Work Text:
Poetry, lyrics...words; they're difficult. Finding the right word to string together a cohesive sentence that not only makes sense but speaks to people, holds a message and makes people feel something, well it's a never ending problem for Namjoon. Because between each verse is his story. As he writes down poetry for the members to sing or for him to rap, he's embedding his thoughts, worries...and insecurities. He's constantly confronted with his inner turmoil as he twists the negativity with clever word play into music loved by millions, and it was foolish of him to not think this would take a toll on him.
Maybe the change in scenery from his miserable studio, where the trophies on display laugh at his writer's block from their glass casings, to the cosy living room with the soft white blanket and the warm fireplace will help him let go off the thoughts plaguing his mind. Namjoon's not sure how happy everyone will be when every song he presents for their upcoming project is rooted in his overwhelming thoughts of not being good enough.
It's the evening now and the fire's warm glow illuminating the notebook in front of Namjoon is the only light in the living room.
"Not working on your laptop?" Hoseok asks, plopping down on the couch behind Namjoon's scattered paper and worn notebook that has made a home with Namjoon on the floor.
"Hurts my eyes to stare at it too long," Namjoon mumbles, barely looking up to register the crease in Hoseok's brow or the concern in his eyes, "I just left most of my stuff in the studio, wanted to feel at home instead of at work."
Hoseok hums as he brings a mug of tea to his lips before thinking differently and handing the mug to Namjoon, "Any particular reason?"
Namjoon watches as Hoseok slowly walks to the kitchen to brew himself another mug of tea, thankful their open plan dorm allows him to still answer without following him, so he's able to keep his head down in his notebook. "Wanted to get out of my head, I guess."
Hoseok doesn't reply, but Namjoon's not sure he'd even hear him anyway. The lyrics look back at him on the page, and the song is good. It's poetic and he's proud of his wordplay...but between the lines is the same thing you'd find weaved throughout every verse he's written in the past few weeks. Every syllable, every rhyme and every intake of breath in that notebook is Namjoon's deepest thoughts, and it's ingrained on every single page. Over and over again, and he's tired of it. He's exhausted himself with constantly thinking that he doesn't deserve to be with-
Namjoon's taken out of his thoughts by the repetitive beeping of Hoseok's phone, on speaker, connecting to a call. When Jungkook's far away voice answers, telling Namjoon that he's using the speaker function on his car, Namjoon abandons his initial reaction to tell Hoseok to turn off his phone and focuses on Jungkook. He imagines Jungkook, one hand on the steering wheel with his sleeve rolled up and tattoos peeking out as he uses the other hand to change gears. Maybe he's checking his mirrors before turning a corner, or he's at a red light which he always uses as an opportunity to run his hands through his hair to keep it away from his eyes. Like the earth revolves around the sun, Namjoon's thoughts suddenly revolve around Jungkook driving with his tattoos out.
"Yeah, just left the studio. Should be back in about 45 minutes." Jungkook responds to a question Namjoon did not hear Hoseok ask. "Why'd you call?"
"Well…" Hoseok takes a sip of his tea before taking his free hand and miming the motion for Namjoon to keep his mouth zipped, "Namjoon-ah's in his head again and I'm fresh out of reassurances for him, thought you could help?"
Namjoon immediately feels warmth on his cheeks and it's so sudden and intense it rivals the heat from the fireplace behind him. Shaking his head, Namjoon goes to interject and tell Jungkook that Hoseok's just being fucking ridiculous and embarassing and that he's absolutely fine, but then Jungkook starts talking, and Namjoon's thoughts are consumed again.
"Mmhm, he let me read a couple of songs yesterday and they were…"
"Bad?" Hoseok asks, a confused scowl pointed towards Namjoon.
"Sad." Jungkook replies, "It's like he thinks he's not good enough at things, maybe for someone."
Namjoon, who's eyes had found his notebook to pointedly ignore Hoseok's questioning gaze, lets a breath of air leave him, almost like a laugh. Of course Jungkook would read far more into his lyrics than Namjoon had intended him to. Jungkook was supposed to be impressed by his rhyme scheme and metaphors like he usually is, because when Namjoon feels inadequate he can always count on Jungkook to compliment something he's worked on...and maybe compliments mean a little more coming from Jungkook. Because he's so good at everything; he has a good eye for lyrics and a good ear for melodies...that's exactly why.
"Do you know how long I spent lying awake thinking of that, hyung?" Jungkook's incredulous tone brings Namjoon back in the room.
