing my dances. Maybe I can even open a studio and teach people.” Seulgi smiled dreamily thinking about it, they all knew how passionate she was.
“What about you unnie? What are your plans?” Wendy asks Irene, noticing how silent she had been. Irene just shrugged a little, she didn’t really know her next step. There was all that pressure for her to settle down and marry but she didn’t know what she wanted.
“I’m not sure, maybe I’ll try out modeling a bit more, it was fun in the past.” She says simply. The girls just nod along with her, but she can tell they’re all thinking it. They wouldn’t ask, they know that she hates when people ask, but she can see it on their faces.
She’s not sure if it’s the alcohol giving her the confidence, or because she needed to get it off her chest, but the words tumble out before she can stop them.
“I don’t want to get married.”
There’s a long pause as they all just think about what to say, and she finds herself feeling oddly nervous, as if this was a big deal.
“Okay, you’re not obligated to.” Seulgi shrugs easily, and Irene feels like a weight was lifted off her chest. Finally, someone wasn’t expecting her to marry and have kids.
“Yeah, you don’t have to get married now, or even in the future. You can stay single, or have a girlfriend at some point.” Yeri tells her, giving her an encouraging smile.
Irene doesn’t mind the sound of that. She wouldn’t mind a relationship necessarily, it would be nice having someone she could share all her worries with, a constant source of strength. But with relationships came a lot of responsibility, a lot of commitment and trust. There was a lot of affection and intimacy involved, something she was less confident with. Sure, she could be affectionate with the girls, but that’s purely platonic. Romantic affection is different, and she doesn’t understand why but it scares her to think about.
“Maybe.” She smiles, though quite unsure. The conversation shifts after that when Joy declares that she’s ready to find a steady partner. Yeri makes a comment about how he better have good enough sexual stamina and Irene tunes out a bit, looking out onto the street and thinking about her own relationship.
Did she really want one? Was she cut out for one? She feels inexperienced, underqualified. The girls always expressed interest and excitement about dating and she’s never felt much more beyond a slight desire to find a long term partner. She wonders if the affection and intimacy comes naturally. She wonders if she’ll ever be comfortable enough to find out.
“Unnie?” She hears Wendy call, and she turns her head to find everyone looking at her. “You okay?”
“Oh, yeah, just admiring the shops outside.” She says softly with a smile. It seems to appease the others and she lets out a gentle sigh. “It’s late, we should start heading back home.”
They never leave their nights out until late into the evening, but none of them question her. Even through their drunkenness, they can tell something was bugging their leader. Irene pays quietly for all of them and they head home.
Yeri, Joy, and Seulgi all linked arms, singing and dancing along the sidewalk on their walk home. Irene can’t help but smile and laugh at their antics. She feels an arm loop through hers and turns to see Wendy smiling at her.
“Did you have fun tonight unnie?”
“Yeah, did you?”
“Yeah.”
They give each other soft looks, walking along silently and enjoying each other’s company. Irene thinks about how comfortable she feels with them, especially with Wendy. She always felt like a source of strength for her, someone who she could always fall back on, and Irene was grateful for her in every way.
“Do I have something on my face?” Wendy asks, amused. “You’re staring at me.”
Irene just shakes her head, looking away sheepishly. “No, you’re fine. I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have you as a friend.”
“Unnie…” Wendy blushes, it was unlike Irene to be so sentimental. “I don’t think you realize that we’re the lucky ones.”
“What do you mean?” She furrowed her eyebrows.
“It’s not everyday you meet someone so focused on her goals and the happiness and healthiness of those around her. You’re a good leader unnie, and we are all so thankful for you.” Irene blushes at Wendy’s words, she wasn’t used to the praise. “You’d make a great mother.”
They walk along silently after that, but Irene can’t help but focus on Wendy’s final words. You’d make a great mother . It’s the way Wendy said it that stuck with her. She didn’t insinuate that one day Irene would have kids of her own, a family of her own. She just simply stated the idea, leaving it open to Irene’s future decisions. Wendy was careful with her words, Wendy understood. Maybe she was overthinking it, maybe Wendy just worded it that way by accident.
But maybe it was on purpose, and Irene held onto that thought.
Irene couldn’t help but smile, tightening her hold on Wendy’s arm as they walked the rest of the way home.
-
They end up on a beach a few years down the road. Just the two of them. Irene is wearing a pretty floral dress, her sandals kicked off to the side. Wendy is next to her wearing the same, yet somehow Irene thinks she looks ten times more beautiful in it. The sounds of the ocean are calming like the salty breeze flowing through their styled hair. The cold sand beneath their feet compliments the warm orange glow from the setting sun.
Off in the distance they could hear the sounds of celebration, upbeat music blaring through the speakers under the reception tent. They didn’t need to turn and look to know what was happening. Somewhere over there, Joy was in her beautiful white gown dancing with her new husband happily, and Yeri and Seulgi were most likely cheering them on while drinking themselves halfway into a coma. The wedding was beautiful, and it was a great reason for them to all reunite after so many years.
But now it was just the two of them, alone on their own section of the beach sitting side by side in the most comfortable silence Irene has ever felt.
“Is this something you’ll want someday?” Wendy asks her out of nowhere, eyes locked on the calm waters in front of them. Irene doesn’t have to ask to know she’s referring to the wedding.
“Maybe,” Irene whispers, turning her head to admire Wendy’s face in the warm light of the sunset, “if it’s with you.”
Wendy meets her eyes, smiling and Irene can’t think of anything more beautiful. “I want that too.”
“Seungwan, I can’t give you what others can…” She feels her own smile drop, her heart suddenly sorrowful. Her greatest fear was not being enough for the one person who made her feel capable of love.
“I don’t care about that stuff Joohyun. I don’t care if you never want to have sex with me, I don’t care if you want to sleep in separate beds, even rooms if that’s what you really want. I don’t care about romantic dates, or cute pet names, or being affectionate. I just want to spend my life with you by my side, you are all I need.”
She blinks back the tears as Wendy caresses her cheek gently, how lucky was she to have someone like Wendy? Irene would never begin to understand why Wendy would ever pick her.
After all these years apart, Wendy still picked her. And Irene knew in her heart that there was no one else for her, even if they had never met again, Irene would have always picked Wendy.
Irene loves Wendy and Wendy loves Irene. Wendy understands that Irene doesn’t love love or romance or sex, and she is okay with that. Wendy understands her, perhaps more than Irene will ever be able to understand herself.
“I love you, Joohyun.” Wendy tells her tenderly, and Irene grabs her hand, lacing their fingers together as she turns back to the sunset.
“I love you too, Seungwan.”
And Irene had never been more sure of anything in her life.