Archive of Our Own

Yan An is too young to die. He’s just turned nineteen, here, on the battlefield surrounded by corpses and groans of the ones who weren’t fortunate enough to die quickly. Yan An is one of them. The pain wracking his body is unbearable, the shells inside his abdomen lodged deeply in arteries and what Yan An horrifyingly thinks is probably his lungs. The blood is seeping out uncontrollably, and the young man - the boy , only just a boy still - sobs, cries for his mother and thinks of the other boy he’s left behind at the tent - praying to someone, anyone, to save at least him. If he won’t make it out of this hellish landscape, if he is to die here in shame and shit and misery - let Changgu live. Every sob makes the pain worse, but he can’t stop - he thinks of his mother burying him, of never seeing her again - he thinks of a beautiful boy and his bright smile in the darkest places, the nights he held him through his shaking and screaming, eyes closed but living every nightmare he’s already seen in reality. Yan An wasn’t made for the battlefield, for taking the lives of men that begged him not to before he shot them down. Why? Why did they make him? He yells in rage, in hatred of the government that sent not only him, but Changgu - his lovely Changgu to die, worse - to kill. He thinks he starts to see an overwhelmingly bright light covering his vision of the smoky sky, the sky a muted color of the blood all around them, seeping out of him, the blood on his hands. For a moment, Yan An thinks he deserves this. He’s killed many, so, so many, and how is he to live with that after they go home. Is it better to die here than by his own hand when he inevitably takes his life later, unable to live with his actions?

“Are you alive?” A voice asks, someone not hurt enough to sound like the rest of them - using the last of their breaths, final words for all. He tries to answer but spits up blood that goes down his windpipe and he loses the ability to breathe completely, choking on it.

“We have to move him!” He hears - but no, it can’t be. “Please, he’s going to suffocate and he’s already lost so much , so much blood.” The voice is so raw, so broken, the desperation and pain inside it breaks Yan An’s heart. Never did he think he would hear Changgu sound like this, hoped he would never - but with them both in battle every day, the possibility was always there.

“He’s barely conscious. We won’t be able to get his consent like this, Hongseok.”

“You heard him! The kid obviously wants to live. You gotta do it, Yuto. Please, he’s in pain.”

Maybe Yan An thought God wouldn’t punish his own angel, for that’s what Changgu is - surely. Yan An can barely talk anymore, can’t really breathe either, but he thinks of Changgu’s bright smile. He thinks about how he never got to tell him , tell him those words that pierced their way into his heart like the bullets that pierced him on his last day. I love you is such a simple phrase, just three words, but too heavy on the tongue to let slip carelessly.

“Get ready to run with him before anyone sees.”

“Thank you, Yuto.”

“I hope I don’t regret this.”

“Who’s there?” The voices circling his head not leaving him to die in peace anger him more, but he’s too weak to yell any longer.

“Do you want to live?” One of them asks. What a stupid question.

“Please. I can’t die. I don’t want to die.” Yan An cries weakly. He doesn’t. He has so much left to do. He has to take care of his mother, has to tell Changgu how he feels once this is all over and they can go home. “I want to go home.”

“What if you can’t go home? Do you still want to live?”

Yan An doesn’t hesitate.

“Anything. I just don’t want to die. Please.”

His last tears spill as he continues to beg desperately for the voice of someone he can’t see, vaguely he feels something warm - almost as if in the back of his conscious - a light, a figure of white watching over him with a smile. “I love you,” Yan An hears the figure say, the smile morphing into one of a calm sadness before the figure wanes and Yan An slips into the darkness of death.

“He’s waking up!” A soft voice sounds from Yan An’s right, he twitches - eyes hesitant to open and see the light.

“Don’t frighten him.” A deeper voice, on his left. “He’s going to be really confused.”

“C - Changgu.” Yan An groans out, the only thing he can think of yet again. Always him. He sits up slowly, not feeling any of the pain he expected and he grabs at his torso - his eyes snapping open, looking down to see nothing but scars where his rib cage was torn open with shells. He screams, falls off the slab under him onto the ground below and tears at his hair.

“Hey, it’s - it’s alright.” The soft voiced man tries to calm him. Yan An looks at him with wide eyes, terror filled. He doesn’t have his gun. He’s only got a pair of pants on, not even a shirt and why - why is he not dead? Where did the bullets go? “I know it’s not making a lot of sense.”

“ Don’t, don’t come near me ,” he screams, backing himself against the wall - keeping distance from the unfamiliar figures. They’re not wearing enemy uniforms, but if Yan An was taken to a camp they could be dressed more civilian. He starts to plan his escape, starts to think of ways he can kill them - he might be able to snap the neck of the one just looking at him. The one trying to calm him looks stronger, built like a brick wall. He has to make it out, has to find Changgu, has to get back to the camp. He won’t be their prisoner, a prisoner of war. His country expects him to die rather than tell his secrets, but Yan An - he’s so broken already. He doesn’t think he can hold it together if they start torturing him. “Please, just kill me. I don’t - I don’t know anything. I’m just a grunt.”

The deep voiced one laughs quietly, amusion in his look. Yan An shudders, so much evil inside the man.

“I’ll do anything, please.” Yan An gets on his knees, head bowed. The man stops laughing.