"What do you mean, Jungkookie?" Hoseok asks in the sweet voice all the hyungs have reserved for Jungkook.
"Namjoon hyung...thinking he's not good enough...I just can't imagine where he'd ever think he was lacking. I tried. I literally tried," Jungkook lets out a deep breath, like he does when he's about to record some vocals he's been worrying about. It's to steady himself and release any tension form his body, and Namjoon tries not to think about what it means when he can identify exactly how Jungkook is feeling by the sound of a sigh.
"I tried," Jungkook continues, "to think of something he might think he needs to improve on. I thought of writing and producing first and literally laughed out loud. He's so comforting through his music. He gives advice without being pretentious, you know? It always comes from a place of experience, where he writes down his thoughts throughout said experience and what he'd do differently or why the pain doesn't last. He gives advice but doesn't tell us we have to take it. It's a little nugget of wisdom on a table and he walks away. It's always our choice to listen to him or not, and yet somehow we always listen. It's not that he comes across all-knowing and judgemental if we don't take his advice, it's that he's saying "I understand you," and it's comforting and healing and... I'm rambling." Jungkook pauses, "The bottom line is that Namjoon hyung's work speaks to me on such a deep and meaningful level that I cannot fathom him ever thinking it's not good enough. At least for it to be the cause of those songs. It's fucking insane."
Namjoon's heart clenches. It squeezes so tight and so suddenly that he takes in a harsh breath with a hand clutched to his t-shirt. Jungkook will never understand how much those words mean to him. Namjoon’s ready to put away the notebooks for the night, fall into bed and mull over those words until the sun comes up...but Jungkook continues. He rambles and doesn’t seem to take a breath the entire time.
“Namjoon hyung is special but I don’t think he has any idea about it.” Jungkook says, voice soft and even more far away than his built in speakerphone usually makes him. “Me joining the company was entirely down to teenager Namjoon hyung in knock off designer clothes and a fake eyebrow piercing. I had so much faith that being with him meant I’d make it. Not that we’d be successful but that we’d be doing the right thing at all times. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s what I felt when I chose Big Hit. Just right. I sometimes feel a bit guilty for it. I’ve not been shy about saying he’s the reason I chose this tiny company and with being the leader...maybe that put too much pressure on him. He could be insecure about his ability to lead and live up to expectations but holy shit Hobi hyung. He’s the fucking leader of my entire life.
“How is he going to lead us in english speaking interviews and make it look easy despite it being a huge challenge…how is he going to be the voice of the group to the company and constantly have our backs, have our best interests at heart and never once fuck it up; how is he going to make sure we all have our shit together when things get crazy around us and how is he going to help us tap into our deepest emotions and feelings in order to encourage the best music from us, and then also always be the one with advice to get us through each fucking day and not think he’s a good enough leader? He’s led us further than we had ever imagined and he’s done it through nurturing our own love and talent for music, and encouraging us whenever it’s become a challenge. He’s just, fuck he’s perfect. He’s fucking perfect.”
“Jungkookie…” Hoseok replies softly, perhaps a little sad. Namjoon doesn't have time to process Hoseok's reply, let alone Jungkook's long speech.
“Hyung I know. I know what you’re going to say but fucking hell, how is Namjoon hyung gonna think he’s not good enough? For who? Who could possibly deserve more than being with him? He’s the one I want to show everything I’ve done well with because I know he’ll cheer me on every single time. The second I produce a tiny part of a song that I like I’m running through the corridor in my socks and knocking on the door with a “Hyung look what I did!” like I’m the teenager I was all those years ago because there’s something about the praise Namjoon gives me that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. He’s never once brushed me off, Hobi hyung. Never once. Everyone else has if they’re tired or busy, and I get it and I’ve done it to people you know? It’s normal but Namjoon hyung always has time for me. I never feel like I’m intruding or unwanted. He makes me feel like he never wants me to leave and I don’t think he understands how much I never wanna leave his company. His words, his advice, his lyrics, his smile, his laugh, his dimples; him. He’s like a warm blanket on a winter’s day. He’s like the love song playing during the credits of a romantic film. He’s comfort and light and love.”
Namjoon doesn’t even realise there are tears in his eyes before they’re cascading down his face and dripping from his chin. He can’t look at Hoseok, cannot let Hoseok understand how affected he is by Jungkook talking about him like, like he's in-
“Do you think Namjoon hyung doesn’t think he’s good enough for one of us? Or all of us? Because I couldn’t, I wouldn’t… where would you begin to even dissipate those thoughts? I think, you know if I think about it too hard I think I’d honestly start crying, hyung.”
