Chapter Text
His hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
It was just nerves, of course, he told himself that it was just nerves. Everyone gets anxious before these sorts of things. It would be significantly more alarming if he was perfectly calm, wouldn’t it? Yes, obviously.
So, why can’t I say it? Why can’t I say the words?
I… am going to get married. I am going to ask her to marry me, and she’s going to say yes, and—
He had to sit to steady himself. The mattress dipped under his weight, creaking just a little as nausea settled. He stared at the deep red blankets, cataloging the color of them because that was easier than acknowledging the things happening in his head. Terrible things. Things that would absolutely obliterate his life, and all he’d wanted it to be.
This is what I wanted, wasn’t it?
Honor regained, a position of importance, a life worthy of a legacy. He’s home, finally, he’s home, after all these years. The ground under him was steady and it didn’t sway over the push and pull of the sea. He no longer had to stay up until sunrise, poring over maps, trying to chart an accurate route so he could catch the Avatar.
“The Avatar is dead.” His father had repeated the lie back to him. “You killed him.”
He didn’t need to prove himself anymore. He was here, with only words of the Avatar’s death, and his father didn’t burn him on the spot. He’d been welcomed home, he’d sat in the war room as his father’s right hand just days ago, and that should have been enough to satisfy Zuko for a thousand lifetimes. It was, quite literally, all he’d ever wanted.
So why do I feel like my life is ending?
It felt like doors slamming shut, like a dim light at the end of a tunnel getting snuffed out. It felt like his life was over at the ripe age of seventeen.
Always so dramatic, Azula would have said, if she could hear him thinking from the other side of the palace. I’m starting to think that it’s a personal choice that you make, for you to never be happy.
He must have summoned her because when he looked up she was leaning against his doorframe, arms crossed. He was struck by how much she’d changed. The image of her he’d kept in his head all those years away was far too young in the face to resemble the girl in front of him now. It was startling to look at her, to be reminded that he’d missed three years of growing up with her. In these giant, echoing hallways, she’d been all alone.
“You look like shit, Zuzu,” she said in her melodic voice. She pushed herself off of the doorframe and sauntered a few steps closer. “I hope you’re not getting cold feet.”
“Course I’m not,” he said, maybe a bit too quickly. “I just couldn’t sleep last night.”
“Hmm,” she sang. He didn’t like the sound of it. She looked at his leg, which he hadn’t even noticed he’d been bouncing. He forced it to still, pretended not to see her left eyebrow raise.
“Do you need something?” He didn’t mean for it to sound so sharp. “I’ve got… I’m busy, today.”
“Well. I just came to say good luck, and make sure you’re still going through with this.”
He ignored the pang of panic in his chest and demanded, “Why do you think I wouldn’t?”
She looked at him in that way that made him feel like the younger sibling. Like she’d figured out everything, and he was just a stupid kid that couldn’t see what was right in front of him.
“You look like you’re about to run for the hills. So I’m going to remind you of something, Zuko,” she said, talking slowly like he couldn’t keep up. “You’re home. You’ve found your honor—Father sees you as the hero that killed the Avatar. You’re about to ask your childhood sweetheart to marry you.”
When she paused he couldn’t stand the silence, so he broke it. “Yes, thank you for listing very obvious things.”
“You looked like you needed a reminder.” She cocked her head to the side. “I just got my brother back. Don’t be stupid.”
“I won't.”
She lightly kicked his now-still leg. “So stop moping. Things are good for once in our lives.”
He watched her leave the door open behind her and turn left at the end of the corridor. His shoulders only fell once she was out of sight.
Her words hollowed him out, and the empty space inside ached. He knew that Azula only ever said nice things when it suited her agenda, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that that time it was genuine. That she was glad he was home.
She missed me.
The thought was a noose tightening around his neck. She'd missed him, she was glad he came home, and he knew that that wasn’t going to be enough to make him stay.
It was late afternoon. He was supposed to meet Mai in the courtyard in just a few hours, but instead, he was sitting at his desk and staring at a blank scroll of parchment. He’d been staring for so long that it looked like the yellow and white fibers swirled slowly. He scraped his eyes to the inkwell.
It’s not going to write itself.
He grabbed the quill and held his breath as if that would keep it from hurting.
Mai,
I’m sorry you have to find out this way, but I’m leaving. I have to start with that: that I’m sorry. I care about you, so much, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I went through with—this. I have to leave. Being away for so long, I think I’d forgotten how miserable I was when I was here. Now I’m back with fresh eyes. I’ve seen how the Fire Nation has torn through the world, burning it, destroying lives. I need to change it and I don’t want to bring you down with me.
I wish this didn’t have to happen. I wish I could stay, be the boyfriend or fiancé that you deserve, be the good brother, the honorable son. But I’m not that. I’m none of it, and I was fooling myself to think that I ever could be.
I hope this isn’t our last interaction. I hope I see you again someday. And I hope by that time, you don't hate me as much as I know you do now.
Take care of yourself.
Zuko.
He placed it on Mai’s bed, knowing just how hollow of a gesture this was. He wanted to have the courage to say this to her face, but a scroll would have to do instead.