“Yuto, this isn’t funny.” The other hisses. Yuto . Yan An knows the name of his murderer now. “He’s obviously really confused. He thinks we’re them , the other side.”

“We’re not going to hurt you.” Yuto speaks, Yan An watches his leather boots appear in front of his bowed eyes as he reaches down and touches Yan An’s chin gingerly. The younger feels a new kind of fear run through him, thoughts of what such tender touches could mean from the enemy - he’s been briefed on the stories, men taken to be - something else . Toys. He wants to puke. He’d rather die. He scurries back again, but quickly jumps to his feet and takes the big one from behind - his arms tight around the other’s neck.

“I’ll kill him!” Yan An yells, taking the strong man hostage. “I’ll fucking do it. Let me out of here.”

“You will not kill him.” Yuto sighs, leaning his lean frame against the stone slab next to him. Yan An is suddenly aware of the stone architecture around him, archaic. Something is very out of place. In his hesitation, the hostage gets the advantage and takes his legs out from under him - Yan An falling to the floor with an ‘oof’ and then the big man is on top of him, pinning him to the ground.

“Please! Please don’t do this! I’m only nineteen!” Yan An cries again, eyes squeezed shut once more, and as fast as the heavy presence was on him - it’s gone. He opens them slowly, watching the other man’s horrified face at his calls. Did he really get through to him? Something nagging in the back of his mind, swims to the surface. “Y - you-”

“Kid, I’m not going to hurt you if you don’t hurt me. I’m not going to,” the man runs a hand through his hair, distraught, “for fuck’s sake, touch you. Calm down, would ya?”

“... n- no heartbeat.” Yan An says so quietly, it’s really nearly a whisper but the two hear him anyway. The quieter one who looks at him as though he’s studying him, the one who scares Yan An most, looks heartbroken at the accusation.

“Do all humans have that reaction?” Yuto mutters, as though he’s far in thought then sighs and straightens again. “We’re not alive.”

“W-what is this? Where am I?” Yan An can tell the situation is much stranger than any prisoner situation he originally thought, but he stays on guard.

“You’re at our humble abode.” The other laughs.

“Hongseok, we need to be more forward. He’s not getting it. You’re not alive either.” He directs the last part to Yan An himself and the young man staggers at the way that sentence resonates deep inside him - and then his mind jumpstarts to him again.

“Changgu. Where is Changgu?” He remembers the voice before he - before, Jesus did he die? Is that what that was?

“Who?” Yuto says, confused. “You were alone when we found you.”

“No, I - I heard him.”

“You were muttering that same name as we argued whether to turn you or not.” Hongseok supplies. “But it was just us and you there, and well - the other men, dead.”

“ Turn me? ” Yan An gasps, panic rising inside. “Like - what? Vampires?”

“The humans are starting to use that term, aren’t they?” Yuto muses.

“I like it, it’s cool.” Hongseok grins. Yan An is taken aback how alike it is to him and his brothers when they were younger, before he was drafted and all they worried about was falling into the creek when playing. Before Yan An had lives on his conscience, the blood on his hands - he can still see it there, will never be able to wash it off no matter how he scrubs. He learned that after his first kill. “You alright? It’s a lot to take in, I’m sure.”

“I heard about it.” Yan An says, quiet. Changgu was indulgent in the fairy tales, what Yan An had always thought was nothing more than fairy tales, talking with him often at the base about what he would do if he could live forever, and the ways he would help people. He was like that. Too innocent for his own good. Yan An doesn’t know if Changgu is still alive, he was at the medic tent - his post for this war, always healing people - his job and his purpose. Changgu didn’t cry about being drafted to war, said he wanted to help on the front line. It was always Yan An afraid, and as grateful as he is that Changgu isn’t on the fields like him - he resents it at times. They came from the same neighborhood, both of their families saw them off to enlistment with tears in their eyes but only Yan An has blood on his hands from taking  a life, not saving it. “It’s real, isn’t it? Living forever?” He meets the eyes of the darker one, Yuto. There’s a brooding to him, a heartbreak not inside Hongseok - who is much more lively and joyful, as though he’s having fun.

“As far as we can tell,” Yuto replies, honest. Yan An can see it. “You can die, if another vampire tears you to the point you can’t heal or sucks you dry but you won’t age or deteriorate.”

Yan An feels sick at the thought of drinking blood, then startles. Isn’t that what he is now? What he’ll have to do?

“Do you,” Yan An gulps, his stomach turning “drink it?”

“Yes.”

“It’s not so bad.” Hongseok adds.

“You drank mine while you were ravenous, you probably don’t even remember.” Yan An barfs, right in front of him. “Well, that’s new.”

“We have stomachs?” Yan An groans through his heaving, more bile coming up.

“Well, it seems so.”

“What if I don’t?” Yan An asks, holding the next heave down in his core. “What if I don’t drink?”

“Are you asking if you’ll starve to death?” Yuto asks, that amusion in his eyes again. Yan An nods. “You won’t. You’ll simply become nothing more than a beast and kill as many people as you need to come back to yourself. It’s better for everyone if we just drink from willing humans.”

“I can’t.” Yan An looks at his hands, stained dark deep red. Is this real? Am I seeing things again ? “I won’t.” This is his punishment after all. It must be. The irony of a man with so much blood on him, turning into a monster that feeds on it - it’s poetic justice. Changgu would never love him now.