Jungkook laughs then and it does so much to elevate the drop of Namjoon’s heart. Namjoon decides he needs to focus on this. These words aren’t so much just hearing Jungkook talk about him, it’s hearing Jungkook talk about exactly what’s been plaguing his mind for weeks, maybe months.
“Crying?” Hoseok laughs along but there’s a glint in his eye that tells Namjoon he knows...something. That there’s something else going on right now and it might have something to do with why Namjoon’s not allowed to tell Jungkook he’s actually listening.
“Like, not as RM from BTS, but as Kim Namjoon, he’s the best human being I’ve ever met.”
There’s silence and maybe Namjoon’s heart is in his ears and he genuinely forgets to breathe. He imagines Jungkook holding the steering wheel tightly as his grip matches the eagerness in his voice. It’s as if Jungkook is insistent on Hoseok understanding every single sentence he’s saying and Namjoon can’t help but feel like it’s out of place, because those sentences are about him.
“No offence.” Jungkook says in a rushed voice but Hoseok only rolls his eyes.
“None taken.”
“He’s just amazing,” Jungkook continues, following another big breath in,” Namjoon hyung will turn to you and ask you to keep going when he notices that no one else is still listening.”
Namjoon remembers it well. Shy and quiet Jungkook trying to tell a story was the cutest sight but his voice barely carries with how soft it is and sometimes the others just don’t catch it. Namjoon’s trained himself to keep an ear out for Jungkook's quiet musings, and when he heard him trail off in the middle of a story, Namjoon gave Jungkook a smile as soft as a cloud and a whisper of “Keep going, what happened next?” that he seriously thought he had ascended at the wide smile and enthusiastic storytelling it got from Jungkook.
“Namjoon hyung will point out the hard work that goes into being good at something instead of just mentioning natural talent.” Jungkook whispers. Hoseok furrows his brows but Namjoon understands.
Jungkook’s got many talents but that’s because he works so hard at them. Sometimes the others will brush it off with a comment about how talented Jungkook is. Jungkook’s never seemed annoyed by it, he’ll always accept it with a bashful smile and a small “Thank you.”
However, sometimes seeing Jungkook’s eyes closing with exhaustion before he winces with the slightest of head movements, and then to hear one of the others say, “Wow, Jungkookie’s so talented at editing,” like Jungkook wasn’t foregoing sleep for days to learn new techniques and edit to the very best of his abilities just makes Namjoon a little sad. Maybe a little mad but he would channel that into making sure Jungkook knew he recognised the amount of work he put into his new video. “You worked so hard Jungkook-ah. You’re talented because you’ve worked so hard to achieve something really wonderful.” And maybe Jungkook’s doe eyed, wide smile stayed rooted in Namjoon’s mind for weeks.
“If you fall asleep before taking off your makeup, Namjoon hyung will take a makeup wipe to your sleeping face. He’ll be so soft and gentle he won’t even disturb your sleep.”
That one has Namjoon shifting on the floor. He brings his legs to his chest and lets the fireplace warm up his back as he rests his chin against his knees. Namjoon remembers Jungkook’s sleeping face. It was after a company party and they had all drank a fair few beers, but Namjoon stayed sober. He preferred to look out for everyone and make sure they didn’t embarrass the band quite so much, but somehow his attention for the entire night had shifted to Jungkook. His excuse was that Jungkook was the youngest and the least experienced with parties and alcohol but that was the thinnest excuse in the world. Jungkook could handle himself better than anyone and he wasn’t exactly in need of protecting any point throughout the night. But Namjoon didn’t care about his thin reasoning when it came to the end of the night. He helped Jungkook settle into his hotel room for the night, but he had fallen asleep on top of the covers before managing to do anything. Namjoon was a sucker for his pink cheeks and soft snores, so without a second thought he took makeup wipes and cleared his face before pulling his jeans and shirt off and eventually working an oversized t-shirt over him. It’s a boundary they’re all comfortable with but Namjoon feels butterflies everytime he gets to look after Jungkook like this. Once Jungkook was safely tucked under the covers, Namjoon had left the room with the image of a sleeping Jungkook ingrained into his mind and feelings flowing out of him so fast he stayed up all night writing lyrics and poetry.
“Namjoon hyung will literally stay up with you for hours working on the lyrics to one verse because he believes in encouraging everyone’s talent.”