“You’ll have to.” If it counts for anything, Yuto sounds genuinely sympathetic and sorry for that - almost too much, as if he is the one who's at fault here. “We will teach you, find you volunteers. We are not monsters.”

“Don’t speak for me.” Yan An laughs with no mirth. He was turned into a monster long before he became a vampire. “Please, did you see a boy about my age on the fields? Black hair nearly in in his eyes, tan skin, thin.”

“We didn’t see anyone but the dead,” Yuto pauses, waiting for Yan An to give his name. He does. “You are not Korean.” Yuto muses, still studying the other’s face. Yan An can’t tell why it is that Yuto acts differently from Hongseok, as though he is another being entirely - not like them, something more.

“Your name is not Korean either.” Yan An retorts, defensive, as he grew up ridiculed for being the son of a Chinese woman in refuge to a country that didn’t accept her but didn’t kill her like her own, a place her son could live. A place her son has died, for a country that was never theirs. He laments at his mother never being given a body, only a letter and the officer’s condolences.

“Is it not?” Yuto asks, brows quirked in surprise.

“Sounds Japanese to me,” Hongseok laughs. “Always wondered about that too, boss man.”

“I told you to stop calling me that.”

“Sure.” Hongseok, the livelier man, smiles fondly at what Yan An can tell is his friend. The man is much more human than either of them, retaining his joyful wonder and seemingly with nothing to lose. Maybe he had no one when he died. Yan An almost wishes he didn’t. He thinks of Changgu never knowing what happened to him, of the funeral he’ll attend not knowing if he’s even dead - if they could still save him if they could find him. Yan An has to find Changgu, praying he won’t find a body instead of a boy.

“My brother gave me my name.” Yuto admits, his voice is adoring but oh so somber. Yan An can feel heartbreaks of centuries inside that name, brother . “We named each other.” He doesn’t press, not now - more important things on his mind.

“Can I see my family?”

Yuto frowns, worry slithering its way into his expression. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Did you not say goodbye when you turned?” Hongseok shrugs, uncaring, and Yuto shifts nervously. “What?”

“I didn’t have anyone to say bye to.” Hongseok says, like it’s just another statement of fact and not the admittance that his living life wasn’t full of anything or anyone to miss.

“I was born like this.” Yuto admits, shy.

“When were you born? What year?” Hongseok looks at Yuto, curious as well.

“There were no years when I came to life. No time.” Yan An would turn pale if he could go any paler than he is, aware of how old that must be. This man has been around since the dawn of creation, he is a god. “Please, I am simply a man like any of you.” Yan An believes it. If not for the way he seems to be broken, he is harmless. On the battlefield, you learn to gauge these things when approaching an unknown personnel.

“I want to say goodbye to my mother.” Yan An has only ever had her, she raised him as best she could. “I need to find my” he pauses, “friend.”

“I am not your keeper. You are free to do what you like.” Yuto waves his hand dismissively. “I simply warn you, that humans do not accept us more often than they do - and your mother may no longer see you as her son. Your friend too.”

“Yuto’s just looking out for you, kid. He doesn’t wanna see you get hurt.” Hongseok puts a hand on Yan An’s shoulder and doesn’t miss the flinch and tensing of back muscles, the shying away of the younger man. He frowns. “You’re not fighting anyone’s war anymore. Trust me, I know what it’s like - having to adjust, no longer fearing for your life every waking moment. No longer having to worry about taking someone else’s.” Yan An’s chest shakes with that last statement. Hongseok does seem to understand, on some level.

“Were you a soldier too?” Yan An trusts Hongseok, likes his smile and his kind mannerisms - his boyish charm.

“No.” Hongseok’s smile falls. Yan An can tell he doesn’t talk of his past often, doesn’t like to think of it. He guesses he’ll be the same in time.

“I still want to see them.” Yan An says, and it’s true. He doesn’t know how his mother will react, the woman is superstitious and religious beyond all measure - he doesn’t think it will be well, but he still wants to say goodbye either way. There’s no question about Changgu. He has to find him.

“We can go with you, if you like.” Yuto offers. Yan An thinks on it, and decides that he would like that - trusting them both in little time. They decide to go the next night.

Yan An’s mother calls him the devil, says her son is dead and he possessed his body - tries to throw a cross at him. Yan An doesn’t regret coming despite it, seeing her face for the last time until he hears of her death years down the line and attends the memorial in the shadows. He doesn’t age a second as the people in his neighborhood grow and die, people like Changgu.

They find Changgu in the medic tent, not far off from where Yan An died - it’s night time and the injured are sleeping from sedatives or physical exhaustion. Changgu is up, a small kerosene lamp lighting his medical table as he checks on the men in his care, tirelessly. He looks worse, dark bags under his eyes and less life inside of him in general. Yan An hates it, wants to take him away from the war like he was able to - but knows that Changgu would never abandon his post, isn’t the type. He watches him, Yuto and Hongseok further back behind him watching over in case the situation goes awry. He hears Hongseok wolf whistle lowly, giving him a knowing grin about his ‘friend’. Yan An isn’t like Yuto and Hongseok who’ve had decades or more to perfect their - vampiric abilities, so when he moves a branch snaps under him and he sees Changgu tense - watches him reach for a rifle beside him.

“Who’s there?” Changgu’s voice is small, scared. He’s not a fighter. He’d never last a day doing what Yan An did in this endless war. “Please, just turn around. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Don’t think you could if you tried.” Yan An makes himself known, stepping into the dim light. His stomach seems to lurch as he gets closer, a sweet scent invading his nostrils that he can’t escape. No , he begs himself. Don’t be like this. Changgu isn’t food . He’s everything, Yan An’s everything. Changgu steps forward, Yan An forces himself to take a step back - afraid of what he might do.

“Yan An? Is that you?” Changgu’s voice is shaking. “We were told - I thought you were -”
“I’m sorry.” Yan An chokes out, the smell getting unbearable to resist and Yan An goes further back. The two behind him watching with worry, ready to act if need be. He asked for them to be here for that reason.

“Where are you going?” Yan An can hear Changgu call even when he’s far behind him, Yan An’s new feet carrying him as far from the sweet boy as he can. Just seeing his face , hearing his voice, would have to be enough. He can’t hurt him, never . Yan An falls against a tree in the forest outside their castle, letting the tears fall out as his heart hurts at the thought of never seeing Changgu again. He keeps his head in his arms, angry at his own nature. He doesn’t hear Yuto approach, just feels his hand on his shoulder - careful.

“I love him.” Yan An sobs. “I love him and yet, I wanted to drink from him.”

‘You’re hungry. It wouldn’t be like this if you drank before you visited.”

“I told you, I won’t!” Yan An shouts, standing and lashing out at Yuto. “How can you just accept this?” He accuses him.

“I have never known anything else.” Yuto says, not losing his patience with him despite Yan An acting like an infant. “There is nothing wrong with drinking from consenting persons.”

“No, it’s - it’s disgusting.”

“What happened back there to make you react like this?” Yuto is studying him again. Yan An feels like an anomaly. Is he so different from Hongseok?

“He - he smells so sweet.” Yan An thinks of the scent, driving him crazy with desire to sink his fangs into that pretty neck. “I could barely resist it.”

“Interesting.”

“What?”

“Hongseok, did he smell different to you too?” Yan An is suddenly aware of Hongseok in the tree above them, sitting like a cat who climbed to its favorite perch.

“Yeah, a bit sweeter than anyone else I’ve ever smelled, wasn’t he?”

“Very interesting,” Yuto smiles to himself. “We’ll have to see where this leads.”

“Boss man knows something, eh?” Hongseok laughs.

“What? If it’s about Changgu, I deserve to know.” Yan An steps to Yuto, indignant.

“Calm down. I don’t know much more than you do. Is he religious? I thought I saw a rosary.”

“Very.”

“It’s like the stories.” Yuto chuckles.

“You mean?” Yan An recalls one of the books Changgu tried to get him to read, about vampiric creatures and old gods. It still makes Yan An dizzy to think he’s met both now.

“A pure soul, working as a combat medic of all things.”

“What does it mean?”

“Nothing really. Just that his blood is more attractive. Stronger.” Yuto looks sad for a moment more. “It will be difficult for you to be around him without-”

“I will never hurt him. If I must stay away from him for all my years, so be it.”

“Let’s go inside.” Yuto reaches out a hand, and Yan An takes it. These two men, a carefree vampire and a grumpy god, are all Yan An has now. They spend the night answering Yan An’s questions inside their castle, which quickly becomes Yan An’s home.


Hunger is an excruciating thing, and Yan An isn’t strong enough to resist it in his fourth year - mind leaving him and reaching for anyone that can give him the plasma he needs . It’s not something Yan An really remembers, only knows that Yuto fed him from his own veins when a volunteer was too afraid to come near his gnashing fangs. They don’t talk about it. Times become harder for all three of them, the humans less willing to accept them and it’s only mere years before vampires once again become nothing more than a monster to scare children with. No volunteers. Yan An watches as some days Yuto seems to mutter to himself about whether someone neither Hongseok nor he seems to know is doing alright, if he’s drinking enough. A bit less than a decade later, Yan An discovers large hospitals - blood packs they keep inside machines and the ability to take only what they need. He teaches Yuto and Hongseok, finding that Yuto has more powers he’s never shared but promises to teach them when they whine. The ragtag trio becomes closer and closer as time passes. Yan An no longer has to sleep, no longer has to dream about the terrible things he’s done and his hands don’t look as stained after talks with Hongseok about what they’re responsible for and what they did because they were told to - about how they were only kids. Yan An is happy enough, despite the heartache over Changgu missing in his life, and it’s not too long before he finds even more reason to be happy - in the form of Yuto’s little brother.


“Yan An! We need to make a run for packs.” Kino calls through the hall, and Yan An hides his journal with shaky hands as the man peeks his head in with a smile. “Wanna come with me? What were you up to?” He raises a brow, Yan An can’t meet his eyes. In the year he’s learned about Kino, he’s found him absolutely endearing if not a tiny bit intimidating - being an old god and all.

“Nothing much. Sure, I’m free.”

“I’ll find out eventually you know.” Kino gives Yan An that mischievous smile that makes the younger vampire’s heart flutter in his chest.

“I’ll await the day.” Yan An grumbles, getting up and heading out the door to the hospital conveniently close to their home. The times have changed much, machinery the likes of which they had never seen before coming about and all four of them attempt to keep relevant - dress in the right types of clothes, use the same language. Kino likes it, buries his nose in nonfiction books from the library, and Yan An reads his own books - or tries to, but the pages just don’t seem as interesting as Kino’s face when he reads that next line.