Which is true. Namjoon laughs and nods, and hopes he’s far enough away that Jungkook doesn’t hear through Hoseok’s phone. Jungkook really remembers all the little moments like Namjoon. It was last winter and Jungkook refused to work in the cold studio and instead made a nest of blankets on his bed and cocooned himself there with his laptop. He had worked from morning until night without so much as a peep to anyone, which Namjoon had to investigate, mainly to quelch his own concern for him because Jungkook only draws into himself when he’s not feeling well either emotionally or physically.
It was a devastatingly cute sight to see Jungkook surrounded by four blankets with a small pout on his face, bottom lip jutted out ever so slightly that Namjoon had to cough to distract himself from staring.
“What’s wrong?” Namjoon had asked and Jungkook’s pretty deer eyes seemed to have gained more stars because they shone so bright at the sight of Namjoon.
“Hyung will you help me with this song, please?” Jungkook asked, and who was Namjoon to say no to his polite, soft request? They worked until the verse was perfect and it might have coincided with Yoongi making breakfast the next morning.
“Hyung?” Jungkook’s voice snapped Namjoon out of his reverie because it sounded pained, maybe a plea. “Is that enough for you to help him? Why wouldn’t he ever think he’s not good enough?”
Hoseok doesn’t answer. He just looks at Namjoon with a soft expression that Namjoon can’t quite read. Namjoon knows what he looks like to Hoseok. He’s cried so his eyes are red and his arms are wrapped tightly around his shines whilst his chin seems glued to his knees. He looks like he’s holding himself together and that’s exactly how he feels. The one person he wants to be good enough for, but doesn't feel good enough for, is saying the nicest things in the world and he feels his heart snapping off and flying to Jungkook with every word. He’s holding himself so tight to protect his heart but he fails to process that Jungkook already has it.
“I’m so in love with him.” Jungkook whispers.
Hoseok’s eyes never leave Namjoon.
Namjoon’s arms fall from his legs, his knees relax and he sits with his legs stretched in front of him. He won’t hold himself together anymore when Jungkook’s just stolen every last piece of his heart he was trying to protect.
“God I gotta go, I’m pulling up now.” Jungkook says and the pained plea is back in his voice. Jungkook’s hurting after saying all of that and it clicks for Namjoon in one big impact that has him gasping suddenly. In the back of his mind he registers Hoseok asking if he’s okay, but he can only concentrate on Jungkook. Jungkook likes him back. Jungkook loves him back. Jungkook thinks he’s good enough.
Jungkook’s about to walk through the door.
As if on cue the handle turns and the front door swings open. Jungkook isn’t paying attention as he toes his shoes off by the front door but Namjoon waits with bated breath. He lets his emotions bubble up and wrap around his throat like a coil and it suddenly pulls...tight. What Namjoon thinks is another intake of breath turns into a sudden sob and he’s never seen Jungkook’s head turn around so fast before. Jungkook’s eyes go wide at the sight of Namjoon on the floor, now on his knees, opposite Hoseok’s who sits quietly on the couch with his phone in his lap.
“Uh, how much, um, d-did you hear?” Jungkook asks, his small stutter that makes an occasional appearance has Namjoon wanting to bundle Jungkook up in cuddles forever.
“Everything.” Namjoon whispers, like he’s too afraid of this conversation taking place. The possibility had felt so far away, like a dream, that he’s scared any loud noise might wake him up. Jungkook’s eyes follow Hoseok who wordlessly leaves the living room and they then look at everything that isn’t Namjoon.
“Jungkookie, will you look at me?” Namjoon asks, but Jungkook’s eyes well up with tears so suddenly that Namjoon falters for a second.
“I’m sorry you weren’t meant, weren’t meant to know.”
Namjoon’s heart drops because Jungkook doesn’t know. He doesn’t know Namjoon feels the same way and if Namjoon knows Jungkook, (and he does), he knows he’s probably freaking out and spiralling right now.
In a different world Namjoon would have run up and kissed Jungkook on the lips as a way of squashing any fears currently roaming around his head.
But this is Jungkook and Namjoon knows him like the back of his hand. So instead of overwhelming him and potentially sending him into an unexpected panic, Namjoon walks slowly up to Jungkook’s silently crying form. He cups his cheeks and whispers “I love you too,” before pulling him into the tightest hug he’s ever had. It takes Jungkook a few seconds to process it. But when Namjoon feels Jungkook’s face in the crook of his neck and his fists in the back of his t-shirt he knows that Jungkook realises it. They love each other.