They split up inside the hospital, finding that there’s different rooms of packs for different reasons and they don’t take the kind of blood that’s most beneficial to the humans. They only take what they need, it’s always been like that. Humans call them monsters, but they don’t look much further than their obvious differences - don’t see the likenesses of the ‘monsters’ that were once human too - that can fall in love, and hurt, and laugh. Yan An feels it often lately, the loneliness of being one of few of your kind, of being shunned. He takes solace in his friends, but his memory never forgets Changgu. No matter how his heart shares its desires with him for the young god he plays games with inside their castle, Changgu is still not someone he can give away.

Maybe it’s fate that brings them together again, maybe it’s coincidence that Changgu is working a late night shift taken from another doctor he asked to go home and rest instead, coincidence that Yan An decided to go to quell the need for more blood for their small coven, maybe it’s just that gravitational pull he feels with this boy - though no longer boy, Yan An is sad to see the other aged. It only serves a reminder that he will lose him just like his mother, to the unmerciful entropy of the human body and thus human life.

“Yan An?” Changgu’s voice holds no amount of surprise or shock at seeing his childhood friend, his comrade in arms, the same as the day he left. Yan An might have stolen all there was, when he sees the tired lines under his friend’s face, the aging of his supple skin - though he looks good for what Yan An knows his age to be. Changgu is nearly forty, his birthday in just a few months. If they were still friends, Yan An would have gotten him something just to see the smile on his face. It feels like Yan An’s birthday instead when Changgu’s bright smile that hasn’t changed no matter how old he grows is directed at him once more. “I thought I might not see you again in this lifetime.” Changgu’s tone is on the precipice of a joke, but Yan An knows how true that might have been. Changgu had only planned to visit the man’s grave, never to seek him out again, afraid despite the improvements they’ve made to their hunger that he might hurt him one day. It is this spur of thoughts that gets Yan An to take a deep breath in and realize that the sweet scent is no longer there at all. Changgu smells like most humans do, if not just a tiny bit better due to Yan An’s own feelings. “You’re not going to say anything?”

“I have no idea what to say.” Yan An speaks honestly, amazed that he can speak with him at all. “You look good.” Changgu’s laugh is not the same as his smile, the years past coloring it with a mature timber and the exhaustion of his work.

“You look better.”

“Please, you were always the pretty one.”

“You don’t know how wrong you are.” Changgu chuckles. His hands are in his doctor’s coat, standing merely three feet apart.

“You know, don’t you?” Yan An can’t fathom any reason why Changgu wouldn’t be surprised to see him as he is now other than knowing what he is or an idea of it.

“I know a lot of things, Yan An.” His name on his lips is like a grace Yan An never knew he would get to have. It opens up something inside him, the part that locked away the feelings that hurt too much when he left him in that medic tent, and Yan An knows what he means. Changgu knows, has always known that he loves him. There is no other way for it to be, but still Yan An says it - maybe because it was his dying wish, maybe because he needs to and maybe because he wants to know if he’ll hear it back.

“I always loved you. I still do.” Yan An is as nervous as the day he first realized it, that the boy he grew up with was not just a friend to him, that his feelings ran deeper and he wanted to kiss, touch, wanted all of him.

“I love you too.” Tears drip down Yan An’s face, he reaches out a hand that Changgu takes but when he tries to get closer - he is stopped with the other hand. “I hope you know that I do. I love you, but there are so many things you do not know about me, Yan An.”

“So tell me. Show me. Teach me.” Yan An takes the other hand in his, holding it to his heart before realizing there is nothing beating there and his face falls. “Is it because of me?”

“I am not rejecting you.” Changgu reaches up to tuck a hair too long behind Yan An’s ear, taking the time to caress the side of his face on the way back down - his eyes locked onto Yan An, glassy from his own tears. “I have a family.” 

The silence in the room stands like a third person. Yan An’s heart doesn’t know what to do with itself. Did he expect him to wait for him all these years?

“Yan An, we have to go!” Kino’s voice sounds in a whispered hiss when he locates the room they’re in but he pauses as he sees Yan An’s tears and the man in front of him. “Shit. I - I’ll just get back first.” He turns his back then pauses again, and looks back. “I grabbed enough, you can stay out tonight if you want.”

Yan An knows Kino is giving him an opportunity, that he must think Yan An will go back with Changgu for the night to catch up on their lives, to share warmth and a bed, but Yan An does not want to see Kino go or give him this permission, would rather go with him than stay with this man that he is right  he does not really know anymore - that has a family. Somehow, in the flow of time - Yan An has found somewhere else to put his love.

“Meet them.” Changgu says next.

“What?”

“My wife, and my children. They would be happy to -”

“Changgu, I am -”

“They know. They know what you are. It doesn’t make you different from who you were.”

“You told them about me?” Yan An is taken aback, for some reason thought that even if his mind is stuck on Changgu, he would have long forgotten him.

“How could I not?” It’s this question that makes Yan An realize Kino has not replaced Changgu, that Changgu’s wife - that he is sure is lovely and beautiful and deserving - has not replaced Yan An. They are two separate stories, living in the same book.

“If you will have me, I would love to meet them.”

“I’ll be home a bit late.” Yan An smiles at Kino, and gets one back that doesn’t fail to make him panic inside still. “Thank you.”

So Yan An goes home with Changgu, whose shift ends soon after they meet. He meets Ai, Changgu’s gorgeous wife that he is surprised to find speaks the same language. They joke Changgu has a type. It’s late but Yan An is allowed to meet the twin boys, Junhui and Minghao, playing with them when they scream about Uncle Yan An and tucking them back to bed when he’s about to leave. On the doorstep, saying goodbye to Changgu after bidding Ai a good night, he is surprised with a peck on the lips and a blushing Changgu.

“I know I must look older, but I hope you understand.”

“Older doesn't mean worse.” Yan An gives him a peck back before growing nervous. “Ai is -” 

“She knows everything about us, more than you do, and she doesn't mind. I love her, and the boys.” Yan An doesn’t know exactly what this means, if he is allowed to kiss Changgu more than a peck or bring him to bed, what the lines are but he is happy nonetheless. “I hope you will visit often.”

“I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not a threat to my family, Yan An. You are part of it. The boys love you.”

“Well when you tell them lies about how awesome I am,” he scoffs.

“I did no such thing, I only told them the truth.” They stand at the doorway, giggling to themselves like the boys they haven’t been for decades. “Thank you for coming.”

“Thank you for having me.”

When Yan An gets home, Kino greets him at the door with a grin the size of China itself and a million questions. Some of which Yan An doesn’t actually have the answer to, but is glad to spend the time with Kino and wonders when he’ll be able to tell him about those feelings.


“That Kino guy is pretty, isn’t he?” Changgu smiles into his mug of tea as they sit under the starry sky. Changgu is sixty two. Yan An looks at him with wide eyes. “I’m glad you’ve found someone to spend your life with,” Changgu sounds sad as he hasn’t been for a long time when he says that and Yan An is suddenly hit with the realization that Changgu is aware he has to die. That all humans are. It’s been so long since his own death, he had nearly forgotten that desperation to live. He guesses passing from old age does not give you that same feeling, or at least he hopes it doesn’t. He can hear Junhui and Minghao yelling at each other over a game of FIFA, Kino’s voice joining in behind them. The boys have grown, starting families of their own scattered throughout the home. The whole coven is somewhere inside as well, Yan An remembers seeing Yuto and Hongseok drinking with Minghao’s husband, Mingyu. “I never thought this is how it would go.” Changgu sounds like he’s talking to himself but Yan An is happy to listen. He hears Changgu chuckle, then cough. The frailty of humans. “You don’t have a clue what I’m on about.”

“Just listening to a crazy old man.”

“I wasn’t always human, you know.” Changgu says suddenly, blurts it out like it was a secret he’s kept all these years. Yan An looks at him, unsure if it’s a joke. Changgu’s eyes are honest as he meets his, sad too.

“What are you-”

“You almost caught me once, when we were kids. You had started a fire accidentally, and if I didn’t take care of it - you would have gotten hurt.” Yan An remembers that, playing with fireworks and the sparks igniting the dry grass of winter beneath. The fire had somehow simply gone out, though it had been big enough for Yan An to panic at his thirteen years of age. “I never thought the humans would make war.” Yan An shudders at the memory of the draft, the deep set fear as he realized he would have to fight. Yan An is starting to understand the conversation with Yuto in the forest after he smelled that scent.

“What are you saying?” Changgu laughs again, smiles, says it’s nothing. Yan An can’t bring himself to press a tired old man so they continue watching the stars.


Changgu is seventy eight, and very ill, when Yan An approaches Yuto about it.

“You can turn him.” Yan An says on a night Yuto is writing poetry again - something painful in his eyes.

“He doesn’t want it.” Yuto answers back, not looking up from the page.

“He doesn’t know what death is. He thinks he’s going to be with God.”

“That’s what he wants, Kino.”

“He doesn’t know what he wants!”

“Yes, he does!” Yuto yells, throwing the papers to the floor with one hand. He’s angry, angrier than Yan An has ever seen him - and it comes from a place of pain. “Who are you to know what death is?”

“Why didn’t you let me find out then?” Yan An is now yelling too, the room is in clamor. He’s glad Hongseok and Kino are out for the day. Maybe that’s why he did this now. “Why were you even on the battlefield that day?” Yuto calms, eyes distant as he bites his lips. “What?”

“I know, Yan An. I know it’s hard to let him go.” Yuto looks at him with such honest eyes, eyes filling with tears. Yan An is all too aware of secrets around him, big ones, he never stuck his nose into others’ business but it’s starting to get on his nerves, and there’s obviously secrets concerning him. “You have to. It’s what he wants.”

“Tell me why you were on that battlefield,” Yan An narrows his eyes in suspicion. Why did he never question how convenient it was that Hongseok and Yuto were there? Were they taking blood from people already dying? Were they just passing through?

“I had a dream.” Vampires don’t dream, they don’t even sleep. Yan An says as much. “You see why I was so moved by it then.”

“What happened in it?”

“Changgu,” Yuto collects the papers around the room, “before I ever knew who he was, he came to me in a dream and said that I need to save you, where to go. He was crying so much, I could tell he was losing someone he loved greatly.” Yuto pauses. “It was the same day I lost Wooseok.”

Yan An knows about Wooseok, Yuto had spoken of him a few times to the group before Kino woke up - always in tears. Yan An thinks he’s never known the real Yuto, the one who still had his whole heart. Even Kino can’t fill the space that leaves Yuto writing these poems that never go anywhere in his room on nights he must feel the emptiness the most.

“So why did you never tell me?”

“He asked me not to, said he always wanted to be human with you.”

“Well look where we are now.” Yan An laughs to himself. “That idiot saved me but he doesn’t want to be saved in return.”

“You’re assuming that he’s wrong.” Yuto’s tone is mysterious. “That he won’t be with God.”

“You yourself are the closest thing to a god, how can you believe-”

“I’ve never known what brought me into this existence. What gave me my brother just a few days later. We have never had any parents, only each other. There was someone else like us once, but he’s gone now.” Yuto says this last part with regret, Yan An doesn’t dwell on it. “Changgu, that day at the tent, he smelled like an offering I was given once, a long time ago. It was the chalice of a messenger of God the people told me. I didn’t think much of it but the smell around the cup was something so different from anything I’ve smelled before - I thought perhaps it was.”

“So is that what Changgu is?” Yan An says, mystified.

“I believe the people these days call them angels.” Yuto says with a smile.


Yan An doesn’t accept Yuto’s denial, even with the new knowledge that Changgu might be something else though the angel is obviously human now, of which Yuto does not know why himself. Yan An never does get to ask him about it. He passes that same month. Yan An pleads for Yuto to kill him instead, says he wants to find out for himself if Changgu’s belief in God was right - if he gets to see him again. It’s Kino who holds him through the worst of it all, and Yan An feels guilty for it, for the feelings for Kino that got pushed behind Changgu’s because he knew he was running out of time with him - when Kino had all the time in the world. They bury him in a lovely field of flowers, in the spring time when they’ve just bloomed and the breeze spreads the smell throughout the field, where they bury Ai too, then Junhui and Minghao with Mingyu. Every burial is hard. It never gets easier. Later down the years, the whole Yeo family will take this field and Yan An will mourn for every single one.


Yan An gets to meet Yuto for what feels like the first time when Wooseok comes back, and the castle feels more alive than ever. The castle has always felt like an extension of Yuto in a way, and now that Yuto’s heart isn’t dimmed, neither is their home. Yan An adores Wooseok, but everyone does. He’s like Hongseok, where he still seems much more human with his excitement and wonder at all things. He loves the way Wooseok makes Yuto feel, the older’s eyes never off him for a second. It makes Yan An gather the courage to face the feelings he’d buried for so long with Kino, that are getting harder and harder to reign in because Kino’s seemingly new favorite pastime is teasing Yan An. If he wasn’t already dead, he could probably die from the amount of times Kino has implied a sexual favor with a wink in his direction.

Yan An hates himself for the pattern he has instilled in his own life - because he doesn’t get to tell Kino. A new vampire appears, a handsome and lean man that makes Kino smile impossibly brighter than ever before and fills Kino with what feels like a purpose and new will to live. Yan An isn’t angry, can’t bring himself to be. He likes Shinwon. Kino doesn’t stop with the teasing even after he’s dating Shinwon, and Shinwon seems to find it amusing - even joining in at times, which leaves Yan An with a lot of strange feelings he can’t quite figure out by himself. It’s a good thing the other two give him a push.

After Jinho is safely home, with them, and they’ve explained a lot of the ins and outs of vampire life - everyone decides to retire to their rooms. Hongseok looks absolutely over the moon to share one with the smaller man who can’t stop smiling either. Yan An is content to see all the happy couples in the castle, despite walking in on Yuto doing things he never wanted to see with Wooseok a few times, but is starting to feel a little jaded at the fact he’s the odd one out.

He’s in his room, watching some singing competition on TV when Kino slips in through his door and settles at the foot of his bed. No one sleeps, but Yuto insists they keep some semblance of human life inside their home so it doesn’t feel as bare and otherworldly. Wooseok insists Yuto just likes buying furniture.

“So when are we going to admit we love each other?” Kino says, as steady as asking Yan An what his favorite color is.

“At the same time I remind you that you are in love and happy with Shinwon.” Yan An says in panic, turning the show off. He hadn’t expected this moment to come about like this, had expected to maybe take Kino on a nice moonlit date and sing him a song - but then Shinwon came.

“Why does that have to be mutually exclusive?”

“I keep telling you to stop using big words, I’m not that good at Korean.”

“Yan An, you’ve had at least half a century now.” Kino scolds, and while he’s right Yan An doesn’t see the point of learning when the language the humans use keeps changing anyhow so he’ll always sound strange either way. “I’m saying, what does me loving you have to do with me loving Shinwon?”

“What are you saying? ” Yan An shouts in surprise, unable to wrap his mind around it. He put off pursuing Kino because he still had feelings with Changgu. It’s not like he could just have them both .

“ I’m telling you what I’m saying, ” Kino shouts back in frustration. Yan An is sitting still in shock as the door opens once again, and Shinwon steps in instead. “Babe, Yan An is stupid. I can’t talk to him.”

“Hey!”

“He wants to have a threesome.” Shinwon says, and Yan An chokes even though he hasn’t breathed since he died.

“That is not what we planned to say.” Kino glares at Shinwon.

“You were taking too long.” Shinwon grins back, tugging a smile out of Kino as well. Yan An loves this, loves watching their little moments and wants to be part of them too and suddenly it clicks - that he can.

“Is - is this just a sex thing?” Yan An worries, picking at his fingers. His feelings are far beyond sexual attraction for them both, and while he might not be in love with Shinwon like he is Kino - it’s not too far a stretch to say he could be.

“Do you want it to be just that?” Kino puts a hand on his thigh and Yan An shakes it off, pouting.

“I liked you first.”

“Don’t be a baby.”

“No, no. He has a point.” Shinwon adds.

“Oh my god, both of you are - “ Kino runs his hand through his hair tirelessly. “I just - I love you. I’ve been waiting until you’re ready because we all miss Changgu and I know how much he means to you but I was - I thought maybe you needed a push.”

“What about Shinwon?” Shinwon looks at him with a strange smile, his eyes as fond as he’s seen Jinho’s on Hongseok.

“It doesn’t have to be a package deal. I’m not really the jealous type, and I know you’ll take care of him.” He gives him a suggestive smile, that Yan An laughs at. “But if you want, it can be a package deal.”

“I - I’d like that.” There’s a moment of silence, all of them just looking at each other with a smile. “So, what now?”

“I call dibs on the first kiss.” Shinwon yells, jumping on top of Yan An.

“Hey, it was my idea to talk to him first!” Kino yells back, trying to pry Shinwon off Yan An as he makes  kissie faces closer and closer to the other’s face.

“If you don’t get off me, we’re all going to be celibate.”

Yan An never imagined having two boyfriends, after spending such a long time on his own, but he imagined even less having three.


It’s the day of Changgu’s death anniversary, Yan An is at the gravesite with a book , sitting under a tree, when he hears the footsteps and sees a pair of bare feet appear before him. He looks up from his book, about to scold Shinwon for going outside with no shoes again when he’s met with a sight he never thought he would be able to see again. He drops the book, hands shaking as he reaches out to touch the wrist in front of him and is met with cold flesh, much like his own. Even more so, the scent wafting off the man is nothing like when they first met and nothing like when he died. He smells more like Kino or Yuto do, like a god. The tears fall before he even registers them in his eyes, standing shakily.

“Is it really,” Yan An sobs before he can even finish, can’t believe Changgu is standing in front of him again, and pulls the other into the tightest hug he can muster. “I thought I would never see you again.”

“I’m sorry it took so long to get back. God and I had to discuss a few things.” Changgu laughs through his own tears. “You’ve been doing well.” Yan An pulls back, wary of what that means and how to explain his new relationship - scared he’d have to let it go to be with him again. He doesn’t know if he could do it. “Shinwon and Kino, they’re good men.”

“They are.” Yan An is scared to say more. You are too. You could be mine. We could be together, all of us. “How did you-”

“I was turned into a human for breaking God’s rules when I asked Yuto to save you. God doesn’t like us playing favorites, and I had unknowingly already fallen in love.”

“You - because of me?” Yan An can’t understand why Changgu, an angel, would save Yan An and give up everything but then he’s reminded of where they are. Changgu didn’t give up anything. He loves humans. He remembers what Yuto told him, he always wanted to be human with you . He didn’t lose more than he gained. A family, all lovingly buried here to visit whenever they wanted, that all lived good human lives, and enough time to spend with Yan An too.

“I was never supposed to come back.” Changgu smiles as he says that, as if it isn’t one of the most heartbreaking things Yan An has had to experience - living without him, knowing he won’t ever get to be with him again. He’s so glad he was wrong . “But turns out God is a little bit of a hypocrite, because he has a favorite too.” Yan An isn’t surprised at all, of course if there is a favorite angel in heaven - it is Changgu. Yan An can’t fathom anyone being more suited for such a title. He laughs, spins the man around in his arms and then kisses him with fervor. It feels like coming home, feels like getting rest after a long period of exhaustion, feels like heaven calling. He reminds himself to pray, or thank Him, he doesn’t know how it works. He’ll ask later.

“You look nineteen again.”

“Is this better than the thirty nine year old you met in the hospital?”

“It’s all you. I don’t care if you look like dust. It’s you. I love you .”

“I love you too. I missed you so much.”

“What about Ai and-?”

“She’s doing good, up there with the boys. They don’t want for anything.”

“And they’re okay that you -”

“They just want to see us happy, Yan An. They love you as much as they love me. Life doesn’t have to have so many limits. I thought you’d learned that with, you know.” Changgu looks down, nervous.

“There doesn’t. Does that apply to this?” Yan An takes the first step, because so many others have done it for him all his life. It’s his turn. “Do you want to be together like that? With everyone?”

“I might have a favorite, but I don’t think Kino and Shinwon will mind.”


Kino and Shinwon don’t mind at all, everyone welcomes Changgu with open arms and teary eyes - though Shinwon just keeps asking why everyone is crying. Yuto gives Yan An a hug privately later, meaning it to be an apology - but Yan An doesn’t allow it.

“I just realized why you’re so familiar,” Wooseok says that night.

“What?” Yuto says, curious. Wooseok came a bit after Changgu had already passed.

“You came to me in that dream! You told me to forget about old wounds.” Wooseok says excitedly. Changgu looks bashful, and avoids eye contact with Yuto who looks at him in disbelief.

“You gotta stop doing that.”